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I went over to a friend’s place for a cup of tea the other day, only to find her standing in her room with the contents of her wardrobe uprooted all over her bed. She’d gotten most of the way through a huge spring-clean before uncovering some buried relics of her last long-term relationship and getting completely stuck.
“What am I supposed to do with it all?” she asked me as we stared at a wooden box full of love letters, all signed with her ex-boyfriend’s name, as well as several innocent-faced stuffed toys and a couple of jewellery boxes.
I was completely torn. There are no black-and-white rules about what to do with the remnants of a failed relationship. It seems too sad to throw things like old photos and letters out – it’s like discarding an entire part of your life. Besides, isn’t it nice to look back at happier times and try to remember the good memories instead of focusing on the bad?
But on the other hand, is it weird to hold onto everything? Especially when you have a new partner who might be confused or upset by the fact that you’re refusing to let go of a seemingly worthless stuffed Paddington Bear, a glass penguin and several lovey-dovey postcards (all of which are relics of past relationships that I still have stashed around my room in various places).
I can’t say I’ve ever personally gotten upset about a boyfriend holding onto items from his ex – mainly because I seem to be attracted to minimalists with very few personal belongings anyway. But this very dilemma featured in the New York Times recently, when a girl discovered a pair of fuzzy purple Eeyore slippers loitering in her boyfriend’s closet:
“Tell me why you have them,” I said.“They’re Jessica’s,” John murmured.
Jessica was his ex-girlfriend. Jessica had been his girlfriend for five years. They had lived together and had expected to marry, and still talked on the phone quite often.
Cue freak-out inside my head.
It’s not like I have never brought along baggage from previous relationships into a new one. In fact, I think it was precisely because I knew just how heavy and relentless such baggage could be that it scared me.
But it wasn’t just the here-and-now revelation of “Wow, my boyfriend isn’t over his ex” that worried me. It was the images flashing through my mind: John and I at the altar, with me wearing a white dress and the flower girl wearing the Eeyore slippers; our daughter’s birthday party, with John presenting his gift of the Eeyore slippers decorated with a big red bow; John on his deathbed, his final wish that I bring him the Eeyore slippers.
All of these questions were placeholders for the real one I wanted to ask but couldn’t because I was supposed to be mature and able to handle my boyfriend being close to his ex-girlfriend. I wasn’t supposed to be panicking and wondering if we could get a refund on our coming trip to Jamaica.
What do you do with the things you have gathered from your past relationships?
Comments
98 Comments so far
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I married my high school sweetheart. We dated through college and got married right after graduation. We worked in New York for two years and then decided to move to Thailand to teach, travel, and save money. Everything was going great…and then it wasn’t. We hired a lawyer in Bangkok and got divorced in Thailand. We didn’t have a lot of material possessions to divide or deal with. Everything left was sentimental. There were photos of our travels, airplane and train ticket stubs, peeled labels from Asian beer bottles, etc. At the end, he went back to the States, and I’ve stayed in Thailand. I kept everything except the photos of us where we are obviously in love. Even though our marriage sadly ended, those years were a significant and exciting part of my life. It’s been five years now, and I’m glad to look at our keepsakes and reminisce.
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I was talking about this issue with my fiance last night. He moved house last weekend and was sorting through his box of things from his first marriage.
After talking through various items, we decided he should keep wedding photos, wedding order of service and some photos of him and his ex so that his 2 children can see them when they’re older.
Photos of him, ex and children can go in an album/box for the children and he wanted to throw away the few cards from his ex.
While I wouldn’t want any pictures of his ex on display, I think it’s important for his children to know that their parents got married and were happy for a time.
The one item that stumped us was his daughter’s ultrasound video. At first I suggested it was hers and should be available for her – until he told me that he’d accidentally recorded it over the start of their wedding video. Oops!!
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sellmyex.com.au is an all Australian classifieds aimed at inspiring people to stop hoarding momentos and unwanted gifts from their past and move on. Cheers! Btw. great post!
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Chuck it or sell it I say. Except non romantic stuff like a food processor or whatever. The Eeyore slipper thing is just weird and she was right to be worried about it.
Easiest way is to do what I somehow did – I was the First Love for 4 different guys (including my husband). I used to joke that I was ‘relationship training wheels’.
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I have quite a few things from my eleven year relationship with my ex: Birthday cards (18th – we weren’t quite together then but we were colleagues so he signed my work card along with everyone else, 21st and 30th cards – all the others got binned along with Xmas & Valentines cards, not that he sent the latter very often, there were only about four of them); Letters from when he was away with the army and I was in the navy; A box of his stuff that he’s never got round to picking up which includes his army photos (it’s been almost eight years).
All the above are in boxes in my mum’s shed in England along with heaps of photos. They are not just memories of him, but a record of my entire adult life from 18 to 30 years old – rock concerts, weddings, Y2K, holidays, family events like my mum’s 50th – as long as I’m not rubbing my husband’s nose in it why should I erase my whole life? Admittedly every time I go back I get rid of a bit more stuff but I can’t ever see it all going.
I also have my engagement ring – I was the one who left and I offered it back twice but he said no. When I moved to Australia a friend convinced me to wear it on the other hand as a dress ring because it’s beautiful. I did that until I met my husband over four years ago – I thought it was inapropriate then. It’s now in our safe and he knows about it. Can’t sell it as it’s a 1920s ruby ring which was resized to fit me and the only market for ruby rings in Aus is older ladies with chubby fingers celebrating 40 years married – young women want giant diamonds apparently. So in the safe it stays til I figure out what to do with it.
I also have a watch (good watch, nine years old and still going strong) and a few pretty pieces of jewellery like a pearl on a chain from Broome when we backpacked ten years ago – reminds me of Broome, not him. I’ve since received pearls from my husband so they are the ones I wear.
Husband has similar stuff, cards, jewellery, photos – like mine, out of the way and not in each others’ faces.
However I didn’t like unpacking boxes when we bought our house and finding stockings from his ex with some cards (Valentine’s stuff from teenage years – stockings were from high school ball I think). He’s been back & forth to the UK so many times there were some boxes that never got unpacked for years, just moved around rellies’ houses. He threw them straight away.
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My current boyfriend refers to me as the band-aid – my opinion on the end of a relationship is to RIP IT OFF and get the pain over with fast! Get rid of everything – jewellery, clothes, nick nacks – unfriend on facebook, remove all traces. In the past this has meant that I have a complete clean out – letters, cards, clothes, photo frames – the works. For me I think it’s the best way to kick start the moving on process. If I can’t see photos, can’t read letters and can’t wear his favourite baseball cap I can’t torture myself and have no choice but to move on.
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I’m exactly the same. New life, new things, moving on.
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I am the same – I call it ‘The Master Delete’
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My Husband and I have both kept remnants of our past relationships. Those were the people who helped to make us the people we are today. We are both secure enough in our relationship not to be threatened by old love letters, or stuffed lions. In fact, he still wears an engraved watch given to him by his ex for his uni graduation. It’s a gorgeous watch, why wouldn’t he wear it?
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I think it is stranger for a guy to keep things from past relationships than a girl, because I would argue that in general guys are just less sentimental than we are! I love this about them, and think that (just sometimes!) we could stand to incorporate a bit of this into our lives – my cupboards would thank me for it anyway!
If my husband still had something that he was hanging on to I would find it very odd, because this is the same guy that wonders what to do with the many very sweet little cards etc that our kids give him. For him to be holding on to something for a long time it must have a very strong meaning to him, that would be of concern!
For ladies though? I have to say I still have some teenage poems tucked away in one diary or another! If my hubby asked about it though I would just say I would be more than happy to discard them if he would just provide me with something (anything!) written down on paper that I could replace them with. He is not a words person, so it is kind of nice to have a written letter that tells you how much someone feels about you, even though I have no feelings at all for any of the guys anymore, and they are just nice memories from long ago, rather than anything more!
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I think the answer is partly determined by the kind of gift it is.
If it’s functional, such as he bought you a laptop, or a kitchen gadget, then I personally think it’s fine to keep it. And to be honest, no one has to know where it’s from.
If it is an item of a personal nature, such as lingerie, stuffed toys, jewellery, etc, I think it’s a little weird to keep them. I consider those to be somewhat comfort items, and often come with a little more emotion attached.
I don’t know if it’s weird to anyone else to make that distinction. The only thing I have of my ex’s is some jewellery, which I have been planning to sell because he had the worst taste anyway (which I think may actually have been his mother’s taste).
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i am a hopelessly sentimental sap, i keep everything.. old notes to friends during class in highschool written on torn out notepad paper… every diary entry i wrote, every love letter….i cant bring myself to throw them away. everything is a part of my journey, of who i am and how i came to get to this point. some is hard to read so i almost never do, lots makes me cringe, but its all there.
i do still have jewellery given to me by exes but i dont and will never wear it now- 1 ex got everything engraved so it would be ridiculous to be walking around wearing a necklace that said ‘me and you – forever” !!!!! when im married with a child to someone else!!!
and as for photos, its a tricky one and i have got rid of some but i couldnt rip up every photo of me with exes because they were there beside me in pictures for so many big events in my life – in my school formal photos my high school boyfriend is with me in 90% of the pics! my 18th and 21st birthdays..my families birthdays…family weddings.. i keep them stored in a box and not on display….but it just feels like erasing them would be like erasing huge chunks of my life!
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I have one thing – a designer dress, worth around $600 (but no resale value due to, ahem, fake tan issues inside it) retail, that is somewhat well known for appearing in music videos and on football player’s girlfriends. It’s amazing and I love it.
I will never wear it again and sometimes want to chuck it because I loathe the guy who bought it for me. Then I want to keep it because I feel in 20 years time it will be a serious collector piece, fake tan or not. But I will always hate it? But be sad to lose such a good piece? Confused!
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BURN IT. BURN IT ALLLLLL!
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An interesting post. I’ve recently begun seeing someone who just got out of a long relationship.. I’ve been wondering where the line is on presents they have together. Hrmm! I suppose I might bring it up sometime.
Myself? I still have everything, although all stored in some bag somewhere, that I haven’t looked at in forever! I suppose I might laugh at it sometime in the future, when I’m old and grey and its a whole life ago
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I stumbled across a bracelet my ex gave me about 12 months after we broke up. I’ve started wearing it again because it reminds me of him. Not to pine for him but as a reminder I was once loved and will be again. Sometimes a single girl needs all the positive affirmation she can get!
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I became single 3 months ago and I’ll be keeping all the presents he bought me – because I LIKE them, and some are items I use everyday.
I think the more sentimental items like cards, photos/albus and cards from flowers are the harder items to decide upon, however I do want to keep the albums in particular because they remind me of some really amazing times and experiences.
I usually stay friends with my ex’s and when I meet a new partner they need to understand that they are a part of my life and quite possibly will be forever. It’s part of the deal and just comes down to trust.
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I have a few things of my ex’s, some of his shirts, his childhood teddy and jewellery he gave me over the years. We’re still very close, so I don’t see any problem with it, but I’d respect a new boyfriend’s feelings if he felt uncomfortable by it.
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I still have a bracelet from ‘the one that got away’.
for our anniversary one year I got a really beautiful naked glamour photo done for him and framed (it was exceptionally tasteful-really) and got chatting to his sister on Facebook over Xmas ‘ oh, he’s got this framed naked photo of you under his bed.’ Considering we broke up in 2009 and he has moved 3 times since then, I think I should be flattered. Lol.
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I’ve kept gifts – shoes, a She-Ra figurine lol… I don’t see anything wrong with that, I love them and they don’t dredge up any negative/painfully feelings so why not? It wouldn’t be obvious to any future partner where they came from and I don’t see why I would need to tell him… I still have photos on my hard drive and in the negatives pocket at the back of my photo album. I don’t want to look at them, but I won’t get rid of them – as the author said it would be like discarding a part of my life. It happened, he’s part of my story, and while the break-up was painful I don’t want to forget it.
As for Facebook I think photos of exes just come with the territory. I haven’t deleted/untagged photos and I won’t when I meet someone else. I’m not aware of any of friends doing so when they’ve gotten a new partner. My ex had lots of photos (he was in a five year relationship before me) and while I didn’t relish looking at them and avoided doing so, again they’re a part of his story; he was with someone before me – so what? I don’t think it should be a problem unless there’s other things going on to worry you, and I think it’s unfair to expect someone to erase a period of their life which no doubt contains amazing experiences – trips, special occasions etc – just because those experiences weren’t with you.
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Oh god! All these people throwing out photos and love letters and teenage diaries!! STOP!!!! I am SUCH a hoarder of these kinds of things – my mum kept a lot of her own things from her teenage years and early relationships, and I LOVE reading through them with her and understanding her history. I find it fascinating to really get to know her from youth through to being my mum! (Thankfully none of the love letters have been steamy; that might be awkward!).
I will keep all of my journals and letters (even from the odd ex) and especially photos as I think they are a wonderful story of me, and I hope my children will have as much joy as I did when they read through my history.
(For the record, I am the family historian, and the number of times a relative has said “oh I used to have a photo of long lost great grandfather/grandma’s first boyfriend/cousin’s ex husband but I threw it out” has just about broken my heart!)
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I haven’t held on to anything from my previous relationships, although none of them lasted over 6 months! When I first moved in with my now boyfriend, i was helping him unpack boxes and saw a photo album with photos of his ex(they were together 6 years). Thank goodness he was out at the time because I burst into tears and was so cranky. I calmed down but the more we settled into the flat I would think, “these towels he packed for the flat are gorgeous” and I would innocently ask where they were from an he would reply “I got them as an engagement present… They’ve never been used” he was quick to reply. This was after me asking where the plates and good knife set was from, and so the towels shocked me again- why did he hang on to all this stuff! We then had a heated discussion which ended with him saying “they are just towels, and we didn’t have any so we’re using them”. And then I calmed down. Some of the photos are gone from the cupboard now, I suppose we all just need time.
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I think it all depends on how it ends….you do what you need to do to move forward and feel human again.its much easier to hold on to ‘things’ when they are attached to happy memories.anything that takes you back to a place of anger,pain or sadness should be removed or destroyed…regardless of how much it’s ‘worth’.you can’t put a dollar sign on healing your emotions after a break up.
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I have 2 children and an engagement ring from my ex, which I will be passing on to my daughter on her birthday this year. Also some photos. I think that’s enough…..
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Me too! Always keep the jewelry and the kids.. I think that’s a good rule of thumb
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I wasn’t in a really long term relationship before I married (I think I was emotionally stunted) so didnt really have anything to keep but my husband had been married before and was still wearing his wedding ring (?) for months after we had been going out. I finally picked a fight about it in the car, so he stopped on a bridge and threw it over the side. I felt better, don’t know about him.
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I don’t have anything from past relationships lying around. During the course of my last breakup I gave everything that he had gifted to me back (as befits my dramatic nature) although there wasn’t anything precious in there.
HOWEVER, my current partner of 2 years has a few photos, mail (some unopened) and literally boxes of books belonging to his ex and I hate it! I don’t know why this upsets me so much as no-one is baggage-free. I think it’s just an insecurity that he hasn’t healed from the trauma of their break-up, and that I will never live up to this shadow of a relationship (silly, I know – but this is how my mind works).
The thing that bugs me the most is that facebook continually recommends that I befriend my partner’s ex! (I also get recommendations to befriend the woman my ex cheated on me with… thanks facebook).
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Wow. I’m in almost exactly the opposite situation. My ex (we were together for two years, and have been broken up almost exactly three years) still has a lot of crap I gave him (and I still have a lot of crap he gave me, but nothing precious – books etc), still drunkenly texts me on occasion, and FB still suggests I add as a friend the girl he cheated on me with and dumped me for. Twitter too. Awkward.
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In Amazon’s Recommendations For You, you can go in and opt to have them not recommend books for you, for whatever reason, they should have that option on facebook – a little tick box, am not interested in being friends with this person, don’t suggest type thing.
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I have stuff from my ex bf around my room- some love letters in my desk draw, photos of us in another draw etc. I barely ever look at them (kinda forget they are there) but i don’t really want to throw them away. I have no idea why- i’m in a happy relationship with someone else now, so it’s not like i’m still pining for him.
My current bf still has a teddy bear on his bed given to him by his ex. Doesn’t bother me at all, his ex is also with someone now and we’re all friends hahaha
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I have kept a bag which was a birthday gift from Mr. What Was I Thinking and a necklace from Mr. Right At The Time as I still like both items. I didn’t keep the Christmas gift Mr. Right At The Time sent me in 2008 as we had broken up six months prior and it felt odd to me that he still sent me a gift!
My boyfriend has surprisingly little from his previous relationship, his wedding ring is in a drawer and he also has a man bracelet which he hates and has never worn. I found it when we moved in together and he wanted to throw it out but I decided to keep it as it is good quality and someone will be happy to have it. At my boyfriends fathers house is a framed wedding photo of my boyfriend and his ex-wife. Slightly odd as their marriage ended two years ago but his dad is a bit clueless round the edges!
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Chuck it!! 20 years together (15 years married) and it’s all been dumped!! Kept a handful of photos for my kids and 4 pieces of jewelry for them. Took a lot of strength to throw it but felt oh so good once it went. Totally cathartic!! He was a liar and a cheat and a sex offender so needed to get rid of every last trace!!!!
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I have kept the wedding photos and other photos of myself and my ex-husband, tucked away in a box. Any presents or toys have been thrown out. I don’t keep the photos for myself, but for my kids, who I realise may be interested in seeing wedding photos of their Dad when they’re older.
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Having a child with my first serious bf,makes it hard I wish I could throw out everything that reminded me of him but sadly can’t as of my son he deserves to see the photos/read the cards that was from his farther. Never was sentimental about previous bf’s crap so it’s all gone. Funny thing though I have chucked out all clothes ect that reminded me of dates/anniversarys
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I have a lovely necklace from an ex where the relationship was seriously bad. I love the necklace but it reminds me of him so it never gets worn. I think I should get rid of it but at the same time – well it is a gorgeous dragonfly. I think I just need to get rid of it.
How do people get rid of things the like because of the memories that go with them?
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I have the exact same thing! A diamond dragonfly necklace from an ex that never gets worn. I am thinking of selling it or having made into something else.
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Mine has diamond ‘chips’ and is just gold plate. It is a relatively inexpensive chain jewellery store type thing, so not worth remodelling. Maybe I should get the guts together to sell it.
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Sell then use the money for a replacement piece of jewellery that doesn’t remind you of him?
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Keep it. In years to come the attachment of your ex to the necklace will fade, and it’ll become just a pretty necklace, and you will wear it just because it’s pretty. Happened to me, true story.
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From my marriages I still have all the jewellery. This will be divided between the girls on their respective 21st’s.
I also have a friendship ring from a bf I had when I was 19. I still wear it to this day – to remind me not to treat people how I treated him.
I remember one particularly tortured relationship ending and then subsequently me burning the beautiful daily diary we wrote to each other as I worked days and he worked nights.
Still have all the photos. I don’t have weird feelings – they were part of my journey to where I am now. There are even photos taken during my last marriage still on both of our facebooks.
Am still good mates with my first ever bf. In fact he still burns the odd cd for me – 25 years later the equivalent of a mixed tape lol.
(Sheepish hi-jack. Back with bloke. Working thru stuff, though he still thinks counselling is like an anaesthetic-free vasectomy with his own teeth….)
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Hope it all works out OK for you HM and that you get what you need from the relationship. My bloke was fortunately willing to go to counselling after I made a bit of a speech to him. And even more fortunately the counsellor was awesome and really engaged him so he was more and more willing to continue. He told me later that he’d been concerned that the counsellor would just take my side and he’d end up getting ganged up on… good luck x
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Mostly I have got rid of letters, cards etc, but I have kept all the letters I received from one ex. They are in two bundles, the ones from “at home” he was in the Navy and lived on base and the ones he wrote when he was deployed in Bosnia.
The things he wrote about were terrifying, the feelings of helplessness, the fultility of it all and the things that he and others in his unit saw were beyond comprehension for a civilian like me.
But inwined within those letters was the man I loved, bits of the man not the sailor would come through. I also have pictures that were taken out there that he sent to me which I have kept, some are of him some are of the base and the area around the base and some were taken when they had just finished a job. He has made some notes on the back of the photo’s that I guess meant something to him at the time.
My now husband has read some of these letters and knows about the rest of them which he accepts.
My ex asked me years ago to keep the letters and the photos, and that when he felt strong enough to revisit that time in his life he would get in touch and ask for them.
We touch base every so often, he asks if I still have the letters I say yes, I ask if he wants them yet and he says no.
We are both married and now live on opposite sides of the world.
It has been 14 years since we have been together and 15 years since he was in Bosnia – I will hold onto his letters for as long as he needs as eventually I feel they will be a form of therapy or release for him.
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Yes, when we were 18 my ex was deployed to east Timor ( not quite the same as Bosnia, I know) I have kept all the letters for my daughter to read when she is old enough…
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How timely. I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago, I haven’t even bothered to go through old stuff yet or decide what I’ll do – it’s all in a box anyway.
I think the worst thing is Facebook – I don’t want to delete years of photos, but I guess when I start to see someone else I would reconsider and delete them out of respect for my new partner.
With my other ex’s – I have an engagement ring that is collecting dust, I have no emotional attachment to it, I think it’s more that I forget about it and never even look at it. Everything else has been disposed of, only because I hate clutter!
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I kept most things & as they years have passed I have dwindled them down to smaller than a shoe box. It took me years to get over him, I believed we would end up together and we would treasure these things. We still occassionally talk or email.
I remember being at a function wearing a Demi Moore type dress (80′s – indencent proposal) looking stunning & he talked to me & I remember I looked at him and said your having an affair (he was married) he blushed and didn’t deny it, he and I said I am so over you, which was true.
I married about 6 years after that I have sonce thrown out everything but I still miss our friendship
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My very recent experience was my new man telling me , that even though it might hurt me, that he would be remaining confidantes with his ex…..hmmm…the beginning of the end…..lasted another 3 weeks…
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I threw all photos, letters out, tore them up into little pieces. I am still bitter about being with that arsehole for all those years that I don’t want to see any reminder of him ever again! My sister told me that it was stupid, that he was part of my past that made me the person i became today. Maybe so but I did not need to be reminded of my immaturity and stupidity at staying with him for so long! I won’t miss any of the photos and memories, I wish I could forget.
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I cashed in my gold jewellery at one of those goldbuyers stalls.
And my cousin helped me create a little bonfire and we burned all photos, cards, letters.
Toys and anything else non-paper were either given away or put in the bin.
It was rather soothing considering the jerk cheated on me on numerous occasions and had a ‘girlfriend on the side’ who he was swinging with.
I do find old photos of my husband’s ex (his mum has them) disturbing and when we were first dating he still had a few things from his recent ex which he got rid of straight away when he saw it made me uneasy.
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Chuck them! I found a big box of letters, cards, concert tickets etc at my dad’s when he moved. Felt so good to throw them out, especially since I hadn’t given them a second thought.
In hindsight I’m glad my ex had such terrible taste in jewellery (and clearly had no idea what I wanted, even when he asked me and I told him) because I sold it all and bought myself something nice with the funds.
I’d feel I was betraying my husband by intentionally holding onto mementoes of someone else.
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The boy and I have been together for a few years and just moved out of our first house into the one we renovated. As I was unpacking I found a huge framed close up photo of the boy and his ex-girlfriend. It didn’t really both me, I thought this is his box, he can unpack it…
Found the photo again, repacked into another box to go into his office.
umm… ALARM BELLS!
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ouch
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What happened? Are you still together?
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This only happened last week!
I asked him about it last night and he said he really hadn’t thought about it but offered to throw it out.
I told him my concerns about if he still has feelings etc but he had some very nice and honest things to say about the previous relationship and ours which really shows me the difference between the two and that there isn’t really any meaning behind the photo.
We are definately still together, especially after our talk BUT it did make my stomach sink for a while!
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I guess the biggest reminder/ memento is my daughter. It took my (now) husband a little while to get his head around that! This is both of our second marriage, and quite frankly without those relationships before we met each other we would never have been able to love and appreciate each other the way we do. I have kept letters and photos but more for my daughter because I wanted her to understand that even tho my relationship with my ex ( her dad) has at times gotten very acrimonious, she was conceived by two people who were once very much in love.
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I don’t keep anything on purpose, cleaned out my cupboard recently and found letters from my first boyfriend, chucked them without a glance. Definitely threw out everything from second relationship, he was a wanker and I wanted him gone from my life without a doubt.
As for being on the other side of things, my last boyfriend was a real struggle. There was one ex he was (never!) over and the other who I’m pretty sure he would have kept as an F-buddy for life. So they were pretty much in the r’ship with us. Worse than any stuff they might’ve given him (there was that too) they were actually there in person, his friends talking about them all the time, etc. What a disaster.
My current relationship with my love is so easy, especially in comparison. He had one ex, from years ago, who I’ve heard the bare minimum about (that she did something awful to him) but I don’t even know her name. There were some pj’s she gave him that he’d never worn, that he dug out and discovered were really comfy, but that was it.
I think it’s really helped our solid trust to develop in our relationship, that there’s been no question marks over exes. So if I was ever inclined to keep anything from a relationship, I’d at least keep it on the low-down, certainly not where they might chance upon it.
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I threw pretty much everything away a few years back, I did send a whole bunch of photos to him and his mum, photos of his family & friends and the house renovations (he still has the house). We barely speak anymore and I have moved on, what’s the point in holdin on to stuff. I think that if you have to hold on to material possessions part of you still hasn’t completely let go….
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I have a box with a photo or two, and cards and love letters. It’s at my parents’ house. I also have some digital stuff from my ex left on my computer.
I want to be able to look back when I am older and remember how it felt to receive those letters, regardless of who I am with now. They are a part of what happened to me; I don’t dwell on them and they don’t diminish what I have with my current boyfriend.
I also have a piece or two of jewellery that I kept because they are pretty and I like wearing them. There’s no sentimental connection there – it’s not an engagement ring.
I’d have no problem with letters or photos being kept in a box, or even jewellery that gets worn or DVDs that get watched – slippers being kept in a cupboard seems extremely sentimental to me though, and a sign that someone isn’t over their ex.
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I agree, those moments and memories helped shape who we are today. I’ve kept a few love letters and even break up letters. I look forward to reading them when I’m old and remembering my love angst youth.
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I still have letters from my boyfriend when I was 16 – everything since then has been by email.
I like to keep things for posterity. I don’t look back at them, but I probably will one day. It was a chapter in my life – why would I want to throw that chapter away?
However, I believe in keeping those relics private…
I strongly recommend you hide or delete photographs of your ex on Facebook. No one wants to get on to their new boyfriend/girlfriend’s Facebook page and see the romantic holiday they took with their ex in 2009.
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I threw all my exes love letters away when I got married. It felt sort of a betrayal to my husband to keep them. My ex was really romantic and wrote letters to me frequently (days before email and mobiles!) I sometimes wish I had kept them, they were a real confidence booster and it would have been nice to look back on and remember that someone else adored me many years ago…..
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I have kept letters from my first love but through out every single card and letter my ex-fiance ever gave me. I think it had something to do with how terrible the break-up with the ex-fiance was compared to my ex-boyfriend. I do still wear a watch that my ex-fiance gave me to as a bday present but to be honest I dont associate it with him at all.
I have kept all photo’s stored on a external hard-drive but I certainly don’t have any in albums around my house.
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I must say however that when I found a pair of undie’s in my current bf’s box of letters from ex’s I was so upset. The letters, cars and photo’s I could deal with. The underwear I could not. It felt more personal, more related to sex. He threw them out the second he saw them (he saw me open the box because we were moving and he had forgotten what was in it). He still has the letters, photo’s and cards and they are tucked away in our storeroom and I don’t mind about this. My letters are in a similiar shoe box in the same storeroom.
So I must say letters, cards and photo’s that are tucked away don’t bother me. Undies do!
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Sounds exactly like me, right down to the watch from the ex (it’s a lovely watch and has lasted about 9 years) and the underwear among my husband’s stuff, found when we were unpacking boxes when we moved in together. Again, straight in the bin.
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The first night that I stayed over at my then-boyfriend’s house, I saw a framed picture on his wall. I asked who it was, and it was his ex-girlfriend, whom he had broken up with six months earlier. Umm….can’t say I was impressed…..
As soon as she heard on the grapevine that he was seeing someone else, she started having personal problems and she “needed” him to help her. After much devastation, I left the cosy couple to it!
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I used to have a habit of collecting cards in general, but now have only kept one that are extra special (from friends and lovers) – I read through them recently and even though I don’t speak to any of the 3 ex lovers, the cards bought back lovely memories but not the old feelings. So I think I will keep them.
I have this one necklace from my last ex, beautiful crystal heart.
I want to wear it but not sure how that would go down with current boyfriend.
Not sure he even notices the jewellery I wear anyway….
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I have a necklace or two given to me by another man (long ago). My bf has never ever asked where any of my jewellery came from, so he wouldn’t know. To me it is just a pretty necklace, and the one that HE gave me is special – I think that’s what counts. I’m sure he does too – it makes him very happy to see me wearing the one he gave me. As far as I can tell, he couldn’t give a fig about the others.
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I don’t understand why people would keep love letters or cards etc from an ex-partner. I wouldn’t expect someone to throw out gifts like clothes, DVD’s or jewelry, but cards and love letters is just taking it too far for me.
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I keep things, though I keep them out of sight. Most of the gifts I’ve received have been popped in the black hole that is beneath my bed. I think it’s nice to have physical reminders of happy times, but if they upset you then it can be really unhealthy to keep. I came out of a 5 year relationship recently, and my ex gave me a ring that I wore daily throughout our relationship, so when we broke up I continued to wear it… until I found out he was in a new relationship. Then the thing made me feel like I was holding on to a dead relationship. I think the worst thing I’ve gathered from past relationships is revisiting them through Facebook; it’s so destructive.
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I agree that Facebook is extremely destructive. Often especially for the new partner who has come along after a long-term relationship.
Particularly with this new Facebook timeline – posts from your partner back in 2006 declaring their love for someone else is extremely hurtful, no matter how mature and sensible you try and be about it.
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oh i agree, the timeline is confronting for all parties, no matter how long ago it was it can be awful to have the past so accessible