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by ANONYMOUS
Dear God, It’s happening. I am nearly 28, and not married.
No, I am not a single, independent, childless woman. I am in a relationship with a man I love immensely, who doesn’t want to marry me.
We have all the characteristics of a family enjoying married life. We have been together for nearly six years, we have a child and share finances.
But the niggling won’t go away.
I have dreamed about getting married ever since I had my first crush. What the fuck does ‘not believing in marriage’ mean anyway?
Is it because I find it hilarious to fart in bed and air the doona? Sure, yes it is childish.
Please Kasey Chambers, get out of my head! I am sure I’m not pretty enough, I am probably too outspoken and yes, I think I cry too much.
I am good enough to bear his child, but just not good enough to marry?
Just not this Mamamia reader.
So people say I should give him ‘the’ ultimatum. I can’t. I know he loves me, I know he would give in. Then; do I spend the rest of my married life knowing he was forced into it? On the other hand, I can’t go on resenting him either. I am not going to leave, the thought of spending my life without the man I love is too much to bear. I would rather have him than a certificate.
But the niggling won’t go away.
Recently I was watching Home and Away (yes, I am shockingly addicted) and found myself wishing Roo would slip in some mud and ruin her dress. I find myself thinking about it with most brides. It’s terrible, I know. I hope for a downpour to ruin their day. I hope a dog lifts its leg on the bride and she either has to change out of her dream dress or spend her entire wedding stinking of piss. I hope the car breaks down and she doesn’t make it to the church on time. It’s terrible isn’t it? It is jealousy, pure jealousy.
Sometimes, I get out my Grandmother’s ring she gave me, and flip it over, so the jewel is inside the hand. Then, I walk around the shop like I was married.
I think I need to be hospitalised.
When I can get away with it, I give my partner’s last name as my own, even if it’s just so my last name matches my daughter’s. I wonder if they think, “Oh, look at that happily married couple.” Of course they don’t, how ridiculous. I can be idiotic.
We have been together six years, I think our ‘honeymoon’ period is over. I seriously doubt he is going to get less sex than he does now.
But the niggling won’t go away.
I don’t waltz into bridal stores and try on dresses, no, that would be crazy. Instead I avoid them like the plague… Because I am afraid I would go in and try on a dress. Have the shop assistant tell me how beautiful I look. She would ask how long we have been together, ah yes, that would be nice. Fantasies.
I don’t want a big wedding. Screw the marquee, the reception hall and the 10 Bridesmaids. Give me one in the backyard, you know; the big party in the garage with a few balloons and broken deck chairs. The one where I say I insisted on a ‘buffet’ style reception because I was too damn stingy to hire tables. The party where Uncle Fred gets pissed on the free VB and tries to chat up his sister. The one where I say the catering company cancelled because I really just like the taste of a good ol’ Aussie BBQ.
But no, no day, no wedding and no free VB for Uncle Fred. Just me, unmarried me. Gloriously happy because I have the man I love and a beautiful little girl. Yet, intensely unhappy because I don’t have a husband.
But the niggling won’t go away…
This post was written by a Mamamia reader who wished to remain anonymous.
What advice would you give? What would you do if this was you?
Comments
262 Comments so far
Marriage – or even the idea of marriage – brings with it all kinds of different expectations for different people. Perhaps your partner is anxious the relationship will change if you get married. Or perhaps he really does not see the point in getting married or even objects to it on moral grounds. Either way, I think you need to talk to him, but be prepared first. Really think about the reasons you want to get married and what you expect from the relationship once you are married. Then explain it to him (do not do this when you have just had/are having a fight about marriage/where the relationship is headed) and give him time to give you a considered response. Contrary to what many of us are told or pick up on as we grow up, wanting to get married is not the natural or default position. Marriage is an institution we have created to support the belief that the family unit is the most stable and fulfilling lifestyle choice. That does not mean marriage is bad, but it is not inherently good either. It is a choice like any other and it seems reasonable to me that you and your partner would have specific reasons for wanting to get married or not. Since you are happy in your relationship and family it doesn’t seem to me that you and your partner have wildly different or incompatible expectations of your relationship. I really think talking about your and his specific needs might help you come to a compromise that suits you both. I don’t think you can expect to get absolutely everything you want in a relationship with another person but if marriage really is important to you there must be a way to work something out that works for both of you.
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i try to post frequently but it gets eaten up. I’ll try to keep it short in case it DOES get posted. BUt long enough I can make my point.
I’m getting married in April this year – it will be our 10yr anniversary. Thats not supposed to be ‘ha ha look im getting married’
it took us TEN years to get here.
My partner doesn’t ‘believe’ in marriage. He doesn’t think we need a piece of paper to prove he loves me. He doesn’t think we ‘need’ to get married.
For the first 3 years I never spoke of marriage or kids for fear I’d scare him away. Then i wasn’t sure what the ‘future held’ because we didn’t talk about it – then in a girl fashion i laid down an ‘ultimatum’ i wouldn’t ask any questions until I was 28 – but at that point I’d be asking about kids and marriage and he better have thought about it and have an answer.
Ladies, I turned 28 last year and he proposed about the same time – we’d spoken about the whole thing YEARS before I turned 28 – cause turned out he was desperate to have little babies. And my one reason to get married was to have the same last name as my little family….And i also faced the ‘looks’ people gave me when they discovered we had been together 9 yrs and not married – it was a pity look. It upset me.
I held out getting pregnant for a ring….it was the principle, commitment to getting married was important for me & kids were important for him (& i was scared to have kids)…we are getting married in April and expecting our first child in September (all going well as its very early). We agreed there were parts of these things that are important to both of us and we love each other enough to compromise.
He proposed & i agreed to go off the pill and that we didn’t have to get married before kids…but that the proposal was enough for me to be convinced he wanted to marry me. All was happy.
Then he mentioned how nice it would be to get married for our 10 yr anniversary – 5 months to plan. Then i found out I’m pregnant, 3 months before the wedding….
it happens if its RIGHT – if you have to force it, it isn’t RIGHT for the both of you.
If someone has a baby with someone then you’d think you’d know if your RIGHT for each other…if getting married is important to one half of the RIGHT couple….wouldn’t you meet each other half way??
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wow, I am (almost) in the same situation. I’m turning 28 in less than a month and have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. He always tells me he wants to get engaged but “obstacles” keep getting in the way. He wont even give me a child….I am so depressed I can’t take it anymore. I feel like I am going to get too old to bare children and THEN he will propose. Maybe that’s just me thinking crazy. I use to me so pretty….I was a flippin bikini model!!! Now I feel so insecure and hate the way I look, it must be my looks right? Why else would I be unmarried/not engaged/childless at 28? SIIIIIGH lol
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One little secret that men won’t tell you. If we’re still in love we see our partners being as beautiful as when we first met them. Some guys use this as a reason for wanting to get involved with a girl while she’s a bit younger.
The guy gets to spend time with the girl during some of the most attractive years of her life and the girl gets a guy who will see her as that beautiful for as long as they’re together.
There’s hard limits to this (put down the tim tams), but it generally holds true. It’s also why guys are more reluctant to get involved with women past their prime because you don’t get those most attractive years to cement a ‘rose coloured’ image in your mind wrt her looks.
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Anon, I am absolutely empathetic…have been with my partner for 4 years, no proposal, and barely a word on the subject of marriage… I’m way too scared to ask!! Hope it happens for you, ditto for me.
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I DARE you to ask. Just dress up a bit, head for a nice dinner and put it to him
Go on! I’m barracking for you to do it!
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I’m pretty sure I’m you, or you’re me. Either way I can so relate! Same age, same situation (+ one more kid)…..bizarre. Completely understand. Huge hugs xx
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The heart wants what the heart wants. I feel for you. Maybe let him read your post, because he may not realise how important this is to you.
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Forgive me if it’s already been said but… have you considered proposing to him?
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Back before I was born, Weddings used to mean something, Husbands and Wives were committed to each other for life and men and women of the day stayed together through thick and thin until the day they were put in the ground. Weddings used to acknowledge a committment to a life together and that the man and woman could now…at long last…make love as a virgin bride and groom. There was no adultery (cheating), the thought never crossed their minds due to decency and moral upbringing by strict parenting and hard line schooling. The brilliant white dress was designed to represent virginity, a woman that had saved herself for the one true love of her life, not all the scum bags she met on the way!!! and the man, also a virgin due to being out of wedlock. Today, a wedding is pointless, everybody has fucked everybody and had kids to 3 different men or women before they were even 22 years of age. If you are living in harmony with each other and your kids, what is signing a piece of paper going to do haha
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Woah! Hold up on the rant about this generation (I’m 20)- the median age for having children in Australia now is 28. Not that no one has kids before 22, but it’s uncommon. ‘Everyone fucking everyone’ doesn’t necessary lead to kids- that’s what contraception is for! A little less judging, hmm?
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actually my sis in law has 2 kids to 2 fathers and she is 24…..
my other friend has 2 kids to 2 fathers and she would have been mid-twenties by that stage….
but they are both idiots…..
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Personally, I have never had any desire to get married (at 40, with 2 kids to partner of 8 years), but for some strange reason I understand the sentiment. I don’t know the answer, some people just seem to need to do it. But good luck anonymous. I hope it happens for you.
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You’re fretting over the wedding, not the marriage.
It’s a common mistake, to make the wedding the entire focus but forget about the marriage. Too many couples spend oodles on the wedding and have no thoughts at all about the marriage.
You have the marriage, and you say it’s good.
Why are you obsessing over one day that doesn’t really change the marriage?
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I get it. I’d like to get married one day too. I’m ok without it. Our relationship is very good and I love my man. But I want to have a ceremony, I want my family & friends to be there and I want a pretty dress ☺
I’m not at your level of wishing people harm and I would never ever give an ultimatum, I would hate to force anyone into marriage, but I understand the dream.
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I don’t understand why you can’t discuss this. It’s obviously really important to you. And marriage isn’t “just a piece of paper”. It’s a commitment two people make to be together and love each other, usually in front of everyone they care about. To me, that promise is a big deal. The feminist in me thinks you should talk about it as equals, the same as you do buying a house or moving in together. Why don’t you ask him? I can’t think of anything nicer than starting a conversation with “I love and would like to spend the rest of our lives together”. Unless you don’t and the wedding is the only thing you’re hanging out for…
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And if their argument to not getting married is “because it’s just a piece of paper”, well if it’s just a piece of paper to them, where’s the harm in signing it if it’ll make your other half so happy??
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Nowhere in this piece do you give a single reason for why you want to be married. Not one. The closest you come is saying you’ve just ‘dreamed of it since your first crush’. Isn’t that telling? You’ve got a fantasy of marriage that just isn’t true.
I have to say, I got married because it makes my life with immigration easier (my husband’s a Brit), and I resent having to do it! Even though I love my husband dearly and we plan on sticking together, it’s not a nice feeling being forced to do something you’d rather not. And then have everyone else assign their own meanings to it. Nobody understands why we did it. So I understand that when you’re in a situation you don’t want to be in, it’s upsetting. But I think you need to look long and hard at what you think marriage will bring to your life. Because honestly, I think if you’d grown up a generation or two later, you would not have these marriage fantasies.
And I don’t understand why your child would have your partner’s name, if you’re not married?
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Enjoy the relationship.
Forget the notion that marriage somehow changes things or makes your more of a woman.
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I’ll preface this by saying I haven’t read *all* the comments, so apologies if I am doubling up on what other people have said.
Having said that.. wow.. really? Advising to give him an ultimation?
Seriously, grow up.
I’ve been with my partner a few years, no desire to get married (I’m 25 if that matters) and neither does he. If I changed my mind he’d probably propose, we’d get married. We don’t have kids, we will start trying in a few years. I feel completely secure with my other half. As for comments saying that you didn’t feel secure until marriage – a ring on the finger won’t keep the dog on the porch, if you get what I’m saying.
I think a lot of females are just fixated on the “pretty dress / centre of attention” thing. I’ve been to a lot of weddings which have been, let’s face it, all about the bride. The husband is just there because, well, it’s not a wedding without one.
I’d say wishing physical harm on women who are getting married is probably a sign your obsession is unhealthy and (I say this with kindness) perhaps you may need some help.
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I think you have missed the point . She is not happy merely having a partner. She wants him to be her husband. Whether we like it or not, a married couple with children is the socially acceptable family unit. Many people still dont approve of defacto couples having children.
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Well, if marriage is that important, maybe she should have thought about it before having kids.
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I am sure that she did think about it – but he wasn’t into it!
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You poor thing, it sounds like there’s a lot going on and you have a lot of anxiety based on what is at the end of the day the social pressure to get married. Firstly I would maybe spend some time thinking about what you really want and why you feel this way and how to separate your own disappointment from the ability to be happy for others. I’d also get clear in my head exactly why I want to get married, to this person at this time.
As for the marriage thing, if it were me, I’d have a chat with my partner and say something about how being married is important to you and you’d like to make it official and give your reasons. I’d then reinforce that it’s not about a fancy wedding, you’d be more than happy to go to the registry office. It’s okay to ask for what you want. And it’s okay to want to be married even if it’s ‘just social pressure’ or ‘just convention’. There’s nothing wrong with wanting an official commitment.
But if he is still insistent, I guess it’s time to think seriously about the relationship and if it really is the right thing, despite the comfort and security.
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You are complete now, and would not be any more complete if you were married. Seriously.
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Be a woman of your own accord and don’t buy into mainstream pressure.
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Not being married makes you “intensely unhappy”? That “niggling” sounds like an old friend called “insecurity”. Wise up woman. You need to seek happiness in other places, like perhaps, say, your child?!
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Yes, because if you have children then you are not allowed to be unhappy, insecure or dissatisfied. Que?
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“I don’t try on dresses, that would be crazy. But I do WISH PHYSICAL HARM on those that have what I want and can’t have”.
O_O
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Just wondering from someone who has gone through this before, if you are not married, or are married but have different surnames, how do you decide which name you will give you kids? Or whether to go double-barrelled? I have often wondered whether this is an emotional issue for the parent whose name is not given to the children – and from the comments below, wanting to have the same name seems a very common desire.
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My near 2 year old is a winger.
The discipline thing I can do, he’s a pretty good kid and more often than not, he’ll do what’s asked of him.
I lose the plot and start yelling at his constant winging! It’s like nails on a chalk board.
And unfortunately it works and shuts him up, which makes me do it.
Anyone got any tips?!
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Anita I think you might have meant to comment on the kids discipline post!
But I know what you mean about the whinging … I used to tell the kids that I wasn’t listening to anything if it was said in that tone of voice, and then rephrase it in a calm way and tell them I would listen if they said that.
It took ages to get them out of the habit though, I don’t know if there are quicker and more effective ways?
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Yep, I had a bit of a Technibimbo moment there!
Thanks Distracted, I’ll be doing this. Even though he’s 2, the earlier I start the better!
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Ha ha, ‘technibimbo moment’ … that will be stolen for future use
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Having not read all of the 198 comments (lack of time today), I’ll tell my story.
I was in EXACTLY the same frame of mind. I remember furiously pegging out the washing thinking why the f* am I good enough to wash his f*g underwear, but not good enough to marry. (Many expletives were in my head, a lot of the time). Every birthday/Valentine’s Day/Xmas/other people’s weddings I would quietly hope for a proposal but none ever came. So one day when we were together 5 years already, had bought a house together, had 1 miscarriage, & were 5 mths pregnant with our daughter, I decided that he just wasn’t going to do it & I’d have to grow a pair & tell him I wanted it. So one evening we were laying in bed and I took a massively deep breath & said “I’d really like to be married before this baby comes”. Then there was a silence that felt like 10 years which was probably only 10 seconds, and he said “Yeah, OK”. We were married 10 weeks later. Now I still have never received a proposal, & I did all my own choosing of the ring, etc, but I got what I really wanted which was his public declaration of his love for me in front of our friends and family. AT LAST!!!! Plus all the other good stuff of saying husband instead of partner, etc, which might be stupid, but it’s what I really wanted.
On our wedding night I asked him: “Would you have proposed if I didnt?” And he said: “No. Things were fine the way they were”. So after all that time I finally got an insight into what he’d been thinking – or not thinking! (I’ve since realised he has Asperger’s, so talking about feelings is not his strong point). At that point I could’ve ruined our wedding night by getting huffy & disappointed that I didn’t get a proposal, but instead I chose to focus on the end result.
They’re not mind readers, & might not realise that it’s really important to you. He might think it’ll be way too expensive, & fears the expense, or not being able to afford what he thinks you’d want – which would make any man feel anxious. He might think everything’s perfectly fine just the way it is & he’s already completely happy. You won’t be able to drag him to the altar if he doesn’t want to go there, but signing a piece of paper in a low-key way is something he might do for you if he knows it would make you happy. Then it’s your choice whether to focus on the drawn-out process, or the end result.
Good luck!!
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You could have proposed to him in a more romantic way than that!
Why is it a man’s responsibility to ask?
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Frankly, once you have had a child / children, the horse has bolted and you lose your bargaining power, because what are your options? Walk away, split up the family?
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BARGAINING POWER?!
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Yes, bargaining power, in that they are no different pages, wanting differnt outcomes on a serious issue. She will have to make her case. You may not like it, but it is a reality.
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I wish anonymous all the very best in her relationship whether she is married on not. What I’ve learnt is that no two relationships are the same so I’m not going proffer advice and anonymous will end up doing what is best for her. I can say that I understand Anonymous and don’t think she should be criticized for wanting to get married.
What I would like to point out however is that most of us are lucky to be able to participate in this debate including me as a heterosexual married woman.
Now imagine instead that Anonymous couldn’t even have this conversation with her partner because the government told her that she couldn’t get married. Imagine we couldn’t have this debate on mamma mia. That is exactly what our gay population faces. They never get given the choice to have this debate regardless of what grounds it is on e.g get married for the children, get married to celebrate commitment, get married for religious reasons. So spare a thought for this part of our population!
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I’m really shocked at the amount of people on this topic that think dishing out ultimatums is going to be a positive experience on their relationship!
I can assure you if an ultimatum was dished out to me instead of a rational, point driven talk it wouldn’t be the outcome you had hoped to manipulate out of me… very childish indeed!
I think some people here might need to work on those conversation skills & maturity before thinking about getting married. Using ultimatums, empty threats & emotional blackmail.. pfft pathetic!
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Some people just aren’t into marriage. If the love and commitment is there from him and from you, that should be enough.
The sex thing sounds like a big problem though, and I wonder if part of his reason is that he’s worried you guys will rarely if ever have sex. He may not want to sign his life away to such a situation.
Have you discussed all this with him???
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Haven’t read through all the comments, so not sure if its already been said. But I was in the same situation, we’d been together for 9 years. I wanted to be married, he couldn’t see the point. I was 6 months pregnant with our combined first child (I had a child already from a previous relationship that my partner has taken on the full fathering duties for, so we’d been a family for YEARS) I sat him down one day and said “give me one good reason NOT to get married” couldnt’ come up with anything other than financial… I wasn’t interested in a wedding, but I wanted to be married. So we did a registry office marriage, we had our best friends as our witnesses and it was done. We’ve been married for 3 years now, have three kids altogether and I love having the same last name as my younger two kids. Absolutely nothing is different in our relationship, but I like the feel of the ring, I like the idea that he’s my husband and not my “partner”. I’m so glad we did it.
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Your choice of language says a lot. “Intensely unhappy because I don’t have a husband”. “Not good enough to marry”.
It’s also interesting that you state that you seriously doubt that he could get less sex than he’s getting now. These don’t sound like niggles to me, it’s obviously affecting your self esteem and your relationship.
I think you need to be honest with your man. Let him know that you want the security and validation of marriage, not the wedding. I know you don’t want him to be forced into marriage but you don’t want to be forced into a long term situation which doesn’t meet your needs either.
I love being married. I’ve been contracting for the last year, I’ve just been offered a permanent role and I’m really excited. I much prefer owning my home to renting. Security is really important to me and it sounds like it’s important to you. There’s nothing crazy or unreasonable about that.
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My hubby felt the same way so I sat down and explained why it was so important to me, he reasoned that how could he take something that meant so much away, we got married and now he 100% believes in it.
However in saying that we didn’t have children and I refused to until I got married, i refused to allow him to drive, make decisions about my car, i refused to buy a house with him, I feel woman give in to easy and why would a man want up get married when they already have everything else with you there’s no motivation anymore. How is it fair you have a different last name to your children, how is it fair that you feel this way, if you feel so strongly about this you should say something.
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If they have everything what is marriage going to add?
There are a number of solutions to the last name “issue” ( which isn’t dependant on marriage anyway).
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Although I feel the same as the article’s author, I can’t think of an answer to your question Joey.
You’ve got me thinking there!
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“Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free” as my old nanna used to say. Outdated as it appears, there is truth in that saying…..
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I find this saying deeply insulting, as someone who is living in a de facto relationship. I am not a cow and sex is not milk, which is sold or given away. I am an equal partner including as far as sex goes.
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I don’t think milk means sex these dayss – it used to. It has evolved and I think it means other benefits of marriage that they are getting without actual marriage.
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So the milk reference has evolved? How about the buying of the cow bit? Has that evolved too?
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Milk= a partner, children, house: a life together.
Buying the cow= getting married.
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Brilliant!
I think we dismiss the sayings of our elderly as merelynold wives tales. Sure enough they mostly are pretty wise.
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Yeah, but “why buy the bull” either? (Now, I wonder why that isnt a saying.) I’m a woman. Been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Don’t want to get married. Don’t see what it doing so has to offer US that WE don’t already have.
PS I am not a cow to be bought, nor my boyfriend.
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It is not literal, it is metaphorical. I think we all realise you’re not typing with hooves! The buying part isn’t about money changing hands (or hooves) either – it’s about making a formal commitment on some level. That’s all.
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My grandfather said the same thing upon learning I was (horror!) living with my boyfriend before marriage.
Regardless of whether the meaning has evolved or not, it’s insulting to suggest there is anything I give my partner that somehow lessens my value to him.
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How about this for a compromise:
Get married when you are older, say 40 or 50.
I don’t know how old you are now, but probably by this age your child/ren will be old enough to particpate in the wedding, and have a great time too. Your parents will hopefully still be around to celebrate the wedding. Having had more time to work and save, the financial strain of a wedding won’t be so hard, and you can splash out a little more. It will celebrate the years you’ve been together in the past, as well as the rest of your future together. As it’s a while away, your partner has a long time to adjust to the idea..and it gives you both something to look forward to
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I never had an interest in marriage. My partner proposed at 3, 5 & 12 years & each time I rejected the propsal. Now 20 years later & with our family completed I’m starting to rethink the whole marriage thing and that it might not be too bad…but I think we might elope…I feel a bit old at 37 too have the big white wedding!
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You could take a quiet trip to Fiji (for eg) & do it there, without the whole big white dress hoopla.
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My aunty got married at 42 in a country pub at 2pm on a saturday, wearing a white pants suit, and a blue lace camisole, her three adult daughter and his two sons were their only bridal party. They served light beer, soft drink and little portions of slice and cakes.
Do your own thing.
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well, i’ve given my bf an ultimatum too. we’ve been together 2 years, officially living together for 6 weeks….if we’re not engaged within th next year then i’ll be sad to end it, but it has to be done, i cannot be with someone who doesnt belive in marriage as I do. I’d prefer to be single then resent him… he was in a defacto relationship for 7 years bfore our relationsip….nuf said.
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2 years.. are you actually serious?
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Good for you! Dont waste your fertile years with a peter pan who doesnt want to grow up.
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OK I’m a very black/white person. I am too logical and not enough emotional so my comment may sound harsh. However.. here goes.
I’m baffled. You sound like you strongly believe in marriage and your partner strongly doesn’t. That is one of the underlying fundamentals humans do, and one of the most important ones in a relationship.
So how did one end up folding such a strong fundamental with no compromise? I can’t help but think.. Are you one of those people who get so blinded by love and can’t think rationally? Did you think everything would be ok once you have children.. because in reality marriage and children only amplify whatever issues you ignored prior..
I do believe a strong belief in whether to marry (or not) is as “impactful” as religious beliefs. Of course they can work but with enormous compromise and discipline.
I do hope the best for you, although I can’t help but think how could one end up in such difficult situation.. it’s not like you fall in love overnight (in case you do – it’s lust not love).
LASTLY.. maybe there’s a solution after all! Have you heard of the fairly new de-facto certificates (not in all state)? This could be the answer you’re looking for. This is what my partner & I have.
Good luck xoxo
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I always feel a bit sad (that’s not the right word but close enough) when I hear or read about women waiting on tenterhooks for a proposal, ‘I’ve been waiting for years’, or ‘ I hope he proposes on our holiday’. It’s as if it’s a gift that a man bestows on a woman rather than a well thought out agreement for 2 people to marry. Or maybe I just didn’t inherit athe romantic gene!
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I agree. Why does the man seem to have all of the power in this situation? And why do women let them?
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My now husband and I decided to get engaged, we had a discussion, it made sense and we went ahead. When we went to the shop to buy wedding rings, he sort of surprised me with an engagement ring (he suggested that I might like one), so I say that day he “proposed” but in reality, it was a combined decision.
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We had a decision proposal too! No grand gestures – we went for dinner and talked it over.
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An ultimatum is a sure fire way to end your relationship, but there are definitely other ways to help him “wake up” and marry you, this article will be very helpful for you: http://www.howtogetaguytowantyou.com/he-doesnt-want-to-get-married/
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The sequel book to Eat Pray Love called Commitment, is a fantastic read for people who are obsessed with marriage or who question it, or for those like me who dont even see it on the horizon.
The author studies what marriage means to different cultures as she too struggles with what it means to her. As someone who isn’t obsessed with it, I was fascinated with the research she did and the ideas she talked about.. I really recommend it.
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I have had three friends in the same predicament. But I have often then wondered why they let the relationships go so far and had kids and all that? After they broke up with their partners, it was because the partner was never that interested anyway. It was them clinging on to the partner.
If marriage is important to you, then you and your partner need to be in the same page. Seek some relationship counseling and work out what it is that you both really want here. Sounds like you need to have a conversation about this. After all, communication is fundamental to healthy relationships.
I have never been the fan of the term partner. For much the reasons Neil Patrick Harris said: “I’d also like to call him my husband. I’m not the biggest fan of the word “partner”: It either means that we run a business together or we’re cowboys.”
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I agree completely!
I know several men who have lived with women, bought houses with them and had children. And they’ve broken up and they have married someone else. Because they met the right person!! How anyone can make a life with someone yet not marry them because they’re not the right person is beyond me but obviously something men can do easily and regularly.
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Watch an episode of Bridezillas, that should cure you of wanting to be a bride.
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Uh, yeah because ALL engaged women are just like that.
It is usually just a show about a dysfunctional immature couple / family (in laws) with a wedding around it as the sub plot.
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Is he happy to make the commitment to you lifelong, as long as it isn’t packaged up into marriage? any chance you could make a significant night out of just making the commitment to each other, privately, your own personal anniversary, and maybe a lovely “non-engagement” ring to mark the commitment?
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I haven’t ready all the comments, so apologies if I’m repeating what others have said, but I think counselling would help.
Start with just you, and talk to the therapist about exactly why you want to get married and why you think your partner doesn’t. You might get it all sorted alone. If not, I suggest you have some couples counselling to figure out what’s really going on. Both of you need to have your needs met in some way – but you must first figure out exactly what those needs are.
I’m single. I don’t want a big, white wedding either (heck, I don’t even want an engagement ring or wedding band), but I’d definitely like to get married someday. It would mean something to me for my partner to WANT to propose to me and marry me, and for us to be able to call each other ‘husband’ and ‘wife’. At least, that’s what I think… If I ever find myself in a loving relationship, I might not care so much anymore.
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I never expected to get married – a line up of divorces in the family had more or less cured me of the idea that getting married provides some sort of buffer zone between a relationship surviving or not.
No matter how well you know your partner when/if you decide to get married, who’s to say what will happen 10, 20, 30 years down the track? People change and life can throw lots of curly ones at you, regardless of how well-intentioned you are, or determined to ‘make it stick.’
When I met my then boyfriend, we made a decision that we didn’t want to have children, and in some ways I was the one old-fashioned enough to think ‘why get married, then? We’re just as committed – or not – as anyone else.’
But my husband was the one who said “no, why shouldn’t we stand up and declare our commitment in front of family and friends regardless of whether our family includes kids?’
And so we did – nearly twenty years ago. (And yes, it was a fun day – but it’s only one of many.)
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You need to use your big girl words and talk to your partner.
You need to discuss why this is such a big deal for you and you need to discuss why it’s a big deal for him.
Relationships are full of compromises but you will never get to it if you don’t talk about it.
He may feel that having a child with you is a much bigger commitment to you than marriage. He may be willing to compromise and get married if he knows how much it means to you. You may discover he has some pretty big issues with the whole marriage thing that alter your perspective a bit. But until you talk about it it’s all in maybe land.
Time to sit down and discuss.
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“Use your big girl words”
Condescending much?
Also, you are not taking in to account that many men are unable to talk about these things. It might not be that easy for her to bring up. You are making a heap of assumptions that her partner is even willing to talk about this subject.
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I don’t really think “use your big girl words” is intended to be condescending in this context – it’s a common enough humorous expression.
And I think the response “you should talk to your partner about this” is a pretty valid one when faced with an article like this – it’s pretty clear that the writer hasn’t really discussed it with her partner if she’s saying “I’m good enough to bear his child, but not good enough to marry?” as though marriage is a much bigger commitment than creating a family together.
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Try this one: 30, single, no children. At Christmas my mother started saying to me that it no longer matters if I get pregnant at “my age”. My age!? It had begun!
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This piece resonates a lot with me. I’ve been a relationship for three years and we’ve been living together for half that time. My boyfriend’s parents had a very acrimonious divorce when he was very young and so he is not into the idea of marriage at all. I made it clear very early on that marriage was important to me and if he didn’t want the same thing, I needed to know as I didn’t want to spend years and years in a relationship that wasn’t heading towards marriage and kids. But most of my friends and both my siblings are married now and there’s still been no sign of a ring and I’m getting a little insecure.
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Jess – just out of interest, would you be happy (or if not happy, at least accepting) if he genuinely wanted to commit to you for life and wanted to have kids with you but just didn’t want to get married?
I ask as you say ‘marriage and kids’ which implies you’re after commitment and a family, things you don’t necessarily need a wedding ring for…?
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He wants kids but being married is v important to me. I know it isn’t for everyone but I wouldn’t want to have kids outside of marriage. My parents have a very loving and successful marriage which is probably part of the reason it means a lot to me.
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Thanks for your reply, good luck!!
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Good for you Jess. I agree with you. Getting married is important to me too. Before meeting my husband I was previously with someone who was anti marriage and the non commitment type. He was happy for us to be together for several years, however didnt want to move the relationship along in a manner that is normal for most people of his age. I realised he simply didnt have the maturity or the guts. Twenty years later he still changes partners every few years – usually when they wake up!
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Anonymous, please don’t give him an ultimatum.
Instead have a long, deep talk about what it means to you, and what it means to him. Maybe it will change his mind, or maybe it will change yours.
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The only thing I feel I can add to this discussion is the advice that it seems,to me anyway,reading your story that you have already made up your mind about this situation.You love him,you are happy,you would rather the relationship you are in than a life without him and the possibility of marriage with someone else.
So the next step is acceptance and finding peace with the circumstances of your life.
My advice would be to live in the today,focus on the now and remind yourself each and every day of what you have in your relationship.This may take hard work,this will probably require a conscious mental shift,and it may even be something you choose to talk to a professional about to make peace with it in your heart.
That is really the next step for you if you are truely being honest with yourself in the contentment and happiness you say you feel in your relationship.
Life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect,and the reality of life is that we can’t change other people or situations but we can change our response to them.
What you have today will always fall short of the ‘happily ever after’ you imagine if you don’t connect with the happiness that can be found in the right now.
So my advice is this…change what you can and accept what you can’t.remember that life is about the reality of today and the joy of what you already have.
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Luella, yes I agree. One of the best sayings I’ve heard about acceptance is ” God doesn’t give with both hands” meaning sometimes in life you don’t get everything your heart desires but you can appreicate the wonderful things you do have.
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I haven’t read all the replies, but this sounds like wisdom to me. You’ve made your decision, now accept it, enjoy the love you share with each other and your child. Find your happiness in your circumstances. Maybe try a gratitude journal (journal something you are grateful for every day) which is a great way to improve your happiness. Or read “Choosing happiness” by Stephanie Dowrick. Change any negative thoughts you have about being unmarried.
In my 20s I may have felt the same as you…. now in my late 30s I think there are many types of family, many types of love, and they don’t need a certificate to validate them. Enjoy what you have.
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Choosing Happiness… that book changed my life. Stephanie Dowrick is amazing!
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Choosing Happiness… that book changed my life. Stephanie Dowrick is amazing!
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Choosing Happiness… that book changed my life. Stephanie Dowrick is amazing!
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I am having a hard time digesting comments like “before he’ll marry you” “get a ring from him before you move in”.. marriage is a joint venture.
Perhaps a number of guys are sick of hearing comments like this referring to “them” & “marriage” rather than “us” & “life”
marriage is to be entered into by two people, but society has this impression that its only about the girls. It really buys me.i have seen some men resist for the sake of it, b/c there so much “noise” about getting married.
As with any situation, bullying doesn’t work.
this is from an engaged gal who has been with the BF for 8.5 years… we also knew we were on the same path, so whats the drama!
good luck to everyone, but my advice… just chill.
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I completely understand where you are coming from Anonymous.
I told my then bf 4 months into our relationship that I saw marriage and children as part of my future at some stage and if he didn’t want those things, then we should end the relationship then (and I really meant it after a previous relationship ended due to him not wanting children or marriage).
He said straight away that he wanted the same things, but given he was only 23 at the time (I was 30), I made him think about it for a few weeks then we had the conversation again.
We married 2 and a half years later and while we have been happily married for almost 15 years, we have been through the wringer of IVF and adoption but there have been no children for us.I believe we were able to manage this very stressful situation by both being on-board with wanting the same things.
Anyway, it was very important for me to be married and to have a ‘husband’. I’m not really sure exactly why, but I needed that commitment back then. Having been married very happily for 15 years, I can now say that I’m confident enough in my relationship to know it’s really not that important to me. The wonderful man who is my partner would be committed to me no matter or legal relationship. Perhaps though this feeling only comes with time and self-confidence?
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I’m sorry to hear Jo Jo you and your husband missed out on having kids – my husband and I have had the same problem and I know it is a painful experience in many ways and I absolutely sympathise. I absolutely agree with you though that having a wonderful soul mate in your life is a fantastic thing (married or otherwise) and for me it certainly makes up for some of life’s other trials. Getting to spend more time together than if we had kids is certainly not a terrible thing either : )
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If you were to take away the issue of marriage and replace it with some other issue – kids, plans, where to live, etc, they are fundamentally all the same – a difference in values and beliefs between the members of a couple.
I think there are a couple of points you could probably talk about together, or consider:
1. Why do you want to get married?
2. Why does he not want to get married?
3. Were either of you aware of your stance/s when you entered the relationship or committed further to it? (i.e. having a child, moving in together)
If he was never aware that marriage was so important to you, he needs to hear why and have time to consider it, and vice versa for you. I’m not sure there is a fix, but if you give each other chance to hear the other out, it may help you come to some sort of understanding.
I entered my relationship with my husband knowing that one day I wanted kids, definitely. The older we have got, the more I have reiterated this issue, and he is aware that it is not negotiable, but he committed to me knowing this. We haven’t got there yet. but when we do, I know for certain he hasn’t been taken by surprise!
FWIW, I am married to a procrastinator. He always said we would get married one day but never did anything about it. Until he had to – we are studying overseas and couldn’t get a visa for me without being legally married. To those who say it is no different to being in a defacto relationship, there are still a few differences, particularly if you wind up having to deal with the laws of another country. I have heard from an aunt, who is married but retained her surname, that even travelling in certain countries they will question and/or refuse members of the opposite sex to share a hotel room together if they are not married.
I understand…but I’m not sure I can be of any use!
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