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Of course I would never have to worry about this because I am like the Virgin Mary and pure as the driven snow. It’s true, some even call me angelic. But if I was to have a ‘gentleman caller’, what is it in Man Pit that would cause me embarrassment? This is what I am thinking about today. And sadly not because there is any action on the horizon, more just about being a good boy scout.
If you had a 15min window before a new ‘special friend’ entered your home for some ‘adult cuddles’ what are the things that you would run around and hide? As I’m sure many of you would know, some of the best relationships can come out of a one-night-stand. You should always put your best foot forward on night one just in case. Here are the things I would make sure they never see if ever my morals lapsed.
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Jackie Collins books
I went through a serious Jackie Collins phase in my late teens, in fact it was Jackie who taught me about sex. And drugs. And Hollywood. She has huge sentimental value for me. Subsequently I still have a few of her more infamous titles on my otherwise esteemed bookshelf. Not sure what others would make of them…
My hair bands
My gorgeous long flowing locks are obvious to anyone. But what I’d like to hide is that my guilty pleasure when I am at home alone is to wear a fetching head band. Not very butch I know but it makes me feel very glamorous on couch-nights.
R M Williams boots
Not that I’m embarrassed by them but to try and explain how a boy from the bush and a wearer of R M Williams boots comes to be ‘seducing’ a manly man is terribly unromantic. It’s just best to avoid the telling of that story
R M Williams boots
Medicine cabinet
I’m a pill-popper. There is no ailment I can’t cure with a few pills from my overstocked medicine cabinet. Any gentleman caller could momentarily think I’ve brought them home to St Vincents Hospital if they caught a glimpse of my medicine cabinet. Only drug I’m missing is Viagra which would probably be the one they are looking for.
Scarves
And when I say scarf think Jackie Onassis. Like the square, soft, feminine ‘sailing in the Mediterranean’ type scarf. It’s a recent thing. I love them, buy them, but can never find an occasion to wear them. Also, I now question if it’s ever appropriate for a man to wear such a scarf.
Ashtray
It’s full. And disgusting. Even though I’m currently describing myself as a non-smoker. Surely a non-smoker is anything less than 20 a day??? No one likes a liar or a smoker.
Collection of recycling bags
Some may call it a fetish, whereas I call it environmentally friendly. Every time I go to the supermarket I buy another 1+ of those gorgeous green bags. I now have a whole shelf full. I should really learn to recycle my environmentally friendly shopping bags. Just plain weirdo.
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Yoga dvd
Now this would just be false advertising. I did yoga for exactly two weeks and still giggled every time they asked me to do a downward-dog. I have absolutely no idea where this dvd came from even. Its never left its case. If they thought they were potentially up for some yoga moves from me they’d be sadly disappointed. Lucky to touch my toes.
More dog food than human food
Not sure why any one-night-stand would be in my pantry but I’m sure if they took a look they’d be mightily concerned. I have more dog food and snacks than I do human. I make no secret that I take better care of Little Sammy than I do of myself and there is no better demonstration of this than a quick glimpse in my pantry. Let me be clear… I don’t eat dog food.
Rotted teeth
I’m a hoarder. Sad but true. I also have a box of particularly precious items. I have some extracted teeth in there. Say no more.
Puffer vest
Please god, no one tell Mrs Woog! My puffer vest is the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my wardrobe, but exemplary of the issues it could cause me. I just can’t be sexy 24/7, 52 weeks a year.
Ok, now I realize if that I was to have a one-night-stand I would need far longer than 15mins to clean up Man Pit. “Just wait in the hallway will you love, be back in 30.”
Now, most importantly, what is it that you would hide??? I’m aching to know!
Steven Murphy is the Communications Manager with a television production company. His great passions are television, pop culture and all forms of social media. He openly admits he has a Twitter addiction and has recently started to blog to share more than 140 characters.
Comments
66 Comments so far
I found myself here directed from a reference in one of Rick’s posts. This article is brilliant. I don’t have rotted teeth in storage but I do have the small remains of my daughter’s umbilical cord when it popped out at 2 weeks old to make way for her bellybutton. I don’t know why but I can’t throw it out… its the last piece of the physical bond of pregnancy we shared. I don’t know what to do with it… I can’t throw it in the bin!!
I also have about 20 “green” bags although admittedly half of these are now pink or purple since they decided to do a rainbow of colours. I have a medicine cabinet to rival yours, my boyfriend wears RM’s every day and my dear neighbour reads Jackie Collins and is actually quite a sane and functional woman. I have enough scarves to tie them together and stretch it across Australia. I have an unopened yoga DVD which my uncle gave to me in 2007.
As for the ashtray, I was a heavy smoker until I recently discovered electronic cigarettes. I’ve never been back to the analogs since. I’m still surprised about this.
Love your post, more to come I hope?!
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It’s been many, many..many years since the one night stands but I was usually too drunk to care about hiding anything. However, in the morning I would usually wish I could hide myself!
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After the last time I brought a man home I wished, too late, that I’d thought to hide my foot odour spray. Also the usually unused side of the bed is full of books but luckily right then I wasn’t reading anything too embarrassing.
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my mom (u know how they are never stop telling you what to do)
told me i should keep my dishes and kitchen cleaned up so when company came they wouldnt see them/
i told her mom nobody has ever come to visit me
gotta love em time take them away all to soon. a friend of my parents gave me some pictures of my mom and dad in the time period before i was a gleen in anyones eyes. i took a look and wondered why a woman as pretty as my mom would ever have got maried to someone like my dad
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My collection of self help books on my bedside table……
Enough said x
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I always worry about the state of my kitchen. God knows why, it’s not like we’ll be spending a great deal of time in there anyway…
Or will we
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Bahaha – i always hide my hideous The Hills collection of dvd’s.
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I would have to hide my owl collection, they can be a bit creepy when you have all these eyes looking at you.
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Nina doesn’t hide hers from Offspring lol…
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In the days when I did have gentlemen callers, my biggest thing was to hide my kids toys. There are some things some people don’t need to know or at the very least, not having some things shoved in their face.
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ZOMG, We may have been separated at birth, Stephen, except for the RM Williams (I wear Docs steel caps, and am owned by a cat instead of a dog). Thankfully I don’t have to worry about hiding my “quirkiness” from gentlemen callers anymore.
I have advice re the shopping bags – hide them in your boot, and you won’t need to buy more next time you go shopping
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LOL if youre going to shag the guy, why hide anything?! You cant hide morning breath, snores or farts. (Of course, these things *never* happen to you!)
Best response so far is hiding car keys, purse and phone! If the guy cares about dirty coffee cups then whats he going to think about seeing your dirty knickers on the floor in the morning? Maybe if you keep dirty cups around you’d better keep that phone handy to call the paramedics for when he passes out at the sight of your outrageous lack of OCD.
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My secret hoard of chocolate!
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I ended up back at a guys house one night & upon entering his room was faced with numerous posters of scantily clad & fully naked ladies….. but get this – they were all personally signed to him ie: ‘Dear X, Love from Kitty’….. WTF??? Turns out his ex was Miss Erotic Australia (who knew there was even a title?) He seemed nice enough but he wasn’t getting anywhere with those hanging up ; )
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Holy moly!!
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Haha that’s a bit freaky I have to admit…
Miss Erotic eh? I wonder what you have to do to win that title!!
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I know! I knew whatever moves I pulled wouldn’t compete ; )
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Did he live in coodgee? I think we might have dated the same guy?!?
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I think I’d have to hide my huge collection of children’s books …. Far to hard to have the I’m a teacher not a mother talk sometimes
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I once had to tell a “gentleman caller” to stay out of my kitchen so we could remain friends. In other words i ran a fetched water, wine and everything else for the rest of the evening. Sometimes if have been busy there is a huge overflow of clothes neither clean nor dirty. The upside is i can cram all that into the laundry basket.
Almost forgot i once had a guy over (not a one night stand but someone i was actively dating) anyway while i was organising snack and wine he was perusing my book shelves. Now i read a great deal and my interest are many and varied. At this time though i read mostly biographies, literature and historical stuff. There was also a fair whack of feminist literature but not militant just regular. he then asked if i had read all of the books. I told him of course and that some of it was for my final paper at uni. Anyway after a lovely evening together i never heard from him again. Well i heard from him he told me that i wasn’t the person he thought he was going out with. My friends said it was because i am a dancer and not supposed to be intelligent at all. I’ll never know but i always worry when men look at my books. I try to distract them in other ways
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Don’t distract them, if you want someone for keeps they should love it that you read intelligent stuff!
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Aww bless you but at my age that man doesn’t exist. Here’s hoping though
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Well maybe you should try the ladies then!
(PS I am sure there really are some lovely older(?) guys out there who are interested in women with a brain!)
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Ha tried it not my thing. Older? OLDER??? hmmm well i guess i didn’t tell you so i will have to take that hit to the ego
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You said “at my age” so I’m trying to guess what you mean!
Just clicked on your photo, (if it is you), hmmm you don’t seem to be old enough to be saying “at my age”. I am confused!
Still, I’m 27 and I must say if I wasn’t coupled up I wouldn’t have a thing against going for an ‘older’(?!) guy!!
Think Clooney but more settled and a love of smart ladies (oh maybe that ladies shouldn’t be plural!). xx
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Sorry Joey the photo is me and i’m 10 yrs older than you. Apologies for confusion x
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=)
Oops I just remembered I am 28, I had my birthday in July. Old timers disease coming on early for me!
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My 3 teddy bears that live on my bed….one nurse bear, one scrubs bear (EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT BEAR!) and the teddy bear I was given the day I was born. Cannot part with them. Maybe my graduation certificate/registration certificate (feel somewhat egotistical having them out), medications and I’d probably tidy up my filing system as at current it seems to be vomiting its contents all over my desk!
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My boyfriend still hasn’t met the teddy bear I’ve had since I was eight after almost 18 months because I hide him when he comes over. Otherwise Bix (bear not boyfriend) gets prime positioning on my bed.
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LOL @Brat. As soon as we started going out I revealed my darling Bear Bear to my boyfriend. He took it quite well considering I also admitted I still believe she has feelings and that he has to be gentle with her.
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Hahaha Ella! I think everyone hides their teddy bears. I keep mine in my suitcase but they come out whenever I go away for work and sometimes I forget to put them back
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Steven you are a man to my own heart with the Jackie Collins books – o own practically all of them, and they are on my book shelf for all to see.
What i would hide and still hide from my husband of 10 years are my Briget Jones undies. (They are so ugly but by gee they work!!)
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My house is tidy so no problems with guests coming, but the 3 kids and husband would probably put them off !
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Damn you stole my joke!
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No one should ever hide Jackie Collins books. Mine are displayed proudly. Next to my slowly-growing Joan Collins collection.
Such fierce women.
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Apart from having a gusband and children…
I think I have to hide far more from family visitors than I would one nighters. At least one assumes common interests with the invited love interest, family – well, I like to tone things down for them
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The one and only time I had someone over (I live at home, so rather just not have to explain to my mum why there are random men in my bedroom or have to do introductions), I didn’t hide anything. In the 15-minutes lead up to I lit a scented candle, turned on the heater (winter) and put on a nice playlist.
He never came back. Maybe I should’ve tried harder. HAHA.
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Just love it, Last visitor I had was less than thrilled with the three dogs on the bed, let alone the cranky old cattle dog under it. The final straw the rampaging kangaroo who got in at 4 in the morning and tried to fight off mummys atacker, laughed till i cried…….and yes i live in the bush.
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LOL. Thank goodness you live in the bush, otherwise the kangaroo is just kinky…
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Hm, for a one night stand I’d have to hide the husband and children!
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Ummm…. My husband? Lol
I’m pretty Wysiwyg – what you see is what you get. No hiding for me. My house is clean enough for my kind of company year round, but you might need to clear a trail through the kids toys, they can explode onto the floor at a moments notice!
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I once had someone come to ‘visit’ and mentioned I may have been domestically challenged. His response? ‘I’ll come in blindfolded’
Win!!
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That could so easily be code for wearing a condom….
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I feel like I’m the odd one out here: I wouldn’t hide a thing. Everything in my room kind of reveals a bit about myself and I’m not really embarrased about any of it…
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I’m with Jessica – as long as my house is tidy which for the most part it is I have nothing to hide. I like who I am and my stuff is just a reflection of my personality
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A bit off topic, but I have been meaning to ask for ages – where does the Mamamia team find the amazing pics that go with the title of the article? They are amazing – and often crack me up.
By the way, I lurve a good puffer vest. Nothing to hide there.
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I am typing this comment while sitting on my bed. My fox terrior is asleep on the bed, snoring. There is a pile of clothes on the floor (I think they are actually clean clothes), my wishboard sits in the corner with the following items stuck to it: a picture of Lords cricket ground, a picture of a nice kitchen, and a condom. On my bedside table is a tube of “Dry Cracked Heel Relief” (hey – I live in the bush). If I was ever to be lucky enough to score myself a one night stand out here, there would be far too much to hide, the dog would most probably bite me if I tried to remove her from the bed, thus it would be much easier to just move the party to outside underneath a tree. At least it would give the townfolk something to chat about for the next few days…
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I would have to hide my seriously large collection of self-help books. How to Improve Your Self-Esteem etc- not really a good look is it. Although, I guess I could leave out How to Be a Sex Goddess and 1001 Ways to Drive Your Lover Wild
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Oooh where can I get those books?!
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I would have to go to a hotel. My apartment is a mess.
It I HAD to take him home, my number one thing to hide would be my big plastic dental brace that I have to put on my teeth every night to prevent myself from grinding. Even my (very cute) dentist teased me about how ‘attractive and romantic it is’. Its YUCK!
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I have one of those too! My bf is very nice about it most of the time
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Oh yeah, my boyfriend. I’d have to hide him too!
He is nice about my splint thingy too (yey), even when I am a dick and make chompy dinosaur noises with them.
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I once had a one night stand with a guy who had a blankie – he hid it from me (didnt do a good job) and it was an old blankie that reeked!
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Oh my. Was this why it was just the one night? Certainly would’ve been enough to make me run before we even got that far! Eeeks…
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old days now but for the room only had to worry about how messy it was, but as for the body, that would be wishing I didn’t have old undies on (as in falling apart, not too many days usage) and hairy legs, eeeech
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Yep, yep, yep – I also have some books that would easily classify as “trashy chick-lit” that could be potential passion killers. My husband refuses to listen to my music when we are relaxing at home. He can’t understand the attraction of what I euphemistically call “retro-music”…OK, 80′s boyband music…and maybe some silly, soppy songs…and some angry girl music from the 90′s…(oh dear, all going in the cupboard)
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NOTHING! He’s there for some top lovin not an apartment inspection!
And if by chance it turns into more than a one night stand well, do you want to hide those things forever??
NO! Be proud of the little things that make you special!
OMG I’ve turned into Oprah….
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Speaking of which I would have to hide my Oprah box set!
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Thank god I’m in a stable long-term relationship. But if I wasn’t, I’d probably be hiding my Star Trek encyclopaedia (depending on who it was – since geeks are usually the only people that enter my home, it’s usually not a problem!). Having said that – if I was hiding my geekdom – I’d need about an hour to clear out my shelves of Sci-Fi DVDs, signed posters and memorabilia. And since I don’t like cleaning, I have decided to be myself instead.
And only hide the Twilight books.
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I once called a housemate to strip my bed before I brought someone home… I had a Hannah Montana doona cover on!!!
Shameful, yes.
But I just can’t go past Best of Both Worlds!!
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I’m 23 by the way… I think this makes it worse…
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Wait, how, what? LOL. No judgement, just very curious.
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I have two pet bunny rabbits that live in my room, as since I have them I have moved into a share house with cats. They used to not share my bedroom with me!
Now if I happen to have a visitor to my room I make sure they are covered up with a sheet and a huge towel, which I’ll try to do before I leave the house if I know there’s a chance but sometimes you unexpectedably bring someone home where I have been known to make them wait outside in the lounge room while I ‘fix’ my room – cover the bunny rabbits.
Needless to say I am sure to find out if they are an animal lover before I even know their name.
And I’m afraid I’m getting a reputation as ‘that crazy bunny lady’ as I also have a bunny calendar in my room and they are named Buffy and Angel to go along with my full collection of Buffy and Angel DVDs… hmm…
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My dogs are called Buffy and Spike — together at last…
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Hey – hey. Bunnies are awesome, not enough people realise this. But yes I too am plagued by the thought of one day being the crazy bunny lady…thankfully my boyfriend understands that he will have to put up with little fluff balls flying around the house if he wants to stick around!
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It’s sad to say, but I have to say my wallet, car keys and phone. And then any indication that I’m irresponsible at cleaning, so all the cups (and anything else that gets in the way) get casually breezed into the dishwasher.
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