by ANONYMOUS
The last time I had sex with my husband was the middle of the night a couple of nights ago; he’d woken up with a hankerin’ for some lovin’, and I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, happily surprised by this wake up call.
It lasted a total of about four minutes, and while he fell back to sleep more satisfied than I felt, it was nice to feel loved and wanted by him.
This is the reality of my 50 Shades of Grey. Not exactly worthy of a blog post- or even a paragraph of a blog post, but there you have it…
So whoever it was that said that men had a higher sex drive than women obviously didn’t take into account that women had ANY sex drive at all. I mean, I surely can’t be the exception to the rule in enjoying the occasional “cheeky” rendezvous? But surely enough, he’s ‘too tired’, or simply can’t be bothered with the physical exertion whenever I proposition him- I was once even told, ‘only if you do all the work.’ I mean, really? What does that mean?!
So we’ve been married almost a year, we are both young, still attractive and still in love, but suddenly all our “romance” has disappeared. When we first announced our engagement, all of his mates slapped his back and made jokes about him not getting any sex once the ring is on- you know the type I mean, like being married is the end of all things good and free in a man’s life. I took all this in good humour, knowing that there was no way it would make any difference to the way I feel about him.
What I hadn’t expected was for the tables to be turned and for him to be the one that no longer had a sex drive. And on the occasions that we do have some special times, it was usually after my suggestion, and usually ended once he’d has his share of fun and without bothering to lend me a helping hand…
Call me crazy, but I am feeling almost like I’m some sort of nymphomaniac by comparison- and usually have to ‘do all the hard work’ myself as it is anyway. So here it is, I put this to you: What do you do with the person that you love, when everything is perfect in every other department is perfect? We have the same values, dreams, ideals and have a great respect for each other, but all of a sudden we’ve gone so far south in the love-making department that I think it’s almost completely frozen over.
Before you suggest it, no he’s not having an affair: Yes, I am positive, and no I haven’t had to snoop through his phone/emails/wallet or anything else private to reassure myself. He loves me- of that I have no doubt- and he’s the most morally upstanding person I’ve ever met, and if he didn’t love me, he’s straightforward enough to tell me. I am not doubting his love, nor doubting our marriage or our relationship; I’m simply baffled at our bedroom antics, or lack thereof.
When did this occur? When did men suddenly stop wanting sex and settle for companionship? I don’t remember this being in any of the rom coms and romance novels. When does Christian Grey stop feeling his loins twitch with desire and start fantasising over a cup of tea and a discussion about how nice the garden will look with a few extra plants and the removal of an ugly hedge that gives us allergies? And since when did Prince Charming come home from a day at work to a dressed-to-impress Princess Charming and pat her nicely on the head and comment on how hot she looks, and then settle for a shower and sleep? Have I been lied to my whole life or is this some strange phenomena that is mysteriously plaguing my relationship alone?
Comments
136 Comments so far
I’ve been through this too – and the only really solid advice I can offer is go and get counselling about it. Together. He won’t want to, he will kick and scream and refuse. Do it anyway. Find a way. Your GP can refer you and you’ll get six sessions at a reduced rate under Medicare.
Really, it’s just a mismatch of libido. Men get very affected by stress, tiredness and there may be something more to it too. But maybe not.
Because we are told all the time that men want sex always, because it’s so engrained in our psyches, we can’t help but feel we’re doing something wrong. You’ll go through years of emotional scarring and confidence shaking… and it’s so not worth it.
Get professional help. Fix it now before it gets too far out of control.
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I whole heartily agree with this- best advice.
We had the same problem, except it was me not him.
Don’t put up with it, act, do something and get professional advice and support.
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B, did counseling help you? How? I am in the same boat as you and I desperately want to fix it.
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My concern is more the quality rather than the quantity. You expressed how on the odd occasion you have sex that he’s done after he is satisfied and doesn’t put enough effort into pleasuring you. I would be super annoyed by this because to me it is just really selfish and indicates he prioritises his own needs above yours. I would want a man that wants me to have the most amazing time sexually and be completely satisfied. How was the sex before marriage?
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Been there!
Being someone who didn’t marry until her 30′s, I spent a lot of my 20′s dating people with lower libido’s than me. Some just weren’t interested in sex, some were passive-aggressive and some, their loss of libido were a precursor to the loss of interest in the relationship. Ironically, my husband has a high libido but due to fertility issues, mine has swung from ‘acceptable’ to ‘non-existent’. Being someone who KNOWS how it feels to be constantly rejected however, I try to make an effort for my husband. People forget that once the bedroom intimacy dies, the relationship intimacy often begins to die also. It’s impossible to experience constant rejection and maintain the same level of love. Every couple I know with mismatched libido’s (and no children) have eventually ended and move on.
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Wow – I can only imagine what those same friends who had slapped him on the back prior to your wedding are saying now. I’m sure you discussed with him prior to submitting this article, but I have to wonder why you would choose to use this issue to raise your profile. Of course the topic is mildly juicy, but it just seems a little exploitative and insensitive to what is surely a very sensitive issue for you both.
To be honest, once I realised you’d published your name I felt weird reading on and in fact only skimmed the article – thereby not being able to enjoy your writing.
Good luck with it and I hope you’ve gained some helpful advice.
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Completely agree. Seeing her name made me realise I went to school with her husband… very awkward.
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This comment intruiges me. The authors on this site regularly discuss sex and relationships and rarely choose to publish anonymously. Is it the shock horror of a man with a low libido being openly discussed online that is so horrific it requires anonymity? I am sure we wouldn’t have the same reaction if she was discussing a partner with a high libido.
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There’s no shock or horror at all of the issue – regardless of gender! My concern is that the author has basically advertised that her husband is crap in bed – that whilst he’s a great guy and they’re very much in love, when it comes to between the sheets he’s lazy and a little inconsiderate. Now, that may just be my interpretation, but I would have thought that it is insensitive to put one’s loved one out on the line like that for other people to make assumptions.
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I’m sure the author’s husband is well aware of the article, especially if she is looking to become a writer. Plenty of brave people put their names to books/articles about taboo or personal subjects. Most of the time, they are the ones honest enough to say what other people are experiencing too – which is obvious from the comments.
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It’s definitely brave treatment of a topic obviously affecting a lot of relationships. However, I just wonder whether it’s short-sighted. Long after us strangers have forgotten all about the author and her story, her partner, their friends and family won’t have. I just really question what is to be gained from sharing the story. I can understand if it relayed a journey (thereby helping others), but it’s just been presented as a ‘problem’ in an advice seeking column.
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Sex is a bit like sleep. The more you do it the more you want it. So dry spells can perpetuate the problem. But all good relationships go through them. Though this sounds a little bit different to a dry spell.
You really need to sit down and talk to him about it. Find out why it is your sex life has wanned. Could there be other problems in his life? Is it really that he is too tired? What about saytime on his days off? Do you have incompatible drives? If so then you both have to work on meeting in the middle. Start of with a commitment to be intimate once a week. And both your “needs” need to be met, none of this one way bulls#&@.
Frankly if you’re not happy with the situation it will just fester. If it a case of him being a selfish lover…well you need to nip that in the bud or the future is probably not going to be very rosy at all.
Think of it as a blessing that this has happened early. How you deal with it and the outcomes you reach will shape your marriage. Too many women stay quiet on this issue due to embarrassment and suffer for years. Good luck hon and remember a healthy libido is just that….healthy
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My husband of 12 years draws back from any form of connection (physical, verbal – he really finds it hard to communicate at all) when he is upset with me about something, and it usually takes me really sitting down and connecting with him to find out what that something is.
Eg recently I made a flippant comment about wishing I was young and single again so I could go see a band I like in Tokyo next month. In his head he thought I was regretting our marriage and the place where our life is (3 kids, mortgage, etc) at the moment. So he withdrew, felt like I wanted to leave, felt unloved, and didn’t tell me ANY of it. It took nearly 3 weeks of no sex before I got the message that he was upset, sat him down and asked him what was wrong. Then nearly an hour of denial (lucky I am a persistent bugger) before he finally figured out what was going on and was able to communicate it. Once he said it out loud “I thought you didn’t want to be married to me anymore”, it all disappeared. He got he’d been making a mountain out of a molehill in his head, and was able to be back in love with me again. Sex is back on the cards.
My point is, this is not an unusual scenario, and if you have had a great sex life in the past, but now he’s not interested, maybe there is something more emotional going on for him. Men aren’t always taught to share their problems, so sometimes it can be hard for them to express their fears or concerns. Someone else said, try to connect with him in lots of ways. Give him opportunities to share how he feels, and allow him to see you as on his side.
Good luck. I found the first two years of marriage the hardest, it does get easier I think. x
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Hmm.. I’m not sure if anyone has considered this..
This is just a thought given we are considering possibilities.
I know there are cases where it’s testosterone or psychological issues (for this a visit to a men’s health clinic could help) but there is also the possibility that he might be in denial about his sexuality – especially given that this was a 180 degree change immediately after marriage.
It could be that previously he was actively pursuing hetrosexual sex to prove that he’s hetrosexual. Thus, once married, he felt that he no longer had to prove to anyone (including himself) that he was hetrosexual since he had made one of the biggest act to show everyone he was into women – by marrying one and committing to one for life.
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I was thinking the same but didn’t want to say anything. It happens more often than we are aware of probably. There is also some good advice in these posts about getting some professional medical help.
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Um, do you have any evidence or examples to back up this theory? How hurtful to the author, her husband, and all the others in their situation reading this! So, have you considered your whole marriage is an elaborate farce of sexuality denial? As someone in a nearly identical situation to the writer, of course she has. You lie there wondering am I hideous, why did things change, does he love me, is he gay, are we just friends who share a bed? It is horrible and self esteem destroying, and it doesn’t help to have people treat it like a tittilating gossip session.
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i think its great getting everyone’s opinions. the author needs to look at all possibilities. i think its human nature to want to have sex so am baffled that this man is not interested.
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I thought the same too… because that’s what happened to me. I’m female. When I was a younger teen I was attracted to girls but i suppressed it because I thought it was wrong and because I wanted to have a family. For a number of years I was happy to pursue and date men, then once I was married my feelings about women returned. It was because I was now “safe” in a marriage and didn’t need to suppress any more. In the end it took me until 40 (13 years of marriage) to come out.
But of course there could be many other reasons in this man’s case. Work stress or depression and anxiety could just as likely be involved.
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You might find this article helpful – it has some practical tips that you can use to reverse the situation…
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201008/using-reverse-psychology-your-spouse
Good luck!!
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Are you sure he is not experiencing any pain or trouble in that area. Recently my husband had gone a little cold in the bedroom department and after a few weeks of me thinking everything from , hes having an affair to its me,he must have gone off me!!! It turned out he was in a lot of pain and had a nasty case of Epididymis, it took a while to go with a strong course of antibiotics but all is well now. Mens health issues in that region are rarely discussed as most men are not comfortable talikng about these issues. Theres a lot of things that can go wrong down there and a lot of men just suffer in silence!! My husband was so embarrased and it took me days to convince him to go to the doctor…he hated every minute of it, I swear he would have just left it if I had not pushed and made the appointment!!!!
Please note that Epididymis is not always sexually transmitted disease…my husband had all the tests and showed me all the results…it turned out that he had a slightlly enlarged prostrate that was causing the problem.
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I don’t mean to scare anyone with this post…. but….
I am an Intensive Care Nurse. In the past few years, I have had two young patients in their early 30s who have had benign brain tumours – the only reason they were picked up on was due to excessively low libido with no other discernible cause…
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You know what?
Guys get tired too. My husband has been tired since we got married, and I can totally understand it. The last 7 years of my mental illness, going hand in hand with his work addiction (yup, there is such a thing) makes for one very tired, very stressed out man. And just like women, when men get really tired and stressed, they don’t want sex.
Funny thing is, while I was suffering the worst with the mental illness, I had an insanely high sex drive, and it was really hard to deal with the incompatibility between us. Now we’re running a business and we’re BOTH tired as hell, and stressed as hell, and neither of us wants it.
Sex isn’t everything. It’s not really much at all. If everything else is perfect in your relationship, except your sex drive, you’re doing pretty well. I’d rather have a relationship with a kind, gentle, respectful, honest, loving man who thinks I’m the most wonderful woman in the world but has a low sex drive, than a total jerk who was a great, virile lover.
I guess it’s about priorities.
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I am hearing more and more stories like this from my female friends and co-workers – all young and happily married couples. The ladies are always making the moves and often being shut-down. Maybe it is just that the female sexual peak is later than the male one? Either way it seems like it is definitely a false stereotype to say that men are the sexually hungry ones in long term relationships – every couple is different.
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Can we swap husbands? I have absolutely no libido compared to a husband who have elevated testosterone levels. We’ve been married 2 years. Your post gave me a bit of insight into how difficult it must be him sometimes but I am damned if I will lie on my back and pretend I want it when I don’t….
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I wanted to swap husbands as well. I’m the one with the low sex drive which I feel guilty about but I don’t want to have sex just to make him happy because that doesn’t make me happy.
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I was having the same problem in my relationship.
We are young (hot! hehe) and should be all over each other. We broke up a while back now because I just felt so un-wanted and that something was missing and I have since been with another man. I thought i was going to suffocate from the intoxication when i realised that *this* was what it was meant to be like. I have no words to describe it.. It was instant connection, instant desire to please each other. The sex is out of control amazing and I think it is so bonding to be on the same page.
Sure, we may not get married and live happily ever after but i’m SO glad I had / am having this experience. It opened by eyes. Life it just too short and if it goes on it will cause damage, no matter if everything else is fine.
Best of luck xx
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Worth checking: is he depressed? Loss of libido is a big symptom of that….
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My husband was like this too. I’d lie awake sighing and turning over extra hard to get my point across (childish, yes) and then stomping out to read a book in the living room. I was used to guys wanting it all the time. Over the years I got used to it and almost welcomed it after we had two children. Then…….he went to the doctor about another matter and was told he had low testosterone levels. He now gets a testosterone jab every few weeks trying to bring his levels back up and now he wants sex a lot more. Talks about it more, shows me his doodle more…etc, you get the drift! It is just a simple blood test. Might be worth looking into.
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Haha. Doodle.
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Hi Emmeline,
Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine (sighing loudly, stomping around… although no children). I’ve often wondered if my husband should have his hormone levels tested but to be honest, my husband is a pretty hairy guy and I thought testosterone caused this – so I always assumed that wasn’t the issue. Did your husband have any other symptoms?
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Hormone levels can increase & decrease, so being a hairy man does not determine what his current levels are. Also the levels are more likely to decrease with age, so even if he had a high level when he was younger they may have decreased now.
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Hi Guest. My husband was 32 when we met and is now 41. He had a low libido from the start. And from putting two and two together from what he has said about a few other relationships I think he has been like this for a long time. He is an anxious highly strung person and is always tired so he’d just blame it on that. Sorry I can’t help much more than that.
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Being anxious & highly strung takes an enormous amount of energy, you’re often constantly tired & the last thing you want to do when you’re tired & have no energy is have sex! Having these personality traits or worrying habits often goes hand-in-hand with a low libido. So I don’t think it’s necessarily blaming it on tiredness, it’s hard to feel like sex or to feel sexy yourself when you’re exhausted all the time.
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Friend of mine had this problem. After 8 years together of much the same thing as you – turns out he is gay. And no, it wasn’t a case of her being in denial. No one suspected. He wasn’t ‘obviously’ gay. He just wasn’t that interested in sex with her, and te rare occasions they did do it, it was perfunctory for him. Almost like masturbation. He wasn’t interested, turned on, or connected with we sexual pleasure in any way – but would bust a gut to ensure her happiness in all other areas. Was really the ‘perfect husband’ in every other department, except his ability to connect with her sexually.
Sad.
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I hate to burst your bubble here but, there are a lot of men like your husband. Society has primed us that men always want & need sex. Men have a heap of pressure on them to preform & put in a top performance every time (it’s a lot of pressure). Now some men can handle it because they have a high sex drive, but remember men reach their sexual peek at 18 & us women it’s 35. Make your times together as special as possible,to grow together into a loving relationship for both parties. But remember it’s hard for men to fake it & if you feel things only getting worse & that will effect you, then you have to look out for yourself here & see to your own personal happiness.
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Actually, the ‘peak’ of sexuality ages in relation to libido is a widely discredited theory. Any contemporary sociology text on the subject will confirm that.
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Oh my god – you too?! I’ve been with my partner for six years and it is exactly the same. We are both under 30 with zero kids. For the first two years we had sex almost everyday, but now I’m lucky if it is once every three weeks. We recently spent several months apart due to work committments and I was sure that would reingnite his missing desire. But no. We have a great relationship in every other aspect and I also am 100% sure that he isn’t and would not be cheating. He also gives me the ‘only if you do all the work’ comment at times! When I do occasionally bring up the fact that something is amiss he just says that he is tired and that it’s not because he isn’t attracted to me. Or he’ll occasionally say that its because our sex is not adventurous enough. Of course I say that I’m totally willing to mix things up – but nothing changes, so I think it’s just an excuse.
I don’t know what to do either? Do I stop short of contacting some sort of therapist? I miss that feeling of being wanted.
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I felt obliged to reply. I have often listened to my girlfriends complaining about how often their partners want to have sex. I’ve nodded in agreement all the while wondering what is wrong with me that my husband didn’t seem to want to very often at all.
Having been married for quite a few years now I can see a little more clearly that there are ups and downs in various deparments over the years. If every other aspect of your relationship is good, then perhaps it is worth just hanging in there and seeing what the next year or two brings. Every relationship goes through phases. There have been times when I felt like bailing on the whole thing, but in retrospect, would have regretted it very much.
So, to all the people who will inevitably tell you to worry about this at such an early stage in your marriage, I say they are wrong.
And if this is the way your marriage is going to be, then I guess you just have to make a choice about what things are really important to you.
There – you are not alone in this phenomenon! Hope that is somewhat reassuring.
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I would agree with this. I have been with my partner for 12 years and have worried myself spare about this issue. I tried everything including trying to talk to him about it, counseling (one session) and reading all the books.
However, I made the decision to stay with him and we now have a baby together. Which is my commitment to stay together forever and I am happy with that. He is an amazing father and partner. Although it is hard not feeling desired, I figure that you can’t have everything and I would much rather have this missing than one of his other qualities. I also imagine looking back at my life with him and I truly don’t think I will even think about it.
I also think that we are so culturally bombarded with everything sex that we give it much more real estate in our heads than it is worth.
And on a more frivolous note, alcohol usually helps! But not too much.
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Have you talked to HIM about this??
Have you sat down together in a neutral environment and told him how you feel WITHOUT using words that seem like you are blaming him for it all?
He is not a mind reader, despite what some people think, when the ring goes on your finger it does not give either partner special powers to know what the other is thinking.
You have two choices,
stay quiet, slowly resent him more and more and start saving up for the divorce lawyer you will need in 6 years time.
Or
You can sit down with him, away from the bedroom and tell him how YOU feel,how it affects YOU, what solutions YOU want to try etc etc.
Do not attack him, do not tell him that it is all his fault do not tell him that he makes you feel like xyz when he does not do abc.
Tell him that you love him and part of loving him is wanting to have a sexual relationship with him as well. That you think he is the sexiest man alive and he turns you on, that you want to share your body with him to show your love.
He may have a body hang up you know nothing about, he may be embarrassed of his body, or his penis size, he might think he is not good at lovemaking. There are lots of reasons that men and women might seem to not be interested in sex.
You need to go back to basics. Sit on the couch and hold hands while you are watching TV. Touch him as he walks past you on the kitchen. Stop and kiss him in the hallway. Have a shower together. Then slowly work up to more intimate touching. Lay beside each other in bed and explore his body.Tell him what you like, what makes you feel good, what turns you on. Ask him the same.
Dont rush anything. You need to build up to sex. There is no time frame but make sure you both feel comfortable and accepted and you listen to each other.
The MOST important thing is to talk and listen.
Good luck
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everything I would have said was expressed in the “therapist” reply….. All I would .add is schedule a night each week as a least it is a starting point…he can get himself emotionally ready and you know your needs will be met too…..Sexual abuse and many partners before marriage can also impact this area of your relationship. Worth seeing a counsellor who specialise in Men’s Sexuality to help get over the bump if things continue along this way. Sounds like you guys have a great relationship, just need to keep on top of the amazing love making that makes married life exciting and awesome ……. all that God intended.
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This is GREAT advise. I think we could all try these new tactics. How do I get him to do the same though?
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Your second last paragraph was exactly what I recently said to a friend who had completely lost her libido after childbirth. If you can’t face sex, for whatever reason, make sure you give importance to physical intimacy. It’s so easy for your partner to feel rejected, but those small moments can help get you both through.
So many couples (I’m also guilty of this) get into the habit of getting into bed on a weeknight, after hours watching mindless, boring TV and wonder why they’re too tired for sex.
But I’ve found that what really helps is to start foreplay earlier in the night. Turn off the TV and play music instead. Make out in the kitchen, undress on the couch. Hell, do it on the couch if there are no kids around.
Also, maybe this is a bit controversial, but can I suggest the author try to find some quality porn that she likes and try to see if her husband gets into it? (Some where the man is giving!!!!!)
Some of the men I know of who seem to have non-existent sex drives are actually really into porn but think they can’t show it to their wife for fear of being judged…just an idea, might not suit everyone, but worth a try…
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So what if you do all this and nothing changes re the sex?
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I spent 12 years in a relationship with a man who would rarely have sex with me. He was not unfaithful. Other than the lack of sex, everything seemed perfect. He was loving and kind and thoughtful. Everyone found him charming and he would give away the shirt off his back. He rarely uttered a cross word. We had some wonderful times together. I thought we were deeply in love. Turns out he was passive/aggressive and withholding sex as ‘punishment’. It was like a bucket of cold water when I connected the dots. I am only sorry that it took me over a decade to figure it out. http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htm
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Thanks for this link.
I am in a horribly dysfunctional relationship and this all makes sense.
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When I read this article you posted Gwen, I see a controlling and narcissistic man rather than just passive aggressive.
It’s emotional abuse which is why the author was left with such low self esteem.
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Great article. Thanks for the link. I think I just read all about my ex-husband!
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It sounds to me like he’s turned into a selfish lover. Or he was all along and maybe the poster thought marriage would change things.
It’s great that everything else in the marriage is going well but if one person has a significantly lower sex drive than the other I can only see problems on the horizon. I think in this case lots of communication is needed asap before resentment sets in.
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and this could be us. This IS us! We recently went on holidays for a month and I thought it would spice things up – we were having sex about once or twice a week, and over half of the times we did it he would come within a few minutes. He’s only 25! I love him and in every other way our relationship is amazing, but I’m worried about our sex life, and I’m worried it will get worse as we get older. He seems to be of the attitude ‘well, that’s just how it is’. So no advice here, but I’m curious to hear advice from others.
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I hope to reassure you – when my hubby (of 1 year, also) is very tired, he has zero interest. If things are good at work and he’s feeling happy / not tired, it’s all go. You can judge his libido by his response to ‘How was your day honey?’ and I find it has nothing to do with me / us / our relationship. Just tiredness
I can guess your hubby might be the same. Don’t feel bad
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Same here, when my husbands workload is high or stressful his libido is low. When things are going great at work they are great in the bedroom too. Men are actually a lot more complex than we give them credit for.
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Uh-oh……
What were things like before marriage? Was it a similar situation?
People will say ‘get him to the doctor, could be hormonal bla bla bla’ – but seriously, some men just don’t fit the stereotype of gagging for it night and day. Yours could be one of those. You have incompatible sex drives. Bad news – I really feel for you.
My now ex husband was like yours. The relationship staggered on for 13 years. We once had a ‘dry spell’ of FOUR years. What a joke.
Good luck. You’ll need it.
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My ex lost interest in sex at the same time as a “nervous breakdown”- worth considering! a talk about this.
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I personally believe that many men need a certain emotional connection with their partner to want sex often. Emotional and physical intimacy are so connected for both genders, regardless of what a man will tell ya. I doubt he’s having an affair. Try to cozy up to his feelings. Ask him about his day. Ooh and Ahh a lot. Give attention and show appreciation. Give the worship! They need it. He’ll want sex a bit more. Good luck!
http://www.connectwithhisheart.com
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