Rick Morton Friday 22 July 2011 11:00am

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Ricky Martin. Fooled you?

Ladies, the good ones are either gay, taken or missionaries in the Congo.

I can’t help you avoid lusting after the last two, but I have some responsibility to help you avoid the first, which can be heartbreaking. Sure, some say God invented gay men to take lonely girls to school formals. But as friends, people. Ours has always been a symbiotic relationship filled with table top dancing, braided hair and fashion conferences with more sighing than the United Nations.

“Honey, I hope you have diplomatic immunity for that outfit because it is fierce.” Or something.

But you can’t expect gay men to be with you in that way. That’s like assuming Milo and Otis could start a family together. But how to avoid falling in the first place? Identification. You need to be able to spot a gay man from a thousand paces, with or without the feather boas and sequins. And how to tell a gay once you’ve gotten to know him. Here’s 10 must-know tips.

Now, to counter some of the chatter below, this isn’t a textbook or even a manual. It’s not a gay spotting guide or even meant to be true. It’s poking fun at stereotypes. Maybe below we can even shatter some? (My word, I do.)

1. Is Will and Grace his favourite television show ever?

And does he use three-name celebrities as expressions of surprise, outrage or shock? Sarah Jessica Parker that was close! Straight men may laugh at Will and Grace, but none will ever admit to it being his favourite show. That would be like a gay man admitting to having a penchant for American Chopper and Kentucky bourbon. Not going to happen.

2. Are things ‘fabulous’ and never ‘great’ or ‘good’?

As a gay man, it is not enough that things are good. No, they must be fabulous. They must be mincingly, off-the-charts absomazing. Gay men could make a mediocre camping trip in a rain squall sound like it was a night out on Broadway. Which is awesome, but probably means they can’t date you.

3. He relates his life’s struggles to the many career phases of Kylie Minogue.

Does he describe himself as a Charlene waiting to be discovered? Is his minimally paid gig as a stage dancer at the club his ‘Locomotion’? Do they ask WWKM do? Tick, tick and tick.

4. He lives in a loft.

Oh, you know it’s true. The only people who live in lofts are gays and artists. Disclaimer: I once lived in a loft.

5. His car’s name is Lady CarCar.

This is also my car’s name and a cracking indication of my sexuality. My brother’s car doesn’t have a name. Because he thinks naming vehicles is for flamers. Case closed. Having said that, my tradie ex-flatmate Ryan named his car Mister Car Car. Jury’s out.

6. He DOES tell you your bum looks big in that.

He’s got nothing to lose. A gay man is like cat whiskers. Very good at judging relative size. And he uses his power indiscriminately. A straight man fosters diplomacy in his answers because saying the wrong thing automatically compromises the likelihood of getting lucky later.

Probably gay. Probably.

7. Two words: dance academy.

Not everyone in Dance Academy is gay. Bob’s not. But steer clear.

8. His iPod is filled with Britney Spears, Ace of Base and the soundtrack to Beaches.

When you question him about these choices, he launches an impassioned 23 minute long monologue about how this is ART under-appreciated by the masses, a social commentary on existentialism and the fluidity of form. And then he launches into a rendition and begs you to disagree with him so he can say something sassy.

9. Gossip.

If you say: ‘Oh my God Jenny was such a cow at work today’ and he responds: “Get OUT, she WAS NOT’? then you are probably dealing with a man who does not like vaginas.

10. He’s kissing another boy.

Science has shown again and again that if he’s kissing a boy there’s something like a 100 per cent chance he is gay, bisexual, drunk, or has very poor vision.

How’s your gaydar?

And on a slightly related note, the hilarious song from the Broadway production Legally Blonde: Is he gay, or European?