Kody Brown and his first three wives
Polygamy is, like, so hot right now. First there was the excellent TV drama Big Love and now, naturally, there’s a reality show about REAL polygamy.
How great would it be to have a wife. A proper one. One better than me. I reckon I’d be ever so grateful for someone to cook meals, do the shopping, supervise homework, organise the house, make sure there is fresh linen and fresh fruit. Not sure how I’d go with the sharing-the-husband part but there certainly are other perks.
Sister Wives is a reality show that began airing in the States last month and will no doubt be here soon. I’m guessing on Foxtel. It takes viewers inside the world of plural families – plural in the sense that Kody Brown (the “master” of the house) has three wives and 13 children. TV executives must have been thrilled to bits when Koby announced in the first episode that he was going to bring in a fourth wife into the home. As you do.
The Sisters
Kody Brown says the reason behind opening his doors to viewers across the world was to remove the secrecy of polygamy. He has done quite a good job of that by becoming a household name in the US. The reality TV show has even caused the state of Utah to launch an investigation as polygamy is against the law. But the family maintain that they are happy with the risk they are taking by airing their private lives – for the sake of their family and their kids.
Kody also spoke out on people’s perceptions that polygamy was just a way for men to have sex with multiple partners. “” If I wanted sex with a lot of women there is a lot of barhopping I could do,” he explained. “It’s not something I’m interested in. I’m interested in a family, raising my children. If it were all about sex there’s just other easier venues, way easier.”
Do you see any benefits to this? Apart from, you know, to Kody? Having said that, juggling the emotional demands of 4 women simultaneously couldn’t be too big a bag of fun….
Comments
91 Comments so far
Don’t like the idea of this for myself but is it necessary for it to be illegal? It seems that there will always be polygamy in our society, even if it is a minority. Its tricky to determine if there should be laws against it if it is between consenting adults, perhaps if it were legal it would be easier to monitor and protect wives and children. Although i believe it is upsetting to think some women are satisfied in type of relationship, and this goes to show how far the feminist agenda still has to go, maybe its just none of my business.
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Read Under the banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. Nothing could be worse for women than polygamy.
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fantastic, shocking, eye opening book! i agree, there are deep and twisted roots to the concept of polygamy…not good for women and not good for children!
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Without going into the underage/gender equality/value of women issues (for once!) the biggest probem for me personally would be my husband falling in love with someone else. No thank you!
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I have no problem with polygamy per se, but the thing that bothers me is that polygamy is a part of a religious structure that promotes inequitable relationships between men and women. I believe that polygamy is a way of keeping women under the control of their husbands.
There’s a lot more to it than BIg love.
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couldn’t have said it better myself!
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Putting the issues of sex aside in this relationship, I think it belittles the women involved. They may ‘think’ this is a great lifestyle, with pretend sisters and a shared husband, but I believe these relationships are unhealthy in the long term. I truly can’t see how the women involved with a polygamist could have a truthful or loving relationship with a man who has to share himself with three other women. Emotionally, I think it would be eventually be hurtful and harrowing.
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I’ve had a bit of a think about this. My initial reaction was ick! Followed by why do the women have to share while the man is greedy? Don’t they get jealous? Are they allowed to court other men? (google says that’s a big no no) What about the 75 kids they have? How do they manage financially? Do they get picked on at school?
Then I thought some more. I am a firm believer in gay marriage. I can’t see why our society would want to deny two people in love, two human beings, that right because of their sexuality. So should we be so judgmental when people want to marry more than one person? Is it because we feel all the people in the relationship are not on equal footing? Is it that some members of the union seem to be disadvantaged or degraded (the woman who is basically a maid and nanny) while others benefit (the husband who gets to have his pick of four women every night, and the wife who has 5 kids and is studying at uni full time)?
I have decided that I can’t make up my mind. It’s not for me, but I don’t want to be judgmental. Why is it so difficult to accept a relationship between more than 2 people?
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if it isn’t hurting anyone whats the harm? as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, thats my opinion anyway.
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I recently read the book ‘The Lonely Polygamist’ by Brady Udall. It’s fiction but quite interesting and entertaining. There are all sorts of issues that having multiple wives brings.
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Ive just watch season 1 here in Canada. I was pretty horrified most weeks, then it was revealed that Mary the first wife grew up in a polygamist family so decided at 18 when she married Cody thats the direction she wanted the family to go in. Since then she has ‘matched’ Cody with the other wives, including her brothers ex wife. So it interesting that she now suffers from major jealousy issues, when its been her plan.
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I also live in Canada and just watched the first season. Only one of the wives wasn’t raised in a polygamous family and lost a lot of her family as a result. I agree with the Meri point, she introduced a few of the wives to Kody and now it appears she suffers from jealousy the most. But i did find the show fascinating. Actually i find a lot of shows on TLC quite interesting.
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what bout a show with 1 wife and 4 husbands !!!!!!!
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That would be about polygyny then
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Or rather polyandry?
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Yes got my poly’s mixed up. Polygyny’s the more common one (multiple wives).
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Or just plain crazy!
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You’d need four house maids to clean the extra mess
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I don’t disagree with polygamy in theory, but there are some really horrible things that surround it in real life because of the women shortage it creates. Firstly there’s the forcing underage girls to marry men because all of-age women are taken and younger women are generally more valued for their many more years to reproduce. And secondly there’s the exile of young boys and men from the society they have been brought up in to thin out the competition for women for the older more senior men.
The family on the TV show seem kind of normal and completely harmless, but they don’t really represent the larger issues of polygamy.
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Ooh this sounds fascinating. Imagine the financial benefits of having not one, not two, but FOUR potential incomes generated by the four adults? Hello, mansion! Hello, yacht!
Shame they have all those kids drying their finances. They could have really been onto something.
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I am so so so SOOOO fascinated by this topic. I’ll definitely be watching! Just dying to know how they manage the jealousy, knowing the man they love is in another room having sex with someone else he also loves.
Polygamy would never work for me but I have no idea why it’s illegal. If everyone is happy and no-one has been coerced what on earth is the problem? I mean, if my husband and I decided to take in two female boarders and he started having sex with both of them and got them pregnant and we all raised the kids together, no-one would come and arrest us (though I might murder my husband….)
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didnt they arrest some guy in bankstown for doing something similar???? having vague memories. but i think the issue with Cody is that all the wives claim health insurance / benefits through his employer which is not allowed(im living in Canada and the health insurance stuff is really different here compared to back home)
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What a joke.I wouldn’t dignify this crap by watching it. Given that boys & girls are born in roughly a 50/50 ratio what’s supposed to happen to all the boys who can’t find any partners. Let’s see the tv execs put a glossy spin on young men being bullied & chased from their communities by insecure ‘masters’.Why does it work one way, why can’t a woman have multiple husbands. I pity these fools.
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Based on my extensive research into polygamy (watching three series of Big Love) the biggest problem seems to be a question of worth: one man is worth four (or more) women.
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Just as long as I get to get down and dirty with my other wives as well as my husband! I’d be up for it!
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That’s what I thought too Jess. However I think most of the books, shows, doco’s I’ve seen are still about hetro people and not Bi. Again making it less about sex, more about the family.
Would be much more fun if it was like this though..
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I know I have a romantic tendancy, but for me the problem with polygamy would be not being the ‘one’, or a soul mate. I really wouldn’t want to be one of a crowd in my marriage – let alone knowing that my husband was out looking for another partner while I was at home with his other wives keeping the family going.
My self respect would not allow it. Perhaps my reaction is cultural and it is only my opinion but it is a strong belief for me.
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4 wives I guess that means 4 x the PMS?
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Woundnt they end up cycling together. Imagaine a week with 4 PMSing wifes!
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They’re pregnant or breast-feeding most of the time so there wouldn’t be much PMS!
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All this does is prove that modern western society is turning into a big pile of shit.
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I guess you mean that anyone is interested in watching it? Because polygamy is hardly a modern concept…
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I can’t imagine spreading myself across more than one partner…my husband and I often joke we don’t have time for affairs. Keeping myself and him in as close to wedded bliss as possible is a big enough job for me (and we don’t even have to worry about kidlets yet). I couldn’t care less what other people choose to do with their own love lives, though. Maybe they are more organised than me? Imagine the calendar in that kitchen.
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I have actually watched every episode of Sister Wives, it is really fascinating.
From all accounts the family functions quite normally. Kody and Janelle work full time as the breadwinners, one wife tends to do more of the cooking, all the kids get along really well. You can tell the wives are really good friends and they complement each other. Kody is great with his kids and makes sure he spends time with all of his wives and children. Of course it isn’t all a bed of roses, the wives speak about their jealousy issues and how it feels to share Kody. But they seem to genuinely like the way they live. You can tell it was a choice for all involved.
I have also read both of Carolyn Jessop’s books about escaping from the FLDS polygamist cult (as a point of interest her ex-husband was in charge of the Texas YFZ ranch raided in 2008 for suspected child abuse and under-age marraige). Her story was shocking and it made me angry that such things could happen in a first world country. I highly recommend her books, it makes you appreciate your own freedoms more. She is truly remarkable.
Two very different perspectives on the same lifestyle.
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I would say that’s the highly edited version of their lives that they want you to see.
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Doesn’t it make you angry that these things could happen in any country? First world or otherwise.
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Yes it does, but the US have the resources to stop the abuse of members in the FLDS cult.
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I saw the first season of Big Love just recently, slightly aghast as I actually didn’t know what the premise was before I starting watching. My first reaction was horror, I guess because it’s so far removed from the values we hold dear within our society and the importance we place on monogamy. I’d never actually spent any time thinking about it before, just assuming polygamist males were in it for the obvious reason of sex with as many women as possible. However Big Love made me consider why they really do it and how difficult it actually is, taking care of such a big family and catering to the needs of not only several very different women, but also all those children. Nightmare! Not sure why anyone would want to spread themselves that thin. Each to their own though, and as long as no-one is getting hurt or abused (the matter of 14 year old girls being married to 70 year old men in some of those compounds is slightly alarming), then good luck to them.
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I really enjoy Big Love!
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If consenting adults want to live in plural marriage – I say let them go for it… BUT I have read some of the books written by women and girls who were raised in the compounds of Utah and Colorado City and the they are just treated like servants and breading machines. Also in some of the compounds the kids finish school after primary school. Carolyn Jessop has written two books about it and the conditions sound harrowing.
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I love her books. Really thought provoking
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I think you meant breeding machines!
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I know a number of people, both male and female, who are polyamourists. They have multiple partners, it is based on open communication between all the partners.
These can be highly successful, highly complementary relationships.
The majority of the relationships that I know of complete each others strenghts and fill in for weaknesses in each other.
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Yes, I can see it working too, Francine. As a ‘God-given’ right for husbands to have multiple wives, not so much. Complementary relationships like you describe – yes, why not?
Like the man says, it ain’t all about sex.
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If polygamy existed in the magic land of freedom fairies where everyone was liberated and educated and equal, perhaps.
But it exists in the controlling world of FLDS, so I pick not.
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I just think if we can accept different families beyond the 1950s heterosexual nuclear family now (adoptive families, step families, blended families, gay parent families, single parent families, etc), why CAN’T we be cool with polygamy? If it’s all consenting adults and any children are fed and clothed and loved and educated, then I find it difficult to fathom the arguments against it.
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Exactly what I was thinking, Amber_Pip, why would people believe Polygamy was okay between consenting adults when they don’t believe in gay marriage – and/or vice versa?
I suppose the only issue is the legalities – who is seen by law as having rights to things that are only recognised by our society in man-woman relationships.
When I was on Austudy I had to prove my male flatmate wasn’t my de facto – but there was no call for that when I lived with a female. Why? Who’s to say I wasn’t in a gay relationship and she was supporting me??
If these polygamists aren’t on welfare I have no issue!
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Why is it that it’s always the men who have 3 or 4 wives? Any examples of women having multiple husbands??
Hmm.
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Polygamists place a big emphasis on family, and the bigger the family the better. With only 1 wife, she could have 100 husbands but she couldn’t make the family bigger any faster than a monogamous family. In that sense it only works with multiple wives, instead of multiple husbands.
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One is bad enough- imagine the sexual demands of 4 husbands- they would have to fancy each other or it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t think of anything worse the 4 men.
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I learnt about an example of polyandry a couple of years ago – there were tribes in Tibet where one woman had multiple husbands that were often brothers. Can’t remember exactly why they did this but might have something to do with marriages being linked with property inheritance.
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I think it relates to not splitting small properties or inheritance between brothers on their marriage.
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And their nomadic lifestyle – while one brother was away the other could be looking after the home and family.
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Are you joking?????? More than one to clean up after?????
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There are many examples in nature of females living in a group (a lion pride, for example) and only ‘entertaining’ a male when they (or their cycle) decide(s).
In that regard, it’s actually quite empowering – the female doesn’t NEED a male, she’s perfectly content with her girlfriends, raising their young as a team…
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Jeepers ! Four mothers-in-law !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I could NEVER understand the idea of polygamy until I watched Big Love. It’s such a compelling, interesting show! And I love that it made me see things from a different perspective.
A good point my boyfriend made while watching it was, “If we can love more than one child with all our heart and soul, why not more than one partner?”
After watching the show, that made sense to me.
I could never do it myself – because of how I was raised – but their religion is all about how families (the bigger the better) are a path to God. (That is very over-simplified I know, but basically!)
I liked how the show also highlighted the dangerous, corrupt and scary parts of polygamy – the compounds and leaders having absolute power and whatnot – but the basis of the show’s main family is that creating special, loving relationships with you family is the most important thing. And I thought that was lovely.
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The comment your boyfriend made is very interesting. I’ve never thought about it like that. It certainly sheds some light on polygamy – although I don’t think I could ever do it myself.
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to make a creepier situation even creepier, apparently the new wife’s ex-husband is another wife’s brother.
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wel, hum-diddly-dang-tiddly-squat. wtf?! LOL.
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I recently watched a program on different ways of finding love by brit journo Dawn Porter.
She went and lived with a polygamist family in the US, as well as becoming a geisha, living in a free love community in Germany, and visiting mail brides in Eastern Europe.
What I found interesting was that from the Polygamists POV (although you really only saw the wives, only one husband would go on camera) was that it was about procreation of children – not so much mutual companionship/love; all that was priority 2 or 3.
Secondly, it seemed to me that they were ok with being in a polygamist relationship because that was all they knew. These people lived in a very isolated community of only other polygamist families – it was hard to say if they had even considered the idea of monogamy. But I’m not sure if that is such a bad thing. There wasn’t any evidence of coercion or forced marriages.
It really not for me, but they seemed like loving hosueholds with lots of healthy, happy children, so I say – live and let love.
What I did find creepy on this particularly program, was that it seemed like the man could ‘date’ other women who were potiental ‘brides’… I don’t know what other situation would be ideal for getting to know if a new wife was a good match, but ‘dating’ someone seemed a bit creepy. Almost like cheating.
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That’s the bit I don’t really get either … the man can obviously date and flirt etc, but do the women get to do that?
Genuine question – have never watched any of these shows, so maybe they are able to?
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I don’t know Eloise, I didnt see that on the show I watched… but it was pretty sanitised.
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According to Big Love, definitely not. Female ‘indiscretion’ is a huge no no.
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Hmmmm … ok, then I guess I’m not so keen.
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The difficult thing with polygamy is the gender imbalance. Many teenage boys are ejected from their communities, to maintain the balance necessary for polygamy. Google ‘lost boys’
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I often joke that I need a wife
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i know that for a majority of households wives are the party doing the most of the cooking and cleaning etc. so references to personal experiences is only natural.
but the only way we’re going to change those gender types is if we don’t normalise them so much. when we joke about wanting another wife to do those tasks, we are just joking. but we’re also continuing the stereotype.
and it works both ways as we saw with the ideas that emerged in the stephen fry story and the ‘hire a hubby’ concept. while it is just a bit of tongue in cheek, it still perpetuates the gendered culture that we can’t seem to escape.
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edit: *james may story (englishman confusion)
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Heh, they do actually look a bit alike, since Fry lost weight.
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Totally agree!
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I have always been of the belief that every marriage needs two wives. Me, plus one other wife to do the cooking, cleaning and all the other wifely things I don’t want to do. That way, I’d get to spend more time with my husband and kids.
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I believe there is a name for that wife – a maid!
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If she’s also a wife, you don’t have to pay her I guess…
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OR you could split it up with your husband. Y’know, have a partnership and all…
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Sorry, I just keep thinking sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths….
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I was wondering about their sex lives. What if all 4 women have high sex drives…wouldn’t the poor guy get tired?
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With 13 kids between them?
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Wow. While polygamy isn’t for me I’m all for “live and let live”. But I’m surprised that it’s against the law. As for the situation itself, I guess there are pros and cons, like everything else in life. I have a fiance (just 1) and while I love him to bits, I couldn’t handle another 3 of him. (He says 4 women nagging him would bring him to an early grave).
While it isn’t my thing I am curious about this topic.
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I think polygamy is against the law, but I think they get around it by only being legally married to one wife…well that is my understanding.
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It also means many of these families are claiming single parent benefits for the women not married to the man.
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well that seems rather unfair!! The polygamists I saw lived in huge mansions – I imagine that isn’t the case for all – but I’d be mighty unhappy to be a US citizen knowing that old mate and his 4 wives down the road in their mansion were claiming benefits!
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I don’t know what they do in the US, but a relative of mine – now deceased – had two wives. One was his legal wife; to the best of my knowledge the other was indeed claiming sole parent. They had 16 kids between them.
I also don’t recall it being a harmonious household.
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Surely not having to cook dinner every freakin’ night would be a benefit. Oh and someone that likes ironing could be handy too. I could definitely do with a wife!
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How come the women don’t get to also have four husbands?
You’d think that maybe some additional housekeeping may get done – but scaling the work to 13 children means everyone still has to work their butt off to feed, clothe, educate their children.
And I wonder what sort of self-esteem you would have as a woman to let a man marry you plus three others. How many women is he dating before deciding to settle down with his third or fourth wife?
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You can’t do it in church but there are women in multi relationships with more than one man in a structured way, they tend to call themselves polyamorous to distinguish themselves from polygamists (who aren’t legally married beyond one wife anyway).
They just tend to keep a lower profile, I read one article where the woman said her poly is very low key because they worry about losing their children or seeing their children teased.
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I don’t think it’s a case of “the women don’t GET to have four husbands”, maybe they really are just fine with the situation. I don’t see anything in this article that makes it seem the women were coerced into anything or entered this relationship blindly.
If everyone is honest with each other and it’s not an incestuous pedophilia brainwashing cult type of bigamy going on, we monogamous folk shouldn’t be so quick to judge lifestyles alternative to ours.
I love Dan Savage’s sex-based column “Savage Love” (http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=5395779) because other than tolerance for people’s sexual quirks, he also teaches tolerance for non-sexual life quirks most especially that monogamy is not for everyone.
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There was a fascinating article about Tilda Swinton in the Fairfax weekend news about 18 months ago… she’s in a polyamorous relationship with two men.
Of course, if they are really all happy together then power to them. The mormon faith just doesn’t strike me as particularly equal when it comes to women choosing to marry more than one man. But maybe I don’t know enough about it.
Love Dan Savage.
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Tilda’s always fascinated me (from her earliest work in “Orlando” through to the more recent “I am Love”) – and that her relationship parameters are ‘less conventional’ than the ‘good anglo-saxon’ model – ha, who said love has to be done as a specific blueprint? If it isn’t illegal (no, it’s not multiple marriages, right?), and it works between consenting adults, then whatever floats her boat
-privately between myself and the Mamamia community *she says tongue-in-cheek*, I reckon it’s cause for a “go girl!”
Of course our own loveable rogue, Jack Thompson, was in an open live-in relationship for 15 years with 2 women – long time ago now, but was acceptable to all parties then, and they were open about it.
(http://www.abc.net.au/tv/enoughrope/transcripts/s1379785.htm)
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I think the one man, many wives scenario is about procreation – i.e. maximising the number of children you bring into the world. That wouldnt work so well with one woman and many men…
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Well that’s very practical.
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