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I got engaged last November. Thanks. I know – should be exciting times right? People always say planning a wedding can be difficult. That it’s hard to put up with everyone’s opinions. I thought that meant opinions on whether there should be butter cream or fondant icing on the cake, not opinions on the very personal decisions my fiancé and I make.
Last weekend at a BBQ the inevitable conversation about our upcoming nuptials came up. When someone asked what my fiancé’s surname was and continued to match it to my name, I politely informed them I would not be changing it. I was not prepared for the reaction! One man said, and I quote ‘what the hell’s the point of getting married then?’ An older couple under their breath in a mix of disgust, confusion and a little terror asked ‘What will you name the children?’ I understood that people had these opinions, but choked a little on my sausage sandwich after they voiced them … to my face!
The truth is I’ve never given changing my name one thought. I will always remain the name I was born with; that’s who I am. My mum didn’t change her name and now I wish she kind of did so people can’t just pin my decision on following my mum’s behaviour. I have some pretty strong thoughts on the topic and am surprised by the number of strong, independent women who still do change their names. Don’t they understand what it’s all about? I don’t really fancy being ‘owned’ by my husband and to tell you the truth he probably wouldn’t want to own me anyway. My thoughts are my thoughts though and I wouldn’t voice them to any newly engaged couple criticising their personal decisions.
Is the point of getting married about having the same last name? Because I was under the impression it was about that thing called love and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. To answer your question, yes, if we decide to have kids they will take the surname of my husband, mainly because of the patriarchal society we live in and my fiancée’s very traditional Italian family (who I’m sure share the same opinions as the people at the BBQ, but are too polite to voice them). I really don’t understand what the big deal is about, my mum has a different last name to me but I’ve never once been confused about if she’s my mum or not!
Yes, we live in a democracy and you’re free to voice your opinions, but don’t do it in a hurtful way, especially if you have no concrete reason to back it up with. It just makes you look stupid and archaic. I’m getting married because I’m in love. That’s the only reason; I thought it was good enough. If I’m wrong though, someone please let me know so I can get my deposit back on the venue and stop worrying about butter cream or fondant icing for the cake.
Hardly anyone hyphenates anymore but for a while there, it was kind of popular. There are some names, however, that should NEVER be joined. Check out this gallery of wedding and engagement announcements that might not have worked out so well.
Last Name Fails
Gallery originally from The Huffington Post here.
What are your thoughts on a bride changing her name after marriage?
Rebecca is the Marketing Coordinator for Business Chicks, Australia’s largest networking community for women in business. Follow Rebecca on twitter here.
Comments
516 Comments so far
“I have some pretty strong thoughts on the topic and am surprised by the number of strong, independent women who still do change their names. Don’t they understand what it’s all about? I don’t really fancy being ‘owned’ by my husband and to tell you the truth he probably wouldn’t want to own me anyway.”
I haven’t changed my name, but I find this excerpt really condescending.
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Yeah, pretty sure it just means you have the same name, no ‘ownership’ going on there..
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Just realised this could be read wrong, it was agreeing with you, rather than opposing!
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Yep. Totally condescending.
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I didn’t mean to sound condescending at all and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I was purely commenting on the origins of the tradition.
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Where do you draw the line, though? Some people argue that marriage itself has ownership origins and choose not to do it for that reason. There are a lot of aspects about marriage that have origins in patriarchy/ownership… Will you be eschewing them all? Taking some on and giving them a new meaning? I don’t mean this in a judgemental way – I’m having my own wedding this year and these issues have been something that I’ve been mulling over. I find the views of others interesting. I’m changing my name for a bunch of different reasons (none driven by ownership, and my partner does not mind either way), but I’m throwing away a lot of other things… No traditional white dress, no rings, and so on. I realise I probably seem really inconsistent! Ramble over.
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I hear you – where do you draw the line? I think we’re on the same page … it all comes down to choice. I truly respect everyone right to choose no matter your reasons. What I wrote about is just mine.
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Totally get where you’re coming from. Thanks for the response (and the article – I know these topics are covered often, but I find the differing views fascinating).
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It is true though. Men traditionally take ownership of a woman from her father. Nothing wrong with being aware of a tradition’s origins.
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I have a German last name and people constantly comment on it, which is très annoying. Plus I have to spell it all the time, and people get it wrong. It is commonly spelled with a T at the end, and I had one lady say to me when I was 20 “Are you sure there is no T at the end?” Um, last time I checked?
My boyfriend has quite an easy last name, three letters. I want to change mine to his when we get married. (Hyphenated wouldn’t work)
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I have an easy, four letter, common as anything last name and I still have to spell it every time. Never underestimate people’s ability to misspell even the simplest of names!
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I changed mine, to Smith, and I still have to spell it! Go figure
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Man, I get that too. My maiden name was tricky and now my married name is tricky as well. It’s a very common name but it’s spelt a little differently that most people expect and I get that all the time – “Are you sure that’s how you spell it?”. Um, only had it for a couple of years but pretty sure, thanks.
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I didn’t change my name, didn’t even really consider it.
If my husband had wanted me to, there would have been many, many discussions and questions. Foremost – why is tradition so important to you? and Where do you draw the line with that?
People have said to me that it is insulting to my husband and disrespectful that I didn’t change my name – to them I say, sorry to smash your paradigm, but actually my husband and I don’t abide by the same invisible laws that you do.
I have also been asked “oh no, now what will we call you?”…um, what did you call us before the wedding? Kate and Sam, so you can keep calling us kate and sam. And if you need to, Kate, Sam and the kids.
I used to think that a ‘family’ name, would be cool and useful and ‘uniting’. But, I didn’t want to sacrifice myself for that, and I don’t expect my husband to.
The most important thing in my life is being myself, and then being my husbands wife. However, I know for some women marriage is the be all and end all, and they can’t wait to change their name.
There are many reasons to change your name – simplicity, tradition, a way of shouting from the rooftops that you;re married, appeasing family – none of these do it for me!
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I was staunchly never going to change my name. I thought it was pointless in this day and age and also thought along the lines of “you don’t own me, I’m my own person.”
And then I got married, and my opinion changed. I found I wanted to change my name, hubby couldn’t have cared less! (Much to my chagrin).
So why did I change my mind? It wasn’t due to outside pressures, as my friends and family really couldn’t have cared less.
In the end I decided I wanted us to be known as “The Mahoneys”. I felt we were forming our own little family unit and I wanted to brand us. (obviously the PR chick in me coming out). And I won’t lie, I liked the idea of having the same last name as my husband and kids.
Its a little disingenious to say that the idea of taking your husbands name is tantamount to being owned. We aren’t in the 50s anymore. You can be your own person, and make your own decisions, with or without the last name change.
I think the lovely thing about getting married nowadays is that it is totally your choice. Choice being the operative word. And there’s nothing stupid or archaic about that.
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Well said!
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I kept my own name and am now pregnant – we’re planning to give the baby my surname. That might raise some eyebrows!
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That is my plan (I’m not even close to being engaged tho). I am one of 5 daughters and 1 son and my brother and his kids have hyphenated surnames. All my sisters have taken their husbands name, as have their kids. I think it would be special to my dad if I kept our family name going, also I am the third generation with my initials (grandfather, dad and me) and I want to continue that tradition with my first child as well.
I don’t love my surname, but I’m happy to do this for dad.
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HAHA! Some of the hyphenated surnames in he gallery are HILARIOUS!
Personally I don’t give a single shit about what other people decide to do with their surnames when they’re married. I know plenty of women who have kept their maiden names (my mother and family friends included) and have never given it a second thought.
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I changed my name, and it annoys the hell out of me when people make any type of assumption as to why I did….it does not mean that your husband owns you, or that youbare not strong, or independent or lack of identity. What it ‘means’ is completely up to the individual, and it probably means nothing more than the wife wanting everyone in the family to share a surname. Clearly this could be achieved by the husband changing his name, but if you are strong, independent etc, it is probably no big deal and requires no existential crisis to change your surname!
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I took my partner’s name when we got married. Personally, I never saw it as a big issue. I wasn’t attached to my name, it was hard to spell, to pronounce. And, like you, my mother never changed her name so it’s not like my whole family had the same name for me to be attached to in the first place.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I just don’t think it really matters in the long run. You like your name? Keep it. Don’t like it? Change it. It doesn’t have to be a big issue, and it’s nobody’s business but yours!
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Just wanted to add, my maiden name was Veitch and my married name is Howse. People thought I might hyphenate to Beach-House.
Could be worse. My friends are Quick and Lee, at their wedding in the speeches it was noted no one was allowed to marry in unless their last name was funny with Quick. Spoken by Mrs Quick-Trim.
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Each to their own. Just as a name is personal, so is this a personal decision.
I’ve had a few grooms take on their wife’s surname and I’ve heard of some couples creating an entirely new surname to take together.
Do whatever makes you happy – your name, your life!
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Ooooh, I’d love to do that, create a new surname. That would be the ultimate expression of love.
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I’ve never heard of people creating new surnames to take on together. There are no limits as to how far some people will go to appear cool and original. How ridiculous.
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Why is it ridiculous to create a new surname but ok for a woman to take a man’s name?
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The celebrants I know who’ve seen this done assure me that it’s not always out of a desire to appear ‘cool’ or ‘original’.
Sometimes both parties have traumatic associations with their surname (e.g., a parent that was abusive or walked out on them) and they don’t want the memories that go with the name. They simply want a fresh start.
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I intend to take my partners name when I get married, simply as I like it better and it is important to him. However, I will be changing my middle name to include my maiden name. It’s just for me that way, but makes the whole thing easier.
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I did this. Things I learnt:
- In NSW (not sure about other states) you have to do an official change of name, you can’t change your middle name after marriage, only your surname. So additional cost and hassle
- A lot of people see my full name and assume I have hyphenated. So my husband gets called “hisfirstname mymaidenname hissurname” quite a lot. I initially wanted to incorporate my name into my childrens’ names, but for similar reasons I have given them a middle name that comes from my side of the family, but that isn’t my madien name.
- I thought my Mum, who is pretty traditional, would like me keeping my maiden name in some way. But she still wasn’t happy with this option. She said she was sad for me to lose my old middle name, despite me never using it. You can’t please everyone, so silly to try.
I am a few years post name change and I still have moments of regret! I hope that they will fade. Its not an easy decision, glad people can choose what works for them. Wish the process was simpler though!
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Thanks a million Clare! You’ve answered all my questions!
My partner and I are close to getting engaged and I was thinking of all this just last night.
I am also from NSW, so I imagined I’d have to do the paperwork twice.
Although the idea of getting a new everything is a bit annoying.
My idea is that my middle names will be just for official things, but in regular life I will just go by my partners name.
I was the first born in this generation our family with my maiden name, and we are overwhelmingly girls. The idea of losing it makes me sad I guess.
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Glad to help. I rang births, deaths and marriages a number of times before I was sure I couldn’t do it any other way.
For us, it was really important to my husband that our kids have his surname as he was the last male left to pass it on in his generation. So if that was going to happen It just ‘felt right’ to me to have that surname too. But that surname is pretty common and my maiden name is pretty unusual. So I use my full name as a bit of a brand, so I am probably encouraging people to think I have hyphenated!
It helped that I am just building a new career in a new field, so professionally it wasn’t as much of an impact as it might have been.
B, have a wonderful wedding and life together!
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I changed and regretted it. I went from an unusual surname to a common one and now often have to clarify who I am at places like the doctors surgery. Also not sure I still want to be married so what will I do about my name then ?
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I never thought twice about changing my name when I got married. I have always been a traditionalist with such things and it had never been done any other way in either of our families. I also thought it would be nice if we had children that we would all be “The … Family”. So for 10 yrs it was all fine and dandy. Us and our son shared a name. Then he out of nowhere up and left. Noone saw it coming so once the dust settled I thought about the name thing. I’d been Mrs .. for over a decade so what would I do? I’m a professional and had only been known by my married name by hundreds and hundreds of people. Most friends I knew who’d divorced kept their name for the sake of still having that tie with their children. As much as my 1 and only child meant the world to me, there were many reasons why I could not keep that name. 1) I was no longer associated with his family and did not want to be so keeping that name was just a horrible thought 2) my ex husband impregnated the woman he left me for and would have another child with the same last name. I was not and did not want to be associated with all of that and if at some point they ever get married she would be Mrs … and I def would NOT want the same surname as the woman who played her part in ending our marriage. The one thing that pained me to make the change was that my child is my only known biological relative and we are extremely close. I knew that would be hard but it was something I had to do. I knew changing it would be a painful process as it has to be done so many times! And that going by a new name in my workplace would raise eyebrows and a lot of questions as to what happened etc. But I’m so glad that I did
I went back to my maiden name around this time last year. I v nervously raised the name issue with the ex husband, as an innocent question from my son one night ended with him realising I no longer had the same last name ahd he burst into tears and said he wanted the same name as me. This then resulted in a stalemate for a while with my ex as he did not want it but my son begged for him to allow a change. Eventually he agreed on hyphenating (in the order that he was most comfortable with) and this has now all been filed and we are just awaiting a new birth certificate. So my child is happy & I am very happy that we still share a name link (and given he lives with me and I enrol him in activities etc it takes away the confusion). I love using my maiden name again, got persnalised plates with my maiden name initials, the kids and adults alike at work are finally getting used to my last name and while it was tricky at first, in time it will be like I was never anything else! I can’t see myself ever having any more children given my age, but IF I was ever to marry again, I would remain my maiden name. I have the link with my child and my family this way & it was such a hassle changing back to maiden name with things like Super company that there is no way I am going through that hassle again! My son is hyphenated and if he should ever want to amend his name as an adult the choice is totally his 
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Not sure if this has been mentioned already, but I wanted to point out that you can use your husband’s surname without actually having to legally change it. In Australia you can have a legal name and a name of association, so there’s nothing stopping you not legally changing your name at all – i.e. bank, licence, everything still in your maiden name, but using your husband’s surname (or a combination of both, or a new one) socially. for some, that is the best of both world – no paperwork, no complete loss of your maiden name. Does anyone have experience with this, who may be able to comment on how this works for them?
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