The Mamamia sealed section is going off like schoolies on Viagra. This isn’t surprising – women have always wanted to talk about sex in a frank, non-judgemental way. Did you see what a reader was troubled by last week? And what another found in her partner’s bedside drawer the week before? Today we’re talking period sex. Some people aren’t bothered by it, others are freaked out. In fact, Jezebel reported that a columnist at The Thresher (Houston’s Rice University paper) replied to a student’s question about her boyfriend wanting to have sex at that time of the month like this:
It is my prediction that 90 percent of men’s stomachs will react to the idea of period sex like they were going through horrible turbulence after eating airplane food. My recommendation is to ask your boyfriend what he feels. If he is up for the idea, tell that pervert to go jump in a lake, preferably one filled with blood.
Right then. Predictably, Tracey gives a more considered response.
Today’s question:
“I’ve been married for 29 years and am 49 with three children all grown up. During my periods my husband still demands sex. They only last two to three days but are extremely heavy due to me being pre-menopausal. This causes friction between us as he has a high sex drive. I don’t feel great during this time and just want to rest my body. He tells me I am selfish. He thinks that other sexual duties should happen which I agree with however I feel drained by my situation. We have an excellent sex life other wise.”
Tracey Cox says:
“Emails like yours astonish and worry me. They astonish me because I find it hard to accept there are still marriages functioning under archaic rules like this, even though I know there are plenty. I worry because I wonder what else you have been putting up with. Do you feel you have any rights at all in this relationship or is he the boss in everything, including sex?
You’re daring to ask to be excluded from any sort of sexual activity for a mere two or three days a month? Dear God, men everywhere are throwing their hands up in exasperation, wishing their wives would even do the opposite: grant them sex more than two or three times a month! It is totally normal and acceptable for you to want to abstain from sex for those few days, especially if your periods are heavy and you don’t feel great.
Quite frankly, it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to also say you’re not interested in sex for other reasons too. You’re not a prostitute or a sex machine, you are his wife! A human being with needs and feelings of her own. So what if he has a high sex drive! Has he ever heard of masturbation and satisfying himself during these times? Or actually just channeling the need for sex into something else, like going for a run or perhaps reading a nice book about feminism? I’m sorry to be sarcastic but you’re not the one being selfish, he is. His demands smack of chauvinistic sexism and him treating you as his possession.
Again, I’m sorry if I am not being more sympathetic to his cause, but I am 100% on your side here and furious at him for making you doubt what is a reasonable request. I realise that after being married for 29 years he’s going to get a bit of a shock for you standing up for yourself but I’d strongly suggest you do. If you’ve stayed married to him out of love – which I’m guessing you have, if you say your sex life is ‘excellent’ otherwise – it’s time for a little chat. One that brings him into the 21st century and not stuck in the dark ages.”
Tracey Cox is an internationally recognised sex, body language and relationships expert as well as a TV presenter. She’s appeared on Oprah, CNN and The Today Show in the US, as well as numerous prime-time chat shows in the UK and world-wide. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, was an instant worldwide success and is now available in 140 countries. Her other book titles include Hot Sex, supersex, superflirt, Hot Relationships andsuperhotsex. She also has her own range of Tracey Cox Supersex Toys and Lubricants.
Follow Tracey on Twitter @TraceyCox or on Facebook here. Her website is at www.traceycox.com and you can buy her books here. Tracey also blogs weekly here
Comments
153 Comments so far
Buy him a flesh light – seriously… google it.
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We’ll save you the Google. Tracey wrote about the ‘flesh light’ here http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/sealed-section-i-found-something-in-his-drawer/
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I’m actually having a similar problem in that my husband (not demanding AT ALL, but not so subtly hinting ALL the time) is keen for us to get back in the swing of things and my baby is 5 weeks old. I have a toddler too, and I am bloody tired, I had a fair few stitches and frankly I am just not ready. I have told him this, and he says he is cool with it…but keeps making comments. And I am feeling guilty that he isn’t getting much of me at all (except the cranky bits)…part of me wonders whether just to get it out of the way and done to shut him up, but I SOOOO don’t want it yet. It’s hard when you love ‘em.
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It sounds like you are both communicating fairly well on the fact that you’re not ready, but have you talked to him about how his comments make you feel and/or how often you’re hearing them? Sometimes people (male and female) really aren’t aware of the impact of what they say nor how often they say it.
Sometimes, too, what is heard as a hint (perfectly valid – if that’s what you’re hearing, that’s what it is for you) may have been intended simply as a compliment – hard to know from over here, of course.
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Don’t do it till you’re ready! If he loves you he will understand and be supportive.
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My husband is a hinter too, and I occasionally have to pull him into line by pointing out that by nagging me all day for sex makes it a chore. Ask for it at an opportune moment, not when I’m cooking risotto or the kids have a friend over.
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You shouldn’t really do anything til you 6 week check anyway given that you have had stitches. He would have died of frustration if he’d been married to me, we didn’t have sex for 6 months after our first was born, thankfully there was never a negative comment or any pressure at all.
On the subject of period sex – not into it and would definitely not being pressured into it. I also feel so revolting around then don’t even mention all sex.
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As katmag said the reccomendations is 6 weeks because the placenta leaves an “open wound” in your uterus and it’s a slight infection risk too. If you’ve had stitches too……I feel your pain. You may need to gently tell him to pull his head in.
I’ve heard all sorts of things re postnatal sex from people doing in the hospital bed, to men actually forcing their partners to have sex when they’ve gotten home and the women have had to come back in for a repair. The funniest was when a woman asked me to tell her partner she couldn’t have sex for 6 months before she left hospital. I declined that one.
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It’s funny, every one of my child having friends had sex with their partners 5 weeks after birth and every one of them said they weren’t ready but they felt like they had to. Why 5 weeks? Is it because it’s officially been over a month and that’s a figure men feel weird about? I’m so interested.
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I agree that this just smacks of chauvenistic a-hole…
Personally I’m OK with sex during my period… but only if /i/ want it… if i don’t, he has no say, especially notif it was phrased in this kind of manner…
My hubby and i enjoy enough sex to satisfy us both 2-3 times a week, and usually during that time of the month i’d do it just before and just to the end when things are a bit less messy… it’s moreso about the cleanup than feeling dirty with myself.
But i understand totally how ‘blah’ you can feel, and the OP should certainly have a CHOICE, especially if it’s ONLY 2-3 days!!! sheesh/
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Agreed. It’s not so much the messiness, I just don’t want to clean up afterwards. And my guy waits anyway, and sees to his own needs in the mean time.
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Just say, “NO”.
It would certainly stop me in my tracks !
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Yes, but not everyone is as cool as you Bradley.
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No matter how up for it I was if I felt my husband was demanding sex he’d be going without until he learnt his manners. Im not a blow up doll buddy.
I am a bit icky about sex during my period but it is also when I am at my most horniest so sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do
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Wow. Good on you for dishing out the tough love Tracey! Having a man ‘demand’ sex when you don’t feel like it makes sex even more of a turn off! In the early stages of our relationship my period would go for a week and my boyfriend and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other that long so period sex was a regular thing. Now I’m on a different contraception so my periods are shorter and we’ve been together 3.5 years we tend to skip period sex just to avoid the mess factor. I would be interested to know how many guys refuse to have period sex – surely not 90% though!
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Speaking as somebody who has had quite a large ‘sample size’ I can say that it’s pretty much 50/50. Weirdly it’s also pretty cut and dry. Either a shrug and “doesn’t bother me at all” or “Omg that’s disgusting, I can’t imagine it”. Very little middle ground in my experience.
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I see nothing wrong at all with sex during one’s period. Not at all, if it’s what both people are happy to do.
But I don’t think I could be with someone who demands sex and sees it as a woman’s ‘duty’. Sex is not a chore, so no one should ever turn it into one. I would also not be able to be with someone, who if I were suffering, could only think about what they are missing. Selfish
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“my husband still demands sex.”
THIS is the key to this entire comment. Who the hell “demands” sex in a fair, loving, equal relationship? I can’t comprehend my husband ever demanding sex. If he hints at it and I’m not interested, he will back off in a heartbeat. He was incredibly supportive and understanding when I went through a period of (undiagnosed) PND and was incredibly uninterested in sex for about 3 years.
Now that we’re past that, our sex life is back to it’s awesome pre-baby days (almost
) but I would still NEVER feel obliged to have sex if I felt achey and miserable (or even if I had just had a bad day and wasn’t in the mood)
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Awesome reply by Tracey! Exactly my thoughts.
I don’t blame men for not understanding the frustration of periods, there’s nothing like it in the “male world”. However often I use this analogy to help guys to understand. Imagine getting kicked in the balls, repeatedly, for three days once a month. Then imagine not being able to sleep, getting headaches and feel lethargic for three or more days. And on top of that, you know this is going to happen every month for at least 30 years. Would of want to have sex then? I always get the same response and it’s a no of course.
It’s hard not to get annoyed but often males just don’t understand the pain females go through. I’m not trying to say “oh men are idiots, they just don’t understand”. Really, it’s up to the female in this situation to really explain how they’re feeling in a way a male can relate to.
However, the guy in this story sounds like an idiot. And I hope this woman puts her foot down. It’s only 3 fucking days. Jeeeeez, if they already have a great sex life then three days won’t kill him!
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I have endometriosis. Sometimes it hurts just to go to the toilet, I can’t imagine sex!!
It’s not the sex during the period I’d be concerned about but the sex the rest of the time in the guise it’s in, but I guess if that’s what she has known for 29 years, how would you realise there was any other way?
‘Demand’ sex? The phrase makes me shudder a little…
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Me too! I have the best hubby in the world and it would make him uncomfortable knowing I wasnt in to it and that it hurts.
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I am less worried about the sex during period and more that your husband ‘demands sex’. What year is it?
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Yes this is exactly what I think too.
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Is it wrong to want to strangle that husband? What right does he have saying his wife is selfish??
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This doesn’t really seem to be about the issue of ‘he wants sex when I’ve got my period’, but more about a controlling husband who thinks he can demand sex whenever he wants.
For what it’s worth, I enjoy sex when I’ve got my period, and my partner, who was previously married to another person for 18 years that refused to have sex when she had her period, also enjoys sex with me during that time. I think he likes that I’m in touch enough with my own body to not feel ‘dirty’ etc during that time.
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I agree with you sister about the topic not being addressed properly
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I am the same – doesn’t worry me to have sex when I have my period and doesn’t worry my partner but would hate to be forced at this time or any time to feel like I “had” to.
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