Sometimes relationship break ups can be a punish and it takes ages to emerge from the fog, sometimes they end and it’s time to move on to another relationship right away. But how do you know? Mamamia reader Kim* writes:
“Recently (3.5 weeks to be exact) I split with my partner of six and a half years. Now, in my mind our relationship has been over for a long time. We have not had sex in over a year, he is overworked – we just live day to day as housemates and not much more.
A few weeks before I “bit the bullet” – I met someone. At a wedding. Interstate (my home state). This guy was amazing – incredible. Nothing happened – although I would have let it if he had not been such a gentleman and put me in a cab.
We have been in close contact ever since – I have even been to see him, and he has been to see me. We have decided that yes, we would like to be together. In my mind it is not too soon, it’s not a rebound – but to everyone else this is going to sting. This new guy’s opinion is that everyone is entitled to a private life, and not everyone is going to like it, but the people who matter will come around in the end.
What does everyone think?
Comments
66 Comments so far
Very helpful
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To all the beautiful women who have responded… I had to google some reassurance that my situation/feelings ( the same as the above mentioned) were not completely irrational & selfish. I came out of a 4 yr relationship a month ago and someone who could potentially be everything I’ve ever wanted has fallen in my lap. In one hand I have butterflies & new dreams, and in the other the sinking feeling that maybe I should still be grieving my old relationship even though it was over years ago. My heart is smiling with freedom & hope. Thank you for your very important question, and thank you beautiful ladies for your sincere & gentle answers x
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sometimes it takes something (or someone) as a catalyst or motivation for you to make that big move (the breakup) that you’ve been pondering about.
So it’s not too soon.
There will always be people who judge. So what?
It affects every second of your life 24/7 and the quality of your life depends on it. Does it affect them the same way? Not at all.
So if it feels right and it makes you happy, go for it.
Others who truly love you will come around eventually. When they see you are happier now than you were before they will come to realise you made the right decision.
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I have been single for over three years now and I am soooooooo ready to meet someone.
I feel so much better hearing that so many people knew it was over before it was over, I greived in the relationship where as my ex greived after we broke up. About 3-6 months ago I hit a wall and got a bit sad about our break up again but I think that was a sign of being lonely.
Mr right please feel free to come find me NOW!
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go for it. i did. he’s amazing.
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I think you should go for it.
But I feel sorry for you, and for your ex, if you stayed in a relationship long past its expiry date, only to finally make the break once you found someone else.
Yes, meeting someone can make you realise you definitely shouldn’t be with the one you’re with anymore – but only jumping from one relationship to the next throughout life (although I don’t know if YOU actually do that or not) isn’t fair on the people you’re with… or you.
Plenty of people do it. Doesn’t make it right…
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my husband and i got together only a week or so (maybe even less) after the end of my previous relationship of 3.5years. because the relationship had been over emotionally for a long time it was easy for me to move on to my new realationship. 7 years later and i know it was the right thing.
go with your gut – if it feels right just go for it!
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“A punish” – wtf ? Is my grammar out of date or does that not make sense?
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Whenever you are ready you are ready.
Enjoy
X
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Sounds pretty straightforward to me. Be Happy!
If this new guy makes you happy, dont delay your happiness to please anyone else.
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I don’t belive it’s ever too soon to start dating again,especially as you already knew the other relationship was over. Why wait and be lonely if you have a chance to meet someone and be happy again
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I was married for 12 years and as soon as I broke up with him, I started dating. Not quite the same as taking up with someone you’ve been emotionally involved with, but close enough.
I was domiciled with my ex for some months and I’m sure people thought badly of me. You know what – after all the crap I’d put up with, the lack of appreciation and love in my life….I didn’t care.
Just be really clear to your friends. It was over for a long time before it ended. I knew I had to end it when I started gravitating to more male friendships, “New Guy” was one of those friendships and it blossomed into something more once I was available.
Anyone who can’t understand that is being a bit harsh. Go and enjoy your life.
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Im guessing you probably left your partner because you met this other person… and thats ok. I was in a very unhappy boring relationship for 7 years dying to leave but without the courage. My boyfriend actually had an emotional affair with a close friend of ours and left me for her… they married shortly after and i recently found out they are having a child and are super happy (whatever). Im married to someone else and super happy too. I can say that im still a bit bitter with the way my ex handled the situation at the time…he wasn’t very respectful to me and tried to hide his new relationship from everyone and came up with a 1000 reasons why i had ruined our relationship. I kind of wish he was more honest with everyone. Anyway the point is i think it is fine for you to start seeing this guy but i would just be honest with everyone. That you were unhappy and that you met this other person which helped you get the courage to break up with your ex..and you want to see how it goes. Just be honest and respectful to your ex. The reality is some people wont care, some will and then get over it, some might not…. but you cant not follow your heart based on that.
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I agree with Kate here, go for it!!
But respectfully to those close to ur ex, ur ex and whoever else may not understand where ur feelings were towards the end of ur long relo.
I was in the same boat as Kate. Long 6 year relo, totally ingrained in the family, geez we even bought a house that his family and i lived in!
Now after i had enough of the ‘close friend’ that was a little bit too much closer to him than me for far too long, it ended. and yes, most around us saw it coming but knew we had to see it for ourselves.
Shortly after i found myself spending more time with an old friend, recently turned colleague in fact.
The connection is so strong, but we denied our feelings for so long, until a few months of this just got together for US. not worrying about others but also not going out to do things that may hurt them or disrespect them. family was the hardest part – but in the end, people will talk and u cant control that. when they get over it, they will understand, u also want and DESERVE happiness too!
If it feels right, dont deprive yourself of this happiness. live in the now and not the future love that may happen.
All the best!
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My best friend was in a sad marriage. She hadn’t been happy for a long time when she met someone else. Nothing happened between them but it was enough for her to realise she wanted out. She left her husband and began seeing the new guy straight away. Seven years later they are still blissfully happy, married with 2 kids. Her marriage had been over for a long time and it wasn’t until she met someone new that she realised she deserved to feel that happy. Kim you need to focus on what will make you happy and no one else. Good luck!
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I think it’s something only you know the answer to.
Were you the one who ended things with your partner or was it a mutual decision?
Do you feel lonely? How happy are you being single? Do you prefer to be single or in a relationship? Do you think the reason(s) why your relationship just ended will also cause this new relationship to have problems? Why did your last relationship end? Were you unhappy in your last relationship for a long time? Do you remember why you “fell in love” with your partner in the first place?
These are not judgements at all.
These are just thoughts for you to consider, as I do not know you. I think answering these questions (to yourself) will help you answer your ultimate question: is it too soon?
I wish you the very best, regardless of what you choose to do.
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I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years and who I lived with in February. Like others have said the relationship was over long before I ended it. To add to this, we didn’t let any of our friends in on it until I moved out and we’d organised the split.
Over the last three months I have had this conversation a number of times and everyone’s opinion has been different. Some friends said life’s too short jump straight in, others had mathematical formula’s for new relationships based on the length of time we’d been together and some debated the difference of time required between innocent dating to boost self esteem and a serious relationship.
Last week, I met a guy and we went out on a date. As anticipated the response from friends was mixed and varied. For some acquaintances, I feel that their judgement will be so harsh that I am going out of my way not to tell them. (Hence the reason they are only in the acquaintances basket!) Others have been over the moon excited and seen it as a symbolic occasion in my move away from my ex.
The reality is, people are always going to have an opinion whether they voice it or not. You need to do what you’re comfortable and what you feel is right.
I do believe it is the better person who does not rub it in their exes face regardless of the reasons behind the behind the break up and how smoothly or badly it all ended. As others have said, put the shoe on the other foot.
Good Luck with your relationship, hope it works well for you.
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It sounds as though you, like me 5 years ago, checked out of the relationship mentally and emotionally before you did physically. So you’re probably ready to meet someone new even though the outside world thinks your breakup is fresh. I say go for it. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, but you won’t be left wondering ‘what if’.
My wonderful sweetheart and I met at a friend’s party (a girl we’d both previously dated, to be exact). He wasn’t what I’d have called my type but we clicked, and we went home to my place for a one night stand. Six months later he’d moved cities to be with me. 3 1/2 years later we’re still blissfully together. Mutual friends had warned him off me, not realising that I also like men, but fortunately he ignored them.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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My boyfriend was single for just a month when we had our first date , we were set up by his mother . His Ex dumped him about three times and the last time , she moved out. He said he was over her and I could tell he was really serious about me and he never brought he up. We have been together for almost two years and live together. I say go for it , as long as it is for the right reasons x
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If you really have serious feelings for this man then I doubt you’ll stay away just for the sake of ‘a tasteful break’. Nor should you! I agree with a lot of previous sentiments – life is too short.
The only thing I’m curious about is if your ex felt that the same way you did about the relationship. Was it ‘over before it was over’ for him too? I would keep it quiet to start with just to control the awkward questions and rumour mill going into overdrive, and if you’re still on speaking terms with your ex maybe try and tell him before he hears it through the grapevine and is gets worried about an overlap.
It’s true what they say about finding love when you least expect it! Good luck xx
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Also, picture yourself as an older woman and looking back on your life. Don’t live with the regret of what could have been and wondering what happened to him. Take that chance.
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You be happy. Lifes too short. Don’t worry about what other people will say as noone knows what really happened except you. I love my man but if we were to break up tomorrow, I would never ever ever put myself through the pain, suffering, hurt of off and on again sleeping with the ex, 6 years or so of this when I should have been dating an having fun. I shut myself away. I saved a lot of money but I was broken. And then some more. I will never put myself trough that again an it’s the biggest regrest of my life. You take that chance, everything will be okay and fuck everyone else. You are free! Free! Free! Best wishes. The heart wants what the heart wants.
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My sister actually met her now boyfriend of 2 years while he was still dating another girl on and off.
While we had our misgivings at the start, time proved us all wrong. Your true friends are those who will tell you their concerns, but if you still choose the other “road”, will still stand by you no matter what.
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i broke up with my boyfriend if three years october. i meet up with an old friend in late novemember and as soon as i saw him i felt something for him. we’ve been together every day since and i don’t have any doubts in my feelings for him. i had felt disconnected and ‘single’ – although never acting on it, for the past 8 or so months in my previous relationship so i felt like i had done my ‘getting over it’ while we were still together, plenty of people judged me for settling down with my new boyfriend so quickly but i’m happy and i know it feels right! just go with it!!! good luck and be happy! x
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You are the only person living in your life so you gotta do what’s right for you.
The question you may want to ask yourself though, for your own personal growth, is why it took you so long to leave a relationship in which you were unhappy. Are you afraid to be alone? Is your new relationship really about the relationship or is it a safety zone?
Only you know the truth that’s in your heart – listen to yourself and do what makes you happy!
Good luck!
‘An unexamined life is not worth living’ says Plato (and Madonna) – I say don’t just let life happen to you, but YOU happen to LIFE.
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Do it!
I had a very similar scenario with my ex boyfriend. I felt like a horrible person, but knew it was not worth missing.
Me and the new beau have been together for three years and just moved in together. A few friends and family members were a bit ruffled at first but got over it quickly when they saw how much happier I was.
Best of luck!
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Go for it! Nothing wrong with splitting an unhealthy relationship. We are not all of our grandparents’ generation where many married or partnered for life, irrespective if the relationship was healthy or not!
I hit the ground running when my marriage broke up. It had been over for a lo-o-o-o-ng time. I say If you don’t like being alone, why should you! Stuff what anyone else thinks. You do what is best for YOU and what makes YOU happy. You are lucky/blessed that you both found each other and feel the same way. It is much harder when you are ready to move on, start dating and men (especially online dating types) don’t know what they want and waste your time and sometimes break hearts due to lack of sincerity.
May the force be with you – Na Noo Na Noo!
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I agree go for it! I met my husband (been together now 7 years, 3 beautiful children and blissfully happy) a week before I split with my ex, he was the kick up the bum I needed to bite that bullet on an ended relationship. I would be careful with the other guys heart though and be discreet, it might of been over in your head for a long time but it could be very fresh to him
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I say go for it too.
I was in a similar position and when I started dating the new guy some people were a bit pissy and judgy. But who really cares? I sure didn’t, and I found out my true friends were the ones that were happy for me.
… and we’ve been together now for four years.
But having said that, you may still want to take it slow. You don’t want to resent him in a few years for missing out on that initial ‘me’ time.
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I’ve been in a similar situation too.
If the new relationship feels right to you, go for it. Try to keep it on the DL out of respect for your ex, but if he asks if anything is going on – be honest with him. Also be honest with your new guy… you don’t want him thinking you are ashamed of starting something new with him… just make sure he understands the reason you want to keep it quiet for a while.
In short, do what is right for you, but don’t hurt others by doing it.
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I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years and 12 months ago I left. I have had a couple of “one nighters” since then but quite frankly a relationship scares the hell out of me. I am scared to let another man into my life and don’t want to end up how I did in my last relationship. I have been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks now and I do like him, he treats me with respect and gentleness, something totally foreign to me. I can tell he wants to take things further but I am keeping him at arms length because I know I am not emotionally ready for anything more. The way I see it is that everyone deals with break-ups/relationships differently. I think you should do what feels right for YOU. Don’t be pressured into a relationship if you don’t want it, but don’t stop one from happening because you are scared of what other people will think. Do it for you.
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Sounds like you’d already mentally the relationship a year ago, so you’re comfortable.
Fair enough.
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Go for it. I’ve been single for seven years, looking for a man who excites me. You’re lucky.
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Go for it! Do what feels right to you.
Every relationship is different. Like you, I split up with a boyfriend after 4 years but emotionally the relationship had been over for a long time. So as soon as I’d cried my tears about finally ending it, it was time to move on.
I was happy to stay single for a while. I was looking forward to it. I’d been in a relationship since I was 17 years old, an abusive controlling relationship. I wanted to rebel, to be free, to be single and not have to tell anyone what I was doing all the time.
2 weeks into this new single fun I told a male friend (of 6 years) we were going to the movies. I was enjoying being ‘allowed’ to go somewhere with a male friend. At the movies we got into a popcorn fight and although hands didn’t touch, lips didn’t meet, nothing happened, I knew in that moment he was the one. I knew it had only been 2 weeks, that I should go off and be free, but I didn’t care. I had found my soul mate. It’s like in When Harry Met Sally “When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
I did have my closest friends ask if it was a rebound and I simply gave them the response “No – to me that relationship was over a long time ago”.
I married that man. I don’t regret it for a second.
The most important advice I can give you is to do what feels right for you, for the right reasons. Because you want to. Not because you should, not because someone else thinks it’s right, not because you’re afraid of being alone, but because you want to.
T.
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Miss T – What a wonderful story. I am so glad you got out of a bad relationship and found yourself a man deserving of your love.
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I love that movie. It’s my go-to movie when I feel sad.
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Go for it – life is too short! It may even help you ex move on faster too.
Good luck!
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Go for it! Be happy.
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i was in a 3.5yr relationship that should of ended well before that, looking back i was scared to take the plunge and end it because he was a little..emotionally unstable.
what forced me to bite the bullet was when i reconnected with an old friend and felt something so strong for him, and him for me, i knew i had to end the relationship. while the breakup was every bit as hellish as i had always imagined, all i felt in walking away was pure relief. i tried hard to wait a few months before starting a new relationship, but what i felt was too strong, we were together only a few weeks after i ended my previous relationship. i did keep it on the low down for quite a while though, mainly to give my ex a chance to move on before hearing about it.
i copped some grief from some people like my mum for starting a new relationship so soon, but my close friends who knew the whole story were always supportive and in time it became clear even to my mum that this new relationship was far healthier for me. its now 6 years later and we are married with a bub, i have never looked back and never been happier. so my advice is, if it feels right, dont fight it just because of what others may think. life is too short.
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If it feels right, do it!
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Don’t snap my undies
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(…I hope you get that)
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Hey Moe…YEAH MOE!!
You guys can’t come in like that.
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Everyone is different. I started dating again within weeks of my ex moving out. To be honest it had been coming for the last 3 years, so I truly felt that I had processed what I’d needed to before I hit the dating pool. My current partner waited almost 3 years before dating again. Perhaps its different when you are the dumper than the dumpee?
Just be honest with yourself. I’ve actually cut ties with a so called well meaning friend who gave me grief whenever I was dating whilst she cannot maintain a healthy relationship at all. Trust your gut and make your choices for you.
Best of luck!
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Right on sister. You gotta cut lose the haters! Toxic friends, who needs ‘em.
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I have two friends, both of whom broke up with their partners after they had been together over 10 years and both of whom moved on within three months of the relationship ending. They both considered the relationship had been over for sometime before they officially ended it. On both occassions, I had my doubts, with one, it was about the guy, with the other, it was dealing with the hurt. When they asked, I told them I thought it was too soon, but was careful in how I passed this on as I was aware that I could be totally misreading everything because I was on the outside, but told them that whatever they did, they had my support. Fast forward a few years, and I happy I was careful with how I said what I had to, because both of them are married to who could be considered the rebound guy and both are incredibly happy. Only you know whats best for you, so trust your own instinct. It can’t hurt to take on constructive comments but ultimatley its your life and your decision to make.
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You sound like you have your head on your shoulders and if it feels right and you’re not still with your ex boyfriend then I don’t see the problem. It sounds like your relationship ended long ago but I think you’re wary because you were together for a long time.
You deserve to be happy and even though you officially broke up 3.5 weeks ago, in my mind you broke up a year ago and have been ships passing each other in the night ever since. When people break up then rarely stop sleeping together for months (well that was the case for me anyway after my 6-year relationship ended)
I’ve always thought that when two people stop being intimate with one another that is the real moment they break up.
If it were me though I’d rather be out of the house you’re living with him if you’re going to hook up with this new guy. It might be awkward otherwise.
x
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There are so many of these so-called relationship rules – the ‘right’ amount of time to start dating again, the ‘right’ amount time to call, the ‘right’ amount of time before you sleep together etc.etc. I hate them all. Every situation is different, every person is different. If it feels right it is worth taking a chance on. People close to you will come around and support you in the end.
Good luck xox
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Surely there is some value in giving yourself space to process? Yes, it is uncomfortable to be alone. But personally I think it’s braver to sit alone for a spell and feel what it actually feels like to re-evaluate and be free, than it is to dive into another person. I know the norm is for humanity to bound from one relationship to another. But is it especially healthy? Is it because we can’t bear to sit alone with ourselves? And because we want to be comforted and have our ego boosted by another (who sees good things in us). It’s really important that women can see those good things in ourselves and are aware of what is propping up our self esteem, regardless of who else loves us.
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Totally agree with you Nat. After breaking up from my long-term partner I’ve been single for the last 6 months and yes it has been hard and I’ve been lonely… it’s make me get to know the person I am and made me more independent so when the right person comes along I’ll be ready.
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I dont think its too soon, especially because it sounds like you both withdrew from the relationship a long time ago.
Even so, I would probably keep the new on quiet for a little while
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Agree. Enjoy each other and the space you have from the rest of the world. You don’t want people breathing down you neck with opinions straight away.
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I agree with what others have said – go for it but keep it quiet for a while out of respect for the feelings of your ex (I agree a year without sex means the relationship was over a long time ago but he might not realise that and you were living together…) and let others get used to the idea slowly.
In any case, it’s nice to have the beginning of a relationship all to yourselves and not share it too publicly. Just revel in it and protect it for a while.
JMHO
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I’m in a similar situation, although my break-up came out of the blue and it’s been a few months. That said, I have struggled with feeling like I “shouldn’t” move on. But the fact is that we all deserve to have fun and enjoy ourselves.
My only advice would be to tap into what YOU want (as opposed to the opinions of well-meaning friends, family or even the new partner) and be real with yourself. If it IS too soon, chances are you’ll discover it sooner rather than later.
And as for the the potential “sting”…there are no guarantees anyway, so much better to enjoy each day as it comes!
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i think i would treat your ex how you would like to be treated if the situation was reversed. so i’d keep it a little quiet, not rush things but absolutely go for it too!
good-luck, hope it all works out for you!
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I’m assuming that you don’t have kids complicating the situation. You sound like you are mentally out of your current relationship and ready to move on. So go for it. I would however try to keep things a little low-key while everyone else wraps their collective heads around it especially if your ex is still getting used to the idea of the breakup.
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If it feels right go for it. Do you have any doubts? If you have already broken up with your previous bf, then nothing should be stopping you from trying a relationship with this guy. Things happen when you least expect it – good timing or not and regardless of what others think
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Go for it! It’s YOUR relationship, not theirs. If your old one was dead in the water for so long I suspect most would have picked up on that anyway.
I ended a relationship (we were engaged) after 3 or so years together. I met my current partner about 2 months later and have never been happier. I was miserable with my previous partner and am sickeningly happy with this boy and am so glad I just went for it. Everyone realises I am better off now, and could see my previous partner was not the one for me. And even if anyone had questioned it… too bad. It’s my life
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Go for it! I broke up with my ex because I felt didn’t want to be in a relationship but then I met someone unexpectedly and within weeks was dating. Like you, I was hesitant and questioned myself whether it was ‘too soon.’ Five years later we are still together and still going strong!
Good luck!!!
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Treat others how you would expect to be treated.
Also remember to try and think “if I were to look back at how I am behaving would I be ashamed?”
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