My husband and I are watching the tennis when I realise there is an unsettling similarity between our marriage and the game of kings. I’m referring to a new element that has entered our relationship in the past year since our beautiful baby was born: an obsession with point scoring.
Let me explain our point scoring system (although I have a feeling that lots of parents will be familiar with their own version). In our marriage, points are awarded for time spent looking after our baby on our own, while the other spouse enjoys the highly-prized pursuit of ‘free time’.
For me, this free time might be spent strolling around the shops, enjoying the ability to try on clothes or stop for a coffee. Or it might be spent exercising, reading or even just sleeping. For my husband, free time usually consists of a trip to Bunnings.
I must add a caveat at this point – we adore our beautiful baby. We feel extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to play, teach and learn from our little boy and are constantly grateful to be able share our lives with him. We also love spending time as a couple. But that does not mean that we don’t crave the forbidden pleasure of free time. Given that for more than 30 years we enjoyed all of the freedoms available to young, unencumbered individuals, is it really surprising that it is at such a premium these days? Which brings us back to the point scoring system.
Big points are up for grabs when my husband or I need a day out on a weekend for social activities. A day of golf can be devastating for my husband’s tally and I have to think twice about spending a couple of hours getting my hair done. Just Cuts has benefitted considerably from our system. Points are so precious that any time consuming activity has to be very worthwhile to risk losing so many; a hen’s day = yes. A day hungover after a big night out = no.
The point scoring system is complex and nuanced, and is constantly evolving. For example, what the baby is asleep during our time on duty? Or what if one of us is spending extra time at work, leaving the other to mind the baby? And should our baby’s behaviour be taken into consideration when calculating points? Surely, it’s harder to look after an irritable baby than a playful one.
And so, like tennis, the points are often up for debate and our rallies can be long and fierce. A few weeks ago I was giving my husband a WHOLE DAY of free time. I decided to take our baby to the beach for the day, but on the way, the car broke down. As we rolled to a stop on the side of the road, I considered the situation carefully. Was it worth calling my husband and risking the points I was accumulating by interrupting his free time? As this was the only option that I realistically had, short of forking out hundreds for a towing service, I called him at Bunnings. He spent 45 minutes driving to get us, 45 minutes driving back, and half a day arguing with me about whether the morning off counted as free time.
And then there was the time that we debated whether it counted as free time when we were in the shower…
We know it’s petty, ridiculous, perverse, but here we are: sitting, watching the tennis, unwilling to go out, lest we concede a point.
Fleur is a former journalist and marketing officer who moved from Melbourne to regional Victoria to start a family. She is also co-founder of recruitment company MediRecruit Doctor.
Do you have a point scoring system with your partner? How does it work and what earns you the big points?
Comments
63 Comments so far
A point scoring system…. WTF!
You have way too much free-time.
With that I’m off too have a much needed Makers Mark
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Your husband is wasting points if all he does is goes to Bunnings in his free time
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When our kids were little and we were both exhausted all the time, we took turns sleeping in. He slept in Saturday mornings while I got up and did the breakfast routine and my turn was Sundays. Our rule was never to disturb and let each other stay in bed as long as was needed. It worked well
Now they’re older we both sleep in on Sundays while they fend for themselves.
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Have another baby or two (we have 3 under 5). Then there will be absolutely no free time for anyone – hence nothing to argue about. Simple.
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So true….
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My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but even when it comes to running a household or study, we are very much about give and take as needed, rather than keeping it even with points.
Basically, we know we can rely on each other unless one of us specifies that we need time out, or that one of us has a bit of extra time or energy and can do something extra. We can usually tell when the other is feeling that way as well. (We were clearly best friends for a long time before we were together!) I suspect that having a baby together will be no different for us. I don’t know why we would suddenly change a system that we know whilst trying to deal with something as major as a baby entering your life – that’s enough of a change!
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Rach, it’s great that you and your husband have such a great relationship, and your firm friendship will stand you in great stead when you do become parents. Mark my (and every other parent’s) words though, babies change ALL the rules.
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Seriously… Did you not think about this BEFORE you had a baby
.you surely knew what was involved…for heavens sake … You have no idea ..funny isn’t it how I never ever hear of parents of disabled children complaining of a lack of free time…and don’t get me started on what it’s like to have four teenagers … Healthy baby’s are a blessing… Am getting a bit tired of all these mums of heathy baby’s talk about lack of free time aaah
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We don’t point score. We respect that each of us needs time out to refresh. We both care for the three children and do household chores. He works full time hours in four days but what I do at home is seen as a full time job also. We each take time off and we each do the washing and cleaning. He probably does more housework than I do but I do more food prep/cooking/feeding and child-care. Oh, and I get to sleep in on the three days he doesn’t work but I get up through the night to feed the bubba (after all, I’ve got the boobs).
Anyway, it all works out in the wash, we work together to achieve a balance without point scoring but by appreciating each others efforts and being aware that we both need a break to wind down. I do think though that my hubs is an exceptional guy as he values child rearing as a full time job and he just gets on with doing a job if he sees it needs to be done. He also adores his kids and would happily be the the full time parent if my job paid better than his. No complaints.
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I can remember doing something similar on a family holiday with husband and 7month old we would take turns after nap time on who was ‘in charge/responsible’ and the other person got to spend the off time relaxing a bit more – I was reading and he was x-boxing. We also did family stuff together but man i needed those breaks
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Classic!! This is us to a tee. 3 kids under 4, both with full on demanding jobs. Time off to reboot is a golden commodity. It’s taken awhile and we even had a whiteboard with a tally on it going for awhile so I could demo strate the disparity. Here are our rules-
1) Working or work functions don’t count as time off.
2) time off can’t involve any children
3) an hour equals an hour
4) big nights out (even I kids are asleep etc) count – this was a great development as he could rack up 12-14 hours in a big night out!! Now he limits the post-midnight hours lest I end up with a monster credit
4) each of us gets one sleep in a weekend
5) time off can be used for whatever you like- if I want to skip the gym and lie in a bath thats none of his business
Honestly it’s made the world of difference. We only fight whenever the balance of time-out goes too far in his direction and this is a great tool to bring things back to an even split.
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My husband and I will do something similar perhaps every few months but nowhere near that extreme. Scoring points sounds like you’re against each other and as corny and cliche as this sounds you need to be a ‘team’. Seriously, we had 3 children in 3 and half years and I know it can be tough. Unless this has been ‘blown up a bit’ to make it sound funny I would love to tell you both to politely grow a pair.
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The saddest part of this is that you consider being parents “minding the baby”. Nobody is minding anyone, you are parenting. It is 24 hours a day for life, yours and theirs. If you are so uncomfortable with it why did you ever have a child?
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Good grief. This comes under the heading of life’s too short. I couldn’t be bothered wondering who has had more time to themselves. It’s a partnership, not a point scoring game. My opinion only.
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and my opinion too. Nicely said.
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we had a really good flow of your turn my turn until the children hit 11 or 12. Then we found that it was better to make certain chores one persons responsibility, so that we could plan around them.
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A couple of years ago my partner and I found ourselves doing this- “I did this so you should do that”. We decided then that we would make an effort not to do this, and realise that while we have different roles and responsibilities at times and that means someone will do ‘more’ one day, and less another. But we try to make it as even as possible. It’s worked out so far, but my partner is wonderful and does make it easy (I like to think I do too).
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My girlfriend read somewhere that the husband isn’t really affected by the first baby because it’s generally the mother who takes control and is the primary caregiver. However when the second baby comes along, the husband then experiences the feelings of being overwhelmed and snowed under in baby stuff because he is more likely to be called upon to help out and do his share.
This makes sense to me in terms of the point scoring that some of us do when we have kids. The first time around the bloke just gets up and keeps doing what he used to do pre-baby because “you’ve got to feed her anyway, right?” Or, “you can sleep with the baby and I’ll be out of your hair” (strangely enough you’re really grateful for his kind suggestion on this one until you finally realise 5 months later that you could be sleeping through a facial instead).
Second time around, there’s likely to be a crying limpet around a leg that needs to be removed before walking through a maze of toys, clothes and nappy sacks before he gets out the door. There’s no getting out of your hair then.
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Funny funny! My husband and I have a less formal system – he plays golf on Saturday’s I sleep in on Sunday’s. It’s funny though – I have noticed that I need less time than he does to do my own thing – so I just give him a bit more time and never feel bad about taking some time for myself when I need it.
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Love it – Its us entirely! Yes, I consider his time on the bus to work free time, and even his toilet breaks at work free time as he doesn’t have 2 kids and a cat talking to him whilst wee-ing.
Also, the sleep in he gets on weekends means I get a nap at lunch. Luckily it all comes out in swings and roundabouts. I have to say that when the kids were small I used to keep a much more accurate “points scoreboard” in my head.
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There are many many drawbacks to separated parenting. Although I have come to realise that one blessing in disguise is the large amount of free time I get
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Oh I hear you there! I get 2 and a half free blissfully quiet days when the ex has the kids. Funny that we had to split before he did his share
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I have 3 kids and we never had a points system. I guess we are lucky that either of us just lets the other one do what they want ,without abusing things, so we have never needed to keep a tally. If my hubby was one that wanted to go out golfing or down the pub all the time then things may have been different.
Each to their own though, if it helps then do it!!
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Hehe, I am currently trying to calculate how many points my husband will score when I jet off to Bali for 4 days with girlfriends…
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last year I went to Bali with girlfriends and he went to the AFL grand final. Didn’t plan it that way (people asked if t was tit for tat)
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Here is the answer to my problems, why didn’t I think of a point system before???
My husband works away 4/4 weeks, which means I’m effectively a single parent for six months of the year. When hubby is back he thinks he’s on holidays and so the main care of our child is still my responsibility along with maintaining the household and I work three days/week too. He does watch our girl one day a week when he’s home when we keep her out of day care while I work but the other two days he can basically do whatever he wants, although the original agreement was that is was supposed to be housework on one if the days.
I wonder how many points I could build up while he’s away and gets to go to the gym every day, doesn’t get woken up overly other night, has his meals cooked, his laundry done, his bed made. Any suggestions?
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It’s a tough one I agree… That used to be my life and I sympathize..
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Hey DKMum!
Hubby may have all that time to himself on roster but he is still at work and probably working hard to provide. Perhaps it would help to negotiate a formal shared time where he can parent while you catch up and have time alone ….. and NOT to do housework or food shopping but actual time for yourself?
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This is me and my family. Points are spent on game days (for my husband) and going out with my friends (for me). A sleep in for him get me an afternoon nap. Going to the shops with both kids gets a coffee with mates. We’re not totally strict about it but we do call out ‘your turn!’ whenever one of the kids is acting up. To the point where, when my 6mo is whining is his cot for his dummy, my 5yo will look at me, roll her eyes and say ‘I’ll do it’. We’ve trained her good.
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Wow ive never heard of this before. My husband works 5 days a week and I look after the 3 children under 3 for 7 days a week 24 hours a day I get 1 hour each night to do what I need to do of an evening when they’ve all gone to sleep.
But I don’t think I’d have it any other way
Very grateful that I don’t have to work and were very comfortable financially.
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Same for me. 3 children under 4 and I don’t work. My husband works 4 days a week but I’m the lucky one to be able to stay home with the kiddies.
Never occurred to me to keep score.
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Love this article, I get a lot of free time when my partner is home, our scorecard is about who is going to be skipper when we go out and I have soooo many points up my sleeve from 2 pregnancies and subsequent breast feeding time that I figure he would have to be skipper forever.
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This article is in jest. Absolutely hear that there are loads of single parents out there with no free time but that is not the point of this article. She highlights an underlying relationship dynamic that is absolutely true for those parents lucky enough to have the option of some free time every now and then. I thought it was a great article.
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Ditto! A well written, funny article and once again MamaMia has somehow managed to feature an article about the very topic that is OMM this week!
Keep it up MamaMia-ers – I love articles about FWPs (first world problems) – it may not be a life or death matter but it is often the little annoying things that build up in life and I think this site is like a chat with your girlfriends where you can chat about anything, empathize with each other, laugh and move on!
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LOL! I loved this article!
I couldn’t say that we have ever had a specific points system, but I do know that feeling of ‘you’ve been out X number of times and it’s about time I got a turn’! The stay at home Mum is more likely to feel this way because she has the kids all day every day and eventually the average adult starts to crave even a tiny amount of adult company, even though they adore their kids and feel very very priveleged to have them! I don’t think there is anything wrong with that! I should say (in response to all of the posts below) that this doesn’t mean that people are looking for a time out every day, or even every week – it could be as simple as this year you had a weekend away, and I would like a weekend away sometime in the next 12 months too!
So how many points did you have to give your hubby for the time it took you to write this article?
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I find this article a little insulting. I am a single mother of 2yo twins. My boys have no father. I don’t get a break, I don’t get ‘me’ time and I have not once got to sleep in since the day they were born. I don’t think some people with spouses/partners appreciate what they have.
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I’ve been a single mother also, to two beautiful children (never ever getting a break)…and no offence, but you will certainly do yourself a favour by losing the victim mentality and seeing everything as being about you. Your processing of this article as offensive to you is way over the top. Life’s more fun when you accept the challenge with a focused mind. This is a fun article. It’s fluff. Be positive. Life gets better. I promise.
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Man, I’m so far ahead in the points department, my husband wouldn’t WANT to take the issue up with me…..
Btw, the tone of the article is in jest, lighten up everyone!
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Lol, me too, I’m winning by a mile, so I just stopped counting, it was making me bitter!
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why do people feel the need for the caveat of loving their child? It is totally ok to need a break now and then, it doesn’t mean you love your kids any less.
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Oh I think this is funny! My husband and I used to be similar, albeit a bit more relaxed – it was more about making sure that the time off for each of us was even-ish, and not so much about scoring the chores and looking-after-children.
So long as it doesn’t get too crazy, I think that it is good to be able to feel confident that both mum and dad are getting an even break. That bitter feeling of jealousy that comes from one-sided freedom is awful and eats away at relationships. I still remember it from baby #1, and am so glad that we have moved well past it.
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Oh same for me. With child #1 I had a lot of resentment as my husband had around 99% of the free time available but now nearly 8 years later it’s much closer to 50/50 and he has even suggested I go out on occasion. I am so glad we are past it too.
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I loved this article. My husband and I certainly have a points system going on. Because my husband does rotating shift work he often has days off through the week then works on the weekend so he likes to go for a beer on a Thursday afternoon however I work Thursdays so he scores points for having the kids all bathed, dinner cook, washing put away and the house spotless. Letting me sleep in while he gets up early with the kids earns him big points too.
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Eek. Seriously?! I get that both parents need a little time to themselves, but I felt really uncomfortable reading this. The ME generation.
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Agree! This article made my skin crawl, I never want to live like that.
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I’m not in the ME generation but I like this article and agreed with it. How does that fit into your generalisation?
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This article made me cringe a little. I’m really hoping it was written in jest but it doesn’t have that tone, so I’m guessing not? It sounds like you have a very young baby so perhaps that’s why it’s so intense with the pointscoring but seriously……you considered calling your husband when your car broke down because it might cost you some time in the future?!
Parenting shouldn’t be about tit for tat – it should be about being able to support one another in the ebbs and flows of life. Sometimes you need that ‘me’ time and sometimes your partner does but keeping tabs on it is a surefire way to add tension to your relationship. I realise that not every relationship works this way but I think if you can learn to communicate your needs and recognise your partner’s needs, it will even out in the end.
Or perhaps I’m just lucky?
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I think it was written in jest ………….
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Fair enough but I do have friends that seriously do this and it irritates me when I think about other friends who do it all by themselves as single parents.
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Ha! This is so funny. We did loads of point scoring when our kids were little. When my husband would brag about what he had done (washing, cleaning, baby maintenance etc.) I would say, “Yes I’m just having your medal polished.” No need to point score now the kids are older although I will still bring out the ultimate – I gave birth to your two children – when absolutely necessary!
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Oh god. The fun police out out again! This is a funny article. People need to lighten up! I am a single mummy and I found this article very funny. You are damn right – I keep scores. I love my children fiercely, but free time is essential and makes me a better mother! Geez some people are so freaking serious. Get a sense if fun and humor!
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hehe, this made me laugh out loud. good article!
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Don’t laugh at the points system if it’s applicable and works for you. I work 8-5 five days a week and my husband works at our pub/restaurant six and a half days a week 9am to midnight. No luxury of a points system here, it’s me or a babysitter. Or the three of us together on his half day off.
Now that I think of it, I have an unofficial points system with our good friend whose little girl is two weeks older than ours, lol. I think I have the deficit right now.
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This is weird. People do this? I assume it’s done in jest.
My husband regularly goes to the movies on tightarse Tuesday, basketball, and the cricket. I like late night shopping and used to go out for Gruen night (can’t wait for it to come back!). Out of courtesy we’ll try not to book anything in on those nights, and confirm before we do.
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So true and so articulate. Its even trickier when you both work and you try to say who’s work should get more points! When my first baby was born, I dreamed of how easy work was with its 8-5 limits, no screaming baby and no pooey nappies! But really, this is everyday life and its a challenge. All relationships need time invested and this is one of the many give and takes that make them really work.
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Oh boy. This is so familiar. I get it. We adore our daughter. There’s nothing we wouldn’t do for her. But we still keep track of who’s spent more time alone with her on the weekend while someone *coughs* not naming any names, sleeps.
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My husband was using ‘points’ for years before I realised I should be taking some for myself. I let him have all the free time he wanted while I felt bogged down with the responsibility of baby rearing. Now am wondering why the heck I did that!
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Gawd. This is my life.
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Classic! Sadly, I relate all too well, and my partner and I don’t even have kids. We do the scoring over housework and money. Sigh. The petty minds of humans…
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Ditto!
“well considering you spend ridiculous amount of money on protein and supplements and gym memberships each month, i can spend ridiculous amount of money and time getting my hair done!”
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I try to bite my tongue sometimes over certain house duties, because there are those I know I’d prefer to keep doing than trade for the ones my husband does!
That said, it does drive me nuts when he washes the dishes (the few that are left after dinner because I’ve washed the rest as I’ve prepared the meal) and expects a bloody medal for it (and the rest of the week off)!
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Oh Bunny – that cracks me up
My hubby is just the same!!
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I can relate to scoring over housework. We’re trying to get rid of it though, because it’s not pleasant…
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