But do you know how to register your car....?
One of my friends started dating a new guy this summer. And this post isn’t even about how much sex they’ve been having. Ridiculous amounts but anyway. That’s to be expected. What’s been a surprise to her is the joy of dating someone with a high Life IQ.
You see, my friend is 27 and the boyfriends she’s had since her teens have had decidedly low Life IQs. Note: your Life IQ has nothing to do with your actual IQ. It’s not about the type of intelligence measured by university degrees or MENSA. It’s about being smart at life. Being capable of working things out and getting stuff done. Self-sufficiency and independence come into it. So do street smarts and common sense.
“You won’t believe this,” my friend announced breathlessly to me after their first date. “but he has his own car! And a job! And a wallet! With credit cards in it!”
Her excitement had nothing to do with gold digging. She has her own car and wallet with her own credit cards that she pays off with her own salary. It’s just that after years of dating guys who were hot but generally hopeless, guys whose most treasured possession was their bong or their Xbox and whose idea of nirvana was combining the two, it was a delightful shock to meet someone who had their, well, shit together.
Because not all adults do. Somehow, many men and women make it to their twenties or even thirties (and in some cases beyond) without two bits of sense to rub together. Hence, the low Life IQ. These are the people who struggle with the basic things that most of us do every day. Like work. Renew our drivers’ license. Remember to vote. Know what night the garbage goes out. COPE.
Your Life IQ is also not gender dependent. A couple of years ago, a male friend invited me out to dinner to meet his new girlfriend. Afterwards, he decided to go out for a drink with a mate so she and I agreed to share a cab. As the three of us stood on the street, The Girlfriend insisted, “You don’t have to wait with us, go have fun!” to which he replied “No, I want to put you in a cab and make sure you get home OK.” She smiled and said gently “Well, I’ve been getting home OK for 34 years….” He laughed and said, “I know. Then let me do it for my own benefit so I don’t feel bad.”
I loved that little exchange and it’s stayed with me. Until then I’d despaired about this guy’s choice in girlfriends, many of whom seemed to have alarmingly low Life IQs – birds with broken wings who have needed rescuing from situations as basic as forgetting to register their car for two years or not knowing how to claim on Medicare.
Perhaps some men like that whole distressed damsel thing because it allows them to be Superman. But I imagine the red cape would get old fast. When the Life IQ of two people in a relationship is dramatically different, resentment can gradually grow over it like mould.
It’s also true that long-term cohabitation itself can push your Life IQ down, down, down but invariably, you only realise this when you split up. Remarked one divorced friend: “It wasn’t until my marriage ended after 17 years and Dan moved out that I discovered I had no idea about money, home maintenance, my car…the list was embarrassingly long. I had a child and a great job and I am smart! But somehow I’d just let so much slide because he took care of it.” Until he didn’t. “It took at least a year to learn and re-learn all this stuff and I hated it at first. I cringe to admit this but I just wanted someone to sweep in and take care of it. I even called my Dad who was a huge help until I gained the confidence to do it myself.”
While writing this post, I’ve considered my own Life IQ. Before I met my husband it was very high. It had to be. By dating guys with woefully low Life IQs for years, I’d had to stay on top of my game – and theirs.
When we first began seeing each other, I remember battling over my wallet. Whenever we’d leave the house, I’d automatically grab it and he’d say “Don’t worry babe, I’ve got it covered” which was very gallant and totally new but for some reason really irritated me. Eventually, I burst out “Stop making me leave my wallet at home! I don’t want to become dependant on you! I like being independent!” Therapy anyone?
In the years since, I think my Life IQ has gone down. Or has it? Maybe it’s just what it’s like to be part of a team where you divide and conquer. For example, I know nothing about our cars, where they’re serviced or when their rego is due. Not even numberplates. But I know everything about our children’s medical histories and could name all their teachers since they began kindergarten. And I still never leave home without my wallet.
How would you rate your Life IQ? Has it changed? What about the people you’ve dated? High? Low? Off the charts?
Comments
167 Comments so far
Oh my god. I just realised my boyfriend and I have ridiculously low IQs. We joke that someone should just put us out of our misery because we’re both so hopeless.
I had a 30% assignment due on friday. It’s Sunday. I haven’t started. I’m 23 but don’t have my drivers license (even my learners) or plans to get it soon. I’m a good cook, but that’s pretty much the extent of my life skills. I’m terrible at budgeting. We’re both constantly running late. We both forgot to vote this year. Twice. I actually don’t remember the last time we washed our sheets. We’ve lived in our apartment since February and haven’t cleaned the shower yet. There are dishes in the sink from a week ago.
He has a low end job that he hates but doesn’t feel like he can leave because he has NO IDEA what to do with his life. We regularly forget to pay electricity and internet and end up with angry pink letters – if it wasn’t for direct debit I would almost definitely forget to pay rent. He got his gran’s car when her license was taken off her, but regularly forgets rego etc.
Basically we’re just hopeless, even though we live thousands of km’s from our parents I feel like teenagers who’s folks are out of town for a weekend. This just depresses me. Why do I find it so hard to just get my shit together?
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Any chance any of you suffer from ADHD?
I do, it renders me hopeless in debts, money, organisation, etc etc
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My 22 year old son does. It’s made life very interesting.
He is a bit of a disaster area. Goes well for a while, then f^*+s up over and over for a short time and then you have to deal with his f*^% ups.
He’s recently (off his own bat) started seeing his psychiatrist again and is now taking a high dose of Effexor, as he’s accepted finally he needs help to live a more normal life.
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By the way, I COMPLETELY understand.
I’m 27 and have ONLY JUST grasped the concept of budgeting and “thinking about the future”
I forget to vote — actually I kind of forgot to ENROL TO VOTE
I changed the sheets 3 weeks ago (or did i?)
I didnt get my license until I was 25.. And I STILL have not upgraded to Open license. Am eligible, but meh!
Housework gets done out of pure necessity and only because it wont do itself
My rego was 1.5 months overdue
I managed to actually become useful and have some sort of ambition and think about the future,,,,, But only with medication….
Weird thing is though, I am incredibly emotionally intelligent and can handle almost any situation thrown at me,,,,, does that constitute having a high life IQ?
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I think I have just realised I have a low life IQ… i think. Im 30 and i dont have a car or a license. my drs have actually recommended i dont drive – i dont buy that, im still trying to learn!! (im really bad. i have no hand eye co-ordination due to a condition i was born with, and an issue with speeding…). that said i can change a tyre! and oil! and so forth. I have my bank set up so my bills automatically get bpayed (not direct debit) once a week so i dont forget to pay them. I often forget to sign school forms and to do the laundry (i like to use my honours project as an excuse. its currently 1.28 am and i have been reading masters and phd exegeses since about 3pm…). but i think i have just figured out why I am still single at 30, apart from not looking who is going to want me??? im useless! haha, oh well. I will keep coping though =)
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Mia is this a chapter taken from one of your previous books or something? I definitely feel like I’ve read it before..
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When I was growing up I just assumed that everyone over a certain age had a high life IQ and acted like a “grown up”. Not true! I have friends who are late twenties/early thirties and never lived away from home thus never had to pay a bill, do their own laundry etc. One of my good friends is 27 going on 28 and her parents still treat her as if she is about 12. They call her 20 times a day to check up on her, they do all the cooking and cleaning for her, they pay all her bills, they come pick her up from social occasions, organise her car payments/insurance/maintenance and the list goes on!! Her older sister is early thirites and also never lived away from home. This girl has never been in a serious relationship and I worry that when she finally does move out of home that she won’t be able to handle it cause she’s SO used to having EVERYTHING done for her. I’m scared that she’ll be 40 and still unable to look after herself *sigh*….
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I’ve recently learned to tow our trailer. As an avid gardner this is definately a skill I needed to learn. Hubby kept trying to tell me how to do it until I finally convinced him that I would be better if I went it alone. He couldn’t believe how fast I picked it up once he shut up and let me concentrate. Seemed to forget my father was a professional truck driver and I’d happily go to work with him in school holidays!
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I think I can relate to the part where you say it was better when you were single, that’s me in a nutshell. I lived alone, worked and studied at the same time, and I had to make things work.
I’m happier being with my partner, but because we both share the load, we both have become less organised at certain things, such as I forget to renew my license, stuff like that. It never occurs to me to take out the bin as he prefers to do it, etc..
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My life IQ is creeping up there, slowly. I’m nearly 22 and have been living out of home since I was 17. When I first started I didn’t know anything – barely how to use a washing machine, but gradually I’ve started getting the hang of it. I still stuff up. Many a time I’ve been distracted and forgotten to pay an electricity bill before getting a rather agressive letter in my mailbox stating that I MUST PAY THAT BILL NOW.
The one thing that gets me is money management. I suck at it. And it doesn’t help that as a student I have a pretty shit income to begin with.
Love this post
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I think you sound very smug Mia. Some people don’t cope with life because they suffer depression or other mental illness. Or maybe they had negligent parents who couldn’t be bothered teaching them anything and now they are up shit creek without a paddle trying to work it out for themselves.
Of course you have only heard back from all the other self-congratulating ‘high Life-Q’ people..everyone else has just added it to the list of reasons to feel bad about themselves.
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I don’t know.. my partner has severe mental illess and I’m his carer, but I was still able to giggle at this piece. Since having to cope with that, at first we were getting pretty crappy at getting things done, but in another way, having a partner with mental illess has forced me to have to lift my game somewhat. I’m still not where I want to be, but I feel more capable of getting there, because of his illness, rather than in spite of it.
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I suffer depression too but also found truth in it.
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I think you sound very smug anonymous. Mental illness doesn’t mean someone can’t have life skills.
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Thank you.
So Very Much.
(ADHD sufferer)
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I think the whole point of marriage is to share the life iq points. I don’t think you lose them, but that once married you can focus on specific life iq points while your capable partner focuses on others.
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Love this post, certainly makes one think… I just realised that I have a pretty high life IQ (possibly higher than my hubby) though I’ve lost my confidence since being a stay-at-home mum. I think this article has given me a little bit back
Hubby’s life IQ is still high… he can clean properly (not like most men), he cooks like a chef and is very good at maths and finances. He is also a great dad and partner.
Before hubby, I had been working since 16 yo and living on my own (on and off) from the same age so I quickly learned how to work for my money and manage it to survive. I did this in two countries before I turned 20, also went to school and university in two countries. I studied and worked two jobs at the same time in Australia and finished my degree whilst 6 months pregnant. Up until baby arrived, we had separate finances and paid half for everything. I recently applied for a job after more than a year off work, went through 2 rounds of interviews and got in only to realise I had overstepped the mark by applying for full time so I had to decline. The whole time we have been together I have been the one driving as hubby lost his license for unpaid fines when he was a lot younger and never bothered to get it back until recently. I am also developing a business plan at the moment and hope to put my idea on the market, and of course, I think it will make lots of money lol
Oh and I am also a good cook though hubby does most of the cooking!
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I’m in my 20s in a long term relationship, your story is so inspiring!!!
I’m finding it hard to deal with university and part time work, and maintaining a relationship.
Ahh to dream of a boyfriend who cooks!
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Pingback: My Life IQ « motzie
We split most tasks, me, bills, banking, daily running of the home. Him, garden, lawn, collecting children from school when I’m working, some cooking.
The thing is, is that it throws me (actually I hate it) when he crosses over onto my turf. I don’t like him paying the bills, (as it usually involves him setting up online facilities with obscure passwords that he’ll never use again) or trying to figure out the banking. We do things differently and I like things my way.
Yes, control freak does enter my mind.
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I think everyone should live by themselves for some time.
I spent a year living by myself and when you realise there is no one else who will come in to help kill the spiders, investigate the scary noise at 3am, or fix that broken pipe its amazing how you can just buck up and deal with it!
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I’d rate it pretty high in some areas, dismal in others. The same with my husband. Luckily, we compliment each other, for example:
(Me)
HIGH IQ: Banking, finances, paying bills on time, social co-ordinating, meal planning, saving and planning anything basically. Cooking,childcare, multi-tasking, understanding legalities or anything requiring usage of the internet.
LOW IQ: Car maintenance, enviro-conciousness (ie. turning lights off), sense of direction, home handy tasks, insect removal, furniture assembly, anything to do with electronics or speaking on the telephone.
^ this is where my hubby steps in to save the day, as I do for him who can’t pay a bill on time and would have no idea when his sister’s birthday was or how much money we have in the bank
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with a husband who is away so much and out of contact PLUS didnt get taught very good money skills by his parents i like to think my life IQ is pretty high – i manage two peoples personal admin every day! unfortunately i think that means his life iq is pretty low.
dont get me wrong, he’d survive if something happened to me but it would take him a while. he cant even look at our household budget without going cross-eyed and has no idea how much money we have in our savings and he also has a very warped sense of how much things actually cost because he doesnt pay the bills.
whereas nothing would change for me if something happened to him. which is the way it needs to be for us
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Being part of a team means it makes sense to divide and conquer. It’s a lot more efficient to have one of you who always does the bills or always keeps track of the school notes, rather than both of you trying to cover everything and constantly having to check to see if the other has done X (and inevitably missing stuff). There are far more interesting things to spend our time and relationship energy on.
That said, I think you need know you can pick it up. That means that if my husband goes under a bus, I know what bills we pay and how they are paid, I have access to money, I know when garbage night is, and I can either start the mower or can ring someone, and so on. Works backwards if something happens to me.
My Life IQ is high. The only area where it has really dropped is the whole program-the-VCR thing. If I cared enough I could do it. Not a biggie.
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I pretty much organise all the house stuff, making beds, cleaning, paying bills/paying Visa card, organising birthday cards/presents,kids vaccinations/doctors appointments, school things, purchasing new clothes, organising tradesman/quotes etc.
Hubby does work very hard and is gone from 6am-7pm but cooks most nights, goes grocery shopping – after scouring the catalogues/internet for weekly grocery specials, mows/edges, sorts our long term financial stuff like investments/shares, deals with the mortgage broker (I cant process that information that quickly), connecting things like computers/tv/stereo etc..
We both know where we want to be in life and co-exist quite well together
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Mia, I enjoyed this column so much, it inspired me to write a blog post (www.kleinfeld.com.au) about what should be on the Life IQ curriculum. Love your work.
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I know people in their 40′s and 50′s that haven’t got a clue. Age does not necessarily bring a high life IQ that’s for sure! Of course I’m perfect ….
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Me: Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, organising holidays, remembering birthdays and events and buying the presents, most home repairs, finding the best deals on anything short term (holidays, food, household items etc.), feeding the kittens, cleaning the kittens litter tray, defleaing and worming the kittens (our children), making complaints (about a product, at a restaurant, to our landlord)
Him: Paying bills, finding the best deals for the long term stuff (savings accounts, mortgage lenders, medical insurance etc.), anything to do with the computer, home repairs I’m too short to do myself, laundry, garbage, making the bed (he’s up last)
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it amazes me how many people have a very low life IQ (or maybe I am just a snob!) But I know many peopel who hide behind it very well, ie by being married and having kids – that means you have your shit together right….wrong!
I know so many people that are ‘grown ups’ but are so far into debt they can barely support themselves and still go running back to their parents for loans, meals places to stay etc. OK if you have a few bad times in your life, but this should not occur every year! I know adults who are doing adult apprenticeships, ok these are great, but not when you start a new one every year for 5 years running. I am lucky that I found a partner with similar values and views to me as I would not be able to cope sharing my life with someone with a low life IQ. We have similar values in relation to finance, job stability and the right time to start a family and we are also lcuky that we complement each other when it comes to household chores etc. I will save looking after another being for whne I have kids, I do not need practice looking after, managing and cleaning up after an adult partner!
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In our house my other half always locks the house up at night and as a result that job is now totally off the radar……….so if he’s away for the night i totally forget to do it and often wake up in the morning to all the doors and windows wide open!
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My husband read your column in the newspaper yesterday, and immediately shoved it under my nose. That second last para re: cars = him; school & medical = you is EXACTLY how it goes down in our house. You completely hit the nail on the head when you called it ‘divide and conquer’…great, insightful article, Mia xx
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My life IQ is pretty low – am absolutely clueless when it comes to paying the bills, anything to do with the internet connection, anything that requires connecting cords, anything related to things with engines (including car registration, insurance etc.). My husband takes care of all of that and I couldn’t be happier, because before I met him things like suddenly realising my car was unregistered and my account running into debit due to forgetting about the monthly bills happened waaaay too often! In fact when he went overseas for three weeks I locked myself out of the house and was stuck for four hours with no phone, cards etc. Would never happen if he was here.
Having said that though, I always know what is clean, what is ironed, where it’s hanging in the cupboard, where his glasses are, where his keys are, when it’s his Mum’s/sister’s/best friend’s birthday, when we need food, what’s for dinner etc. He leaves that stuff to me.
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hmmm lets see:
Me: Bills, grocery shopping, cooking, washing up, laundry, organising holidays, rsvp’s to things, organising presents to anyones’ birthday/wedding/engagements etc
Shared: Cleaning, garbage
Him: Home maintenance & anything electrical. He works in IT – so anything to do with our computer and entertainment unit.
That is where I am completely useless – anything to do with the computer. I call him my personal helpdesk
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Yup, I love my in house tech support
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I believe we all walk about on our tip toes with too many people and argue what is secondary rather than realise we need to sit down with our partners or friends and be honest about where we want to go in life and be in life. This chat will clarify what both parties want, need and desire for anything from the relationship to living etc etc. No need to push to change someone, wait for a change or be in denial. We are just not suited sometimes and timing maturity and a reality check like being accountable for ourselves and our doings is what some people just never get then play the blame game to justify why and what. We have had generations that has it all but dont know how lucky they are to ensure securing a healthy happy future and respecting each and all. This is where we have the givers and the takers comes in. You need to be able to be on the same page, enhance each other and bring out the best in each other when a change is needed or even over an argument. There is no easy answer but love patience and trusting yourself your judgements from experiences and common sense.
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The more life IQ you have, the more you realise you need.
I’d always thought myself pretty savvy, but now I need to understand more about shares and money and such. That’s my next IQ expansion.
If you have an enquiring mind and practical application, you can do anything.
I’ve taught myself so many things, whereas I used to get upset that I didn’t have a father or a mother to teach me. It’s self-esteem building.
I think we should also consider immaturity is not low IQ, just a lack of will to do some things.
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Great points!
I agree – shares is my next thing to learn… right after I purchase an apartment (which I’m currently saving for).
And double agree – I love learning new things too!
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Mia, since we have a life IQ, how about a domestic IQ? My boyfriends is almost non existent. He refuses point blank to wash the dishes, no matter how hard I beg or plead.
He leaves his dirty clothes on the floor where they land, he won’t put his used cutlery in the sink, everything gets left where it falls. The only domestic things he does is take out the bins, hang clothes out and mow the lawn.
He never vacuums, cleans the bathroom, makes the bed, changes the sheets, mops the floor, tidies the kitchen table (which is a total war zone at present). His mother did all these chores for him, and even encourages him to bring our dirty laundry basket down the coast when we visit so she can wash them!
I know this sounds whingey, but it is REALLY depressing when I have to come home after starting at 5am and see the messy house and think “Shit, I have to clean this” I have a habit of either taking a nap, or slinging my bag over my shoulder and walking back out the door!
Anyone know of a cheap cleaning service I can take advantage of? I am in Western Suburbs of Sydney
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So this bloke has a lot of other really special qualities, right? Right?
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He does, we get along really well and I know he loves me. He has helped me through a lot of difficult times in my life and we have experienced a lot together. He just needs to straighten up a bit more.
He has a kind heart and does lovely things for me. I just get cranky with him in respect to the house.
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Companiship is one thing but perhaps tell him you need to work as a team and on the same team and put a happy balance for both of you as this is your relationships next step.
Good luck
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Get. Out. Now. He will not change.
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Half of that stuff isn’t even what I would call a domestic duty, but simply picking up after yourself. Tell him to lift his game or get out. You will be doing this for the rest of your life if you just hire a cleaning service.
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Mothers of boys, take note. Don’t let your boy grow up to be this man! While he’s lovely and all that, it’s NOT okay for your son to be like this.
I have had a cleaner since my children were very small, but our cleaner recently moving interstate has led to a shake-up. We now do it ourselves so we can make sure our sons either have the skills and appreciate how hard it is to keep a house in order. We put aside the money we save for fun family activities. We have a list of what jobs need to be done, and no one stops (much) til it’s finished.
I’m not going to pretend this is easy or fun – I have to keep reminding myself that there is a bigger endgame here than just having a clean house.
As well, we recently instituted a roster to clear up and clean the kitchen after dinner (with an adult and a child on every night – teaches the kids to do it properly, it’s not as tedious when there is someone with you, and there’s a chance to chat over the dishes) which has totally removed all the tension over who cleans up after dinner, and removed the battles about “But I have homework! But I did it last year! But he’s not doing anything! But you’re biassed!” and so on. That, too, includes a list of what needs to be done each day.
Yep, this is very regimented. If your only goal is a clean house, then go for it. But to have longer goals – growing competent adults – you need to be strategic and plan instead of winging it.
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Anon – good option. It did strike me as funny though, when I was growing up (in the 90s) this was considered normal. The kids had to keep a general level of tidiness in house, walk the dog, wash and dry dishes every night and rooms were to be tidy at all times etc etc. This is how it was in my house, and the houses of all my friends. Yes, we complained(kids will do that!) but it was just accepted as how things were done.
From some of the comments it seems as though in 2011 requiring kids to do their share of house work is considered regimented and extreme!
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What a nerve this guy’s got, how dare he assume that you will be forever cleaning up after him. Just don’t do it. Dump all his stuff in his room, if he has one, or on his side of the bed, or somewhere where it will really get up his nose. Do not do his washing or ironing.
Jesus woman, you’ve got to get serious with this nonsense. And a pox upon his mother for allowing him to walk all over her.
If he doesn’t get it, dump him, no matter how kind hearted you think he is (because he’s not).
Don’t bother looking for a cheap cleaning service, you’re it already!
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RUN don’t walk.
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The point is not even what jobs he is or isn’t willing to do – but the fact that he is happy to leave you to do it. He is expecting you to shoulder the burden and do it all – forever! He may say he loves and respects you, but every time he tells you he will never to the dishes – he is not being loving or respectful. Sorry to be harsh…..I know he may be lovely in other areas… but sometimes we do what we don’t want to so the person we love doesn’t have to do it…
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I agree. It’s not the chores, it’s the lack of respect that’s the problem.
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I married a guy like this, and after my second child was born I had a breakdown. I had been carrying the housework, the bills the kids, a couple of deaths in the family, everything, and finally I crashed. Im sorry to be harsh, but either train him now or move on.
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Nothing like being with a guy who expects you to be his mother (who incidentally did him no favours by doing this stuff for him) to kill the passion. Maybe reminding him of that will do the trick? No nookie until he learns to pick up after himself. That’s the best motivator ever. LOL
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Great column.
I meet a guy once whose life IQ was so low he didn’t even have a glass in his house to offer me a drink of water, let alone a seat. Needless to say, it was over before it started.
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its interesting isnt it when you are ina relationship how you consciously relieve yourself of certain responsibilities, like taking out the garbage, looking after the car, and generally just making assumptions that “he” will do it. then you become single again and its like you forgot how to do it all. everything. or rather, you dont want to remember, cos it was so nice having someone look after that stuff. yes that stuff.that stuff you no longer want to do. you harbour resentment. now you are back to doing everything by yourself, again, again, again. so sick of it. So what, i can take out the garbage, i can top up the oil in my car, i can cook, i can look after my children…… but can i look after myself????
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Well I don’t know how to mow the lawn and I don’t want to. If my husband didn’t want to do it I’d hire a gardener. I have a cleaner once a week because we both work and time on the weekend is for the family not cleaning. We divvy up everything else. When we first met my husband was the responsible one and I was a bit scatty. However now we are both on the same page. Up until I was 25 I was into partying, drinking and blowing all my money. Then I grew up. Some of my friends from those days are still behaving like that 20 years later. They don’t have and never will have Life IQ. We all mature at different rates in terms of developing Life IQ. Unfortunately some people never grow up and remain stuck in their infancy, childhood or teenage years as far as their Life IQ goes.
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Man I wish I could afford a cleaner.. My boyfriend and I work and I like weekends for relaxing. But the house usually suffers due to this and is currently a disaster. I clean it and 24 hours later it’s like the house just bursts back open!
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After 10 years of marriage and two kids I have finally worked out how to beat this. Half an hour a day of cleaning for both my husband and myself and the house stays clean all week. My friends think Im a super housewife and I dont dread Saturday mornings any longer.
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All the things described here I think of as being a “grown up”. Although my “life IQ” probably went up when I ended my first marriage. I revelled in doing all the things I hadn’t done before, fixing things around the house, working out how to use things. I loved mowing.
Since meeting my partner three years ago, I have thought so many times that it’s so nice to be with a grown up. Someone who kept his house clean, had nice furniture and a sensible car, ironed every week and folded his socks and undies, enjoyed good food, wine, books and music and – shock of shocks! – knew his way around a woman’s body!
As opposed to 12 years with someone who, well, didn’t. Any of those things. After getting married at 19 & 21, I grew up. He did too for a while but after baby #2, he went back to constant computer games and drinking til he threw up (on his boss’ front lawn on occasion) and conversing in mumble. It was like living with a sullen teenager, only a teenager would have had more interest in coming to bed.
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me: finances, bills, buying and selling property, decorating, sorting stuff, organising garage sales, shopping (food, kids’ things), medical appts, presents, organising photos, finding great furniture on the street.
Him: painting, garden maintenace, using a drill, It stuff, assembling Ikea furniture, cooking, cake-making.
It’s about right, except that cake-making matters less than paying bills on time and balancing the budget.
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This article is really interesting – I consider myself to have a decent Life IQ for 22, but I know that I have never really faced life in difficult circumstances, and I have been very privileged. I also hold myself to exceedingly high standards of behavior and achievement and so far guys I meet seem to be chiefly interested in getting stoned or drunk – something I strongly feel I have grown out of. How do I go about meeting someone who has a compatible Life IQ and also spurs me on to improve mine, without getting into the caretaker/freeloader scenario (I am a bit of a control freak)?
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I totally feel for you Emilie. I’m 20, not interested in getting drunk or partying, and there are very few guys who aren’t interested in those things. I found my boyfriend at work; i suggest going out and doing things you love (be that dancing, painting, computer games whatever) and you will find like minded people that way.
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Meet an older man! I met my partner when I was 22 and he was 34, and it made a world of difference to me. Like you, I was totally past the whole drinking til I exploded every night stage, but all of the guys my age seemed to still be in it.
Seriously, there is a lot to be said for an older man.
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This article motivated me to turn to my husband today and ask if he could show me how to mow the lawn. After 12 years together my poor hubby has always been the only one to mow the lawns. It’s the only home maintenance/chore I don’t know how to do.
So – today he showed me how to add the fuel, attach the catcher and start the mower and then stood by and guided me on how to get the best result. I was punching the air by the time I turned the motor off!! What is truly shameful is that it was so bloody easy to do I just had it in my head that it would be beyond me.
I was so crazy motivated that I ended up mowing the next door neighbours yard too!!
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Well done! I am 35 and have never mowed! When my husband is away I get a mowing man in… Maybe it’s time I learnt!
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I find mowing the lawn so satisfying, getting the lines perfect and standing back to look at the end result!
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Shhh, men are trying to keep it a secret from us how easy it is!
I have never, ever revealed to my husband that mowing the lawns (and picking up the dog crap before) was my job as a kid.
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Wow, most people posting seem to have a high Life IQ and a partner with an equally high Life IQ.
Perhaps a sympton of having a High Life IQ could be Smugness?? He hee
I find it annoying and a drain on my time to micromanage my finances and affairs. I especially hate dealing with telco’s. All I seem to be doing lately is calling them and the ombudsman about errors on my mobile and internet accounts!
My procrastination probably causes me more stress than is necessary….I’m a late bill payer, my car insurance has expired, and I haven’t done my tax in a while. My husband is equally poor at managing this stuff.
However, we are both professionally employed, own our own home and cars and have a happy life together. We have plenty of fun and enjoy each others company, rather than spending all our time doing paperwork. Oh, and we don’t own a bong or an Xbox. he he
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Oh nooo get your car insurance renewed now!!!
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I know a man who when he had a reason approached life differently. He just had nothing to prove before and no reason to have a high life IQ. He wasn’t/isn’t the type who felt he had to out there and flashing his hot stuff or material wears.
His sophistication lies in how extraordinarily uncomplicated he is. When you have our head down caring for your partner and your family: coping = commitment, dedication, affection,stamina, good sex, laughter, shared experiences …potential … faith (not in religion but in each other). He has taught me this, althought others would have thought that I taught him.
Independence and self sufficency is often confused with a need to proved oneself or just plain selfishness.
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my ex; had never had a job, completely dependant on his parents for money, his mum still made his bed, cleaned his room and did all his washing… and he didnt understand when i couldnt see him because i was working or studying or helping my parents.
hopeless!
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As the product of a single mother who struggled to survive the challenges of life I was determined to be strong, self sufficient and independent. As a single person that worked perfectly for me but as part of a couple it has been threatening to my other half. The desire for career success, independent financial security and knowledge about every single aspect of our lives has at times been mistaken for a lack of trust, an unwillingness to accept a life together or even blatant disrespect for our marriage. My dermination to ensure I hold onto my life IQ and retain the ability to deal with whatever adverse events life throws me has been the cause of much conflict and concern. The balance between
retaining independence and living as a couple has been perhaps the most longstanding
and difficult challenge of married life. Over time I have learnt to trust both myself and
my partner. Once learnt life skills will never be forgotten – the important thing is to
ensure they are learnt by both men and women. Now I am a parent and I look forward to instilling these concepts in my children and teaching them to be strong, independent and self sufficient people.
Mia, thanks for drawing attention to this important concept. The value of life IQ should not be under estimated.
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OMG! YOU have made me realise what it is I have been looking for in a man all along!
At least an equivalent life IQ! I am sooo sick of taking care of people. I want someone to take (or at least help
take care of me!
And having a high life IQ (which I def have!) seems to be something that scares the shit out of guys….
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my husband and i were just talking about this yesterday. mostly in reference to our slightly younger friends, who are recently engaged and even more recently pregnant. with our almost 6 years of marriage and 3 kids all we could say is they are in for a shock. they both until recently have lived at home and are now starting to stand on their own 2 feet. (well four actually) Its like learning to walk i guess. you get there in the end. but in saying this i think my husband and i have both got relatively high life IQ’s and i am so thankful for that. but there is always more to learn. eg my eldest started kinder this year and i have found it a bit more difficult then i thought i would. well not really. mostly its hard because i have to now teach my son how to have a high life IQ. (eg not lunch swapping in case the other person has allergy’s, dont give your lunch money away, etc) so far so good.
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I feel that I simply have to mention my BIL.
Guy is pushing 40 and about to become a father for the third time. His most prized possession is his collection of mint condition, Star Wars dolls. Has every movie on VHS, DVD and Blue-Ray. Favourite film, Star Wars. Favourite recording, the Star Wars soundtrack. Starting to get the picture ?
He and his lovely wife both lived at home until the wedding night. So aged 34 & 32 neither had ever paid rent, scrubbed a toilet, changed a lightglobe, done a load of washing etc. Always done by the big umbilical cord in the sky. They went into the marriage with next to no life experiences between the two of them. They are so far in debt that it isn’t funny.
You can’t discuss current events with either of them. They have no knowledge of anything happening in the world, their country, their city or even their neighbourhood. Politically, they give their votes to whoever promises to give them the biggest slice of the social security pie…and admit it. When speaking, they mispronounce so many simple words that Mrs Malaprop is given a run for her money.
How they got together is the real wonder. We all knew that there would be no romance for my BIL until he could find someone who was wild about the aroma of sump oil and stale sweat. He cracked the daily double by finding someone who resembled Darth Vader who was looking for those qualities in a potential life partner.
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Well, at least they’re evenly matched! And as someone who was raised by a single dad with zero Life IQ from the age of 14, I can tell you now that the kids will turn out with lots of Life IQ due to having to pick up the slack from such hopeless parents.
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My parents broke up when I was 5, and my Dad became an alcoholic. I WISH he had of been around with a set of Star Wars dolls… even if he had of smelled like stale sweat at least he would have been present. But I do concur… the kids will probably end up running the house!
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I didn’t mention it, but he is an alcoholic, and was before my mum died. When we were at boarding school he managed to wash his clothes and cook but never cleaned anything, was hopeless with money, unreliable at his job, useless with dealing with bills and admin etc.
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You crack me up! The big umbilical cord in the sky! And did I get it wrong or are you saying the wife looks like Darth Vader?!
I think some people have low expectations about life and don’t reach very high, generally people who don’t think deeply about things and are quite content that way. Aside from their money troubles… are they happy? I’ve met a few couples like this (not the star wars thing specifically, but everything else sounds familiar) and sometimes I wish I was like that. Whatever problems come up, they just seem to gloss over them because they have never been ambitious enough to want anything else!
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The wife looks like Darth Vader. She has a brother who resembles Shrek.
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they’ll smarten up when they have kids. They will have to, otherwise their house and lives will be impossible. Someone has to be the parent.
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Is it ok if I laugh a bit?
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I think my husband and I balance each other out. We call them gaps and fortunately we have different ones so we fill each others!
He has no idea about car rego and car maintenance (he once stuck the rego sticker on the car and I assumed he had paid for it, but he hadn’t) – being a Brit and no license at that stage probably had something to do with it.
On the otherhand he is a whizz with fixing things (particularly with string, glue and coathangers), makes a great pizza and always cleans the shower.
Me? I don’t do problems with the computer very well, I forget to repot plants and I refuse to pack the car/roofrack for camping and never empty the vacuum cleaner!
Great article!
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Same around our way. My wife and I balance each other out. Things that I have absolutely no idea about (and that’s plenty !), she’s an expert on and vice-versa. One of us Yin, the other is Yang. One of us is the lyrics, the other the melody.
You could say that we’re pretty darn good together. Well, at least we think so and that’s all that matters.
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Awww!
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Yep. When I met my husband I rented my own apartment, had my own car (which I registered each year and serviced every 6 months!). Bills were always paid on time and I was the one who would have to chase the flatmate for her share (never the other way around). If it was up to her we would have had our electricity disconnected and would have been evicted.
Now after 15 years of marriage, he organises the cars and I wouldnt have a clue. The bills are on direct debit and its his job to make sure they are covered. When friends compare electricity bills I shrug my shoulders – I have no idea! I organise everything to do with our kids, our house and I do all the cooking. I dont think he would even know who their GP or Dentist is. And I’m the one at home so it would be silly for him to call the plumber! My life IQ is probably lower now than it was when I was single, but I was single and had nobody to share them with. Now we share the responsibilities, they’re not just my problem or not just his problem.
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I have always dated/been out with men with high life IQs. I guess because I find those qualities very attractive. My boyfriend (of 5 years/living together 4 years) now has such a high life IQ- dependable and 100% reliable, just gets things done and career done with success and ease. it has made me wonder about my own life IQ, I think my life IQ is always lower than the men I date and admittedly I like it this way although I definitely do not fall into the ‘damsel in distress’ category and have my own life/career etc. I know it is old fashioned and even quite socially unacceptable these days to ‘depend on a man’ but I like it this way so does he and we work. So yesmy life IQ is lower than my boyfriends…but it was higher when I was single.
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There are a lot (not all)of elderly men who fall apart when their wife dies, because she has done everything for him..
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and on the other side, when I worked in banking years ago there would be women who had never even had a bank account, didn’t know how to take money out or had never paid a bill in their lives. It was awful for them to have to deal with the death of their husband and have to manage money for the first time.
Awful in both situations for those affected.
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My husband is amazed by the number of women who discover, upon the death of their husband, that they do not have power of attorney. Basically means no access to his money. That can be tough when you have to pay for a funeral.
This is really important to think about.
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there was a best/worst comment about that a few weeks ago. One lady’s husband died and she didn’t realise he had taken out a second mortgage on the house, lots of credit cards etc. Scary situation to be in…
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It must be heartbreaking
On a lighter note it reminds me of the English film “Saving Grace”, about a middle aged woman whose husband dies and leaves her with so much debt she’s about to lose her house and everything she owns… so she starts growing pot in the greenhouse and goes to London to become “a drugs dealer.” Very funny movie. Not that I’m suggesting Lu’s husband should recommend his clients start dealing drugs in their backyard!
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hilarious!
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When we were kids, we had a neighbour like that. Poor old Bill’s wife, Maude, had done absolutely everything for him for the duration of their married life. They were totally devoted to each other, and when she passed on, Bill completely dropped his bundle.
My mother offered to give him a bit of hand around the house, teaching him how to use the washing machine, hoover, toaster and kettle. Having no knowledge of how to shp for groceries, Mum taught Bill the basics of writing a shopping list.
Lessons came to an inglorious halt when Bill needed my mother’s urgent help….to slice some ham from the bone. At this point, Mum declared that it was time that he stood on his own two feet. It had only taken six months. Before you knew it, Bill was paying his bills on time and preparing his own meals. He even became a dab hand with needle and thread.
He was a good old bloke.
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I have always prided myself on my high life IQ – in every aspect except food. I would eat toast and ice cream every night for a week with out thinking. My husband has fantastic food and nutrition IQ, but but sruggles with the ol’ cleaning IQ. Together we balance out to create a halfway decent adult with no chance of coming to the attention of the adut protective services
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right – so can’t cope with life= low life IQ? even though I can fill in a tax return, negotiate interstate house moves, care for two children, balance a budget, shop, cook and clean?
Ah well – one more thing to hate about me I guess. One more reason that makes me less than everyone else.
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?? You’ve completely missed the point.
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actually no – I didn’t…important statements in Caps yes? direct quote from article.
“Like work. Renew our drivers’ license. Remember to vote. Know what night the garbage goes out. COPE.”
Can’t work and can’t cope with life.
yes, I get its not a competition here. Thats obvious.
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Um, if you can do all of those things then I think it means you’ve got a high life IQ.
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a) Sounds like you’re doing really well
b) This isn’t a competition – it’s people sharing experiences
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I HAD a high Life IQ, but then I got married. Now, I just do what I’m told. Current Life IQ ? You’ll have to ask my wife…..
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Doing what you are told makes you VERY smart..haha..
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No man can be happier than his wife – she won’t let him
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