Ever had a friend whose partner you couldn’t stand? There are different levels of this. There are those who you just don’t get along with and then there are those who you worry are really bad news for your friend.
Either way, it can be awkward and compromising and can do untold damage to your friendship.
Louse* has just such a problem and would love some Group Therapy….
What do you do when you’re not particularly fond of your best friend’s partner? Do you “suck it up” and let her go, or have you said something ?
My best friend has been with a fellow for a few years now, off and on. Currently it’s “on” and looks like staying that way.
When they first met they were just friends as he was married, but after he and his wife split, they eventually got together and were a couple for about a year. Then his wife had second thoughts and wanted to come home. So, he took her back and my girlfriend went back to being single.
A few months later, his wife left again and he called my friend and they got back together. Again.
I’ve stood by her and supported her through all of this too-ing and fro-ing because she loves him, but he gives me the creeps and I’m not the only one who feels this way. A group of us have been out to dinner a few times and without any prompting from me, there were comments on just how uncomfortable he made the other girls feel and what a control freak he was/is.
He ordered for her, looked at her disapprovingly while she was eating (she’s no slob) and got into these little in-jokes, as if no-one else was at the table. He even books their holidays away, and ignores her wishes of when they go….and whenever I’m at her place and he turns up, I feel like I’m an intruder…Even my boyfriend finds him a bit strange, and that’s significant coming from another male. So, has anyone else been in this or a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it ?
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65 Comments so far
My best friend is a guy, but we’re ultra-close in a totally platonic way. He’s been dating a girl, now, for about nine months. He knew before they got together that she and I didn’t get along (I have issues with the way she treats people), but that didn’t stop him, and fair enough. I’d never try to tell him who to date, and I’ve even tried to be polite to her for his sake. The problem is, she’s obviously less concerned with putting him in an awkward situation than I am; she sends me unsolicited hatemail, logs onto his chat accounts to impersonate him and tell me he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore, bitches about me to mutual friends, ect. I try not to respond, for his sake, but it makes me feel really harassed and unsafe, and I’m losing my patience and resolve as time goes on. I’m really worried one day it’ll come to a very public, very dramatic head, and I’ll have a hard time maintaining my dignity.
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I was going to ask Mia to post something similar for group therapy, so I know how you feel.
You can’t win because your friend will always choose the boyfriend (or as in the case of my friend, marry him and have his child). If you let her know you disapprove of him and his controlling ways, chances are that her partner is going to find out about it and then say that you are a bad influence and she can’t be friends with you anymore. So if you want to keep the friend, you have to accept it and just keep reinforcing for her that she is strong and beautiful and if she needs to talk, you’re there for her.
Mia described an emotionally abusive relationship in her book (I’ve just started it) and said that she had to distance herself from her friends and family. Mia – I would be interested to know – did your friends say anything? Did they disapprove of Charlie? How did you react to that?
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I’m in a similar situation so much so that I’ve sort of had to let this friend go for the time being. I don’t hate the guy but I’m not his biggest fan either. He is pessimistic and I think he feeds her with a lot of negative ideas about me, so she looks at me differently now. She’s obviously influenced by him – they’ve been married for almost 10 years now. In a battle between bestie and the hubby, of course the hubby is going to win. They like me to tell them to their face when I have an issue with them, but when and if I do, they get offended. They expect me to understand their situation about being busy with kids blah blah blah, but when I am busy they say I’m “not keen” to meet up with them etc etc. I can’t win! So I’m just going to let them be. The ball is in her court.
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eugh, i’m in your situation! my best friend is dating a complete jerk for the 3RD TIME in less than 2 years, pretty much everyone else i know can’t stand him. he creeps me and my girlfriends out, my guy friends find him really odd but she claims he loves her and he’s in it for the ‘right reasons’. she knows how i feel about it and how much all the rest of her friends can’t stand him but she doesn’t care. she says she loves him and that’s enough. i can’t stand him, despite the fact he goes to my school (i’m in grade 10, i know it doesn’t matter on a hugely high level) and thus i have to see him every day. she doesn’t. i’m not the only one to say she wouldn’t want to date him if she saw him in that light. he’s older than both of us and he’s into younger girls, like, even some of the more slutty grade 7′s!! it’s just wrong!! i’ve held myself together and i tend to avoid spending time with them, all of my friends, guys and girls avoid situations where we are with them. it’s so third wheel it’s not funny… she’s met me in town and brought him along without telling me more than once, even when i request him not to be there specifically. she’s changing and really letting me down over him. i would never put a guy before her and i feel like that’s what she’s doing to me. our friendship isn’t the same and won’t be until they break up and NEVER go out again. it sounds like you have a much worse situation as your older and it seems your friend’s intending him to be around for a while… just watch out for her and spend time with your other friends or try getting her without him, like a girls only night with your girlfriends. best wishes to you and i hope she sees sense or it gets better in any way possible. it’s horrible to feel like your losing someone you love that much over someone else.
xxx
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I lost a friend due to her controlling, sexist, racist boyfriend (now husband). In fact she lost ALL her friends. He was extremely rude to all of us and was always telling offensive racist stories & jokes.
Now my cousin is married to an awful woman, who married him for a visa. She was so lovely before they got married and I was very excited because I am the only girl of my generation in the family (all male cousins and a brother). Finally I had a woman my age in the family. As soon as they were married she stopped talking to all of us. At events she sits in the corner and grunts at you if you try and have a conversation with her. I’ve tried asking if something is wrong and she just grunts at me.
Anyway, not much help other than to say I understand how it feels when a friend or family member is with someone you hate.
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I was once your friend with the creepy, controlling boyfriend. DO HER A FAVOR AND TELL HER THAT HE SUCKS.
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I think to raise daughters who don’t think that behaviour is OK, you need to demonstrate that fact yourself. I have a friend who quite frankly, has never had a boyfriend who has been much good for her. She was with one of them for like, a year and a half, and swore up and down that she loved him, and he was wonderful. Coming out the other end of the relationship, which it took him a good 2 weeks, if not more, to realise was over, I discovered that had I actually known what was going on in that relationship, I would have kicked his ass into the next millenium for the way her treated her. She swore to all her friends it was a great relationship, and although there were times we had our doubts (which we did mention to her, and which she always brushed off), when she broke up with him, we realised that he was manipulative and emotionally abusive, and she hadn’t said a thing about any of it to us, because she knew we’d try and make her see sense and break up with him, even though really, he loved her, and was a totally wonderful guy.
Her mum and dad have just gotten a divorce, after not having had a healthy, or happy relationship in years (possibly in my friend’s living memory). In the 7 years I’ve known her, her parents have separated a couple of times, and her mum has always ended up letting her dad come back, under promises of change, which last for like, a month, when they’re on a roll. When her mum has tried to get her shit together to leave him on several occasions, it’s all fallen apart, and he’s helped her get her shit together again (read: back to the way it was when it needed putting together), and she’s stayed because of that. As a result, my friend has no idea what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like, and from the bits and pieces I’ve heard, a lot of the thing the particularly horrendous boyfriend did were scarily similar to things her dad did that lead to her parents breaking up.
I realise that when you’re in a situation like that, it can be very, very difficult to identify it, let alone actually remove yourself from it, especially if there are complicating factors, like having kids together. Unfortunately, if you stay in that situation, it’s not good for anyone, and your kids are far more likely to end up in messed up relationships themselves, which is part of an incredibly vicious cycle. However, if, as a kid, you see one of your parents remove themselves from a situation like that, especially if they talk to you about it when you’re old enough to understand (a 15 year old is probably old enough to understand about an abusive relationship, and why you had to leave it, but even the concept of “Mum and dad love you very much, but they’re not happy living together any more” is probably quite hard hitting for a 5 year old), then even though you’ve been exposed to the unhealthy relationship, you’ve been shown a way of coping with it, and theoretically will be aware that sometimes, getting the hell out is the best option for everyone.
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Nothing worse than when you good friend has a partner who you or your partner don’t like. You can’t to the casual “hey shall we pop into Julie and Marks/ do you want to ask Julie and Mark over for casual bbq” etc, it is awkward and it’s just not fun. BUT, when you do find a couple where you LOVE your friendship with the chick, your bf really enjoys hanging out with the other guy, then it is a match made in couple friendship heaven. So when you do come across these couples you get totally devastated when they break up, or worse still, you break up, and you know that there’ll be more fun times with you not involved. But, if you find couples that you all love spending time together (not in a weird way!) then hang onto them for dear life and enjoy all that easy going, relaxed fun!
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This is all to familiar! My best friend is in a relationship that is exactly the same. Not only has this guy broken up with her numerous times, but has done a lot worse. The last time they broke up I told her what I thought of him, and then of course they got back together. Ever since then it has been awkward and our friendship is definitely not the same. It has gotten so bad that she recently pulled out of my wedding party (she was a bridesmaid) because I wasn’t including him in any of the pre-wedding events. It makes me sad, but I don’t regret telling her what I thought. I think she deserves better, but unfortunately she doesn’t.
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my best friend from uni (a guy), fell in love with my housemate’s sister. Confusing I know. She seemed nice, but no-one really got to know her. A few months in and she controlled him to no end. He wasn’t allowed to see some of his friends because the girlfriend was jealous of the other girls. He wasn’t allowed to do things that she didn’t approve.
Everyone jokes about it to him, but he just thinks the “you’re so whipped” line is a compliment.
No-one has said anything seriously, because he won’t listen. He’s that brainwashed that he thinks his life is going to be fine. Once he has cut all ties – he’s on his own. Everyone hopes they will break up to give him his life back. He’s turned his back on all his friends because she apparently NEEDS him around 24/7. It makes me so angry to see him waste his life away with this control freak.
I don’t understand why people think they can control others, and it’s hard to make the controllee realise what’s happening because they love their partner. The problem is if you do say something – could you be blasted for opposing their relationship? If you don’t say something you live with the guilt that your best friend’s life is going down the drain and you can’t do anything to stop it.
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Thank you all for your comments, advice and stories. I’m sticking by my friend no matter what happens. I honestly believe he has not been physically abusive towards her, if that were the case I would’ve intervened long before now, no matter what the consequences. As a friend though we all think our BF’s deserve the best and when their choice doesn’t appear to measure up, well, you start wondering what’s really going on.
He is a strange one, though. Just the other day I was at her place when he was there. I’m always friendly and ask him how he is etc, while he is always extremely cool. I guess I’ll just have to live with it and make sure I’m always there for her.
Thank you all again
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My sister and I were talking about this the other day, about these smart, apparently confident and wonderful women who let men treat them like this, and seem to believe that they don’t deserve any better. I think there is a FUNDAMENTAL issue of self-esteem going on. These women have been raised to believe this treatment is ok, or somehow they have got that message, and so they attract those kind of men. Those men then reinforce the message by telling them that they are lucky to have the bastard, couldn’t do any better, couldn’t survive without him, are fat/ugly/unattractive, and so on. Hear those things enough and they become pretty convincing. And because this is coming from someone who is supposed to love them, they think it must be true and won’t believe the opposite things being told to them by their family and friends.
How do we break this cycle? How do we raise our daughters and ourselves not to get into situations like this?
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As a friend you can only offer your support when it’s needed and remember that she is an adult and chances are, she does know that his behaviour is abusive but she may not be ready to deal with it yet.
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It really is hard – I have a close friend who has been with this guy for about 3 years, and I have come to the stage where I absolutely despise him, I cannot stand being in the same room as him and I can’t even stand to hear her talk about him. I’ve been watching him emotionally abuse her, treat her like absolute crap in front of their friends and family, then be nice as to me and the other girls for ages. It’s clear he wants to control her, and makes her feel like she doesn’t deserve any better. She’s a beautiful girl from a great family, is very smart and social, and works very hard, everything she does is for him which drives me crazy. She has completely fallen for his crap, and constantly makes excuses for his behaviour, saying he’s just tired from work/stressed/hungover/in a bad mood but I’m sorry, I just want to strangle her as it’s bullshit – he’s just an asshole, plain and simple. But she can’t see it. she kind of knows how I feel, she lost it with him one day and said she was sick of how he was carrying on and I took the opportunity to open up and tell her everything I thought, and it seemed she had taken it all in until the next day when she claimed ‘it was all her fault’ that she’d cracked it (he’d turned it all around on her, as he does), and bam – back to the same old thing. ARGH. So ever since, I’ve avoided him completely (and I’m pretty sure he knows it) and I only catch up with her alone, I don’t bring his name up at all, kinda act as if he doesn’t exist! My fiancé can’t stand him either and can’t believe she puts up with his crap. Advice wise – someone told me as long as she knows how I feel, all I can do is be her friend and be there for her if/when it falls apart (oh and try to ‘accidentally’ have a nice guy at our place when she pops in!). I’ve been honest with her and it’s gone nowhere, so I will just sit and see what she decides to do. But I can honestly say, if they got married I would be really disappointed. I know that’s harsh but she really really really deserves better. I know it’s not my relationship so i shouldn’t judge, but from what i see it’s a very toxic relationship and if i was in it, i’d definitely want my friends to knock some sense into me. Good luck!
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Yeah it’s a tough one – even my husband has tried telling her that the way he treats her is completely inappropriate & unreasonable, even from a male’s perspective. I try to avoid social occasions where alcohol is involved because I know I’ll get mouthy if I’m a bit pissy & tell him what I really think (and possibly punch him in the nose!!)
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Someone really close to me is in a relationship like that. He has a history of stalker behaviour, and can be very agressive. I breathe a sigh of relief when they break up… and then a fortnight later they’re back together. I think I may have handled it badly. He knows how I feel about him, and she knows how I feel about them being together.
So now she just lies about their relationship. They’ve been broken up for months now… but I know that she sees him often and talks to him on the phone.
If she’s trying to break away from him, he’ll call 50 times {no exaggeration} and when she doesn’t answer he’ll write the nastiest texts telling her what he thinks. My husband hates him too.
So I have no advice, but I can sympathise with you. I don’t know how we tell the people we love that they deserve better, and have them believe it. It’s so hard to just sit and watch it all go by. It just seems like such a waste of time to me, them being together.
Just know you are a beautiful friend for being so concerned. x
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I think in a lot of case it’s a lack of self-confidence or not truly believing that you deserve better. However, there are some (fortunately rare) men, or people I should say, who actually enjoy the control and power and don’t mind upsetting or dominating someone they proclaim to love to get it. They will so slowly erode the other person, that it’s hard to put a finger on it and it just builds and builds. It does unfortunately sound like this guy is one of those.
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Thanks Jodie. I completely agree with you, it’s great that we have learnt from it and can now have happy, healthy relationships with great guys whom we can truly appreciate. All the best to you too!
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One of my (male) friends had a long-term on-again-off-again relationship with a woman that none of us liked. Without going into details, we could not believe it when they announced their engagement (again). It all seemed so wrong. But then we heard the speeches they gave at their wedding reception. Seeing her through his eyes was a revelation! A totally different perspective showing that most of the things we disliked about her were exactly what he loved about her!! And he was right. She’s lovely.
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You’ve reminded me of something Perm 23. A friend of mine and I were talking about girls who always seem to choose the jerks. I had a friend like that. She was a very nice, friendly, sweet natured girl (and not to mention pretty) but she ALWAYS dated the dickheads. She eventually married one, and they ended up divorced about 2 years later. She’s now in another relationship, but took things very slowly with this one. I’ve not met him (she lives interstate), but according to my friends, he’s a keeper. Thank goodness. But I don’t know why some people just continually make bad choices.
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Well written and well said, Peanut. I’m sorry you had to go thru what you did, but I think it’s great you got the strength to get out when you did also. I know so many women who have had bad relationships, me included, and I think it’s the fear of the unknown of what else is out there a lot of the time that keeps us in them. My first serious relationship was a very destructive one, but I did learn from it, and it enabled me to assess far more quickly after that if a relationship wasn’t worth being in. All the best.
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I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend who stole away all my self-confidence and controlled me. My friends couldn’t stand him and staged an intervention where they basically said they didn’t want him coming along anywhere that I was invited. It was really embarassing at the time (of course deep down I knew what was happening and was ashamed, but had been so weakened) and I felt further isolated. It took me another few months (and some ridiculously bad treatment I could no longer excuse) to get strong enough in myself to pull myself out of the situation, but that time was so hard as I didn’t have anyone except for him, which is what he wanted all along.
As soon as I woke up and walked away, my friends all reappeared. At the time this tactic was really hurtful, but it did make me consider that, no, despite what he said, I wasn’t crazy and paranoid, he *was* ttreating me very badly, to the point that it was obvious to everyone. It did give me the evidence I needed in my head to decide that he was wrong and I wasn’t. His own best friend eventually stepped in and told me he didn’t deserve me, and that was the night I left.
It’s so hard to watch someone lose their sprakle with a partner who doesn’t see how special they are, or at worst, resents and destroys it. I would be there for your friend, but limit the outings to one on one. She will eventually see the light, but it’s something everyone has to go through and get to themselves if they’re going to make it stop. These bad relationships are like a cycle of dependency and addiction. You have to want to stop yourself.
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‘just your run of the mill dick’ – love it!
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I recently got a text from a friend announcing her engagement to a guy I recommended she leave! She had come to me months earlier saying how she had doubts about marrying him and was taking a break; that he didn’t connect to any of her friends or interests – I said “when you love someone you should be excited to marry them and not have those kind of doubts”… And then the text. Awkward. What will I say at the party?!
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I have 2 friends since my 20′s who married complete douchebags who are totally beneath them, and until the day I die, I will not understand what they see in them. but, for the sake of friendship (which has become strained at best) I have not said anything, but it goes without saying, I am not very good at hiding my true feelings! I dont see them much anymore (one couple have moved interstate), and when I do, the husbands dont come or arent there when i go, which I am glad of. When I do see them, I am pleasant to them, but thats about it. The trouble is, i reckon they both know they have made mistakes, one especially, who is a very proud person and would never admit to me she is in trouble, has already come to me in tears a few years back saying she hates him and wants a divorce… the solution? a third child. I get the impression she feels stuck now with 3 kids, no job and no where to go. They were engaged 2 weeks after their first meeting and married a year to the day that they met, and i don’t know why they rushed into it, they don’t seem very happy now. but who am i to judge? they might be blissfully in love and I am totally off the mark…
there isn’t much you can do really, but if there is abuse involved, then I think I would be inclined to intervene. My situation is that I think they are morons, but generally not horrible people.
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I’ve been there too! My now ex-friend had two relationships like this. The men basically controlled every aspect of her life – they even totally ignored the fact that she was on the brink of being hospitalised from anorexia. With the first one I said something and eventually the relationship ended. With the second one I said a couple of small things and was quite cold to him and she ended the friendship with me! I hear now they’re married… No solutions here, just sympathy!
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If this guy was just your run of the mill dick, then I’d probably say, keep it to yourself and don’t risk your friendship. But what he’s doing is controlling and dominating and that’s domestic violence. Who knows what is happening behind closed doors. Its probably best that you don’t just tell her you don’t like him. Get her out somewhere (coffee shop or whatever), so that he can’t turn up, and try and get a conversation going about her relationship. If you tell her straight out what you don’t like about him and what he is doing she will probably go straight into defensive mode and that is not what you want – it will drive her closer to him and his control which is probably what he wants. Its best to tell her you’re worried about her and want to make sure she’s okay. Its always good to know you have a caring friend out there.. good luck
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I can totally relate. Unfortunately, I have no answers. I think needy women (and men) tend to pick dickhead partners. It’s hard to watch someone be with a major loser / deadbeat, it’s often easier to avoid them. And it does cause a wedge.
Is there a way of suggesting (subtly) that maybe she should look closely at the way he treats her. Without being overt. And tell her you’re bringing it up only because you care, not because you’re meddling or anything?
Unfortunately, that’s all I’ve got in the way of answers. Wow, there are some craptacular partners out there…
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Jesus, this guy’s bad enough to make me want to turn.
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I really wish people would stop having babies with unsuitable people just because they want kids! It’s such a bugbear of mine. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you Natelle – I really hope she starts listening to you!
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They whined to my mum lots and she would complain to me i would explain my reasoning and then mum would tell them that i had a right to my own opinion and we should all try to get along!! Problem was most of the things that bothered me bothered the rest of the family, also one made the mistake of making comment about mum being Italian and therefore linked to the mafia (bah as if besides we are from the north) and the other the FATAL mistake of sitting down with my dad before their wedding and saying ” So how do we solve the problem that is Missamoo???” hahahahahah dumbass!!!! My family are half Italian/German and half Persian/Assyrian fighting is how we solve stuff, we get straight in and pick apart everything until we get along again
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I can completely see where you’re coming from and understand that you may want to say something but just a word of warning – a long time ago now, about 11 years, I fessed up to my best friend (from childhood, since forever), that i didn’t really like her on/off boyfriend and didn’t feel comfortable around him. She stopped speaking to me on the spot and has not spoken to me since. seriously. no attempt to reconcile on my end made any difference. I still feel a sense of loss in relation to our friendship and don’t really understand what happened, but i’d just be prepared that she may react negatively … hopefully it won’t be anything like what i’ve experienced.
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mm.. definitely in two minds
firstly because i dont want my friends to get hurt
and secondly i have had bf who my friends dislike and it is soo annoying
they dont know what goes on behind close door and make assumptions about it.
The only thiing you can do is to be supportive of your friend and not tell her what to do.
I believe although your opinion is important – but your support is vital for the continuation of friendship
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Oh yessiree, I’ve been there.
Telling someone close to you that her partner is a dickhead is up there with mentioning that her new jeans make her look fat. It goes down like a lead balloon.
However, you have to have faith in your friend and your friendship and trust that once she has a chance to breathe and think over the very good reasons you’ve put forward, she just might begin to see this guy for who he really is. In the meantime, all you can do is tell her your thoughts and step away. And when it all goes bad, support her. And never, ever say you told her so.
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I had this exact same problem with my best friend. The guy wasn’t abusive or anything but she deserved WAY better. She put so much effort into making things work and he gave zilch. I made the mistake of voicing these opinions when they broke up. And I told him to stay away from her and that she was too good for him. Sure enough they got back together. Haha. Things are ok now, I’m still best friends with her and he is one of my friends. I don’t mind him as a person, but he really neglected her.
Now one of my other best friends is in a relationship with a manipulative, possessive, self-centred sleaze bag. She is the most wonderful girl. They were dating when we were in high school then broke up while she was on a gap year. She came back so confident in herself, it was just so wonderful to see her change from a self-conscious teenager into a confident and outgoing young woman.
Then he came back into the picture. He has single handedly managed to erode her confidence and self-esteem. He tries to control what she wears and where she goes, saying he’ll kill himself without her and everything always has to be about him. Some of my other close friends (who are less outspoken than me) have also voiced concerns. She has even told some of us that she knows it’s not right but she is scared that she will never have the same relationship with anyone else. It’s so frustrating, but is much easier to be looking in from the outside going she should do this or that.
I’m not going to make the same mistake of telling her what a douchebag he is but it is so hard not to. The advice about asking after him is really good I think. I don’t want her to feel awkward discussing anything with me. My mum also had some good advice about never saying negative things about them because then she’ll feel like she needs to take his side and will defend whatever he does. Be neutral and let her vent if she needs to. I am just hoping that they don’t get married like he wants to (she’s only 20!).
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I second that! My sister in law had a very on / off relationship with her idiot boyfriend. When it was over for “the last time” we all comforted her and finally told her the truth about our feelings. THEN they got back together, got engaged and married. There were some fun family Christmas’s after that. In fact, 5 years later, she still brings it up…
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Haha. I just saw that. Louse.
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Well – I have an amazing girlfriend who is so smart, so beautiful, so wonderful. Unfortunately, she has been with this complete idiot for about seven years. He is verbally abusive, disrespectful and manipulative. I hate the fact that she is with him, but at the end of the day it is her choice. I realise this. However, I do consistently tell her that she is too good for him. I don’t think that this is a problem in our friendship – because I feel that she knows that there are issues with her relationship. A gentle prod here and there from me is fine. But the one thing that I think everyone knows is that being in relationship (no matter how idiotic the loser is that you are in it with) is an individual choice. As a friend – the last thing you want to do is let your friend drift away from you because of the loser they have chosen to be with. Your friend needs people to talk to. Be there for them. But be honest as well. Sometimes gentle reassurance will give them the strength to leave in the long term, or take steps to change elements in their relationship that will lead them to a better place.
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Oh god, that’s so scary. Domestic abuse can do horrible things to people
I’m so glad you talked to her about it and she got out ok.
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This situation is hell. I’m going through it with two of my friends, one of whom is stuck in an abusive, loveless marriage with a FUCKWIT (you’re right Natelle, there really is no other word!) who badmouths her in front of their 5 year old son. The warning signs were there all along but I was very cautious about what I said because when someone is in love, they don’t listen to friends. She is now trying to get out of the relationship but it is a long, difficult and sad process. I nearly cried the other day when her 5 year old son told me “My daddy doesn’t love my mummy.”
Another friend is seeing a guy who is obsessed with her past. He keeps bringing up her past relationships and accusing her basically of being a slut. Because she once said, off the cuff, “Oh I had some fun times when I was single”, he now says that he pictures her having sex with other men every time she says the word “fun”! I have said to her that his behaviour is unacceptable and it needs to be resolved for their relationship to continue. It’s tricky because he’ll say these things for a week or so, then appear to be normal for a while, then bring it up again when she least expects it. Saying that I don’t like him is hard because she really wants it to work. When I said she should maybe hold off on booking an expensive trip for them as a Christmas present, she said I was being overly negative. My partner also doesn’t like him so it’s really awkward when she suggests double dates!!
It is a really fine line, if you want to keep a friendship to be supportive without condemning. The truth is that no matter how close friends you are, you can’t really know what goes on between them and what level of commitment there is so you have to be careful about being hurtful or offensive about the person your friend loves. Of course if there is violence or abuse, all bets are off!!!
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An ex-friend has a douchey husband. He punched me in the face, is an alcoholic, a drug dealer and a cheater. She’s a PhD student and refused to admit there was anything wrong with his behaviour. So now she’s an ex-friend.
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This is such a tricky one. My friend had a dodgy boyfriend and I never said anything… they ended up married and then it really ended in a horrible divorce. I wish I’d said something, but what do you say? And I know she wouldn’t have listened, because she was over the moon she was getting married. Not sure what the answer is, but I think you have to give it a go by making some polite observations. Good luck.
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Natelle, this guy sounds like a total loser.Surely the ‘big nose’ comment is a huge scary red flag flapping madly in the wind. You are totally right – he is not husband or father material. Tell you friend to starting running.
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Be very careful with what you say to your friends when theyre in on/off relationships! I had a friend who broke up with her absolute dickhead of a boyfriend, and I didn’t hesitate to tell her what I thought of him when they broke up. She later got back together with him and my earlier comment made things a bit awkward. But then they broke up again, and got back together, then broke up, got back together and FINALLY (or not?) broke up about 9 months ago and she became a totally different person. He’d been treating her like crap for sooo long, she’d basically forgotten who she actually was.
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I’m going through this at the moment with one of my friends. She’s desperate to marry & have children & has been with her BF for 4 years. He’s still not sure if he wants to marry her because according to him she “has a big nose” & he’s worried about having children with big noses who might get picked on at school.This is a guy who booked an overseas holiday without her & when she asked why his excuse was that she “never gets holidays” – SHE’S A SCHOOL TEACHER, she gets 12 WEEKS of holidays a year!! This is a guy who didn’t get her anything for Christmas. These are just some examples of the sorts of stupid things this complete & utter FUCKWIT (sorry there really is no other word) does & says. I’ve tried to play the supportive role, (“I’m so sorry to hear he’s treating you that way”), then the questioning role (“so hon, if he’s saying that sort of thing, do you REALLY think he’s going to be a good husband & Dad?”) to now just going “he’s a wanker, dump his ass!” Every time she starts the “I don’t think this is working” conversation he talks her back into staying, I think because he wants the break up – like everything else – to be HIS decision, not HERS. Good luck with this, I’ve got no idea. xx
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I was the one with the bad boyfriend. My best friend tolerated him, but really didn’t like him, i kind of knew this but she never directly told me. Thankfully I came to my senses and my friend was there for me all through the break up and its aftermath, because she had never verbalised her dislike there were no hard feelings to overcome either. BTW, my boyfriend, who was meant to be heartbroken, then tried to hit on her a few weeks after we broke up!
Unless it is clearly abusive then my advice is to keep doing what you’re doing, be there for her so that when she does wake up to herself she has good friends to turn to. Over 15 years later and i still have my best friend, the boyfriend has long gone.
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Yes, I am currently going through something similar. She has been my best friend for 16years and we have always done everything together… As soon her first ‘serious’ boyfriend came along she ditched not only me but all of her good friends for this guy who none of us can stand. He is egotistical, rude and gets embarrassed when (on the odd occasion) we do see each other. In fact, he actually got into a fist fight with my bf because he wanted to prove my bf wrong – clearly a case of ‘how to lose friends and alienate people’.
I have told her how I feel about him and now we don’t see each other as much but we are still close, not 16years of friendship close, but close all the same.
I think if you have a good/close relationship with your friend you should be able to say something without feeling like you are telling her what to do – even though she probably doesn’t want to hear it – better to be safe than sorry because I wish someone had told me when I was with the guy from hell.
Hope it works out for you! Good luck.
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How did your sisters cope with you being so vile to their husbands Missamoo? Did they get cranky at you? It sounds as though you have good relationships now with your sisters, so it must have worked out in the end?
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Don’t beat around the bush. Just tell her what you think about her boyfriend and give her the advice you feel she needs to take. She can take it or leave it. In the end, it’s her life, and if she wants a shit house boyfriend, then maybe I can suggest couciling.
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Hi – I tackled this issue head on with a friend once and the relationship soured quite considerably. We are still friends today but not nearly as close as we used to be. This is a really hard place to be and I wish I could have held my tongue and just let things take their natural course.
Your role as a friend is not to appear to question their choices (b/c its probable she’ll get defensive) but to help her make the right ones for herself. Sometimes this means keeping quiet about the elephant in the room and being there for her if things do go wrong.
I also have another friend who has the husband from hell – self absorbed, doesn’t help with domestic matters, misogynist, cheated on his first wife and he doesn’t wear deoderant (seriously) – and I’ve taken a might lighter touch approach this time. We all know he sucks and my friend knows that we don’t think highly of him. Instead of discussing ‘him’ we discuss how she is dealing with life in general and so try to support her by talking about her day to day life rather than how inadequate her husband is.
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