Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. BFFL
I reckon if you make one great friend in each phase of your life, you’re doing well. If there’s a keeper from school, uni, each job, mothers’ group, swimming club … your friendship circle keeps going round. And it keeps growing. I’ve had lots of best friends and I’ve lost some too. That hurts, but that’s life.
The definition of a ‘best friend’ is can vary wildly from person to person. Is she the person you’ve been friends with the longest? Who saw you through the worst of times? Danced with you through the best? Is it the person who, as my friend Bec says so eloquently, gets you?
Here’s a gallery of famous BFFs to peruse as you ponder this.
Ben Affleck & Matt Damon
It’s hard to believe one single person can fulfil that role for years and years and years. Holy hell, what a responsibility! Maybe that’s why some UK schools are implementing a ‘No Best Friends Rule.’
Columnist Julie Burchill wrote about it in the Mail Online:
“Earlier this month it was revealed that head teachers are encouraging children to play in large groups instead of forming close-knit bonds to save them the trauma of falling out with a close pal.
I agree. Having ‘best friends’ is — at least for me — as outdated and small-minded a concept as the idea of ‘Sunday best clothes’.
When I hear people say, ‘I’ve only got three friends and that’s all I need,’ I find myself speculating about them being serial killers. To me it’s just not natural.
To believe that one, or even three, mates can supply all the things one needs from one’s friends is as stupid as believing married couples must do everything together.
As I have got older, I have found myself making friends with the ease and swiftness that other people pick up fuzzballs on their jumpers. And I believe it is probably my lack of longing for ‘The One’ that makes me so popular.
As with romance, neediness is never good when looking to make new pals.
It wasn’t always this way. I was an only child, which I loved even though it made me very keen on my own company.My strongest memories of primary school are weekends spent lurking in my bedroom, begging my mother to tell whichever pre-teen was at the door asking me to go and ‘play’ (shudder!) that I was indisposed. Real girls struck me as wet — nothing like the gutsy heroines of the books I read.
In secondary school, no longer able to avoid socialising, I discovered a talent for ‘stirring’ — and found girls vying to be my ‘bezzie’ (I came to hate this word with a passion) as I took them to one side and imparted thrilling lies about our contemporaries.
My castle of cards eventually came tumbling down, of course, when I was off school for six weeks with laryngitis and came back to discover my victims had all compared notes, leaving me friendless.
But rather than being distraught, I was delighted! Now I didn’t have to be bored and they didn’t have to be mauled by my spiteful nature.
Needless to say, I was hardly likely to bag a Miss Congeniality award.
I still have a friend from my home town (the one exception to the madding teenage crowds), who is called Karen and is as close to me as a sister. But as I only see her once every five years I wouldn’t dream of calling her a best friend.
And I have Facebook friends whom I have never met but rush to make contact with each morning, even before I drink my coffee, because they’re the only people I’ve ever met who are smarter than me.
It’s safety in numbers. Truth be told (and you may have guessed this already), I am not the best friend in the world, and this being so, maybe I just don’t suit having a Best Friend.
I am fun, kind and generous — but loyalty never has been and never will be my strong suit.
And there’s a bigger reason why I don’t need a best friend, though it embarrasses me to admit it. I cringe when I hear women say the words, ‘My husband is my best friend,’ but, looking back — even through the red mist of marriages gone bad — I can see this has always been true of me.
Not in a cheesy, teddy-bear-sending, matching-jumpers kind of way — but in bad-kids-in-the-back-row-of-the-school-bus way.
With this position filled, the pickings left for any ‘best friend’ are obviously going to be somewhat second-best.
When I fall out with a friend a part of me feels pleased because now there’s a vacancy for a new one. But if I were to fall out with my husband I’d be extremely sad, and I can’t think of any advantages it would bring.
So to any sorrowful school kid missing their ‘bezzie’, I’d say just grow up and get over it.
Because friends come and go. And while friendship might be great fun — it’s a very runtish runner-up to love.”
How about you? Do you believe in best friends?
Comments
144 Comments so far
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With the advent of facebook it seems that both the concept of friendship and the word friend have become completely twisted. My oldest friends (the ones still alive that is) date back more than 42 years and our relationships are as strong now as they were then. I’m happy to say my kids have friends they have grown up with, and remained close to who are now creating families of their own, and repeating the cycle.
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I have been close friends with who I refer to as my best friend since we were 5… 23 years now.
We haven’t always been the closest, we have spent time hanging with slightly different groups through school etc, but we are always the first call each other makes when something good (or bad) happens… Like this weekend when a trans-Tasman call informed me her heart had been broken.
We have lived in different countries, shared different interests which has helped us transgress time (especially high school) and are thick as thieves.
In a couple of weeks time she is visiting from NZ and we are invading my local stomping ground, the Hunter Valley vineyards…. And I can’t wait!
Feeding a friend copious amounts of wine and delicious food in beautiful surroundings to mend a broken heart… That’s a ‘best friend’
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“And I have Facebook friends whom I have never met but rush to make contact with each morning, even before I drink my coffee, because they’re the only people I’ve ever met who are smarter than me.” ….. Charming
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I stopped reading after that line.
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I think I’m over the ‘friends’ thing. Males (especiallly) base friendships on shared experience rather than shared disclosure, so when my friends all got married and had children and I didn’t – there was a gap right there.
Then there were the ones who turned out not to be friends at all; and whilst I wouldn’t run ‘bank balance’ relationships, there comes a time when the energy you’re putting in is getting no energy ‘out’ in return, so that’s a time to stop investing in that relationship.
So, alone in middle age, I’m more interested in the journey within, to understand my ‘Self’ and that’s definitely a journey to be taken solo.
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This article was interesting, and yes, I am not sure how keen I’d be to befriend Julie Burchill.
I am 19, and finished school last year. For the first couple of years in of highschool, I had the ‘best friend’ – that one girl I really clicked with. She, however, left my school at the end of year 9, and we struggled to maintain the friendship we had when we both went to the same school.
The next years of school were quite lonely, everyone else seemed to have the ‘best’ friend, whilst I never had that connection with anybody else. I had a large group of friends, however, I craved the intimacy of a best friend. I often thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, cause I didn’t have that close friend,
During this time, I was speaking to my Mum about it, and she said that she isn’t a huge fan of the term ‘best friend’, and that it involves essentially ‘ranking’ our friends, when really they should be playing different roles in your life. This was a different perspective than those I had heard previously.
Since leaving school, I made a handful of very close friends, however, I still don’t really have that ‘best’ friend. They each serve different roles in my life and I love them dearly, however, despite what my Mum said, I would still love that one person who I have that strong ‘best friend’ connection with.
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The notion of “best” friend is I think key to introverts rather than extraverts – but this narrative of how important a girl’s best friend is stigmatises us extraverts because then when we don’t have a bestie, or even a group of besties to which we “belong” we feel like there’s something wrong with us! (…ok totally generalising from my own experience here!!!!).
A couple of years ago I described myself as an “extravert with no friends” for exactly that reason – I had no “group”.. but a couple of weeks ago we had a major family crisis and I sent an email to 10 or 11 people letting them know what had happened “cos you’re my people” and I realised that I don’t have A bestie I have LOTS of besties. What she’s talking about here is – though very badly expressed – I think the same basic principle. If you have lots of friends, when you lose one it doesn’t devastate you.
I feel for my daughter who, like me, is a bit of a flitter – and unfortunately is then excluded by some who have a “bestie” and reject her because she’s not “special” the way they are to each other
And, for the record, none of my besties come close to the way I feel about my husband – but that’s kinda the point of getting married isn’t it?? That they’re the ONE person who you will prioritise over everyone else??
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I’ve had the same best friend since I was 2 years old. We grew up next door to each other. We’ve had falling outs and gone maybe a year without seeing each other or speaking to each other. We have always reconnected though and now as adults we both realise and appreciate the value of having a friendship like ours. We know each other better than anyone, and are able to be honest with each other without being judgemental. I wouldn’t trade her for anything.
As for the idea that not needing more than 3 friends is ‘stupid’ I completely disagree. I’ve gone through periods of life where I had a huge circle of friends, and we had lots of fun, but when it came down to crunch time our friendships had no meaning and were easily lost and forgotten. I have a few friends, some closer than others, but we make the effort to maintain them because the friendship is meaningful. I don’t need lots of friends, I just need friends who I can count on to be my friend when I need them. I take loyalty over quantity any day.
Someone who purposefully spread lies about people and who considered them to be unworthy of her time, and has little sense of loyalty has obviously never experienced true friendship and possibly has some commitment/attachment issues!
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wow, harsh! I don’t know how I feel about your feeling pleased when you fall out with a friend. What happened to you in your life that you don’t like being attached to people other than a husband who has a duty to try and repair your relationship when it gets stretched?
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I have few people who could slip into the BFF role and i need them for different reason but there is one who lives in that place in my heart and life closer than all but my mother. He is my true soul mate. I can’t wait to fallin love again but no one will take his place he helps keep all the crazy from spewing out. There is something to be said to have a friend you can complain about your partner to…….i believe.
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My best friend and I were born 12 days apart and for the first couple years of our lives grew up right across the road from each other. Then her family moved to Perth. Then we moved to Perth… and totally coincidentally ended up across the road from each other again
So until we were 8 years old we saw each other pretty much every day.
My family moved away when I was in primary school… but now we are 28 and STILL best mates and always will be. Even after not being in contact properly over a couple of our high school years we maintained that bond and when we lived closer again we spoke all the time, and for a while we even worked together.
Sometimes we talk every day, sometimes not for a couple months. But it’s nice knowing I have a soulmate for life in her, even if all other relationships in my life fail. It’s a good feeling and I know I am exceptionally lucky.
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This article honestly made me sad. Friendship is a “runtish runner-up to love”?? “When I fall out with a friend a part of me feels pleased because now there’s a vacancy for a new one”?? These lines are worrying to me. I have a very best friend who has been in my life for over ten years, she is part of the furniture in my home and we share everything. Beyond that, I have three very good friends, and a large extended group of friends and acquaintances.
All of these relationships are valuable to me and enrich my life. Burchill comes across as friendless and isolated.
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She finds herself speculating about people being serial killers and finds them utterly stupid for thinking differently than she does? Whatever your preference for friend numbers, it’s people like this commentator that are wrong with the world. Tolerance, please!
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Agreed. I really don’t think it’s necessary to describe the idea that “one, or even three, mates can supply all the things one needs from one’s friends” as being “stupid”, either. This is a very personal thing and I don’t think it needed to be articulated quite like that.
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I am horrified by the idea of a “no best friends” policy at school. Even as a guideline it would be disturbing. Yes, it is hard and sad to have a falling out with a best friend, but it’s also a part of like. Like falling in or out of love. You don’t see people forbidding dating, do you? And for what it’s worth, I think having someone to share things with and confide in at school was worth the all the fall outs I experienced.
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My 2 sisters and my husband are my best friends.
Through school I had many, at uni a close but small group but through it all, my sisters have been there. And ever since we met its been my husband too.
If there was ever good news, bad news, weird news or just anything at all to tell, these are the 3 people who I would call/see.
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This is a great topic in many ways – i fall in the category of having friends from school, work and as a mum…. All are so special and have entered my life at times of my growth. We all male and female are social people and everyone feels different about friendships. I in my 40′s feel comfortable as a home mum finally accepting this and liking my free time me time and peace time which allows me to catch up with people I love… I would love to work but it has not been possible because I am a mum that has after school activitie with very young kids….. so I have had to learn to like my faults worts and all.
I feel that there is too much pressure on people to feel they are only popular or liked if they have friends and to be seen socialising makes you bigger and better than others.
In my opinion we need to at least in our 20′s understand that its ok to not have an arm length of friends and people come in and out of our lives dependant on how we feel ourselves at our journeys each day.
We need to get to know ourselves better and understand trusting we all have different needs and not allow pressure to push us into toxic or needy relationships. Having one or two best friends or a mixture of acquaintences depends on what stage we are at in our lives and yes mummies need a break from other mummies which Is where I am at as I am loving being around children half my age and listening to them and their point of views about life and putting forth my unbiased views about music family instead of it coming from their parents .. and they listen….
We all can make a difference to each other and all families by being good ears… it comes in all forms and all topics… relax….thats friendship…. xx
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Wow, I’m so glad I have never had the ‘pleasure’ of being friends with Julie Burchill!
I don’t think I have just one best friend, but I do have a fabulous group of close friends who I love dearly. This is the year of the 21st’s for us, so it’s gonna be an exciting year!!
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I love reading the responses to this post- it makes me feel good to know that I am not a ‘freak’ for not having a best friend
I, like many posters, feel a lack of a reliable, trustworthy friend who I really click with. I have a lot of friends, but I would feel weird calling them at 4am if I was upset or something
sometimes it makes me feel lonely. Sometimes it makes me feel like I must be a bad person, undeserving of friendship.
I would love to have a friend who trusted me so much they could ring me at 4am when they were upset.
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Hi Kateateight,
I wish I had that too.
I’m sad to read that you feel that way and yet it comforts me somewhat because I understand what you’re talking about I so I know I’m not the only one. I had a big falling-out with a best friend in high school and I don’t think I’ve quite recovered from that in terms of trust. Anyway I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with you, no doubt you’re a quality person. We don’t usually say this in terms of friends, it’s usually said about partners but maybe you just haven’t found the right person yet.
Here’s to 4 am phone calls
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Hey Mamamia team, an idea for another story? The loneliness of parenting. The one on “wasting your brain” was great, how about what happens to your social life. Where every social engagement seems to revolve around your kids, the way social interactions with other parents (e.g. the park) tend to be shallow and unfulfilling (or maybe that’s just me), the days where your only adult contact is your husband when he gets home, the way you see old friends several times a year where you used to see them regularly… where you get to the point that you’d kill for a decent adult conversation, only to find you have nothing to talk about but your kids!
I wonder if others out there feel the same way, I work from home, alone, so don’t get the social interaction of a workplace and getting to regular things like sports practice is just too hard (once or twice is fine, but every week seems to be impossible).
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I have these problems and i don’t have kids! I also work from home…
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Yes oh yes!
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I’m with melsie!! Yes!!
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The argument that teachers are encouraging children to play in large groups instead of forming close-knit bonds to save them the trauma of falling out with a close pal seems illogical to me.
The number of friends you have is no guarantee that you will not have a falling out. I’ve seen individuals ostracized by large friendship groups too.
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and in fact I’d say being ostracized by a large group would be worse.
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I don’t like the tone of the article at all and the writer has come across as very arrogant but I do agree with some of her points to a certain extent. Such as that people are turned off by neediness.
I was extremely insecure growing up and I often got dumped by friends which is so upsetting, but looking back, I can understand that I was very clingy and possessive as a result of being so insecure and these are difficult traits in teenage girls.
Now in my late 20s I’m a much more confident person and have learned to be independent (maybe as a result of being a bit of a loner as a teen?) and I do feel that since I have become more confident and stopped trying so hard I have made friends more easily.
Saying that though, I do sometimes feel that while I have quite a lot of friends, my problem is more quantity over quality. I admit I do have some good friends but I really would like to have somone I could call a best friend. I’m not really in contact with anyone from high school so most of my friends are people I’ve met in the last 5 or so years, I hope over time that I become closer to some of these friends.
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I support the schools idea of getting kids to play in larger groups. From the time we were 11, another girl and I were inseparable. we spent every weekend together and school holidays were sent together. We called, emailed, texts non stop. We had plans for the future, to move in together, travel and be each others bridesmaids. Then at 16, she met a guy and suddenly would never return my phone calls. I was devastated and it took me a very long time to get over it.
Thankfully I didn’t go to school with this girl. A school I had a large group of friends (10+) and it definitely helps the loss of one.
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Just lucky I guess, I do have a Best friend. There are times I would happily throttle her, but she’s also my sister in law. So I’m stuck with her. So things that may have broken the friendship have had to be gotten past. It has made me a much better person in many ways.
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I think it’s different for everybody. I think I have about 4 best friends – friends I would call in the middle of the night if something was wrong, the friends that will be at my wedding etc. And this sounds a little silly, but they all serve different functions in a way. One of them is the friend I call when I’m in hospital/seriously ill/having a chronic illness breakdown, or just want to have a chat about boring health issues, as she ‘gets it’. Another is the friend that mothers me, as opposed to me looking after everyone else, she’s my rock and her family is my second family.
I love having a small group of close friends, and then lots of friends I see all the time but wouldn’t necessarily ask to come around when I’ve broken up with a boy. Best friends are the people that will let you cry and snot all over them, and will pick up at 3am when you’re in trouble – that’s my guideline anyway.
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I had a best friend- we met at school,and were friends through everything. She was my rock and the only person in the world I trusted with my secrets. We use to send emails and texts regularly and more than once wondered if we were psychically linked because we seemed to know when we needed the other. It was funny, it was comforting. After close to 20years being friends 12months ago I had a dream. She was in it, she told me that she loved me and that we would always be best friends and she gave me a hug. I don’t remember any more of the dream but it kept coming back to me for days afterwards. I discovered later that week she had actually passed away in her sleep the night of my dream. She wasn’t old and she wasn’t that sick. I still cry regularly when I think of her and it has taken quite a lot of reminding not to try and ring her for a chat.
My point being, we all have friends who can come and go but sometimes there are those rare people in your life who mean something and for me the pain I have at having lost that person is not something I would replace for never having had that person in my life to begin with.
Kids can’t be wrapped in cotton wool and have to be allowed to feel things like fun and happiness, pain and loss as these are all a big part of life
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agree with this 100%. There’s nothing wrong with kids bonding with a best friend. There’s even studies that suggest people behave worse when in groups
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I’ve been scarred by bf experiences in the past…and vowed never to have one again after the hurt that comes from having someone who is huge part of your life hurt you/move on etc.
The person I consider my ‘best friend’ I rarely see. We live about 30 mins away from each other and we have our own circles of friends which rarely cross. She has known me for 19 years and knows more about me than anyone else in this world, because when we catch up for dinner every 6 months or so, it’s like time has stood still.
I think that it’s because she isn’t part of my day to day life, playdates, worklife etc that we are as close as we are. She sees Me. Not mummy/teacher/sister/wife etc. I don’t need to wear any other hat when I’m with her, so she knows the real me.
Whilst I like most of my other friends (wow, that sounds bad), I do feel that some are around because they always have been. Some because they happen to have kids the same age. Some because I make the effort.
It’s easier to not get too attached to them.
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Your post sounds identical to my best friend and I. How lucky we are!
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Yes we are
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i met my ‘best friend’ in year 7. for the next 10 years, we did everything together. we always had something to talk about and we just ‘got’ each other. but somewhere around the time i was become involved in dating and boyfriends, we drifted apart (as you do when u get older), we still remained in close contact and made efforts to do the coffees and shopping etc. but now we are 24 yrs old, i am engaged, she is pregnant, i feel that, yes we may still be ‘best friends’, but it doesnt feel like it, bcos i never see her and very rarely hear from her anymore. i know we are both busy and have our own lives now, but i feel i make more of an effort to try and get together than she does, and i guess thats why ive stopped trying to make an effort, bcos it feels that shes too busy with her own life now. makes me really sad, bcos i dont have any other close friends. so, i just keep to myself, my family and my fiance.
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Ive had one particular friend for 38 years. At some stage she was my best friend, but was jealous of my stable family (compared to hers) and was a bit mean at times. Over the years our friendship’s been up and down. I wouldn’t consider her my best friend anymore though.
I’ve moved interstate and have managed to keep the friends I made in my 20s before the move, but I’ve found friendships have been more fragile in my 30s and 40s and I’d love an active social life again.
A friend’s partner told me once that she complained about being bored but she sat at home most nights, except for when she hung out with her sisters. I wonder how many people do that.
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There is a saying that goes, “You have friends for a reason, a season, or for life.” And this has comforted me a quite a bit as I have realised that all of my friends have been for ” a reason” or “a season”. Sometimes the season lasts a few years but then as life phases change it usually peters out. And a new season of friends begins. Once you accept that it’s fine – it comes with maturity!
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Does anyone else find it really hard to make really good, close friends? Honestly, I find it harder than finding a decent boyfriend.
Sure, I have lots of friends who I catch up with now and then, but honestly? I don’t really like them that much. It’s not that I dislike them, there’s nothing wrong with them, they don’t annoy me or have traits that drive me nuts, I just don’t feel particularly close to them or that we click especially.
I could probably count two very close friends, but one lives O/S and we are both as bad as each other when it comes to contact.
How do you find the “one”, or even someone you can just open yourself up to? I know the fault is mostly with me, I set very high standards for myself and therefore others, but it’s not like I’m meeting people I like who don’t like me. I just so rarely meet women I think “gee, she’s great, I’d love to see her again”.
Any ideas?
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My best friends are my oldest friends. I love those best friends who you click with. But they never seem to last. Like relationships. They fizzle or blow up after a few years. I wonder sometimes if I should move back to my hometown purely for my old friends. But I’d miss living in the city too. So no ideas from me, sorry. But I identified with your post.
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It’s damn hard.
You connect with people because of the context – where you live/work/class at uni/playgroup etc. But to maintain that frienship when that thing changes is hard work.
I think it just takes time, and the planets need to align for the friendship to blossam.
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Sigh. I feel less alone reading this. Since meeting my now husband, and having kids, I have a dearth of good mates in my life and I do quite miss it. I really do find it harder to meet people that I connect with and I often wonder why.
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Anna, my idea is to get out there and meet more people, and therefore have a greater chance at finding someone you click with.
I would also say I don’t ‘click’ with many women. I haven’t had a ‘best friend’ since Year 9. I have lots of friends, and lots of women I’m close to in my social circle, but let’s just say there’s no-one I can call at 4am – and if my long-term boyfriend ever proposed, I would struggle to think of someone I could ask to be a bridesmaid (apart from sisters).
A while ago I was complaining about quality over quantity, so I decided to get out there and try to meet more people. So in the past few months, I have:
* started volunteering for a charity (50ish people of all ages meeting up 1-2 a month)
* got a Scoopon to do a bootcamp class in my area (20-30 people meeting once a week, and best of all it was only $18 for 20 sessions!!)
* joined a bookclub (I heard of it through a friend of a friend… didn’t know anyone when I started, now 5-15 girls meet up once a month)
Apart from the obvious benefit of meeting lots of new people every time, all of these are low-to-no cost, flexible, and although it sounds a it wishy washy, they really are very enriching and positive activities: I’m reading more, exercising more and volunteering. Can’t really ask for more than that.
As I’m still new to these things I can’t give any definite answers, but if you actually put effort into introducing yourself at things like this (instead of just sitting quietly in the back), then it’s not long before “see you at the next meeting” turns into “fancy a coffee on the weekend?” turns into a glass of wine and girly chats.
All the best x
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Jennafelicity has some great points.
I too have forced myself to get out there. I’ve done volunteer work and met some fabulous likeminded people.
I joined common interest groups too.
Some people are flakes. Some you don’t connect with. But some – with the effort – can make a difference to your life too.
Good luck.
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maybe you have high expectations on what a best friend or close friend is, I appreciate all interaction with friends, and feel lucky to have them even if they do sometimes annoy/bore me, for every time that happens, there is a time they excite and add joy to my life.
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Anna, I agree with you. It is hard to find new friends, particularly when we get older. But I also know that I am more discerning (picky). I don’t want to spend time with women who BMW ( bitch, moan & whinge). I think my expectations of fun fun fun with a friend ( like friends) is unrealistic. I want a courtney/jennifer friend.
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I miss having a bestie! I’ve moved around a lot as an adult and made good friends in every town – except this one. After almost a decade, I’m friendly with the people I work with but there’s no one I open up to, no one I socialise with.
I’m very close to my husband and children, but I have to hope nothing goes wrong – after all, who would I call in an emergency!!
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Right there with you. We’re currently expecting our second baby and I’m seriously wondering who to ask for the the midnight-look-after-the-toddler when baby comes.
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Oh Anna, I had that problem too. In the end my mum had to come from interstate a week before the due date. I hope there are some friendly people you can lean on – people are often keen to help pregnant women. Good luck!
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Anna – you may meet someone you click with at pre-natal classes.
I made wonderful friends there, and at mother’s groups after my baby was born. Check with your health practitioner and see if there are any pre-natal social groups too – if not, then start one with the help of your doctor or clinic nurse. I’m sure there are other expectant mums near you who don’t know anyone either and would LOVE to meet you and make friends.
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Interesting you say that Kathy. Aftter my son was born, my mothers group became very close friends, we met weekly and were a very important part of each others’ lives. But after a year or two, we all started to go back to work and catching up became harder. We drifted apart and it became all to apparent that apart from our kids, we had very little in common. Friends for “a season”, as someone else said so eloquently.
Funnily, one of the mothers became a best friend, but one day I “discovered” another side of her, which I’d probably always known was there. Once her backstabbing, shallow, two-faced nature could no longer be ignored, I found I wanted nothing more to do with her. I assumed I just needed some time to get over the anger, but as time went by I just didn’t feel like calling her. Struck me as odd, we’d seen each other at least once a week for three years, and I didn’t miss her one single bit. I did miss the companionship though.
We’ve moved to a new area where we know no one. We’ve joined a playgroup and I hope there’s a “second time around” mothers group for us when baby comes. I’d love to make some new local friends! Why is it so hard? We all smile at each other at the playground or pool, maybe exchange a few words, but everyone seems to scared (or can’t be bothered) starting a conversation. The dads seem much better than the mums!
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Anna I see your point. I agree it may be the fear of rejection that lives within all of us that could stops us having nothing more that a friendly ‘hi’ at the playground but wishing for something more.
Awful about your mother’s group friend – I believe betrayal by a friend is worse than betrayal by a man IMHO – it’s happened to me too.
Wish you were here – I’d invite you over for a coffee today – take care x
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Anna I had that problem too! I had to get my sister to come from interstate the week before my baby boy was due so that she could look after his big brother when we went to the hospital. And it was lucky I did, because of course we had to go in the middle of the night! I’m sure that if you ask one of the girls you’re friendly with, they won’t mind helping out. In hindsight I probably could have asked one of the girls from my mother’s group but I didn’t want to burden them when they all had little kids of their own to look after…
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I miss that too cher, I haven’t really made any close friends here in Hobart, even after 5 years and same as you – no one I can really call on in an emergency. Mostly I put it down to being too shy and lacking the confidence to put myself out there. Everyone here is very friendly but most other women I meet have lived here all their lives and already have a close circle of friends. As a girl I work with put it “I already have a too many friends, I honestly don’t have room in my life for any more”. Which I thought was kind of sad, when I would love to make more friends!
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That’s my problem here in Adelaide – their social events are already so crowded with old friends that I don’t think it occurs to them to ask anyone new. And I hate that response too – ‘I already have too many friends’. How small their worlds must be!! And how awful to miss out on meeting someone as wonderful as you.
Don’t give up! (I haven’t).
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I have had best friends come and go at varying times, sometimes it’s my fault it has fizzled… sometimes it’s theirs and sometimes it’s just life.
Right now I don’t have someone I could call my “best friend” i have a few close friends that all fulfill different parts of my life.. but out of the 7 girl dates I have set up over the past 2 months each one has been cancelled, postponed, shortened etc.
I am so over having people that are unreliable. I want a friendship that I can spend time with, not be put on the backburner until i’m needed.
I hope one day soon I find someone special that will one day be my bff.
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I hear you!
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Yeah, I hear you too! Rude people that cancel/postpone at the last minute can get you down.
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My mum and her bestie have known each other and been as close as ever for 55 odd years. They don’t live in each others’ pockets, but they are in contact at least once a week and have been through puberty, boyfriends, engagements, marriages, pregnancies, divorces, more marriages, cancer and other serious illnesses, deaths of parents and siblings, happy times, sad times, and so so much more. She took my mother sky diving at age 60 when mum was proclaimed cancer free. Mum sat with her every day while her husband was in a three week coma. If I can sustain this kind of relationship with my best friend (whom I have now known for coming on 30 years this year) I will be a very happy (and lucky!) woman.
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That’s wonderful
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You know, best friends are great and all but in all seriousness I would currently just settle for a friendship in the true sense of the word.
I have good friends, girlfriends I’ve known since I was in primary school even and I guess we would consider ourselves all best friends.
Here is my gripe – they prioritise their friendships really low. I’m in the mid 30 age group, we all have husbands and kids. I know life is busy but gee I get sick of my invites and social ideas continually being turned down. I also can’t help but get the feeling that the rare invites that are accepted are because the husband has something else to do or it is merely a chance to have a break from the kids.
Does this happen to anybody else?
The thing is – I also have a husband and children who I love spending time with. But I also like to honour my friendships and I like to try and be ‘well rounded’ by being a friend and not just a mother and wife.
A good example is late last year my good friend’s marriage when through a really rough patch and they separated for a few weeks. On the first weekend when the children were to go and stay with their father my friend had a complete meltdown. I cancelled a weekend trip away with my husband and kids to see family and whisked her away for a weekend of drinks, beach, crying, coffee, beach, more crying. We spent three full days discussing her marriage and her life and I tried all I could to prop her up and distract her from missing her kids. Thankfully they managed to reconcile and are back together but in the five months following I have had numerous social invites turned down by her and it is getting tiresome.
I’m also in a frustrated time in my life because I’m dying to see and do new things but when I arrange to meet with my girlfriends they turn down my ideas to do something different and we end up talking shit in a Coffee Club or window shopping in a major mall (blah!). Time to branch out to new friendships maybe?
Oh boy, I feel like I might be talking to myself here but gee it feels good to offload!!
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You are a great friend! That was a really selfless thing to do – giving up a weekend to deal with her needs. Sadly, alot of friendships are one-sided. You should reserve your energy for people who deserve and appreciate you!
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I hear what you’re saying – the 30s are a time when I found friends go MIA – replaced by husbands, in-laws, young kids, mother’s groups, P&C, soccer committees and yes it is tiring and tedious.
Maybe seek out some new people especially those who are older and who are busting for relief from their dull spouse and irritating in-laws. Good luck !
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I can understand both sides of the story here. Recently I returned to full time workand after feeling like i was missing my family, the second biggest hardship I went through was mising seeing my girlfrinds for catch ups during the week. I felt really disconnected from them. While their weeks were spent on playdates and catch ups, mine was work and catching up with family and doing housework. At first I tried desperatlely to organise catch ups on the weekendsonly to have the invitations cancelled at the last minute or turned down because “weekends were family time”. Which is understandable, I missed my kids and partner like crazy. But I felt like I was also giving up my precious family time to keep friendships alive. Basically I was willing to make that sacrifice once a month or so but my friends (non working) were not so forth coming. It has been a really hard thing to go through and I have lost a very dear frendship along the way because of it. But friendship are suppossed to be about give and take. Now that I have been working full time for over a year things have settled down. My weekends are so very precious to me but the main thing is to find a balance. Friendships are important too
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I know this feeling.
The friends pre kids fizzle when you have kids.
The work friends fizzle when you go on mat leave.
The playdate friends fizzle when you go back to work.
Why? Because every one assumes you are busy: with a kid, or with work. But nobody ever calls to check.
Hope things are better now.
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I had a similar situation with a friend. Her husband confessed a long standing affair on holidays to her (not the first time) and she also went into meltdown. I had her stay over more than once and stayed up late listening to her. She eventually chose to stay with him and I asked her politely to talk to a professional as I was starting to hate her husband and thought if she stayed with him I’d better not. We didn’t see her for months and the friendship has never really been the same.
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I have a couple ‘best friends’ although I don’t really like the term. I can see why UK school are banning it among their students, as for most young girls (and for some adult females) the term best friend is used to isolate, rank or devastate others around you.
Having a super close friend, one who you spend so much time with you start to feel like the same person, is to me, so similar as being in a loving, romantic relationship. Especially when that friendship breaks down. It’s almost obsessive. So I don’t count that as a best friend.
My friends become like family. I have a social circle, well a few, and a few women and a couple of men who I know I can go to in any state and be looked after, full well knowing I will reciprocate the care. Some I see everyday, some I see once every few years.
I never, ever, make friends with work colleagues. I get along with them, yes, but never make friends. Too often work friendships just turn your social time into work debrief or analysis. Booooorrrinnng.
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I call my best friend my Wife…we have grown up together, danced together and lived overseas together and we always talk at least every 2-3 days as she lives on the east side….im lucky to have her! she is probably my closest friend as we have been through alot together… ^_^
but i have formed a really close friendship with one of my work collegues she is such fun and i suppose when you see someone 5 days a week 8 hours a day your bound to form a solid relationship.
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I find that whole cliche about, “if you can count your true friends on one finger you are lucky” a load of crap. I had a really hard time at school with sickness and bullying and had absolutely no “real” friends until I was about 12 and put my immaturity aside and made friends with a girl in my street who had been in our street for as long as I could remember. We became inseparable until her family moved to QLD when we were 13. I made one other single friend at school who I became close to right after she changed schools at 14. For a lot of years I had only those two friends. My first bestfriend moved back to Sydney about 12 months later and we picked up our friendship (and so did our Mums) and the other friend and I are still great friends.
I ended up quitting school at 15, and someway somehow I made another friend via the internet (I know, I know, lame!) and our parents let us meet (mindblowing, considering my parents were so super strict) because we lived close. And it was just the other day I held that friend’s baby for the first time and rocked her to sleep. When I was 18, I went overseas on my own and met a bunch of new people. I came home and met other groups of people thru mentioned friends, by chance and even though I was by no means confident, I seem to have a never ending trove of wonderful friends as a 28 yr old woman.
Friends really do cater to different parts of your life. My first friend that I made at 12 years old is now like my sister. We have had our ups and downs and our mums are very good friends too. I dont consider her a friend, but rather family. There is not a single thing I couldn’t share… I have friends who are up to 20 years older. I have friends who I share my faith life with. I have friends who I share my immature regressed 16yr-old self with…
But at the end of the day I have my two best friends who are always going to be there. But the other friends that I have are also “The best” but there will always be just one or two that feel like home for me and I guess thats how its always going to be.
I think maybe I’m just blessed, even if sometimes I might feel alone, logically I know I always have SOMEONE to call who will be there for me.
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My best friend and I have known each other since I was 2 and she was born! Our parents were best friends for 20 years and though they aren’t close anymore, my best friend and I are.
Im 25, she 23 and from early teen years until 2 years ago, we were at the same school and church group. She is the person who was a part of every part of my life. We worked together, we gymed together, there were trips overseas, movie nights, sleep overs, countless cups of coffee. She stood with me thru my mums 2 year illness and held my hand at her funeral. She’s just like my sister.
She got a job in Canberra 18 months ago and I moved to Canada 5 months after she moved and that separation was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through and thou I’m home now, I still only see her every few months so after a 20 years of seeing each other a few times a week to only a few times a year it gets hard but we make it work through emails and skype. She is still my best friend and the only person I tell everything to. We just understand each other- we don’t have to explain everything- the other person already knows! She’s like my sister and I don’t know what I’d do without her!
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Ahhh, where to begin on how awesome my girlfriends are! How long have you got to listen?
Have 2 very close friends from school days who I catch up with every 2 or 3 months I guess. Very important to me as they have known me for such a long time, and are amongst the few who still remember my mum who I lost many years ago (before I met most of my current friends). Love them to bits. One’s grandma was friends with my grandma – it warms my hearts when I watch our little girls playing, and think, that is a 4th generation friendship. Very special.
Have 2 other extremely close friends, the three of us have been very tight for about 15 years now. We have known each other through births, deaths, and all sorts of wonderful and terrible experiences. They are like family. One of them lives close to me and we mind each others’ kids all the time, and talk on the phone at some stage most days. Can’t imagine life without them. Her kids feel like another pair of nieces.
Was reluctant to join a mums’ group, but now, after 6 years, I have lovely heartwarming friendships with about 6 of the girls. Our kids are still mates, some of them are clients now, I’m on local committees with a couple of them.
The school mums – love the friendly supportive women I’ve met there, the casual spur-of-the-moment plays after school, the willingness to help each other out if one of us needs a kid collected for school because the baby’s sick etc.
Then there are the more casual friends – old school friends I occasionally catch up with, friends I’m still in touch with from my last job, or have travelled with, friends-of-friends who I have known for many years and enjoy seeing when we cross paths, random people I’ve met and struck up friendships with from all sorts of places.
My next door neighbour, who I’ve had a lovely relationship with since they moved in about 5 years ago, and which is growing even closer now that they have their own little baby – lovely to be part of this new little person’s life, and to be able to offer some practical help here and there (eg dropping over meals and picking up milk!).
Have just spent a lovely afternoon sitting in the sun chatting with a wonderful girlfriend who I love very much while our kids played together – I know her from getting chatting at kindergym when we were pregnant with our second babies. She’s fab and I love her beautiful parenting style, her inspiring creativity, and the grace with which she’s currently handling a difficult time in her life.
Did I mention I think I’m incredibly lucky? Love my husband and kids to the moon and back, but wouldn’t be without the richness these incredible women add to my life.
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Think THAT’S the longest post I’ve ever written on here!!!
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My wife is my “best” everything ! My best male friend is unfortunately deceased
Friends tend to come and go throughout your life. Speaking for myself, with a couple of people in mind, the things that attracted me to form friendshipswith them have changed completely. The attitudes and passions that we once shared just aren’t there anymore. You find that you can no longer overlook certain actions that you once found amusing or incredibly clever.
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Great topic but terrible article by Julie Burchill. I’m sure Mamamia writers could have written a better story than this Daily Mail article. What is her point exactly apart from being so much better than everyone else.
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agreed!
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Yeah, I thought she sounded like someone I would never want to be friends with.
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I feel so lucky that I don’t have just one best friend. My partner is definitely in that category. I share everything with him. My Mum is also in that category, she is as much my friend as my mother. There is my high school best friend, still a very important part of my life. My two local best friends, who get to share all of life’s minute with. And my sister with whom I had an extremely tempestuous relationship when we were teenagers, but now is my first point of call for so many aspects of life.
And then around those people I have all the close friends and family. Gosh I feel so lucky and spoiled to have such a wealth of amazing friendship. I’ve been through some very low points where I could count my friends (let alone best friends) on one hand. But I put myself out there and made the contacts that led to those amazing friends and I value those friendships as one of the most important parts of my life.
Personally I don’t think you can separate love from friendship. Linking love to sexual love as it seems to be in this article is sad because a real close friendship is about love.
So to all my wonderful friends, I love you guys!
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The Julie Burchhill article really comes across as arrogant and nasty. “The only people i’ve ever met who are smarter than me” and the nasty comment about those only having 3 bff’s – whatevs. I think having three people who know you better than you know yourself at times, who you can come to when the going is tough as well as good, who know your life and know what you’re about, is better than having 20 not-so-close-but-cordial friends.
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I don’t think the article was meant in that way. The article said that 3-4 people can’t necessarily give you everything you need. People come and go, get busy, move on.
For me personally, I have several friends. Some are just movie and dinner friends, another I go to plays or musicals with. Another I would go dancing with. We get on and it’s great to hang out but I wouldn’t share a secret with them or call them at 3am. I do have friends that I could call at 2am and know they’d come over, as I would for them.
Different friends can give you different things. One person cannot be all things to anyone.
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I have quite a few very dear friends who I all lable as ‘my best friends’, but I couldn’t define a single one as THE best friend. They all have a place, they are all as important to me as each other.
My 3 year old has recently become obsessed with the concept of best friends. She asks me a dozen times a day if we are best friends, and anyone who she meets at daycare, the shops or park is soon asked “You my best friend?”. I know she’s annoyed at me if she announces “You not my best ever again!!” Bless her.
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I wish i had more good friends. I just wish I had friends who would like to spend time with me one on one. People who return invitations or even instigate their own. I get tired of having to do all the inviting and planning. Particularly with people who either cancel on me at the last minute or never return the favour. Am I alone in this experience?
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You just wrote exactly what I was about to. You are not alone.
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Nope, this is an on-going problem for me at the moment. I have gotten to a point where I am trying to enjoy my own company more. I have even taken to going to the movies on my own.
My friends have husbands and children, so do I. The difference is that I don’t like to wait until I am absolutely stuck with nothing to do before wanting to contact my friends. I like to prioritise my friends higher than that, unfortunately they don’t feel the same way.
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Nope. Not alone.
i would love it if my friend initiated. When I do, they say yes, and are free and happy to catch up, but gees I would love it if someone organised it first.
I often go through stages when I think ‘are they worth it’ if I need to make all the effort. I think I’m in one of those stages now.
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this is exactly the problem i have. It would be nice if someone thought to organise my birthday (rather than me) or suggest a girls weekend away, just makes me feel really low on people’s priorities
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I have always had a best friend and a tight knit group until i moved away from them all to start a new life. My hubby is the most incredible person and I enjoy spending time alone i still felt the need to be part of a group of close girlfriends similar to the ones from school, whom i still consider to be part of my bestie group even though we may only see each other once a year or even every 2. After having kids, i found the kind of friendships with the most amazing girls, we are all different and bring something unique to the group. We have friends outside of the group that we see on our own.
Friends do come and go and i have had many during my travels over the years but they are all meant to touch me in some way. I was really close with a girl who has now become heavily involved in the church and I see her only once in a while. but everytime I make a quiche i think of her as it was her recipe. People touch our lifes for a purpose. It is only after when we reflect that we discover why. Best friends are important. You cannot put value on a good friend. Despite how long they remain in your life.
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Wow Kate, that is a very honest post.
I have a dear friend who is quite a bit like Julie, right down to the stories of highschool friends turning on her because by her own admission, she deserved it.
I think it’s great that she is happy in her own company and the company of her husband. Friends are great to have around when a relationship does break down though. These are the people that will stand by you and assure you it’s not your fault even if it may well be.
As for my friend who’s exactly like Julie, I like her a lot and enjoy her company when she is there and wants to be there because sometimes when she is out with a group of us I can tell she just wants to go home.
As much as I like my loner friend, I will never put her first or consider her preferences over mine or anyone elses and I imagine most people would take the same approach with her. I know for a fact that my life runs smoother than hers 99% of the time because I have built better relationships with people and these people are always there to support me. You get what you give.
I feel bad for my friend sometimes. She doesn’t have what I have. But like Julie, she is OK with it and I guess that’s really all that matters in the end isn’t it.
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I have a best friend, we are 33 this year and we met in Year 9. Over the past 15 years we have very rarely lived in the same city or country however we have always maintained contact as often as we can.
In the past couple of years I think we have become closer than ever (still living in different cities) and we talk most days (or email or text or Facebook). She is very much a member of my family and a massive part of my life.
I have made loads of other friends over the years but she is always the one who is there for me to cry to, complain to or drink wine with like the world is going to end every time we get together!
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First – I feel like I’m always the one to correct the spelling on people’s names. But… I can’t help it. It’s Courteney, with an extra e :\
(I just lost a lot of respect didn’t I)
Second – I love how you included Edina and Patsy!!
Third – Yes. Even though I’m fifteen and still in school and all that, I do think everyone needs themselves a best friend. I have three, and I know you’re going to say they’re not all my best friends, but they are. Sarah, Didi, Maya and I are the inner circle of our group. I will do anything for those girls, and I know they’ll do anything for me.
The teenager’s definition of best friend is, ‘someone who knows every single thing about you, and likes you anyway.’
Everyone needs someone like that.
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I’m sure plenty of you will think that I’m sad, but my husband really is my best mate. I have female friends, but when I am with them, I secretly just want to be with my man. He makes me laugh and we enjoy the same things.
Between him, my sister, and my childhood best friend (who I am still close with- but might go weeks without talking to when things are hectic), I’m really satisfied, and never lonely.
Sure, I have work friends, and uni friends, and school friends- but barely see them as life gets busier.
For me it’s all about quality- and not pretending to be “popular” for my own image.
The less “balls” I am trying to juggle (work, uni, family, marriage, friendship, health, housework, etc etc) the more I am able to enjoy my life. When I am overloaded with people to see and places to go, I can’t seem to enjoy it as much.
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