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by TRACEY COX
Sex Question: “My boyfriend wants me to masturbate in front of him. I’m quite a shy person really and I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m not even keen on having sex in anything more than dim light!
He wants me to touch myself while he watches because he says it ‘turns him on’ but I don’t know how to do it without feeling embarrassed. Sure, I masturbate now and then. I’m not ashamed to admit it. But I’ve never done it before with an audience. Gah! Help me, Tracey. For the love of God.”
Tracey says: This is one of those things that you think is going to make you die with embarrassment, but if you do it in the right mood (aka two wines in and feeling horny), it can not only unleash a naughty, exhibitionist side of you (always handy in bed) but unlock the door between ‘OK but slightly awkward/tense sex’ and ‘Relaxed, fun, really good sex’. I know which door I’d rather be on the side of!
Just as you build confidence outside the bedroom if you’re shy, by pushing yourself a teeny bit out of your comfort zone each day (remember how hard it was to go to a party when you were a shy teen?), you should do the same with sex.
Here’s some tips on how to make it easier.
- Don’t make a big deal of the first time. You don’t need to announce it. The next time you’re kissing and he’s touching you, push your hand under his and start gently stroking your clitoris or pushing a finger inside yourself.
- Do it with the lights off the first time. Yes, he won’t be able to see but he’ll know what’s going on – which is still a turn on! Let him put his hand over yours to feel the action.
- Next time, have the lights on (dim) and have him facing that end (where all the action is) looking away from you so there’s no eye contact. Keep your eyes closed as you do it.
- Only do it for a minute or so each time, until you feel more comfortable. Turn up the lights when you feel more comfortable.
- When you’re ready, open your eyes and enjoy the sight of him looking incredibly turned on.
- Congratulate yourself! Now you’re ready to try other new things! Well done!
Tracey Cox is an internationally recognised sex, body language and relationships expert as well as a TV presenter. She’s appeared on Oprah, CNN and The Today Show in the US, as well as numerous prime-time chat shows in the UK and world-wide. Her first book, Hot Sex: How to Do It, was an instant worldwide success and is now available in 140 countries. Her other book titles include Hot Sex, supersex, superflirt, Hot Relationships and superhotsex. She also has her own range of Tracey Cox Supersex Toys and Lubricants.
Follow Tracey on Twitter @TraceyCox or on Facebook here. Her website is at www.traceycox.com and you can buy her books here. Tracey also blogs weekly here.
Do you feel too embarrassed to masturbate in front of your partner? Would you ever try it?
Comments
47 Comments so far
I think the most important tip you provide here is to stay plugged into what
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Dear beloved people of the skin; for puberty’s sake…what a subject is this….masturbating on command for your babyboy?-does character come into play in these ‘relationships’ of yours? – or are you just solely into soulless zombie sex…is it not important to know something about the partner, having at least developed some degree of intimacy?…;and ask your self the question why it turns you on when your being watched masturbating, where did that come from Hollywood?.
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I’m really shocked that most people don’t do this as a norm – despite many many Cleo and Cosmo sealed section over the years, I have struggled with every male in terms of my own external stimulation – weird angles, rough hands, too much work! And like most females I have a mostly clitoral orgasm so find that touching myself before and during sex is not only a visual goldmine for him, but guarantees an orgasm every single time!
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HELP PLEASE!
Ok, so I have been seeing a lovely guy for over two months, and we haven;’t done anything besides kiss. I’m actually a virgin, but want to move things along. How can I give things a bit of a shake up without being obvious? Am starting to worry that he doesn’t want me or something!
ADVICE NEEDED MMERS!
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Hey hun, your usual pic still comes up….so I still recognise you!! Thought you’d like to know xx
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It’s OK. He’s knows that females can only actually enjoy sex in a long term committed relationship with a man who has a full time job. So if one of these elements is missing he would know you wouldn’t enjoy it. If all the elements are there then he is gay so best dump him.
One question tho; Why wouldn’t you want to make it blatantly obvious that you want to have sex with him?
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The sooner you get over the embarrassment the quicker you can get down to doing all the things you want with each other!
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For me a female masturbating is showing that she enjoys sex and is comfortable sexually and that is something that I personally find VERY arousing. I have always enjoyed watching partners touch themselves as it shows they’re into it. And it’s also very interesting to see differences in self-loving techniques amongst women.
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I have a new partner who I am very comfortable with and he likes me to touch myself too. Even though I have had several partners ths was something I would never do! If you are interested in giving it a go, maybe start while you are having intercourse so he is not so focused on what you are doing, then build your confidence from there. For me it has added another dimension to sex. Have fun whatever you decide
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Forget Tracy..she is just intellectualizing feeling issues…a really bad adviser ..she must have lost female softness and a gentle eros which includes a deeper intimacy and love a long time ago…. too many women are still too submissive, for that gives them some power, or just to chase away the fear of losing the man..why are you behaving like slaves-what your doing for and with these incentive idiots-grow up and find better men.
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Is this… a… riddle…?
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…by “better men”, do you mean men who aren’t aroused by the female form? personally, i care about my guy – i like the know that i can get him off. that & he goes out on a limb to please me, & i love him – for me & a lot of women, it’s not a chore.
i think you’ve overdosed on feminist propaganda – male sexuality (& female, for that matter) isn’t something evil. men (& women) should be able to tell their partners what they find arousing in the bedroom.
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If… the man cannot accept the woman’s uneasiness with the sexual wants that he wishes than the woman should not give in (be submissive) and seek a better suitable man that suits her feelings.
If she submits against her feeling than she has accessed the field of power -keeping him on a string by submitting. Which goes against female dignity.
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Hmmm interesting. I think it depends on what the individual guy likes…most guys do like to be visually pleased though, thats a no brainer, but not all of them will like you “servicing” yourself…for the insecure ones it can send a message of “i don’t need you”!
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Just to balance your statement about the insecure male.
There’s insecure woman too. I’ve heard it said that if a male partner masturbates that’s the same as cheating. Breaking it down, that’s the woman feeling insecure, that she’s been replaced.
Just thought I’d throw that out there.
Anyway, my position on the issue is, each person knows their body best and should not be afraid to show their partner what feels best for them…I suppose you don’t technically have to masturbate, just put their hand, whatever, where you want and move them in the way you like best but tell them to try other things too and not think that’s all they’re allowed to do as it could become very predictable and boring very quickly.
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Puzzled at the choice of picture here ….is it “he wants me to touch myself ” or “he wants me to pretend I’m touching myself “? Who on earth can orgasm standing up ? Anyway : this is no biggie , if what puts you off is the fact that he isn’t involved , involve him (hand him a dildo or something ). I know my partner is self conscious about that so I get involved (I look at it veeeery closely when he masturbates , veeery closely if you see what I mean *wink wink*
)
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I can (and regularly do) orgasm standing up. Why would standing up stop you from orgasming?
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Wobbly knees. Lol
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I’m completely useless after I orgasm. I would fall off the table. And not gracefully either . . .
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What’s the wink wink for…is that because you watched too closely, he couldn’t hold on and you got something in your eye?
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I find that touching myself turns me on – and having him watch as I do it makes me even hornier.
Am i in the minority?
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If so, I’m in the minority with you
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Ditto – turns me on turning him on
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Careful how you word the tweet ‘we’d never make the same request of them’. Plenty of women like watching men masturbate
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Yes they do!
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Giddy up
:):)
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I often ask my husband to touch himself during four play. I love it, for me it’s a real turn on.
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Is that you, your husband and 2 others? Kinky.
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hehehehehe
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This is something that actually turns me on. I like to see how my partner gets off, as I may be able to learn more about how to turn them on.
But I have a feeling I’m in the minority?
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You’re not alone. I refuse to have sex with anyone that I feel even slightly uncomfortable with. As if I’m going to let someone swap bodily fluids with me if I feel awkward around them… Its hypocritical lol. “Oh I’m shy, but sure why don’t you squirt your body fluid inside my vagina” … Seriously.
In saying that, if it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. My boyfriend would never want to make me do something that I’m not comfortable with and is accommodating to me if thats the case… However, it just so happens that I love watching him touch himself just as much as he, with me… Neither of us are uncomfortable and its fun and a turn on for both of us… but as I said, the person you’re having sex w/ should be someone that you should be able to do away with insecurities with… but hey, maybe thats just me…
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And me!
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Nope, I’m with you. We like to help ourselves and each other, so we are broadening the tools at our disposal, so to speak.
To the OP, how about trying mutual masturbation? That way it’s not so much about you being watched, but you are still working your way towards the goal. Also, you could try a small vibrator instead.
Remember that a lot of guys are visual creatures. They like to see you enjoying yourself. Who knows, he may even want to watch in order to learn what makes you tick, for his own box of tricks!
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Not at all. I love masturbating in front of and with my partner. And I love to see them masturbate.
I have noticed in previous sealed sections a slightly conservative bent amongst commenters.
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Just like Pringles. Once you pop….
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No no no no no no no.
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I do it all the time! My man loves it. There is NO REASON to be shy!!!!!!!!!!!!
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why do guys always want to do this? i would NEVER want to see them do the same thing!!!
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Agreed!! So bizarre.
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I’m a girl and I like doing it… and I love watching my partner do it too!
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He wants me to touch myself….
I want him to wash up and get up to our two toddlers during the night while I’m breastfeeding our baby.
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I love that this is the first comment.
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Haha,
Bobby I could have written that comment myself! I can assure you god is not a woman, only a man would think a woman will want sex after looking after screaming babies all day.
‘yes honey I’ve been puked on, screamed at, haven’t eaten, am dehydrated and have cleaned up a couple of number 3′s but for the love of god DO ME NOW’ – is not what a mum to toddlers would say, ever.
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…really? for me, sex after a hard day is the best thing ever – it relaxes me so much, & is the best cure when i’m wound up & stressed. i’d be worried if i ever lost my sex drive…even after having kids. is this really the “norm” for mums?
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Huge lol, i have a toddler and a baby on the way
Would a barter be in order for you and your partner?? Not me – I’m still really into sex and he’s lucky to get what gets! The self-touching is a little extroverted for me, but i like do like Tracey’s ideas on easing into it slowly.
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Oh my gosh, yes, yes!!
Hahaha
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Maybe if you didn’t think of sex as a chore but he’s giving you a massage to those hard to reach places. What a better way to wind down.
How can you say, “No” to that?
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