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Have you ever had THAT chat with your partner or your family? You know the one where you lovingly joke about what you want to happen if you died, what kind of funeral you’d want, and where you’d like to be buried or have your ashes scattered?
You know when you’re having this chat, that it’s not really a joke, and that quietly you’re tucking the information away in case you need it. Even though you promise yourself that it will be years and years away, so it doesn’t seem too real and too scary.
I know the music my husband wants played at his funeral. I hope I don’t lose the CD because the only thing I remember is that it’s Track 5. I will do something more permanent with that piece of information now though. Especially as CD players may be obsolete before I need it (or at least I hope so.)
My Mum died when she was 56. Years too young, and far too soon. Although she died unexpectedly, she’d been unwell for ages. Not dying unwell, but unwell. So when it happened, in our grief, my sister, Dad and I seized the opportunity to make sure that everything that happened afterwards was as perfectly “Mum” as we could make it.
Mum walked her own path in life and we celebrated that. We had artwork from her favourite artist on the funeral notice. Not being one for large gushy bouquets, we had a floral piece of lichen, berries and driftwood made for her coffin. Her favourite song played. We wrote the funeral completely. We carried her out. And we made sure that the nibbles for the wake were catered from a swish, catering company, as Mum always liked things done nicely. But what we were most proud of, was having a tree planted in the local Botanical gardens, overlooking a stunning view. It was a native tree with a plaque. My Dad and I went up one sunny Saturday morning with a cardboard box of Mum’s ashes, a shovel and lovingly buried her under her tree. She would have enjoyed that we did that, especially as my Dad was beside himself with worry that we’d get busted.
But sometimes even the best intentions can go wrong.
They got the name on the plaque wrong. My Dad is the nicest-man-in-the-world, so didn’t want to trouble anyone with a small detail like that. We did. And then the council people went and dug up the tree and shifted it. We had no idea where to. Just gone – pouf! Once again, Dad didn’t want to make a fuss. My fuss made up for the lack of his. “We need somewhere to go to visit Mum, to remember her, to have a chat, to take our kids”, I ranted. My sister said she’d sort it, and after some phone calls, she found Mum’s tree. They had shifted it to a damp, dark place with no view and in the part of the Botanical gardens that you don’t feel safe, nor like visiting.
My clever sister has decided that this plan isn’t working, and we need a new one. She’s come up with a plan so we’ll have somewhere to go and visit Mum, to remember her, to have a chat, to take our kids. Mum’s parents and two of her sisters are buried in a gorgeous little cemetery in the countryside at the base of a range of mountains. She’s always loved this spot. So we are going to have a small, bronzed plaque, commemorating Mum with a nice Mum-like quote, placed on her family’s head stone. It’s very Mum. She will be so happy there.
We’re relieved that although we didn’t know exactly what our Mum wanted when she died, we kind of got it right.
Don’t put off having that chat. Ask directly, ask subtlety, ask jokingly. Just remember to ask. While you have a chance.
Are you planned when it comes to these sorts of arrangements for family? What have you told your own family?
Comments
52 Comments so far
My partner knows that I want to donate my organs, but we haven’t discussed anything other than this. We bought a house together recently and need to organise a will each. This is a good reminder, thank you.
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I’ve really only had the organ donor chat with my hubby and two older children (my 13 yo by default as he overheard my discussion with the 21 yo). I do know that hubby wants a completely non-religious service and wants to be cremated. I saw an article in the paper about a guy who does coffins essentially in recycled cardboard that he paints up with something significant to the deceased, with beautiful mural type images. Hubby has expressed a desire to have one of these as they are a very environmentally friendly option. Hubby doesn’t seem to be as comfortable asking me about my wishes in this. He does know however that if I ever have a peg-feed inserted (a way of feeding someone directly through to the stomach) that I will come back and haunt him! I worked in aged care for a long time and do not want this!
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When my mum died suddenly at 54, it fell to me, my dad and my brother to make all the decisions. Mum had an envelope in her jewelry box with a poem she wanted read at her funeral, so that helped.
Six months later dad died, also suddenly, at 58. I was actually worried we’d find some shocking requests we would feel obliged to comply with. I remember growing up he joked that when he died he wanted his body send to the ATO with a note saying “you’ve taken so much you may as well take what’s left”. Typical dad humor, his will was in his study labelled “not to be opened until I cark it!” . Again, thankfully no big surprises. Dad was a committed atheist, so we made sure to have a graveside service as we knew dad would not be impressed to be given a church-based send-off.
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I have thought of my own funeral , because I like organizing things haha. I am not religious and have no idea if I want to be cremated or buried.
I know I will be dead but the thought of being eaten of maggots grosses me out . But being burnt is so final. I am so stubborn .
I want it to be a happy day , I do not want people to dress in black and play depressing music either.It should be to celebrate life , not become depressed.
But I hope I will die a grandmother , and until then I want to live my life.
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Oh yes I have had that chat. And I’m glad my father had that chat with me too because when it came to organising his funeral I knew exactly what song he wanted played along with other things.
I know what songs I want, I know I want a slideshow of photos played and I might even have a folder on my computer with said photographs.
The one thing I don’t like the thought of being stuck in a fridge for several days only to end up burning in an oversized and over heated oven. But if my medium friend is to be believed apparently I won’t fell a thing
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My husband has terminal cancer – he’s now out lived the 6 month prediction by one month and two weeks (but who’s counting – we are!). He was diagnosed two weeks (and on Valentine’s Day!) after my mother had died. So the funeral dicussion has been had a lot lately. He said he doesn’t care – he won’t see it. He feels it will be more for me, family and our friends. I have actually already seen the funeral director and everything is organised. That way I won’t have to try and think about details when I am at my most sad. It didn’t cost me a deposit or anything, they are happy to just keep the details on record until we call. My darling husband had one request – he wants to have one of his own songs played at the end. So he’s been busy recording it on our little cam corder. I know it will break everyone up (including me) but they will get to see his smile and cheeky ways one more time. A funeral is a way to remember, make it special but don’t make it the most important thing. The last 7.5 months have been the special thing! So make everyday with your love ones special – you never know when it may be the last.
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Kirsty my heart breaks for you, but at the same time I’m so happy that you have had extra time with your husband. I hope you have many more days, weeks and months and when the time comes you’ll know you both lived with love in your hearts and appreciated every single moment.
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When I pop my clogs, I honestly don’t know whether I wish to be buried or cremated. I’m honestly not afraid to die, but I’m I do have the fear of whoever it is who pronounces me deceased getting it wrong.
It gives me the conniptions thinking that I might be buried alive or suddenly spring back to consciousness as the temperature suddenly begins to rise.
Was watching Joan River’s reality show the other day. The episode featured Joan casually scattering the ashes of her best friend around his favourite Hollywood haunts. She left “bits” of her friend outside of the shops that he loved, his favourite hotel and on the dancefloor of his favourite gay bar. Those gathered to enjoy a drink were invited to dance to his memory.
If I am cremated, I hope that someone with scatter bits of me at QPAC. Front row, centre. I’ll never have to subscribe to anything, ever again.
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I’ve had this conversation with my mum and grandma at least a dozen times. Which my mum finds a bit odd that I am so up front about it. But hey – dying is a part of living.
I can’t decide between being cremated or being buried in a natural bush plot… I have to look into which is less damaging on the environment or even donating my body to science, organ donor if they can take anything – whatever will be most useful!
As for the funeral, absolutely no religion. A mountain of cakes. Bright colours and “See You Later Alligator” and “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life” booming out.
Mum wants Paul McDermott singing “Throw Your Arms Around Me” live. I might have some problems in getting that happening!
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I have Paul singing that song live, on CD. Want me to send it? Might be the next best thing… But still wishing you and your mum long and happy lives!
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I am an organ donor and that is all i care about. I actually would be quite happy to be chucked in a pit and covered in limestone ( very Amadeus) I think it matter more to those left behind you how they remember you. My nonno, who was my hero, when he died we were all devastated. Nonna made the funeral her way which is fine except some how his humor crept in. He used to say my nonna had three strands of hair yet she bothered to dye it and perm it so at the rosary the night before her hair had divided into three tufts a little like Krusty the clown that coupled with the old lady behind us SCREAMING hail mary’s behind us and my sister and i were worthless. Then the next day we were late for the funeral ( he always told mum we would be) the hears went to the wrong house and the woman who lives there is a million years old so i wish i had seen her face when they rocked up and said so we are here for the funeral( ha a little bring out your dead, i’m not dead yet) Then when we got to the church we had chosen to wear all black, on a 30 degree day, to fit in with all the good Fiumani. Only to find we looked like a flock of freakin’ crows every one else dressed for the weather. The hilarity continued by the gravesite as the funeral director was my nonno’s friend he had asked if we wanted the crucifix from the coffin as they don’t bury it apparently. My sister has said yes but to our horror the coffin was being lowered with it still attached. So we tried to subtly get his attention and finally less subtle he stopped the mechanism about half a metre in and jimmied the cross off the front with a screw driver!!. The only thing missing was nonno used to always say he wanted springs out under his elbows in the coffin so when you opened the lid he would stick both thumbs up at you in a “up yours” kind of way. Any wonder with my twisted sense of humour i told mum we had picked a song for her funeral she asked what and i said “ding dong the witch is dead” and we fell out laughing ( my mum knows i adore her and will probably lay down and die when she does). I still think it is about the mourners with the exception of religious beliefs and bury v cremate and of course organ donation.
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My Dad was 50 when he died after a year long battle with secondary cancer. The day I moving home for good to be with him for the last few weeks or months turned out to be the day he died. We had planned to talk to him about what he wanted for his funeral that weekend. So in the end we tried and I like to think that we got it right. We held it in the large hall/community cinema that sat next to his Billiard club that he had been a member for 33 years.
I’ve since talked to my partner and he knows my wishes when I die … donate my organs if they are viable and I am to be cremated. I in turn know that he wants to be cremated also. When Dad dies my mum bought my sister and I each a double plot that sit next to Dad’s resting place and her space.
My sister and I have also talked about what she would like. Down to the music she wants and how she wants the ashes of her first dog teddy placed with her
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I was recently widowed when my 35 year old husband died unexpectedly from a previously undiagnosed heart defect. We had never discussed the wishes of each other in relation to services etc.
I think the point is not if you don’t give a toss what happens at your service, and the desire to be (or not) an organ donor is possibly known… but if you document or discuss what you want you save a grieving person a lot of distress.
I was in the position of having to make all the decisions on my own. This is very difficult when you have just lost your husband and best friend of 14 years (particularly as I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time). The pressure to ‘get things right’ is immense. I still worry that choosing a cremation was wrong (which may be why I am unable to organise a memorial/internment/scattering). I worry that the songs were wrong. I worry that my husband would have disliked what the ‘celebrant’ said. I worry that I am making the wrong decisions in terms of the house, the car and my unborn children.
If you haven’t had the talk, please have it now. Also set up your wills – I had never thought that it would be that big a deal to sort out all the bits and pieces as there are no people to contest ownership, but it is very stressful regardless.
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So sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you’re doing OK. And I’m sure if you made decisions with love, they were the right ones to make.
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My nana passed away, and requested to me not long beforehand she really wanted to be buried with her mother. According to her years old will however, it said to be buried with her husband… and so she was. It was very hard on me as we were close, and I felt it was not what she wanted and I couldn’t let it go. I have seen a clairvoyant (only 1 specificly highly recommended one) and I felt the need to see her again months after the funeral. She immediately said my nana’s first name, told me she was right beside me at that time, and that she didn’t want me to worry anymore, as she was happy. Regardless of what we believe with clairvoyants etc, I think what I am trying to say, is that I think after we pass all these things that we worry about aren’t really things that they will worry abut, if you know what I mean. I think you did the best you could, and as vegas said below, your decisions were out of love, though I am sorry it was extra stress for you xox
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So sorry for your loss, I’m sure you have made the best decisions possible and your husband would be happy. I hope that you are ok.
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My wife and I have made “Living Wills”. The kids have a copy of this. This lists who we are, what we want when we go, where everything is, who to contact, what everything is worth, where’s the paperwork. For example, my wife wants a church service, me, I couldn’t give a toss! (Problem if we go together – she inside the church, me outside!)
Another problem – the kids know all – banks, accounts, passwords, mistresses, the lot – we HAVE to stay friendly!
But apart from the grim news, it’s a good way to keep track of where everything is and where to find things.
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I’ve always said I would rather be buried than cremated because people will have somewhere “real” to go. My younger brother passed away over 20 years ago and he is buried and I just feel a closer connection to visiting him and my grandparents than my other family members who have been cremated.
Is this strange? Perhaps not everyone feels this way. So this is one of the reasons why I’d rather be buried. Although I have to say they’ll have to stop burying people eventually.
It’s definitely a good conversation starter. Great article.
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My Pop’s ashes are in a rose garden in Pioneer Park in Leichhardt. I loved living there and going past, even on the bus, because I knew he was there and could say Hi.
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That’s really nice Kris, I’m not sure why I feel this way I guess we’re just used to whatever feels normal and having someone cremated just feels like they’re even further away… which is weird I must admit. It’s not like I can reach out and touch them whether they’re buried or cremated anyway.
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Lisa – I love this post. Thank-you.
My Mum died almost 2 years ago now (seems like only yesterday). We, too, felt an enormous responsibility to do things “just as Mum would have liked them”. Mum didn’t want an elaborate coffin, she used to say she just wanted a pine box so, we organised a very simple, classic coffin with no varnish, just polished to a simple sheen. She loved old fashioned pink roses so, we had a gorgeous arrangement on her coffin. I organised all her favourite songs to be played at various moments – Enya, Sarah McLachlan, Sarah Brightman etc. She treasured her photos of the family so, I organised a presentation, again to her music. She used to love getting together with family and friends in the old days so, we had a very lively and fun (yes!) wake for her – sort of like a reunion. She hated all the huge concrete monuments so, she was laid to rest in a lawn cemetery. Her grave backs on to a large native garden and is just beside a bubbling creek. She can’t be “built out” (!) and we like to think she has “water views”
It’s a beautiful and peaceful place. We all tried so hard to make the day exactly as she would have wanted…and it made us feel like she was there with us.
Mum was sick and only 66 when she died. We knew that she wasn’t going to be around forever but it was still a shock when it happened so suddenly. Dealing with the grief and organising everything was very hard. Since then, my husband and I have organised our wills including details on our funerals – the chapels, the songs we would like, plots where we are to be buried (we bought 2 next to Mum – 1 for us and 1 for my Dad). I just don’t want to put this burden on anyone… I’m only 42 so, people think it’s pretty morbid that I have done this, but it has given me a sense of relief that my kids won’t have to agonise over these details…they will be free to add whatever personal touches they wish…so I guess this is my way of making things a little “easier” for them.
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My friends always joke about my embarrassing obsession with Shannon Noll and I’ve said that’s what I want playing at my funeral so it will make the laugh at my terrible taste in music.
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One of my husbands friends died of breast cancer shortly after her 40th birthday. Before her illness her and her family were an average family. After her death, her husband sank into a long term alcoholic haze and was living like a pig, not looking after their kids properly at all. As they live in SA and we don’t we don’t see them often, so I was very upset when I saw how they lived and actually ended up telling him that. Good friends of all of ours told us that DOCs ended up being involved with that family.not a way to respect your partners memory. When I had to have brain surgery last year, I remembered this, as my husband was going to pieces somewhat over it and reminded him not to do the same thing, particularly as my older kids were complaining he was sitting around drinking a lot. So I think what happens after the funeral, particularly when kids are involved is just as or more important than the actual funeral.
That said, I’ve made my wishes very clear and wished to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in port Phillip bay where we used to holiday. Same with my parents. My hubby’s undecided because he’s lived around most of the capitol cities.
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Burned not buried, organ donor. Apart from that I don’t mind. I think funerals are more for the living to say goodbye so whatever choices my boyfriend and mother makes will be fine. They know my favourite song, colours and beliefs so I’m sure it will be lovely.
Mum has her wishes registered at a funeral parlour and my boyfriend doesn’t care except for cremation. Due to a few deaths in our family, we’ve had this conversation many times.
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I would encourage everybody to document exactly what they want for their care should they be unable to make those decisions for themselves. My MIL refused to discuss it, and now that she has been declared incompetent, we are making decisions based on what we think is the right thing for her. Unfortunately, in her state she doesn’t agree, but it doesn’t matter what we do, she would never agree. If it had been documented, then we would have been able to carry out her wishes, regardless of what she says in her current state with dementia and brief moments of lucidity.
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My dad and I have had “the chat”. It was quite straightforward and not at all upsetting. He wants us all to wear his football teams colours to the funeral and wants the team song played as the curtains go round the coffin. My brother and I know the details and we know where the ashes are to be scattered. I think it’s good that we know in advance because we can talk about it.
My instructions are all written down somewhere. I’m having ABBAs Waterloo as my ‘going away’ song!!!
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Mum arranged her own funeral so I wouldn’t have to do it. She knew she was dying, and fell sick very shortly after we buried my dad so I am very thankful she did that for me. We never discussed where their ashes should be scattered, and after years of my parents being in a ‘box’ in my house, I decided to scatter them together in the front garden. They both loved gardening and our family house so it seemed appropriate – cant believe it took me sooo long to figure it out!
Hubby and I are both organ donors and want to be cremated, he wants to be scattered over the ocean where his mum is, but I dont want to be placed there. Makes it hard as I want to be with my hubby, but that just doesn’t feel like the right place for me.
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This is really great advice but I’d also add that we all need to be discussing with our loved ones what action to take if we are incapacitated – say, by an accident. Things like at what stage would you wish to have your life support turned off or whether or not you wish extensive measures to be taken to keep you alive or resusitate you (kind of like a DNR order).
Both my parents have a ‘living will’ which basically sets out their wishes in the event that they become unable to make decisions about their care. This could be through dementia, heart attack, stroke or any other event.
When you are in shock and/or grieving it’s really difficult to have to think about these things and I think in some ways it’s relieving your family of the burden of having to decide for you – much easier for them to be able to refer to a clear instruction than have to worry about whether they made the right choice or not.
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god, yes. Had to make that decision for my Mum, hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Still not sure I made the right decision.
Sorry but I think I need to have a little weep
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It’s called an advanced health directive or some such and is a legal document. You make one out at a lawyers. It can basically shut down any grieving relatives when produced so that they cannot override a family members previously stated wishes. Doctors will accept it and institute a NFR (not for resus) order) immediately.
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My husband and I recently had this conversation, a very close friend’s brother committed suicide, which prompted us to have some pretty big deep and meaningfuls, particularly as I’ve been having some mental health issues lately. It actually completely changed my husbands perspective on funerals and death, this was the first funeral he had ever been to, so that really affected him. We’ve only been talking about it at this stage, but i really want us to write our wishes down so we don’t forget. When my Pa died my Nanna was really upset because she couldn’t remember what song he wanted at the funeral, i don’t want either of us to forget.
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-I am an organ donor. They can take anything that’s useful.
-When I die I want to be stuck in a tree in the bush for the birds to eat (a bit like the Parsi’s Towers of Silence) . Although if they take my organs I won’t be much of a meal.
-My poor husband can’t listen to Golden Brown by the Stranglers without feeling sad, it’s on my funeral list.
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My brother and I have discussed the need to find out what my parents want to do, as they have very solid links in 3 different towns. This provided a great opportunity for hubby and I to discuss what we would want, so that’s all sorted now.
We both wanted exactly the same thing… definitely organ donors, and then whatever’s left to be cremated and our ashes scattered in a special spot we have picked out at the family farm. Neither of us are big on ‘going to visit the gravesite’ so there won’t be any plaques… only people who know us will know we are there. And we want the service to be very low key and about celebrating our lives.
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Oh my god – that is exactly what happened with my mum’s ashes/tree/plaque etc in the botanical gardens of my home town – except I was the one terrified of getting caught!!!!
I still go there to visit whenever I am in town but I just go with the idea that her ashes were spread throughout the gardens through the soil, breeze and rain so whenever I want to feel close to her I just go and sit in a beautiful quiet spot anywhere in the gardens.
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The exact same thing happened to us (a chair, not a tree though) and while we were right in the middle of doing the burying, someone we knew walked past and came over to say hello! We had to hide half the ashes in my handbag until they left! Very stressful, but my Mum would have found it funny.
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Donate whatever body parts I can, I think my hubby knows me inside out and would know I’d want everything simple and white & also the song. I have no idea what he would want because he hates talking about it, but I also know him too well & he’d say “anything you think will look good”
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definitely organ donation – heart, lungs, liver, eyes, whatever they can take – i won’t need it any more, someone else can use it – if i’ve put in the care and effort required to stay healthy, i’d like to share the benefits around!
of course, not all organs qualify for donation – so, scientist rant – i’d probably also donate for medical research. this can be anything as drastic as having your entire body fixed in fomaldehyde and used as a specimen for medical and anatomy students (slightly confronting, yes, but it benefits the next generation of doctors and also you get a free funeral at the end of your “tenure”!) to having individual organs donated to research labs.
couple of the other students i know work on human tissue for cardiac and neuro research, and they have REALLY limited sample sizes, cos people just aren’t even aware that it’s an option – often, one organ may not be suitable for transplant donation whilst everything else is, and that one organ can go to research to help cure things like heart disease, liver cancer, and nervous system infections/injuries.
bascially, there’re more uses for bodies than you might think!
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My mum is always reminding us that she is to be ‘donated to science’. All six kids know, and relevant forms at the university signed. I believe it will be her last act of martyrdom – ie not being a burden (financially – for funeral costs, she doesn’t have money, and to spare us organizing anything)! Secretly, I believe she would love the full mass and pomp, but who am I to go against her wishes??
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that’s very awesome, what your mum wants
it’s a selfless, caring thing to donate to medical science. and you can still do a big memorial service, just without the cost of the casket/burial plot etc (that feels like a really weird thing to say, but i know from when my nan passed away, they were the biggest expenses. it weirds me out how much of a “business” funerals are!)
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Thanks Angela, your comment has just made me realize how great my Mum is.
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After my cousin died a couple of years ago, very young and very suddenly, I immediately wrote up a document detailing all my last wishes and saved it on the computer. Just prior to this I heard a radio interview with someone from the Alzheimers Association saying that they would encourage people to donate their brains for research – this has to be done through their website as a separate thing from normal tissue donation so I want to do this as well as any other bits of me the other donor services would like.
Definitely cremated not buried. I prefer the idea of being burned rather than decomposing.
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My preference would be to have a Catholic service and to be buried. I don’t much care what else happens at my funeral, as long as those two things are in place. Not picky.
If I ever get married and it falls to my husband to arrange my funeral, then I guess I’ll talk to him about it.
If I died tomorrow though, my parents would be the ones making arrangements. Unless they knew a Catholic service and burial was something I didn’t want, that’s what they’d do anyway. No real need for a chat with them about it.
Mum, however, has a song she wants played at her funeral and she reminds me of it from time to time. She’s convinced that if she goes before Dad, he won’t remember (he probably wouldn’t).
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I’d like every piece of me that can be transplanted to be used, skin eyes, whatever then the rest just cremated and binned. I’m not sentimental about my body, once I’m gone it’s not me, it won’t even look like me so no need to make a fuss about it! I would like a small bit of the ashes to be mixed in with fireworks and set off at my wake party. And absolutely no photo slideshow! Just good music, good food, the good people I knew and loved having a party while pretty fireworks explode up above.
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My husband and I have definitely had this conversation and included our teenage children. My husband and children have very clearly told me that they would like to be organ donors if this should be the situation. I was uncertain at the time as to whether I would be able to agree to this and told them so. However, it has now been 10 years since that initial conversation took place and none of them have ever changed their minds so I believe I could carry out their requests now if it came to it. I took my kids up to the local cemetary, again in their teenage years and asked them never to put me in there and told them that I wished to be turned to ashes and thrown into the sea so that I could be carried on the tides to anywhere in the world. No need to come and visit a plaque or plot. I guess we all have our own ideas on what we want to happen to us but we really do need to have those conversations.
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I’m interested to know why you initially thought you could not comply with their requests to be organ donors? (I am genuinely interested, not being judgemental – I’ve not really thought about it from the point of view of the person who had to carry out the request).
I very much like your request to be spread in the ocean and your reasons, that is beautiful.
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I think its the thought of someone cutting up you child? Even though their spirit isn’t there any longer and there’s no way to bring them back these are the perfect little persons that you made and the thought of the donation process is confronting to say the least.
At least that’s what I felt when we first had the conversation with our 12 year old. Please let me know if I got it wrong. xxpt
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3 weeks ago I was at my own Mother’s funeral. 55, also entirely too young. At the wake, the word ‘perfect’ came up all the time when people were discussing how the funeral reflected her and her life. We knew this funeral was going to happen. She had some input into it, but wanted very little. My Dad, with some help from us kids, was mostly responsible for it. And people were right, it WAS perfect. I know she would have been happy with it, and also where we laid her to rest, even though she never saw it herself.
After that experience, I’ve decided that the people who know you best, know what they are doing. Whatever my husband and/or kids put together for me, is fine by me. The only thing I’ve said is that I do want to be cremated. My husband has said to me bury him the cheapest casket possible. And of course, organ donation is a given with both of us. Now THAT is an important conversation to have.
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My Dad has always said he wants his ashes thrown over Canal Rock, south of Perth, but only once Mum past as well so they can go into the breeze together.
Unfortunately my Dad has had to be very careful and re-did his whole will this year due to his first marriage and the two kids from that.
They haven’t talked in decades, so measurements had to be taken so the will was iron clad if they found out and disputed it.
My mum would not be able to handle that.
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Canal Rocks is a lovely place for that! I wonder if many others have thought of there?
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Hi Maggie,
I’ve had the unfortunate experience of working in estates law where wills are contested. Even though it seems you’re pretty aware of the risks, just make sure your father has taken every step possible to secure his wishes clearly.
It may even be worthwhile him passing on some of his major assets while he is still alive, because most ppl don’t realise that if a deceased person has children from a previous marriage, particularly children who are unwell or require any extra care, and those children contest it, then a court will override even a securely drawn up will.
It has always been an irk of mine that even where ppl clearly state reasons in a will for not including someone, if that someone is considered by a court to need the money, then the court will often override the person’s wishes.
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I don’t want a service or anything…nothing at all. R feels the same.
Oh, and burnt, not buried.
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I love the ceremony you had for your mother.
It sucks about the tree though. Any chance you could move it again to somewhere else?
I’ve tried to bring it up jokingly without success.
I’m worried we wouldn’t even be able to afford a funeral as it costs way more here in Switzerland to bury someone.
I’m in two minds about whether I want to be cremated or buried. Hmmm. Something to think about!
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