“I spat in the salad dressing so you wouldn’t use it.” Hellish housemates…

Rebecca McGuire Tuesday 15 March 2011 12:37pm

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Housemates. Sometimes they’re great, sometimes they…..leave pubic hairs on your expensive soap.  Sour milk? fingernails on the bathroom floor? no electricity because the bills haven’t been paid? If you’ve ever shared a home this post may bring up some issues for you. Writer Rebecca McGuire says:

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“This morning I watched my housemate spend ten minutes removing 2kg’s worth of my dog’s white hair, intricately woven throughout her black work clothes. She was doing this with an unbothered look on her face, whilst kicking a ball to the very same dog.

It made me think of how lucky I am to have her as a housemate. She is the kindest, most patient person in.the.world. I really have hit the jackpot with her.I wasn’t always so lucky with housemates however.

I once had a housemate who would wake up at 2.00pm most days, have chocolate cake for breakfast, and then smash (and I mean smash) the toilet directly afterwards. SANS flush. When I’d arrive home from work, I could actually smell his bowel movement, from the front door steps. It was absolutely disgusting. I’m genuinely sorry if you’re eating your breakfast whilst reading this.

Same housemate would no clean, and would hide in his room when he was overdue on rent. Because I can’t do confrontation (ever), I’d never go and knock on his door and ask him for it. So, we’d do the ‘Are you out of your room, if so, I’ll stay in my room’ dance for three weeks at a time. Super fun.

With that said however, I have to be fair. How does the saying go? ‘When you point 1 finger you have 3 fingers pointing back at you’ or something? So here goes: “Hi I’m Rebecca, and I’m a horror housemate.” Here’s why.

The not-so-bad-but-still-bad stuff*:

• I leave drinking glasses everywhere. All throughout my apartment (and sometimes when I’m visiting other people’s houses.) I always have. I’m not sure why I do it, but you can generally see a ‘Hansel and Gretel’ trail as to where I’ve spent my time throughout the week. Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen bench, coffee table, dining table, outdoor dining table. Red lipstick marks on all of them. Classy.
• I talk through all of my housemate’s favourite shows, including SBS news. Not purposely, but because I can’t stop talking. And really, who wants to hear about world issues, when you can hear about what I had on my sandwich at lunch?
• I forget to put the bin out. All the time. (To be honest, probably more ‘I hate to’ than ‘forget’.)

The unequivocally bad stuff:

• I can ignore weeds and grass for a very long time. In fact, I probably have a few homeless people and/or prison escapees living/hiding in my backyard. Suffice to say I won’t be featured in Better Homes & Gardens magazine any time soon.
• Similarly, I sometimes ignore ‘inside things’ that need addressing, for a very long time, despite the addressing of them being relatively simple. I.e. broken shower head, screen door off its rails, missing keys for locks. I won’t argue with you; my middle name might in fact be ‘sloth’.
• Once, when I was in charge of pool maintenance, I unwittingly entered the profession of toad and frog breeding. In my pool. The neighbours thought that it was so awesome that they invited the council to come and admire it too.

Dear readers. It took me less than 10 seconds to think of how bad of a housemate I have been/can be.

So, the moral of this story?

We all drop the ball/our housemate’s favourite vase sometimes when it comes to being a good housemate. So be patient. Remember, 3 fingers pointing back at you…

*I like to think my strong penchant for vacuum cleaning – I sincerely, absolutely love it – and my interesting, oh-so-hilarious anecdotes (not told during favourite-show-viewing-time) compensate for the not-so-bad-but-still-bad stuff.”

Have you had a horror housemate? Have you BEEN a horror housemate?