“Love grows downwards” a friend once said to me. “You will always love your children more than they love you”
And it’s true. I do love my child more than he could possibly love me. In fact I love him more than anyone I have ever loved before and in a completely different way. It’s an emotion and a feeling so strong that the word “love” doesn’t really do it justice.
Yet every time I tell him that I love him more than anyone else on earth he always asks, without fail, “what about daddy?”
Maybe he’s been chatting with the Urban/Kidman children. Country music star Keith Urban (who we have been, “rediscovering” since he appeared on The Voice) recently spoke to the Australian Women’s Weekly about the love he has for his wife Nicole Kidman and their kids.
“We’re very, very tight as a family unit and the children are our life, but I know the order of my love. It’s my wife and then my daughters. I just think it’s really important for the kids.”
“There are too many parents who start to lose the plot a little and start to give all their love to the kids, and then the partner starts to go without. And then everybody loses. As a kid, all I needed to know was that my parents were solid. Kids shouldn’t feel like they are being favoured. It’s a dangerous place.”
And I so get it from the children’s perspective. I know that my own child needs to know how much I love his father. It makes him feel safe. Maybe I understand this even more having dealt with the divorce of my own parents at age 10.
There was no doubt my parents no longer loved each other when I was a child, but all I really wanted was that they both love me. Selfish? Maybe. Immature? Probably. Their loving me was going to keep me safe when they no longer had each other.
Keith Urban is not the first person to publicly declare his love for his partner over his love for his children. Ayelet Waldman caused a public outcry in 2005 when she wrote an essay for The New York Times. Talking about the birth of her daughter she wrote:
She looked like a newborn baby, red and scrawny, blotchy faced and mewling. I don’t remember what I said to my husband. Actually I remember very little of my Percocet- and Vicodin-fogged first few days of motherhood except for someone calling and squealing, “Aren’t you just completely in love?” And of course I was. Just not with my baby.
I do love her. But I’m not in love with her. Nor with her two brothers or sister. Yes, I have four children. Four children with whom I spend a good part of every day: bathing them, combing their hair, sitting with them while they do their homework, holding them while they weep their tragic tears. But I’m not in love with any of them. I am in love with my husband.
It is his face that inspires in me paroxysms of infatuated devotion. If a good mother is one who loves her child more than anyone else in the world, I am not a good mother. I am in fact a bad mother. I love my husband more than I love my children.
It was something seldom said. Something that seemed almost taboo. Imagine saying that you love your partner more than you love your child? Even if it’s true. And why do we as a society find that so hard to hear?
Her honesty won her a spot on Oprah, it spawned a book and it certainly allowed mothers to look at the way they feel about their children with a little more honesty. Surely it doesn’t make you a bad mother if you love your husband more than you love your child and certainly not if you love them in a different way.
I’ve spent a lot of time ruminating on my love for my husband. And of course for my child but I can’t control the depth of feeling that I have for my child. The love I have for him is so hugely different to the love that I have for his father.
He’s got his father in him and I love that about him – but I also love all the other parts that make him my son – the bits of me, the parts of my own parents and my siblings that I see in him. Some days I even love the parts of him that clearly come from my husband’s side of the family. He represents all the good in my life and truth be told as much as I love my husband, and I do, there is no greater love I know than the love for my own child.
And he’s just going to have to deal with it. Even if Keith Urban thinks it’s dangerous.
Michelle Obama with Malia and Sasha
Do you love your kids more than you love your partner? Do you think your parents loved you as much as they loved each other?
Comments
169 Comments so far
I love my children way more than I love my husband and I feel no guilt over this. My mother in law dissolved my respect for him prior to my twins birth which blew me away. She still holds the apron strings. I wish we were in love instead of just staying together for the children but he is an awesome loving kind dad and I would never leave him as it would break all of our hearts. Our children come first and their happiness is both of our priorities. We do not argue in front of them or interfere with each others decisions. It would be gold if one day we could find help and time to fall in love again. Divorce is selfish and not an option. I do however long for companionship, laughter and love from a partner instead of just from my children but, I would never trust another man with my children and am prepared to continue as I do with my loveless marriage.
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When I was last to leave the house and my home town for university, my mother sobbed and sobbed for weeks, asking me if she could come with me as she didnt want to be left with my father. I resented her so much for the guilt I carried for ‘abondoning’ her and it made me realise just how unhappy they were, mainly b/c the kids distracted them from each other.
In the end, they spent another 25 years ‘alone’ miserable and feeling ‘neglected’ by their children. I wished they either were in love to be happy to spend time together and were each others priorities or had separated to have found happiness somewhere with someone, anyone, and not relied on their children to meet that insatiable need.
Now as a parent, I try to focus on my partner first, not at the expense of our gorgoeous children, but for us as a couple, a parenting team, and as a family. And my kids love it when we’re happy and affectionate so partner-love certainly feeds down to all for the good of all.
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I think that its silly. Here we are sitting happily in our homes and then boom….. Can of worms gets opened up.
I think that yes it is important to make sure your relationship with your spouse is nourished and not forgotten in routine, but if my partner would ever be jealous of my love for our children, I would just think, geez you are an adult and we made this choice together to start a family. Do not be jealous, learn to share!
You love each and every child the same, not one more than the other.i treat my partner the same, I love him in no measure comparison to my children. Love just is. It has no specifications or guidelines and is unique that every person on this planet feels it in their own way and will love somebody according to what enriches them as an individual.
I want my children to grow up with equality as a big moral. If my children thought I loved their dad more than them it would be horrible for them. Just because they might get it when they were older would not take away from the hurt they would feel in that moment. Theres so much more I could carry on with but wont.
At the end of the day everyone is entitled to their own opinion and for it to be heard. To love how they want to love.
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The pictures of Patrick Dempsey and Jack Black are gorgeous!
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I’m with you, sister.
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For me it is God, then my husband then my children. A strong relationship with God helps me be strong, my relationship with my husband helps me be a better parent. I think if I tried to turn that around, it wouldn’t work….being a parent doesn’t help my marriage, being married doesn’t help my relationship with God. Therefore the priorities have to flow in the other direction.
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this article and the comments below are quite thought provoking. Something I hadn’t explored before. Sitting here with my hubby in the loungeroom and the kids running riot, I ponder. If anything happened to them how would i cope/handle it. And just now, rightly or wrongly, i think i could go on without my kids. Yes i would be devestated but I would have my usband to support me and me to support him and we would have each other. if something happened to my husband….I dont think i could/would cope. I am sure if it did eventuate, i would make it through, for the children, but losing my husband would be harder for me that losing my children. God forbid either ever happens! Does that mean I love my Hubby more? probably, is it him who helps me cope with the challeneges of being a parent…absolutely.!
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I know that my parents love us and would do anything for my brother and myself but I also know that they love each other more and if s**t came to shove they would choose each other over us without even blinking. And that makes me happy and a believer in true love.
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My parents are the same way! And that’s how it should be! However, there needs to be a balance, you can love your husband more than the kids and the husband can love the wife more than the kids, yet att he same time put the children’s needs first and try to save them first since they have an entire life ahead of them!
This wouldn’t mean that the spouses would be loving each other less, just acknowledging that their lives are more important since they havent lived their lives yet.
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Loving getting to know Urban better on The Voice. What a sweety! In the above article though, he seems disconnected to his instincts when he talks about one partner “giving” all their love to the kids. Is love such a clinical thing? I don’t think love is something we give at all. It’s something we feel and we can’t make the choice to cap it at some level. Don’t we just feel it regardless of choice. I love my husband of 20 years but it’s definitely conditional. I couldn’t imagine my love for him lasting long if he was abusive but I know I’d still love my children even if they were abusive forever.
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Definitely kids – unconditional, selfless, never ending love.
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Why does one love need to be greater than the other? The love I have for my kids is different to the love I have for my partner but neither is less or more than the other – just different.
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During marriage counselling with my ex we were told that if our marriage was to survive (or anyone’s for that matter) your love for your partner needed to be more than anything else – parents, future children, etc. and the reason behind this was you choose your partner but your children and parents were given to you. Especially your children – they are only loaned to us to help guide them til they lead their own life. It was something that reasonated with me and when my ex’s mother asked him who he loved more – her or me and he said I love you the same (was holding his 12 week old baby at the time) I knew it was all over, especially as I had had to listened to him say how much he hated his mother for so long.
Even now with a new partner, whilst I love my son so much, the love I have for my boyfriend is different and I prioritise this as long term we are choosing to be together and as much as I would love for my son to be around me forever, I am raising him to be an independent boy and know that he will have his own life and at that time so will I – and so therefore I need to ensure that my relationship with my partner lasts til then and therefore gets the attention it needs now.
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I don’t think it is about loving one more than the other. What is important, in my opinion, is that your spouse remains a priority, and you do not forsake your relationship and only focus on the children. I think it is really important that children see and experience the love their parents have for each other – it is an important part of their development and sense of security.
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Your comment sums up my feelings on this story.
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I absolutely agree. My mother’s number one advice to me when I met my partner was that he should be my priority and I should be his. Everything else will fall into place.
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If Keith really loved her best he would say ‘Hey Nik, give me the little one so you can sort out the lining of your dress that is clearly all hoiked up for the world to see’.
That is all
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Ohhh I just thought it was a flash reflection on her dress. I didn’t realise it was see through!
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I never really thought about it until I read this article. After a quick thought it’s definately clear that I love my children more than my husband. But I can see where it can be dangerous and the father feels neglected and sometimes jealous.
Will make a mental note to make sure I tell my husband that I love him just as often as I tell my children.
So count me in as one of the ‘bad mothers’.
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I only just had the chance to look through the gallergy… Patrick Dempsey and babies… what a photo!
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I love my kids and husband exactly the same. It’s a no brainer for me
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A lot (?everyone) has been saying that they would love their kids unconditionally. Sometimes really bad things happen and people don’t any longer.
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My parents also told us at some stage that while they love us very much, they loved each other that bit more. They said they would be living with each other all their lives not us and were therefore each other primary relationship. We managed to deal with it. Years later I see what they mean. Me and hubby will be by ourselves one day and I intend to have a good relationship with him still.
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Interesting, that’s something similar to what my mom told my sister when my sister confronted her that my mother loved our dad more than us. I’m a proud son! Trust me our mother loves us beyond words to describe! She just loveso ur dad more, probably just by a little.
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Does it need to be an order? Or even a spectrum? Isn’t it a fuzzy match of feelings. Love encompasses all types of relationships, and ebbs and flows depending on the stage of life you are in. A funeral for an old friend can stir up strong emotions. Once love, always loved is my take.
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First and foremost I am in love with my husband, and have been since almost the first day we met. Second, and also foremost (?) what I feel for my children is that deep, adoring soup of emotions that isn’t really captured by the word ‘love’ – it’s something more primal. Neither trumps the other, in fact, they strangely complement one another.
Third, I am reminded of an uncomfortable truth from my childhood – that my own parents never really loved one another the way that my husband and I love each other. I won’t go into how I know, I just do. Because of this my siblings and I became the focus of their care and attention, almost to the point of suffocation. I vowed not to do the same to my children. I made finding a true soulmate a priority, so that my kids could see what it was like to be really, truly loved by a life partner. I feel very blessed.
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My mom used to tell me that love isn’t like a cake that you have to share around and that she couldn’t measure how much she loves me, my brother and my father (because I love you all so much!). And yes I used to make her include the animals in that statement.
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I just had another thought about the love between parents and children (this time, leaving out the love for a spouse).
I wonder if it changes as well all grow older?
What I mean is that, as a young child, your parents (usually) are your whole world. You love and trust them with every ounce of yourself. And you don’t really know any other kind of love (except that for your siblings maybe?).
I am 38 now and still love my parents to pieces (although they drive me bonkers) and I will of course be so very sad when they are no longer around.
But I am also a parent of young children now and the love I have for them is far far greater than the love I have for my parents. Again, it’s a different kind of love, but still, it’s so much more powerful that what I feel for my parents, now, in this stage of my life.
My girls are always telling me how much they love me and me to them (along the lines of the book ‘Guess How Much I Love You’), trying to outdo each other’s love! And while they are still so small and their dad and I are their ‘world’, until they have kids of their own, they won’t really know just how much I do love them
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Yep, it’s a totally different kind of love.
My husband and I chose each other. I love him more than any other adult person in the world and hope it never changes.
My daughters, I love them so much that it can my breath away sometimes. It’s overwhelmingly powerful the love I feel for them.
I do like Keith’s comment about it being important for the kids to see the love their parents have for each other. That in itself is a beautiful way to express the love you have for your children. If that makes any sense… well, it does in my mind!
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Last year when my dad was sick and we didn’t know what was wrong, my bro and I flew interstate to see them. Mum sobbed on my shoulder, so scared of losing my dad. ‘He’s my whole life’ she said. Then, ‘And I’ve always felt guilty because I love him more than you kids’. My response, without even thinking was ‘You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about. We’ve had a great, secure upbringing – and have always know we are loved – probably made stronger by the great partnership and team you and dad make.’
I think that there is a special bond between parents and their children. But we shouldn’t underestimate the power of a love that is chosen, that exists between a man and his wife.
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I love my daughter to pieces. I didn’t at first, I was shocked that I wasn’t head over heels in love with her the moment I saw her – I thought I was supposed to be, that’s what everyone says happens, but it didn’t for me. Took me a while to deal with that. But now, I totally and utterly love her. However, I am IN love with my husband. My wonderful, gorgeous, supportive, beautiful, gentle, loving husband. And he is IN love with me. I get the first kiss when he comes home at night. Our little baby smiles and laughs when she sees us kiss. Probably more because she knows her daddy is about to scoop her up in his arms and smoother her with kisses (like I do all day) to, but it’s important for her to see how much we love each other. I am sure she is in no doubt that we are totally besotted and crazy about her, but we are totally devoted and IN love with each other.
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Oh great, another thing to feel guilty about… that I don’t love my husband in the correct ratio to my children. Thanks Keith!
No seriously; I agree with those who (correctly) point out it’s a different sort of love. It’s like saying what do you love more, breathing or sleeping?
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Ive been thinking about this for a while after seeing it on another website where 90% of the comments were about how kids come first. I felt like it was a bit wrong for me to agree with Keith, but i do. my husband and I intend to spend the rest of our days together, and raise a family who will grow up and live their own independent lives. I know too many mothers who lose their purpose when their kids leave home and haven’t nurtured their adult relationship. I wonder if it is because kids are vulnerable and spouses are seen as more resilient.
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Good point. I totally agree with you.
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My future MIL apparently used to tell her kids, “I love your dad more than you because he helped me make you”. I’ve always thought that’s a little bit cute
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I love my girls so much that I almost forgot about my love for my husband. It’s there and I’m learning to bring it back because he’s amazing and my life would be so empty without him. But the love you have for your kids can be all consuming. It’s hard to put a stopper on that love – it’s just there in big, BIG amounts.
My husband feels the same way that Keith Urban does. I wonder if it’s a male thing?
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I agree with the theory that it’s a male thing; my husband has said in the past that he loves me more than the children, and I have a friend who’s hubby says the same.
Personally, I can’t tell you who is loved more on my list, because it’s not something I’ve given a great deal of thought to! I love my husband. I love my children. I don’t think it’s necessary to define who is loved more, and I definately don’t plan on telling any of them (If I ever do figure it out!)
I love that my parents never let us feel that there were any favourites, and that includes Dad. It’s something that I’m determined to do with our family too.
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I hear where you’re coming from re the male thing. I think my husband is different though. I’ve never asked him, but I’m pretty sure he would drive over me in a tractor to get to our daughter if she was in trouble – he is absolutely besotted with her. Which is completely understandably because she is totally adorable
Don’t get me wrong, I know he loves me to death too, but in a completely different way.
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Why does love have to be hierarchical?
I feel big fat love for both my husband and my son. Both loves are different but NEITHER is more important than the other. I think when you start saying you love any one important family member more or less than another, that is when it gets “dangerous”.
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I love my husband dearly, but nothing compares to how I feel about my children. I will love them more than anything in the world forever, despite anything they may do. My husband, I hope to love forever, but if he ran off with the next-door neighbour and all our money I might feel a bit differently. Unconditional and conditional love, I think thats the difference.
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Someone once told me,
‘the best thing a father can do for his kids is love their mother’
(and vice versa) i really believe this, i come from a big family (6kids) and we had an extremely loving childhood, i always felt very confident in the love my parents had for me.
but there was some thing extra special that they shared with each other, and their strong loving marriage is the rock our whole family unit. so i dont really think its about who you love more, its a different kind of love, and when you have all of them they create a very strong, loving family unit.
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The order of my love is crime prevention from beauty that comes with life , that comes with success should be admired and NOT touched.
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Eh?
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I don’t understand how the love between partners and a parent and child even compares. It’s two very different types of relationship.
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A man (Indian man who is in an arranged marriage with a wife who he doesn’t love but has a duty to) once told me that the love you have for your kids is unconditional but the love for a spouse is conditional. I thought this summed it up nicely, kids can do anything and still have your love, spouse not so much so.
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Yes, I agree. The love you have for your children is absolutely unconditional. The love we have for our spouse is conditional in the sense that if they betray us we can fall out of love and divorce. That is usually not so with our children.
I am a little uneasy about putting love in little labelled boxes ….. like we used to as kids… best friend, 2nd best friend, 3rd best friend and so on. The love I have for my husband is different to the love I have for my children. AND each child I love differently, but I love them all supremely, I would die for them.
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Would you die for your husband???
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Yes, I love him so much. He is a beautiful human being who is loyal and caring. We are very lucky and I do not take that for granted. I just have a problem the measure of more or less than…
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Why rank it? Love is love is love. Whichever way you put it, someone is always coming second and excuse me if I’m wrong but love shouldn’t be a contest. Keith Urban should stick to what he does best, mouthing along with contestants on The Voice.
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when i fell pregnant (to our absolute joy) with our first child, my husband and i talked about exactly this. having grown up in loving and functioning, yet broken homes we had lot of ideals about how we would and wouldn’t raise our children. one of the commitments we made to each other wasn’t so much about loving each other more or less than we would our kids, but about prioritizing each others happiness. and we still try to adhere to this even now with two kids under three.
i think sometimes as parents we get so wrapped up in a children, our love for them and our commitment to their happiness that we put the happiness of ourselves and our partner to the side. but it’s so short sighted.
I honestly believe that if Mum is happy and Dad is happy, then the kids will be happy. And sometimes this requires putting your partner first. Putting yourself first. I’m sure like everyone other Mum out there, my time is in high demand. My son always wants my full attention, as does my daughter and while not as constant, my husband requires my full attention sometimes to. And when he does, and when I need his, we put each other first. Help each other, talk things out, take time to have a cuddle, kiss, cry, whinge… Sometimes the kids get opening annoyed and clearly want to be put first, but equally I know they love to see Mum & Dad happy.
I get what Keith is saying here. I think it’s a funny use of words, because at the end of the day I’m never going to love my husband the way I love my kids, but I’m never going to love my kids the way I love him, or him the way I love my best friend or sister or Mum or… well, you name it. Love isn’t about the ‘most’ – it’s unique for everyone. If you try to compare or rank how much love people you’re trying to label something that cannot even be explained, let alone categorized!
But I agree with the sentiment of what he says. If as parents you look after each other, put each other first and keep each other happy then that happiness will flow onto your kids.
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I am pregnant with my first baby, and after reading all the responses here I am going to follow your lead and bring this up and discuss it.
We had very different experiences growing up (me from a stable home with parents still together and happy, him from broken / disfunctional) so I think its going to be very important to discuss before the baby arrives and we fall deeply in love!
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I think it is a completely different kind of love and impossible to compare but also think it is a terrible mistake to neglect your relationship because you are so focused on your children.
One of the greatest things you can give your children is a happy home and a wonderful example of a flawed but happy relationship.
Plus, one day your kids will grow up and live their own lives … you don’t want to end up sitting across the breakfast table with a stranger whose only relevance is that he is the father of your children.
mummyateme.blogspot.com.au
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I totally agree with Keith. My parents have been happily married for 44 years (they still hold hands, in public, at 70+), and when a friend of mine asked a few years ago the secret of their ‘success’ my mum explained that it was because they had consciously decided to always put the relationship first. Spouse first, kids second. When I heard that I was initially a bit put out, but thinking about it I never really noticed it growing up. There was never a lack of love for us. Just 2 very solid parents who have always been a great partnership. They’ve also always had their own interests, which taught us that it’s OK to have a strong sense of self and of relationship, along with a sense of family.
I think it’s a great model, and my husband and I have adopted it in our own family.
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My children are the greatest love I’ve ever known. Whether that says more about how I love them than it does about the rubbish relationships I’ve had…I don’t know!
I understand Keith’s sentiment, but I’d like to ask Nicole her opinion. The maternal bond is quite different.
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I heard many years ago that the best thing a man can do for his childen is to love their mother. Sadly it doesn’t always apply for all kinds of different reasons, but I think I know where Keith is coming from. His parents must have had a solid relationship that has influenced his outlook.
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I don’t think it matters who you love the most as such, but I do think it is very important that your children know that you love your partner and will put them first sometimes.
To be honest, I think putting your kids up on a pedestal where they are considered the “best thing that happened” to you is dangerous. Although I wouldn’t go so far as to say that children should be seen and not heard, there are definitly times when I will make it very clear that Dad is the one who is more important at this moment.
I love my kids unconditionally, they know that, as well as a 4yo and 6yo possibly can but to suggest that they come before my relationship with my husband would be mental. Luckily I can’t even imagine a situation when I would have to chose one over the other but at the end of the day it is the relationship I have with their father that gives them the stability and security that they need to feel safe and happy so it is a win/win. ALso – I am a lot nicer/happier within myself when my husband and I are feeling connected – and that makes it easier for everyone. I guess by putting that relationship first I am also putting myself first – it is very tiring when you are the one dishing out the love and not getting any back and my husband is much better at giving it back in a way that makes me happy.
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I read with interest that piece by the woman who was adament she loved her husband most and found it intriguing and bewildering. Like many people have said, I love my children and my husband in different ways, but I could never imagine loving a man in the soul encompassing way I love my children. For me, that old saying about your heart living outside of your body once you have kids – I get that totally. And I don’t think I would want to love my husband that way to be honest. Too scary. In my family we lost my stepbrother at a young age and I don’t know how my stepmother lived through it. I think that even more so now that I am a mother. But if my husband left me or god forbid, died, I would cope. I’m not sure how exactly. But I know I would.
I guess from what I’ve seen romantic love can fade or be killed off with betrayal – it is rarely forever, but my love for my children is.
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Well kids are hard work, and they make you tired, and they ask too many questions, and they can’t bring you wine, and they are always hungry and they mess up their rooms and sometimes they are very smelly! So why is it I LOVE my 3 to the moon and back and probably more than life itself? It’s confusing! I love their dad oh so much but there’s conditions attached. Husbands are hard work too….It’s not a competition at our place so long as they all love me the most!
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I wonder if Nicole feels the same way as Keith?
I find this strange though, I don’t have children but I would believe that the love felt for a partner would be different to the love for a child? As in my partner comes first in spousal love and my children come first in maternal love?
I’d imagine that the love I’d feel for my children would be all consuming and in turn would come full circle to my partner for giving me a child.
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My parents always put us (the kids) before each other.
I wonder what it would have been like to live in a household where my parents were truly in love.
As for me, my partner and I love each other deeply, and work hard on our relationship because it is our priority. We don’t have kids yet but I don’t think that will ever change.
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I love my kids. It’s a hormonal, soul deep, eternal, heartbreaking kind of love.
But I am in love with my husband. It’s very physical, very mental. And it’s also conditional.
I would love my kids if they were gutter dwelling, murdering crackheads. My husband? Not so much. I think the shine would fade.
But I do put my relationship with my husband ahead of that with my kids, probably for exactly that reason. It requires effort, on both our behalves. We need to be kind to each other, show love, spend time. While our babies are still young, it’s not hard to give them time and attention – it’s just part of daily life. Making time for the marriage is harder.
http://the-accidental-housewife.blogspot.com.au
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And it’s also important to remember when your kids grow up, leave and have families of their own, your husband will still be there. So important not to neglect.
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Sometimes life is very complicated.
My love is circular. I loved my wife before I ever had kids, but from the moment my kids were born, I just loved them more, so much so that it’s painful thinking that one day my babies will not be babies.
The circular part; because I love my children so intensely, I love my wife more for giving me and sharing with me something that makes my pre-parent life seem so obtuse and unremarkable.
Love is an organic, shifting and polarizing proposition that changes too often to truly be definitive.
What I do know is that my partner and I are honest with each other that we love the kids first and ourselves second and we make no bones, nor do we apologize for the fact that if it was a life or death situation I expect/demand she would choose them first over me.
Luckily the world of the hypothetical rarely cashes in it’s chips, so we are good for now. Maybe a sense of importance and love are/are not mutually exclusive.
All I know is that there is plenty of love to go around in my life and I could sit here splitting hairs sempiternus, but everyone gets a cuddle in our family whenever and where ever they need it and quite often it’s dad wanting them the most.
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I totally agree with you ‘Voice of Reason’. Love is incredibly circular. Nothing makes me happier when I get those sneaky glimpses of my husband playing with our kids when none of them know I can see. On the weekend I came into the house after a run to find all three of them completely engrossed in reading a book – with Dad doing all the funny voices and the kids laughing. You just stand and watch and smile and think about how much you love all of them.
Comparing, ranking, categorising love is just crazy to me. I love them all so much and in such individual ways and I can’t even begin to imagine a way I could compare them. But I tell you what, if I walked into the house and saw my son, my daughter and my husband all visibly upset and crying – after making sure they were all physically okay, it’s my husband I would run to first (before quickly sweeping up the kids). Because in my heart of heart I know that in a situation like that, if I can get him okay first then getting my kids okay will be much easier. Which in a weird way, is what all of this is about.
Just food for thought I suppose…
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My husband and I would also expect each other to prioritise the kids in a life threatening situation.
I agree that love for my husband is different to the love I have for my kids. Both are intense and wonderful but different. The way love for each is expressed is different too. Which includes prioritizing their needs as infants.
I’m not sure why people feel the need to compare love nor attempt to quantify it. Love is infinite.
I’m also horrified that anyone would state that the loss of a child would be bearable/preferable to a spouse dying. These people obviously haven’t had anyone close to them die ‘before their time’. Either death would be horrific and life altering.
Our kids know that their dad and I adore each other. They also know we adore them.
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I don’t have children so I can’t comment on that element, but I wanted to say that this is a great article Lana. I love articles that challenge the widely accepted notions of love, family, self, sex, etc to give room for debate and for people to challenge and examine their own values, norms and perspectives. Well done!
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