Time for a some therapy. Group therapy in fact because sometimes putting out a problem to a bigger audience can have the best results.
Mamamia reader Travelling Mum writes….
I have two young adult children – a son of 21 years and a daughter of 18 years. Both are pleasant, well mannered and articulate, and both are working full time in corporate environments after having completed studies of their choice. Both had friendship problems during their high school years, as they didn’t enjoy taking part in a lot of the silliness which can be part and parcel of school life, and yes they can be a little nerdy at times. However, it is a situation which has now arisen with my daughter which confounds me the most.
All during her school years she was the kid who would befriend the strays – you know, the type of kids that no-one else would play with. The new kid, the autistic girl, the boy who no other parent would have home because of his potty mouth. Unfortunately, as she got older many of these friends either went elsewhere or turned out to be not such good friends, and she has been abandoned many times. In high school she didn’t seem to be able to work out how to manage the often fluid nature of teenage friendship, and so has experienced isolation, ostracism and all the emotions that accompany these.
At the end of high school she started dating a boy that she had gone to school with, the relationship lasting about 11 months. Since then, all the kids that they would see socially have gravitated towards him, leaving her feeling abandoned yet again. Even the girls in the group, who vowed to look after her & go out with her, have failed to live up to their promises.
I’ve also noticed that every time she tries to organise a get-together, some of those invited will fail to show without any notification, even if they’ve said they would come. On one occasion 3 invitees said they were busy with things like babysitting, study & work, yet photos of them at clubs or other parties showed up on Facebook the next day. I asked my son about this and he told me that he has seen young people of his age group check out all their options (even if they have already accepted an invitation to an event) and then decide which one will be the coolest, rather than accepting the first & sticking to that, as would be expected of a well-mannered, considerate friend.
She gets on well with her brother but he lives on the opposite side of Australia to her. She also relates well to her workmates, however most of them are much older than her. She would desperately love to have a “Best Friend” but now struggles to trust. Is this situation out of the ordinary, or is it a sign of the times? Does a young person need to have the hide of a rhinoceros to navigate social relationships these days?
As a Mum it’s really hard to watch this happen and see her so unhappy and lonely. Please help us.
Do you have any advice for navigating social relationships and making new friends?
Comments
159 Comments so far
I live in Brissy and am always up for a chat and a catch up. Moving up here for uni and my partner has left me a little isolated but I still love it. Anyone who is lonely should message me. Hehehe
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This makes me scared to have children! How awful to watch, it must absolutely break your heart. Nothing makes me sadder then when i’m driving or around town or something, and i see a kid who looks awkward and isolated and alone – just want to scoop them up and tell them it will all be okay.
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I know I’m late to this article so people may not read my comment but I want to post it anyway. After reading this article I cried, like really, really full on crying (which is rare for me). I felt like someone had just published an article about me, without my permission. I understand everything this girl is going through as I’m in the exact same circumstances. I don’t know what to say, or what advice to give as I’m trying to find those answers out for myself, and as of yet I’ve had no luck. All I can say, from the bottom of my heart and with complete sincerity, is that I truly wish your daughter all the best.
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I feel sad reading your comment
. Whereabouts are you? If in Sydney come have a coffee w me! 
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I like comments like this. it means I’m not the only one who has gone in and out of friendship groups. I mean I have friends – there is no doubt. but I dont have those regular group of friends you see a couple of times a week if not every day.
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Wow, traveling mum…I read this and simply started crying because my daughter who is 19 has suffered throughout her childhood with friendships – still suffering and like you I find it very hard to watch what goes on and how others who she thought were friends treat her this way. We just had an episode last night, where my shoulder was there for her to cry on.
I read your article and might as well say your daughter and mine are identical twins with the same situations..I have read most of the posts below and although she is an adult, I still came on the internet to see if there could be a solution I have not thought about to suggest to her…
What I am worried about the most is her becoming so discouraged that she would start to have suicidal thoughts because she has struggled with depression in the past. She feels so alone…. and I do not know what else to do to help her see past these bad times….
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Perhaps your two daughters should meet up?!
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First off – may I say thank you to all the readers and commenters out there. All your kind, supportive comments are appreciated so, so much.
I am the 21 year old son Travelling Mum mentioned in the opening lines. Yes, I live on the other side of the country, and yes, I have been going through my own battles with depression and other issues over the past months. But nothing …and I mean NOTHING… is harder than watching your own sister going through what you had to endure those first few years out of school. Bullying… Abandonment… Betrayal… And worst of all – LIES.
My sister is one of the most considerate, respectable, and caring young ladies I know. I am proud to say that we have forged a bond that is more like a best-friendship than a brother/sister relationship. We chat every few days, email all the time, and ensure that we are always there to support each other no matter what we’re going through. It’s very reassuring to know that we always have each other to rely on for support.
I must say that I don’t understand the way social networking has contorted what is seen to be a ‘normal’ friendship, and social life. The fact that ‘friends’ will graciously accept an invitation to a gathering, then either not show up, or blatantly lie is one thing – but to then parade around in facebook photos the following day is just rubbing salt in the wounds. ‘Back in the day’, before networks such as Facebook and Twitter, and the humble mobile phone, if you accepted an invitation, you showed up – and if you weren’t there at the time you specified, people started to worry! It wasn’t as easy as flicking your mate a txt, saying: ‘Bro – where are ya…?’.
So really, all I can say is that I am so, so lucky to have the family I do – and I just wish that Karma (and PAY IT FORWARD) would reward my sister for her kind gracious nature. She absolutely deserves it, and it breaks my heart to see her continously let down time after time by those she believed to be her closest friends.
Signing out,
TS.
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What a gorgeous brother you are. I hate hearing stories like this and ickes me very sad for your sister. I have twin girls 10 years old. I am fortunate that if anything happens with friends they will always have each other. It would brek my heart otherwise to see my kids go through this. Wishing your sister and you all the best
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I’m 29 and I’ve just realised that I have only two really good friends, friends I consider to be for life. I’ve always had friends, but for some reason have had trouble sustaining friendships, other than these two. I have so much in common with these two, interests and lifestyles, but I’ve rarely met other people with whom I clicked so easily. I had friends at school, but then I moved away to go to uni. This was the best thing I have ever done – it made me less shy and more capable. I had friends at uni, because I lived in the residences, but I graduated earlier than they did and our lifestyles changed – they wanted to party all night, but I had to get up early for work etc. I had the same group of flatmates, in different combinations, for five years and these were my core friendship group during that time. However, around two years ago, I realised that I had nothing in common with any of them. Purely friends by circumstance, and not only that, deep down I didn’t actually like a couple of them. I make friends at work easily, but inevitably we drift apart when we change jobs.
In the last year or so I’ve just wanted to nurture those genuine friendships. And it turns out that there are only two of them. This makes me sad, but I’d much prefer quality over quantity at this point. I moved cities a year ago, where my parents live but where I know no one. Since I haven’t been working in that time (medical issue) so I haven’t made any friends. The things I like doing with friends – coffee, reading, museums, restaurants, – aren’t really places to meet new people and I don’t like going to these places alone. So I’m lonely, but reading this post has made me determined to make more of an effort at making friends. I think that’s key, going out there and actually putting yourself forward as a potential friend.
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I was always a fan of quality friends over quantity – as her life changes, she’ll meet different people and she’ll meet people that she likes and like her back. I don’t have a huge number of friends, but I have a quality 3 or 4 that I can call up for a chat whenever. At my 40th, I was busily introducing my friends to each other while my partner looked on in shock – he couldn’t believe they didn’t all know each other!
None of the friends at my 40th were friends I’d had since I was 18 though… they’re friends I’ve collected over my life (mother’s group, uni, TAFE, a housemate from a share house, picked one friend up at the pub… don’t laugh; it’s not weird to meet blokes, why not make friends?)
Join things, go to things, go to a yoga class, do an evening class – painting, macrame, cooking…. whatever; she’ll meet people that are at least partially interested in something she’s interested in. And sometimes it’s really fun to do things on your own – people TALK to you!
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Its so hard making friends, I am 22 and I have maybe 3 friends who I am close to but they all have their own social lives. I am just so alone that I have many times considered just killing myself to get over this shame that there are so many with an active life and all I have is a screen, I hope your daughter finds friendship somehow
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Mas, I’m really sorry you feel that way. Please do call for help if you ever feel that down – the wonderful people at Beyond Blue are here to listen: 1300 22 4636.
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You poor thing! Remember that so many people who “seem” to have fun, happy, active lives are just putting on a big “show for the cameras”. Also, my brother called Beyond Blue a few months ago (in a similar situation to you, with the end of a relationship thrown in) and they were really helpful. All the best x
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I have never been very good at making friends. Despite this, I had quite a few people I could count on.
But over the past few years, I have suffered from depression.
During the same period as the depression, a very good friend committed suicide.
As a result, I feel I didn’t/don’t deserve to be anyone’s friend and have cut myself off from those I had. I’m sure they were hurt by that, but I couldn’t (and still can’t) easily talk about all that happened or my reasons for withdrawing.
I’m sure it puzzles many who would like to be friends too.
Friendship terrifies me.
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Couldn’t agree more with Marissa. Moving away is a great way to find your inner strength and gain confidence.
It’s great for forcing you to create new patterns and habits of conducting yourself that boost your confidence. Oh, and join EVERYTHING and meet EVERYONE 
I also recommend a “scatter technique” – get involved in lots of different activities and meet heaps of people. The more people you meet, the more potential friends you’re finding.
Another thought – my husband always says that at every stage in your life, you have a different group of friends. At any stage, most people will have no more than three or four REALLY good ones! I think having hoards of friends is a bit overrated – who’s got time for hoards anyway?
And tell her to try not to be hurt by people going with the “better offer”. It’s disgustingly rude and very common. It’s a bad mannered attitude that’s facilitated by technology – instant methods of communication allow plans to be more flexible than a written invitation would allow. Gaaah don’t let me start ranting about “e-Tiquette”…..
It sounds like your daughter has a good heart and a level of integrity to be proud of. Other people do value these things and true friends will gravitate to her. I really recommend moving away for a bit, like Marissa and I did
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Could not agree more! I moved away when I was 21 and it forced me to meet new people, to accept every offer and really make an effort to go out and forge connections. Two of the ppl I met during that time are still my best friends to this day! x
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Playing soccer, volunteering with my soccer club, volunteering to visit an elderly person in a nursing home, couchsurfing. I’ve learnt to value even the briefest contacts with good people. I’ve travelled alone a lot, changed jobs and moved a fair bit, gives me an excuse to meet a lot of people. The more I meet the better chance of meeting good people. I’ve given up on trying to make or keep long term friendships, I think they’re over rated.
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I can relate somehow..sounds similar to me I mean i had lots of friends but at 18 I was in such a horrible relationship, my first ever and then lost my friends because he was so controlling …
being an introvert makes it harder for me but it gets better with age and becoming comfortable with who you are!
Im a mum now and make sure both my boys are socialised – we go on play dates as I can see my eldest boy being a little reserved and unique in his ways…
i think she will make friends in different stages in life but does she have cousins her age,neighbours? maybe she can join a group or two…local communities have fun courses – cooking, dance etc maybe she can meet like minded people?
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My eldest daughter is only 6 and already I can see that she isn’t very good at playing the social games that start as young as 3. Whilst I know it is going to be harder for her to negotiate the minefield that is high school, and I hope she finds kindred spirits, I also hope that she doesn’t change the way she is to fit in. Your daughter sounds like she has integrity, I hope mine does too! I don’t think my comment will have helped at all, but you are proud of her and now she is leaving the silly teenage years, those around her might start to mature and reach the same standard as your beautiful girl… It will get easier.
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I would like to say a big Thank You to everyone who has commented on my original post.
It is heartwarming to know that there are so many women of all ages out there who value true friendship, & give so generously of yourselves through this forum. It also tears at my heart to know that so many of you are still missing out on all the wonderful things a nurturing friendship brings to your life.
It is also encouraging to see that values such as respect, consideration for others & resilience are still alive & well.
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Travelling Mum, you sound like such a lovely person, your daughter is so lucky to have you!
In the past, I have had alot of issues forming friendships with people who hold the same values as me. I’m 24 now but alot of my friendships in my teens and early twenties felt very one sided; I was doing a lot of the contacting, doing what I could to maintain the friendship without getting a whole lot in return. It was downright disheartening! I used to be very open and wear my heart on my sleeve when trying to make new friends, but I found that being let down and taken advantage was a common thing. As someone who always wanted to “keep the peace”, be the nice girl, help others all the time, I often used to think ” Who’s looking after me?”. It literally used to keep me up at night.. am I not good enough for people to want to spend time with me? I remember once sending a text to myself saying “Hey, how are you?” just to check that my phone worked and so I could have a message in my inbox from someone other than my mum!
Well, all I can say is that times have changed ALOT since then. About 2 years ago, I met two girls during my uni course who are just great and I can trust/rely/depend on/who accept me unconditionally. I also have met lots of other people who I might not want to be as close with but are great to have in my life to go for coffee/pursuing my hobbies/work etc. In this process, I have also had to look really long and hard at the friendships (if you can call them that) that had to go. The ones where after catching up with them, you’re not buzzing up and down with happiness and energy at knowing you’re in their lives and they’re part of yours. Life is just too short and there’s no room in my life (or my phone) for friendships that no longer give you the same satisfaction and joy that they used to.
I’m sorry to be writing so much but what I would also say that finding those really quality friendships is a process which often involves having a good hard look at yourself. Why do I always feel the need to befriend the people with no other friends? Why do I think I’m not good enough for people to like me/ appreciate me for my awesome qualities? They’re not easy questions to answer but you often find you attract the right kinda people into your life by trying to get to the heart of the issue. My two close gfs are not perfect, but I know they are there for me and would do anything for me. That’s all I could ask for! The friendships took time to develop, they grew at a really nice pace and I couldn’t be happier to know they are in my life. I really hope I will have them in my lives forever. I know that your daughter will experience that someday and no one will be happier for her than you:)
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I like the idea of an activity or travel that others have mentioned but I’m thinking along the lines of ones that are different…something like traveling to a remote Aboriginal community and doing volunteer work, going to an orphange in Africa, be a nanny in South America, learn fencing or do a cake decorating class. I find when I go somewhere and don’t know people I really like finding out more about them and find it easier to keep a conversation going if there’s something unusual to talk about.
Another suggestion is ‘giving’ to existing ‘friends’. If your daughter can have the strength to adopt a ‘I don’t care if it’s not reciprocated’ attitude, maybe by dropping by a little care package when they have a cold or go through a hard time emotionally or even making some cakes and dropping them off as a gift of ‘I was just thinking of you’ might change their attitude towards her. There’s a Christian book called The Love Dare – which is about doing something each day for your spouse as a means of strengthening/restoring a marriage which you could possibly get some ideas from.
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This is such a difficult time of life. My niece is 18 and seems to struggle with the same type of thing. You expect a level of maturity by 18 that is perhaps unrealistic. A lot of game playing still goes on. It does change. I have the most wonderful group of friends now but it took me a long time to meet them and cultivate them. They are of all different ages and backgrounds. Hang in there. Stay true to who you are.
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I am your daughter. Friend to the strays, last option for a night out, wanting a bff so bad… And now I’m 30 and it’s still the same story it was when I was a teenager. Sometimes it sucks but mostly I have just gotten on with it. Though last year the person I thought was my bff dumped me.
Don’t feel sorry for me or anything, please, because I’m not. The bff thing, it was her issues that got in the way, not mine.
So how did I make it this far? Well having the hide of a rhinocerous certainly has helped, sometimes I get down about it, but you really do have to just develop a really thick skin and for me this took a lot of work. One thing I have observed about myself is that I wasn’t really into the whole superficial thing many people in their late teens/early 20s do (this sounds as if its true about your daughter too) and rightly or wrongly this just seems to automatically put you on the outer a bit. So sometimes I just got through by playing the game, but that was at the cost of mot being true to my heart. When I was your daughters age I also tried to be one of those girls who are one of the guys and was wary of female friendships because of their often caustic nature but soon learned that female friendships are really quite necessary and girlfriends of guys can be very distrustful of you (and sometimes even worse than a dodgy female friendship).
Now I am finding that by following my absolute passions and being true to my heart I am meeting people I have much more in common with and developing the deeper friendships I have craved for so long, it has taken me many years to get to this point though. I often think “if only I had done these things years ago”
Don’t worry too much about your daughter, she’ll make it through. I’m not so sure anyone that age has it all sorted anyway.
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Oh and the other thing that helped that so many others have mentioned here is traveling alone. And I stress the alone part. I met so many people and while the vast majority of them have not become life long friends we shared unique experiences that will never be forgotten. Traveling with even just one other friend you just don’t meet nearly as many people.
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I agree!! i too travelled in my early 20s and even lived overseas where i had NO friends …i slowly met some wonderful people and also my best friend Angela who sadly lives in the UK…wish we were close by!!!
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I was bullied all the way through my schooling: directly and indirectly. I did not make one friend at school that I’ve kept and sometimes that can be really heartbreaking. I went on to go to university and thought I found a group of girls that I could trust, stayed in the friendships for about three years and then they all turned lm me. I, like your daughter, do struggle with this but to be honest, my sister is my best friend and finally, I have made friends lately who (I might be wrong) might last forever.
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It would be nice to have a sister
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Making friends is about getting out there and being open to anything.
Joining sporting groups, getting into a share house, having a drink with friends from work, tagging along when others are doing things.
Age shouldn’t be a big deal either. When I was younger I made friends at work with women who had kids and were 10-15 years older than me and now that I am a woman with kids I am friends with the girls at work in their late 20s. (who else am I going to share my love of Gossip Girl and all things Kardashian?) It’s just about finding things in common.
You don’t have to be a drinker to go to a bar. I was never a big drinker and never had any money but spent hours in my youth in bars and night clubs chatting, dancing, watching bands, chasing boys and making friends. At 18 I would think that bars are pretty much where people hang out.
I guess the key is getting out on her own and getting some self confidence.
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I can definitely relate to how your daughter is feeling, and now that I’m a mother myself (even though she’s too young to be going through this yet) I can imagine how you must feel also. I’m dreading the day my daughter comes home and another child has hurt her feelings! (she’s only 5 months old now).
I always felt a sense of being a bit of an outsider in my teens and early 20s. I had friends, but none were very close or particularly loyal, and probably like your daughter, I wasn’t really into getting drunk and silly too so I was probably a bit ‘boring’ for them.
I went to uni and thought I would meet new people, but also never really met anyone special. After graduating from uni, I had been in a job I wasn’t enjoying for nearly 2 years, I was living with my parents in the suburb I grew up in, I was lonely and still had no close friends. Something snapped inside me and I decided I was going to do something about it. I went overseas to teach English in Asia and it was without a doubt the best thing I have ever done!! I always used to say it changed me, but it didn’t change me, it just made me confident in who I really am! I always felt that I was boring and dull growing up, as I think that’s how I was perceived because I wasn’t a wild party girl, but it opened up a whole new world to me and realised that just because I didn’t like getting drunk and going out to the local nightclub every weekend definitely does not mean I’m boring!
Ten or so years later, I’m married and a mum, and have a nice little circle of friends. It’s not a huge group of friends, but they are quality friends. People who I have things in common with and they are loyal, loving friends.
I think a lot of people find better friends once they’re out of that teenage/early 20s stage of going out partying. You meet people you have more in common with and you are more comfortable with yourself as a person.
I find now I also have less tolerance of people that aren’t good friends as I’ve gotten older, whereas when I was younger I would let people get away with a lot just for the sake of keeping the peace. One of my best friends favourite sayings is ‘don’t make someone a priority in your life if you are just an option in theirs.’ Love this!!
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meetup.com is a great website to find like minded people. I found my mothers’ group through there and I’ve also since joined a sewing group who meet once a month.
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I worry about my daughter who is now in her thirties and single with no close friends except her family and work friends that she only sees at work. She had a mild depression in her teens and is very sensitive still, the sweetest daughter I am so proud to have. She seems pretty happy in her skin, until her depression she was very social but couldn’t cope with friendships at that stage in her life. She has lived on the social fringe for years.
My young grand daughter is 15, has anxiety, it must run in the family because my mother was depressive also. My grand daughter has lots of friends and until recently, had some very close ones who have turned on her thinking she started a rumour about one of them. Completely untrue, she was only trying to help and it backfired on her. She has picked her self up again and has luckily realised the true friends are still there for her.
I know friendships can be fickle but when you see loved ones hurting, it’s not nice.
I suppose as mothers we just have to throw the comfort blanket over our kids when and if they need us.
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As a guide leader I often see girls who are struggling to make friends or keep them (although this is younger girls 12-14). I have never had problems making friends or keeping them so I sometimes find it hard to understand.
One thing I have noticed is that those girls who struggle are very intense. They take everything personally and want everyone to like them. I think my success lies in the fact that I don’t need everyone to like me, I certainly don’t ike everyone. I am open to people, I will talk to people, I have broad interests but if I don’t click with someone I move on. If someone messes me around I move on. But I am also very loyal to my friends and I work hard to maintain my friendships by regularly keeping in contact (face-to-face or phone call – not facebook)
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I agree with you Claire. I always joke that I’m anti-social but I’ve built up a really good circle of friends over several years. I used to worry about being friends with everyone but around 20 or so realised that it wasn’t worth it and now I just focus on the people I want to be friends with (who also reciprocate). Don’t waste your time on people who use you or are interested in things you aren’t. I spent too many Saturday nights when i was 18 in nightclubs listening to crap music. I hate nightclubs!! Never again!!
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I think your daughter’s situation with her ‘friends’ IS ‘out of the ordinary’, my friends and I would never dream of dumping someone we had made a commitment to for something’ better’! argh those bitches, how rude!
All I really have to say is that when you have different values and interests to other people your age, it’s hard…she’d not alone. I’m a first year uni student and I don’t go to a lot of the social events because everyone binge drinks and I have no interest in that, at all. partly because its a waste of money and you wake up feeling shit, partly because binge drinking and type 1 diabetes is verrrrry dangerous! It’s no fun when everyone is smashed and you’re sober!
There are people out there for your daughter, it’s just really hard to find them
I was lucky, I have mates who accept my ‘nana-ness’ and love me for it. If your daughter is in Melbourne, I’d be so happy to catch up for a coffee! No one deserves to be treated like her ‘friends’ treated her…gah I’m so angry at them and I don’t even know them! karma will come back to bite them on the arse, just you wait…
also, she’s 18, just a little younger than me, there are much nicer people out here in the real world
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I don’t drink either and it definitely makes it hard! Everyone wants to go clubbing and they have their birthday celebrations at bars. And then they talk about how drunk they got (wow what an achievement!) The best way I have found to deal with this is to put in an appearance early and then go see a movie or have dinner with another friend.
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Cee, let’s be friends please! yep, the early appearance is the winner! Luckily, when I do make myself go clubbing (like, once every 2 months if that haha), I have two friends who will always want to leave anywhere by 12.30, so we’ll go home, go to sleep and wake up fresh and chirpy! Last time I went out for uni I got badly burnt by a cigarette and a drunk guy spilled a pot of beer ALL OVER ME. worst night ever, gimme a movie night and fish and chips on the beach anyway please.
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Without sounding like a total b*tch I think part of the problem here is the naval gazing! Stop sitting around wondering where it all went wrong and get out there. You’ll never meet anyone sitting on your couch.
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Louise, I don’t think that’s fair. She’s not ‘sitting on the couch’. As one of the examples from the article states, she’s organising parties and people aren’t turning up. Not the same as sitting on the couch.
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Some great suggestions here!
I guess the hardest thing about being a parent is watching your child struggle. However, at 18 your child is pretty much an adult & you have to trust that what goes on in her life – the friendships she makes or doesn’t make – is entirely up to her.
I guess you just have to trust that the lessons she learnt from her previous friendships will be taken as a stepping stone as new people enter her life.
And who knows, maybe she will always be on the ‘outside’? But some of the world’s greatest writers, thinkers & speakers – some of the most successful & wealthiest people on the planet – some of the kindest & most enduring – were not popular with their peers.
Of course life is easier when you’re popular & have lots of friends. But REAL friendships take time (usually years) & effort, & although joining a social club is a great place to start, people are naturally attracted to those who dont NEED others.
So all I’m really saying is TRUST that your daughter will make the right friends in her own time. And if she’s not popular with her peers, who cares? High school’s over, baby.
At 18 years old, she has a million & one life experiences ahead of her. Just encourage her along the way & she’ll always have you as a friend x
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I made some of my best friends through share houses. Obviously having to pay rent is a drawback, but living with others, particularly if you’re all poor, is a great bonding experience. Plus you get to meet each other’s friends.
You’re a great mum for being so concerned and so supportive. I’m sure you’re daughter will have some very strong friendships because of your example.
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A bit of a long post but here goes….
By all accounts, people view me as a person who has got my shit together at 26. Well educated, polite, articulate, bought my own home, travelled a bit through Asia, well paying job etc. However, underneath I am barely coping to function as a normal adult.
Like Travelling Mum’s daughter I never got into the silliness that other kids got into. I was always incredibly mature as a child and was (still am) a big nerd. I got picked on in primary school and used to hide in the toilets which the bullies tease even more. I tried to build a friendship group around me with the other loners – the girl whose parents were so poor she wore torn uniforms to school, the foreign girl who spoke no English (I spoke the same native tongue as her), the girl with nits etc. Those girls eventually banded together and turned on me. I gave them all friends and I ended up with none.
In highschool I had a few friends but we were quite dissimilar. While most 15 year olds were going to gigs, listening to Triple J and reading Cleo, I was charting out my uni plans and listening to ABC Local Radio (yep, news junkie from way back). I had 1 person who I thought was a good friend. She ended up becoming very religiously conservative and told me she was sad I was going to hell for not believe in Jesus.
A second girl from high school, I thought was my best friend and for a while we were. But when we got to uni we started to drift apart. She would always have excuses about why we couldn’t catch up (and no, I wasn’t harassing her. I tried to set up monthly catch up dates) saying she was busy studying/working. Then I would see Facebook photos of her up until all hours. The final straw came when she posted a particularly vicious blog post about me full of lies that other people believed and I lost most of my Facebook ‘friends’.
Various MM posters have suggested some ideas and I feel like I have tried all of them. I have tried taking classes, talking to people at parties, bars, work functions. But every single time I try to initiate a conversation, it goes well for about 15-20 minutes and then the person gets bored. I can see their eyes darting away and at the first distraction they make an excuse to leave. Sometimes they don’t even make an excuse and just leave. I steer clear of minefield topics (religion, politics, constantly talking about myself etc) and talk about weather, sport, movies, them etc. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing wrong. Is it the way I look? The way I speak? Several of my friends (‘friends’?) have told me I am a boring person. I think they may be right.
The loneliness cycle is brutal. The constant abandonment and failed attempts makes me feel like it’s not worth trying so I don’t anymore which makes the loneliness worse. I live a very hermit lifestyle only venturing out of my flat to go to work or get groceries. I have seen doctors, counsellors, psychologists who have all told me the same thing – just go out there and talk to people. But I’ve tried it and it hasn’t worked. The number of people who really know me is zero. I am not close to my family at all so they cannot be counted either. I feel like I will never get out of this death spiral. Never to have a best friend, or even a good friend that I can trust, never to have a relationship (hell, I haven’t even experienced my first kiss, date, chat-up line).
So what is the point of my post? I guess just to answer Travelling Mum’s question – her daughter’s situation is not out of the ordinary.
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I’m sorry you feel this way.
Have you ever considered going travelling or working overseas? I lived in London for most of my 20s and found lots of similar people – fresh off the boat and not knowing anyone or any thing.
26 is a great age to go. You’ll meet other solo travellers in hostels, share houses and work. I wouldn’t recommend contiki or similar tours as they’re full of younger people with a big focus on drinking. but other organised tours might be ok.
Good luck! The world is a very interesting place and I hope you get to experience all it has to offer.
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Tartan skirt:
Travelling – tried that too. That led to said vicious blog by so-called best friend.
Working overseas – have considered it but the thought of uprooting myself to a new country is terrifying. The anxiety and fear that I won’t make any friends in a new city makes this option untenable at present. I feel that if I’m going to be lonely, I’d rather be in a place I’m familar with (at least that way I have my psychologist and counsellor nearby if my depression becomes uncontrollable again). Perhaps one day I will suck up the courage to do so.
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But the upside is you are young enough to uproot yourself ( no kids/husband etc yet right?) I moved to Germany when i was your age to live with my BFF he ended up kind of screw me which led to a year of terror and adventure. One of the best of my life. I’m a a total book nerd who sews and knits for fun, having said that i also dance and sing for a living. But you can be whoever you want when you go away and if people don’t like you well then tough biccies. I know it’s hard i still want every one to love me and it hurts when they don’t but my friends love and that is all that will matter to you as well. Oh did i mention i didn’t speak the language initially i had some hilarious getting to know you afternoons at bars in Berlin best fun ever. I also remembered a saying i heard once something like this think about the worst thing that could happen in a situation work it over in your mind, make sure you make it really bad and then when you find it doesn’t seem so bad you are ready to take on the world.
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Oh so sad for you ‘JUST LIKE ME’
I also felt really boring. people would describe me as shy. I used to be so in awe of others who held up conversation. I had people turn away from me mid sentence. When I travelled to the UK at 19 I particularly took notice of how others spoke to me and how they asked question after question and complimented me or joked with me about my accent..and I meanI REALLY took notice and copied their questions when I spoke to people. I found smiling and complimenting and asking lots of questions about them and giving a few stories of myself dotted in made people feel at ease, which made me feel at ease. I feel I can talk to anyone now and often walk around like I own the place. Well I’m not shy anymore. But it took a lot of observation and practice.
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As per Tartan Skirt’s comment, I wholeheartedly agree – but instead of London, why not go somewhere a little more offbeat, say a developing nation? There, you will more than likely meet a whole heap of expats and outward-minded locals who will accept you, welcome you into the fold, so long as you appear up for it and make an effort. Even when they inevitably move elsewhere, it will have built up your confidence in your social abilities.
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High school can be hard. I had a similar experience and was so desperately unhappy. I wish someone had told me to stick with the things I love and that others made fun of (as nerdy as they may be) because later in life I would find a bunch of people (for me it was at uni) who were equally as nerdy and who had the same interests as me. High school is not at all the be all and end all of everything but it is difficult to explain that to teenagers (I don’t know if I would have believed it at the time).
I think encourage her and support her in her interests. And hopefully after high school when she is not arbitrarily trapped with a group of kids her age who happen to live in a particular area, she will finally find people who share her interests and want to spent time doing activities together.
I was a floater and copped a lot of crap for not being in a permanent group at my all girls school but it means that now 15 years later I am better equipped for knowing who I am and what I stand for.
The minute I finished my last hsc exam, I mentally said see you suckers and really only kept in touch with a handful of people.
It’s funny. Going back to my 10 year reunion (only 8 people showed up – that’s just shows how much our year liked each other) I realised that some of the girls who came across really mean and horrible back in high school were actually completely clueless about how they were perceived and turned out to be lovely people.
High school is just a weird place. So arbitrary but means so much at the time. Everyone is so full of insecurities and just trying to fit in but not really knowing how and / or what to fit in to.
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I really feel for your daughter. Everyone just wants to fit in with their peers and be included in the activities others their own age are enjoying.
I really wanted to respond to this story when I had time to sit down and think about it a bit more. But I’m in a bit of a rush tonight, so here I go. I hope this all makes sense.
Great comments, I agree with everything everyone has said. I don’t have “the answer” only some suggestions, I hope they help.
I think it is really important to remind your daughter that you love her unconditionally and that she is not the only person that has ever felt lonely or like they did not fit in. As you can see from the comments here many people have felt like this at some point in their lives to a greater or lesser extent.
Try and stay positive. Remind her that this is just one stage in her life. Perhaps she could use this free time to her advantage by investing in herself and her future. If she could do a personal development type of activity, preferably with people her own age that may be helpful.
It’s nice to have friends of all ages and I’m sure that an older more mature person or work colleague would happily take her under their wing. But I’m sure she desperately wants some friends her own age so that she can enjoy the same activities that her friends do.
Maybe she could think about exercising it has so many benefits including increasing self-esteem. Perhaps start with walking.
If she already exercises perhaps she could enrol in a course of study that will help her get ahead at work.
Maybe she could apply for a second job ie. a casual weekend job where lots of young people work such as Woolies and save money for a unit or house deposit or for an overseas holiday. An employer would be impressed with her initiative.
If that doesn’t sound like fun, travel the world or work overseas for a year. It is a great opportunity to start afresh, meet new people and enjoy a different culture. Travel also looks great on a CV.
Having said all of that I think that it really is easier said than done and it all takes confidence!
P.S. Hire the DVD Muriel’s Wedding, it will give you a laugh if nothing else.
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That time after high school can be really hard. I think a lot of “culling” goes on as people start to form their own identities, meet new people, go to uni/tafe, move into the cities.
I would say to her, do what she loves and is passionate about, join clubs, hobby groups etc, she will meet people who are passionate about those same things as her. “Cut the fat” so to speak, those “friends” aren’t worth the energy (or grief).
Travel, Travel, Travel. She will meet so many people from so many different walks of life.
I am 32 and a cant say that I am really, true friends with anyone from high school.
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I am the grown version of your daughter- For me life experience and travel and confidence grew slowly over many years.
You get to a point in life where you eventually feel comfortable in your own skin- unfortunately there are lots of hurts and stumbles on the way.
It must be hard being the mum worry about your daughter missing out but as she is grown up now their is not much you can do but love her.
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in my experience – ie moving from bum-fuck nowhere to sydney and knowing NO ONE at all my age when i started uni – one of the best ways to meet people is through clubs and sports – you’ve got a common topic of discussion, and if they’re into the same sort of thing as you are, then they’ll probably be similarly nice/good to get along with
it is hard at first – i would just go up to random people in class, or at games etc and go “hi, i’m so and so, what’s your name?”. being open and friendly definitely helps, and asking other people about themselves – people like to talk about themselves – and then you’ve got reference points for the next time you see them! you can game it a bit too – i found it was good to start with a compliment, eg ” i like your dress/earrings/shoes, where did you get them?” again, it’s asking people about themselves, and also making them feel good about themselves!
all said, high school friends don’t necessarily hang around forever – generally people are friends at school because they’re the same age, in the same classes every day, rather than actually having anything in common or being able to “spark” off each other. You do go through transition phases in life where you shed groups or individual friends, either because you move, or theirs or your priorities change, or because maybe you never actually had that much in common in the first place other than the place you went to school/worked/whatever!
once you leave school, i found you start making friendships that are more solid and less based on what you wore yesterday, or the resident “cool” person deciding they don’t like you today etc.
best of luck to your daughter – she sounds like a lovely person, and hopefully things improve socially for her!
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I am in my 50s and never invite friends to my place.I only have my family over for birthdays.I never entertain at home.I only meet friends for coffee etc. Am I weird? Sometimes I think my friendships could be deeper if I invited friends over.I think I am nervous about entertaining people.My kids always have their friends over.
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I don’t think it’s weird.
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I think you sound happy in your own skin and there is nothing wrong with that.
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I did post on here earlier, but I’m on my iPhone so it could have been lost…
One thing about making friends (or partners) that my mum taught me and my brother, was to think of interesting things you can talk to people about or things you can ask people beforehand. Without sounding like your reading from a tele prompter! So when you do get out there in social situations you have interesting things to back you up if conversation dries up. I also read a book, ( that mum gave me) on how to read body language & what your body languages says. It really helped me read body language and adjust mine appropriately. Helpful hints to help you along socially.
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I really feel for you guys. As a 25 year old, I’ve really noticed young people seem to be changing in their attitudes in terms of courtesy & desire for instant gratification. Not all of them of course, but the ones with old fashioned manners seem to get left behind. But beeing a good person will always get you the furthest in the end. These nasty friends are probably peaking now while your daughter will go on to succeed.
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I read somewhere the other day (maybe the Sydney Morning Herald?) that the age group who reported feeling lonely most often was women aged 20-34. I don’t have any fixes for her (I’m pretty much in the same situation as your daughter, just older) but when I read that it made me feel a bit better that I know I’m not the only one struggling.
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are you my mother?? haha this could be me! i had some friends through school but we moved a lot and many of my friends were diplomat kids or expats so they moved too! Otherwise they ended up not being great friends or changing and having nothing in common with me.
After school i have really struggled with friendships and feelings of isolation/loneliness etc. I too have tried my best to be a good, loyal friend but find it extremely hard to find friends that are considerate, supportive and value me in the same way.
I seem to have a pattern of meeting people who seem cool, interested and nice and then turn out to be selfish, inconsiderate or treat me badly. Things like turning up 1.5 hours late with no valid reason, excluding me from gatherings because someone in the group doesn’t really like me, rarely initiating contact or trying to meet up, cancelling last minute (even on my birthday!) because they’re hungover, writing nasty things about me on facebook etc. When I try to express how hurtful/not cool this behaviour is, often they will dismiss it or say i am too sensitive/its not a big deal etc.
I just want friends who are as important to me as I am to them, who really value me, treat me with respect and consideration and really care! Are there any genuine people anymore who want real connection and loyal friendships or is everyone just concerned with using others to get what they want then leaving?
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I’m sorry your friends seem like shits, but it is great that you have expressed your displeasure and you are looking for the right things in people. Keep trying is all I can say and keep your standards high.
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We all feel lonely sometimes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbXWrmQW-OE
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Thanks for pointing this out. I really enjoyed listening to it – I’d never thought too much about the lyrics of this song before!
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I really feel for you and your daughter. This has been my whole life. I would go through phased where I would have a group I friends and then suddenly it would all go wrong. Stop being invited out, message called ect. I would cry myself to sleep most night wishing I could be accepted into any group.
Uni got a bit better but even then it was periods of friends, then no friends.
I moved to Melbourne 3 yrs ago and met my wonderful boyfriend who is lovely but his friends are all actors and they’re very cliquey, wouldn’t dream of spending time with me outside of large group events.
I would love to think it will get better and I will find some friends ( I’ve never had a best friend) but my mum is pretty similar in her lack of friends too. However I will say she was/is my very closest friend and from the sounds of it you are that to your daughter, and you will never know how much it means to her.
I have looked very closely at myself to see if it is something I do and I suppose the only thing I would say is I am a bit of a pushover and I suppose after so many years a bit ‘desperate’.
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Times have indeed changed and people do check out their options unfortunately. They often don’t think about the effect on others. It has become a selfish way of life.
I would suggest getting involved with groups where people of similar interests gather. Perhaps a photography club, cycling group, dramatic society or dance studio. Depending on your daughter’s interests, she may find groups of people of all ages that she can relate to and from friendships with.
Sometimes if people do not fit into the ‘cool’ category they are ostracized. My daughter was abandoned on her first day at high school by primary school friends because they said, ‘We are cool and you are not.’ I’m not quite sure why she wasn’t cool and who decided that! She is gorgeous and smart and funny. (of course I’m biased!)
Fortunately, she had a circle of friends outside of school based around her youth group and family friends.
As they have become older, high school behaviour has unfortunately continued into the 20′s. My own 20′s children steer away from groups who treat each other like this and have formed friendships through sport and young adult group activities that involve an open door policy. By this I mean the events are publicised and everyone is invited. Also the almost obsolete RSVP is actually given!
Having a strong sense of self and realising that those who behave like those high school cliches are not worthy to be your friend is a good start.
Find people who share your interests and who treat people with value and respect are the ones to seek out.
True friends are the ones who turn up when they say they will and stick by you no matter what. When you find one of these hang onto to them as they are gold.
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I never had friends in school because I was weird and socially awkward. Drama classes, public speaking and particularly debating changed this fore. It wasn’t so much the relationships I formed with like minded people. It was more the confidence that came with learning to stand in front of a room and say what you feel, knowing that people are really listening to you. It made a huge impact on me. The thing that helped me was realizing that I had to teach people how to treat me. It’s not to say that having few friends was my fault, but it empowered me to create the change I wanted to see in my life. These days, I have so many friends I can hardly keep up with them all. Hope that provides some insight.
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So glad you have bought up this issue I am older 35 !2 kids still struggling to make friends! I am very busy with work kids running small business etc etc ! My eldest child just started school
Hopefully I meet some new people to hang out with ! Any ideas
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Mothers/ parents forums are a great way to meet new people. I recently joined one on Facebook which has mothers mainly in my local area. We meet up for play dates, Tupperware parties etc. there’s no pressure and have made the first few months of motherhood (especially late night feeds) a lot less lonely
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Anon, how did you find the forums on Facebook? I’m a bit of a technological goof!
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I really sympathize with your daughter as I often feel lonely even though I’m married with a baby, friends and a career. I think you have to take risks and put yourself out there by investing in the right people. I don’t think that the current friends value your daughter. I love the idea of a dating website for friends but practically I don’t think that’s the answer. It doesn’t sound like she’s sporty so maybe joining a book club or other group that has an activity she’s really interested. That way she can meet like minded people. Even perhaps volunteering for something she’s passionate about so again she can broaden her circles beyond these girls who clearly have different interests and expectations out of life. Tell your daughter she’s not alone though and that more people then she realizes feel the same as her. At least she has a wonderful mum to fall back on!
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Sports eg netball on a week night can be great. Also if she could go to university and do some study. Many lasting nerdy relationships are formed ther!
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Jo – normally I would agree with your idea of netball but unfortunately, these children in adult bodies play netball too. My best friend and her long-term boyfriend broke up last year and she played netball with his female friends. They blamed her for the demise of the relationship and started treating her like shit. These people are masters at psychological warfare.
If Travelling Mum’s daughter is lucky enough to find a team or group that doesn’t have any of these issues to contend with, more power to her. She sound like a really lovely girl so I wish her all the best and hope she makes some new friends really soon!!
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Travelling Mum, some great advice here.
Just wanted to say to you that when you feel miserable about the situation and worried for your daughter, remind yourself that has something incredibly precious: a loving and engaged mum. Friends come and go throughout life but her relationship with you will sustain her always.
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Story of my life, and travelling opened up my heart and the world to me. Start small and build it up. I’m 29 now and am still surprised when people turn up to my parties, but now at least I have the balls to organise them!
Good luck! it will happen!
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Oh I really feel for her. I’ve had major friendship ups and downs, and teenage years can be excruciating in that aspect. When people are young and have a lot of options, they will often be really fickle. So she has to realise she’s not alone.
Does she go to university? That tends to group people with similar interests so it can be easier to make friends.
It’s extremely important that these so-called friends she pursues, knows that she is not a pushover. If she smiles, says it’s okay and keeps inviting them round, they will see her as a desperate fallback option. If it’s a case of cutting the friendship, then so be it. But she needs to show them she has dignity, and is not desperate for their friendship. They will respect her for it.
When it comes to making new – and hopefully lasting – friendships, I suggest treating it like dating. Because, essentially, that’s what it is. One needs to find someone else with a similar need – for new friends, for a wider circle – and treat it like dating. Start with coffee. Graduate to a movie. Graduate to dinner. Be selective about what you talk about. Don’t be afraid to let it slide after two “dates” if there is no chemistry. Be resilient about rejection. Understand that people, especially at 18, will likely already have full lives and might not have space, nor interest, in another person in their life. Don’t take it personally, just move on. Cast a wide net.
Good luck to her. And remember: she’s not alone.
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PS. What a wonderful mother you are!
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Thank you.
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my cousin went on a contiki tour alone at 18, and made friends for life!
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some of the best friendships i’ve made are with ex- workmates. and age doesn’t always prove an issue.
my first ever boss is nearly 20 years older than me and we are still very good friends some 15 years since leaving that job
I spent my 18-20 years working friday and saturday nights in a chinese restuarant. in a sad way it felt like socialising – which covered up the fact that I wasn’t going out to clubs with anyone but we often had after work get togethers in our uniforms which were great fun
I would suggest joining weight watchers as it’s a great way to meet other women, or join a book club/sports club/theatre group/cooking or language or art class/tennis or dancing lessons. I’ve tried them all and most people are glad to see a new face and include you straight away.
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It sounds like there’s a lot of people with this problem, maybe Mamamia should start a social site as part of their expansion – like the dating ones, but for friends.
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Or what about regular meetups? Perhaps designate meetup coordinators in various locations.
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