Was it the day you met? Did you wait a week, a month a year, till your wedding night or are you still waiting ? Mamamia reader Ange* is perplexed. She writes:
“I am extremely curious – how many people end up married to people they slept with on the first night? Is it really true that people who do this don’t end up together forever? Or is the idea you’re meant to ‘wait’ old fashioned?
I am curious because I have a friend who desperately wants to settle down and get married. But in the meantime she is shagging every man she meets. I am not judging her but I know she wants to get married and I don’t think this behaviour is going to help (plus I don’t think it’s making her happy)
Call me old fashioned but every time she asks for my advice I say why don’t you just wait, get to know someone and see what happens. She is forever having one night stands then moaning about the fact they never call her. It’s starting to get to the point where I’m resenting her phone calls, they are like groundhog day.
Every time I tell her to maybe date, have dinner, get to know someone before jumping into bed with them she tells me that most of her happily married friends shagged on the first night and it doesn’t make any difference. Am I old fashioned, or is this true?
I’m starting to feel like a dinosaur and I would love some evidence to show my friend as I feel like she’s hurting herself and being self-destructive and I don’t know how to help”
Is there a link between how long you wait before having sex and how long a relationship starts? How long did you date or even know your current partner before you had sex with them?Have you ever had a first-nighter turn into a relationship?
Comments
272 Comments so far
Interesting discussion. People are different & you need to figure out what’s right for you. I held out for a long time thinking the ‘wedding night’ was right & finally gave up when the guy I thought was Mr Right was Mr no commitment & slept with whoever he wanted at the time.
Within a month I met & slept with my husband, whom I was attracted to but not in love with at the time. A few days later we sat down & had a serious where is this going talk (which so many guys wouldn’t do).
So now it’s almost 20 years later, we have a 12 & 8yr old & we treasure each other still. It could have been completely different, but I was lucky & am happy that we met every day.
loading...
I do believe in waiting, even a little while, if you think there’s a chance a meeting could become a relationship.
It was love at first sight for my hubby and I. He desparately wanted to sleep together on the first night we met but I knew he was the one and didn’t want to jinx it, so I made him wait about 6 days. Not long, I know, but a wait all the same
loading...
cute
loading...
My partner and I met through mutual friends one day at the pub – he got me drunk and then refused to take advantage of me. We spent the whole afternoon talking and getting tipsy, then he told me he wanted to get to know me sober and put me in a taxi home. It really got my attention. The we slept together on our second date and that was it. Now we’re moving in together. So we waited…a little.
loading...
We waited 8 months before having sex, but it was the first time for both of us and we were in our late teens.
Been together now nearly 10 years and married for just over 1.
Your friend sounds like one of my friends – I reckon alot of the time they sleep with guys on the first date because of low self esteem. But its a vicious cycle.
loading...
I knew my current boyfriend for about 2 months before we started dating. From memory it was about 3 weeks between our first date and the first time we had sex. We did ‘sleep’ together on the first night though, and he pretty much stayed at my house every night up until we officially moved in together. It was hard holding back sometimes, but it worked for us. I wanted to wait a little because I was serious about him, I guess it’s a way to find out if he’s serious about me too or just after sex. We’ve been together for almost three years and are planning on getting married soon-ish.
loading...
My husband was a very drunk work Xmas party pick up. They say you shouldn’t do it!! 2 weeks later we found out he was my new boss (didn’t know at the time!). Lots of just ‘sleeping’, not ‘sexing’ for about a month, moved in 2 yrs later (having found separate jobs), been together 12 yrs, married 8 and have 3 children.
loading...
Can I first say that I’m not a great writer, but I really want to share my opinion on this.
When you strip it back, sex is just sex. It is a physical act. There doesn’t need any emotions, hell – you don’t even have to like the person you’re doing it with. Why it becomes an issue for so many people (IMHO) is for two reasons: pregnancy and love.
You can get pregnant if you have sex. That means a baby and “family” and settling down… not exactly what’s usually going through the heads of sweaty 19 year olds (29 year olds?) at clubs. They are in the moment and wanna get laid. It tops off a good night out.
Sex = love or love = sex. “If you love me then you’ll have sex with me”, or “They are having sex with me – they must love me”. Wrong. Usually. Mixing up sex with love is where a lot of people run into trouble. It’s been a while since I was in high-school, so I’m not au fait with their Health Ed curriculum, but they should be teaching this to teenagers. Sure, people who are in a loving relationship have sex, but *having* sex doesn’t MEAN you’re in a loving relationship.
So, sex is fun. If the chick in question likes having fun with lots of guys while she is finding the right one, then leave her be. If she’s getting down because she’s attaching emotions onto these trysts where there really isn’t any, then she should probably look at leaving the sexy times out while she gets to know them.
loading...
What a great response Jen. You’re completely right about the relationship between sex and love, and people getting them confused.
And you’re a great writer! Don’t put yourself down
loading...
I completely agree, if a guy likes u they won’t care when u had sex with them. If they don’t like you then, they will still have sex with you. I am single at moment and I can not separate love and sex so I havent had any for 20 months. I have kissed a few frogs tho. I have friends who are also single and think I’m ” frigid cow” and will jump anyone who smiles at them. Two out of three of these friends don’t seem to relate sex with love and are happy as is. The other friend is getting really down on herself, but can’t seem to stop being self destructive.
loading...
Thank you!
loading...
Ohhh this makes me so sad. I would never teach my child that sex is just sex.
Sex should be about respect (for yourself and your partner), love, honesty, safety, enjoyment and trust. It doesnt mean you have to wait for marriage, but to make sure that you are comfortable and wont regret it. What harm is there in waiting? Even if you only wait a few dates. Then maybe hearts wont get broken so easily when the guy you met last night doesnt call. We teach our children stranger danger but dont teach them enough about protecting themselves by not going home with a stranger to have sex!!! One night stands are seen as fun to kids, but what happens if they get an STD, pregnant or feel like they cant say no to sex because they decided to go back to the persons house. I believe we should teach them that sex can be fun in the right circumstances. Also not to mix sex and alcohol as it can be a recipe for disaster.
An when im talking about “kids” i mean teenagers, not talking to 6 yr olds about STDs, etc
loading...
While it wasn’t my intention to make anyone sad, I think it would be naive and counter-productive at best to still be dishing out the “When two people love each other very much” speech to teenagers. I don’t disagree with what you think sex “should” be, but it’s not just limited to those things. “Should” as a word implies that there is a moral compass to follow, and your template for sex isn’t something that everyone would want to follow.
I wasn’t encouraging anyone to wait or not wait, I’m completely neutral on it , but I would encourage parents to be logical when it comes to the sex-talk. Giving teenagers MORE tools, information and points of view is surely better than romanticising it?
loading...
I definitely agree on giving teens more tools too
I think they should give the teens 15 different stories on how people lost their virginity so teens have lots of versions on how it can go. Sex can be wonderful, but also very destructive.
But mostly i think its important to be positive about sex, even though sex itself can be scary/confusing/painful.
It makes me sad that teens today see sex as something that they just do. With all the dangers that can come from it (physically and emotionally) they dont see how important it truly is.
loading...
The damage is done when parents tell their children “When two people love each other very much…..”. Why else would women confuse sex and love, that’s what they’ve been taught!
loading...
I want my kids to know that two people should be in a loving respectful relationship. Its about having respect for yourself. Sex is a wonderful thing. But isnt it better with someone that you trust and love?
loading...
My hubby & I were just attached at the hip when we 1st met. Seriously! He offered to give me a ride home after I got off of work at a bar that I worked at & he never left! The 1st night he stayed the night he slept in my bed, but on top of the blankets fully clothed! We dated for 10 days & thats all it took to fall in love & have sex ; ) A month into our relationship we were talking marriage & by 2 months we were trying to have a baby. 5 yrs later we are happily married with a 2 & 1/2 year old son!
loading...
wow reading the comments makes me feel like the odd one out!
I think we would have waited at least 9 months before we slept together, my first time, not his.Currently 2 and a bit years into our relationship, things still as strong as ever. taking things slowly one step at a time.
I think it really depends on the person and the relationship they have
loading...
First date.
Been together 7 years – we are engaged to be married in Jan.
loading...
my current relationship, going on two years now started in us living together as housemate. After a month and a half of crazy tension and platonic bed sharing we slept together and that’s now where we take our anniversary from. past relationships have built up to sex too and the only times I’ve had one night stands has been when I haven’t wanted anything more than sex. That’s not to say it’s the same for anyone else however I get nervous if I’m actually into someone as a potential long term partner which is what holds me back.
loading...
Technically we waited 4 years (but that’s because we were friends for a long time first). But once it ‘happened’ between us we slept together pretty much straight away. I think it’s different because we knew each other so well beforehand.
loading...
Same here Mel, we knew each other for about 6 months as friends and when things “changed” well…. I think you get it. Been together for 11 years now.
loading...
Met on Lavalife and then chatted for 8 hours straight that night on MSN.
Text messaged, phone called, and MSN chats a couple of times a day for the next 2-3 weeks (including a few 4-5 hour long phone calls) while he was away.
Met in person at a coffee shop, then went for a long walk, then had lunch, then saw a movie, then went to the supermarket (where we had our first kiss, lol), then went back to his place and cooked dinner. All on the same day. Sat in his room talking for hours, he then taught me to play poker, which quickly became strip poker… We all know how that ended up!!
We moved in together about 3 months later. Will have been together for four years in July this year. He’s in the process of planning his proposal… *squee*
Sleeping together on the first date didn’t have any negative repercussions for us. We’ll be together forever. =)
loading...
Love it!
loading...
We waited about 3 months- which is the longest I have ever waited.
We didn’t kiss for several dates. I was my now husbands first ever date, he’d never kissed someone before he met me. So I was really scared about his first time, I’d never been with a virgin before and didn’t want it to be a bad experience. (The poor love, he couldn’t even sleep when I slept over as he was so nervous, that lasted months!)
We were engaged 9 months after meeting, and married 6.5 months after engagement. Been married 3 years now
loading...
Such an interesting question… the boundaries these days are becoming so blurred. I definitely think sleeping with a man the first time you meet (or on the first date…) is a sign that it doesn’t mean very much to you. And try as they might to tell you that that’s awesome, I reckon most men in their heart of hearts want a woman who really values sex as something that isn’t just given away nonchalantly. Having said that, there are relationships where it’s worked. But we all know you need more than sexual chemistry to sustain anything long-term…
alleycatwrites.wordpress.com
loading...
What about a woman finding a man who values sex?
Two way street, come on now.
loading...
Definitely a two way street. Wasn’t trying to be all inclusive in that comment. What I was getting at was that if you’re unsure about whether something is going to eventuate, and you want it to eventuate, from my own experience, its better to withhold sex, at least until you’re sure on his intentions…
loading...
There are sooo many studies and books out there arguing that for a long-term relationship to last, you need MORE than just physical attraction.
I find my husband incredibly hot, but it’s the intelligent conversations, shared interest in music/gigs, love for food/cooking, our love for travel, respect for each other and similar values/world views/ideals that keep us together. Without these things, there’s no way I would’ve married him (and vice-versa).
You find out these things by putting off sex (for a little while) and going on dates where you find out about each other – every psychologist/counsellor will tell you that.
Now, off to watch some Dr Phil… (jks!)
loading...
Dont judge.
Slept with P-Daddy the same night we met. My boyfriend wasn’t at that party…. Broke up within a week, and P-Daddy and I were ‘official’ about a month after that. 9 years, a marriage and 2 kids later – I think it worked!
loading...
Same here! BF at the time wasn’t at the party we were at together, we’d shared loads of laughs before this party and the BF relationship was rocky at best … there’s a bit of cross-over time between when my husband and I hooked up and when then-BF and I broke up (true, not my most moral hour) …)
11 years later, married for 6, 3 kids later and it’s all good!
loading...
Phew!
loading...
First bf: a month, and not til after we had made it ‘official’
Second bf: started sleeping together first then became a couple
Interim: casual partner over course of a month or so
Current bf and fiancé: did it the first night, couple of hours after he asked me to be his girlfriend. I didn’t mean to on the first date but oops!
The second and third were bad ideas (nice guys, just not right for me). I would say wait until you are in a relationship, but that’s my experience and not everyone’s.
loading...
My husband and I dated for about 2 months before we had sex (I made him wait) It seemed virtuous at the time, but looking back I’m sure it wouldn’t have made any difference -together for 16 years and married for 11.
loading...
Meet in early December ’10, (he took me to U2), slept with him for the first time on Valentine’s Day (’11) after he took me to Michael Buble, and yes we are still together and I moved in with him over Easter, thinking of getting engaged in July.
loading...
Since I hadn’t slept with anyone before meeting my lovely partner, we waited 2 months – I needed to be sure I could trust him enough to not dump me the next morning!
It’s been over 6 years now and we’re still going strong.
loading...
I met my husband at a pub and we slept together the first night. To make it even more scandalous, he was living with a girlfriend at the time – eek! 7 years later we are married and a baby on the way but it did have it’s fair share of dramas in the beginning.
loading...
9 months with my now DH. Ex-fiance (only other sexual partner) was around the same amount of time too.
Works for me, worked for them. Most of my friends wait that long, if not longer.
loading...
Pardon my ignorance but what is DH? Dear Husband? Defacto Husband? I see it all the time and I still don’t know!
loading...
Yep it’s dear husband – you can change that to another ‘less nice’ description when they piss you off…
loading...
Lol thanks Sasch!
loading...
Shagged second date. Together 15 years and still adore him…and he still looks at me like water in the desert.
loading...
Friends first. Never dated. Couple after first kiss. Lived together pretty much straightaway for 3 years. Now married for over 9 years.
loading...
My fiance and I met via the interwebz. First date we didnt even kiss. Second date the same thing . . although I was gunning for it but he couldn’t read the signs . . lol. Third date we kissed. We didn’t sleep together for about a month. All long term relationships I’ve had I’ve waited. I find if you shag too quickly it fizzles out. For me anyway. Each to their own I say
loading...
I’ve been happily married for 17 years. We slept together the second time we met, after a party – not even a date! *Goes crimson* This was unusual behaviour for me but it just felt “right”. We’ve been together ever since.
loading...
My fiancee and I started out as a pub pickup after I had been out on a hen’s night.
What is a little different for us is that we had been facebook ‘friends’ for a couple of months prior and we have both since admitted to ‘stalking’ each other and looking at the others photos and page. Also we had mutual friends that had told him to ‘add’ me.
At about 1am the night we got together was really the first time we had talked, which then turned into our first dance, first kiss etc..
The next day we talked more via sms and we went on our first date 2 weeks later. Fast forward 19 months we are now engaged and we are planning our Wedding for this November.
I think for us a number of factors worked in our favour. Would I have wanted to see him again if we hadn’t been facebook friends? Unknown but there is that chance. Because i got to see a small picture of who he was, how he presented himself I got to know him a very little and what i saw I liked.
loading...
I had a year of bad experiences with men (and not feeling great about myself) in which I was sleeping with guys on the first date/the first meeting. I realised that most of these guys had no respect for me and decided to swear off sleeping with guys before getting to know them.
A month later I met my now husband – we ended up sleeping together on the third date and he’s an amazing guy, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference but I’m convinced it’s because of my decision to wait a bit!
loading...
We’ve been together for 20yrs this November. The longest bloody one night stand I’ve ever had
loading...
Classic!
loading...
my partner and I just about slept together on the first night… well we were both so drunk nothing really worked. but he stayed the next night and came over the following night, spent the next night at his place and we have lived together ever since, and are expecting our first child in 5 weeks time… we aren’t married, it will happen one day, but its not overly important to me, being happy and healthy is.
loading...
My husband and I got really drunk on our second ever date as we were just having the best time and one wine bottle turned into three (or four?) and we slept together that night.
We’ve been together nearly six years.
I honestly don’t think it makes any difference whatsoever. If you’re waiting for your wedding night, that’s one thing (and might I add, in my opinion, a bad idea) – but if you meet someone and really like them and it happens a bit early, I don’t think it matters at all.
We’re all human, and sometimes you’re so attracted to the person you’re meant to be with you simply cant help yourself
loading...
I agree waiting for your wedding night is a disaster waiting to happen!
What happens if your just not compatible!
loading...
Absolutely, I know it’s a tv show but the Charlotte/Trey storyline on Sex and the City is something I’ve heard happening before.
Plus if you’re consenting adults who love each other and are attracted to each other, life is too short to wait due to outdated religious ‘morality’ reasons.
loading...
First night (not even a date) …. and married for 16 years now
loading...
Interesting topic, and I look forward to reading the varied responses that will follow.
Personally, I didn’t even kiss my husband on our first date – we often joke about it now. We did sleep together after a few weeks, but didn’t actually live together until we married. 13 years later, and it’s still going strong!
But, my best friend slept with her partner on the first date – one baby down, and another on the way…things are going great with them too.
loading...
We waited two months. it was hard. hahahaa
no really it was.
loading...
What about when you sleep with a guy before you’ve even had a date? Like when you meet at a club or a party and go home together.
I’ve had several long-term relationsihps that started out this way!
loading...