By ANONYMOUS
No one writes the book on who you should fall in love with. You can’t help the way you feel. I am engaged to be married to my cousin, my first cousin. Australia allows this.
You may be thinking it’s wrong, it’s disgusting and it’s against nature. I can assure you that I thought the same things when I first fell in love with him. It started off as a silly little teenage crush that I brushed off.
I was an adult when I realised I couldn’t hide it any longer. When I told him he was shocked, and admitted he felt the same way. We both agreed that was fine but we could never do anything about it. But we had to, we honestly loved each other immensely.
You may wonder how it felt the first time; it felt natural, it didn’t feel evil or wrong. We managed to hide it for a while, scared of how our parents would react. When we did eventually tell them, honestly, they didn’t care. We both have supportive parents (and Aunties I suppose!)
We have been together for six years now, and yes, we have a child.
Yes, people have made insulting remarks. This annoys me, they have no right to personally attack me. Others have put it politely that they do not agree with it, and I don’t mind that. People have a right to tell me how they feel, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We have family who do not support it, but they have haven’t stopped talking to us, they love us too much.
Before you judge me; think about how many well respected individuals have married their cousins. Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Jerry Lee Lewis, H.G Wells, Sir John A. McDonald, Samuel F.B Morse just to name some. Imagine how different the world would be if not for Einstein, Darwin or Morse.
Think about how many well respected individuals have married their cousins.
Most of the time I don’t even think about it, it’s not like I look at him and am reminded he is my cousin.
We work, we pay taxes, we are normal.
We don’t tell people we are cousins, but we are not ashamed of it. We live in a very small community, and with our daughter going off to school next year; we don’t want to suffer from it.
What will we tell her when she get’s older? The truth.
For now the truth can wait, she will have to wait till she is old enough to understand the possible implications of telling people. I don’t know how she will react, obviously.
Comments
144 Comments so far
I REALLY hope u read my question! I just wanted to know what country u live in if that’s alright, sounds like a much easier place to live as married cousins than here in NY.
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My wife and I were 1st cousins, we”ll be married 40 yrs this year.
Had 1 daughter, she was always 2 grades hear of her age in school.
If you are truly in love with each other go for it, and don’t look back! build your lives together, for who you are, not what people think you should be
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I think what your doing is fantastic! I had no clue that cousin marriage was legal in Australia we had been planning on moving somewhere where we knew it was legal! Now I guess we can get married in our home! It has never felt wrong for me either. We knew of each other all our lives but didn’t meet until I was 19 and he was 14.. We have been inseparable ever since and are now having a baby! I wish you so much luck for the future your story was inspiring and completely beautiful! S x
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well, we are on the same situation. and i think we are on the right track.
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u go girl!
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My friend didn’t know that she was with her second cousin until their wedding day.. Such a surprise, yet they stayed together
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im a filipino and were the same we are getting 5years now
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i was 12 i n 2005 Devon was 13 im black Italian cabin Indian black Devon is black and we met when i was 7 n he just turned 8 so his auntie Martha who was my foster mom and his grandma is my foster auntie we did not start dating till i was 12 n he was 13 so we wanted to make it afficle s i wanted till m foster mom ask me if i wanted to be adopted n i said yes now im 1 n Devon is 20 n we been dating 4 7yr should we get married
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I actually thought marrying your cousin was illegal. Googling that topic suggest it is illegal in some places – but not here in AU – so I learnt something – thanks.
To give the article credibility, rather than referring to coupled cousins, I would have identified healthy and intelligent children of coupled cousins…
I guess the concern for me would be inbreeding and the health and intelligence of the children.
Googling this topics suggests there is a lot of arguments in both directions.
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I know that marrying cousins has been done for a long time, but really, I find the idea a bit gross. I could never marry any of my cousins, it would feel way too incestuous. There’s also the genetic factor too- having a higher chance of passing on herieditary dieases to offspring
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Funny, I ran into an old school friend who married her first cousin today – must be the day for it! She was easily the most attractive girl in school, was smart, sporty and friendly too. She could’ve had the pick of just about any guy, and she chose her first cousin when on a trip the the UK to meet her Dad’s side of the family for the first time. I guess it is a case of ‘you love who you love’ in her sitch too.
I personally could not go there (had a male cuz crack onto me when I was 13 – I pretty much kneed him in the balls), but you have, its your business (and will eventually be your children’s), and there it goes. All the best to you and your family.
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As Jess explained below, it’s only a problem in small villages and towns where people are already closely related.
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What are there, about 7 BILLION people in the world?
And you have to marry someone who has the same grandparents as you?
Seriously?
P.S. When I started going out with my now husband, his aunty said to his mum ‘if it doesn’t work out with fifi-lulu, Melissa his cousin is keen’. Ewwww.
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My grandparents are either first or second cousins, not sure which infor is sketchy to say the least. It was and arranged marriage she was 13 he was 36, it was the late 30′s and Persia so perfectly acceptable. Interestingly or rather frighteningly a doctor friend of mine said at least once a month a baby was admitted to the children’s hospital that had been born to brother and sister and that my friends is much more of a concern for me. But I’m biased because I am what happens when cousins marry ha!
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This practice of marrying cousins is very common in many cultures and religions – including some Hindu and Muslim cultures. It’s an arranged marriage and an expected part of the culture. Not that I agree with it – but I’ve seen it done many times.
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Along with arranged marriages with cousins is the practice of underage girls being forced to marry. Just because it happens & has happened for generations does not make that practice right.
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Ummm I never said it was right. I don’t agree with it. But just saying its a common practice across the world. We just don’t have it commonly in our culture here in the west.
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My parents are first cousins. I have 2 siblings….. we are all normal. No ‘obvious’ genetic problems except we all have red hair! When my parents told me they were quite nervous- I had no problem with it and still don’t. I don’t hesitate to tell people if it ever comes up in conversation. We have all produced normal children. Not sure what all the fuss is about really.
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My brother-in-law’s parents are first cousins, & very very strict Catholics so I don’t know how they went back in those days! AND in a small town. But they had 5 healthy children who now all have healthy children themselves.
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Ewwwwww is all I can say.
I grew up with many male cousins and NEVER could imagine being in a relationship with any of them. It seems almost incestuous to me as would being with a sibling. And the genetic issues involved with children would be too risky to me.
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The genetic risk of having offspring of first cousins is small. The rate of abnormality is only slightly higher than the ordinary population.
However, it is a compounding issue. While there are likely to be no real genetic issues in the first first-cousin generation, the risk increases with each subsequent generation of first cousins. (ie first cousins have kids that have kids with their first cousins and so on).
I believe (and can’t quote a source here) that cousin marriage is more acceptable in areas with low physical and social mobility. ie. isolated towns, strict caste systems, etc. in a country like Australia you’ll find (anecdotally) that abhorrence for first cousin marriage is more pronounced in city areas and the further you travel from a major city the more acceptable and more likely a cousin marriage is. There is simply no one else to choose from!
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I’m interested in the concept of not being able to help who we fall in love with. I’m hugely practical (and not very romantic!), so my view has always been that we might not be able to help who we become attracted to, but we can control where we take it. I’d love to hear some thoughts/stories about that if anyone would like to share. Oh, and very best wishes to you, Anonymous author
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Geez, I would love to be a fly on the wall when your daughter has to do the i inevitable ‘family tree’ assignment at school!
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First of all, Jesse James and Jerry Lee Lewis are well-respected? How? Jerry Lee Lewis’s cousin was 13 when he married her (at 22) and it was a huge scandal at the time. It basically ruined his career. And Jesse James was an outlaw – a robber and a murderer. I don’t understand how anyone could describe either of these men as “well-respected”.
Marrying your 5th cousin does not seem to be at all comparable to marrying your 1st, so I’m not sure why FDR was included either. I don’t even know who my 5th cousins are. Your 5th cousins would share your great-great-great-great grandparents, so that’s going really far back! Not exactly the same as marrying someone who you probably sat next to at the kids’ table at family weddings growing up.
As far as personal experiences go, my dad’s cousin is married to his first cousin. I’ve always thought it was super-weird. I am very close to my male cousins – they’re the closest thing I have to brothers. So yeah…I can’t really get past this and I’m not going to try. I wouldn’t be cruel to a couple in this situation or any children they had but privately, I would think the couple were very strange indeed.
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I totally agree with u!
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I feel for you and I bet you are both wonderful parents. I hope you have many years of happiness. No-one’s business but yours.
However all these love is love comments, what about if it was a brother and sister or uncle and niece? Would you be saying, oh it’s just love then?
I’m not trying to start trouble, I just want to know to what extent does this argument extend for people?
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Did you know that it is only illegal to marry your cousins on your mother’s side of the family, because you are more likely to share the same DNA treats as they are compared to cousins on your father’s side, so there is a lower risk of complications happening if they were to have babies
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Sorry Annelyce, that’s not quite right. The Marriage Act 1961 says that a marriage will be void if it involves a ‘prohibited relationship’. These are relationships between brothers and sisters or direct descendants (eg children and parents). The law doesn’t make a distinction between mother’s or father’s side of the family.
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I believe that love is love no matter what (provided that it is between two consenting adults). Not everyone is lucky enough to find someone they love and who loves them back. If you find that person, then go for it.
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What if you fall in love with your brother?
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… one or both parties is already married, with children ? Is that OK ?
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If one or both parties was already married that would imply that they had found someone who loves them and who loves them back. Otherwise they should not have got married in the first place, so it is kind of a moot point.
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You love who you love and it’s nobody’s business when two adults consent.
I honestly can’t believe people who think they have the right to tell people what to do.
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This comment unnerves me a little, but only because a father and daughter can be two consenting adults. Cousins? Yeah cool, love is love, but I have absolutely no tolerance for a father/daughter or mother/son relationship. Your role is not a lover, it should never extend to one, it’s one of caring and protection and that’s what it should be. I’m afraid I can’t be converted to the simplicity of ‘love is love’.
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My brother in law’s mother & father were first cousins. All 3 of their children were as robustly healthy, emotionally, physically and mentally as the next robustly health person.
His mother has always been very happy with the choice she made, to the point of preparing to do battle if she (mistakenly) got the whiff of an objection towards it.
Her telling is that she knew as soon as she met her cousin as kids that they would marry and she would retain the same surname.
It was strange to me that given her ‘I don’t give an f what society thinks’ choice she made, why she was so damning when she chastised me for not being remarried in my (then) late 30′s and not producing any kids as yet. The word directed towards me was ‘selfish’ to hold off having children until I found the right person.
And she also admonished older parents, which given my parents were in their 40′s when I came along, was pretty inflammatory.
I guess it shows that whilst an individual may make a ‘controversial’ choice themselves in their lives, it doesn’t affect their own personal empathy, and they can be just as judgmental of others who make choices they don’t agree with personally.
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Good for you!
I support your choice and my question is just out of sheer curiosity… doesn’t breeding ‘in the family’ cause birth deformities?
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In terms of increased risk of the passing of genetic disorders, the rate is comparable to women having children over the age of 40.
If you’re interested, a good place to learning more is simply “Cousin Marriage” in Wikipedia – some well-referenced links to other good articles can be found therein
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Sorry that was me
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I had a post here but it seems to have been lost in the ether. Oh well.
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Cultural Norms! I’m from the East and it is very normal to marry cousins. In fact Male cousins have the right to ask the aunts/uncles to marry their daughter before anyone else. It is considered that she would be in better hands than a stranger. Come on! The fact that you are not used to the idea of married cousins doesn’t make it a bad thing…
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Not everybody who gets married wants to have kids. So, an objection to first cousins marrying on the grounds that the risk of genetic abnormalities in offspring is increased is not a valid argument – surely these naysayers wouldn’t mind if two cousins wed but did not reproduce?
So really, it seems that the point is that a man and a woman shouldn’t have a child together if their respective genes increase their chances of a hereditary trait being passed down……What kind of a world would that be to live in? Where one should only breed with people of a certain genetic make-up. That is eugenics for sure….
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Can we please stop making a connection between marrying your cousin and same sex marriage?
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Why, may I ask? Do you think one should be permitted but not the other? If so, why?
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It’s just an entirely different issue.
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Can you elaborate please?
To me, both issues have the common theme: that society – either through cultural expectations or the law – are trying to dictate to whom an individual may or may not marry.
I don’t see how they’re entirely different at all.
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It’s highly offensive to gay people.
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It’s not…a connection, it’s just the observation that marrying one’s cousin is totally fine in the eyes of the law, but marrying someone of the same sex isn’t. Which for a lot of people, is not okay. In fact, the illegal one is fine and normal and the legal one is the opposite.
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10% of marriages world-wide are between first or second cousins (New York Times Nov 09). That says that to most people, it is fine and normal.
Why do (some) Australians think it’s wrong? No harm is being done.
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People do it around the world every day. No drama.
For me though, as much as I love my slightly nutty family, I think that is a gene pool that should be watered down, not amplified. Holy cow, I can’t imagine the talking if I had married one of my cousins instead of my lovely introverted, quiet husband.
In fact, I’ll go so far as to say I didn’t even want to marry someone born and bred in Adelaide…I really wanted to dilute that gene pool lol.
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The Queen is married to her first cousin, right? That’s what I always thought. I can’t see a problem with it if the current head of the commonwealth is fine with it!
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Queen Victoria married her first cousin it was much more common back then) but he current Queen is absolutely not married to any relative.
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Prince Philip and the Queen are third cousins, they’re both the great grandchildren of Queen Victoria.
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Prince Philip & the Queen are related, but not as closely as first cousins.
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It was especially more common amongst the royals around the world. They’re notorious for it!
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Isn’t that why haemophilia was so widespread amongst the royals for a while?! All that inbreeding not so good for the genes after all!
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My uncle and aunty are first cousins (my Dad’s sister). I have also recently found out that my uncle’s parents were also first cousins. My cousin, my uncle and aunty’s child, is in her early 30′s. She is funny, smart, out-going and has absolutely no genetic abnormalities. All of them are wonderful people and I say good luck to you Anonymous writer. I have never had a problem with my aunty and uncle being cousins. My husband was a bit shocked when he first found out but that has since faded as he has gotten to know the PEOPLE.
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I think people’s reactions to this will differ a lot based on their relationships with their own cousins.
Some cousins are brought up together and form a very close part of the family, almost like siblings. Other cousins see each other only at Christmas, or even less frequently than that.
I personally have almost no relationship with any of my cousins, they’re virtual strangers and I even have some I’ve never met. As a result the idea of marrying a cousin is not as abhorrent to me as it probably is for some.
I think being careful about testing for known genetic disorders within a family is sensible if cousins choose to procreate… but it’s also sensible for anyone with the possibility of such a disorder to do so, regardless of who their partner is.
In summary, I admit I wouldn’t do it myself but I don’t really have a problem with it for others… I do find the idea of my future children marrying my brother’s future children a little unsettling but again, that’s my personal family set up and everyone’s will be different.
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Well it would make the whole ‘which family do we do Christmas with?’ thing a lot easier. However if things hadn’t worked out for you ( happy they did by the way) it would have been very awkward at family functions.
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It would certainly save you the trouble of new and evil in laws!!
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I have a faulty gene for a serious metabolic disorder. I never knew I was a carrier until we had affected children, as my husband is also a carrier. We are not related. Had I married a non carrier, I would never have had affected children. The fact that my husband was also a carrier is a 1 in 500,000 chance. Had I married a relative who is very likely to also be a carrier, the probability of passing this serious disorder to my kids would be extremely high.
Carriers of recessive disorders don’t necessarily know they are carriers until they breed with another carrier. With the best of intentions, you are significantly increasing the risk of health problems in your kids if you breed with someone very likely to have similar genetic faults.
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Who cares? So what?
Even if a child was 100% GUARANTEED to inherit a disorder is no reason for us to say certain people can’t breed.
While I have a problem with incest when it is between people with differing levels of power (mostly seen with a significant age difference), I don’t think it is anyone’s business if people love/marry whoever they like.
I am so glad to see this article here
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Stop saying breed….seriously who says come breed with me
ewwww
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‘Hey, wanna breed?’ was a pickup line used on me years ago. I declined the offer.
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It’s 2 consenting adults. How is this different to accepting gay marriage? “creepy” “wrong” “against nature” – all criticisms directed at same sex marriage.
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One evening, I joined friends for a night out. That night I met a lovely man, who I was instantly attracted to. We exchanged numbers and began a relationship. We had been together for three months when we discovered we are infact third cousins. We did not have a supportive family, and made the difficult decision to stop seeing each other. Two years on, it still hurts. Bravo for being braver than we were.
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Could you explain to me what third cousins are? I think I understand ‘second cousin’ – that’s your cousin’s child, right? – but I’m a bit hazy on the others.
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I thought a second cousin is the child of your parent’s cousin? In which case, third cousin is probably the grandchild of your grandparent’s sousin.
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Nevermind. God bless Wikipedia!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin
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Actually picardie.girl your cousins child is your first cousin once removed. If you have children and your cousin also has chilren, those kids are second cousins to each other. Then if both of those lots of chilren grow up and have children, the resulting offspring are third cousins. The cousin relationship is generational..
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Wow. I would’ve thought third cousins would be far enough apart for your family to be, if not supportive, then at least accepting.
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There a millions of people who do this on a daily basis – for many cultures in the world this is normal….been married twice – both cousins – one arranged, one by choice – still happily married 16 years later..
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You fell in love. You are both consenting adults. Biologically there is nothing wrng with it. What’s the problem?
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It is a little dodgy genetically.
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There are a great many people here telling stories of people they know, first cousins marrying, all with children, and noting that there is absolutely nothing wrong with any of them. So I dispute this.
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How can love ever be wrong between consenting adults?!? Cousins, gay marriage- if you don’t believe in it, well then don’t do it. Each to their own I say! More love, less hate!! x
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So you think incest is ok between two consenting adults? What about an 18 year old girl and her 40 year old father? Bit of a flawed argument.
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The relationship between a parent and child is much more complex than that between cousins. A child (in my opinion, and no matter what age) can never really consent (in a psychologically sound manner) to a sexual relationship with a parent, because a parent will always hold psychological power over the child.
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Against my own prejudices, I think incest between two consenting adults should be permissible, as a matter of logic. I’ve read a bit about this over the years. I’ve heard of a brother and sister getting together. As others have said here, if two people fall in love, so be it. The problems arise only if they then choose to reproduce together, or if they wish to get married, both of which come with real risks, societal taboos or legal problems. But as a private matter, two consenting adults who happen to be brother and sister, or other blood relations, and who fall in love, do no harm to the rest of the world. If they were to move to another country, told no one, and did not choose to have children, who would know, who would care, and who would it affect?
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I once fell in love with a married guy. We are both consenting adults. I walked away. You may not be able to help who you fall in love with but you sure can control the feelings you choose to act on, being adults and all.
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Where I come from, its kinda normal to marry your first cousins. cousins are usually expected to marry each other.
So, imagine my surprise when.I got here the and its such a taboo. The west, admittedly liberal, is too quick and too harsh to judge when someone does something thewy don’t like
I’m not into my cousins, nor am I set to marry one. But honestly, you fall in love with who you fall in love with. I don’t see why IRS anyone else’s business.
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My parents are cousins (first cousins) and thankfully my brother and I don’t suffer from any genetic abnormalities.
I don’t have a problem with them being cousins, but personally, I would never marry my own cousins. I’ve made that very clear to my parents.
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Marrying your first cousin in Australia IS against the law. It’s also creepy, and does greatly increase the risk of genetic defect in your children. Why would you even want to risk that?
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No, it is not illegal. Because we have been socialised to think it is wrong, people automatically assume it is illegal. The only illegal relationships involving relatives is between siblings or with ones parents, not sure if a relationship with an uncle, aunt or grandparent is illegal (but I would say that it would definitely be immoral, even if the neice or nephew was an adult).
I actually read an article about this in either cosmo or cleo a few years ago. I thought it was gross, but as I have matured, I can see how we are lead to think that things are wrong by society and how these societies and the peole in them evolve.
In regards to the disabilities that may occur in the children, maybe it has nothing to do with the fact that the poeple are related and more to do with the fact that whichever parent was related passed on defective genes.
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“has nothing to do with the fact that the poeple are related and more to do with the fact that whichever parent was related passed on defective genes”
Uh, if parents are related to each other that increases the chance of passing on a genetic abnormality which exists – because both parents share the same genes.
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Exactly. People think it’s just the mixing of two relatives that “causes” genetic defects. No, it just heightens the risk that if one parent has a defect on a particular gene, marrying a relative who has the same defect will mean the defect will carry over. If you have a child with someone without the defect on that particular gene, then the “good” gene will likely be dominant.
First cousins share 12.5% of their genetic makeup. Generally 25% or higher is considered risky, which is where the line is drawn for legality… so siblings, half-siblings, parents, grandparents, children.
It is not illegal to marry a first cousin in Australia.
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It’s not just socialisation. Reasearch show that people with similar genotypes attractive, EXCEPT where genes related to immunity were concerned.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/01/6/l_016_08.html
1st cousins are much more likely to have the same MHC (immunity) genes and will often be unattractive on a biological, not social, basis.
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Kathy it is not illegal and it also does not greatly increase the risk of genetic defect in children, in fact the likelihood of genetic disorder is only slightly higher than in children of unrelated partners. Perhaps you should have done some research on the matter before making such a hurtful remark.
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it’s only illegal to marry a descendent or an ancestor – so you can’t marry your child, grandchild, parent, or grandparent, but uncles, aunts and cousins (even first cousins) are fine. It even clarifies ‘this means that it is legal to marry a first cousin’. This is from the information you get when you fill out your notice of intended marriage form.
It stuck out to me because the next paragraph says ‘It is illegal for members of the same sex to marry’. seems like the whole document needs a review!
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I worked with someone who had married her first cousin, so not illegal.
I believe that while cousins marrying and having kids occasionally is not problematic, if it is traditional the risk of passing on a number of diseases caused by recessive genes will increase with the shrinking/concentration of the gene pool. Also conditions like asthma, diabetes, poor vision etc have a strong familial tendency.
I don’t believe in eugenics, but I don’t believe there is a problem with trying to avoid some disorders.
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Afraid not! You can marry your first cousin, niece/nephew, aunt/uncle!
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It IS actually against the law to marry your 1st cousin in Australia. It’s just creepy. Not far from marrying your brother.
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Actually, it is only against the law in Australia to marry your descendent or ascendent.. Or someone of the same sex! Definitely legal to marry a cousin, if not a little unusual..
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No, it’s not actually. I recently got married and our celebrant talked this through with us. It’s only illegal to marry your brother or sister, father or mother.
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So – is it legal for a woman to marry her nephew – or a man his niece? Serious question, not being snarky.
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Yes.
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Also illegal for grandparent/grandchild. Seriously though, would that ever come up? Eww!
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I’m just wondering how it would be possible to keep it from the child? Wouldn’t Christmas lunch give it away?
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Didn’t Australian actress Greta Scacchi marry her cousin? I think she did.
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I don’t think she married him, but they have a daughter
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They have a son and are still together. Her daughter is to Vincent D’Onofrio.
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