BY MARK MANSON
“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?”
“Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?”
“He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”
Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that. Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.
Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.
These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.
Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?
What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
Top Comments
FUCK YES!!!!!!! Thank you for this!
Should have listen to that years and years ago. Would have saved me from 6 years of misery, questioning myself, being needy for confirmation. What a horrible time. And for sure it did end the moment he met somebody he could say YES to.
And then I met somebody I had a clear and loud YES and him as well. What a different it was. Only then I knew what a good and real relationship feels like. The rest was a waste of time.
But not quite - because it is part of who I am and without it I might not be so grateful what I have now.
I believe nobody has to bend backwards and change the self to find the YES but might need to develop and grow.