Jamie and Jools Oliver
By LUCY ORMONDE
Jools Oliver knows her celebrity chef husband Jamie will never cheat on her. Or if he does, she’ll be the first to know.
Snooping used to be so difficult. All those expensive private investigators and checking for unexplained items on the credit card statement.
But technology has given us many gifts and one of them is the ability to dig your nose deeply and easily into your partner’s privacy. All you need are a couple of passwords.
This from The Daily Mail:
Mrs Oliver made the touchingly frank admission this week when asked if she felt confident about her husband’s dealings with other women.
‘Yeah, I’ll check his email. I’ll check his Twitter. I’ll check his phone. Everything seems fine,’ she said. ‘He says I’m a jealous girl, but I think I’m fairly laid-back, considering.’
Her confession comes as a particular surprise as she and Oliver have previously spoken about their absolute trust in each other.
In fact, Mrs Oliver was once ridiculed for saying she was certain he would never cheat on her during his long absences filming cookery programmes.
In a 2008 interview, she said: ‘I am very secure. People say “Oh you can’t trust a man 100 per cent,” but I’m afraid I say I can.
‘They say every man will have an affair, but I really don’t think mine will.
‘Actually, I know he won’t.’
Haha the whole family in Jools PJ's ...
We have no way of knowing whether Jools checks Jamie’s accounts with his knowledge or not. Does she lunge for the phone when he walks out of a room and casually drop it down the back of the couch when he walks back in (like Billie in Offspring last week)? Or is checking in his phone for analysis part of the daily routine? Like, “Hi honey, how was your day give me your phone so I can do some CSI Jamie.”
Comments
105 Comments so far
if this is true, it’s just really sad and pitiful. It wouldn’t stop him anyway, just ensures she is stripping herself of her own dignity and pride. If it is true.
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i just don’t believe she said that al all, do you MM, really?
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I’d trust Jamie a lot more than I’d trust the Daily Mail. Trashy gossip, really? I mean the topic itself is fine, but the primary source is one of the worst foundations you could choose for an article.
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I’ve been reading these comments with great interest…a year ago I would also have fallen into ‘he will never betray’ me camp, I was absolutely certain of it. But bad circumstances following the GFC, redundancies and an international separation for seven months all contributed to my husband’s betrayal. Previously to all this, he had been the guy everyone said would never be a cheater, and lived his life with honesty and integrity. We had open access to each other’s social media and email accounts from the time we were married, and that still didn’t make a difference. How I found out…an illicit notebook kept in his work folder, given to him from her as a parting gesture before he returned home to me. I found it after searching for a bill. I was completely blindsided. After horrific pain and suffering, much therapy and treatment for his personal demons, I am working very hard on forgiveness and rebuilding trust. ALL the professionals say that this requires complete transparency by the wayward spouse, and yes, I’ve taken some solace from checking his communications from time to time. But one thing that our psychologist said early on us has stuck with me…it’s all very well to say you’d never do this or never do that – but until you’re in that situation then you really have no right to judge or any idea how you may respond. I always thought I’d be a kick him to the curb kind of girl, turns out I was wrong. I would really love MM to interview some couples who have made it work following infidelity. We always read about the break-ups but never the success stories, and I am told by more than one couple therapists that there are many.
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Dear BenefitofHindsight, I am also married to one of those wonderful guys who everyone believed would never cheat – honest, full of integrity, seemingly devoted to me, high profile international career, good father etc. In fact, I know that our marriage and lifestyle was the envy of many and we had weathered many hardships with international transfers etc. I just believed nothing could ever rock the boat. What you went through sounds very similar to what I experienced. It was a devastating blow and made more so by the fact that he chose to deliver the news on my birthday and after 23 years of marriage. I chose to try to understand the reason for the betrayal, learn more about my rival – an intern 25 years younger than my husband – and to woo him back into the marriage. It took me ten months and lots of heartbreak, but he eventually came home and we started to rebuild our lives. I should ad that I am NOT a doormat, and could have survived without him and made a life for myself alone. However, SEVEN years later and with our thirtieth wedding anniversary looming, we are happier than ever and the trust has been completely restored. My husband understands and accepts the need for total transparency – that part was hard for him at first – and he often tells me how grateful he is, that I was patient, understanding and ultimately willing to take him back. With the benefit of hindsight, he knows that the relationship with the new woman would never have worked in the long term. The hardest part for me is, despite the fact that I have forgiven him, moved on and completely trust him and also knowing that he never really stopped loving me, there are certain friends of ours who can never forget what he did, always suspect him, always ask me whether he is ‘behaving himself’ and treat me as if I somehow chose the soft option. For those people, our marriage is tarnished forever and my husband will always be regarded as a cheater. It hurts each time, and I find it incredibly frustrating. The more I tell them how happy we are, the more I know they suspect I am living in denial. There are others, of course, who were overjoyed when he returned to the marriage and always believed in the two of us. We choose to think ourselves lucky – to have almost lost each other, but to have discovered something far deeper and meaningful. Take heart that the affair your husband had may well turn out to have been a gift to the two of you and I am so glad that you found a couples therapist who gave you good advice. Two two we saw told us that couples never get over infidelity – I refused to believe it. Good luck and congratulations!
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I think you have a lot more fortitude than I, I don’t know. Was he sorry? guilty? THe 25 year younger than him woman would have really freaked me out.
I was a little startled about your saying you “woo’d him back to the marriage” – maybe this is what others are picking up on? You would hope he would have begged you to take him back….
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I think it was a question of age and experience overcoming youth and ‘skill’. We were colleagues when we met and I think he had forgotten who he had married and how he would actually feel if he didn’t have me around any more when it really came to the crunch. He knew the door was open for the period I had given him to sort himself out, but then after that the door would be firmly shut forever. He did beg me to take him back and he feels the most dreadful shame and mortification that it ever happened at all. It says a lot about the male mid-life crisis, that he now looks back and wonders why he was ever attracted to that little intern in the first place and he’s scathing now when he sees other older guys struggling to keep up with much younger wives or girlfriends. He’s SO grateful that I don’t judge him (I DO judge the intern, but that’s OK).
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So sorry to hear of your painful experience Benefitofhindsight, but really pleased you have been able to work it out. Life experiences are so different when they happen to us personally. Great post. I’m sure it’s given hope to others on here. Good luck to you xxx
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Quick squiz on twitter tells me that this was taken out of context by the Mail (highly reputable source of course….). Wanna check this stuff next time, MM? x
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I’d be quite happy for my husband to browse my texts/emails. I have nothing to hide and he knows far more intimate things about me than he would find!
I have been cheated on before, and saw a psychologist at the time. I asked her if she thought I had self-esteem/trust issues if I’d gone snooping (how I caught him) in the first place. She said anyone who doesn’t check the pockets (metaphorically speaking) is an idiot. That it was just common sense.
Obviously you don’t want to get hung up doing this obsessively but if you have a moment of doubt and check, I don’t think it makes you “abusive”.
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No! I would not check my husbands phone! I have a life to live and that doesn’t include playing policeman. It’s disempowering of men to expect them to cheat!
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If Jools is indeed doing this then it is abuse. Or is that only when a man does the phone checking?
I remember the DV campaign a few years ago that showed a girl’s phone and the caption that if he’s checking up on you, it’s abuse. It was quite funny, as my hubby said at the time, I was the first girlfriend who hadn’t wanted to check his email or his phone. My thought was – if he’s going to cheat, he’ll cheat….
It’s not cool and really quite pointless.
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I think everyone is a bit naive! What about the gmail or hot mail account you don’t even know exists ? If you don’t know about it you won’t know about the password either!
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Why is mamamia reposting articles from the Daily Mail? I do all I can to avoid this poisonous crap on a day to day basis (working in the UK media, its quite hard to do) so I don’t really need it snuck in there when I come to a site that used to give me an alternative view.
This paper is full of lies. Republishing them only makes it worse.
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Boo to you Mamamia team!
Check your facts before running a copy story that is completely unfounded. Big hugs to Jools and Jamie!!
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Sorry Jamie (I love your work) but Jools must be a bit loopy? Why would she allow that kind of info to be published? And the kids names, querky now but I hope they don’t get bullied because of it.
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I think they are just making a HUGE deal out of nothing Honestly! It’s not as if she is saying “I don’t trust my husband so every night he comes home I make sure I check his phone just to make sure” Seriously, get over it people
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I was always someone who never looked at my husbands messages, emails etc. I trusted him implicitly. Then he stuffed it up. I’m still glad that I was how I was. I’d rather be trusting tham the suspicious cow I am now!
We’re still together. I’ve forgiven but not yet forgotten. I check msgs etc now but I’m checking less and trusting more as time goes on. I hate, hate, hate checking up on him as it’s a reminder of why I feel the need to.
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I was the same anon – my first serious boyfriend cheated on me (with friend, ugh) and I found out through another friend and confronted him. We ended up dating for another year or so (silly me) and in that time I did check his phone and emails and kind of hated myself… and the times that I did find that he’d been in contact with the scarlet woman I didn’t even end up saying anything, just ended it without bringing it up…. So it doesn’t really achieve anything. In my next relationship after that I did find myself a bit suspicious, even though this new man was the LAST person on Earth to ever cheat (and of course he didn’t) so I kind of grew back my trust over time and stopped checking stuff. I don’t think I could have ever trusted Man Number 1 again, though. It’s sad.
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If you have to resort to checking up on him to make sure that he doesn’t cheat – why the hell are you still with this man? Once trust is gone = end the relationship
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I’ve never been tempted to look, but why would I? My husband works away so I open his mail (at his request). When he’s home his phone is on our bedside all night and I can hear texts and emails coming in, but he doesn’t try to hide them. We share our bank details so I know where he spends. We share cars.
I think you only check if you suspect. Maybe for Jools it’s because so many women throw themselves at Jamie? Although given the source of this interview I think it might be BS.
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Oh, I loved these photos. Gorgeous.
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Gorgeous snapshots:)
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Has anyone checked with Jools to see if this is a legit interview? I am subscribed to her Twitter account and her friends have been messaging her messages of support against the dodgy article written in this paper. It would take one tweet to confirm the articles’ legitimacy instead of spreading mis-information. Lazy journalism – sorry Mamamia.
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It wasn’t from the Mail. I read the interview in The Times on the weekend. it was picked up by other outlets here in the UK following the publication.
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I snooped and found put that my husband of 11 years and in a relationship with him for 17 years was sexting another woman which he left me for and we have now been separated for 6 months…I trusted my gut instinct and it sought me correct..if you know you know. It’s painful but I would rather know the truth than to live in a lie…
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i’m so sorry to hear this but I agree always trust your instinct. And so much better that you found out when you did. It’s really horrible but the quicker you’re out of that the better. Hope you’re ok now xx
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Thank you louisec you are kind. My mantra is what does not kill you makes you stronger. X
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I used to occasionally scroll through hubby’s texts and emails but messages such as ‘Jog Thursday 6pm’ ‘Footy night Friday, pub’ and emails like ‘Wire 6 on the top board needs changing’ ‘New properties in Beaumaris just listed’ bored me to tears.
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What a loser she is.
Rant over.
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Yeah, obviously one of the biggest losers in the world..
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Its a sign of abuse and controlling behaviour. Play the gender reversal game and see if you would find this acceptable.
‘I know my girl isn’t cheating on me because I check her phone and email all the time’
A guy saying this would be castigated, but Jools Oliver can say this in the media with nary a batted eyelid even though its defined as social abuse by women’s groups. But only when its a man doing it apparently..
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I’d be quite happy for my partner to look at my emails and phone messages. Why wouldn’t I? I would not be cheating, so no big deal.
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I must agree with you on the control / abuse angle of this behaviour. I have been married now for 20+ years, and my beloved husband and I have always agreed that A: trust is paramount and B: one does not abuse that trust by checking up on each other IN ANY WAY, EVER. I have never ever answered his mobile phone, read an email over his shoulder, checked his computer history etc. etc. and I know the reverse is true. (well, I TRUST that that is true) The one and only time I opened a letter addressed to him it was by accident, and I apologised. We would be appalled if a guy did this to his wife, why is it OK for a wife to do it to her husband? – or girlfriend/boyfriend and so on.
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Well my hubby opens my letters, we both read each others email (same account) and look at each others mobiles. I don’t define that as abuse.
Context is everything I think.
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Don’t ask the question/s if you don’t think you can handle the answer/s.
End.
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No, I would not do it. Yes, it is a sign of insecurity. It’s pathetic.
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It isn’t snooping if Jamie has said she can do it. Obviously he has nothing to hide so why does it matter if she knows his passwords. My hubby knows all mine and I know all his. I pretty much never look through it because, well, mainly it is boring! But sometimes when I do check emails etc, I see things he had forgotten to tell me. Like he gets timetables sent or may have an email from someone saying “Say hi to the misses and the kids”. And I know you may think that people send him emails assuming they only go to him. Yes, I understand but he tells me everything anyway so what is the difference reading it myself?… Hmmm, don’t know what all the outrage is about! I think this is fine
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I made a really long comment and it’s not appearing?
I need to rant!
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He’s my husband so i will look at whatever i like and v.v.
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My ex-partner did this to me. I think it is abhorrent (and was the cause of our split). It is actually a fairly common thing in an abusive relationship.
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Nope, not at all interested. Ive got a file on my computer thats his, but not even remotely tempted to see whats in it…..my ex husband cheated and lied but thats no excuse not to trust this one.
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Ignoring for a moment the fact that snooping through personal emails and texts is an invasion of privacy and not ok anyway, take a moment to consider what it’ll actually achieve…If you snoop one of three things will happen:
1. You’ll find nothing incriminating.
2. You’ll find something that ‘crosses the line’ or might be incriminating or might not depending on the context.
3. You’ll find conclusive evidence that they’ve cheated.
If no. 1 happens, then what? Do you feel bad or silly for not trusting them? Do you just assume they’ve deleted the evidence so it means nothing? Do you check it again in a week hoping not to find something again? Where does it stop?
If no. 2 happens, then what? Do you confront them over something that may or may not really mean anything? Do you stew over it silently, constantly checking and rechecking until you get to no. 3 above (or no.1)? Do you develop insecurities over their trustworthiness thus potentially ruining the relationship anyway? Do you think that by knowing something ‘might’ happen that you can stop it from happening? How do you do that?
If it’s no. 3 then the worst has already happened, you can’t prevent it. Now what? You’re miserable, insecure, single or trying to work something out with someone you don’t trust. Chances are that if they’ve cheated then this would have happened eventually anyway (either instigated by you or by them) so the only real ‘positive’ (if that’s what it is) is that you found out earlier than you otherwise would have.
I learnt these lessons the hard way. I spent a lot of one relationship letting my imagination run wild and making myself miserable over the 2nd scenario (which turned out to be perfectly innocent anyway) and another relationship where I found nothing but ended up being confronted by the woman who had been sleeping with my boyfriend for the past 6 months.
The point is that snooping achieves nothing. It can make you needlessly miserable and it will never stop someone from cheating anyway.
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Well written Jules!!!
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I’ve been cheated on badly. We were trying to get pregnant, I had gone off the pill. He had started moving his stuff into my house and I was putting his books into a cupboard. His diary was one of those books and I opened it and got the shock of my life.
I am grateful that I looked because there was every possibility that I could have contracted a disease and I am extremely lucky that I didn’t.
Did I snoop? Yes. Am I glad that I did? Yes. I was smart and sensible and self protective and I would do it again.
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Wow…he wrote about it in a DIARY?? Well, you are definitely better off without him
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God, you have no idea!!!
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Sydgel – you have my deepest sympathies and in this instance then yes, finding out earlier rather than later probably was the best for you. When I found out about the ar$ehole who cheated on me part of me wished I’d found out sooner too – another part was relieved that I hadn’t had to go through that torturous ‘did he, didn’t he?’ phase though.
Regardless, in most cases though I think it’s still a fairly pointless exercise. Working on understanding your reasons for feeling you need to snoop is recipe for a far happier life than just satisfying that immediate urge to snoop which is only ever going to happen time and time again anyway.
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Sorry Jules I have to disagree. But that’s because we all have such different life experiences.
I was so extremely lucky – to find out; to find out when I did; to not contract some disease (he was cheating with many women and not using condoms).
I’m not the only one – this can happen to anyone when their partner cheats – Hell women have even contracted HIV from cheating partners. It’s incredibly serious repercussions.
I would always be aware and savvy and I think women and men need to do this. I’m not saying we all need to be obsessive but I think we need to be aware and assertive.
There is a difference between abusing someone and looking at your partners facebook, for example, when he’s left it open. I’d tell him I’d done this – and I’d always be happy for him to read mine.
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I guess some people haven’t heard of the delete button lol
You won’t ‘know’ anything if there is no evidence of it will you!
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Couldn’t care less about checking my husbands social media accounts,texts and emails. They’re his business not mine.
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Agreed, I’ve never had any desire to check his phone or computer. That kind of behaviour sounds indicative of an unhealthy relationship to me.
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I know what it’s like to feel the pull to check someone’s messages. Like with my dingbat ex-boyfriend, had a look and lo and behold, he had tried to organise to catch up with his ex just hours before I saw him, and had never intended to tell me, even if he did see her. Yeah, there were issues there!
But with my current boyfriend (read: The One) I have absolutely no desire to look at his phone, or anything. I will have to look over his shoulder at a message from family etc every now and then (he is forgetful with telling me if we’re expected somewhere!). He gets a bit peeved at that, but I just tell him if I wanted to snoop I have ample opportunity and have never once done it. I trust him completely because I know he values our relationship as much as I do and if he did anything to jeopardise it, it would be as bad for him as it would be for me.
It also helps that he is the world’s most shockingly terrible secret-keeper, with a tendency to over-share!
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I actually have now been placed in a difficult situation by checking my husbands facebook account .I was’nt checking it for investagative purposes,
he is overseas at the moment and a needed to get party invite details that had been sent to his inbox, so i logged on to his account and found a friend request from a random girl that I dont know , she has a few mutual friends and she is local, my husband also does not publish a photo of himself in his profile picture , so to send request she must know him some how.He also didnt go to school locally so she is not an old school buddyI am not too sure what to do with it , was not expecting to uncover anything !!
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Here’s the exact reason why snooping achieves nothing (I know you weren’t intentionally snopping but it’s the same result).
This could be perfectly innocent. She could be the new girl at work, the new girlfriend of a work colleague or friend, someone he met briefly through friends (some people will ‘friend’ ANYONE they meet, no matter how tenuous the connection), or someone he doesn’t even know…. yet now you’re stressed over something that could be totally meaningless!
My advice is forget about it. If he’s cheating or going to then nothing you can do will stop it from happening so worry about it when it’s an actual issue, not when it’s just in your head.
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Jules, if someone is cheating on you, trust me you want to know asap. People who snoop usually have a gut feeling an instinct.
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I’ve been cheated on Sydgel, I know what it’s like to feel the fool. I still don’t check my current (different) boyfriends phone or emails though, it’s not fair on him.
I agree you can have a gut feeling but sometimes you can have that same feeling because of your own insecurities, not because of anything they have done.
I have nothing to hide but if my boyfriend went through my phone with the deliberate aim of reading my personal thoughts and messages then I’d be furious and hurt that he didn’t trust me. It works both ways.
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And don’t forget that Facebook suggests people for you to be friends with via old email addresses you might have stored? So it could of been that.
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It’s probably nothing, if your husband was chatting up other chicks i doubt he would do it on an account he knows you have the password for.
He would be more likely to give her his phone number. Most likely one of those situations where you know someone, who knows someone, who knows you.
You two obviously trust each other if he is working overseas, don’t let this tick over in your mind but, if your worried, ask him, your married you should be able to ask each other anything without it being taken the wrong way.
Good luck
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I wouldn’t put too much thought into that! I’ve had friend requests from totally random people who I’ve never met! Sounds quite innocent to me.
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some girl you dont know FRIEND REQUESTS your HUSBAND?! oh the horror! its facebook!! how many guy ‘friends’ do you have on facebook, are you cheating with all of them? chillllll
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I’m shocked at the amount of women who look at their husband’s texts and emails. Is there no such thing as privacy and trust anymore?
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There is a difference between privacy and secrecy.
My boyfriend could go through my entire phone, facebook and email. Nothing to hide. No secrets. Privacy is conversations you have with a girlfriend in private. That’s the difference to me.
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Moderator – I’ve tried several times to comment on various articles in the past week and only about 20% of my comments have been published. They don’t appear at all and then are picked up as a duplicate comment when I try again.
Is this an IT issue or have I been blocked or moderated for some reason? I’ve not said anything remotely offensive in any of my comments.
I have more issue with accessing, viewing and commenting on this site than any other site I visit. It’s intensely frustrating, I visit far less these days because I sometimes find navigating the site so difficult.
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It must be an IT thing because several of us have commented about it and I’m sure we all weren’t offensive or spamming.
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If I didn’t go through my husbands texts and emails, we would never be at the birthdays, dinners, other occasions we are invited to because he is hopeless at telling me things.
He is often really focused at work, and if an email does not relate to what he is working on, her usually glances over it and just moves on. His boss now
CCs’ me in on emails relating to non-work specific things – fundraising, dinners, family days etc – because he is so hopeless.
It is also a good way for me to keep in touch with what is going on with his friends, so I can then remind him to get in touch with them.
My husband would be far worse off if I didn’t check his texts and emails for him – and, he has free access to mine if he wanted to, but considering the man canot even remenber his internet banking code I doubt he is concerned about remembering my various passwords.
Also, sometimes it is just a really easy way to catch up on what he has been doing and where he has been – he has lots of meetings and travel for work. Some days (weeks) between work, children, school, P&C meetings, swimming lessons, vet appointments etc etc, it is just an easy way to keep up with what’s going on. I know he looks through the calendar on my phone, when he is not playing angry birds!
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I check my husbands emails and phone. I’m not at all worried he is cheating, but 1) we often get household emails sent to his account (e.g. bills), 2)he often forgets to tell me important things, 3) sometimes I’m bored, and like to read his messages (not that he has many to be honest- God love him).
It swings both ways, he can look at/use my emails and phone whenever he wants.
For us, there is no real need for privacy. But I don’t look at his stuff out of fear of cheating.
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I think if you feel you “have” to check someone’s emails, phone etc., then you don’t trust them, and why be with someone you don’t trust. Operating on the assumption that they won’t cheat if they know you’re checking is naive (I love the comment below about being more upset you were dating a complete moron than a cheater – totally agree!).
Having said that, my husband and I are sharing a laptop at the moment, and I have Facebook set up as my home page (massive mistake, I get on to do real work and fall into a time-warp). He will often make a comment about something a mutual friend has said or ask me who the guy I just friended is. If we are out and I am waiting for him to get back from the loo etc., I’ll often check his messages, because he has friends that send him hilarious, filthy texts they would never send to me! From the outside, it may look like we are checking up on each other, but it’s really just that we have nothing to hide from the other.
So the upshot is that if you feel like you need to check up on someone, you have trust issues, and they will probably end up poisoning the relationship anyway, but on the other hand, if your partner refuses to let you see his phone, Twitter, Facbook etc., something is probably up there too….
Maybe Jools just meant that because they trust each other, but also because they have nothing to hide, she’ll access his emails, although it certainly doesn’t seem that way by the wording in the article.
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I don’t necessarily think that because your partner won’t let you see their email etc that it means they have something to hide.
I’d personally be mortified if my boyfriend read my emails or texts. I have some very long, stupid, embarassing, private, hilarious and inappropriate conversations with my friends via email. Some about him, some about totally inane, stupid things, some about certain ‘girly’ issues…. there’s no way I’d want him to see some of it and if I thought he was the type to snoop then I’d be vigilant about keeping it locked away.
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smart woman
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couldn’t agree more.
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I love Jools and Jamie. I met them through friends when I lived in London and they are a lovely family. I look at my husband’s text messages, so what? I get where she is coming from.
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I find this pointless.
If your partner is cheating on you, if they have half a brain they’ll be deleting texts, emails etc. daily. Frankly if I found out my partner had left that stuff on his phone or laptop, I’d be more upset that I’d been dating a complete moron than about the cheating.
Secondly, people who are paranoid enough to check their partners correspondence often mistake completely harmless back and forths with evidence of cheating eg. last year one of my friends spied on her BF’s email and found a few emails with a female co-worker discussing which hotel they should go to, what time etc. She freaked out at him and threw him out of the house. The emails were about organising a presentation for a major client, and the two co-workers were discussing the merits of various hotel’s conference rooms. My friend completely destroyed a wonderful relationship because she had blinkered vision.
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I had a friend who spied on her boyfriend of several years to find a bunch of texts along the lines of “you’re gorgeous”, “you’re wonderful” etc etc. Turns out the “cheating bastard” was consoling a female friend (and committed lesbian) who was having relationship troubles – he cut off all contact with her and I can’t blame him one bit!
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Haha, I love your term “committed lesbian”.
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Is it just me of does the ‘committed lesbian’ story sounds like just that… a story. I think your friend is well shot of him!
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Either’s she’s terribly insecure or already has doubts … is it really worth having a relationship with someone you don’t trust?
I would be FURIOUS (and shocked and hurt) if my partner checked my emails or my phone – firstly, because everyone has an entitlement to privacy and secondly, because it would suggest he didn’t trust me, which I would find quite devastating.
I have a close friend whose ex retained his Facebook details and kept hacking it and deleting messages. The matter is now in the hands of the police …
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You cant look at their relationship in the same terms as your own, he is constantly travelling & I am sure has no lack of beautiful women throwing themselves at him, unfortunately there are a lot of predatory women out there. She has every right to be on her guard. She is being realistic not insecure.
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But what will she achieve? If he’s done something wrong then it’s happened already… she can’t stop it from happening, all she’ll achieve is finding out a bit sooner than she otherwise would have.
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What will she achieve?! I think she’s incredibly smart and sensible.
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But what will she achieve Guest? I genuinely can’t see any positive outcome from snooping…?
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The corrollary to this is that insecure girls don’t deserve relationships.
I would warn someone if I found they were snooping. If they did it again I would break up with them. I don’t need that crap in my life.
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Are you serious? “insecure girls don’t deserve relationships.” There is soooo much wrong with this statement I don’t know where to start! What about insecure men?
Not everyone is an arrogant sh$#.
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What if she was a lovely, worthwhile woman who had been cheated on before and found trust a very difficult thing? Maybe a bit of understanding and reassurance could help with that horrible feeling of doubt,and being determined not to be duped again, which can lead to hyper vigilance etc. You get the picture anyway.
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It just never even occurs to me that my partner would cheat. I know that he wouldn’t but even with previous partners, what would be that point in checking his phone or e-mail? It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop it from occurring. I’ll only uncover it and in the meantime, do untold damage to the relationship through lack of trust.
I’m just not a jealous person I suppose and I’m also secure enough in my relationship not to need that sort of reassurance.
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i feel the same way as you do on this topic
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I think it sucks that she has to ‘make sure’ her hubby doesn’t cheat, by reaching outside the whole being a decent wife/husband arena. Very sad
Whatever happened to trust?
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If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat. And if they don’t want to get caught, they do whatever they can not to. My partner cheated on me and I had no idea whatsoever. He hid it so well, and never showed any signs of being that kind of man. My friends and family were so shocked, never thought he would be the type to do such a thing. So you never know, you just have to trust otherwise you will drive yourself crazy with jealousy which is a horrible way to live your life.
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Gorgeous family.
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Its probably done in an open fashion and with humour. At least thats what i do!
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I once found (completely by accident – he left his Facebook account logged into my phone and I thought it was mine) that my partner was sending some messages to another girl that definitely crossed the “appropriate” boundary.
Before this day, I never would have dreamed of looking at his private communications – I trusted him 100%. Now, it’s a bit different. Since seeing that, I do the occasional snoop to ensure that all is well, and everything is kosher AND I’m honest about it to him.
He lost his right to 100% privacy when he broke my trust. That’s all there is to it.
It wouldn’t surprise me if that’s the underlying reason why Jools checks Jamie’s information… I can say that having a peek gives me piece of mind and wipes the bad taste from my mouth…
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Nicely said, S. There are no absolutes in life, and even though I am pretty sure that my husband is the last man on earth who would cheat, there was an incident last year where he failed to disclose, and then erased texts between himself and a female friend.
This happened a year after I pointed out that their level of communication was making me uncomfortable. He agrees that there should be no secrets between us, and encouraged me to check out his phone and email accounts whenever I want to.
Until you walk a mile through one of these situations, it is impossible to say how you would/should feel. Transparency does not necessarily equal paranoia: for the most part, it equals peace of mind.
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Hi At Home, can I ask how you found out about the secret and deleted text messages between your hubby and his female friend? Did he end up coming clean with you, or were you able to track them down through snooping?
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Transparency absolutely equals piece of mind.
I would happily give up my phone and let him read my ranting texts about his general laziness etc. etc. than have him sit there worrying about who I’ve been talking to.
If you’ve done nothing wrong, there is no need for secrecy.
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I too was in this same situation, 100% happy trusting relationship, he leaves fb open, I come along to use computer – ‘hello’ and look what we find, an absolute stream of communication with another woman.
Slowly rebuilding our relationship, yes I often have the odd look at txt & email (no fb account anymore since this incident, totally his choice to delete) but I do it openly in front of him and he fully acknowledges that he broke my trust and just lets me go.
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I 100% agree – it takes time to rebuild a relationship after an incident like this. The “stream” of communication is definitely a boundary crossing line as well. I have amazing male friends, but I don’t feel the need to speak with them every minute of the day.
When trust has been shattered by one party, the only way of rebuilding it is the honest acknowledgement of their mistakes and the willingness to do what it takes to change the situation.
Although, Emily, I’d love to ask if he gave you a reason why he engaged with another woman so frequently? That’s something I’ve long since wondered about and I’m not sure I’ll ever have an honest/true answer.
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hi S
hmm, not yet. As I said slowly working through it and he really is making an effort, but the ‘why’ is the one thing im still waiting on, I bring it up occasionally and he knows im not going to let it slide. I think he is afraid of hurting me again, but fact is he is hurting me everyday until he tells me this and i know he is 100% honest with me and nothing to hide.
I have not hung around the issue tho, what benefit is there to knowing the details? I have really tried to focus on what i can control and move forward. The past has happened and I need to let it be as there is nothing i can change. But knowing/acknowledging why it happened means we can both do everything within our power to prevent it happening again. At the end of the day I believe in us, and nothing i can say to anyone could possibly explain why, but I do x
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I’d say… ditch him… I had a similar thing happen to me. If someone loves you, they wouldn’t cross that line with anyone else. You deserve better and to feel secure
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