So you’re married. But how do you STAY married?
by REBECCA SPARROW
If you want to make your head explode, Google ‘how to stay married’ just for kicks.
Just as a heads up, the conflicting advice will leave you rocking in the foetal position under the dining room table.
That fickle minx the interwebz will try and tell you the secret to a long-lasting relationship is everything from pooling all your money (high-five Brynne Edelsten!) to moving house a lot to kissing for at least 10 seconds a day (hopefully with your partner and not with Dave in Accounts) to going to church together to having kids (HAVING KIDS? WHAT ARE YOU, DRUNK?). Dr Phil will tell you it’s all about meeting your partner’s needs. And everyone else will tell you it’s about having loads of sex.
But what if the answer was none of those things?
What if the answer was as simple as ‘having some time to yourself’?
Last week the Sydney Morning Herald ran a story that was the most read article of the weekend. In Forget Sex, The Secret To A Long Lasting Relationship Is Space, journalist Sandy Smith wrote about research that found having space and ‘time for self’ was far more conducive to a happy marriage than having sex. She writes:
Having enough space or privacy in a relationship is vital.
Having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple’s happiness than having a good sex life, according to Dr Terri Orbuch a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.
So why is space so important in a relationship? “When partners have their own set of interests, friends, and time for self, that makes them happier and less bored,” says Orbuch. “Time alone also gives partners time to process their thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others.”
Comments
27 Comments so far
I think finding time to yourself is all about rejuvenating your inner strength and energy… with this, sex would probably be then much more fulfilling as you are not so tired
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My husband and I have a some simple ‘rules’
- Know the stuff that upsets your husband or wife. Don’t do that stuff.
- Say “I love you” as often as you can.
Easy!
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I truly believe that some people are simply hooked on the honeymoon stage of a relationship. Long lasting relationships arent possible for them because, once the honeymoon stage is over they look for excuses to get out and find someone new.
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The secret? Don’t break up.
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My parents – nearing fifty years of happy marriage – have at times spoken about it. They made a rule when they first got married to never argue over kids and money. Both of those aspects have been problematic over the years but they discussed the matters to find a solution rather than use it as a means to bring up other grievances. Perhaps because when they were first married they could not afford curtains and so used to put up newspapers on the windows each night it gave them a different perspective on what was important.
They do have their own hobbies and go off to do them but still spend a significant amount of time together, retaining a lot of affection and a deep friendship with each other. When one is ill the other frets. I find this slightly annoying at times but mostly wonderfully endearing. I’ve noticed bits of them that have changed over the years but the core essence of both has remained and that’s what they have kept loving in each other. They’ve accepted the changes and foibles that have happened over time and dealt with them.
It strikes me that a lot of people these days believe that marriage is the happy ending at the finale of the Disney film and everything is perfect and easy afterwards. Probably why they end up so disappointed.
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Wow. This is amazing. I will read the full article. Just wanted to say that while I am relatively lucky (don’t have to work full time), my life for years was all about hubby, kids and the freelance work I do. There was not much space for anything else. I spent part of those years in mild depression. As of a year or so I have discovered a new passion/hobby that I have time for during the day when the kids are at school and hubby at work, so it does not intrude on family time and I can fit in my freelance work around it as business is slow right now. I dance!! I love it, am fit and get to hear awesome music and meet people (which I didn’t get much of working from home). I go 3 hrs a week. I have become a MUCH happier and more patient person that I once was and our marriage is doing well after 10 years together.
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Coming up to 17yrs. Most of it happy, some it not. The last year has been terrible and we were at the brink of divorce. Absolutely devastating and I almost lost my mind. We are now working it out and it seems we might just make it. We love eachother and that has never been the issue. We’ve had too much time apart through work and too many external stressors along the way. The kind of space we;ve had from eachother is not healthy for us and we lost our connection. I do believe time out is good, but not when it is forced upon you through a demanding career. Respect your differences and love each other through the shit times.
I feel a warm glow when I read stories about old couples who’ve shared a lifetime of love and companionship. I really want to be one of them. p.s I’m looking for new, less stressful job now. Totally think it’ll be worth it.
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That sounds like my situation…we both needed to make changes and we did and its the best thing we ever did. 22 years together and 3 beautiful children is worth fighting for, we now look forward to raising the children and spending our later years traveling. We are kind to each other, support each other, are loyal to each other and know when to give each other space. Its rare and its beautiful x
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Time out is a gift and I’d love some more…my basketball game and hour at the Sunday market each week is great but I get jealous that he plays golf (4hrs) and football (3hrs) and I’m left with the fours kids. Fortunately he treats me like a princess and is absolutely gorgeous, so I’ll get over it and get those pesky kids to bed for some mum and dad time which is the best of all.
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I understand where you’re coming from. My husband used to play local cricket. In summer he was gone almost all day every Saturday. I didnt think that was fair on me or the kids. When I told him I was booking myself in to a day spa all day Sunday for the rest of the cricket season and he would have to look after the kids himself, I think the penny dropped. He quit at the end of that season and now he plays footy and goes to the gym which is much better for all of us. Time out is great but it has to be equal time.
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I think the space thing is really important and it also comes down to respect. If you respect the other person you will allow them and be happy for them to have space.
I have been married 18 years and I think this along with accepting in arguments that one person cannot possibly be right all the time. Its give and take. Sometimes I’m right and sometimes I’m not.
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I don’t think it’s the only key, but it is definitely a part of the puzzle!
Husband and I had our own full time jobs, our own cars, a decent sized house, own families, etc. I have definitely felt the crowding since we came to study in the US living in a small apartment (torture for someone who grew up on an acre!), having similar schedules, no money and one car. One reason why I can’t wait to go home!
Giving space to each other is almost as much about allowing your SO to be themselves as it is about the space itself. It’s saying that you trust them enough that they aren’t going to use that time in a way that is detrimental to your relationship. It’s saying that you aren’t so desperate for them that you can’t bear to be away for a second, and that it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Space/time means different things to different people, but it is definitely a necessary part of a healthy relationship, whatever form it takes.
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I agree, 100%!
My husband & I don’t share friends or hobbies. I go do what I like with my friends & he does what he likes with his friends. We do stuff as a family but otherwise we rarely socialize together & it suits us just fine. We realized years ago this worked for us & we always say its one of the best parts of our marriage that we don’t live in each others pockets & are happy for the other person to have fun on their own. It might not be for everyone but we’ve been together for nearly 17 years,(since I was 16!) married for 12 so we must be doing something right!
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Tip: the secret is beer.
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Is that “beer” OR “beer goggles” ?????
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Having “alone time ” to be creative or simply alone is crucial I think, particularly if you have small children or lots of them.
Getting kids to appreciate your need (as a couple) to have “adult time” is important too including having time to talk together as adults without being constantly interrupted…….this also applies to the time you spend with adult visitors to your home.
A good way to get kids to appreciate this is to deliberately & very obviously sit & eavesdrop on them & their visiting friends…lol.
My husband & I enjoy working together – it works for us anyway.
We know a couple who argue constantly in front of us (and their kids) – it’s hard to listen to……..they’ve also brought their kids to every social occasion including quiet dinners out and it made it very difficult to have an “adult” conversation in front of them……..now that those kids are teenagers this couple are having trouble convincing their kids to accompany them everywhere (as before), so sadly they are now faced with having to talk to each other – very tricky and many more arguments.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s basically one thing that’s of great importance in a relationship…….KINDNESS.
Combine that with a relationship that’s been nurtured along the way & so that you each remain “yourselves” and you’ve got a great recipe for happiness .
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Omg I love that… I would rather fight with you then make live to anyone else.. Can be true for me too.. We are prett young 27 and 28 house 3 kids 5 and under been married for 3 yrs together for 10… We try o have a date night once a month even if its kids in bed and a bottle of wine an a movie ( bliss for us) we do also try to go out for dinner depends on money… Our alone time would be me getting my hair done every 6 weeks and he goes to the pub and has a couple of drinks and bet with his dad an his mate when he is down. Doesn’t sound like much but it suits us… Also sex is still high importance so we do make effort there too!
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We get alone time – he works nights, and I work days (on call). However lately I haven’t been getting much work so we’ve been spending lots of time together. After 20 years together, almost 13 married, I can honestly say our secret is the ‘c’ word. No…not that one!
Communication
We try and communicate as much as we can, whether it’s how the kids went or how our days/nights were at work, we try to spend time every day connecting with words. Works for us!
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I will add my two cents…
I am a man and going through some relationship issues with my wife atm (kids are involved)
Where this story is misleading, is in the title of the SMH article.
One of my friends recently said something to me that I cannot help but relate to this story.
“If you don’t feed your dog, it will look for food somewhere else!”
Even though the idea of time to yourself may sound correct, just like everything, it needs to be done in moderation, not used as an excuse to feel better about yourself, and in turn, your relationship.
Relationships require intimacy and scarfice… from both sides… equally.
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I think it’s important to remember that the keys to long-lasting relationships will change over time.
What’s important in the beginning might not mean so much a few years down the track. It might change again when and if kids arrive and as they family grows.
The one constant with my husband and I though, is laughter. We have to have lots of laughs. Even when we are shitty with each other, small humans are driving us mad, when stressful situations arise. Laughter and the support it brings us is very important.
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I absolutely think some time for yourself is important – but it doesn’t have to be complicated. With a couple of small children, my husband and I do not go out that much, or have a lot of money to spend.
We each have a ‘luxury’ thing that we indulge in – for me, it is my Kindle. I get a lot of free books on there, which is good. My husband, on the other hand, loves his tools and his workshop, and so at least one night a week he disappears down there to sharpen his chainsaw blade-thingy, reorganise his tool wall (again) and just be at one with his tools – clearly, it is not my thing. In return, he makes sure I get a bit of time with my Kindle every day.
Honestly, my husband and I have broken a lot of the rules I have read for making a marriage last – we lived together before getting married, we go to bed after an argument without making up, we do not kiss for 10 seconds every day, sometimes we go weeks without having sex (not often, thank goodness), sometimes all we talk about in a day is stuff to do with kids, bills and work, and we don’t share many hobbies.
BUT, he is my best friend, my happy place. We have been together for eleven years, married for seven and half, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I saw a movie once where I heard this line – ‘I would rather fight with you than make love with anyone else.’ Sometimes, that sums up my relationship, other times, we get on so well I worry what’s happened to my husband
I don’t know of any rules or have any advice about how to make a marriage work, but I do know that no rule could possibly apply to every relationship, so make your own.
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Haha you sound like my partner and I – he’s bamboozled by all the books I bury my head in (he’s read one book in his life – lord of the rings) and I simply cannot fathom how tools, a shed and a garage can be so engrossing
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Hi Kate, you made me laugh because my husband, too, has only ever read the Lord of the Rings – books are not his thing!
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That’s the only book I have ever read.
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My husband is my happy place – I Iike that – so nice.
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We are similar in that we’ve broken lots of rules too, but are happy together after 20 years.
Fortunately we have enough in common to happily just relax together; ie movie and music, we both like eating out and both like reading.
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If spending time apart is key then I think we’re set. Hubby works away six months of the year.
Needless to say, when he’s home I’m torn between getting me-time and having family-time.
I don’t believe there’s a ‘one recipe fits all’
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