Is it okay for your partner to check other people out?
by CARLY JACOBS
I was having a chat with one of my girlfriends a few years ago and she was really upset. She’d been walking around the shops with her partner and he’d checked out a few women right in front of her.
She called him on it. He got defensive. They had a fight. The usual stuff.
She made a remark that I’m lucky that my man would never do that in front of me.
Um… beg to differ. My man is a supreme gentleman of the first order. He’s a real door-opener, drink buyer, subtly remove a drunken person from a party and drive them home kind of guy. He treats me like a queen, makes me tea every day and cleans up after me without complaint.
He’s wonderful. However he has both a penis and eyes, the two of which (or three of which) are linked by many blood vessels and sexy-themed brain waves. If a great pair of tits walks past, he’s going to look at them. If a magnificent arse is shaking its thing in front of him, he’s going to see it and appreciate it. It’s a built-in impulse, a light bulb moment. His brain is all ‘Tits! I like those!‘.
Same as when kids see a Baskin Robbins or my mum sees tequila.
How do I feel about this? Honestly? I don’t give a shit. Not even half a shit. Why? Because women are fucking fantastic. They’re magnificent and they come in the most extraordinary shapes and sizes. Looking at women is awesome*. Some have great tits, some have amazing legs, some have faces like dolls, some have fabulous hair, some dress like they just walked out of the Dior workshop in Paris and some have smiles that make you feel like the world is a unicorn playground.
It’s all very, very good to look at. Particularly breasts, I love breasts. Mine are rather modest in size so I love a decent sized pair of knockers. If I was a dude or a lesbian they’d totally be my thing. If a gal walks past and she’s got the puppies on display, I’m going to check them out. Because they rock. So why would I deny my boyfriend that?
Carly with her partner
Before everyone starts accusing me of being a disgusting tits pervert, let me just make a point. Boobs are attached to people, usually women. So are faces, legs, eyes and arses. All of which are likely to grab my attention and therefore are likely to grab my boyfriend’s attention. It’s all part of a package of beauty.
Him pointing out a beautiful women to me is no different to him pointing out a beautiful building. It’s something that’s visually pleasing to him and quite frankly I like it when he shares those things with me. I don’t want to miss a great rack anymore than I want to miss a really cute dog wearing a hoody. It’s just more awesome stuff to see.
Having said all that, there’s a big difference between appreciation and lechery. If he stares lasciviously, makes a lewd comment at a women, flirts with another woman or openly looks at a women in an obviously sexual or derogatory way, particularly when in the company of a large group of other men then he’s being an extreme tool and you have every right to tell him to stick it. If your man sneaks a side ways glance at a pretty girl in the mall, I don’t feel that it’s that big a deal. We’re sexual beings and pleasure whores. Our eyes naturally wander towards things that look good.
I’m assuming that I represent the minority on this one so I’d love to hear your thoughts!
* You know what else I like looking at? Men! Square jawlines, floppy hair, awesome jeans, side burns, broad shoulders, white teeth. People are just great to look at aren’t they?
This was originally published on Carly’s website here and has been republished with full permission.
Carly Jacobs is the editor of Smaggle and a freelance writer and presenter. Her writing has appeared in Cleo, Cosmoplitan, The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. She almost got run over by Myf Warhurst whilst out jogging once and natural yogurt is her favourite food. Find her on Twitter here and on Facebook here.
Over to you… do you think it’s disrespectful to check someone out in front of your partner? Do you like to visually appreciate strangers? Any ground rules?
Comments
60 Comments so far
Sometimes I catch my husband checking out another woman – he isn’t obvious about it, but I do notice the wandering eye sometimes! I usually tease him about it, he blushes, we laugh. End of story. Less often, he notices my head is turned and he has a little dig me. It’s a playful pantomime where we both play pretend to be jealous and offended where in actual fact we both feel so secure with one another’s affection it just makes it all quite funny. I don’t begrudge him a subtle second glance at a good looking woman; so long as he doesn’t begrudge me an appreciative glimpse of commando on biggest loser hehe
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I guess it depends on the person, but I wouldn’t care less. I’m a female who can appreciate other girls who look hot! Nothing wrong with appreciating beauty!
One time my sister was walking with her boyfriend, and he was checking out an attractive girl. He realized what he was doing and quickly looked at her to make sure she wasn’t angry, when he saw that much to his amusement she was checking the girl out as well..
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Kudos. Seriously. I think the way that you’ve approached this whole phenomenon is the most rational and mature way I’d ever seen. Anyway, I’ve been feeling so insecure (and I mean extremely insecure) about this, and I think your post was helpful enough for me to help me to change my ways. I’ve always known that my hubby does this, everyone’s partner does this whether they say so or not, but I would always take it as a personal attack. I guess he doesn’t do it because I’m ugly, but because he simply likes to look at beautiful women, and I just need to… chill out a little. Thank you!
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As most of my relationships were with women, it actually rarely occurs to me to wonder if my husband is perving. Usually as I am first.
We don’t tend to point women out to each other as we have quite different tastes (he likes blondes, I like brunettes) but neither do we feel the need to call attention to what we’re both looking at.
We did have one minor issue in the beginning – my husband was upset that I never noticed good looking men! It made him feel insecure, like I was missing women. Now he likes being the only man in my life. I’m glad. I love him to bits but nothing is going to stop me appreciating a sexy woman.
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I don’t agree with the writer. I don’t think you or he should be checking out other people. Especially not if it hurts the other person, as the writer described of her friend.
For the writer: If you have a male friend who is lovely and a wonderful person it is ok to appreciate that part of that person’s attractiveness is their looks, but without just focusing on one body part or other.
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I don’t agree. I would be mortified to point out women’s breasts and so forth to my husband, to me that is crass. I don’t want my breasts or short dress pointed out by other people on the street so why would I participate in that behaviour. My husband says he doesn’t notice other women, he would be hurt if I didn’t believe him. Of course I notice people and enjoy people watching, but I am not zeroing in on their chests or crotches!! Maybe I am a romantic but it is important to me to feel like I am ‘the only woman in the world’ for him and vice versa, and perving on people takes away that feeling.
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Absolutely ok !!! Hubby and I were at gym together and a young “lady” was next to him on the machine with teeny tiny shorts… When we were away from her I said to him did you see her next to you, was very attractive , his response…yes I did but thanks for pointing her out….I look,he looks but we are together and that bond is stronger then anything ….at times he will even comment that a bloke is good looking…
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It’s quite strange – in my previous relationship (very unhealthy) my ex had this weird phobia that I had all these crushes on people I didn’t yet LAVISHED female attention on himself. So I wasn’t allowed to look at anyone let alone saying a movie star or rock star was good looking yet he was allowed to flirt openly in front of me! That would annoy me and it turned into the point where I’d point out when he would perve. But my husband does the sneaky look, nothing more than that. He doesn’t care who I have crushes on and likewise I don’t care about his (Hollywood that is). We’re secure in our relationship and we trust each other. My sister HATES it. She can’t stand not getting all the attention from everyone so if her boyfriend perves he is in the shits!
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Mrs MM and I were in Tasmania on holiday; she saw a well-endowed lady and said ‘Check out the knockers on her….’, I couldn’t stop laughing, mainly because she said ‘knockers’
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This article was awesome!!! I feel exactly the same as you with my husband. We often point out gorgeous women to each other. I happily point our gorgeous men too but he doesn’t appreciate the beauty of a man as much haha. We have our hall pass list for celebrities too and joke about it when we see them on TV or a movie. Makes for lots of laughter in our relationship.
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It took me THREE years to catch my boyfriend (now husband) looking. I would notice someone (female) with an awesome (insert a body part or wardrobe item, but usually it was boobs) and he would never even acknowledge or show that he had seen it ……….”what? huh? no? who?”
The day he smiled after a comment I made I knew he had seen it. I was so excited, did a small victory dance for the next 100m.
I keep comments about good looking men strictly for my girlfriend’s ears though.
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Ha! I always notice attractive women before my fiance does too. I’ll point them out or mention it later and he’ll be confused/ devo that he missed out.
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Hear hear! So refreshing to hear from another woman who appreciates the beauty of the female form. I frequently point out a lovely example to my boyfriend so we can both have the pleasure of the observation.
Men are visual creatures… asking them not to look is akin to requesting they refrain from breathing.
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Oh so true! I work in a shopping centre and love people watching and watching people watch people its fascinating til my boss tells me to get to work.
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Totes agree! Couldn’t of said it better myself! x
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Im a straight female and i find myself checking out other women more then i do men! my finance thinks I’m some kind of freak but i always say theres no harm in admiring beauty
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I haven’t read all of the responses, but I’m surprised that no one mentioned that they check out other men in front of their husbands! I’m in a very committed, loving, 9 year relationship with my husband, but I have to admit that when I see an attractive male, I need a moment before I look away. I still think my husband is attractive and would NEVER cheat on him. But sometimes I can’t help but stare.
Maybe I’m in the minority? Anyway, given this, no I do not mind if I see my husband looking at another woman. It doesn’t happen very often with either of us, but it is only human to sometimes do this!
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Nope, you are quite normal. Both my husband and I look (and discuss). Usually with hilarious results.
To look is not to act.
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I agree whole heartedly and it’s great that I’m not the only straight woman that has an appreciation for a great female body
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Couldn’t agree more.
Majority of the time I am checking them out with him as I like their outfit or think they have an awesome body and he does the same when I notice an amazing guy.
It’s fun and harmless if its just having a look.
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I do the same thing!! Sometimes I think I ‘check out’ girls more than guys because I love what they are wearing or their hairstyle or something! And I’m always asking my boyfriend’s opinion on girls I think are pretty.
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I have no problems with my man checking out other women. The fact is, they ALL do it. Accept that it’s part of their makeup.
As long as he only looks, I have no problem.
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Whoever says that they don’t look that’s a big fat lie. I know my husband looks, sometimes I even point out a good-looking woman to him and I check out guys as well. Nothing wrong with that! You can look at the menu all you want as long as you eat at home
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Sorry but don’t agree…If you’re with a friend of the same gender then fine…otherwise, it’s not on! I certainly wouldn’t like any partner of mine looking at other blokes while in my company, so it’s only right that I don’t do it as well. i have more respect!
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My husband looks, he doesn’t touch!
When we are together I will often make a comment about a bust, esp one that is on show. We now have a 16 yo son- he joins in too. Nothing derogatory, nothing demeaning just a comment and always respectful. . He now knows it is part of normal healthy relationship and his parents love each other.
I love men’s butts and love nothing better than seeing a nice one in a nice pair of jeans. I don’t touch either.
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LOL! I agree. We were out recently with a single guy – in fact, one of my clients – and my husband was pointing out hot chicks to him. He was looking perplexed that it was happening in front of me, so my husband reassured him, “don’t worry, Mega doesn’t mind me perving, she usually points them out to me!”. His look of amazement was priceless!!
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I TOTALLY AGREE! I’m single so I can sneak looks all I like (provided the object doesn’t see me doing so!) …and heck, it’s fun. I really enjoy it!
But with an old ex of mine, I’d actually point girls out to him! (I guess in hindsight that it was a start of perhaps little bells telling me that it’d be a different gender the next time I was in a relationship)
My point is – it’s totally natural and I feel vindicated after reading this post!
Thanks
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I’ve always said ‘I don’t care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home’
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Its human nature to gaze at something beautiful or gorgeous. I know my husband looks at other women but he is subtle about. He doesn’t make it obvious especially when he is with me and he doesn’t ever make crass remarks, I appreciate that.
We went to a wedding a while ago, and a friend stormed out of the family wedding because her husband was very obviously leering at the bridesmaids.
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While I know that my husband looks at other women, and I don’t mind a look myself-men or women (usually great outfits I could never put together)… We don’t do it front of each other. I’m not sure why, it’s not a big issue in our household, but early in our relationship my husband declared he never noticed other women when I’m around. 10+ years later he chivalrously pretends this is still the case and I pretend to believe him.
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My husband will usually point out the people that he’s looking at to me. Be it big boobs, crazy hair, a very short skirt etc. I love that she shares his thoughts with me. I quietly love going to the pool to swim laps on the weekend to appreciate some of the fine male bodies on display. It’s my own reward for doing some exercise on the weekend.
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I am going to for out on a limb here and say i don’t agree. GASP! And before all everyone gets on their pervert band wagon let me finish. I think its normal for someone to notice that a person looks nice but I think when ur in a relationship why do u need to be constably ogyling every hot body that walks by? I find that almost rude to be walking with my husband and have him stare at a girl cuz her skirt is almost invisible or her boobs are popping out. It sounds innocent enough but were does the line get drawn? What if one day the looking turns into flirting then that turns into touching etc? I think when u give an inch some ppl take a mile and if u ok with perving constantly then what is ur defence if your partner decides he or she wants to do more than just look??
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That’s not a problem with ‘looking’, that’s a problem with the person DOING the looking. Different.
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99% of people check out people other than their partner, and 1% lie about it.
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Lol!! Love it
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Hmmm interesting article but I don’t really agree….I think that even if you start out in a relationship with all the self confidence in the world, if your partner is constantly (and I mean constantly) looking at other girls/women while he is with you then it can really erode your self confidence. Not being silly about it, it’s fine to notice someone handsome or pretty but the constant looking is a bit destructive on a relationship I believe.
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I agree! There is a difference betwee noticing, and looking. I don’t mind if he spots a pretty woman (or I see a hunky man), but staring or looking repeatedly are not on in my books.
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My boyfriend and I often check out women (and men) together. We love people watching and women especially are such beautiful people that we can’t help but stare sometimes!
Only time I’ve stopped him on it when a stunner walked past and his jaw literally dropped and he went ‘fuck me’. I faked being upset at his remark, but 4 years later we still laugh about it!
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We all seem to be in furious agreement here. I have no problems with a bit of subtle ogling. I’d be more concerned if he didn’t !
PS: Can we tone down the use of the words “respectful / disrespectful” – it’s the most over-used word in the English language at the moment (and no doubt in many other languages). It really grates.
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I’m with you Carly! I have a gorgeous partner who I know loves me just the way that I am. I feel secure enough about where we’re at that if he wants to ogle the cute girl who works behind the counter at our local IGA, or voice-flirt on the phone with the insurance lady, then it doesn’t phase me. I know he’s not going to run off with Ms Budget Direct Insurance, just like he knows that I’m not going to run off with Mr Sexy Irish Bartender at our local pub.
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Totally agree. I always say just because myself and my partner are in a relationship doesn’t mean we instantly went blind the moment our relationship was official.
He loves that I admire other women’s gorgeous boobs/legs/eyes etc.. and I have absolutely no issue if he does the same. I also (of course) eye up hot boys and he just laughs at me when he sees me do it. There is no jealousy as we trust each other, it is purely a mutual admiration of what is around us and it’s fun!
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Awesome. I like the bit where you tell us that your guy is a gentleman who treats you like a queen the best. I’m married to that guy and I don’t care who he looks at in the street or even if he flirts with them a bit (sexy French babe at the creperie, I’m looking at you). He’s never sleazy about it and I figure he wouldn’t tell me about it if there was anything shifty going on. As he puts it ” the day you stop looking is the day you die”. Plus, the women he checks out do tend to be built like me.
Personally, I prefer a good set of biceps which does make walking past a construction site in summer a treat …
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I totally agree also. My husband enjoys looking and I enjoy pointing out girls he may have missed. We’re both totally cool with letting each other look around cos it’s not like we’d actually take it further than looking!
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Absolutely agree! Humans are just one more beautiful thing we have to look at keep looking I say.
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Everyone looks, it’s just women are generally better at not being so obvious. And like everyone seems to agree, so long as it doesn’t go any further – when its not meant to – then it s all good. Hubby and I regularly look. Putting it like sounds crass, but I notice other guys, and girls, as does he. Human nature, and if you complain, then I’d would have to agree that your self confidence in yourself and the relationship needs work. Do you trust him/her. Then there’s no issue.
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No, absolutely not ok. Excuses are just that. Being stupid enough to put up with it makes you a door mat. Women notice men too, all the time. Everyone looks. Absolutely EVERYONE of both genders is aware of someone attractive. You just give your partner respect and make sure you don’t do it so they – or the attractive person – notices.
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Hang on, are you saying it is ok to look? Or it’s not?
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I’m saying it is impossible not to notice if someone is attractive, but you can notice someone without leering, ogling or making it obvious. You cannot help, male or female, being aware if someone gorgeous walks past. But you absolutely can help it, and it is a deliberate choice, if you decide to make it obvious to your partner that you are attracted to that person. It’s just exceptionally rude and disrespectful, whatever your gender, and totally unnecessary. Sorry if I wasn’t clear.
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You do realise you just summarised the above article, right? Only in a far more self-righteous tone.
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Actually “anon”, what I did was reply to the question posed in the title. Thanks for the ill-mannered jibe and the laugh though.
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I actually think there’s a bit of a difference between being attracted to someone, as in wanting to sleep with them, and just admiring a beautiful person walking past. the former is where the problems may start. the latter is harmless fun!
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Cheers to you Carly! I love checking out men and other women and I’m not ashamed to admit it!
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Of course it is OK – for me as well as my fella. It is known as “scenery” in our family…..and beautiful scenery is one of the delights of life.
That said l agree with the bit about there being a difference between looking at the scenery and something sleazy. The thing about scenery is that you don’t generally interact with it.
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Nope, I’m with you 100%. Who the hell are you* to tell your guy where to put his eyes? It’s just very immature and only shows your lack of self confidence.
*hypothetical, general ‘you’
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Im feeling ya sister! I will point out boobs and hot bods to my husband but at the same time feel perfectly comfortable making an amusing crass comment about a particularly beefy man.
We’re cool like that
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I completely agree. My husband & I tell each other who we think is attractive all the time. Mine mostly look like hubby and hubby…well his are just all female.
I think it’s healthy. I don’t like secrets so better out in the open I say!
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My rule is you can look but dont touch!
The ones who dont say anything are the ones you have to watch from my experience, because they are the ones who tend to touch!
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I agree with almost every point made in this piece. It’s fine to look, it’s what you DO after looking that could be wrong (ie flirting, comparing who you’re with to the person you’re admiring etc).
The one thing I disagree with is this particular turn of phrase: “However he has both a penis and eyes…” It implies you need a penis to look at others. Not true (as the rest of the article points out).
It’s human nature, not just MAN nature to look at others and find things aesthetically, physically and otherwise appealing. Girls do it too. I am notorious for it, though I do make an effort to be subtle if I’m on a date
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I have no problem with looking. Just don’t be rude or creepy about it.
Personally, I love a good set of shoulders and a tan…
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Totally agree, well said. Particularly love the ‘world is a unicorn playground’. Great article.
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