.
by ALEXIS CAREY
My 26th birthday is just around the corner, and talk has suddenly turned to marriage.
Not between my boyfriend and I mind you, but from well-meaning family, friends and acquaintances keen to know when we are planning to tie the knot.
Except for one little problem: just like Carrie Bradshaw, I seem to be missing the bride gene.
Call me crazy, but I have never seen the appeal of shelling out $36,000 (the cost of the average Aussie wedding) for what is basically one big party.
I don’t enjoy being the centre of attention, having my outfit scrutinised, listening to cheesy speeches or dancing The Nutbush- all wedding staples.
I can’t imagine ever caring about napkins or bonbonniere or beige invitations or matching bridesmaids’ shoes and I don’t believe that if you like it, then you necessarily better put a ring on it.
Yet all of a sudden, I seem to be dodging The Marriage Question on a regular basis and every time it happens, I experience a little jolt of horror.
Before we go any further, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I am not dissing the institution of marriage. I am not judging those who do want the big, traditional wedding or those who choose to marry young.
Don’t get me wrong, I can fully understand why the whole white wedding fairytale thing appeals to so many people. Just about everyone I know wants to get married eventually and I may well end up taking the plunge myself one day.
But it’s important to remember that it is not everyone’s cup of tea.
At (almost) 26, I’ve got other things to prioritise. In 2012, it should not surprise anyone that at this stage of my life I am far more concerned with my career, travel and saving for a house deposit than getting hitched. And these days, there is no real rush, is there?
We all know the facts and figures. The average Australian bride is now 29. Marriage rates are in decline, cohabitation is off the Richter and we are now perfectly able to own property, have children, survive financially and have sex without a ring on our finger- so why do people still assume that marriage should be every young woman’s ultimate goal?
And while I am ranting, here is another thought – asking a couple when they plan to marry can be fraught with danger, incredibly confronting and just plain rude.
While it is natural to discuss the topic with family and close friends, it can be pretty damn uncomfortable having to explain something so intensely private to nosy strangers.
(Maybe the couple can’t afford to get married. Maybe she desperately wants to get married but he’s just not that into her. Maybe he is certain she is The One but she secretly thinks she can do better. There are countless reasons why couples don’t choose to get hitched and prying runs the very real risk of opening up some pretty serious emotional wounds. Just a thought.)
I don’t expect to walk down the aisle anytime soon and I have always believed that you should take your time when it comes to making the biggest investment, risk and gamble you will most probably ever make.
I have also noticed again and again that the success and longevity of a marriage does not always match the elaborateness of the nuptials (Kim Kardashian, I’m looking at you.)
In fact, the very opposite is true in many cases. There seems to be an awful lot of people out there who are so focused on the fairytale wedding that they lose sight of what it is really all about- building a life with someone you love and respect above all others.
So while there are many out there who disagree with me- and power to you- I for one will be biding my time before deciding if and when to say “I do”.
Rachael Finch married Michael Miziner
Alexis Carey is a mathematically-challenged journalist who is addicted to pub trivia and red liquorice. She is also an aspiring children’s author and has just started her own blog at realitybitesblog.com.
Do you have the bride gene? What was your wedding like?
Comments
101 Comments so far
I’m missing it too… The bride gene. I love weddings and all they represent; as long as I am not the bride. My wedding cost $160 including the registration. I was 7 months pregnant and it all unfolded in Las Vegas. My parents were a little disappointed though they have never td me this. My brother was seething for months and still gets a little emotional about my elope to Vegas. In hindsight I wish my parents and brother were there, but only them. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on one day we bought a house and travelled half way around the world. In a few years we are renewing our vows, in Las Vegas, with our children and immediate family – and it will be perfect.
loading...
I also don’t get the “fairy tale” wedding thing. I could never justify the money, the show, the costumes etc. Our wedding cost about $500 – made my own wedding dress from black silk and red lace I had lying around the house, hired a suit for husband and a celebrant. Got married on the beach – 8 months pregnant and over 40. Had 2 witnesses/ friends and I wouldn’t change a thing!
loading...
I have a bit of a bridal gene, but apparently not enough… Apparently having gotten engaged on Christmas Eve I am not allowed to enjoy the moment, I must know right now what colours I want, themes, bridal party, venues and dress…
loading...
I couldn’t care less about the finer details of my wedding, I was in it for the marriage. We spent 5 grand including honeymoon, it was small and simple and everyone had a great time, bridal party wore their own shoes, boys their own pants, girls did their own nails, most services were donated by friends or friends of friends. I can’t understand lavish weddings. We bought a house 6 months later, a much better use of hard earned money.
loading...
Hubby n I spent around $7000 on our wedding. But we spent way more on our honeymoon. N also we did the honeymoon before wedding which was way different
loading...
We spent nowhere near $36K for our wedding. People think that we paid more, but so far from it. You really don’t need to spend anywhere near that to have a nice wedding if you want one. I think that there are a lot of misconceptions out there about how much you should pay for a wedding.
Having said that, it’s up to the couple to do as they like. But just had to comment on the average wedding price thing.
loading...
I am also almost 26, have been with my partner for 4.5 years and constantly get asked “you guys must be getting married soon?”.
When I reply “oh no, I don’t want to get married”… people assume I desperately want to get hitched and am pining after a ring and just say that blunt comment to deflect attention. Not true.
I don’t want to get married, I plan on being with my partner forever, marriage is just not my thing. I don’t see the point. And people seem to take real offence when you say this. GRRR!
loading...
Totally get Alexis’ view – it was definitely mine at the same stage/age in my life and didn’t marry till after 8 years into our relationship. It was never about the lack of commitment or revulsion by marriage, just entirely in reaction to the “wedding industry”. Still in a happy committed relationship 14 years later but lacking the “bridal gene” is fairly common and oft has to do with other people’s behaviour and attitudes that are so off putting.
loading...
Pingback: It's The Bride In Me – "I'm missing the bride gene." Mamamia
The other half and I have been together now for 11yrs, married for 4 (spent $5k on our wedding 5 star winery/resturant, ppl think we spent more), expecting our first baby later on this year, and before we got married/engaged everyone would ask when are you pair getting married? I would respond ask the other half, he would repsond “everytime someone asks me that question it has been pushed back for another year” everyone got the hint real fast.
loading...
My ‘bride’ gene didn’t kick in until I was around 29 so maybe you have time yet! I was married at 30, and then separated at 31 and am now single and still paying off the damn wedding loan at 32. Hardly ideal. In hindsight I should have paid a lot more attention to the red flags in the relationship and the fact that my now ex husband and I were not really a good match for each other rather than worrying about flowers, the ‘perfect’ dress and all that other wedding hoopla. If I ever do it again it will be a quiet ceremony on a secluded beach with a handful of friends and family…
I still believe in love and marriage – but now really see the difference between a one day event and happily ever after…
loading...
I didn’t have much of a bride gene growing up but got married on our 7th wedding anniversay and it was damn fantastic!!
Make it your own and only do things you really want to – we spent money on the best band as music is important to us.
I wore a beautiful blue dress (I don’t much like white and there are no rules if you don’t want them to be).
We didn’t have a bridal party or cars or a fancy cake.
We got married on a Beautiful headland in Sydney and had a kick-ass party right there
It was colourful, loving, trust me the speeches were amazing, no cheese there, and I’m do Glad my darling mum was able to enjoy it. (at the time she’d had Alzheimer’s for years and since then had a stroke- and she was dancing all night!).
If marriage isn’t for you that’s absolutely fine, isn’t it great we live in a world of choice, but if you ever do think of it, just make it your own, don’t do traditional things if you dont like them, and most of all enjoy it. We had an absolute ball and 5 years later I always get a warm and happy feeling when I think of it.
loading...
Ugh. I do not have the bride gene, although I was a bride 5 years ago.
My ‘dream’ wedding was to elope, preferably somewhere tacky and cheap where I could have a laugh as I said my ‘I do’s.’
To appease my parents, I did not do this. My husband was not into the big wedding either. Our parents and siblings attended. That was it.
I can’t fathom spending loads of money on one day. And I do not enjoy being the center of attention, either. Marriage should be fun, why not start it right without all the stressful details of wedding planning, inviting many people out of obligation, and watching your savings disappear?
If I could marry again, I would have eloped.
loading...
My partner gets asked all the time as everyone assumes he is ‘dragging his heels’. He always answers that he isn’t sure I am the one. It’s perfect as I am normally there and people get incredibly uncomfortable and don’t know what to say assuming that this is news to me and I will be hurt. Actually we are really solid and have two small children, just haven’t prioritized a wedding.
loading...
Oh, and if they do ask me I just say I’ll do it for the bling. They never know how to respond to this either. Guess there are a whole heap of people out their thinking I am shallow and he is waiting for a better offer!!
loading...
My partner must have a similar sense of humor… Lol. We were asked recently by a stranger if we were a couple, and he replied ‘nah, her parents pay me to hang around’ …. The poor guy didn’t know what to say. I just laughed.
loading...
I was like this. My partner and I were constantly asked about when we were getting married. We had been together for nine years but I just wasn’t interested in the whole wedding process. However after we had a baby I wanted the same name as the two of them so we tied the knot. We had a really low key wedding with the service in a chapel and a high tea reception with only about 30 people in attendance. I did everything myself (and really enjoyed it!). The day cost us no more than $5000 and we had a fabulous day. It was fabulous because it was exactly what we wanted and it was our style and we didn’t blow a huge sum of money on it. I think weddings had always scared me a bit because of the preasure to please everyone. In the end we decided to please only ourselves and everyone else could just deal with it and it was fabulous!!!
loading...
Although marriage doesn’t determine the value of a relationship, it is important that all couples have this option. To me the most important element to discuss here is the absence of marriage equality in Australia and therefore my reason for chossong not to be married unless this changes. I simply don’t want be part of something that excludes so many people and I urge other hetrosexual couples to take this same stance.
loading...
I’m 26 and I could have written this post. I have been together with my partner for 5 years and we plan to be together for life. It’s offensive when people suggest that our relationship is less legitimate or that there is something wrong or missing because we choose not to get married.
Recently a mutual acquaintance asked my partner, “So when are you going to make an honest woman of her?” It was said jokingly, but seriously?! That has got to be the most offensive way to ask the marriage question. And it implies that I’m sitting around desperately waiting to be proposed to – so not the case!
loading...
Spot on. I’m nearly 27 & feel the same. I also feel guilty about it at times.
Help…
loading...
I too am missing the bride gene but I have a massive wedding dress gene. I LOVE shows like ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ etc etc but have absolutely no inclination to wear one myself. My ‘partner’ (vomit to that word) and I have been together for 15 years this year, have 3 boys (13, 8, 3), have 2 modest houses in the country town we live in and have no desire to be married. I always tell people the only way I will get married is in Vegas with Elvis officiating!!!
loading...
Not only am I missing the “bride” gene, I’m missing the marriage gene and the baby gene. Personally I have never had any interest in getting married or having kids and it’s something that some people have trouble dealing with. My friends and family are fine but well other people you don’t care your biological clock is ticking or that you never want to get married and they look at you like you have three heads or that you’ve just told them you like to kill kittens in your spare time.
I’ve never believed in marriage (a totally separate argument but I juts find it an archaic institution.I just don’t believe that men and women are meant to co habitat for long term periods.) and I certainly don’t expect a marriage and kids would immediately fulfil my entire existence.
That entirely aside, you certainly not alone in your thoughts. I feel many people of our generation are aware that with rising divorce rates and a difficult economy, it’s hardly worth spending $30,000 + on a single day. It’s a house deposit, an amazing holiday, a brand new car or two used cars. (perhaps with change)
loading...
Oh gosh I so could have just written that. I don’t have the bride / marriage gene but I don’t have the baby gene either and people just do not understand. I have been like this since I was 14 or so, as long as I can remember anyway, why do people think there is something wrong with me????
loading...
My now hubby and I had 2 kids before we got married. When I got pregnant with the first people use to ask us when are we going to get married. Our standard response was “let us have the kids first, marriage is such a big step and we want to see how the kids go”. It shut them up very time.
When we finally did get married, I wore a white dress and he a tux but other than that is was just a massive party with all out friends and family. No traditional wedding stress.
loading...
When we were younger and our friends started getting married we definitely felt the pressure. We even bought the ring but could never bring ourselves to spend the money or more to the point stand in front of everyone with all eyes on us. The older i get the less important it becomes. After 20 great years together I don’t want to spoil what we have with a wedding although I know our kids would love it.
loading...
At almost 27 I have been living with my partner for 7 years. We have discussed the idea of marriage in great detail, and although it is something he is open to, I just can’t get my head around it. Fortunately my partner is very supportive, and the main thing is that we love each other and will provide a happy home for our future children.
It isn’t the money and it isn’t religion. Living in the modern world that we do, where individuals have more rights than ever, I can’t see why a piece of paper has so much importance placed on it (especially when it doesn’t guarantee a happy partnership).
However, given that a man & a man, or a woman & a woman, can’t be joined by the same piece of paper, perhaps we don’t live in such a modern world after all…
loading...
Me and my husband had a wedding that only cost less then 10 grand and it was a beautiful day all round
loading...
When my boyfriend & i get married our priority is to have all members of both family present, which means flying all his family here from Fiji. I definitely have the bride gene but it is more important to me to have his family there as well as mine so it can be a joyous, loving & happy occasion for the both of us
loading...
Yes, this could be me talking! Mind you my mum is the one who still (after 18 years with my partner and two kids) still bangs on about it! She is one determined lady!! It is also hard to explain your reasons without sounding judgy. It have reiterate again and again that it is just not for me!
loading...
No bride genes here either!
My partner and I have been together 7 years with now 1 child.
Asides from the ‘when’s the next kid’ question, I’m also dodging the marriage ones.
I answer (politely) none of your business to each. Firstly I don’t want to justify my choices in only having 1 child, and secondly, my relationship does not, and should not be any of your business!
In saying that, have a family holiday planned in 3 months and we are tying the knot in Bali. Myself hubby and child will be present, in a no frills beach spectacular. Nobody knows, no one can comment. Can’t wait
)
loading...
I had the bride gene. We had a lovely (and average/expensive) wedding. It was a beautiful day and i have beautiful memories, beautiful photos and a lovely video to remember it all. I am still very happily married with 2 lovely sons and another bubba on the way.
It’s very judgmental to say that people who want the whole wedding thing are not as committed, or just want attention, or that the marriage part isn’t important.
Maybe we ‘bride gene’ people just like all the trimmings and can actually love and value the person they are marrying as much as the next person – in whatever way they chose to live their lives and spend their money.
loading...
Totally agree Elizabeth
we have got so so many: “that’s a house deposit” or “that’s a new car” and it drove us mad. We work hard to earn what we do and we will also spend it how we wish 
I would say I have the bride gene- but surprisingly, my fiancé had the groom gene a lot more then I!!
loading...
Wait til you buy a house! Then the questions go up a notch. My aunty has given up on marriage and keeps asking me about a baby. Feck off! Bless my Nonna and Nan who have the manners not to ask.
loading...
Veering off topic a bit, but why does good taste go out the window when it comes to so many weddings? Previously stylish people I know suddenly have tuck shop arms on show (it’s not the arms I object to, it’s the unflattering dress,) too-small bodices with double-boob, tight shiny satin, matchy matchy shoes, hooker bridesmaids’ dresses, lurid pink/purple/blue make-up, naff matchy polyester ties…It’s all so tacky!
loading...
How funny – this is exactly how I feel, except I’m in the middle of planning a wedding! Getting married has always been about the marriage for me, not one day in a puffy dress, and so our budget is going towards our honeymoon, not a reception. We’re getting hitched at the registry office, with a picnic in the gardens to follow, which means we can invite everyone we want and have a lovely relaxed afternoon. No photographer, no bridesmaids, and my dress was under $150 and from a chain women’s store. I’m trying to stay as true to myself and my fiance as possible, and that means NOT spending $4000 on a dress! That’s going to our 5 star resort holiday in Fiji instead
I can’t wait!
loading...
Sounds sensible! Have fun in Fiji!
loading...
Galleries still not working for me!
I don’t think I had the ‘bride’ gene but I was very happy to get married. I also didn’t care about all those things like place settings, bridesmaids outfits, we didn’t have cheesy speeches and we definitely didn’t dance the Nutbush!
Before we were engaged, we used to say that when we got married, we wanted to have a party with our friends and family. So when he did ask me, he gave me a ring (a fake one, the real one came later) he said something like ‘I want us to have a party and I want all the people we love to be there’. (I can’t actually remember the words verbatim… is that bad of me?!)
It was a fab celebration of our relationship and commitment to each other.
loading...
Buying a house together is commitment enough, and harder to get out of than a marriage.
Good for you for focusing on a house, travel and a career, instead of spending a ridiculous fortune on a wedding!
I married my husband after 8 years together, and about 4 years before that (from 18 to 22) were asked everytime we went somewhere when we would get engaged. It was horrible and confronting, especially as they would more often ask me, when I wasn’t the one required to pop the question and made me question if I was good enough for him! We had a budget wedding, it still makes me feel sick to think we spent $12k on one.
Travel, travel, travel and do everything at your pace. All the society expectation is horrible on couples.
loading...
AND the worst bit is about a year after the wedding. Questions on children are addressed, as ‘so WHY haven’t you had kids yet?’
People are so insensitive!
loading...
I recieved some sage advice in regards to responding to impertinent questions like ‘Why haven’t you had kids yet?!’
Just look down, and say very quietly, ‘Sometimes, it’s just hard for some people to get pregnant.’
…Which is, of course, true. And they will never bug you again.
Or you could screech, ‘None of your business, you old biddy!’ and give them a well desrved smack in the head.
loading...
My cousin got sick of this question and once responded to a very conservative woman who asked with “I don’t know how to make a baby, can you tell me and my husband how to do it?”
loading...
You could have always asked him
loading...
Definitely don’t have it. I understand why people want to have a wedding, but I barely understand why marrying someone is seen as necessary.
loading...
I know the feeling. My partner and I have been together for 5 years and have recently purchased a house and celebrated the birth of our son. Now everyone demands to know when ‘he’s going to put a ring on it’ . The thing is, we’re not that fussed. For us it came down to a choice between having a wedding or having IVF. We chose our son. We know we love each other and feel the choices we have made demonstrate that far better than a church ceremony and sit down dinner for 100.
loading...
At age 25 I have similar feelings. I get that marriage is important to some people but for me and my long-term relationship it isn’t.
Previous commenters have already mentioned their own feelings where ‘they felt the same way at that age, but it all changed when I met X or turned X’ and yes people do change their mind and that’s OK. But not everyone does change their mind, and that’s OK too. Outsiders to a relationship seem to enjoy throwing in ‘you’ll think differently one day’ and you get sick of hearing it or explaining your feelings after a while. Same thing with having children.
That being said my family (where my sister, mother and grandmothers were all married before my age) is very supportive and accepting of this which is great, my partner’s family I think are still living in hope!
loading...
A lot of it is commercial pressure that’s redefined what is expected. There’s now an industry devoted to weddings and they recruit customers aggressively.
This is probably not the forum, but there used to be a lot of questioning about whether all the emotional baggage that is loaded onto marriage is a good thing for your relationship. There were discussions about whether its actually better for women not to get married because they stand more of a chance of negotiating relationships that work for them, rather than signing up for all the traditional expectations of being a ‘wife’. None of that seems to happen in the mainstream anymore. It seems like the questions about marriage are limited to whether we’re having a $2000 wedding instead of a $20 000 one.
loading...
I’ve been engaged for 4 years and I love my partner so much and want to be his wife but the whole idea of an actually wedding we just cant deal with both our families are religious and we are not. So there is just too much expectation from everyone else. We just keep pushing it off the more people ask us when it is happening.
Other people should really just butt out we will tell them when we know.
loading...
Sorry for veering off-topic, but I think it’s pretty funny that in the slideshow of other weddings, half of these celbs are now divorced…!
loading...
I agree that being asked constantly “When are you going to get married?” is really rude and annoying! And if you do get married then all those people will start asking “When you are going to have a child?”
Men never get asked that question though. Well none that I know of anyway.
There are so many options now.
One option is to never get married. There’s no reason you have to get married and nothing wrong if you don’t. Plenty of couples live happily this way.
Another option is to not have a wedding. You can get married at the registry office or elope.
Or you could have a small, low key wedding.
I decided I wanted to have a wedding and married at the age of 30. But my partner and I chose to have a small, low key wedding, with only a few close friends and family. I didn’t stress for a second about any of the arrangements. We didn’t do a lot of traditional wedding things and that saved us time and money. For us the whole occasion was about getting married and celebrating the way we wanted to celebrate. We both had a ball both in the lead up the wedding and on the wedding day. And what surprised me was that so many people told us it was the best wedding they had ever been to, and we even had people saying they wish their wedding had been as good as ours.
I think too many people stress about the whole occasion and try and do what others want and expect. But it’s YOUR day. It’s YOUR decision. If you don’t want to get married, don’t. If you do want to get married do. If you want a certain type of wedding then do that.
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, because at the end of the day YOU are the one who has to live with the decision and be happy with the occasion.
loading...
I have a couple of male friends who after being single for a while got the ‘are you gay’ from their mothers instead!
loading...
Oh yeah you reminded me that I know a guy who is still single and almost 40 so everyone assumes he’s gay.
loading...
I don’t have the bride gene, but I know I desperately want to be married to the man I love. He feels the same about me. We’re not religious, but we really like the idea of being able to make the ultimate legal commitment to each other – even if it is ‘just a bit of paper
‘. We also feel lucky that we’re able to, unlike some of our gay friends and family.
I’m not saying that if you’re in love and straight you’re therefore obliged to go through with it – just that you don’t have to be wedding obsessed to do it if the idea of being married appeals to you at all.
We’re getting married at the ripe old age of 22/23 later this year (been together since early highschool) and we’re managing to do it at a beautiful winery for 6k all up.
We made our own invitations, we’re not having a bridal party and he’s wearing a nice suit he already owns. I got the *perfect* dress off EBay for $100 and we’re only having our closest friends and family – 50 people all up. Friends and family are taking photos – we just want a few nice ones we can put in a frame here and there, we don’t like being the centre of attention and are not interested in a full glamour photo shoot.
If you are at all interested in being married at some point, you dont have to pore over bridal magazines or feign interest in colour themes.
We arranged everything within a week and are looking forward to a leisurely winery lunch where we exchange simple vows in front of our nearest and dearest and enjoy good wine. Plenty of people I know go to more of an effort for birthday celebrations!
loading...
That sounds lovely!
loading...
That sounds very similar to our wedding.
loading...
I was just having this conversation the other day. I do have the bride gene, I’m looking forward to the whole shebang when it comes along and I don’t think it will be that far away – after all I did post a picture of my dream wedding dress on here the other day. But my boyfriend and I are so sick of people asking when we are getting married. We just got back from Europe and no less than 4 people have grabbed my left hand “just to check”.
It is SO rude. Why is our timetable anyone else’s business than our own? I’m sure our wedding will be lovely, but the whole point of it is that we will be getting married, making a commitment to spend the rest of our lives together. People asking when you are going to make a lifechanging step like that is just plain rude.
loading...
I’m engaged, finally picked a reception, and while I’m happy to be marrying my partner, the wedding aspect is proving daunting. It’s a lot of pressure for one day.
loading...
You’re only 25!! Why is anyone asking you the marriage question anyway?
loading...
I was the same at your age too. There was no way on this planet I wanted to get married, have children or spend copious amounts of money on one night only.
However when I finally left the man of my nightmares and found the man of my dreams all that changed. When he asked me to marry him I couldn’t think of anything I would rather do more.
I couldn’t wait to be married to him and spent the rest of my life with him, have a family and be happy. Mind you this was 10 years later.
I do agree peope go overboard on weddings sometimes and it isn’t for everyone but you don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a fabulous wedding. We didn’t and we had the best 2 weeks of our lives celebrating our wedding in Thailand – I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I don’t know if there is a bride gene or not but I do think that everything changes when you find the right person. IT did for me anyway. This may not translate to marriage but it may translate to life partner or whatever you want to call it.
I love being married and honestly I never thought I would have ever said that. Maturity, life, experience and the right time and place can change everything in a heart beat.
loading...
Hi Fairy,
This isn’t a dig at you and I know that it’s not your intent in your post but I do find it offensive when people imply that I don’t want to get married because I haven’t met the right person yet. I feel offended and I feel offended on my partner’s behalf.
I don’t think it’s fair and I think it completely devalues all those unmarried couples out there (who love each other more than life) that have lasted longer than some married couples.
It’s true that for some people, your situation is completely relevant and meeting that right person changes the way they think and that’s great!!
I’m not sure how to finish this off now but glad that everything worked out for the best for you!
loading...
I agree Miss V. What changed for me when I met the man of my dreams (my boyfriend) was that I suddenly understood why people might actually want to be with someone ‘forever’…. what didn’t change is the desire for a big wedding, I still don’t really want one but can definitely understand why others might.
loading...
Like Miss V said, I too feel offended by your comment. There are couples out there who are together, unmarried for one reason or another, not because they don’t believe they are with the right person. In fact they have made a commitment as good as any marriage and they can walk away any minute (possibly easier than a marriage legally) but don’t because it really isn’t abt that piece of paper. I know for my partner n I who have been together for 5 yrs it’s abt finances because while we don’t want a big expensive wedding I still want a nice wedding w our closest and a nice dress which means it might cost us 10k- both being students up untill this year when I finish study 10k is A LOT still!!
I can’t wait to marry him and he can’t wait either but we both kno that being married is doesn’t jus making u happy. Ur relationship stays as it is, u may ge happier but that’s not because of a piece of paper!!
loading...
Not only are their couples out there who don’t want to get married, there are single men and women who never want to get married too! I’m one of them and it isn’t because I haven’t met the right person yet. I get this constantly and find it quite condescending .
loading...
I was the same at your age. But I did the wedding thing to please my husband. His mum insisted on it being a certain way and not caring I let her do it. It wasn’t a big deal and it made the relo’s my husband and friends happy. And I even had fun!
loading...
I think that’s very kind of you
loading...
Let’s remember that many couples in Australia are still denied the right to choose whether or not to marry. I think it’s an issue that needs to be remembered when we’re having conversations like this one.
loading...
Alexis, there’s no reason why you have to have a white wedding.
If you get married, you can have a non-traditional wedding and create a day that means something to you and your partner.
Or you can not get married at all.
Chillax, girl. Just because other people have trouble thinking outside the box doesn’t mean you have to succumb to their pressure.
loading...
Yeah, too bad everyone who wants to have a traditional wedding can’t “think outside the box”. Sheesh.
loading...
… I said the exact same thing at 26. I also was frequently heard to say ‘I hate kids’. Fast forward 8 years, I’m sitting on the couch with my 4 week old daughter blissfully asleep on my chest, 15 months after my wedding, which was undoubtedly the best night of my life.
I needed those 7 extra years to build my career (which I haven’t let go of btw), travel unencumbered by prams and nappies, and decide that the man I met at 26 was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
So don’t rule anything out just yet… Sometimes its just a matter of ‘not right now’, not ‘never’.
loading...
When my partner and I get married, nothing in our relationship will change. We own a house together, we have pets, we have the same goals and values, we have plans, we are committed. So when we get married, the big thing will be the wedding and celebrating with all our friends and family. Whether it be a $1000 party at home or a $50,000 extravaganza at a fancy venue. What is wrong with that? How often can you say to your friends and family come here and have food, wine, a great night and make some memories! You might do it regularly with some circles but this is one of the few times every loved one will be in the same room. I’m all for alternate points of view and understand valuing other things more, eg I would prefer a $20k holiday to a wedding but I would prefer a $20k wedding to a $20k car. And I did like the article
but a) I would love to read an article about a big fabulous wedding and b) I feel a lot of commenters who chose to have a small wedding or none at all tend to say that if you want to have a big wedding and spend the money then you are less in love with and less committed to your partner which simply isn’t true. When I have a birthday I don’t just sit and reflect on the year to come, I celebrate! With family and friends! I celebrate the time that has past and the time that is yet to come. Why should I not Want to do that for my relationship and marriage? 
oh and I think when people are asking when you are getting married they aren’t asking ‘are you going to spend $100k?!’, they are just asking if you are going to get married! 
loading...
Totally agree
loading...
Hurray I’m not the only one lol. And just thought of another one, not sure how being focussed on your career is a reason to not want to get married? It’s not the 50s, we aren’t expected to give up work when wed?
loading...
I think it’s more about what she is choosing to direct her focus to at this time. If you’re focussed on climbing the ladder in a demanding career then planning even a small wedding can be very difficult, I’ve seen many brides-to-be stressing over the juggling act of a career and wedding planning over the years. Not to mention the distraction the thought of planning to spend the rest of your life with someone might be when you really should be working towards that promotion (or whatever).
loading...
Oh ok, good point I guess! I would probably work harder and longer hours if I didn’t have someone at home waiting. Though the author still has a long term boyfriend by the sounds of things. Thanks for the reply
was genuinely curious by what she meant.
loading...
Ladylaura, I completely agree. I’m getting married in November & we plan on it being one big celebration! We’re having a big wedding, and with the cost of things adding up, getting towards an expensive one. But at this stage in our lives (finished studying, paying off our first house, no kids yet) there is nothing that we would rather spend our money on than spending a day/night celebrating with all our famly & friends in the same place. This might not be a very popular view (which is totally fine), but our wedding day will be about the wedding – we’ve got the rest of our lives to worry about the marriage.
loading...