David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell
By LUCY ORMONDE
Everyone cheats.
Someone said this to me a few weeks ago and I have to admit the statement left me feeling frankly, a little bit sick.
At 25, it’s always been my belief that it’s only the jerks who cheat.
So have I been wrong this whole time as some people would have me believe? They say it’s not only the jerks who cheat. It’s anyone with a penis. And apparently, I’ve been naive to think otherwise.
We were talking about the cheating scandal that’s rocking the US right now; that of former CIA director David Petraeus, who resigned from his position after the FBI exposed the extramarital affair he’d been having with his biographer.
In the time since Petraeus’ infidelities were exposed, there have been countless articles written about the reasons men cheat – particularly why powerful men cheat. There’s loneliness. Stress. Opportunity. The adrenalin rush. The “it’s just sex” justification or, better still, the “he’s just a man” defense. And then (drum roll, please) there’s the question of whether men are just incapable of monogamy altogether.
Did I mention I was feeling slightly ill? But should I be? Is this all really true?
This next post comes via The Good Men Project. After reading all the talk about why men cheat in the wake of the Petreaus affair, they decided to write the reasons men DON’T cheat. “We know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners,” they wrote on the site. “And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.”
1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.
My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.
(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)
Does everyone cheat?
2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.
3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.
4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.
Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.
5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.
This gallery of reasons men don’t cheat was created by the team at The Good Men Project using the tweets of men and those who love them.
Why men don't cheat - via The Good Men Project
So. Cheating. Have you ever cheated? Have you ever been cheated on? Do you believe the notion that men cheat just because they’re men? What about women?
Comments
69 Comments so far
A few years ago when I was online dating I was astounded by the number of married men approaching me who were wanting to find a ‘discreet’ partner…it was sad. Then if that wasn’t enough I found the profile and picture of the husband of someone I knew…not only was his picture active but in it he was holding their child in his arms! I was horrified. His profile name was ‘lookingtoflirt’. It made me sick to my stomach and to this day when I see him (thankfully not that often) I can barely look him in the eye. Cheaters, regardless of their gender are pathetic, spineless cowards.. end of story!
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Men aren’t the only ones who cheat… I don’t know where people get this idea it’s only men. In fact, I know of more girls who cheated than I know of men. I can think of only two that I know.
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I think my ex was unfaithful to me.Had an RSVP profile for our entire relationship,and I knew that he was emailing a girl while he was with his girlfriend before me.
He knew how much I loved him,we fought a lot and I was not perfect.But I was good to him and loved him so much.But he put the blame all on me>Cheating is so disugsting.
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OMG! I was reading reason no.4 and came across a word I hadn’t seen before….so I Googled “Fleshlight” and nearly fell off my chair! Who thinks of these things and what’s wrong with your hand?
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A fleshlight for men is like Vibrators for women… nothing wrong with them using toys to help masturbate
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Perhaps we should remember that for every guy who cheats, there’s a willing woman with him.
The good General is married and had an affair, but he had an affair with a married woman.
So why present the entire article as if it’s only men who cheat?
Why are most of the comments about men who cheat? I’m damn sure there are plenty of women who comment on here who have cheated. Why is that not mentioned?
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What is this list implying? That people who have experienced a partner’s infidelity necessarily “gave them a reason” to do so, or aren’t loved enough?
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The Paul Newman comment always reminds me of a response I once heard – “Because sometimes when you’re drunk a burger is delicious!” So true.
Women cheat too, it’s not just men. I’m living OS at the moment and I’ve literally only met one partered up person who HASN’T cheat while overseas. Very sad stuff.
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The thing that gets me about cheating is the deceit.
My partner found himself attracted to an old high school friend, and our relationship had hit a rough patch. No matter how bad our relationship had become, however, he was still able to come to me and be honest about his feelings.
He told me he thought his was falling in love with this high school friend, and thought he might want to pursue a relationship with them.
Was I hurt? Like nothing I’ve felt before. Was I angry? Beyond belief. But I was so thankful he came to me first and we talked about it.
He obviously couldn’t control his feelings (although to this day I believe he wasn’t able to tell the difference between love and lust), and I had to accept that he thought he would be happier with them instead of me.
Things didn’t work out with the old flame, and we found our way back together. Ten years later, and our partnership is strong, stable and still as open and honest.
I know that if he had gone behind my back, I never would have been able to forgive him; he knew that a betrayal of that magnitude could have destroyed me. And I guess that’s the point I’m getting at – at the end of the day, somebody who cheats lacks honesty, integrity and the courage to own their actions.
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Wow. Thank you for sharing.
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So basically his reasons for not cheating boil down to -
My wife’s “doesn’t give me a reason to”, because she’s “not sexually possessive” and she’d be totally down with me sleeping with someone else as long as they were famous.
MY KIDS would be hurt
If I did get to the point that I was “physically incapable” of not having sex, I still wouldn’t because WHERE WOULD I FIND THE TIME?
I’d be giving away leverage and don’t want to get blackmailed.
And then slid quietly in the middle of there – Oh, and of course I love my wife and don’t want her to worry. This seems to make up a pretty small fraction of what stops him cheating.
What I took from that – all I have to do to not worry about my partner cheating is not care if he sleeps with someone else, as long as they’re a celebrity and he tells me after, have kids so he’ll feel bad about how it’s affecting them, make sure he’s really busy all the time so he doesn’t have time to find someone to have an affair with, and just hope that he doesn’t meet a married woman who’s interested in having an affair with him because she’ll be less likely to blackmail him. Maybe I should be keeping an eye on all my married friends in case he’s being too friendly with them??
This is a crap way to try to address the gender stereotyping issue. Both men and women cheat, and we should be making it clear that it’s unacceptable, and that only certain types of people do it. And those people are weak and should not have excuses made for them. And they’re probably the sort of people who justify it by calling their wives “sexually possessive”.
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“anyone with a penis” Really?
Paula Broadwell is married too you know.
I love not having anything to hide from my wife. “Secretly” meeting my wife at a motel is way more enticing to me than anything I could get up to without her.
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We’re responsible for our own lives and the choices we make in them. I am personally profoundly against worrying about whether a man will cheat on me or not. As why worry about something that hasn’t happened?
Instead I’d suggest our energy is better served to be clear within ourselves what our own personal boundaries are around cheating. And then follow through on those if the unfortunate incident does ever occur.
For me there is a difference between a serial cheater, someone who has an ongoing affair, or someone who is desperately unhappy in their lives and makes the poor choice to seek solace outside their marriage and regrets it.
All of it is ugly, and really it’s up to all of us as individuals to decide what our own personal boundaries are around it, rather than worrying about if the man we are building something wonderful with will cheat on us.
And of course, that goes for any gender combination, and any one in that combination.
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Appreciate your insight here. I’m personally dealing with my own one night stands in my relationship.
I tried every thing to try to deal with these successfully within myself, but only have now had the courage to speak with my husband after seeking out a therapist to try to work out WHAT THE HELL WAS/IS GOING ON!?!
It’s full on and the rationale that’s been underpinning my infidelity I’m only just beginning to understand – and of course, it’s waaaay too deep and murky for me to unravel in this corner of the world… but I have been sad in my relationship. But didn’t have the confidence to believe that I “should” be sad. My husband is a very decent sort of chap and has been a real rock in my somewhat turbulent life.
Anyhoo, it’s led to all kinds of deceit and it’s great to have started the process of bringing my whole self into the relationship – I don’t know where it will go, but at least it’s an honest (and deeply humbling) journey. The biggest thing I’m learning? Very difficult to judge people in this here life… it’s a bloody difficult and confusing thing that I reckon most people try their best at.
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Is everyone forgetting that it takes two to tango?
Where is the criticism of women who cheat with these guys?
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Criticism of women…. sorry you’ve come to the wrong website for that.
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Actually, I think the focus here is correct. The married person cheating is the one doing the terrible thing, and yet it is often the “other person” who is deamonised. Look at Angelina and Brad Pitt! She’s made out to be some devil woman (which hey, she may well be) but he was the one that was married! Yet no one says a word against him.
The ‘other woman’ (or man) isn’t necessarily doing a terrible thing. They might not know the person is married, they might think the person is separated – or they just might not feel bad as it wasnt them that made an oath. The husband (or wife) breaking her vows is the one in the wrong, and the one who deserves the blame.
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Timely post. Thanks MM.
Have grown tired of my husbands’ selfishness and plain disrespect for others so today I signed up to a dating/extra marital affair site. There are plenty of married men and women on there – I judge each and every one of them and be silently grateful my husband might be selfish but he isn’t THAT selfish.. Then l realise that I too am in a committed marriage and I should be pointing my own finger back at me! I’m appalled at myself. Thanks for the slap in the face I didn’t know I needed. *signs into RSVP and deletes her account*
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If my husband had sex with Scarlett johanssen i would not jump up and down with happiness I would be hurt beyond belief. I would think our love and children should mean more no matter who the other person was. This article didn’t convince me that all men don’t cheat because he is said he would if the right person came along.
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I’m only good with one generalisation, really.
Fuckwits cheat.
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Well said. Thankyou
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I am a woman and I cheated on my husband – Something I’m definitely not proud of
I told him and we are still together and I would never ever do it again, I certainly didn’t do it for sex or because I am selfish or because I didn’t
Love my husband. I was coming out of a depression, was feeling under appreciated at home and lonely, I find what I was missing in a friend of mine, he made me feel like I was worth more than I thought I was at the time. What I have learned since is that you should have enough trust in your partner to talk to them about how you are feeling even if it is admitting that you are attracted to someone else, it’s usually a symptom of a greater problem.
I do regret cheating because I have been cheated on and I would never wish that upon anyone however when faced with my own situation I made the wrong choice! I am just lucky to have such a supportive partner,
It’s been a long road to get back to what we have now – I love him more every day.
People make mistakes – it’s shouldn’t define them
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Wow! I would have hoped to read some more meaningful stuff other than my wife would applaud an affair with a celebrity…
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Why do so many people commenting here seem so convinced that no one in their relationship is cheating? Women are just as guilty as men in the cheating department and most of us wouldn’t know if our partner was in fact cheating. The monotony of monogamy is a hard pill to swallow.
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My ex-husband cheated on me. It is a cruel and horrible thing to do to another human being. I would never wish the pain – or the consequences – of infidelity on anyone.
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I believe there are men who are serial cheaters they want their cake and all that…. But I also believe there are men who are so unhappy that they look for even a second of happiness and if their is a woman there to give it they may take it but feel guilty about it…… And u also believe there are men out there who have never and would never cheat!!!
But hey why are we defining this as about men, as many woman cheat as men and for just as many reasons. Cheating is not an exclusive male thing!!!
Let me tell you my story!! My now husband was in a very unhappy relationship with a woman who who was an emotional train wreck. I was his BFF at the time and I was in my own relationship. He cheated not with me no but hey cheated and he told her, broke up with her and to this day lives with the guilt. People tell me oh he’ll cheat in you do I believe that no, we are both very happy and he knows what he did was the wrong thing, he felt the shame and the guilt and admitted it his first chance. That’s why I know he hasn’t cheated.
I also know plenty of men who have never cheated on their partners but they have had cheated once in the past. Just because your partner hasn’t cheated on you specifically doesn’t mean they didn’t in the past. Every one deserves a second chance and I also think if a person cheats or is cheated on it just means they are with the wrong person simple as that.
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Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself more than anything.
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Funny how all men cheat on women/wives who are ‘an emotional train wreck’, ‘crazy’ or similar. Poor them, how could they help themselves from cheating? How about breaking up and then dating someone new? There’s a novel idea that DOESN’T involve cheating! I meet men who are married or in committed relationships daily in my business life, many tell me how their partner is crazy, depressed, emotional train wreck – it’s like a re write of the old ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’. Be an honest person, break up and then go elsewhere.
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Or you could support her and help her and stick by her, and maybe one day she will get better and return the favour.
I’ve suffered from very serious mental illness for a very long time, and the first 6 years or our marriage were a nightmare. I was a total zombie who couldn’t even get out of bed, and I know I went psycho on my husband regularly. It was very very hard for him, but he stuck by me. He supported me. He didn’t cheat on me. He didn’t give up. It’s been a year now since I broke out of that cycle. I’ve got my life back. And now I am supporting him to have the business he’s always wanted to have, keeping our house nice and being the best wife I can be.
If he had cut his losses and left (which was probably the smart option), or if he’d cheated… I would still be in that hole, and probably worse.
I’m so grateful that he really loves me enough to put my needs before his, and I’m grateful that his hard work has allowed me to do the same thing now.
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Exactly. Did the cheaters mishear the “for better or worse” part? When you commit to someone for life you sign up for their periods of depression, disinterest in sex, stress – whatever else might come up. If the marriage isn’t workable then give them the respect they deserve and END the marriage. Don’t just think you owe yourself a little ‘reward’ for putting up with ‘an emotional train wreck’.
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What a load of tripe!
The partner who is cheated on is not the one to blame for someone having an affair!
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I know any faithful husbands, including my own.
Trust is sacred and gives you freedom within your relationship. I’d never cheat because I’d hate to break the trust in my marriage and I love my husband.
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I dont cheat. Never have, never will. I am not constantly looking for better. I am happy with the imperfect partner I have. Cheating is weak, no matter how you look at it. If you dont want to be with someone have the decency to end one relationship before starting another. Stop looking for greener grass. Work on your own grass a bit harder instead.
It’s just uncool and unfair.
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EXACTLY!! Everything you said!
Dealing with the new found knowledge my partner of nine years is ‘seeing someone else’….
Don’t quite know what to do next (& at the moment he has no idea I know)
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You may not realise it yet, but you are in a powerful position, actually – often the realisation that a much loved partner has cheated comes like a bolt out of the blue. It depends on the outcome you want, but I wouldn’t rush into any snap decisions about the relationship until you have identified the reasons why this might have happened and whether or not you wish to continue. You also have time to get your finances in order.
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Thanks Victoria for the support! I am well aware of the power that knowledge affords me right now and am using the chance to gather my resources, collect my thoughts & feelings before moving forward in whatever way is best. Still stings like buggery.
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Jane, I too have just found out my husband of almost 19 years is cheating and he is not aware that I have found out. I am in a 24 hour spin. I know for a fact that he has told this woman that we are separated and on the verge of a divorce. So far from the truth. I can’t blame her when she is not aware of the reality. It’s a small help to know I am not alone with this one.
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Well, I wish I was married to one of the above men, because 100% of the men I’ve been in significant relationships with have cheated on me. I don’t feel I gave them any reason, and they both regretted it, although it’s too late now. Doesn’t make you feel good about yourself though.
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Yeah, me too. So now I wait for it to happen again.
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Have faith, Lucy. Not everyone cheats.I have been married for 36 years and neither of us have been unfaithful.
Both my husband and myself had cheating fathers (My mother used to say that my father moved the family from NZ to Australia because he ran out of women in NZ to cheat with!) and that made us determined to do the right thing by each other and our kids.
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I believe this can all be answered with the same thing pretty much all of life problems can be explained by:
Some people are just f**kwits.
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Reason 6…..most of us know the difference between what is right and what isn’t.
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“If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife.”
How is this a reason for NOT cheating on your wife?! I don’t get it….
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Yes, I don’t get reason number 1. You don’t cheat on your wife because she would be totally down with it if you did? Sure my husband can have fantasies but that’s what they should remain.
I don’t enjoy game playing in relationships. We’re constantly told not to act clingy or too interested in order to get / keep men. What happened to just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company.
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Yes, that one made me feel a bit ick. I will only cheat on you if I meet my fantasy woman, how reassuring, & how nice to know you are settling for second best until your fantasy woman comes along.
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This one bothered me too. I am certainly not so ‘sexually unpossessive’ that I wouldn’t mind my boyfriend sleeping with a celebrity. Hopefully that doesn’t mean that that is what I need to be for him not to want to cheat on me.
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My husband and I both jokingly made a “Hall Pass List” one night. He gets Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johanssen and Sofia Vergarra, I get Channing Tatum, Alex O’Loughlin, and Ryan Reynolds.
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My ex husband cheated on me, he said that he had so no to his cousins wife for 6 months but she had made him??? I have been with my new partner for 3 years his ex wife cheated on him, we are very happy togther and would never hurt each other by cheating as we know the damage is cause’s.
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People who say “All men cheat” are generally men who have cheated or are looking to cheat and want to justify such a horrible act as being out of their control.
If you believe it’s fair to excuse your actions by saying you are powerless to your penis to stop yourself from devastating people you love then I think it’s fair to say you are not fit to be a husband, partner, father or friend.
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Yeah, it’s all these “men” labeling other men cheaters.
20 thumbs up!
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Too right, Lucy !
Not all men cheat. Not all men rape. Not all men are misogynists (as defined by the Macquarie Dictionary). Not all men are kiddie fiddlers.
Many of us are actually quite decent and caring human beings.
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Actually…..make that “most” men are quite decent and caring human beings. I object to the fact that this majority has become collateral damage and all of their good intentions have been continually overlooked and downgraded as irrelevant.
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Well said Bradley.
I imagine it doesnt feel good as a man to be dragged through the mud constantly because of the disgraceful behaviour of the minority.
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And I want to add to this sentiment pet owners that rent.
‘ “most” renting pet owners are quite decent and caring … I object to the fact that this majority has become collateral damage ‘
Grrr – gets my goat. No majority should be tarred with the toilet brush used by a slim minority!
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Bradley, there you go with that whole ‘facts’ thing again. How many times must you be told.
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Oh…..dozens ???
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He is a man, after all
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The thing is… this happens on so many topics, these generalizations towards groups of people. Like the same thing has been said about women (“they all just want men for money”, “cheaters all the same”, “marriage is the only thing on their mind” etc), men (“cheaters”, “never wants to get married”, “only goes for the pretty ones, never the smart”), not to mention the various religious affiliations (Christian, Jews, Muslims etc), ethnicity, age, nationality etc etc
Don’t people that think this way just make life so much more depressing and sad? To be able to write off, in this case, a whole gender as cheaters (especially heterosexual women) just make themselves miserable? What happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? Not saying trust blindly, but like there is even one person that isn’t flawed in their own way…
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What’s this ? MM is taking the first steps to end the gender war that it has so rigourously promoted for so long ?
PEACE !!!!!!!!
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MM doesn’t promote gender war. It speaks out against sexual violence, domestic violence, sexism and misogyny – which unfortunately are all things perpetrated primarily by men. MM and it’s readers LOVE men – the good men, which is also the majority of men. We love our husbands and our sons and our friends. But that doesn’t mean we’re going to pretend that sexual violence, DV and so on isn’t gendered.
You need to stop being so easily offended and realise no one is attacking you (or even men in general), they’re attacking the men and culture that foster and perpetuate inequality and violence against women.
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If there wasn’t first oppression, there would be no need to fight.
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Last time I checked it takes 2 to tango (i know, sometimes both parties are not cheating), but seriously, how niave to think only men cheat. I mean, seriously????
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“My wife doesn’t give me any reason.”
Neither did thousands or millions of wives and husbands who had their partners cheat on them. Even loving, supportive, horny wives and husbands get cheated on.
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Newsflash, some women cheat too. And some don’t. For a variety of reasons. When do we get to a point of referring to ourselves as people, instead of splitting into “men” and “women” and then referencing it as though we are different species?
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I don’t believe it is men who cheat, it is a personality type; one that can be found in men and women and it has a huge dose of selfishness.
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I’m with you Robyn.
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i wish i could ‘love’ this response!
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I just dont get it.
Doesnt matter what spin they try and put on it, people who cheat are low and dont deserve love or trust.
If your relationship isnt working, have some dignity and end it properly. And then sleep with anyone you like, without guilt or without ruining other peoples lives in the process.
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Or maybe, some people just don’t cheat because they are monogamous and love their partners?
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