I wrote of this once. In fiction. It was easier to speak in third person, hiding behind the characters I created. “When he choked her to near unconsciousness”, I could protect myself with that invisible wall.
But it’s time. To speak out. To use my name in telling my story. For myself. For others. Because I have the words to speak of it when so many others don’t. And then the question inevitably arises…
Why do women stay in abusive marriages? This is what most people think, if they don’t ask it outright. Hell, I STILL ask this question, as I have yet to come up with an adequate answer for myself.
The short answer is I don’t know. But it’s not why you think. How do I know? Because I stayed for almost 10 years. And it wasn’t for any reason that most people imagined.
After all, why does a dying frog stay in a boiling pot of water? Because it takes time for the heat to be a true threat.
By then it’s too late.
The signs were there from the beginning, but to a young girl blind with love (or lust?) they were easy to ignore.
We met at a bar, but it was a fluke, right? I rarely went to bars. No reason to think he was an alcoholic just because he was there that night too.
He promised to cut back, and he did. Our whirlwind courtship left little room for the demon of doubt to wiggle his way into our love.
The first time his arms wrapped around my body, not in love, but in hate and anger, I was unprepared. He was drunk. I was desperate to keep him from driving. I ended up in a heap on the floor, throat sore from choking, the sound of his screeching tires telling me I’d lost him.
Top Comments
I hear you. I was in that same crap for 10 years (with 2 babies). He needed to be powerful, in control. I have been writing my story for 30 years; and yes have wrestled with fiction or first person. It mixes in until I get it down...to yes, this is my story. The man is dead; but the ghosts can stay inside. I admire you. Hang in there, hope all is well for you. I have a super husband now of 30 years.
I am a man who used to have pretty black and white views on both the men that abused and the women who stayed with them, or went back to them. Now, older and marginally wiser, I know that anyone who applies stereotypes to these situations does not really understand the complexities at play.
Alcohol, while not an excuse, is often a feature. I lost my young brother to alcoholism when he was in his 20′s. Many police and military have it as part of their culture, and some contract the disease.
Strong women who speak out remain inspirational not only to women seeking that strength, but to honourable men who hate the thought of women being abused in any way.
Thank you for your article Kimberly.