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by TRACEY COX
Do you ever feel self-conscious in bed? Mamamia sexpert Tracey Cox may have some advice that you could help you…
Today’s Question: I’m seeing someone that I’m really attracted to, the sex is really great (best I have had) but there’s something holding me back. I’m not a very sexually confident person. I’m good at the ‘old fashioned’ things like hand jobs and I’m good at going down on him – great, actually! But when I get on top, I get all self-conscious. I worry I look weird from that angle and while I’m having sex. Also, I don’t think I’m very good at being in top generally. How can I become better at all this and really make him think that this is the best sex he’s ever had?
Tracey’s answer: Breathe. Honey, if you’re even half of what you say here – delivering hell head-jobs and heavenly hand-jobs and rating the sex you’re having as the best you’ve had – he’s already on cloud nine! Why aren’t you sexually confident? You say you’re good at the basics like hand-jobs and great at oral sex (not sure why you think they’re ‘old-fashioned’ – somehow I think they’ll always be in fashion!). The only thing I’m getting from your email is some trepidation during one particular sex position – you on top – which, I have to say is something a lot of females wrestle with.
Some women worry about how their breasts look, others worry about ‘fat’ tummies or how their face looks ‘hanging down’. The reality is that the guy lying beneath you is usually so grateful that he’s not having to do all the work, he’s hardly going to be critical at all. He is indeed looking at your wobbly bits – your breasts – and transfixed by them. You on top is one of few positions that gives him a bird’s eye view of your body and he appreciates every moment. So please stop worrying.
As for ‘not being very good’ at being on top, I think you’re talking about problems with the actual thrusting. There are two ways to position yourself, so experiment to find out which one suits you. First try squatting over him so your feet are flat – if there’s a bedhead, you could lean forward and grab this for balance – and use your calf and upper thigh muscles to lift you up and down. Or straddle him so you’re resting on your knees and use your upper thigh and buttock muscles to thrust. If you really can’t get the hang of it, the cheat’s way is to get him to hold you around the waist and lift you up and down or you stay completely still as he thrusts underneath you.
Tracey Cox is an internationally recognised sex, body language and relationships expert as well as a TV presenter. She’s appeared on Oprah, CNN and The Today Show in the US, as well as numerous prime-time chat shows in the UK and world-wide. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, was an instant worldwide success and is now available in 140 countries. Her other book titles include Hot Sex, supersex, superflirt, Hot Relationships andsuperhotsex. She also has her own range of Tracey Cox Supersex Toys and Lubricants.
Follow Tracey on Twitter @TraceyCox or on Facebook here. Her website is at www.traceycox.com and you can buy her books here. Tracey also blogs weekly here.
Ever found yourself feeling self-conscious in bed? Any advice? What are you too shy to try?
Comments
83 Comments so far
Perhaps some folk here can help me out!
I’m normally very good at head, a bit awkward with handjobs, and good at sex BUT…
I’ve just started with this new guy and last night he didn’t want to have sex (because I’m on my period) so I tried going down on him and… he went soft. This is so rare for me when giving head I can’t explain it. He and I would make out and he’d get hard again, and he said it’s because his cock wanted my pussy (but he really doesn’t want period sex so it’s a no go).
When I was going down on him I asked him if he wanted it faster/softer/harder etc. but nothing seemed to work and he would go soft again. I know this sounds so stupid but it really has me questioning my prowess!
Also, he does have a tendency to like to be the one in control during sex (absolutely fine by me!) so perhaps it could have to do with him not being active in this scenario? As in, he just lies there and it’s too passive for him?
Open to any ideas/suggestions!
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It’s not you – it is defintely him. Once I was with this guy for our first time together, and he freaked at the idea of a woman on top. He HAD to be in control or else. Well, I knew that it was all over red rover – on top is my fave position. Do not take what happened personally. It’s not you.
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That’s a new definition of “birds eye view”…
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This is so inspiring! I’m not going to waste time being self conscious when I could be enjoying the best years of my life (sexually)!!
My body issues are probably nothing unique:
- post baby tummy flopping around everywhere, ugh. I haaaate my tummy. I hate getting in the zone when on top, then looking down and seeing this flesh coloured, crinkly plastic bag looking thing and it completely kills my mood. Bah!
- boobs not perky like when I was 18 (go figure, right?)
- partner has been with some real lookers and I feel like I can’t compare
I just wish I had the confidence to do the things I want rather than the things that won’t ‘expose’ my flaws. Does anyone else feel like this?? My partner is lovely, reassuring and attentive and very generous in bed, but I feel like we could do more and are holding back because of my shyness.
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The view of a women on top, enjoying the occasion is sensational – and yes, she has had four kids and things sway nowadays that didn’t in the past. From where I sit, or lie in this discussion, I am in the box seat.
That is until she starts to climax. When she is on top they last for ages – lucky her. Seeing her face, boobs and whole body response is incredible.
I hope that any woman who is self conscious of her looks gets over it. Tracey is right. Us guys are there because we want to be with you, not some image from a magazine.
It the problem is how you percieve your appearance, turn off the lights until you are comfortable.
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Learning sooo much
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Good lord
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I don’t know how to tell new partners I like to give oral but not receive it (my partners are female). Can I get a consensus on how weird this is? Honest opinions, please.
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you’re one of a kind, my friend. I only give head to get head
Seriously though, just be honest, I wouldnt think it was a big deal if my partner liked giving but not receiving, thats the thing about sex – everyone is different
might be a different story if you only liked to receive and not give though. . .
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If I was your partner, I would be totally fine with that.
Grateful, even.
Less work for me!
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Hehe, thanks, guys. Good to know.
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I think oral sex is the most disgusting and degrading form of sex! I won’t suck noones cock!
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Degrading? Lady, clearly you’ve never had a man made into gooey moaning helpless putty in your hands just by the feel of your mouth and tongue?
If it’s done because YOU enjoy it, it’s not degrading. Think about the fact it’s their family jewels between your teeth. That’s a lot of power
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It’s only degrading if your partner is the kind of sleazy a**hole who makes you feel this way….and that’s pretty rare to be honest , most really enjoy it for the way it feels :p
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Oral sex is one of the most precious things a woman can do for a man, and men appreciate it big time. There’s also the trust thing. For a man to trust a woman and put himself in a most vulnerable position is something most women don’t understand.
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IMO, I find enjoying sex on top depends on the man and how he looks at you and how he makes you feel. I’ve only liked being on top with some of my partners. So being on top with everyone is not the same. Just because you felt uncomfortable with one guy, doesn’t mean you’ll feel uncomfortable with all in that position.
One ex, whilst I was on top, would look at me with the look ‘I have the biggest cock ever, I am awesome, i’m the best fuck you’ve ever had’…….this was soooo off putting. The good guys, when I’m on top – are the ones that tell me I’m beautiful, they look at me as if they are in awe that they’re with me or they’re really enjoying the moment and it’s not all about their ego.
Same with visa versa. when the guy is on top, you don’t think they feel self concious? I try and do the same in return, whispering in their ear all the things (and noises) they want to hear!
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I’ve got a question…. When on top, is it better for him if you bounce up and down, or rock(?) froward and back?? I find it easier going back and forward, and both ways feel great for me, but does anyone knw which way feels better for the man? Stupid question I know
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I like it when my girlfriend bounces up and down but forward and back is good too coz I last longer haha
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He likes either. Note that rocking back and forth with knees/legs stretched back alongside his and “lady-thrusting” (;)) has the benefit of additional clitoral stimulation for me. It’s the one way I can achieve orgasm through no-hands penetration. I recommend it!
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I have felt really self-conscious since having my 6 month old that I almost dread my partner wanting sex now. Apart from feeling constantly tired, I’m so worried about my floppy tummy, scar and big leaky boobs, I just can’t get into it! Any tips on hot sex post-baby, as we used to enjoy it everyday pre-baby!!
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Oh i know the feeling of leaking boobs! I always kept my bra on to avoid this. Maybe a breastfeeding singlet will make you feel more comfortable during sex – will help contain boobs and belly!
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Give it time, don’t be too ard on yourself. make ‘sexy’ dates, try just cuddling again, a massage to just let you relax. Less pressure the better. I have a one year old and I am trying to get back to into it. Breast feeding still, so wear a bra, shirt and it’s still kinda sexy lol!!
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I’d bet london to a brick that your partner finds you more attractive post baby than he ever did before.
It’s a funny thing and women don’t seem to understand that us guys adore the post baby body.
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Don’t stress about being on top, if he did’nt think you were super sexy he would’nt be there, The sex is probably good because you both see each other as super sexy. Go easy on yourself.
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I need to be on top to come. Not that it happens very regularly (in fact, the last time was when I conceived my now 2.5-year-old!).
Anyway, when on top you can give your man cuddles, lean over and let him feel your breasts, nibble his earlobes, kiss him etc. you don’t need to sit upright the whole time. If you want some privacy you can also turn around and lean back slightly, that way he can’t even see your bum. Or if comfortable you can lean forward, grab him and get a good look. My husband goes wild for that one as he gets the visual of what’s happening.
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Glad I saved this post (and comments) for reading while feeding junior a d putting him to bed!!!
Shame husband’s away though….
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Can’t be on top. It feels really useless . Like jumping on the bed on my knees. It doesn’t even feel like there’s anything going on, makes me feel like doing something else at the same time like eat a snack or something . (no I don’t do it lol)
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Jumping on the bed with your knees? Honey, you’re doing it wrong. When on top, you’re whole body shouldn’t be bouncing. All the action should be coming from your hips. So sitting upright, the motion of your hips should go back and fourth (sort of like a body roll but movemebt starting only from your mid -section all the way down to your pubic bone). This motion can make you orgasm two ways – g spot and clitoris. If you’re close to laying flat on him, (but not actually laying on him) with hands rested in either side if his head, and your head very close to his, you should be doing hip thrusts on him. This motion makes your butt go up and down, but your whole upper body stays still. There is a lot of core strength involved I this movement as well so don’t try it unless you’re confident to go the distance. This makes my husband orgasm really quickly!
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All the things you’re describing are things I do, actually (and probably some more, I used to be a professional pagode dancer, that’s brasilian
)
They still feel like “silly jumping on the bed” (to me, not to him obviously , just like your husband he loves it, but men cum , whatever you do and that wasn’t really my point ) I’m 35, I think I would know by now if I was able to orgasm on top (I’m not).
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I’m the same. Just dont feel it when I’m on top. There have been times where I’ve gotten distracted and just stopped. Im horrible. Lol.
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I’ve done that too lol, I’ve also stopped and asked him “well this isn’t working …shall we watch TV or something ?” and was surprised by his “What …? why???” reaction
I think the main problem might be that he’s not vocal enough , I don’t see any reaction from him, it’s like riding a sleeping guy rofl… so I just lose interest as, well , I wasn’t doing it for myself to begin with! Basically I blame him, I like doing that .
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I think I need to show my girl how much I find her attractive if that will help her be less self-conscious.
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aw i find that so sweet!
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that is gorgeous….
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I’m so glad I dropped in, on THIS conversation…….. I don’t come here often. No pun intended……
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My boyfriend always wants to do it from behind (so doggy style, not anal), but I hate it – something about feeling like I’m sticking my big fat butt in his face and not being able to see him, and I really don’t want to be watching us in a mirror either! And it hurts my arms after a while. Have no issues with doing it on top but he does like variety. Any tips from anyone who loves it?
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While not solving the issue of not being able to see him directly, try:
Hope this helps!
you lying flat on your stomach (so not on hands/arms and knees) & he lies on top of you. So he gets the doggy he wants and you don’t have your “big fat butt” in his face, or the sore arms. You can turn your face around to see/kiss him. I also find this is more pleasurable for him (tighter fit) while for me it’s better as he can’t go crazy and it feels more intimate
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Completely agree with this suggestion- my favorite position!
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I agree! I like to see his face during because it makes it feel more intimate. We tend to do doggy either as B has suggested above or side by side. He still gets the sensation but can also stimulate & caress you with his hands AND you can still see each other
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“sticking my big butt in his face” is one of the MANY reasons why he loves doggy style, great view and all, embrace it and give that (probably not as big as you think) arse of yours a wiggle while you’re at it
)
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Clover. Having your big fat butt in the air is the IDEA of doggy style. What you call a big fat butt is a orgasmic heaven to a male. If you arms get tired, try leaning face down and arching your back. Feels amazing!
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Also – when you’re in that position your bum actually looks quite good (check it out in a mirror sometime).. the more you arch your back (so your bum’s in the air) and the further forward your knees are the better it looks ‘coz all the fat and lumps and bumps are ‘stretched’ out if that makes sense?
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Oh – and I sometimes drop down to my elbows and knees if my arms are getting tired.
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Yep! On the elbows is the way to go. I think guys like that angle better too
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My man loves that position too, and the other day I mentioned what an unflattering angle it is and he said ” not at all, turns me on big time”. So, It’s all good
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Second what everyone else said! While the position is often painful to me because he he can go too deep and hard, he enjoys it when I rest on my chest and face and reach underneath to touch him. I’m convinced his eyes are closed by this stage enjoying the moment
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I watched ‘what’s your number?’ the ore week and there was a conversation about dogg style ‘nobody likes it, even the dogs are waiting for it to be over’… I know some won’t agree, but it really made me laugh.
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Agree, leaning on elbows is more comfortable. I also put a couple of pillows under me (sounds a bit geriatric, I know) which helps with endurance. It would also help contain any wobbly bits if that is a concern for anyone. Let go of any bum in the air phobias, guys love an ample backside more than you think – and I’m sure would be the first to tell you if they didn’t.
Very sad to read about women being self conscious of their body while sharing intimacy with someone they love – you’re sharing love not shooting a movie, please focus on the one you’re with and the sensations involved and you’ll be too distracted to think about what you look like .
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i think most men like that position for the ‘butt in face” reason. they like the visual part of not only your back side (no matter how big) but being able to see whats going on. My husband loves this position, and i, like you, cant say im too keen on it as i cant see him, but to keep him happy we do a variety of positions, and when he wants doggy it helps to lean forward with my face and chest flat on the bed and butt slightly in the air, or leaning over the edge of a bed or sofa. takes the weight off your arms.
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try to put yr bum high and put one or two pillows under yr breast and rest on it ,so yr hands won’t get sore.I love it bcz I think my G spot gets really banged in this position
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I’ve just recently started having sex with a guy that I click with sexually. He is the best sex I’ve ever had. We are both wanting and willing to push the boundaries. We get on so well and are comfortable with each other, despite only know each other for a short period of time, we are not afraid to suggest things to experiment doing, if one of us isn’t up for it, we don’t do it, if we are then we do it.
I cannot describe how comfortable I am in his company. I’m not a small girl and yet he is slim and very fit and yet I feel totally at ease with him when I’m naked, happy to strip off, happy to stay naked. Why? I’m not a hundred percent sure but knowing he finds me attractive, he wants me and he can’t keep his hands off me certainly does help.
My advice to you is just let go. You’re you, your man is with you because he wants you, that’s all you need to know. He wants to get naked with you and he’s obviously pushing all your buttons the right way, so throw your head back and enjoy the act and YES climb on top!!
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Hey Anonymous, the reason you are going great guns with this chap is that you are both ‘intimate’ on an emotional level. Neither of you are judging each other and are taking each other as you find yourselves, with complete acceptance. Hang on to this chap, chances are you probably get along great in other ways too. Lucky you.
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You read my mind! this is EXACTLY what has just happened to me! I have always been so self conscious, and i am not small, i am overweight. My new boyfriend is slim, he works out, all that. Yet he LOVES me, and the sex is honestly the best i’ve ever had! I’m so happy and SO LUCKY to have met him!
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I am so shy in the bedroom it is ridiculous really. I have been with my man for 8 years, have 2 kids but I still reach for my clothes the second sex is over :S
I dont come unless I am on top, & I’ve found the only way I am comfortable on top & grinding away is after a few drinks.
Yep, I have issues…
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Why do you think you’re so shy? What is it about being naked after sex that makes you feel uncomfortable?
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Yep, don’t we all Sweets
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I used to be cripplingly shy – till Mr Min came along and spent a lot of time telling me everything he loves about my body and actually showed me as well, with his hands and expression what it was he loved
Took a while, but eventually I let him keep the light on the way he likes it!
Obviously I could be way off target here – but how much does your partner encourage you and show you he likes what he sees? Because having a partner that often reinforced how much he liked seeing me made a world of difference to me! I’m still shy, but not desperately diving for cover!
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Read 50 shades of Grey! Worked for me
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I’ve never asked this before but now seems a good time- anyone with any advice- how do you perform oral sex on a man? I’ve never done it and I’m so terrified of doing it wrong! Help? (At the risk of sounding like a 13 year old, I’m actually 23…)
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The best advice I would have for a first timer is to cheat and use your hand. Keep your mouth on the head of the penis & alternate teasing licks with gentle sucking while slowly rubbing a gently gripped hand up and down the shaft of his penis. Gradually increase the pace. Don’t be afraid to let him masturbate himself while you gently suck the head too, my ex used to love that. My other trick is to place your other hand on his thigh or stomach and as you feel or hear something from him that indicates he’s enjoying it, gently dig your nails in. Always helps move the guy towards coming from my experience. And don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself.
Oh! And if you’re letting him come in your mouth, make sure you block the back of your throat with your tongue or else you could gag with the sudden sensation on your tonsils!
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Boom! Something in our name perhaps? haha
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*high five*
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I start with teasing, slowly kissing and licking my way down his chest, then tops of legs, balls, then penis. Slowly run tongue over his balls then up penis. Lick it like a lollipop almost. Then lower my mouth over the penis, with your lips around your teeth so that you don’t bite him. Usually hold the base of the penis to keep it in place, and sometimes use hand to simultaneously pull while I’m sucking. Basically just mirror handjobs or sex, but with your mouth, so use the same intensity and speed, moving your mouth up and down. Some guys like you to play with their balls at the same time. Take your cues from him…
I personally get so aroused giving head jobs that I generally don’t even need them to touch me for me to be ‘ready’ for sex…although touch is good too
Good luck!
P.s. Be prepared or aware if he is going to come in your mouth…
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I would say close your eyes and pretend it’s a really yummy chocolate or ice-cream……. works a treat! Biggest tip though it to make sure that your partner has had a shower before hand.! Just have fun
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I definitely agree about using your hand! I have a sensitive gag reflex so I find this really helps that I don’t go too deep. It was a tip I got from Tracey’s book “Hot Sex” (awesome book by the way).
I try to make sure I’ve got my hair tied back so that it doesn’t get in the way and also like to kind of look up at the guy while I’m doing it because they find that really hot.
But pretty much whatever you do is going to be popular!
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lots of tongue action around, over and under the head while using your hand at the same time is the key! And lots of saliva. Just go nuts and you can’t go wrong
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When you get comfortable with the basics, have a mint and a cup of something warm on hand and alternate the two. Apparently it enhances the sensation. When using the mint blow gently on his penis.
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LOVE being on top! Is the best position ever.. Orgasm every time
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Hi Kez, do you mind if I ask how you get to orgasm when on top? Are they clitoral (is that the word) or vaginal? Sorry, I can never seem to make it all the way when I’m on top.
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I can’t speak for Kez but for me its a combination of both but definitely needs clitoral stim. to start off with.
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Use a vibrator or your fingers when youre on top- much easier and more enjoyable than nearly any other position.
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Hi anon for this .. On top mine are always vaginal .. As b says below its when you rock/grind that you will get there… Hope this helps
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same, its both butprob my clitoral, rubbing against him as you’re moving. Guaranteed orgasm every time for me too
and usually 2 or 3.
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Anon, grind hunny, grind. Against his pubic bone (but not too hard!). Guaranteed success
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Agree b it’s def the grind that does it
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Grinding! That makes so much sense!
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is this lying down on top or sitting up? i think my guy is too big for me… thats why i cant on top!
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I do both – Lying and sitting .. I mix it up
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Hehe, this conversation is funny! Good advice
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On top for both – every time.
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Yep, me to. Best position for me.
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Wish I could say the same, but I’ve never mastered being on top. I prefer being on the bottom. When I’m ready to go off, I prop him up a little so I have access to my clitoris.
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Everytime! And really quickly too!
It’s pretty much the only position I do…but its great for him too! Bonus!
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