Look, I promise this isn’t going to be a post about the Kardashians. But I do need to reference them briefly to make a broader point. So even if you’ve had a gutful of them, stay with me.
I may or may not [cough] have been listening to Kim & Khloe Kardashian’s interview with Kyle and Jackie O the other night when the subject of Kim’s divorce was tentatively raised. The girl is a pro, knew how to deflect the question and was never going to give away more than she wanted to. But her answer was revealing (and alarming) in an entirely different way:
“I would never marry for a TV show, for money… it’s really ridiculous that I even have to defend that.”
She continued: “I am a hopeless romantic, and I’m in love with the dream of what all of that (marriage) represents… I don’t know if that’s what’s in the cards for me.”
Sister Khloe was quick to jump to Kim’s rescue throughout the interview and added:
“Kim is an amazing person… of course she’s sad, but she’ll get through it with us by her side, I’m just so proud of her. I’ve always admired her view on love and life… I love that about Kim… I never want that to go away.”
This made me so mad I had to get out of the car.
To me, these two bold quotes embody everything that’s wrong with modern relationships. And it’s what troubles me deeply when it comes to the attitudes of so many women towards marriage.
Where do we start?
How about with the fact that being ‘a hopeless romantic’ and being ‘in love with the dream’ is not a recipe for an adult relationship of any kind let alone a marriage.
Or the fact that Kim’s ‘view on love and life’ is probably not something to be admired right now if, as she said in another interview, she felt she would have been letting too many people down if she’d listened to her gut and pulled the pin BEFORE the wedding.
This is not just about one person. This is about a warped phenomenon that sees far too many women focus far too much on the wedding (and The Ring and The Dress) instead of the relationship, the PERSON they’re committing to spend the rest of their life with.
Kim and Kris during the "fairytale" phase
It’s about whirlwind romances and Prince Charmings and being swept off your feet and love at first sight. It’s about the fact that all of that is a crock if you don’t actually know someone well enough to understand their values, if you don’t have effective communication and you’re not prepared for what happens when the honeymoon to wear off.
Life happens, that’s what. It’s not always pretty or exciting or glamorous. It’s not always romantic. And THAT’S OK.
Because marriage – and any long term relationship – isn’t about the flashy stuff. It’s about highs and lows, deepening intimacy, working as a team, learning to be equals while complimenting each others strengths and weaknesses. It’s about acknowledging those weaknesses in yourself and your partner and choosing to work through them.
And reaping the rewards of that.
It’s about hard bits and dull bits and getting through those too because on the other side are a whole lot of wonderful things that aren’t apparent in the early days.
I’ve written before about my distaste for the way girls are imprinted with the ‘fairytale’ fantasy of marriage. All the Disney heroines have whirlwind romances with their Prince Charmings who save them from some terrible peril, carry them off on their white horses and marry them immediately, turning them – hey presto – into Princesses in brightly coloured frocks. Happily Ever After! Etc!
So every time a celebrity rushes into a marriage with someone they met five minutes ago and the media fall over themselves to call it ‘a fairytale’ (KK’s 2-part TV special was actually called Kim’s ‘fairytale wedding’), I throw up my hands.
YES, I got sucked in and I watched the damn show. And I hated myself a little bit for it. Because it was more like watching the Oscars red carpet than anything based on real emotion.
So when Kim insists she is a true romantic and Khloe cheers her on for having such an idealistic, dreamy view of relationships, why is that something to be proud of?
Relationships require foundations if you want them to last. ‘Foundations’ may not be as sexy an F-word as ‘Fairytale’ but when the wind blows – and you can be sure it will – romance and flimsy fairytales ain’t going to hold up your house.
As Sam de Brito said in a conversation we had in Mamamia on Sky News the other week, relationship skills should be taught in schools. It’s as important as sex education – possibly more.
How else can we dismantle the childish notion that being hopeless romantic is anything other than….well, hopeless.
Are you a romantic? Have you searched for the perfect romance and found it doesn’t exist?
Comments
196 Comments so far
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I don’t know about straight relationships, but I can say that in my relationship with a woman that it does exist always.
And I am a total, hopeless (real) romantic, that lives the dream.
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My partner and I have been together for almost a year. It is far and away the best relationship I’ve ever had and I truly think that this could be it. But it has only been a year. We don’t live together. We haven’t had to deal with anything tough. And yet friend after friend asks when we are getting married.
We joke and shrug it off but it is infuriating. We are trying not to get caught up in the whole wirlwind romance and be realistic, but everyone around us wants the fairytale! All I can say is that they will all just have to wait, it aint happening any time soon.
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Here, here, Mia! Thank you for this post- I couldn’t agree more.
As a young girl I, somewhat unconsciously, grew up with this ‘enchanted’ Disney-style view on love and relationships. Thankfully, life intervened and I now realise that the ‘perfect’ man, relationship and life do not exist but furthermore, that I don’t want those things or that ‘perfection’- embracing real life is so much richer and more meaningful than pursuing an unfulfilling fantasy, n’est-ce pas?
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I don’t think there is anything wrong with what KK said in that article. In fact I think she was quite candid. That’s not to say there is NOTHING wrong with KK’s philosophy on love in general, but in the context of that comment (the one about “being in love with the dream), her admission is quite common. No matter how strong and able the woman, who doesn’t want what the F-word entails (happy endings, strong men with at least the ability to protect, the euphoria of finding “The One”…a wardrobe of glistening ballgowns)? However, Mia, you are absolutely right that it’s easy for women to mistake the stereotypical fairytale with what constitutes a real relationship, warts and all.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting the fairytale, as long as the dreamer is realistic enough to know that that is only a very small part of a real-life relationship that also comes with a tangible subtext of good and evil intricacies. Women also need to understand that by wishing upon the kind of stars peddled by Disney, marriage fantasies could turn into shams by midnight – Hollywood style.
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relationship skills are taught in schools in PDHPE. I wish people would actually look at the curriculum before making these “they should be teaching this in schools” statements.
also, if you really want your kids to learn something, teach them yourself. maybe even lead by example.
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It actually makes me kind of sad because she’s clearly desperate for a traditional, stable marriage with kids that she has rushed into now two marriages without really knowing the commitment that it requires or what sort of man it’s best to embark on that journey with.
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I have so many girlfriends who actually say, ‘I just want to find a prince.’ The go on and on about the wonderful wedding they want but rarely mention what qualities they are looking for in a partner.
Funnily enough I’m the least romantic but the only one in a relationship. I believe in what I call ‘quiet romance.’ It’s the day to day niceties between you and your partner that other people here have mentioned. Not the ‘guy running through the airport to finally declare his love for you before you fly away’ moment from movies.
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Despite what commenters below have said, I totally agree with this article! I think some people are misinterpreting what Mia is saying….they assume that Mia thinks there should be no romance in a relationship. I don’t think Mia is saying that a relationship shouldn’t have romance at all! She is just saying that some women have this whole ‘fairytale’ idea about their perfect wedding day, their perfect man, being swept off their feet and everything being, well, perfect! However, this is not the reality. You can have romance in your relationship, sure, but you’ve gotta deal with the other shit too. When you get married, whether there is romance or not, you still gotta deal with the reality of life. Paying bills, sickness, trying to understand each other as people etc. Some women think about the white wedding and their knight in shining armour but don’t think of the REALITY off what marriage actually involves.
Sure, go ahead, have plenty of romance in your relationship, I think that’s great!! But you still gotta deal with the not-so-great stuff too and realise that marriage is not all rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise (song lyric hehe)….. I think this is what Mia is saying
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You said it anna84
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Yes, but when you have an article slamming the fairytale romance and princessy life goals right next to others telling you how often you need a facial to look good for your man or a blog post from Mia titled “Why I am extremely superficial,” you can’t help but feel it is a little hypocritical.
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I love romance, date nights, candles, amazing sex and spontaneous love letters around the house.
I also love wearing trackies, eating dinner on the couch and watching tv in bed.
I don’t love the occasional fights so much. Or when he won’t put the toilet seat up. But that’s life.
The common thread with all of these things is my partner.
I think it’s the reasons WHY you love romance that’s important, and if that reason is more about the superficial aspects – particularly of a wedding – than the person you are with, then you may have a problem.
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Thanks, Mia. Great article.
It seems to me that KK (and others like her) wanted two things – 1) a fairytale wedding; and 2) the fairytale, warm-fuzzy love that makes her feel special and loved. The problem is that they fundamentally don’t understand marriage. Marriage isn’t about me – it’s about the other person and us together. A wedding is a ceremony of commitment to another person and their welfare, and a marriage is living that commitment to the other person out.
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Occasionally I question why I continue to read mamamia. Sometimes the content is questionable and trivial. But then you remind me with articles like this.
Thanks so much for this Mia. I wish I didn’t have to say it was a refreshing to read it, but it really was.
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so I got dumped two months ago by a guy who was looking for the fairytale and wanted to run when our relationship became real. heartbroken at the time, and still getting over it, but glad he ran now rather than after the wedding.
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Your post could have been written by me. I’ve just experienced the exact same thing.
Unfortunately it’s not just women who have an unrealistic view on what a relationship needs to be successful. Heartbroken also, the words of Marylin Monroe have helped me through, “If he couldn’t handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me at my best.”
It’s up to parents to teach their children that love is a choice and relationships aren’t always easy. If my guys parents had done their job, things may have been different.
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Disagree! I am a closet romantic and i believe in my own fairytale. Just because its not all castles and heroes and ponies doesnt make it less of one.
My boyfriend declared himself unromantic from the beginning but little did he realise that to me, romantic is when he strokes my leg while we watch tele, or that i see him be kind to my pets when he thinks im not looking, or when he gets out of bed to do a servo run for panadol and paddlepops, despite my protests, just because i have an icecream craving and a headache. He is my ‘prince charming’ and we have made a pact and put in effort to ensure we stay in the honeymoon period forever. I dont have a wedding fantasy but if we ever do marry ill be damn sure it meets both our expectations. Real life and blissful romance are not mutually exclusive. I hope kim k finds this kind of love one day because its wonderful and she is no less deserving because is famous and made a mistake. Youve loved the wrong guy before too mia, sheesh.
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“we have made a pact and put in effort to ensure we stay in the honeymoon period forever”
How old are you, 18?
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No, 28, why? Youre not a fan of the honeymoon period? Personally i dont think all the mushy stuff should end but hey, thats just me.
My ex wouldnt even kiss me or show affection after we were together for 6 months which made me wonder what was wrong with me. I stuck around a couple more years and accepted it as normal. Turns out he is a narcissistic jerk and there is nothing wrong with me, as evidenced by the fact i found someone with a heart and theres now an endless supply of affection and kisses in my daily life. Nor are there ‘fights’, if we disagree on things we talk them out to resolve them. Theres ‘i love you’s and random compliments and messages of appreciation as they pop into our heads.
Sorry if you think thats childish or naive but its not without conscious effort. Its what we want. We want to be that old couple that still hold hands and who tell young people to never let the sun set on an argument.
Problem?
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She said it herself , she is in love with the idea of it all . I admit I would like a nice wedding one day , I want it to be romantic and fun . But I am real about marriage , it won’t be rainbows and puppies everyday and it will be hard work and I know that it might not be for forever .
I am not even into hen’s nights and all that other stuff , even though I am a bit girly . To me , marriage won’t be my happily ever after . I reccently got dumped by the man who I thought would become the father of my children one day and I knew he was the one I wanted to marry . In fact , before I met him marriage was never on my mind .
Women think that their wedding day is their ” day ”
1.It is about you and your husband , not just you
2. Everyday should be your day
3. There is a life after the wedding , and it will be the same as before the wedding !
I am a romantic , but there is a line .
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Fairytales seem to have been warped into woman being in distress, man saving woman, big wedding, happily ever after. I get irritated when people say they want a fairy tale wedding. If we go back to the original fairy tales they weren’t so lovely but were meant to teach morals and scare the crap out of kids to behave. Disney changed all that. No one would want a fairy tale wedding if it involved being eaten by a witch or a bear.
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I strongly agree with the sentiment of this post. However I have also noticed with disappointment that this site seems to have lots of discussions about weddings and all the fluff associated with them, and this is the first one Iv seen focussing with any depth, on the difference between a wedding and a marriage. Wedding DOES NOT equal marriage. It could be argued, that this site often perpetuates the ‘big day’ view of marriage.
It bothers me if this ‘balance’ accurately reflects the collective outlook of women.
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Actually I think there have been quite a few realistic marriage articles on MM… this is one I wrote a wee while ago http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/this-is-how-i-made-my-relationship-work/ (shameless plug, but there are many more!)
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I agree there are lots of very great relationship/marriage stories (yours included!) – but still there seems to be a common view that weddings are really important and worthy of much discussion. Seperate to the issue of marriage/committment. Very few posts explore the relationship (or lack of) between weddings and marriage.
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I thought the exact same thing- is this article about the wedding or the marriage? Mia seems to confuse them here.
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Nothing confusing about this article at all, it makes perfect sense to me.
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She focuses on the wedding a bit but frankly its not that relevant to a marriage, except for the actual vows. All the rest is superfluous fluff. Kim says she loves what marriage represents and mia gets angry? I love what marriage represents too and im not ashamed of that. I feel that what mia is actually annoyed at is that kim had a big wedding and apparently made money off it and so many people were interested. But thats not ‘the marriage’ and maybe she did think it would work. Sometimes we fall for the wrong person, and thats ok. Why kick someone when theyre down?
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While I agree with the comments on the reality of making a marriage/relationship work, I don’t agree with the approach of this.
I think people forget that Kim Kardashian is just a person. If she wants to jump into marriage without too much thought that is her issue. She did not advocate that this is the way to make a marriage work.
Many people are too idealistic about many aspects of their lives. I don’t see why we need to the get mad when they admit that and use them as an example of “what’s wrong” with today’s society.
I didn’t watch the wedding and I’ve never seen any of the Kardashian’s shows. So I guess personally I find this whole idea of celebrity’s private lives being open for discussion and criticism a bit strange.
Sure, Kim makes a living by having an open private life. But no one truly knows what is going on in someone’s life, in their mind. We’ll never really know why Kim decided to get married so I don’t see the point in making these judgements and assumptions.
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Mia, I think you need to start prefacing what you write with “I think,” or “in my opinion,” because you sound pretty darn arrogant and self righteous in this post.
See, not everyone has been raised the way you were, or has had the same life experiences you have, so what is normal and OK for some may not be for you.
For some people, their life is about the flashy, princess, fairytale stuff, and you know what? THAT’S OK.
Just because it would not be a fulfilling relationship for you, does not make it wrong.
Because, the bottom line is, everyone is different, and it is unfair to judge people like this (I know, I know, they put themselves out there to be judged so they should take it, but that’s a whole different issue.)
You need to realise, that just as Kim is influential over her viewers, and the people who read stuff about her and by her, SO ARE YOU.
Don’t make aspiring social commentators or wannabe magazine editors feel guilty that maybe they did find a boyfriend who treats her like a princess and who they want to marry quicker than what perhaps you would.
I’m sure some people would criticise your decision to get married after you’d had a baby, but it was right for YOU at that time. You also mentioned, in your book that a part of you liked that you got married after the baby because it was non-traditional. That’s great. If that makes you happy, fantastic!
But lay off everyone else for their choices and realise that your opinion of what is the correct way to go about things is just that: your opinion.
These girls are a product of their environment and they are not going to wake up one day and suddenly be down-to-earth Aussies who you would want to have a beer with.
It takes all types to make the world go ’round, not just one.
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For goodness sake, it’s an opinion piece! And it’s on Mia’s website! Of course it’s her opinion, what on earth else would it be? How ridiculous to ask her to preface what she writes by saying ‘this is my opinion!’, now that would be annoying to read!
Anyway I think every word she said is gold!
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I was just saying to someone the other day that everyone seems to be losing their ability to express their thoughts or opinions as something other than fact. So it’s certainly not just Mia! Most people now say things like “that’s a stupid movie” rather than “I didn’t like it”. Bugs me. But this didn’t – I think because an article takes a premise and runs with it, and it’s fairly clear that it is that person’s opinion – at least in this case anyway. It feels kind of like debating somehow.
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And thankfully most people agree with Mia’s opinion here so there is still some hope left for this society. I don’t see how any reasonably intelligent person could disagree with this article. I think every word is spot on.
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Manipulate people often with comments that this….anyone who is fabulous (insert desirable adjective) would agree?
Yeah I agree with Mia but I also love the opinion of others. I’m not into the Stepford world.
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I think Mia’s point was that relationships are real and take work – they are not photo sessions and endless walks on a beach at sunset. I think this is realistic, down to earth and good advice. I didn’t think it was arrogant at all.
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Sing it, sister.
I don’t see fairytales as much of a contributing factor though. They’ve been around for centuries in one form or another in many cultures, but divorce on the scale we know it now is a relatively recent phenomenon and is largely confined to western culture.
So what’s the difference?
I commented on a different MM post recently that I believe it has more to do with the rise of individualism and the way parents have been raising their children to pursue their own dreams and to hell with what everyone else thinks!
Of course it’s good to follow your own dreams and ambitions and careers and loves and whims and friends… but we’ve been taught to do that instead of teaching responsibility towards family and society. Look around at any school or kids sports club and see how they’re scratching for volunteers … it didn’t used to be like that. Grandparents are filling in all over the place because parents are just too busy, or you’ll have one or two families that shoulder far more than their fair share of the work.
Something happened during the mid 20th century that drove us away from doing things for the ‘common good’ or for bowing our head to what our family expected. Now it’s completely frowned upon for families to express their desires about each other’s choice of partner or career or where they live or how they educate their kids.
Everything is up to the individual and everyone else is supposed to leave it be. Any opinions to the contrary are seen as judgmental or intrusive.
And that might work for many, many people. It might be the best way of doing it. But I think it’s too much of a coincidence that we also see things like 72-day divorces and ‘hopeless romantics’ that can’t keep a marriage together.
I’ve seen 7 families fall apart this year. Some are friends, some are just ‘faces’ at school. I really am despairing.
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I think you are onto something there – it is very hard to get volunteer parents to do anything at my school. Another aspect in addition to individualism in the context that you provided is that many more mothers are working and have less time to help out than in previous generations.
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As always, SometimesKaren, you are the voice of reason. Have said it before but will say it again: You rock! I may have a bit of a girl crush on you (not in a weird stalkery way) xxx
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Bahahaha thanks chef!
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My husband called me this morning after dropping our son to playschool, telling me he had to tell me something. I immediately began listing off numerous things which I may have forgotten, which needed to be remembered, or which I was worried he wanted me to do for him. After patiently letting me run out off steam, he said – ‘no, none of those things. I just watched our son playing for a few minutes after I dropped him off and I wanted to let you know that you are an awesome mum. He is the way he is because of you.’ I was momentarily speechless (it never lasts long with me) and just said ‘Thanks.’
I’ve had a difficult week this week and he knew what I needed. After ten years, I have learned that having someone know you well enough to give what you need when you are not even aware yourself – that is romance. Despite the fact that he has felt the effects of my difficult week, he still made the effort to do that for me today. There is literally not one other single thing anyone could have done that would make me feel better than that comment.
I truly feel sorry for someone like Kim Kardashian who it seems may never find that level of intimacy, trust and love with someone. It is the romance born of bad days, arguments, tears and frustration – and coming out stronger the other side. I don’t have the perfect romance – I have my own love story that is probably not what I would have chosen before I was in it but is exactly right for me.
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oh I just had a tear over that
because that’s the most awesome job recognition ever from the person who it matters to most (other than your child, obviously) THAT comment would set me up for a week of picking up after my husband, collecting his dishes and all those other annoying little habits!!
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Yeah, Liz, he’s probably in for a good Friday night!
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I don’t watch the Kardashians Shenanigans (else I would know their show’s name – am guessing that’s not it) but if my sister was feeling as vulnerable as Kim probably was, I would definitely defend her actions publicly, to the point of expressing admiration even. I completely understand why Khloe said what she did (the emboldened sentences), and don’t assume that privately she mightn’t have better counsel.
Apart from that, completely agree with the article. But have to say Mia, please watch Mulan – she is a Disney heroine to aspire to.
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Sorry that was me – forgot to fill in name box first
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Agreed – Mulan is the best female Disney character. Have you seen both of the movies?
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No, haven’t seen the second – I was under the impression it was one of those sequels that just didn’t work. My kids are very fussy movie-watchers- even more so than they are with their food…..
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I watched the Pixar film Up! last night and would like to loudly proclaim that romance DOES exist – but it is not falling in love with dreams and superficiality, like KK thinks.
The way Carl and Ellie live out their lives is so romantic – they are so considerate of each other, and still snuggling and smiling when they are old and grey. They face hardships head on, and create a beautiful life for themselves. Now *that* is romance and it is real!
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Oh, isnt Up just the most lovely movie ever.
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I am a romantic with the bones of a realist. I love the idea of being swept off my feet but the deeper part of me will always ask “are you high??”. I loved fairytales as a kid but i never thought of them as something to aspire to, i was busy planning my dance career coupled with world domination (watch this space). The other problem too is that when faced with some one who calls themselves a hopeless romantic anything you say can be brushed off with claims that you don’t believe in love or that you are harsh uncaring and unfeeling. Or my personal favourite that you have a heart of stone.. It’s unpopular to not believe romantic love conquers all as opposed to solid perhaps slightly boring love being the stuff that keeps you together until you are old and grey
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My friend and I were talking about this recently! We actually were blaming rom-coms at the time for giving us unrealistic expectations on what our relationships should be. AND we came up with the same conclusion that it’s not the big over the top statements, such as:
being chased down the street in the pouring rain to have your partner declare his undying love for us underneath a blazing billboard with ‘will you marry me’ splashed across it. He sweeps you up in his arms, pulls you close before kissing you and giving you the tiffany ring. You begin to cry as he begins to cry as you utter yes to him – the crowd that has surrounded you begins to applaud….
Does this even happen? I’m not saying live without romance, but expect it in the gestures that really count. The day he took me down to the beach at sunset and packed a few beers, the day he bought me tickets to a concert that you wanted to go to but couldn’t afford, the day he cooks me a special dinner, the day he tells me that I are amazing and I can do that crazy plan I’ve imagined up. These are the things that are real. Not on a billboard, not in front of crowd, but at home on our weekends and week nights, during the small quiet moments that only we have together. These are the gestures that we should be basing our romance scale on and are more important than the grand gestures that movies have led us to believe that we think should happen…
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I totally agree with Mia’s post – there are such warped views fed to our little girls.
It’s funny I’ve always been a romantic in the understated way, growing up I loved it when I’d see my parents hold hands at the supermarket or going out to for a dinner ‘date’. And I’ve never been one to have over the top dreams about big white weddings. I hate it when people focus on the wedding rather than the marriage.
But I’ve now found myself going the other direction in an unsual way.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 years now. We’ve got a wonderful relationship, very real, been through multiple ‘diorrhea type’ tests, health problems, losing loved ones, moving home, buying houses, going through all the usual changes in life together. We’ve discussed getting married in the next couple of years, and now I find myself getting excited about the wedding rather than the marriage.
I’ve already got the ‘marriage’. We have had it for some years now and along the way we’ve committed to one another for good. We know that implicitly and have outright discussed it.
So now I am looking forward to the wedding for the wedding itself, it’ll be a wonderful celebration with all our loved ones for what we’ve had and continue to have.
So maybe my view of what is romantic hasn’t changed – just my idea of what consitutes a ‘marriage’ and what the wedding means
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I am 25 and have never been in Love
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I hadn’t either at 25 – don’t worry
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Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Because right now it feels like i’ll be alone forever (pathetic i know) and it (to put it eloquently) really sucks!
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Yes there is light! I remember thinking the exact same thing at 25… but I did meet someone wonderful, and five years later, he is my husband. It’s hard to meet people who are in the same place, looking for the same thing at the same time as you … but it’ll happen, just be sure to be looking out for it! When I met my husband he was different to my past love interests, and not quite who I expected to fall for, but I’m so glad that I gave it a chance. I’m not saying everyone is the same, but sometimes you have to be open to it when he comes along. This is on a different topic, but don’t romantic commedies and Disney have this in common: you grow up beleiving that when you meet the man of your dreams he will fit an internal set of criteria that you might not even know you believed in… and maybe disguising the undercover prince when he comes along… just an idea..! But Kristalilly, I’m sure there is a lovely boy that’s just waiting to meet you!
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Thanks Meg! it’s nice to know that there are happy endings out there (to go along with the fairytale theme).
At this point in time i feel im open to anything and its just finding it that is the issue
I do think Disney and romantic comedies put an unrealistic ideal out there that everything you hope for in a relationship can come true, but i think relationships grow and are worked on.
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Short answer: yes! My boyfriend and I *both* felt this way before we met. Work on yourself and on living a happy and contented life and things will happen
Hugs to you xx
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I didn’t fall in love until I was 25 . I am 27 and it only lasted two years , I was still in love .
It will happen ! I sometimes wonder if I will die alone too. it will happen for us !
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This is really hard to say but as much as I love my husband I WISH someone had brought up the topic of marriage counselling before we got married 2 years ago. I got caught up in my own little fairytale, My husband rescued me from a a bad relationship, we fell deeply in lust and got married a year later. Now, 2 years down the track we are only just getting to know each other and I can honestly say its hard! we don’t work well as a team and we stay together because we are committed to marriage and each other. has anyone else been in the same situation? or does anyone think couples counselling would help?
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This happens to a lot of people but good on you EllaBella for sticking it out. Marriage is hard and even if you aren’t perfect together I don’t think that necessarily means you won’t be able to have a happy marriage. My husband and I have many differences but we work it out, we fight and make up and in no way are we a fairy tale but when I married him I meant it and I won’t give up without a fight. Counselling would be a good idea for you and hey it can’t hurt right?
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I think couples counselling would definitely help – there are usually a number of courses running through various organisations.
If you are more of a do-it-yourself person, have a look at Gottman’s Marital Therapy text – it is a therapist training manual, but you can definitely work through it together and get lots of benefit.
goodluck
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absolutely recommend it.
sometimes you can get weekend and things through local churches. you don’t have to be religious, it is just about learning to communicate your needs.
a really good idea, esp if you are planning kids as that can really stretch and already overstretched relationship.
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I know this is not an article about the Kardasians (don’t care if that not how you spell it) but how do those people even get publicity. I have always refused to read anything about them or watch anything they are on simply because they are not interesting and nor have they ever done anything interesting enough for me to acknowledge them. They are parasites if you ask me and even because they were referenced in this post I stopped reading it properly and just skipped through it. The fact that she was on the radio talking about her marriage and you all listened is exactly what is WRONG with the world.
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“Kim’s fairytale wedding” says it all doesn’t it? As opposed to, “Kim and Kris’s marriage”. The later sounds positively dull, doesn’t it? And not really appropriate in this case as the ‘union’ appeared to be about one ‘hopeless romantic’ committing to a childish dream (and lots of white decor) instead of two people proclaiming their commitment to each other and the continued nurturing of a solid relationship (…and surely that should be considered truly ‘hopelessly’ romantic!).
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I agree Mia- a great post. I think over the years of our relationship (just celebrated our 9th anniversary), my engineer and I have redefined what “romance” is to us. I used to get upset that he didn’t always post on facebook about his undying love for me, or send me flowers to my office. But, our romance is private, special, and specific to us. Things like-
- Going to bed to lay and cuddle every afternoon when we get home
- Going for a walk to the water and sitting together to talk about our day
- Massaging my hands at night as we lay on the couch
- Getting me a cup of water before we go to bed, even though I never drink it
- Watching our favourite TV shows ALWAYS together (survivor, amazing race)
I’m sure to the untrained eye, this just looks like daily life. But to us it is our special romance integrated into our committed lives and I couldn’t live without it.
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I agree Bunny (and Mia). It used to bother me that my husband stopped ‘wooing’ me once we had been together for a while, but now (10 years later) I so appreciate the lovely little things in our life that are special for us. They show that we know each other and care for each other.
I wish you and your partner a lifetime of continuous moments like you’ve listed.
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I’m getting married in 3 months time, and in the hoopla surrounding my wedding I have realised how often I have to justify the “unusual” way we are going about things. Sure I could have spent hundreds of dollars on invitations. Instead I spent about 50 on dvds and had a home movie of my kids inviting everyone to see our family get married. Because I am creating a new family, not just a new couple. And our vows have REAL promises in them like not going to bed angry with each other, and always kissing each other goodbye as we start our separate work days. I love this article and am going to send people here to read it after they give me a funny look when I answer their question “are you looking forward to the wedding” with “no, I can’t wait for every day after it because I’m looking forward to being MARRIED”.
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Oh Mia, I can sheepishly admit I was listening to that interview also and had the same thoughts.
It was interesting that after Khloe said how she admired Kim’s fairytale view of marriage she stated that she “didn’t have that” same idealised view. However, what Khloe does have is a more realistic and certainly longer lasting (so far) marriage. Which reinforces your point that fairytale romance and successful adult relationships are not necessarily compatible.
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When Jim and I were engaged, the priest who was to marry us (yes, Father Kilbride) told us we had to go to marriage prep classes a priest mate of his ran in Nth Sydney, where we lived at the time. We groaned, but agreed to go – and thank God we did. It was better than any reality TV. This priest ran dinner parties (BYO wine) for 6 engaged couples and he would sit at the head of the table and – it would seem – try to pick fights. ‘So, Tracy,’ he’d say to one girl, ‘When Michael’s parents get old and sick, how would you feel if they lived with you?’ Or to me, ‘Kate, who is going to take charge of the money in your family?’ Or to a bloke, ‘Phil, how would you feel if Karen’s job meant moving to Perth?’ It was amazing how many people were engaged and wanted only to talk about posies on pews and reading selections. This priest was right on the money – he jarred people into talking about the shit that tests couples. As the brilliant Bern Morely said once, ‘Marriage is about being able to hack each other on a day to day basis.’
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and people claim priests have no idea
loved your story!
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My parents did the same but my mum said after the priest spoke to my dad privately he advised against the marriage but they just celebrate 40 yrs together so i guess there is something to be said for my parental stubborness
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Your priest sounds like a very wise man. Good thing he didn’t let his surname deter him from his calling
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Yep, we had to have 5 meetings with out priest pre-marriage.
Initially ours wanted us to do a test where we filled out a multiple choice survey, then send it away and a computer would send us a back a % of compatibility … we questioned if the computer’s name was Dexter and he decided we were past that (after 5 years together, so did we!)
He then wanted to know what we argued about. We explained we’d moved ourselves 4 times without the help of removalists; that I barrack for Collingwood and my husband is a Carlton supporter. My husband grew up playing rugby union – I didn’t understand why they got to kick the ball out on the full AND throw it back in; I’m an AFL supporter, my husband doesn’t understand why they get a point for missing … there wasn’t much we hadn’t argued about which stemmed from any of the above situations/discussions.
He decided we were marriage material.
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I used to be a hopeless romantic. I had myself convinced that “love” could conquer anything (and everything) and that if I just stayed in the horrible relationship I was in and got married to him, everything would be ok – because surely getting married would solve everything! (Right?)
Fast forward a few years, and I’m now engaged to a wonderful man who respects me, listens to me, comforts me, argues with me, annoys me and most importantly – really loves me. We’re both in individual therapy, and I can’t tell you how useful it’s been in working through relationship issues, and learning how to actually communicate.
I live a new “fairytale” now – one that doesn’t end with a big wedding, but that continues on to a life of ups and downs, growth, communication (and miscommunication), intimacy (“into/me/see”) and love. I am now a HOPEFUL romantic!
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Yay for hopeful romantics!
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I love that. Am going to refer to myself as a “hopeful” romantic too xx
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Don’t marry anyone until you’ve suffered a bout of diarrhoea while they are in the house. Until a relationship has passed the diarrhoea test, it isn’t a real relationship.
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I love this comment. LOVE.
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OOh yes! Or the moving test. All couples must box up their belongings, and shift their own furniture by packing it into only a ute or car & trailer, and then place in new abode BY THEMSELVES. If you can get through teh argumetns baout how to a) pack things in boxes; b) lift things that are heavy; c) negotiate doorways (narrow ones) with each at one end of a couch; d) pack the boot/back seat of a vehicle in a way in which the other approves of the use of space/the way things are stacked … and you are still together at the end of it … THEN get married!
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oh god. Mr Whippersnapper and I moved without removalists when we moved into together. Merged two houses into one. My couch wouldn’t fit through the door. He wanted his ugly quilt on our bed…oh GOSH! F-ING nightmare, I was like “what have I done, I should just split up with this bloke!”.
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We had a house where our couches were millimetre perfect to only just fit through the door, we had to take the pictures off the wall to fit it down the hallway, rotate it 90 degrees, carrying it 1/2 way back up the hallway and slide it through the loungeroom door – bottom first.
One of our couches is a 130kg sofa bed. We moved ourselves in and out almost got divorced before we got married!!
Our priest pre-marriage asked if we ever argued. We recounted this story (and the fact he supports Carlton and I support Collingwood). He had no issue marrying us.
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I’ll see that and raise you. I once spent an entire weekend interstate with my now husband, his brother and girlfriend staying at his Aunty and Uncle’s house and all 6 of us got food poisoning and were vomitting and had diarrhea.
The house had 1 bathroom.
And the Aunty and Uncle had 2 young children.
Worse weekend ever!
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Gold!!
I’ve always said you can never rely marry someone until you’ve seen them at their best and at their worst cause then you can see how they deal (do they involve you or shut you out, to they require your support or you to rescue them, to they share celebrations with you or gloat). Likewise for yourself!
I can’t STAND the line “the complete me” because this means you’re incomplete to begin with or you’re not enough as a person alone. I prefer the term, “they allow me to be a complete version of myself”.
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Or you have assembled an Ikea Expedit bookcase together…
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Done that! Wasn’t pretty, but we’re still together
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Done that!
Also my boyfriend got a bad case of adult chicken pocks and I bathed and coated his sores everyday for a week and he is a rather “private” person with his health issues.
So I think that made us closer in a weird way. I mean these spots were EVERYWHERE!
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Travel in a foreign country together…
I totally want to do amazing race with mr cat, with his sense of direction, my brains, our short form communication style… We would kick ass!
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Great article Mia.
I think I will be reading ‘The Paper Bag Princess’ and ‘Princess Smartpants’ to my girls tonight. Great stories about princesses, where there isnt always a wedding or a ‘happily ever after’ at the end.
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i love the paper bag princess. my daughter always squeals at the “you are a bum” line.
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Hehehe, I’ve been reading The Paperbag Princess to my kids (boy and girl) since they were days old! Love it!
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How have I not heard of these books?!
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Princess Smartypants!! I love that book, how she lives happily ever after unmarried and with her crocodile pet!
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I understand exactly what you and others are trying to warn about with the Disney Princess ideal. The fact of the matter is, our children will be bombarded with mixed messages by the media their whole lives.
So instead of ignoring it, or worrying about it, use it as a tool!
Growing up, every night my brother and I would wash the dishes with my dad and he would direct our conversation. He was not blatant about it and I was in my teens before I realised what he was really doing.
Often the conversation would include what we had watched/read recently and how it applied to real life. But he wasn’t lecturing, he was encouraging us to speak and questioning our opinions. So from a very young age I had a clear separation of fantasy and reality, and I could consciously identify when I was receiving a message from the media that was inappropriate.
Your child is capable from a very young age of discussing these things. We’re not a family of savants, just regular people.
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I really like that idea! I wish my parents had had similar conversations with me during my “Twilight” phase…
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Really really like this post Mia.
I consider myself a true romantic – but i have redefined what romantic means, to myself.
To me i have never fantasised about my wedding day – i hope to elope or just do a registry wedding than bbq – and for a long time i never wanted to get married either, after my parents disturbing example, and so many others around me.
But as ive grown older and learned so much about myself, my life, my relationships, and what i want for myself, this is what romance is to me.
There is nothing more romantic than promising to share your life with someone forever, especially in this day and age, because i guarantee there will be times when you will hate your spouse, and they will hate you. There will be times when you want to leave. Both of you. There will be times when the ‘rest of your life’ feels too hard and too long. You will show each other the very best of yourselves, and the very worst parts of your character.
But life, love and marriage is cyclical, and if you hold on, stay strong, and take it just one day at a time, especially in the tough times, when you come through it (and you ALWAYS will if you stay in it, stay open, stay curious, keep learning, and hold true to your vows and each other), you will come through it stronger, better, happier, with a deeper more connected love, each and every time.
Is there anything more romantic than that? I cant think of anything.
That said, i may never be lucky enough to share my life with someone. I hope very much it is in the cards for me. But if its not, im peaceful and happy and content and secure, because ive still been lucky enough to know love.
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Wow, edlie, what a great comment. I feel exactly the same way!
I hope it’s on the cards for you too; you sound lovely and a great catch.
P.S. I have found those resilience tips now and am happy to send them to you directly if you’d like.
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I agree with you Mia. While I have nothing to say on the whole “older mothers being selfish” debate that went on a few weeks back, the fertility doctor saying women should “settle for mr not so perfect” resonated with me. Not because women should settle as such, but because far too many women I know have unrealistic expectations of men and relationships, neither of which are perfect.
Having said that, my husband is pretty close! And as Carrie Bradshaw said “Even if the tsa tsa tsu
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Disappears from a relationship, at least you have the memory of the tsa tsa tsu”. And I agree, the memories of how crazy in love I was and still am with my husband are often what get us through the really hard times.
So I guess I am a romantic, but a realist – life is no fairytale but it can be pretty darn great if you work at it.
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I understand what you are saying here Mia but there is a lot good that somes from the intensity of those first few months of love.
I mean, by the sounds of things you and your husband had what some might call a wirlwind romance. Of course you knew each others values etc and thats what has made it last but you can’t say that the initial romance and toxicity of the honeymoon period didn’t carry you along for a while.
I actually think that it can work the other way. My best friends parents have been happily married for 30 years and they have said that when they went through some bad times through the years it was the memory of the intensity of their love when they first met that helped carry them through the ebs and flows of their relationship.
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Oh, I so agree about relationship skills being taught in schools! Relationships are tricky, and with the internet etc. some of them just get trickier. You can get past a poor education but if you can’t have functional relationships (of any kind), you’ll be a very unhappy adult.
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I think once the hormone high of lust has died down a little is when you really begin to “see” your partner. For me it was about the 2 year mark. He was still the same person who I fell in love with but when the lust goggles came off I started to notice things that annoyed me. Not major character flaws just little things. I then thought well I’m not perfect by a long shot and neither is anyone else. We have flaws that eachother can live with, and after 11 years together I can tell you that’s pretty important! I love my man more than ever and what we have is deep and real.
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I couldn’t agree more. This post = exactly how I feel about all of this (Kim & relationships).
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Three words – “Pre-teens reading Twilight”.
I know it wasn’t the beginning of the “fairytale” stuff, but it has had a massive impact on young girls. I know this because five of my closet friends, and my husband are all primary or secondary teachers, and the discussions they have had to have with girls reading these books over the last few years…it’s crazy. My friend who teaches Year 7 kids had to stress time and time again that breaking into someone’s home to watch them sleep is actually NOT ok, or romantic, or showing everylasting love! It’s actually kind of pervy, and against the law. She also had to dissaude boys who then thought this was something they should be doing! Incredible but true.
I definitely agree with teaching relationship skills somehow, but I do believe that begins at home, with hopefully a stable and open parental (or at least parental figure) relationship that can be observed and learnt from. One of the most important thins is how to argue/disagree effectively and then how to move on and make things normal again. So many relationships end because people don’t know how to respectfully argue (me included until recent years) and this is a HUGE part of a life together with someone.
I don’t know much about the Kardashians, but I think she probably married for love (or the idea of being in love). The amount of money spent on the wedding makes my stomach churn, but then the same amount probably wenty through the TAB on Tuesday, so I can’t make much of it.
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I haven’t read Twilight and thus would never have made the connection- so thank you! My 9yo is a voracious reader and is already casting glances at twilight at the library. Will keep her well away from it.
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I think reading it together and explaining the issues is a good way to let her read it and teach her about romance and relationships at the same time. If she shows interest in wanting to read it, that is how other friends have handled it with their pre-teen kids.
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But that would mean *I* would have to read it- something I’ve thankfully avoided so far!
Point taken. My daughter reads so quickly (an average size novel a day) that I have given up trying to read everything she does, and as a result have had a few nasty suprises (“Mum, what’s a lap dancer?”- This was in a book by the British Children’s laureate). That said, if she really MUST read Twilight I’ll make sure I talk about it with her- forewarned is forearmed.
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hahaha! Oh no!!! That’s hilarious!
You could always just google Twilight themes or something – I’m sure by now there is some kind of deconstruction/crib notes available that will at least give you the major themes and how to deal with them. Then you never have to actually READ it! (Some times I think it’s several days worth of reading that I will never get back.)
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Don’t let her read it at 9! It is not a book for 9 year olds, it is a teenage book. I have a 9 year old daughter and there are plenty of good books out there for them, just because she is a good reader does not make her mature enough for the themes of a teenager’s book. I am just saying you need not resist for ever but I wouldn’t recommend it for a primary school aged child. Keep resisting for a few years yet, while I don’t feel the book is ‘evil’ I do think allowing a 9 year old child to read it would be unnecessarily contributing to the sexualisation of our young girls and there is enough of this in our culture anyway with out adding to it.
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No, I won’t! I agree with you. She is very happily immersed in the Emily Windsnap series this week, which is totally age-appropriate and seems well written. Mermaids, yes, but say no to vampires!
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There’s also something very wrong with someone who is hundreds of years old chasing teen girls.
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And that creepy ‘imprinting’ thing in the last book.
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‘Imprinting’ on babies don’t forget. Eeeewww!!!
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And breaking into their bedroom and watching them sleep.
And the whole if you have pre-marital sex you will die message.
And how it normalises angst and pain in a relationship and calls that love.
I could go on. Thankfully my 13yo daughter listened to me rant one too many times about these crappy books and read one chapter before declaring it the most boring, poorly written book she had come across.
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I love your daughter x
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saw a trajic sight last week. A teen mum wearing a team Edward t shirt pushing a stroller. I also think its creepy how the mothers scream with their daughters when Edward takes his shirt off. I was told this by someone who went to see the movie. My daughter read the first book and thought it was demeaning of girls and may be the authors mormon beliefs may be an influence
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I enjoyed Twilight, mostly with the hindsight of being an older female and knowing what being a young and insecure girl feels like – I can imagine that it is not good to read it when at a formative stage.
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Although I have a love/hate relationship with the series, i was the same. With the hindsight of experience and the ability to reflect on my own “first love” I was able to take the book as the fictional supernatural romance STORY that it was.
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DON’T get me started on twilight and romance! I have friends in their early 20′s who think it’s romantic. It’s not. It’s unhealthy. Well demonstrated though this blogger who actually took a list of signs of domestic abuse from the American National Domestic Hotline and held it up next to Edward and Bella. It terrifies me that there are SO MANY girls and women who think of Edward as prince charming.
http://current.com/1tq5q4c
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I LOVE that link!!!!
My 12 year old sister loved all the Twilight books and even though she hates all the twi-hard girls (thank goodness for my influence), I still kind of worry about her perception of this as a normal relationship. Particularly when it has so many supporters.
Hopefully she’s as strong as I think she is and that she can look at the examples around her and not that of a poorly edited money-maker.
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There was an article in the Age a couple of months ago that asked if Edward was a psychopath.
I would say yes.
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agree to the max. Seriously, I don’t even watch the Kardashians and i might be the last female that to know that kim is filing a divorce, but i really think there’s something really wrong with today’s relationship system. People marry, making the vow “for better for worse… from this day onwards.. till death do us apart.” and they are thinking of divorce as their emergency exit. if you are thinking you can escape by divorce, don’t get married in the first place…
maybe there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, and the grass on the other side (i.e. being single again, or perhaps your friend’s relationship…) might look better, but commitment is also a part of relationship…
I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in fairy tales, but I don’t believe that the prince charming will just come and we will happily ever after. instead, I believe in investing in relationship, trying hard to make it work… besides, whether it is a perfect relationship or not, it depends on which angle you want to look at it. it’s a matter of choice…
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Completely agree – One of the best bits of advice we were given as an engaged couple from older couples who had strong marriages was that Love is always a choice, and not always a feeling. Working through the tough times is what makes a marriage stronger and better. I think it’s also important to focus on how you can be a good spouse and bless your partner rather than focusing on what you want from your partner – if both partners do this it can completely change the dynamic of the relationship (not that you can’t talk about your own needs/wants as well).
I think it would also be good if all engaged couples had to go through a ‘marriage preparation course’ before tying the knot. We did an Alpha Engagement Course and we learnt about conflict resolution, love languages, the importance of making time for each other etc – it taught us a few things which, when we remember them, make a huge impact. It also reinforced the fact that marraiges are works in progress and not always easy (although infinitely rewarding). We just did the Marriage Course and it was fabulous.
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I love that comment – love is always a choice, not always a feeling. So true!
I often have to repeat this to myself: that love is a giving word. The times you can’t be bothered, are getting irritated by silly things, the times you’d rather be selfish/lazy/a bitch – I try and remember that love is a verb, a doing word.
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Thanks misskatedaily – I try to remember it every day too!
About a year ago my husband and I went through a pretty rough patch which was the culmination of a few issues made 100x worse due to lack of communication. I think many people would have walked away but what kept us hanging on was, frankly, a choice to honour that commitment. Eventually we came through stronger than ever. I think that too many people walk away too easily nowadays (although many people also walk away after doing everything they can to save their marriage)
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Love is a choice and not always a feeling.
I want to remember that. Thank-you for sharing!
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Yeah, I agree it is a brilliant comment. So wise.
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A choice not a feeling- I love that comment too!
I’ve been married 17 years (together 7 before that) and it’s fair to say that not all of it has been romantic. Some of it, in fact, we barely made through by the skin of our teeth… but (gag alert) I honestly love my husband more now than I did back then, and respect him 1000 times more (and the two are distinctly related). He’s put in the work & the committment- and what I love now after 24 years together is that we have such a great history, so much that’s been shared and enjoyed or endured together. You can’t replace that. We have a story, a narrative and *that’s* the most romantic thing in the world.
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Ok agree with everything in this article except for the comment it should be taught in schools. Look don’t get me wrong this is valuable lesson for every child to be taught but why it is that as soon as we agree that all children should be taught something that we follow it with it should be taught at school?
For the record I am not a Teacher and I dont have children but it really starts to irk me that we expect Teachers and Schools to teach our children everything! We already place so much pressure on our education system to teach our children so much yet we keep raising the expectations for them more and more every day.
Why can’t we say the Media should take responsibility for teaching our children this? Or parents? Sorry I realise this is a whole other issue….. just something that really gets under my skin. How can the schools ever be good enough if we as a society just keep adding more and more on there plate?
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i agree, things like values, and emotional and relationship skills should be taught by parents/family because each family holds their own values that may differ from a generic one that people seem to want to be taught in schools.
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I guess the suggestion is that by teaching it in schools you can make sure that every child IS actually taught those things (rather than leaving it up to parents who may not do so). If you agree that it is important to all society, then you agree that everyone should learn it. The only way to make sure of that is to add it to the education system.
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I get your point but Teachers have limited hours in the day with the kids. it wouldn’t even add up to 6 hours face to face time. So what are we meant to sacrifice every time we add another lesson to the cirriculum? Either kids need to attend school for longer every day or we will need to sacrifice other lessons in order to fit every thing we need in school.
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Yep, I gotcha. I’d be all for sacrificing science myself
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Personally I would sacrifice science too
But then again I suppose all those scientists working on cure’s for cancer and the like do come in handy…..
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I blame Disney. I see it working its rubbish on my girls. Freaks me out.
Wife says its ok, but I know that stuff was floating around when we got married.
Got a sense that some little girls switch had been flicked on and I was part of some Disney fairytale thing in her mind. (The wedding that is, not the reason for marriage)
Fortunately we are happily married, love each other to bits and that trumps all, but I’ll happily burn all the old Disney dvds in the house.
but I’m just now the grumpy sea king demanding Ariel do as I say though..
wait what??
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Just make sure they see Enchanted and Ella Enchanted as well
Just wait until they’re 10 and watching all kinds of cynical cartoons – then you’ll sigh over the Disney fantasies…
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Actually I don’t mind Enchanted and the girls do like it too. Good to see girl characters who are a little more feisty and less reliant on getting the Prince.
And anything by Pixar.
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The Princess and the Frog! Strong heroine.
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suburbman – love it. lol
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Can I also say Grease had the most terrible message I have seen in a movie ever:
“Basically you have to change everything you are to get the guy you like!”
That is why I really don’t like that movie!
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true – but he tried to change too, so at least there was equality
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I am very happily married to my second husband.
The fact that I have to call him my second husband saddens me.
I went into my first marriage, as a 28yr old, who had lived with my partner, bought a house, lived the day-to day, there was no fairytale….it was about wanting to deepen the already strong bond.
I didn’t opt into the fairytale at all, I got married overseas, with my 2 sisters as witnesses, to appease my mother I had a “wedding dress”, she couldn’t come to the wedding, so I let her have the fun of choosing a dress with me, and making a wedding cake. My whole wedding cost very little. We came home to Australia & had a cocktail party with our family & friends to celebrate.
For various reasons, our marriage only lasted 5 years (we had been together for 9.5 years before we married). To say I was devastated by our divorce is a serious understatement.
My separation (accompanied by marriage counselling) & divorce coincided with the Jennifer Aniston/Brad Pitt fiasco. I watched this unfold with fascination. How do you cope with a marriage that on the outside appeared strong, falling apart in public? How do you maintain dignity, when it is apparent that your husband prefers another woman to you (also the reason for my divorce)?
And my biggest question – how do you reconcile the expense & over-the-top nature of so many weddings, with the soon-after divorce (many haven’t even finished writing thank-you notes for gifts!)?
I eventually sorted myself out, got on with my life, met an amazing man & married again. This time with even less fuss & bother than the first go around.
I have always been of the opinion that there should be more time spent on planning & talking about the marriage than the wedding.
My second marriage is strong, it’s no fairytale, but it is grounded in love, respect, desire, hard-work & commitment.
I don’t have an album full of stunning wedding photos, I don’t have friends and family talking about the glorious dress, gorgeous flowers, sumptuous feast, amazing decorations & funky music. When they comment on my second wedding, they talk about how wonderful it was, what a surprise. No-one knew we were getting married, they thought they were coming to a 1st birthday party, they talk about the love that was obvious between my husband and I, the friendship between us & the care we obviously show for one another. To me, that is better than all the frippery (& expense)!
Let’s focus more on the marriage & less on the wedding.
My 2c.