BY MIA FREEDMAN
The first time I was sexually harassed at work, I didn’t know what it was. Same with the second and third and fourth times.
It happened when I was working as a waitress in a restaurant after I’d left school. The owner was a loud, charismatic European guy in his 50s with a big family and there were two waitresses, me and another girl.
It began as comments about my appearance – often in his own language which he would helpfully translate. “Beautiful wet girl” he would growl at me sexually as I walked past him throughout the night between the restaurant floor and the kitchen.
It was annoying and off-putting and it made me intensely uncomfortable. Later, it would make me quite scared. But I had no name for it. “He’s a bit of a sleaze” I said to the other waitress one night when we were out of earshot. She nodded and rolled her eyes. She’d been there longer than me but she was on a working visa so she knew her position was more tenuous.
I decided the best approach was to ignore his comments which were growing more full-on with each shift I worked.
He then started brushing up against me in the kitchen – away from the eyes of customers who all thought he was a large and lively legend- after I’d cleared tables. My arms were full so I couldn’t push him away. It happened a couple of times, at which point I quit. I had begun to dread going to work and was starting to feel unsafe.
It never occurred to me to report him or lodge some kind of official complaint. To my 18 year old mind, he was just a sleazy guy being a sleaze and I just had to cop it. It’s not like the restaurant had an HR department.
How times have changed. Sexual harrassment is now widely recognised as a crime. You can’t pinch the bottom of a female (or male) employee or co-worker. You can’t make suggestive comments or sexual propositions.
I’m thrilled that no daughter or niece of mine will have to quit her job because of sexual harassment. Or will she?
The Australian Human Rights Commission describes sexual harassment as” any unwanted or unwelcome sexual behaviour, which makes a person feel offended, humiliated or intimidated.” It is not interaction flirtation or friendship – it is sexual discrimination.
Despite the fact that is has now been outlawed in Australia for over 25 years (can you imagine working conditions before then?) it is still a huge problem, with 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men affected. And equally appalling is the fact that there is still a huge onus on the victim to prove sexual harassment and regardless of gender (as we’ve seen with this week’s allegations by James Ashby against federal MP Peter Slipper – read more about that here), the accuser is often targeted by dirt and slurs on their character.
Too often the victim becomes the accused.
ABC Online reported on a new study that found that complainants are far more likely to leave the company than the alleged perpetrators. A study by the Centre for Work and Life at the University of South Australia examined every formal complaint lodged with anti-discrimination bodies in all states and the Commonwealth in the second half of 2009.
Paula McDonald, one of the report’s authors and an Associate Professor at the Queensland University of Technology says of the perpetrator “Sometimes they receive a formal sanction, sometimes they resign or are dismissed by the organisation, but in this study only 10 per cent of perpetrators resigned or were dismissed compared to 60 per cent of complainants who ended up resigning or who were dismissed as a consequence of victimisation after making a complaint.”
And when asked about the actual victims, Paula says “Potential complainants are very much aware of… the repercussions that might come their way, the negative fallout that often happens when they make a complaint in an organisation or elsewhere. Certainly… those potential detriments or perceived detriments serve to silence a lot of complainants who would otherwise file a formal grievance. “
So how far have we really come?
Have you ever been the victim of sexual harassment at work? Have you reported it? How was it handled?
Comments
141 Comments so far
What about at uni? By a thesis supervisor? It was awkward because if I left that was the end of my degree and it was important to me. I complained and other staff started to bully me, students also found out and they did the same. I had to complete honours off campus but in doing so had to accept a unit in modern rather than ancient history. My complaint was investigated for 3 months and the uni appointed investigator started to say to me close to her decision that I had made it all up. I’m not sure why I would do that given the consequences of complaining, and my academic record. He still teaches, he never was disciplined at all. I ended up getting first class honours, won a scholarship to a more prestigious uni to do my phd, and have just completed it. I teach at that uni and am completely respected there. I decided I would never treat my students the way I had been treated. I studied at Oxford last year and fulfilled my dream to do that. In the end I thought the best revenge was absolute success.
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i was constantly sexually harrassed in my job for years, when i finally had the guts to say something to him to stop, it went down hill so quickly. i found myself in tears most days because i was being bullied, and eventually i was “fired” because of a made up story he blew up to get rid of me. He knows i can’t do anything about it as I’m so broke its not funny, i was supporting 5 kids on my wage and thats the only reason i put up with him for so long. now he gets away with it and i don’t have money for lawyers to fight him. its a hard call i guess, if i didn’t say anything id still be able to feed my kids?
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i used to be a waitress but it was the customers who were inappropriate. we had to put napkins on the customers legs and the male customers would always thrust their crutch towards you as you did it. it got very old very quickly….
my friend used to do the brekky shift at a local expensive hotel. she said it was always the male customers that ordered room service. always answer the door in their towel/robe or naked and invite her in to join them! she hated it!
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Happened to me in my first full time job. I was 18 general office admin girl he was probably around 40 something and a marketing executive. I often had to work back late. It started with coming up behind me when I was typing on the computer and giving me ‘massages’. I hated it but other people were around and no-one seemed bothered. Weeks later he gave me a gift of a bottle of alcohol because I had to work a 16 hour shift to help the company out. I felt uncomfortable accepting the gift but my supervisor (a woman) thought it was fine and insisted I take the gift and not be rude. Progressed to one evening when I was carrying a box of computer equipment he came up and made the gesture as though he was going to grab my breasts. I dropped the box which he then helped me pick up. He then followed me into a room where we were alone and made insinuations that if i was ‘a good girl’ I would get extra company benefits such as get to sit in the corporate box at certain events. I told my mother. My mother made me complain. I ended up resigning but my mother and I went in and made a full complaint to management. They fell over backwards trying to offer me a higher paid role in the company etc etc. I said no and just asked that they do something about him. Months later I received a very carefully worded apology from him that the company sent in the mail. Looking back now I realise that the company was petrified and that they MUST have realised that I was genuine when I took no action against them. However, as far as I’m aware he did not lose his job. At 18 I knew what it was, I complained about it & stood up for myself but I didn’t stay in the job. I wasn’t able to sleep nights during the whole time that was going on and it affected my whole life. If it happened to me now I would expect him to be fired.
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Not at work, but at school!!
My guitar teacher was a bit sleazy, would make remarks, and tell jokes of a sexual nature. A couple of times he’d touch my leg…
Like Mia, at the time I wasn’t sure what it was, or that it was sexual harassment – until I studied it at law school. At the time we’d just remark to eachother “oh he’s a bit of a sleaze”. Some of the other girls even had a crush on him and some of them were jealous because he showed an interest in me! But i knew it didn’t feel right, and quit lessons with him for another teacher.
This all happened when I was in years 8-10. Then when I was in year 12, I was having practice with him and another girl, practicing for a HSC performance. He touched my leg, quite high on my thigh (maybe middle thigh?) I mentioned it to my boyfriend who was furious. I guess until I’d heard his reaction, and him begging me to report him I didn’t realise how serious his actions actually were.
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My daughter was sexually harassed in the Australian Army by an officer, to the extent that he would follow her through the army barrack roads in his car, block her from leaving the tea room by standing at the doorway and asking her personal questions.
She ended up very distressed, complained to her superiors…and was sent for counseling as having a vivid imagination.
I actually wrote this story to channel 7…but obviously they were far more interested in crooked builders and the price of groceries at the time to bother with it.
My daughter was transferred out of that unit as being a troublemaker, a tag which followed her the next 2 years along with her file. By the time she left last year she was a wreck.
She even had a female officer blow smoke in her face and tell her she was a troublemaker..when she complained, guess what? yep! she was sent for counseling again and double tagged as a troublemaker.
I’m so glad she’s over all that rubbish, has a great civilian job, a lovely boyfriend and has at last, regained her self esteem…no thanks to the Australian Army.
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Susan that is so disturbing. I hope your daughter finds much happiness out of the Army.
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Just some advice – if no charges were placed then a comment like this can be seen as defermation. You probably shouldn’t be naming the Army
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*defamation
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My first full time job was as a hotel receptionist. One evening there were staff drinks in one of the function rooms. I headed up after I finished work for a drink and then decided to go home. A colleague of mine (one of the managers) got into the same lift as me and then stopped the life , dragged me out of the elevator and begged me to have sex with him as he tried to drag me into a vacant room. I managed to push him away and left but didnt make a report or anything. I felt powerless as a lowly receptionist against a manager… I did end up quitting soon after though because of it.
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When I was about 15 I was working at Woolies, and I had to bend down to pick something up off the ground. My male supervisor standing nearby leered at me and said “While you’re down there…….”. I was so embarassed and never felt comfortable around him again, but I never reported him.
I still shudder when I think of this incident.
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Funny (sort of) but the same thing happened to me in my job in a music store!! I however was 25 and I did report him immediatly to my HR manager. Unfortunately my HR Manager just insisted he apologise, and that I accept. I still had to work with him, nothing happened to him at all!!
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I’m thinking back on my career, and I don’t think I have personally ever been sexually harassed. My work colleagues and I have had many inappropriate conversations at work about sexual matters, but none of us ever felt offended or humiliated etc.
I have personally witnessed what I would describe as low level sexual harassment – usually in the form of a partner dragging one of the attractive juniors onto the dance floor at a Christmas party (but dancing only).
One partner I worked for years ago was notorious for having a crack at attractive colleagues, but he seemed to only ask them once and if he was knocked back he didn’t bother them again or treat them any differently.
I have, however, been the victim of sexual discrimination and have seen many instances of sexual discrimination. But that is not the topic for today.
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Yes I have. I didn’t report it, but someone else did, and the perpetrator lost his job. He then confronted me and got angry, and wanted me to call our employer and say what a good person he was. He said he was my friend, but then treated me inappropriately. I deleted my fb profile as a result as I wanted to get away from him. Unfortunately he is ‘friends’ with some of my friends. This happened 9 months ago and I still feel upset about it. I feel I should have been stronger, but then I think, I shouldn’t be upset. He was the one who behaved inappropriately. I am considered starting a new website/ blog geared towards empowerment as I have a daughter and I want her to feel stronger than me. I found out from a friend that he has been charged with sexual harrassment in the past as well.
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If you do start a website on female empowerment let me know! That and confidence seem to be the two things that hold women back so much
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When I was 15-18 I worked at a stable. In the early days the man who ran the stables would pin me up against the shed wall and kind of, push, at me. It never lasted long. He asked me if I liked it and I said no. He told me I did. I didn’t tell the owner, but he didn’t last too long. I don’t know if one of the older stable hands told the owner or not. I didn’t feel scared, but I was very happy to see him go. The next man who took the position was a grandfatherly type and he was a joy to have around.
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I was sexually harassed a few times early on in my career. Just a couple of examples:
In my first job after leaving school, I received a lot of unwanted attention from my much older male boss (whose wife was my other boss). It started out with lots of suggestive comments – asking me if I could help him ‘relax’ after a stressful meeting, taking me on business trips and plying me with alcohol, then trying to seduce me etc., then one night at a studio party, while his drunk wife was passed out in another room, he plied me with cocaine (I was sixteen at the time) and started kissing me. We ended up having a six month affair, but in hindsight, I was not completely willing, and went along with things as I was naive and worried about losing my job. I had a breakdown one day after being screamed at by my boss in front of all the other staff, and left the office, never to return.
As a nineteen year old, I was working as a production assistant for a film production company. We shared a space with one of the boss’s best friends – a property developer in his late 50s, and I would occasionally be asked to do some work for him – typing up the odd letter, sending a fax or answering his phone while he was out etc. This guy was married with children, and made me feel uncomfortable from the moment I started working there. He would touch me inappropriately, make suggestive comments about my clothing and appearance, and tell sleazy jokes. One day, he arrived back in the office from a week-long holiday and strolled into the office to greet my boss and another guy who worked for our company. He shook each of their hands individually, then he came over to me, grabbed my face between his hands and started kissing me on the lips, sticking his tongue down my throat!! He did this in front of the two other men, and they just started laughing sleazily, while I pushed him away and ran tearfully out of the room.
A couple of weeks later, he told me that he had to go out to a meeting and that he would be back in four hours’ time. He asked me if I could type up a couple of letters for him and leave them on his desk as soon as they were done. He left his office key with me, instructing me to just let myself into his office and leave the letters on his desk. It took me about twenty minutes to type up the letters, so I went to his office and unlocked the door, only to find… the property developer naked and having sex on his couch with a prostitute!! He looked up at me as I opened the door and gave me the sleaziest look, then told me to come in, close the door behind me and take off my clothes!! I stood there dumfounded for a few moments, then just dropped the letters on the ground and ran out of the room. I was in shock and didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to leave, so I went to my desk and started packing my bag. At that moment, the man’s wife called asking to speak to her husband. Suddenly, I knew exactly what I had to do – I told her that her husband had told me that if his wife called, I was to tell him that he was out of the office, but that in fact he was in the office with a young woman, but had inexplicably locked the door! I hung up the phone, grabbed my bag and left, and never went back. I have wondered many time since whether his wife ever found out what a creep her husband was, and even writing about this nearly twenty years later, I feel so much anger over how I was treated by that disgusting pig that if I heard that he’d died a slow, painful death, I’d be happy.
I also had an experience when I was babysitting as a teenager. I used to babysit for a lovely woman who was beautiful-looking and incredibly lovely, but who had a husband who was very domineering and always made me feel quite uncomfortable. One week, the wife called me to tell me she was going to be away for a few days, but asked if I would babysit one Friday night for her husband. When I turned up at their house, the husband opened the door in his underwear and tried to kiss me and lure me into the bedroom. Luckily when I rejected his advances, he didn’t push it further, but it always made me so sad to think that his gorgeous wife was married to such a sleazy guy.
I hope things have changed in the workplace, and not only because men are now scared of being accused of sexual harassment, but because they know it’s fundamentally wrong.
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I’m in a company where the sexual harassment and bullying is all verbal – but it is almost consistently on a daily basis. It’s rife in the business and has a long history where nobody has ever made a formal complaint because of the ‘connections’ people in the company have. Making a formal complaint would be the end of my career in the entire industry I work in. So, I just try to ignore it? What else can I do? Verbal can be just as bad as physical…..
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Ive been pretty lucky most of my working life, but recently a much younger colleague starting sending me emails that at first were funny, then risqué, then smutty and finally sexually explicit. I did tell him(also via email) that I felt we needed to keep it clean and he stopped for all of a week or two. A colleague and I found out that we were both on the receiving end and that we weren’t the only ones. She told his manager informally and he was pulled into line informally. His manager told me that I’d copped the worst emails after he’d compared the lot. I didnt want him to lose his job, but i just wanted him to stop. I’ve been back at work for 6 weeks and so far so good, but it will go official if it happens again. I’m glad I’m older as I’ve got enough life experience to deal with it. I’d hate to get these emails as a 20 something year old.
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I’ve been sexually harassed in two hospitality businesses. It is rife in the industry to this day.
In both cases I quit as soon as I had another job lined up. I’m not overly sensitive, it was more annoying than anything else, not that distressing. Just impacted on my ability to do my job and enjoy my shift. And the annoyance of having to find another job when I thought I was settled.
I think my dismissive reaction to these balding old Euro managers and chefs just made them try harder to get to me. The more it escalated the more pathetic I saw them.
In small owner operated businesses I didn’t feel there was much I could do but leave. I felt to pursue them would be to time consuming and difficult, when I was very busy with study and young 20′s life. Now I wish I had, the injustice rankles me. I didn’t want a cent, just a fine levied against them big enough to make them think again.
I take my satisfaction from the fact their businesses don’t do very well because they can never hold onto decent staff. I still work in hospitality to fund my studies but I work for a woman owner. And these days I would stand up for myself in a better way than dismissive humour and moving on to a new job. From the first instance I would look the person in the eye and say ‘don’t you ever do that to me again’. And if they did, I would pursue it somehow. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that again.
I am very wary of my little sister going into hospitality while studying when she is older and will be giving her lessons on dealing with touchy co-workers and managers if she does. How sad I have to do this in 2012.
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Ive worked in hospitality for over 10 years and one chef (wife & 3 kids) has the ability to seduce waitresses over and over again. He will bunny hop every couple of years when his current prey change jobs.
Some would simply call this a string of affairs, but as a long standing observer of these antics – to me this is clear sexual harassment. While these girls are (in most cases) more then willing to participate, they are nearly 20 years younger then him and they get sucked into his ‘charm’ as he simply uses them for sex.
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The first restaurant I worked in, I started when I was 15, one of the guys used to always try to flirt with the girls (all of us teenagers) and stare down our tops. None of us complained, it was just the way it was. Sad.
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I was harrassed at my first “real” job during a gap year before starting at university and having had really no experience in the workplace, I had no idea what it was, or even that it was illegal. My boss started making sexually suggestive comments in STAFF MEETINGS every monday morning about what I got up to on the weekend. He would announce whether I “got any” or not based on what I was wearing etc. He would follow any comment I made in that meeting up with a “joke” about what I must be like in bed etc. If i made any kind of comment or suggestion about anything that had irritated me about some office protocol etc, he would suggest loudly that I clearly needed to be getting more sex if those things were worrying me. I was one of only a few women in the office, mostly it was men, and the other women there were personal friends with the boss outside of the office and had been there for a long time. It never happened to any of them.
Being only 18, I just felt that there were things you needed to put up with in order to hold down a job, and that as I felt I really needed this job, I didn’t do anything about it regardless of how incredibly humiliated he made me every staff meeting.
I really wish I had have known a bit better and reported him. Maybe if, when in year 9 we had talked about resumes, and work experience and how to get a job, we could have talked about discrimination and harassment in the work place.
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When I was about 15 I used to babysit for the family up the road from us. The Dad was often away as he was in the army. Anyway, one time when the entire family had gone on holiday, I was watering their plants for them, and they had given me the key to water the indoor plants too. I was meant to go every evening for about a week. One evening when I went up things were slightly different. Someone had come in to the house and left a porno magazine on the coffee table (which I instantly noticed as they had nothing else lying around). It was pretty scary to be honest – I wasn’t expecting anyone else ot be there – and then all of a sudden I wasn’t sure if I was actually alone. Anyway, I left, and the next night asked my Dad to come up with me as I felt very uncomfortable about the situation (though I didn’t tell him why). The father of the girl I babysat for was in fact home. It was all very wierd, but I think would have been much wierder if I hadn’t asked my Dad to come with me. As a teenager I figured he had left it there by mistake. But as an adult I think it’s actually more likely that it was a sleazy come-on by an unhappy man, as who leaves a porno on a table by mistake, and doesn’t inform the person watering the garden that they no longer need to come?
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I shudder to think of how different that scenario could have been if you hadnt asked your father to come with you, thank goodness you did!
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Why on earth did he think leaving porno’s around would make a 15 year old want to have sex with him anyway? That’s a bit like sending a pic of your penis to random girls on the internet, ugly and intrusive.
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I have been sexually harassed quite badly at work.
One particular time, I had to go away for two nights, when one of my colleagues drunkenly broke into my room and tried to pin me against a wall. I have never been so frightened in my life, and didn’t know what to do about it. The situation was difficult, as he was actually the head of the HR department and he kept saying to me ‘Make a complaint, I dare you. It’s only going to fall on my desk.’
Sexual harassment truly is horrible, and I wouldnt wish it on anybody. It’s so widespread, and seems to almost come with the culture at some workplaces.
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Oh my gosh, that’s awful! You poor thing, you must have been terrified. Do you still work there?
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I heard that a hr manager in one of our interstate offices got fired for sexually harassing graduates. So terrible when the very people who victims are meant to be able to turn to are the perpetrators.
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When I got my grown up job, one of the photogs thought he would have a bit of a grope one day. I said loudly: “Don’t touch me!” and walked out of the archives room. Then I went into the comp room and loudly told everyone what had happened and how cross I was about it. I was very loud and went on and on and on.
I knew I would still have to work daily with him, and be alone with him for hours at a time. I wanted him to know I was not a quiet flower and the whole office would hear about it if he touched me again.
I have used the same loud defense since then: “Don’t touch my arse!” …I think it sends a clear message to an arse pincher or other molesterer.
Personally I think keeping quiet and not saying anything is seen as compliance. (Even though it’s not)
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I just wanted to say in my hr dep, they are all female and most of my workplace is and it’s anything goes. Guys walk around scared to offend the women in case they get fired, but the women just do and say as they please as well as innapropriate touching.
I’ve found another job and am going to burn my bridges big time next week.
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Thanks for your comment. I find myself sometimes caught up in the idea that this only happens to us girls. Its important to remember that this sort of thing can happen to anyone, male staff members included.
I hope you find a better environment in your new job.
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Several times apparently, although I hadn’t really thought about it until now. Once when I was in my early 20′s and working for a restaurant in a pub. One night I was taking a tray of food around a function and one of the older guys, twisted me into a corner, grabbed my breast and stuck his tongue in my ear. When I went back to the kitchen, reasonably angry, and told the chef’s, they all laughed hysterically. It never went any further.
And more recently, working in an engineering environment with 100 guys and 5 girls. At the work christmas party, one of the (very drunk) engineers started to tell me how all the guys thought I was a ‘goddess’ (I’m not. Just thought I’d point that out) and they all used to look forward to me coming in, so they could watch me walk up the stairs, they loved my breasts etc. I stopped wearing skirts, stopped wearing anything resembling a heel and was not sorry when the contract expired and wasn’t renewed.
The difficulty, as so many of us have pointed out, is that we don’t even think about it being harrassment. My second scenario occurred while doing contract work for a major, international organisation. There would have been support and people to speak to. But all I did was ignore it, and keep working. I call myself a feminist, yet I ignored it too.
Maybe what is needed (for men and women) is for everyone to be more open to it, and discuss whats happened. So many people on here today have expressed how badly it impacted them and how so many said nothing, yet it is clearly happening quite a bit.
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when I made a complaint about sexual harrassment at my first job (I am an engineer), the female HR told me it was much more difficult in her day and that I needed to toughen up. This was after a year of direct bullying by my boss, and requests for sexual favours from someone I was forced to train and travel to work with. I have since learnt that HR are there to protect the company so whatever you do… if you have a problem… don’t go to HR!
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Further to the above, I have a tricky situation where a European colleague regularly touches me when talking to me, on the shoulder, hand etc. He is a really nice guy but it makes me feel uncomfortable. However, I wonder if it is more of a cultural thing? It is difficult to know what to do as I don’t want to tell him off if that’s not his intention, and I don’t want to destroy the friendship… but it makes me feel uncomfortable…ideas?
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I would totally mention it to him. He may be embarressed, but better embarressed than sued! Just say something like ‘Are you aware of how much you touch me?’. If he doesn’t stop, then it is harrasment and needs to be dealt with differentally.
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Could you bring it up jokingly? Just say something along the lines of “Please don’t touch me so much. No offense and it’s nothing to do with you, but I have real personal space issues”.
But maybe say it with a laugh to ease some of the tension?
Definiitely mention it though.
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Maybe you could try gently suggesting that he not touch you at work. Simply say that in Australia touching someone, even in a friendly manner and even if you’re friends, isn’t seen as appropriate for the workplace. Explain it as a cultural thing. This way things (hopefully) won’t be too awkward. However if he continues to touch you and make you feel uncomfortable I’d definitely take a firmer stance, but as you say, it could be a genuine mistake.
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Mia you are so brave to talk about this ever so sensitive topic! I left my last job because I was being sexually harassed by the CEO, which was so difficult. What do you do, in such a situation like that? Better still, who do you confide in when the CEO is friends with the entire HR department? I had no choice but to leave and I’m glad I did. My current CEO is not only a wonderful boss but a good man!!! The good news is that my ex CEO was fired a few months ago for sexually harassing other girls in the business. I found out, that he had several law suits against him which led to his employment termination. This is why it’s so important to act against such a crime. I know it can be scarey, but that’s the one thing I regret, that I didn’t do anything about it. I will never let anyone treat me like that again. Mia, I love you even more! You make it so easy for women to come together and talk about such an important issue in the workplace. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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It’s rife in hospitality.I read an article last year where a well known Aussie female chef spoke of bending down at the oven and the chef laid his exposed meat and veg on her shoulder as a ‘joke’.
I wish she’s sliced and diced him.
No really, I do.
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You’re not talking steak and potato here are you. Eeeeeeww.
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The whole enchilada. Snag and taters.
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Yes. I was working for a catering company at nights while studying at uni. The company was owned by a man (Chef) and his wife (Manager). One night while working late with just the chef and myself in the building, he started a conversation about his marriage that quickly moved into “I’ve always fantasised about having an affair”, “I’ve often thought about bringing a waitress home from work while the wife is away” “I’ve always been attracted to women of your height and stature”. Every time I tried to change the subject he managed to change it back, as well as asking deeply personal questions about my relationship status, my sex life… I wanted to leave but I was being paid cash in hand, it was payday and I really needed the money, and he wouldn’t give it to me. Eventually after staying back nearly two hours past the usual knock off time having this “conversation”, I managed to convince him to give me my money and let me leave. Except he insisted on walking me to my car, the whole way saying things like “you want to be careful, a girl like you could easily get raped around here” and pointing out all the places a “rapist” could take me – those bushes over there, behind that wall there… walking just behind me the whole way. I was terrified. When I finally got home I asked my housemate to sit up with me all night because I was scared Chef was going to come to my house.
I told my father, and my uncle (who works in workplace mediation in cases of harrassment), and they both told me that they would support me no matter what, but that the choice to report was mine. I ended up not reporting, because I had no idea if Chef had done this sort of thing before, and I didn’t want to be humiliated in a court or accused of making it all up.
What I did do was write a letter of resignation detailing everything he said and did that night, and handed it in person to his wife.
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Fantastic!
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I can say as a male I have had my crotch grabbed too many times to count and can I just say to any crotch grabbers out there, it really hurts and not like a pat on the head i’m a good boy way, but in a stabbed in the stomach type of way. It’s not nice trust me.
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That is terrible. I would never think of doing that to any guy, not even my husband. Just as disgusting as any sexual assault.
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Yes, that would be because it is a sexual assault …
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That’s what I said isn’t it? If I didn’t express myself well that is what I meant. It is awful that that has happened at all let alone more than once.
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yep and it went just as you might expect, sadly. i complained first to my manager, she shrugged and said it’s normal. So in my feminist fury i went over her head to HR who sent a female rep to the retail store to ‘deal with it’. She spoke to the group of ‘lads’ who were harrassing me and then came and spoke to me. Her message was basically ‘toughen up princess’. I walked out and never looked back. As a strident twenty year old I had no problem doing that but I imagine it’s much harder for people with financial responsibilities.
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Sometimes that’s all you can do – for your own peace of mind. Just move on and put it behind you. Good going.
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Yes – multiple time at different workplaces and was accused of it myself (which was laughable to accuse a 16yo old of!). It is why I am not a chef anymore. It was handled poorly from multiple angles.
It is also one of the reason I think I am single… it is all about power and control , I need to feel I have it at all time.
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I am male, and I have. I had just turned 18, was not very sexually experienced and got a job in a bar. My first day, the thirty something lady showing me the ropes grabbed my genitals and tried to kiss me while showing me the cellar. After that, every over 28 night I worked would see drunk, desperate women grabbing me as I removed their dinner plates etc.
I hated it and felt vialated as any woman would. We have come a long way for women, but I still suspect a case like mine would be ignorred or treated as a joke. This experience is part of the reason why I fight so fard on here to make people realise that there is a 2 way street with regard to these types of things.
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I hope it wouldn’t be ignored or treated as a joke. That is harrassment. I’m sorry it happenned to you.
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I think most reasonable people would believe you and more importantly believe its wrong. I would be just as peeved if this happened to my son as to my daughter.
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One thing I’ve been thinking about is that social media is blurring the boundaries a little bit of what is appropriate with co-workers.. I was doing some casual office work and was friendly with this guy who has a partner and a little baby, and had him on facebook, and he asked me over facebook to have a threesome with him, and I politely declined, and laughed it off, not wanting to create awkwardness at work. At work he acted like nothing happened, like, what happens online stays online…
Anyone else have similar experiences?
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I have been in a couple of jobs where this happened – the first I was in my early 20′s and spent a few weeks in hospital after a cyst burst and returned to work to hear my male colleagues commented (within earshot) about my “rebore”. The second was 20+ years later, when as a teacher on a school camp. My teaching colleague thought that it would be amusing to reimburse me for a petty cash item by waving a $10 note in front of my face and thanking me “for a great night last night” in front of 20 students and the waiting lounge at an airport. Neither incident had any follow up by HR even though I went to them & I left both jobs shortly afterwards.
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I know Kristy Fraser Kirk has already been mentioned below, but I think it’s a sad barometer of where society sits on sexual harrassment at the moment. I thought “we” were better than that, until a dinner conversation turned to this topic. My step-father-in-law (broken families make for complicated labels huh!) commented on it while the case was ongoing, and repeatedly said she was a “greedy b1tch”. Every time he said that phrase, it cut through my head like a knife.
I am a law student, and I tried to explain to him that the damages claim was a unique law case, in that the amount asked for was not designed to compensate her (after all, how can you put a dollar value on it) but rather, to appropriately punish the defendant and the company for the bad behaviour. Cue more self-important crap about the “greedy b1tch”. I doubt he even heard what I said. He said it about a dozen times by the end, each time he said it was like a physical slap in the face.
I knew that I would NEVER “win” that conversation, knowing he’s never going to change, so I sat silently until the meal was over, fuming inside, red-faced on the outside. Now I reflect on it, I think the sad part about his opinion was that it is shared by a lot of men his age (baby boomers) and even sadder are these men are the managers and bosses in today’s workplaces.
I think it will take a long long time before things change in Australia – perhaps when there’s a generation change amongst the managers.
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I think that the KFK case COULD have done so much in terms of shining a spotlight on harassment in the workplace by high level suited up executives but the amount of money claimed washed away any good that could have come out of it in terms of The Spotlight. I remember being at my in-laws (who have 1 son and 2 daughters so thinking about younger women in professional workplaces wasn’t a foreign idea) and having a conversation about the KFK case – their entire focus was on the amount of $ she was claiming….zero focus on what it was about. She never was appointed (or volunteered to be) spokesperson for this cause, but when she made such a huge claim, she ruined a great opportunity to be one.
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I am a lawyer, and I agree that not many people got that the large part of the damages she was asking for were punative damages, designed purely to punish the company. Unfortunately I think the threat of punative damages is all that will make some companies take it seriously.
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But it was the extreme amount of money she (or really – her lawyers) asked for that got the case in the headlines. If she was bringing it for a very small amount it probably wouldn’t have even made the paper. It generated discussion about sexual harrassment at work and hopefully pulled a few people into line who previously hadn’t thought their behaviour was problematic.
It was always incredibly unlikely that she was ever going to get that amount of money. I think she was very brave for putting her name to a cause that was probably going to fail but which raised awareness of an important issue. Good on her.
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I was at the bar on a residential course for work, when one of the other students gave me the “look up and down”. It was so blatant as to be comedic. He expected me to swoon into his arms, I think. I laughed instead.
Three nights later, drunk, he threw a full coke can at my head, twisted my arm behind me and then slammed my head into a table. In full view of the rest of the course.
I am pleased to say he was taken out the back and “dealt with”. I didn’t report, because I suspect my protectors would have copped it worse than the perpetrator. His lesson was learnt, anyway.
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God, thats awful! Glad to hear he got what he deserved.
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When I was fresh out of uni and working at my first ‘proper job’ in an advertising agency, I was working on a campaign that involved events around the country. Usually I would co-ordinate my work from my home state but this particular client wanted he and I to brief the staff in each state, so I had to travel around the country with him. This bloke was the same age as my dad, and on his third marriage – to his third secretary. Anyway in every state he tried it on. I would always say no and he never touched me but I felt uncomfortable the whole week. He’d say things like “would you like me to come into your room and give you a massage?”. Dirty dog. When we got back to melbourne I told my boss about it but nothing was done because this guy was spending a lot of money with the agency. There was an ‘always please the client’ attitude. Needless to say I have avoided a certain brand of pasta sauce my whole adult life.
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Nearly twenty years ago (shit was it that long?) I worked as a PA for a finance manager. I walked into his office once and he said “(slapping his lap) You know, years ago, secretaries would sit HERE! RWAH RWAH RWAH!” I thought the same thing – you bloody sleaze. I was only 22. I wonder how I would react if the same thing was said to me now? But let’s face it, it probably wouldn’t lol.
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I wasn’t sexually harrassed at work – but I was sexually harrassed at school by other students when I was 13. Mia’s opening line really resonated with me. I had no idea what it was.
It started out with what was supposedly gratifying comments about my looks – anon is hot, anon has a great ass, anon has been voted hottest girl in the class. Guys would dare each other to ask me out. I hated it at that level.
But then it got to the point where guys would crawl under the table to look up my skirt, sit directly opposite me in the classroom so they could have staring competitions at me (competing against each other about who could stare the longest). Then a guy was dared to slap me on the ass in front of the class (without my knowledge) and did it. Another few sent disgusting notes about sick fantasies they had about me. They would throw these crumped notes at me about their dreams from the previous night. Then a guy put on his advent calendar we were making in class that christmas eve would be ‘rape anon’.
I was so confused. I hated it all but had nothing to name it. The guys thought they were complimenting me and a lot of girls turned on me telling me I was lucky to have the attention (meanwhile these guys were bullying the rest of the girls in the usual sense – so they felt incredibly hard done by compared to me).
It came to a head when some guy said ‘anon doesn’t care, she’s never told on anyone’. I went to the teacher and told him that a guy hit me on the ass. He tried his best to deal with it but I just could not tell him the extent of what the boys were doing to me. In the end the boy who hit me got into trouble and a couple of the boys parents were told they were acting inappropriately, but the fall out should have been so much bigger. That group eventually stopped when we were moved into different classes the following year, but I had classes alongside many of those boys for years to come.
I feel physically ill writing about it now. I had plenty of counselling. But I’m still so frustrated that, particularly at that age, I had no way to name what was happening and when it was raised, it wasn’t necessarily dealt with in the most effective way (at least give me a female teacher to talk to!).
I’m only in my early twenties, so I don’t have a lot of hope that things have drastically changed. I wish more could be done in schools – I think it often gets missed because ppl don’t think that kids (particularly in junior secondary) at that level yet. But that’s what makes it even more dangerous – I thought this kind of talk about attraction and sex was just a part of adulthood I wasn’t ready for. Turns out it was something far more sinister.
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I agree, sexual harassment of kids by other kids is a bit overlooked… I got bullied a lot for being short (I’m 22 and 5 foot now, so, short but you know, so what, who actually cares??) and the guys thought it was hilarious to call me “head height” and make other jokes about what kind of things my height would be perfect for…. It went on for a year or so until I finally had a mini-break down and told a teacher, who actually really sorted it out well and the main bully never spoke to me again..
However, I was pretty lucky in that I went to an expensive private school and the teachers were concerned about its reputation and losing money… without that incentive, I’m not sure how much would have been done about it.
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I went to an expensive private school too (see my comment below). We were all too compliant and mute to say anything so don’t know what would’ve happened if we’d spoken up. Incidentally, my husband went to a really ‘rough’ state school and the guys and girls seem to have much more mature friendships/relationships. More relevently, I think having seen my father behave like a chauvanistic prick when with his mates, I thought such treatment from guys was OK.
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I grew very large breasts quite young so I got this a lot – (I) was a sex machine, (I) was a slut, etc etc. I pretty much avoided all the boys I went to school with at all times. I just went to my 20 yr High school reunion and realised that I no longer remember a single one.
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The boys at my school were seriously inappropriate too. As in, feeling it was OK to comment on our bodies constantly, making lewd comments.
Once a boy grabbed my breast and said “yeah, definitely too small’. We girls didn’t know how to handle it, thought it was just their way of giving attention, even though it made us feel like dirt.
Tell you what, I would certainly be EXTREMELY unhappy if either of my daughters were treated like this. Its NOT ok, and I will be telling them when they’re older about my experiences and how they deserve to be treated with so much more respect.
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Same thing happened to me at school, but apparently it was ok to harass me because I walked home with a boy every night (he lived across the road). Schools are as bad at handling sexual harassment as they are at handling general bullying. I am over 50 and it has affected my whole life I felt ill reading your story, anon. It was all over the fact that I was well developed, even teachers used to comment. Sickening.
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My son was sexually assaulted by a fellow student last year. My son went to an expensive private boys school. My son was 11 and the boy in his class was 12. The pain, embarrassment, confusion and agony my son went through was heartbreaking.
I started to notice my son regressing more and more. He had suffered a beating at school, which was presented to me, by teachers, as boys having a bit of push and shove. His arm was broken at the wrist, forearm and elbow. All from boys holding him down and jumping on it. Later it was uncovered that this was in retaliation from him reporting the bullying that he was suffering.
One Sunday night my son broke down in tears, frightened to go to school. My husband was on a business trip. I held him and reassured him he could talk to me about anything. He couldn’t speak. He simply said that I would be disgusted in him and it was too embarrassing. He couldn’t look me in the eye. My stomach fell into a bottomless pit and my heart broke into a million pieces. My stress levels reached boiling point. He didn’t want to talk to my husband, all from embarrassment as well. I suggested we call my brother (my son’s favourite uncle, who is also a forensic policeman) and talk to him. My son, thankfully agreed. They spoke for 2 hours and after the conversation my brother told me I had a serious situation on my hands.
To cut a very painful and long story short, through story writing and illustrations, my son painted us a very distressing and alarming picture. He had been subjected to unbelievable sexual harrassment by a boy in his own class. The actions included grabbing my son’s private parts whenever he happened to be near my son, walking up to him in the class room and sliding his hand up his leg and holding onto his private parts, grinding himself against my son and telling him he wanted to f^&* him. The most distressing situation occurred on a 20 seater school bus, with two football coaches at the front. Friends of the boy held my son down while the other boy pulled his own pants down and shoved his private parts into my son’s face, all chanting and cheering and calling my son a faggot. Amazing how two teachers/coaches saw and heard nothing on a 20 seater bus! We know this definitely happened because under police questioning all the boys, including the boy who did the sexual actions, all admitted it – and thought it was funny and nothing wrong with it.
The school’s stance – “it’s what boys do and perhaps a bit of resiliance from your son would stand him in good steed.”
When I suggested that perhaps my son (who was significantly taller and stronger than these boys, but a gentle giant) should protect himself, the school said that if he retaliated through pushing or hitting he would be expelled! When I asked if the school expected him to simply lay back and take it, they said that he did not have a right to defend himself, he should just report it. The police pointed out that the Australian Constitution states different. Their recommendation: simply get him out of the school for his own well being.
As the boys were all underage, the police couldn’t really do anything. So we moved our son to another school, who has been nothing but support and caring towards my son. We have invested a lot of time and money into counselling for my son, to reassure him that he was not the problem, that he has nothing to be embarrassed about. I am forever thankful that he was surrounded by strong male role models who swooped in as soon as they knew what had happened. They have spent time with him, also reassuring him that the other boy, the family and the school were the ones with the problems, not him. I have seen my son regain his confidence. But the memory is there, still occasionally affecting him. We surround him with positive influences and the current school he is at has also provided him with top role models to reassure him, including an ex-Wallaby captain.
My fury still simmers as I have since found out that the boy that sexually assaulted my son was expelled from a state school for the same issues. And for a school that claims that they know what is best for boys to take the stand that that behaviour is what “boys do” is so “Tom Brown’s School Days”. Without proper guidance and counsel this boy will continue to do such behaviour that will only end in tradegy. Perhaps men who transpire this behaviour into adulthood, such as celebrities, footballers and executives, went to the same type of school, with the same ethos. And what an example they set.
To anyone suffering such acts, please please please find someone to talk to. And for any parent going through this, please please please find positive role models for your child, to help with rebuilding their confidence and self-believe. This has been a major step in helping my son. I am, and always will be, forever thankful, that these wonderful men stepped up and helped my son feel whole. By talking about it openly we were able to surround my son with love and support. Don’t be ashamed – and allow others to help you. Our family, normally the strong and supportive family, reached out and found incredible support and love for our time of need. Speak out – DO NOT BE ASHAMED.
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Oh my goodness! I am SO SORRY for what your poor son and whole family have gone through. I know it can’t make a difference, but I have to say you sound like an amazing family and I hope that everything works out for you xxx
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Thank you for your lovely comment. I never under-estimate the power of a compliment.
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Oh my god. This is horrific. I’m so sorry you and your son had to go through this.
I can’t believe the view the school took!! I’m so sorry!
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It was unpleasant and I would have preferred that my son didn’t have to face it. But the positive from this situation is that my son experienced incredible support and love from many adult friends. He has seen how to work through a situation and to never feel judged. He now knows the power of family. He knows he does not have to tolerate an unacceptable situation and that there are options. The school is the loser in this situation on so many levels. Thank you for your kindness.
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Your son is lucky he has a mother like you who despite the negatives still manages to see the positives. I’m glad he – and you – have such a wonderful support system.
Wishing you all the best for the future.
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I’m in tears as I read your son’s story – what happened to him was disgusting and as a mum of a 12 year old who has his own self esteem issues due to previous bullying it frightens me that this could happen. That said, your story is one of hope and support and I thank you for sharing it. I hope your son goes on to become very successful and enjoys a rewarding and happy future for many years to come. You’re a wonderful mum and I congratulate you.
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Thank you for your lovely comments. I’m sorry your son has also experienced bullying. I feel very grateful that we were able to afford counselling and were in the position to move him schools quickly. My heart goes out to children or adults who cannot afford or cannot access expert counselling and who do not have a strong support network. It has been crucial to helping my son regain his confidence. Issues still lurk in the background and with what he experienced they will never leave his memories, but we are hoping they will not dictate and overshadow his life journey. I am sure he will grow to be a happy and successful man. Thank you again for your lovely words.
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I was bullied at school.
I harbour extreme anger at schools which send the message that you are not allowed to defend yourself. If I was told that it was ok to swing back I would not have had to endure broken bones and self esteem issues leading into adulthood (all resolved now thankfully).
Teachers are willing to turn a blind eye, victim blame and punish students who defend themselves (like the threat of expulsion above) all so the school’s reputation is kept intact and they have an easier day at work.
I will be teaching any sons I have to have a swing if they are bullied, society and school policy be damned. Better my kids are expelled than have chronic confidence problems that stop them from having a happy life.
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I wish I could give you a hug. Not in a creepy way, but one of support. I am so sorry that you suffered so much.
I went to my 25th school reunion a couple of years ago. I was never aware of bullying at school and so I was so shocked when one of the women approached me and asked if she could sit with me as she was so nervous meeting some of the other women again. She then told me how terribly she was bullied by them – and that their actions still affected her today. I was mortified and saddened for her. Fortunately it ended really nicely and surprisingly. The women who had bullied her apologised for their behaviour. Amazing how having their own children gave them a different perspective.
It is very disappointing that schools and teachers turn a blind eye, as does the legal system, and I firmly believe it is a big part of the growing problem.
We told our son that we would support him if he felt the need to defend himself, however he was so indoctrinated by the school that he was just as scared at getting into trouble. The other issue would also be the pack mentality and basically he would have been facing the group 1 against 5. That’s never going to end well.
One counsellor recommended that we get our son involved in something that would boost his confidence. Some families choose martial arts training, some choose army reserve training, some choose boxing etc. We chose rowing. He is now involved with a fantastic rowing club, with big boys who are motivated, fit and hard working. This suits my son down to the ground. And recently when the past group of boys from the previous school tried to bully him again, he had the confidence, size and strength (all from his rowing training) to stand his ground. He also had about six 6ft+ rowers all standing by him giving support. The bullies fizzled out and are now trying to gain favour with my son as he is now so much bigger. He had the confidence to rise above.
I hope your sons do not need to have a swing, simply from the point of view I hope they are not bullied. I wish you all a happy life.
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isn’t it interesting that these schools are quite content to have little thugs bullying their students but somehow object to bullied students defending themselves!
Some serious issues there.
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Interestingly the Gillard govt. isn’t considering the civil complaint of sexual harassment allegations against Slippery Slipper, there is a criminal issue at stake which is far more important (apparently)…the improper use if cab vouchers if/ when proven will determine his future. Whether or not he’s guilty of sexual harrassment isn’t their business?? WTF is going on, what message does it send other work places when the govt. can ignore sexual harrassment in it’s own back yard.
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Fraud is a consideration of facts. The sexual harassment is more subjective.
Fraud is criminal. And a criminal act will get you thrown out of parliament. The sexual harassment is civil and, assuming guilt, will only result in compensation.
From a parliamentary point of view, the criminal case has more serious repercussions. Hence the focus.
Nothing sinister.
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When I finished Year 12 I went to work for a company as the Office Junior (end of 1997). I was the general “help” for anybody who needed me. One of the guys in marketing used to get me to type out love letters to his lovers that he had penned. Everyone used to roll their eyes at him and his various lovers and no one told him he shouldn’t be getting me to do this. They weren’t explicit letters and everyone, including me, thought he was just doing it to puff out his chest and show off. Now in hindsight I’m not so sure that a very inexperienced 17 year old girl should have been let work with this guy if that is the work he asked me to do. Don’t get me wrong I’m not traumatised or anything but am wondering how that would go down in this day and age.
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I worked in an office that managed ~20 delivery drivers, all of them were lovely guys (and a couple of girls!) but there was one who used to make a few women in the office and factory feel uncomfortable. He used to linger in the office a bit longer than normal with no reason (as opposed to others who came for a chat or to discuss work) so I used to always try to look super busy to discourage him from hanging around. It came to a head when he requested my attendance as his ‘subject’ for his full body massage class he was taking?!
I told my manager his request and previous actions had made me uncomfortable and he spoke to the driver straight away and gave him the harsh word, he quit within a week.
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Yes, I have been sexually harrassed at work, but not by a superviser for over 20 years, so I like to think most bosses know better now. But, I have been sexually harrassed by colleagues many times over the years and have seen it happen to others many times too. Once it was bad enough for me to start looking for another job, but then the guy got sacked for something unrelated so I was saved! I have only ever known one woman to report it though. I think it’s still a silent problem in many ways.
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I once worked with an intern (first year out doctor, not fully qualified) who sexually harassed me and other colleagues, as well as patients. Between a few of us, we made enough reports to his registrar (supervisor) to get him sacked and failed. She was keeping a very careful record and I would have been happy to make official statements but I never had to. Without the support of her, and her CMO, it would have been very difficult to get anywhere as I was only allied health and he was medical – anyone who’s ever worked Ina hospital knows the hierarchy! He never touched me or any of my patients but the comments were disgusting and the standing behind me pinning me in while I wrote notes and staring down my top, along with other things was enough. I was especially concerned about the patients as they more vulnerable and powerless than I was.
I know from talking to my mum what it was like only 40 years ago – and she was working in a high quality fashion store, so I an only imagine what it was like for others. She said (and I’m paraphrasing) – we knew it was wrong, but we also knew it wasn’t illegal.
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I found myself a single mother and back in the workforce in my mid 40s. Mine wasn’t sexual harassment. The boss threatened to punch me in the face. I left the job but something in me cracked that day. Oh geez, now I’m crying! I’ve never admitted the effect that had on me, not even to myself. I can’t explain it really, I’m not depressed but I have withdrawn from life – I think maybe it just crushed the last bit of confidence and resilience I had at that time.
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I can’t imagine how traumatic that must have been but it would be such a shame to let a crazy, sadistic boss rule the decisions you make in the future. I’m sure you have loads to offer. Definitely worth taking another chance. Good luck!
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Oh that’s just awful on so many levels, just when your world was turned upside down. If you’re still affected seek some counselling, I teach a wonderful tool for trauma called tapping. You can find info on http://www.eftdownunder.com good luck!
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Yes, unfortunately. At my last job we had a guy in our dept. who thought he was God’s gift to women. He turned out to a be an a-hole who couldn’t handle rejection and started spreading malicious gossip along with his mate who joined in the harrassment. Luckily I had a manger who backed me up and it stopped them cold but a few months later that manager was promoted out of the dept and he was up to his old tricks. This time the new manager was a friend of his who was reluctant to tell Mr a-hole to pull his head in so I went to HR and he was told in no uncertain terms to knock it off. Not long after that I moved to a different role in the same company but the sleaze continued to give other women there a hard time, eventually he was made redundant but not before some good people left to escape his sleazy behaviour.
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When I finished school in the early 70′s my pre-uni summer job was in a plastics factory. I was just 18, totally virginal and fresh from an all girls’ school. I still feel sick when I look back at those 11 weeks. Women (mainly migrants with limited English) worked the machines, and the engineers and bosses were all male. (There was one female boss, but she was no help — I vividly remember the day when, as a joke, she was having pretend sex on the lunchroom table with one of the guys). Extremely personal remarks about my figure and appearance were the least of it. Some of the guys would use any excuse to put their arms around the girls, touch our bottoms, even ask us to kiss them. When I tried to complain to my parents at home (not having any vocabulary for the experience) my father just told me to get used to the real world and stop being “work-shy”. Experiences like that were what made me so keen to drop out, leave the workforce and be a stay at home mum.Actually, until writing this now, I don’t think I had realised how deeply it had affected me ..
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I am starting to get turned off men after reading a lot of articles on here lately- rape, sexual abuse, demands for daily sex, demands for period sex and now sexual harassment.
Any one would think they are walking penises without brains, self control or a heart.
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Amandarose….if you get told the same thing, day after day after day, you will start to believe what you are told.
Let me assure you that all men are not brainless, walking penises.
It just ain’t wise to generalise !
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I agree, Bradley. Amandarose – these are indeed some horrible stories. But bear in mind that we’ve been asked to provide stories/accounts of harassment, so it’s going to read like a long list of horrible actions (by both men and women).
There are people in the world who strive to do good, and others who do not. Men and women can be both kind and loving or take advantage of others. Please do not lose your faith in men – many of them have heart. x
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I really don’t hate men- just pointing out they haven’t been getting a good rap on here lately.
How about we have let’s lay off the men week next week?
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As I said….when you are told the same thing every day, over and over…you start to believe it.
Is it possible to not deliberately go looking for all that is wrong with the male gender each and every day ? When you deliverately look for the negative, you will surely find it.
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In support of Amandarose, I have also become very uncomfortable with all the anti- male views, particularly over the last week.
I would love something bright and cheerful and supportive next week. Just as an aside, I really enjoyed the article about cake-wrecks.
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When are men going to start supporting women against sexism and sexual harassment? You can insist on a ‘lay-off men’ day when men start writing articles in support of women.
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All those articles were interesting but maybe a bit to much negativity in one clump.
A bit of balance is all I ask
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Tara, it is hard enough to get men talking or writing articles about social / personal or health issues that affect men, and there are plenty, although not often highlighted on sites like this or in the main stream media.
That doesnt mean we men dont support issues that effect women, however it is a 2 way street you know.
Out of interest, how many articles have you written about issues affecting men Tara?
And I do think (as Bradley is suggesting) that a constant bombardment of articles highlighting the evil that a very small percentage of men do can start to create a culture of over stating just how terrible we are as a gender, when in reality, the vast bulk of men are great blokes that care about women.
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I’ve worked in hospitality since I was 14, I am now 27 and have just started my first full-time job within a different industry. I have learnt over time that people working in hospitality get away with certain behaviours that wouldn’t normally be acceptable in other workplaces, not because the hospitality industry turns a blind eye but rather because it is ‘part of the job’. On any normal night, depending on the venue of course, staff could be found to walk past a colleague and slap them on the behind with a menu, have a sexualised comment throw to you by a chef or it be suggested they unbutton one more button to increase tips.( Just to clarify, I have not worked in the local country pub, but I experienced this behaviour while working in well-known Australian restaurants with both 2 and 3 Chef’s Hats.) By no means is this right or acceptable, but if the employees feel comfortable with this happening around them, it will continue and even becomes part of the day to day nature of the venue. This however, can make it difficult for one to speak up if it does go that little bit too far, something I have experienced recently. I have always stuck up for myself and in recent years when I have be viewed as a senior member of staff, other employees have always felt comfortable coming to me if they ever felt uneasy about any behaviour they may have been experiencing, but when it went too far for me recently. I caught out one of the chefs stealing and when I confronted him about it, he told me he knew something personal about me and began blackmailing me, saying he would tell everyone if I didn’t keep my mouth shut. So I ran. I know by me not saying anything he is getting away with it. I honestly believe that the behaviour that occurs within in venue on a day to day basis is what made it hard for me to speak up, had I disengaged earlier would I be able to say something?
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Yep. Worked at law firm. Was sent inappropriate emails by male colleague which included things like “your dress would look good on my bedroom floor”. He even cc’d in a partner I worked for and other male colleagues. The other male colleagues responded by telling him to f* off, but as far as I’m aware, the partner never did anything. No repercussions at all and I never reported him. you live and learn.
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I was actually sexually harrassed by one of my high school teachers, he did it to all of my friends too.
It wasn’t anything too bad, not that it’s ever ok, but as far as harrasment goes it was pretty minow. He was the photography teacher and he would ask the girls to come and pose for photos. Sometimes he would ask you to unbutton a few buttons on your shirt. Sometimes he would try and “position” you for the best light and would “accidently” touch/grope our breasts. I believe he actually convinced one girl to pose in a bra.
I never said anything about it, and it hasn’t scarred me for life of anything (I am now happily married), but I do still feel guilty I didn’t say anything because what if he did something worse to someone who couldn’t deal with it.
I guess it’s all too little too late now, I don’t think he is even teaching anymore. But I do still feel very guilty that I never spoke up.
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ummm, I don’t think that’s pretty minor! That is a complete breach of his duties as a teacher and is sackable.
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I also don’t think that being “happily married” is proof that someone isn’t scarred by an event in their life… glad to hear you think you’re not though
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I’d add to this that you have absolutely nothing, NOTHING to feel guilty about … whether you realised it then or not (or even now!), you were just a child and probably found the whole ting quite unnerving and overwhelming …
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I had a senior manager tell a group of people during drinks after a business dinner that I had slept with him on a work trip. It was awful, the group were all men and they laughed and laughed. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I tried to laugh it off and it just got worse. I left the situation immediately but didn’t know what to do. After speaking to my husband who was furious, I called the person the next day and spoke to him about it. Having sobered up, he was mortified and apologised. Our working relationship never recovered but being a male dominated company with a real ‘brotherhood’, I didn’t feel that I could pursue it though H.R without being blamed despite the fact that it was a lie. I had recently been promoted to a management position and couldn’t help wondering if everyone would have thought that ‘sleeping’ with senior managers was how I got there. I am a SAHM now and look back on that time and think of ‘The Office’. Its almost like, if I told anyone how people behaved in that place, they wouldn’t believe me
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