I just can’t help it, I have personal space issues.
I remember exactly where we were sitting in the concrete undercroft in my primary school. “Imagine an invisible bubble being drawn around you” the less-intimidating of the two grade-one teachers explained. “Choose how big you want that bubble to be – it can be as close to you or as far away as you would like. This is your personal space, your special protective zone. Never let anyone break into that bubble that you don’t want to.”
This well-intended message provided great hysteria in the next class recess. Twenty over-stimulated six-year-olds deliberately running into each other’s imaginary bubbles, bouncing off each other and, of course, the bad boys menacingly pretending to break the bubbles of the quietest girls (some things never change, right?). Although I joined in the fun at the time, it seems the message – and my protective bubble – became well and truly ingrained in my psyche because as it turns out, I have serious personal space issues.
For the most part, I consider myself to be a fairly warm and all-embracing kind of girl, but only metaphorically. Emotionally I’ll open up to almost anyone who’ll listen (willingly or not). I’ll share secrets and divulge personal information you didn’t even want to know. Stand a little too closely behind me at the supermarket checkout, however, and chills go up my spine. I’ll go so far as to lose my place in line to grab a magazine I have no intention of reading if I can hear the person behind me breathe.
I cringe when someone sits next to me in a waiting room and their body makes contact with mine, even if it’s as something as mundane as an elbow on an armrest. I have learnt to perform Olympic grade gymanstic manoeuvres to avoid strangers fondling my pregnant belly (seriously, it is still my skin!). As for airline travel – well that’s just a nightmare for me. The mere possibility of someone falling asleep on my shoulder, or naked foot finding its way on top of mine has by skin crawling.
Before you assume I just have issues with the general public, I should clarify that my personal space problems go far beyond stranger danger. Even with good friends, I am a fairly useless hugger. My hands always find their way on some part of the other person’s body, whether it’s shoulders or their upper back in some form of football hug. I’ve even caught myself throwing in the odd man-hug “back pat”. I can never seem to comfortably bring my chest or torso to oh-so-casually make contact with someone else’s, no matter how well I know them.
It’s not just because I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding for what now feels like a swollen eternity, either. I am just never going to be known for my hugs. On the contrary, one of my friends gives amazing hugs. She pulls you in closely and holds you in a way that makes you believe she is genuinely happy to see you, sad to say goodbye, or just that “everything will be OK”. These are the hugs that can bring much needed smiles or tears to the surface when you most need it.
Surprisingly enough I have even found myself surrendering to her embrace. I am not sure whether it has been a deliberate act on her behalf, but over the years she has gradually worn me down and literally opened my arms to her affection and compassion. I go into a hug with her knowing it will be a good one, and these days I squeeze her back as opposed to arching my back away from her.
The irony is, as much as she loves herself a good hug, I’ve never seen her partake in the confused world of air-kissing. I, however, give pseudo air-kisses out readily and inappropriately. To any male friend’s new female companion, to people I work with, or at Christmas to anyone who gets close. I sure don’t give them out “properly”, though. A “peck on the cheek” from me is more like hovering my cheek in the vicinity of the recipient’s face. Contrast this to a school friend who pecks lips on lips and I am back to my horrified state of bubble-burstingly inappropriate intimacy.
Being the diverse species we humans are, there are many different perceptions of what is or is not acceptable when it comes to issues of personal space, and there just aren’t any clear ground rules on what is appropriate or not. Am I some sort of germophobe or social freak for not wanting other people too close to me in public or am I entitled to keep my body brushing encounters to a restricted audience? Are there differences between what is appropriate between greeting men or women? For example, am I too formal if I shake hands with a bloke and too familiar if I kiss his cheek?
It’s all too confusing for me. I think I am more comfortable compensating with genuine smiles and warm conversation for the time being!
Julie Alexander is a former lawyer, stay at home mum, documentary producer and wannabe Alpha Wife.
Do you have issues with personal space? Are you a hugger or a kisser?
Comments
65 Comments so far
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Lol loved this article! My personal space bubble is getting smaller as I get older. I think I have been worn down by all the affectionate people I know. My family do not touch, ever. When I told my mum I was pregnant she had tears of joy but we didn’t hug she just patted my hand uncomfortably. Lol. It’s cool I know she cares, same with my sisters. My hubby’s family on the other hand are over the top with affection, it has taken me years not to flinch or cringe when they touch me.
I have also found that since becoming a mummy there is no such thing as personal space, everyone wants a piece of you all the time!
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I am also so into personal space. My main concern is at the beach. If I seek out a particular spot for my aura not to be invaded then don’t come and set up next to me. It is an enormous beach for christ sake!
As for hugging, never liked it until years ago when I moved to Byron Bay and had to endure the “Byron Hug”. It lasts slightly too long for my liking and the stroking is a little too intimate. I can be seen searching frantically with my eyes for a release tag from someone.
I have never kissed my Husband in public. Is that a little too cold hard bitch like?
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My partner’s stepsisters ex-husbands mother hugs me every time she sees me, it is awful, luckily I’ve only seen her 5 or 6 times, I don’t actually realise who it is until I’m being crushed into her breasts..
If I’ve never told you that I love you, chances are I don’t want you to touch me.
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Sing it, sister.
I have a large personal space and I like it that way. There was plenty of love in my family when I was growing up but we didn’t need to touch or cuddle each other all of the time to show it.
I really dislike strangers or workmates touching me. It’s caused conflict before now when ‘touchers’ get offended, even when I explain that it’s not about them, I’m just not touchy feely. Where do they get off being offended when I’m the one having my personal space invaded, that’s what I’d like to know.
And don’t get me started on public transport. You don’t need to come into contact with the person you’re sitting next to on the bus unless a) you’re good friends or b) you’ve spent the last 6 hours shagging. The young (ie younger than me) boy on the bus next to me this morning got out his laptop and started tap tap tapping away. At one point I wanted to say to him, “That thing your elbow keeps coming into contact with? That’s me.” but instead I shoved my bag in the way. He didn’t flinch.
Don’t kiss me, don’t hug me, don’t lean on me, don’t pat my shoulder. Unless we’ve spent the last six hours shagging, of course.
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I hear ya! I too have personal space issues. It frustrates me that this is then often interpreted as an intimacy issue or some related emotional issue (oh, she’s so ‘cold’). Not so.
I actually tend toward ‘over-sharing’ personal information (which, understandably, can also make people uncomfortable), but do I HAVE to hug you while I’m doing it? Do I HAVE to embrace you every time we meet to reassure you that you are my friend?
I come from a very close and loving family and we rarely hug each other. We don’t really see the point or feel the need to express ourselves in that way. A few ‘huggers’ I know have sometimes taken issue with this; and have been affronted when we have baulked at being hugged or kissed or have not responded to a situation with the ‘appropriate’ form of physical contact (apparently I should know what this is inherently). It is not a snub. I just don’t feel I am respecting your personal space if I charge on in and grab hold of you ‘willy nilly’.
And don’t even get me started on strangers invading my personal space in public…
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I’m quite happy to see there are other people out there who value their personal space as much as me!! Hate plane travel with a vengeance. I spend my whole trip leaning into my husband to avoid being touched by anyone else.
And I prefer a kiss (admittedly an air one) because it means less body contact than a hug.
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I am a keen, warm and enthusiastic hugger but an air kisser. Can’t stand being kissed, particularly on the mouth, (except by my husband and son) but endure it as some people close to me do it and I don’t want to hurt their feelings – I even volunteer kisses sometimes to show them extra love.
When I first moved to London, where many people kiss strangers hello, I actually had to train myself out of flinching.
I have a friend who when we first met 17 years ago was very uptight about being touched whereas I was extremely tactile (we’ve both mellowed into the middle in the ensuing years). She said to me one day ‘babe I love you but I can’t deal with all the hugging, it makes me want to heave’ so we made a deal – if I wanted to hug her, I was to poke her in the arm with one finger and look meaningfully at her and she’d consider herself hugged. Worked a treat and saved our friendship.
I was interested to notice that when I was pregnant, my personal space ‘bubble’ got dramatically smaller – I found being hugged barely tolerable even from close friends. It’s gone back to normal now though.
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Right there with you. Ick ick ICK! LOL
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Me too!
Hate hugging. (My sister and I have a ‘punch fist’ thing going on for our hello/goodbyes as a joke)
Can’t stand people touching my arms whether affectionately or not.
Don’t do small spaces like elevators well at all.
MUST have an aisle seat on the plane.
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Hilarious! Hugs to the poster for some Tuesday arvo fun…
I come from a family of non-huggers and am definitely a hugger. They don’t know what they’re missing. My husband came from a non-huggy family, so I’ve been training him up a bit
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I’m the other kind. The kiss you on the cheek/ mouth wherever. I hug,squeeze,squish,grope and pat all my friends. BUT i learned pretty well to read body language and when i come up against someone screaming personal space i tend to freak out and bow like a geisha. I hate it makes me crazy but there you go!
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I like my personal space. Aside from my partner, I find hugging others a little weird, particularly when they hold on. And when people actually make the effort to kiss you on the cheek (as opposed to touching their cheek to your and airkissing), I get a little grossed out.
Weirdly enough, I love sharing food and often forget a lot of people hate this!
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I am a hugger.
I will do it at any chance I get with close family and friends and multiple times in the space of the one day I am seeing them.
I am breaking down my boyfriend as he come from a very non-physical love family. So he is slowly getting used to me hugging him all the time and getting better at returning them!
Mum hugs are my favorite. I cant wait to have my own kid to do that with.
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I come from a European background and I am more a kiss on the check kind of girl than a hugger…..I think it might be because I am quite tall and really, I am bending down to most people to hug them and its awkward (but I write that and I realise that its the same as a kiss…weird lol). The issue is knowing what others are! My MIL is a hugger, FIL a kiss on each cheek. The amount of times I have gone in for the kiss and missed the MIL is laughable. Same as my fam – mum is one cheek kiss, nonna is two, dad either/or, aunts + uncles one or two. SO CONFUSING!
What I find a bit weird is how it seems all of a sudden (to me) people are suddenly cheek kissing? It’s ok if I haven’t met you or are only an acquaintance, you don’t need to kiss me as I find it a little strange! A smile hello is fine:)
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Cheek kissing seems to be the standard ‘hello’/'goodbye’ now. Even for people who’ve only just met.
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I have always thought the extra area lots of people like around themselves to be a consequence of all the space we have in Australia. If you have ever caught public transport in Asia for instance you experience other people up *real* close and personal – that’s something the travel guides don’t tell you about….
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Agreed! I just came back from Europe and I have never been more thankful of how much space we have in Australia. While it wasn’t peak season (god forbid!), I did manage to hit Boxing Day sales in London which delivered me a nice elbow to the face in Topshop.
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I like hugging, I don’t mind hugging. I’m never the initiator though. It just never occurs to me to hug someone unless they’re upset and need comforting. I mean, I’ll hug my boyfriend and dogs willingly and often. I hug my friends as a greeting when I first see them, but more out of obligation than anything else. I find it so tedious having to hug every single person in a social group when saying goodbye at the end of the evening. It’s impossible to leave gracefully when you have to hug 15 people first.
I suppose I just prefer hugging to be a spontaneous thing, rather than a social obligation. I hate it when it’s forced or awkward. I prefer cheek kisses with my male friends though, but all my male friends are massive huggers so I’ve become accustomed to it, and I always reciprocate once it’s initiated.
I’m with everyone else who hates being touched on public transport. It doesn’t help that I’m quite petite and small so people have always seemed to assume that I’m happy to be squashed against the wall. It’s like they think I need less personal space because I’m short and small. The same goes for standing in queues – I always find someone standing right behind me, breathing down my neck.
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I sneak out, always, I hate saying goodbye to everyone, it just bores me to tears – when I decide I want to leave, I want to leave NOW.
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I love my personal space! We have a guy at work who will sneak up and give you a bear hug from behind. Creeps me out!
Even with my bf I can’t be too close to his face. I’ll lay on his lap or his shoulder but if I can feel him breathing on me I freak out.
To me it’s a hygiene concern too. What if I get to close to someone and I have bad breath? Awkward!
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Easy. Wear high heels and tread on his foot when he gets you from behind.
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I love a warm, hearty hug and kiss from a beloved family member who is expressing their pleasure at seeing you – my mum gives amazeballs hugs every time I see her (twice a year, she lives in Perth, I live in Townsville) but I hate the faux affection of an air kiss and hug from someone you just met, so fake. Strangely, I’m ok with some strangers touching me on public transport but not others, it’s like people give off a vibe – if they’re not comfortable, I’m not either but if they are then I’m ok. Anyone else sense that vibe in strangers?
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Yep. And it’s easier if you both just give up when things are squishy on the bus or train and let your legs touch, rather than trying in vain not to and then occasionally brushing each other – that is far more awkward.
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My goodness, I could have written this post!
The only person in my life who us showered with affection without asking is the dog! Haha!
My MIL is a massive hugger who goes in for an extra squeeze at the end – I HATE it!
I’m newly pregnant and am terrified of the belly touching that’s possibly coming my way. Care to share some of the gymnastic moves I could try?!
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Oh my god, not just that tp endure love, my sisters in law took to KISSING me on the stomach. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww oh wrongtown. I jumped a mile the first time and had a very clear look of disgust on my face before I got a grip on myself but they still did it other times, always quite suddenly and giving me a terrible fright.
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I was a master at the ninja hand swipe when I was pregnant with my son. I am very at one with my personal space and most people I know well understand and respect it, but when you’re pregnant a lot of people just seem to take it as a given that they can rub your belly like your Buddha reincarnated. Sheesh, it’s my belly people.
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Sydney is growing evermore crowded and personal space is shrinking in the public domain. I hate the train ride in and out of work and the footpath (especially during summer) is so crowded now I often have no choice but to stroll behind others when all I want to do is bolt off to work!
I am very uncomfortable with sharing a seat on the train and the feeling of another’s hot skin next to mine! I do whatever I can to get away from touching someone else or having them breathe, cough or sneeze on me. Exaggerated sighs and yawns that smell like lunch or bad breath are the WORST!
I am over the kiss hello bullsh*t that has taken over my social group! Why do I have to throw everyone a kiss and a hug when I walk into the room? It takes a good 30mins to enter and leave a party. My fiancé calls it the ‘goodbye parade.’ We have taken to ‘smoke bombing’ (like escaping Ninjas) out of events to avoid saying farewell to anyone!
And, in an otherwise empty public (or work) restroom, having a person use the stall immediately beside me is the ultimate personal space invasion! Why that stall when there are so many others? And from what I can hear going on in there, it seems the woman next to me often needs privacy more than me!
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Oh god, i’m SO with you on the toilet one, recently at work I went to the stall furthest away from the door (there are four stalls) and someone else came in and literally sat in the stall next to me. I was like REALLY????
I think it’s kind of weird. Why pee so close to someone when you can have a nice little distance?
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Haha, me too! I SO know what you mean! We have 6 toilet stalls in our toilet at work, one would think that’s plenty to allow even 3 people enough space to pee, but no it never seems to work out that way. Surely there should be some sort of toilet protocol for this? Drives me nuts!!
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I’m so glad it’s not just me! They used to laugh at me at my old job for that. We had three toilets and if the two outside ones were occupied I would go away and come back rather than use the middle one.
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Ugh. Touching strangers. I get all huffy on the bus when someone’s sleeve brushes my arm. I actually shift in my seat and try to wriggle as close to the window as possible. So glad I’m not the only one!
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I love this article. I hate sitting on airplanes & I especially hate the armrests.
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I’m a hugger. Always have been, always will be but only with friends, people I like or folks who give off the “I really need a hug” vibe but with the latter – I’ll warn them but most seem to give in I think more out of surprise at how forward and presumptuous I’m being. My twin isn’t a hugger and when she does hug me or others, it’s that blokey non full frontal arm over the shoulder with a brief pat on the back type of “Well you’re forcing me to hug you so this is what you’re getting Lovena!”
I love hugs. Touch is a love language of mine and whether male or female, young or old I go in for the hug as a greeting, a farewell and sometimes (okay not just sometimes) midway through conversation as a way of telling them that I love them. And for a reserved group of about five women, we have super dooper embraces that have a dodgy nickname but they’re the best. Having said that though, there are two people that I love but for whatever reason, I just can’t hug them. I want to but something stops me. With one, I’ve hugged them most of my life but won’t anymore and with the other, I’ve hugged them twice only but they were special occasions.
Bollocks, I think I need a hug now! Mind you though, I don’t get air kisses or cheek kisses. A few of the older ladies I know always go in for the cheek kiss but I think that they’re going in for a hug so awkwardness always ensues. Meh! As for personal space, for whatever reason, if there are empty seats on the bus and someone plants themselves smack bam right next to me, it makes cross and I’m inwardly seething as I don’t understand why they didn’t fill up one of the empty double chairs! Don’t ask me why but ‘thems are the rules’ and it makes me cross.
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I grew up in a very demonstrative family so I am very touchy feely with my boyfriend and my parents and siblings. Slightly less so with close friends but still hug on arrival and departure etc.
But am not keen on strangers invading my personal space though. Especially people on the train. MOVE OVER.
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I used to not be very good with the whole hugging thing. Then I started dancing and everyone there seemed to be huggers. After awhile I realised it is because we dance together, we are regularly in physical contact and so therefore hugging lost is confrontational nature for me. Now I’m most definitely a hugger and am happier for it.
That said, I totally get why people find it uncomfortable to be that physically close and if there is an option, I will still definitely take the seat with a space away from other people in a waiting room etc.
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I wholeheartedly agree with you on the waiting room seats! Always leave a space in between.
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It’s funny, dancing can be so touchy feely that after a while, between familiar dancers, there is even more physical contact – little butt slaps, etc. You don’t even realise you’re doing it half the time; it just becomes second nature.
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In Judith Lucy’s book, she mentions she has ‘no touching unless we’re fucking’ policy with some of her friends. I’m ok with pecks on the cheek and handshakes, but hugs are just awkward.
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My family weren’t huggers at all, so I grew up never really hugging at all.
I like my personal space a LOT. I don’t deal well with people too close behind me in queues either, or too close on the bus, or who stand so close you can feel their spit when they talk to you. EWW!
However, as I have gone through relationships, I have come to like hugging. A lot. And I do hug friends, but usually only if they’ve made the first move at some point. I love to hug my furchild. And I’m sure I will give my children some day more hugs than I got as a child. Don’t get me wrong, my parents are wonderful, but we just weren’t a tactile family.
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I am a hugger. I THRIVE on hugs.
But I only hug people I like.
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Someone once told me (because I dreaded introductions that involved a hug or kiss), that if you put your hand out for a handshake, that this is quite acceptable. I HATE WITH A PASSION kisses of greeting and farewell from people you would normally not speak to 364 days of the year, but come Christmas ….. there they are … believing its ok to slap their DNA all over you…AND I’m not referring to just family that you haven’t seen … complete strangers feel the need to “cheek kiss” or “air kiss” … why? I think it’s disgusting to assume that a complete stranger would want you kissing or hugging them … and I know children dread it!
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I think the world would be improved if we could all hold up signs indicating the level of affection we expect and/or are comfortable with.
Some suggestions include:
Hug me
Give me an air-kiss
Give me an air-kiss with a hug
Kiss my cheek
Shake my hand
We’re not friends and
Don’t touch me
Not only do we have to worry about what to do and when, we all have to deal with everyone having differing levels of physical intimacy, and the possibility of offending if you get it wrong.
Can we all bow and curtsy? Seems safer. *does a little curtsy*
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Love it! But now I know you are a fellow hugger I will give you a big HUG instead!
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We need to come up with some visual clues – maybe some symbols – that we can wear on our clothes to prevent confusion:
– No hugging
– No hugging with same sex
– Hugging OK with approved huggers
– No kissing
– No lip kissing, cheek kissing OK
– No lip kissing or cheek kissing, air kissing OK
– Kissing OK with approved kissers
etc etc
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SNAP!
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My idea must have rubbed off on you during one of your hugs…
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I come from one of those familys where everyone hugs and kisses on arrival and departure. It never used to bother me but its starting to now. I don’t know why…?
Having said that, I hug my sons to bits – although the 16 year old resists often – as is his right – I still love it when he volunteers a hug – it makes my day!
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I hear ya! I have always been weird on personal space, I remember nearly losing my sh!t as a kid when mum’s feet would touch mine on the couch when we were watching TV.
I’ve had friends who are huggy hand-holdy types and I’ve probably offended them countless times with my freaking out and stiffening up while trying to act casual about it (meanwhile, unable to concentrate on anything else)! No, it’s not for me. I’m not a toucher (I’m strangely over affectionate with my boyfriend though, but ONLY him).
Geez, how UPTIGHT do I sound.
Like you, I am very emotionally open and a big talker – just not a toucher. Funny hey? I wonder if it’s something we’re born with or we learn via experience.
I was formula fed though, maybe that’s it (cue worm cans opening) ;P
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One additional point I think needs to be made to all the huggers: although I get uncomfortable, I never get “offended”. I realise it’s my own thing and the other person is only trying to be nice/show warmth.
Taking offense is a bit much if you ask me.
Ass-slapping, however…. offensive! Not that I know people that do this, I’m just illustrating where I think the line is.
Pregnant belly touching is border-line for me – I’m not yet sure how i’d feel about that one having never experienced it.
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Yes,
I think once a hug has been initiated, you should just go with it…it will be over quickly…no need to be rude…
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I think everyone should be able to set their own personal space/touching rules, and not have to feel guilty or conflicted over it.
I’m a hugger, but as I use a wheelchair, this can cause some logistical confusion and difficulty. I often get left out of welcome/goodbye hugs, relegated to watching everyone else’s greeting hugs.
However, this is strictly for friends and family, only. I hate being touched by strangers – *especially* those people who lean on my wheelchair wheels. My wheelchair is my personal space, too!
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Im ok with my kids but even hubbie gets the ok its been 2 secs off me now.
My MIL is a huge hugger and I try to enter her house as a group so she misses me lol
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First world problems much
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Yes, and your point being?
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This is not constructive at all. It’s a fun and interesting thing to discuss. We do happen to live in the first world, after all.
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Is it really just a first world problem? Isn’t touching/personal space a universally human issue?
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Ah, of course. Perhaps we should just talk about nothing, ever again out of some misplaced respect for those starving in the third world? It might, after all, be more useful than donating to their causes…
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Excellent comment. Sooo over the FWP comment on almost every post !
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Especially since it’s pretty FW to be looking at Mamamia at all, so who is the commenter to judge?!
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I love hugs and I am well-known for my hugging ability. I will give one to pretty much anyone, and have been known to turn a non-hugger into one, just like your friend, Julia!
But I have a dilemma when it comes to people with personal space issues, because I want to respect their need for space, but don’t know how to appropriately express my warmth at seeing them without a hug! It feels so odd not to hug or at least give a cheek-to-cheek greeting.
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Are you my girl twin? Yes, yes you are.
I can’t stand being touched. Never used to be that way. Was quite the hugger during primary school but I just can’t stand it now. Hugs bad. Sometimes Mia tries to stealth hug me and I acquiesce because I think it’s an employment condition.
But that’s it.
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Yes. I’m not a big hugger…which is an issue when Miss T is now one of my IRL friends and not only online… (She is a compulsive hugger…)
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Oh, I just knew MissT was a hugger!
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I WILL HUG YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL….
(I even hugged Rick. Oops)
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Julie, I sat reading this wondering if I had sleep written the article myself and submitted it under a different name! Then I saw your bio was “former lawyer” and I was like “oh darn that’s not me” haha. Great read!! I seriously hate kissing people hello and lean in for an air kiss or a cheek to cheek and I make the “mwa” noise to try and fool the recipient into thinking I’ve given them a kiss!