What’s your relationship trade-off?
by MELISSA CHAPMAN
I love my husband, madly, desperately and passionately. But I also realise now, at almost 39, something I didn’t really consider at 25 when I was marrying a 40 year old man; that this age difference will be a factor, simply because no matter how young at heart we feel the physical body is its own beast that ages (and dies just a little) every day.
That’s right- my husband is 54, aka, most of his friends have kids who have already graduated from university and some who are even getting married. He’s middle-aged – and while when I look at him and his greying temples and the deepening furrows in his brow- I love him all the more – physically he is not on par with that of a 38 year old man (or woman). He just doesn’t have the energy that I do – and while I’ve never felt our dramatic 15-year age difference before, recently I have and it just makes me wistful ( and wondering how my life would be different had I married someone my own age).
Don’t get me wrong- the man is in really good shape- he goes running everyday and even takes cholesterol medicine ( sheesh my husband takes cholesterol medicine) . And he can run circles around me… but when the clock strikes 6pm he’s ready for bed (yes he’s an early bird special enthusiast) and well, I’m not. And getting him to go out and party into the wee hours of 10pm on a weekend night, well it’s a struggle to say the least. I know it’s not that he doesn’t want to – rather his internal clock just doesn’t work well at that time in the evening – and at almost 39 mine is a RARING to go.
But I get it– this is my marital tradeoff – I married someone older as opposed to my own age because he possessed a maturity level that I simply couldn’t find in someone my own age. (When I got married at 25 years old, my husband who was 40, was still good to go after 10pm!) I married someone who was ready to settle down and start a family and be as hands on a father as I could possibly hope for. And I don’t regret my decision at all- I know it’s part of my path- and I love my husband- I just wish- every once in a while- he could stay up past 10pm…
Melissa Chapman is the chief blogger at Married My Sugar Daddy, which you can find here.
What’s your marital tradeoff?
Comments
97 Comments so far
Interesting article and insightful comments! My partner is 22 years older than me. I’m not sure I’m cool with the ‘trade off’ perspective. This assumes that if there’s no trade off, then all is perfect. And as we all know there’s no perfect relationship. Mine is energising, familiar yet changing, and really positive. I have a best friend, lover and companion. He appears younger than his chronological age and I’ve always been ‘mature’. We don’t have children. I’ve just found myself emerging on the other side of a stressful period of wondering whether I’ve left it too late for him (parenting). But I feel really positive knowing that he would/could/will be a deeply committed, natural, fun and patient parent. This could be really suitable for us as I guess I will be a major bread winner whilst he parents. My life is too short to ponder about trade-offs or worry about what other people think. As it happens, my partner is an incredibly likeable, popular, multi-skilled and well received lad, and I’m more than fortunate to have him.
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I have some musings on this subject. He is 58. I am 34. I’m not sure if anyone is still reading the post and comments. I’m happy to share some of my thoughts and experiences…and there are a few!
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I would be interested in your musings…. At 38 I dated a 50 year old and, among other issues that sealed the fate of the relationship, decided that the age difference was something I could not pretend I didn’t care about. I realise your age gap is much larger than that. Since then, I have been happy with someone only a couple of years difference in age to myself – but would be very intrigued to hear your thoughts and experiences, to compare with my experience. He would now be 61 years old and I don’t really know how I would feel about that if we were still together.
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I’m 21 and have been dating my wonderful 40 year old boyfriend for almost a year now. He has taught me so much and has given me stability and care and passion that I can’t find among any men my age or even in their late 20s. When I met him I thought he was about 30 at the most, and he certainly doesn’t behave like a middle-aged man. If anything, I’m the one who falls asleep at 9 every night.
Although I know it is a significant age difference, and it will obviously have implications, good and bad, he makes me do wonderfully happy that I could never think about it impacting me to the point where we would end our relationship.
I’m interested to hear the experiences other people who have dated/married with a similar age gap
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My brother in law is 63 & I’ve known him since I was 6. From then to this day, some 35 years on he quite happily & easily stays up until 4 or 5 in the morning.
My sister, Mum & I are all early birds. I rise at 5 & like to have lights out at 9.30 & can pull a rabbit out of the hat & do an all nighter if I’m having a great time. As can they. That’s been my behaviour since I first got social at 17/18.
My sister has been going to bed at 8.30pm from when she married at 20 to now in her 50′s, she’s much younger than her husband. But will do the wee hours in the morn thing with him when they’re with their friends as her trade off.
It’s personality & preference, not age.
Personally I don’t see 15 years as a dramatic difference. I’d welcome hearing a story from someone with a 20plus year age difference.
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My trade off was a fancy career. I will graduate law school with honours and would have been capable of a fantastic city job. But I married a grazier (farmer) and so my fancy career has turned into a regional legal job. Saying that, I have fallen in love with the lifestyle, having a few dogs and horses and being able hang out with my favourite person in peace every day
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Fancy carriers are fleeting. Happiness is in the simple things. Good for you. Too many people chase the moon only to come to the end of their days feeling unfulfilled.
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My trade-off, simply, is children. I happened to meet the kindest, wisest, funniest man who is basically my soulmate in every way…only he already has three and doesn’t want any more. I wrestled with the decision (I’ve never felt super-maternal but I’ve always assumed that the urge might hit me at some point) but ultimately I chose love over having my own kids.
I’ve been criticised for doing this (“you’ll regret it!” etc…mostly from my grandmother, poor old batty dear, haha) but ultimately I take accountability for my decision and am at peace with it. I am fully aware of everything I’ve chosen to miss out on…not giving my parents the pleasures of becoming grandparents is probably the hardest. But, in the end, if I suddenly chose to leave my fiance in order to have a baby, who is to say I’d find someone else who loves and understands me like he does? It’s not worth it. My trade-off is one I am satisfied to have made.
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Honestly, what a ridiculous article. He is 54, hardly time to knit him a rug and pop him out to pasture. People have different sleep cycles/energy levels at any age. I need to be in bed by 2100 as I get exhausted and need more sleep, my husband is the opposite and can function on 5 hours a night. It is called genetics. I am sure your husband felt fabulous after reading this. No wonder so many men have mid life crises at 50 with guff like this sprouted. Maybe he might surprise you with the red sports car and 20 year old with pneumatic boobs, that would be a trade off!
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My trade off was that in meeting when I was 18 and marrying my gorgeous husband 6 years later, I missed all those fun years of living with friends, partying, having lots of boyfriends, going travelling for months at a time etc.
With him being 12 years older he’d done all that stuff years before, and was in ‘house buying/nest padding/superannuation growing’ mode.
I love him to bits and wouldn’t change our life for a second, but I do feel I missed that part of my life. Still, going on girls weekends and stuff does go some way to make up for it
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My trade off was sex. He was the most hilarious, intellegent, kind, generous, wonderful man and I was head over heels in love with him, but he had the sex drive of a post-menopausal nun and the skills of a dead fish. Now I’m with a kind, smart, wonderful man who makes me black out during sex. I’m happy with my trade off!
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Haha that sounds more like a trade-in, than a trade off!!
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Haha maybe! I’m not as head over heels in love though. I’m in love with him and love him very deeply, but I don’t think he’s God’s gift to mankind like I did with my ex. So that’s the trade off…
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My mum and dad are eight years apart and she says the thing she didn’t realise at the time was that at the end of her career, she’d have to deal with the monotony of going to work every day while dad is buzzing around town enjoying his retirement! Shes only got a few months to go now though
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I’m 45 and my partner is just about to turn 35. I stay up later than him every night, have much more energy and a larger group of friends. It’s not the age, it’s the personality!
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Not sure if this can be put down to age! Seriously, your husband is still only 54, not like he is on the border of entering a retirement home…
My two house mates are 34 and 40 respectively and they basically live the same life. “Downtime” starts at 6.30 pm – then all the lights are turned off and we all have to prepare for the night!! (there is a reason that I stay in my office til 10 pm everyday). They have normally been sleeping for hours by the time I reach the house at 10.30 pm.
Sounds like you are very focused on the age difference and in this circumstance I don’t really this that is the case…
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Great article. My dad was 15 yrs older than my mum and they had an incredible marriage. I also loved having an older father, he was so intelligent and patient – had the time to teach me things as he was later in his career, so around more. The trade off though, was that he died (a lot) earlier than my mum, which had her having to find a whole new group of friends – which she found hard.
My trade-off is that I married a Doctor. I love that he loves his job and that he helps people and that he has job security. But I hate that he works 100+ hours a week and that we never know if he will be at family/any events. Like christmas/bdays etc. It’s a trade off, but some times I wish he just bloody had a normal job
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My husband and I are similar ages (I am a year older actually) so my comment isn’t really about the topic, but about some of the comments from women in their late 20s and early 30s who are with a great guy but aren’t ready for children. If I were you I’d be having children now. I was 40 when I married and there is little chance of conceiving then. Thankfully we now have 2 great children, one from IVF. I tell all my friends not to wait to have children if they have found someone they want to have children with, as it’s not all smooth sailing. A women’s fertility is extremely low from 35, so don’t waste your reproductive years on something as unfulfilling as your job. Your workmates won’t be around when you are old, but your children will!
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Maybe my trade-off was what you’re talking about, Katerina: I met my daughter’s father when I was 25 and we decided to have a baby 6 months into our relationship. I loved him (and still do) dearly, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder if we’d be compatible in the long term.
So I traded-off to have a baby with a person I knew would be a wonderful dad, and and excellent co-parent and friend. We are no longer ‘together’ together (we live apart and see other people) and I sometimes wonder what it would be like to raise a child with her father right beside me…
That said, I think I’m extremely lucky. Beautiful, healthy, happy girl, great co-parent and a big, supportive network of family and friends? I’m glad I made that trade-off
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My husband and I grew up in very different families. So my trade off is that our parents don’t socialise very often… in fact our parents have only see each other three times! Once just before our wedding, once at our wedding and once when we were leaving to come overseas!
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Trade-off: I get to enjoy the sweetness and gentleness of a shy introvert… and sometimes feel frustrated at his lack of social interaction/skill.
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The trade off in my relationship is his family. I am with the most incredible man, who I love more than life itself, however, his family are a little, how do I say this, feral… Their house is an awful mess, they don’t shower daily, handwashing is optional, they burp, fart and swear constantly and they just make me cringe. But, they come with him so, I put up with it…
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My marital trade off would be that I agree to cook as long as he cooks the meat and fish for me as I hate touching raw meat. Oh and he mustn’t be afraid of creepy crawlies. I’m just not ever going to be able to deal with having to kill enormous cockroaches or spiders. Sorry, sweetie.
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i’m 30 he is 42. it is a trade off.
great article.
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I am 43, in the peak of my working life while raising a young family. He is 59, semi retired and travels often. As I have chosen to remain with this good man, my trade is having a permanent boyfriend not a daily partner. If we were more equally matched in age our shared lives would align in a easier more traditional manner.
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My trade off is that his family will always dominate important events like xmas, easter, mothers/fathers day and mine will always rate second to these things (luckily my family understand why this is)
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Why??
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Maybe she’s married into the Royal Family?
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Mostly it’s due to the fact his parents are very uptight and like to have control over everything and everyone whereas my family are much more laidback and it’s not the end of the world if someone can’t make family dinner like it is with his family.
It can be frustrating at times but It’s just the way they are and I accept that. It doesn’t mean we don’t see my family, it just means they work around his family commitments to make it easier for the two of us.
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Yeah I live this reality too. Pushy and interfering (but lovely) Italian in-laws mean I don’t have a speck of privacy and that every family occasion is dominated by his loud family. Also, my partner has kids so Christmas/New Years etc is always about them rather than about what I would like to do. TRADE-OFF for all the love and hugs that are part of the deal.
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It really pisses me off when people in Australia use the prefix to describe their in-laws as ‘Italian’ when what they really mean is nosey/interfering/suffocating. This is not solely Italian in-laws. I find it a stereotype that verges on racism
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I’m really sorry if those comments offend you. However from my experience with my inlaws and the extended family, it is very different to anything I have experienced outside an Italian family, and especially for someone whose family is quite laid back and respects privacy and personal choice, it is difficult to deal with at times. The only stress I ever had over my wedding arrangements came from my inlaws because I didnt want to do things the way they expected them to be done. I know this isnt unique to me. Same for each childs christening. When they found out we werent having a function for 200 people they were ‘embarressed and horrified’, we would bring shame on the family and my mother in law kept saying what will people think? and shaking her head. My husband has worked hard to make them respect our privacy and allow us to make our own choices however I understand a lot of it is cultural and they dont realise they are being difficult and making our lives stressful, they are just living the only way they know.
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In my past marriage, I had dominant in-laws who are much like Miss V described. And very involved in the plans of our family, even to where we would live. My parents, on the other hand, made sure they completely respected any decision we made. There was an unspoken permanent open invitation to visit but no pressure if we could not make it. But my parents are the ones who are Italian!
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I don’t think that a ten year age gap is bad, and I do think it depends on the energy level and personality of the man. As for a trade off, well I guess I must be a huge romantic as I think that you grow together and fill each other’s needs. Just because you are an early to bed person in your 20′s doesn’t mean you would not suddenly develop a love of the late night outing when you find someone who loves it himself. I think a relationships builds on a starting point. People don’t stop growing just because they “settle down”. As long as you find your soulmate…that person who is fundamentally similar to you and on the same life path. It is so important to be honest about who you are and where you think life is meant to take you. Relationships do not need to fit a certain mould. But there must be a real strong bond and deepening unity between the couple as they go through life together.
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Funny you mention that….my inlaws, coming from a European background, had always celebrated Christmas Eve. That was until the year we got married. Then all of a sudden his mother decided to celebrate and host Christmas lunch, which surprise surprise clashed with my family tradition. So that meant we had to choose between his family and my family. We decided to alternate and see one Christmas day one year, and the other side of the family on boxing day and then alternate the following year.
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Thanks for this post Melissa. I enjoyed reading it. While it might seem a small thing to some I can understand how a big age difference can feel like a big thing in a relationship. My lifestyle has changed a lot in the passage from 40 to 47. Physically I’m just not the same. It happens.
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Awesome husband, equally evil ex. Love him (and his son) to bits, but gee I could do without her. I figure that’s it’s a karmic balance to stop me getting too smug about my awesome life!
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Am in exactly the same position, Susan. It’s quite the trade off…
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Not sure what the trade off refers to in this article. I am 37, my husband is 40, he takes cholesterol tablets, I feel tired by 8pm (probably due to the 10 mth yo, 5 yo and 7 yo). I was waiting to read the serious issue but it didn’t come. For example i thought you were going to talk about an illness etc. That said, this article has made me fleetingly reflect that I have been married for 15 years and despite numerous daily irriations about my partner and kids (except of course for the adorable baby)….I love them all dearly and would not change anything.
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Why dont you go out without him or with your friends – much easier solution…lots of women go out independantly if their husbands cant match their energy levels
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In my first marriage, the trade off was being married to a nasty, abusive person. It makes any so-called “trade off” which comes with now being married to an older man who is really nice to me all the time seem pretty insignificant in comparison.
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Not feeling compatible anymore isn’t a trade off, I would say that’s settling. A trade off is: ‘You take the bins out and Ill do the washing up!’ Sometimes people don’t grow together in a marriage as expected and its ok to say it no longer fits. Sounds as though the author is trying to convince herself of something to me.
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I don’t think that’s true. What if she had said that he was a bit messy while she was a neat freak, but that in every other way they were a great fit? I think they are still compatible as partners, they just have routines that don’t match beautifully. Sounds like a normal kind of trade-off to me.
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marriages take work and no marriage is perfect.
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I think that’s her point
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My mum was 21 and my dad 39 when they met.
Dad has just turned 70 and mum is now 52.
I would love to know what the challenges have been for them regarding the age difference! Besides people thinking he is her father! They broke up once or twice while dating but that was nothing to do with age.
Though I have to say for a 70 year old my dad is very active mentally and physically, with the occasional afternoon nap thrown in
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How blessed you are to love and be loved. When you take a step back and look at it everything else falls into its rightful place.
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I dated a man 20 years old then myself. No I don’t have daddy issues and work as a counsellor so feel psychologically stable and balanced in life. He was a regular marathon runner,a daily runner and had much more energy then I ever had. I only ended the relationship because I wanted a baby and he had a grown son. Older can be fantastic and there are many things I miss actually…I think we all have issues with our partners no matter what the age…
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I married a younger man and often wonder what it would be like if I married an older man… one who wants to stay home at night on the weekends.
I guess you always wonder what could have been.
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I would have just thought you fell in love with who you fell in love with regardless of age? Or is that naive of me.
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my thoughts exactly…
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Oh cuppy, if only.
My hubby #2 (yes, I know. Some people collect spoons and coasters..), was 7 years younger than me. All was fine until after about 9 years together he just stopped giving a crap. Put on 30kgs, was on blood pressure meds at 33, came home from work, ate dinner and sat on his arse in front of the HD box or Foxtel sports. I was – and still am – fitter, more energetic and overly happier than he was/is. He wasn’t depressed. He just felt he’d self actualised and didn’t need to do anything more.
This is why he is my X.
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But is that because of age or… Erm..is it just him?
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I’m not married, but the trade-off in my relationship is definitely having to put up with his mother and nan.
Aside from that he is the most wonderful, caring, sexy and funny person I know.
totally worth it
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You could have married my 38 year old boyfriend who nods off at 6pm most nights in front of the telly or you could have married my 58 year old father who is a night owl, loves a good bottle of wine (or 3) most nights and, along with my 58 year old Mother, is constantly out socialising at dinners, drinks, balls and cocktail parties…
Quite glad you married neither of them to be honest though.
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There’s an 11 year gap between my husband and I, with me being the younger of us. However, I am always the one ready for bed at 8.30pm on a Saturday, while he functions very well on less than six hours of sleep a night.
I think this article makes a bit of an unfair generalisation about older people. Also, I read some of the blog written by this author and found it strange that she defines herself by who she married, and manages to write so much about an age difference that, frankly, isn’t that huge or unique. Also, anyone could miss a brown spot on their kids’ teeth – that’s not a function of age, just attention to detail.
To answer the question posed at the end of this article, the trade off in my relationship is that my husband comes with the baggage of an ex wife and three children, two of whom are sadly estranged from him. That causes him great grief and takes a bit of emotional energy from him, but our relationship and the love between us means those things are just things that are part of our life rather than a ‘trade off’.
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The article isn’t generalising – she is specifically talking about her husband!
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I didn’t find the writer was generalising either. She is not asking for pity or saying how bad it is, just talking about her own personal experience with her older hubby. Some readers will always find fault with everything, but I guess the purpose of this is to create opinion and feedback.
Anyway I found it interesting and light hearted. And I think the title of her blog with reference to marrying her “Sugar Daddy” is done so with tongue firmly planted in cheek.
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I thought it was generalising too, in that the inference was that he was like he is because of his age..getting older…which I don’t believe to be true. He could just be that way because that is the way he is. I’m older than her husband and I don’t have any trouble staying up late etc.
In fact when I read this article I couldn’t help but think that he probably should have a checkup because having high cholesterol and lacking energy at 54 is a little unusual in an otherwise fit and healthy person.
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Thanks Teacup, that was what I was referring to.
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I would never consider anything about my partner to be a ‘trade off and I’d be a bit offended if he said something about me he didn’t like was a trade off for the bits that he did to be honest. Of course no one is perfect and personality traits or habits will get on your nerves at times but I really hope in the future I don’t think wistfully about how life would be if I had chosen someone else. (And that’s not sarcasm, i really hope that doesn’t happen to me!)
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I wish my husband would go to bed early so I can have some ‘me’ time!!!
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I don’t like that this woman has a blog called “Married My Sugar Daddy” sorry but that is offensive
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My trade off is cricket. My husband is cricket MAD. Tragic, to the point of obsessed, and at 50 plays cricket allll day Saturday, coaches our son’s team Friday night, trains our son’s team Tues night and trains himself Thurs night and sometimes Sun morning. That’s a lot of family time lost to a red ball and some stumps, and from October to April each year I’m a single mother all Saturday and those other evenings. My girlfriends tell me they’d never put up with it, but this is his love. Cricket makes him happy, and who am I to deny him that? I knew what I was getting into when we met (he played Saturday AND Sunday then, and our wedding was shifted from a Saturday so he didn’t have to miss a game!)… more to the point, I *love* that he has a passion, something in his life that makes his eyes light up, something he anticipates and adores. So many men his age don’t- so many people don’t, full stop. It keeps him young, it keeps him fit, it brings him joy. That’s my trade off, but I can live with it. There are some things you can’t fight- and shouldn’t.
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Oh Kylie, what a smart woman you are. That “eyes light up” thing? That’s everything.
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Replace cricket with fishing and you’ve got my partner. OBSESSED!!!
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Can we trade partners over summer? I’m the cricket tragic; my husband, not so much … in fact, not at all!
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He sounds like my son. i’ve never understood that “I wouldnt put up with it ” attitude. His love of cricket is a part of what your husband is.
On reading all these responses my thought is how lucky these MM readers are to have such fantastic partners
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My trade off? I’m his ears. My husband is hearing impaired. He has low frequency hearing. There is no calling out from across the room let alone the next room. We’ve had to teach our kids from toddlerhood to wave at,grab,or tap daddy to get his attention before speaking and then to look at daddy’s eyes to speak to him. Needless to say I dare say Its made me a better communicator and make our kids the same.
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Are you sure this is an issue with age? I am 29 years old and couldn’t think of anything worse than going out partying these days. I did that in my teens and early 20s and it’s now well and truly out of my system. All I want to do on weekends is hang around at home, go to a friend’s house or go for dinner. Anything more than that just doesn’t appeal to me.
My dad, on the other hand, is in his late 50s and constantly goes out and has late nights, weekends, during the week, all the time, he thrives on it. It could be an introvert vs extrovert thing, or morning vs night person. I don’t see why you think it’s just age-related.
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Hmm, I don’t think going to bed at 6pm is an age thing. My ex partner is 57 (I’m 31) and he had more energy than I do! (and he never exercised!). The reasons we broke up had nothing to do with age. Interesting….
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Oh, Melissa. This is my story and something that’s been on my mind A LOT. I’m 29 and in a relationship with a 41 yo. In many ways it’s perfect: he owns his own home, has two great cars and a thriving career that’s extremely well paid. He’s totally set up and like your husband, possesses a maturity that men my age generally don’t. We are very much in love and all he wants is to give me everything; for me to step into his life and not have to worry about a thing.
Of course, this is very appealing. I have virtually no savings and am YEARS off buying my own home. I’m also at a point where I’d like to change careers. It’s likely I’ll be on a pretty crappy wage for a few years but he’s all for it, saying he’ll support me 100 per cent. These are all very wonderful, generous things and alleviate worries I’d otherwise have. So why am I so concerned?
I can’t stop thinking about where we’ll be in 10 or 20 years. At the moment his energy levels are on par with mine, but will they go downhill rapidly? Will his interests change away from mine? Also, children. I’m not ready to have them yet and don’t think I will be for five or so years. Is this selfish of me? Will he be too old to be a first-time dad at 46?
Very interested to hear from anyone who’s been in this situation.
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I’m sure you don’t mean it the way it sounds but nearly all the good things you list about your partner are to do with his material possesions and money…
I can understand your concerns though, I have a friend in her late 20s dating a guy in his early 40s and she has spoken often about how the future worries her. My mum works with a lady who married an older man too and it is now when she is in her late 50s and he his late 70s that it has become a real issue. He really is happy to stay in and do nothing a lot of the time and she is still raring to go out and travel etc. She is very unhappy. But not all older people are the same, some stay very active into their 80s. Only you know the person your partner is and how you think they will turn out
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Thats what I took from this comment as well Lolly. It comes across like Kate has thought of all the material attributes that her partner offers her at a time in her life when she has not financially set herself up. At no time does she mention the personal attributes that she finds attractive about her partner, regardless of the age difference. If I were him reading this, I’d be worried that she wasn’t with me for the right reasons.
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I have responded to you, Lolly, but my comment must be trapped somewhere. I’m absolutely mortified my comment came out this way. I agree, it sounds horrendous. I did go on to write about the trade off in my relationship: how all these material things were great but mean I won’t be able to travel over the next few years as originally planned. I cut that out before posting, however, because it all seemed too long and very me, me, me. In the process, I’ve made myself out to be a money-grabbing troll. Let this be a lesson in re-reading before hitting save.
I can assure you that I’m very much in love with my partner because he is good and kind and generous and hilarious. I am utterly head over heels and still feel giddy when I see him at the end of every day. He is a wonderful man and I feel truly fortunate for the happiness we share.
Thanks for the feedbaxk. xxxxxx
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just be careful making any decisions based on money. money can make life easier, but doesn’t make you happy. i know so many lovely/happy couples who have barely got enough money to buy groceries every week, but they are happy through love.
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Do you realise that all the things you mention about your partner being perfect are related to how much money he has. I couldn’t imagine describing my partner and the first thing that comes to mind being “he has two great cars.” Is there anything you love about him that isn’t money-related?
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Kate, your thoughts resonated with me too. I am 29 (for three more weeks!) and my husband recently turned 38. I am not ready to have children and would like to wait a few years. I’d ideally like to wait until my mid thirties but know I need to probably listen to fertility advice recommending that I start early! I’ve noticed there are a lot of older first time fathers these days. My partner is active and fit and I’m not overly concerned that he will be too old, if and when we choose to have children.
All the best!
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My husband is 49, I’m 37. We met when I was 18 and he was 30, married when I was 24 and he was 36, had our first child when I was 25 and he was 37, had our 3rd child when I was just shy of 30 and he was 42.
His one great regret is that he didn’t have kids earlier. He was very fearful of commitment and kids are the greatest commitment of all, but now he has them he dearly wishes that we’d have had our first when I was 18.
He sees so many of his friends at the same age who’s kids are all grown and moved out of home, and they’re all starting to take great holidays and slow down the work a little, whilst we’re just ramping up for the increase in school fees, camps, after school activities etc as the oldest heads towards high school.
This is just our experience of course, but remember you still want to be able to have some sort of life together once your children are grown. It’s tough though!
Best of luck x
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I’m 36 and my husband is 45. When we got married he was 28 and couldn’t stay up late! But at 45 he has cancer and is unlikely to be cured. There are no guarantees, we love who we love and everyone is different. One thing I’ve noticed as a woman in her thirties is that my libido is much higher than it was when I was younger, maybe we should be choosing younger men who can keep up with us rather than older ones.
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I hear what you’re saying. My hubby is only 9 years older (we are 34 and 43). As we have a toddler and are expecting our second child I really see his energy, patience and health decreasing. He looks after himself, is an amazing husband and father and I wouldn’t trade him in.
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I don’t think it’s only older men that have this problem. There are plenty of younger ones (my 41 yo hubby included) who are crashed out on the couch at 7pm. My kids love waiting for him to nod off so they can turn off the ABC news and switch on Modern Family!!
I’ll accept that trade off because this man who I love dearly gets up at 5.30am every morning to run, swim or ride so that rather than exercise after work, he can come home and spend time with his family. And as an added bonus he is fit and healthy. And on the weekends he has a Nanna nap before heading out
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I married an amazing man who is 12 years older than me. I was 23 and he was 35 when we married. We are now into our 13th year of marriage that started with a bang of the surprise arrival of our daughter, after 10 years of infertility. Becoming a dad for the first time at 48 must have been daunting for him, and the sleep deprivation is pretty bad for him. But the wonderful things that attracted me back in the beginning are now making him the best dad I have ever seen.
Having said that – yes, there is a trade off. It is timing. Now when I know I can have children, and wouldn’t mind trying for one more…my husband wants our daughter to be the only one so that he can continue with plans for his age-group; semi retirement etc.
He is an extremely hard worker and honestly I can’t deny him a rest! I am so grateful for our daughter, it doesn’t bother me too much, but yes, our age difference has it’s tradeoffs, most definately.
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I don’t know many 39 year old’s who are raring to go at 10pm on a Saturday night.
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I don’t either, I already commented saying I am only 29 and the last thing I want to do is go and party on a Saturday night.
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I agree…most 35-45 year olds I know are hardly raring to go past 10pm on any night. I also laughed when the husband is referred to as middle-aged at 54. At 39, that’s very close to being called middle-aged also (I think “technically” the definition is 40 or 45 to 65 or something like that?).
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I’m 28 and my idea of a perfect Saturday night would be a dinner out with a small group of mates, and I’d be in bed by 10:30pm latest.
That said, I’m up at 5:30am, even on weekends – I just love early mornings – my favourite part of the day.
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Nicole, you sound like me with your sleeping patterns!
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I’m 47 and I’m just getting started at 10
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My boyfriend is 21 and he struggles to stay up past 8:30pm… I am pretty sure he has never seen a full game of friday night footy, or watched a movie the whole way through.. lol.
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I hear you! Mines in his late 20′s and falls asleep almost as soon as he sits down cause he works his arse off from 7-6 everyday! Perhaps Melissa husband is tired because he has to work his arse off to put the sugar in ‘sugar daddy’
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I’ve been married since I was 17 and from the age of about 24 onwards I was banned from lying down when we are watching tv/movie. Once I am comfy *BANG* out like a light!!
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I’m usually good to crash at about 10, but I’ve found that if I force myself to stay awake I’ll become more alert again by 12 and can keep going for a few more hours. Try that.
Also: you’re blog is called “Married My Sugar Daddy”? Makes the preceding talk about marrying him for his emotional maturity look a bit hollow.
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Surely this is said tongue in cheek?!!!
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There is an 11 year gap between me and my husband.. He doesnt like to go out, rather stay home and fall asleep on the couch. But he is the most wonderful and engaging father and husband, and I couldnt imagine my life without him in it.. Even though a night out every now and then wouldn’t hurt.
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