My husband and I have sex almost every day which after three children, eight years of marriage and two demanding schedules is quite an achievement. But it isn’t very good. And we don’t care one bit.
It isn’t difficult for couples to have sex every day. The problem is that couples expect to have good sex every day. This is what creates a pressure-filled situation ripe for failure. We have bad sex most days and good sex about once a month. And yet we are happy, connected, fulfilled and a little bit pleased with ourselves.
We’ve always been pretty good in this department but we’ve had moments when it’s waned and the effect on the rest of our relationship has been damaging. I’m too tired, he feels rejected, I feel pressured, he feels disconnected, I feel resentful, he feels lonely, I feel lonely….all because we didn’t take ten minutes out of our day for good/bad/adequate sex.
We struggled the most with sex when we lost all our money in the Global Financial Crisis. I was feeling resentful and he was feeling exhausted. This was about the time when a couple of books were released by escorts. One of the escorts was interviewed in a newspaper and I’ll never forget what she said. She said most of her business was from married men and the sex they had wasn’t anything special but they came to her because they weren’t getting it at home. She said something like – if most women took just ten minutes out of their day to have sex with their husband, even when they weren’t in the mood, then she wouldn’t have any clients.
Sex is different for women and men. To me I have to feel loved, connected and happy to have sex. On the other hand, sex leaves my husband feeling loved, connected and happy. See?
Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m half asleep, sometimes I’m reading, but he knows he’s always able to go ahead with it and if I’m in the mood I’ll join in. If not I’ve just sacrificed ten minutes out of my day so we are both left feeling connected and free of any guilt.
I can safely say that sex or lack-there-of is no longer an issue for us. Sex as an issue has been completely removed. It leaves us free to focus on other issues and it makes our marriage so much better. He doesn’t feel like he has to beg, I don’t feel used, he doesn’t feel rejected and I don’t feel guilty.
We laugh about it. We joke about the quality of it and give ourselves a pat on the back when it’s better than normal. The key word here is ‘we’ because we are in it together, good or bad, and that’s what a long-term relationship is all about. I joke that I wish there was nasal technology to make him go faster, not slower. He tries to make it so that I want to put the book down. I keep trying to concentrate on it. I usually put it down.
You know what you have to do now, right? It’s just ten minutes. And who knows, you might even enjoy it. But have the conversation first. Remove the confusion. Let it be known that you are open for business and let go of any resentment. Your entire relationship will improve. I guarantee.
Jo Abi is the author of the book How to Date a Dad: a dating guide released by Hachette Livre Australia. You can read more about her many and various exploits here.
How often do you and your partner have sex?
Comments
286 Comments so far
The title of the article has changed a couple of times. I note with interest that with the title changes the tone of the comments has changed.
Very interesting !
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Is that was it is? I thought I was picking up something ‘off’ about the comments, and how one minute they were one way, then the other minute, completely another
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Yep, Jo. I’m with you. I treat it like brushing my teeth or exercise. Non-negotiable – unless one of us is sick. Sometimes it’s so-so but even bad sex is better than no-sex. I reckon we do it almost every day too. And we’ve been married 7 years!
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Like brushing your teeth?? Oh goodness what is the world coming to.
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I can totally relate to this Jo and thank you for writing it. I never thought sex was important until I had a talk about it with my husband one day and he explained what it means to him and how it helps him feel connected.
I now make the effort to do it at least 4 times a week and it’s transformed our relationship. Great advice!
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Wow Jo – every day? That’s so impressive with 3 kids! Can I ask – where you do it? That’s the biggest challenge I find when you have kids. lol
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We go into the bathroom and do it standing up while holding the door shut. You gotta do what you gotta do…..
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Quicker standing up, puts kids tv show on and slip in a quickie before its over ( and I’m talking pingu or postman pat, not a movie!!!) makes him relaxed, and stops his nagging, which gives me a better nights sleep and les nagging for sex ( I get nagged for everything else tho!)
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My husband and I set the alarm for 5:30 am to get a quick one in three times a week before the kids wake up. Works for us. May sound unromantic but Jo is totally right. You have to make it a priority and have a laugh.
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Get a lock for your bedroom door! My hubby and I don’t have sex every day but there is never a no on either side if the other wants it, sometimes I don’t always feel like it but always end up into it, I’m a firm believer that for the sake of the relationship you need to ‘take one for the team’ every now and then.
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Great post and 1000% agree. We don’t get around to it every day but a lot of the sex we have could be described as ‘bad’. Just like a lot of the meals I cook could be described the same way.
But that’s part of life!
Better to have a bad meal than to go hungry.
Etc.
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Yes! Yes! Yes! It doesn’t have to be magic and fireworks every time! Sometimes it’s just a way to feel closer.
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Bravo Jo. Loved this.
There’s a point to be made about the things we do for our partners that we may not be 100% into. Like, if he knows you really like to talk or receive flowers or have the dishwasher unstacked, does he do it even though he doesn’t really want to….isn’t that just part of the give and take?
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Thanks for your honesty. I wish it was more socially acceptable to acknowledge that sex doesn’t always have to be movie-star incredible to be worthwhile.
It sounds like you and your man have an awesome relationship and love each other a lot. Kudos for that.
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I see absolutely nothing wrong with this honest article and those that are bagging it and the author need to pull that pole out of their arses.
Our sex is almost always rather mediocre, but it’s one-on-one attention in an otherwise “no time to look at each other” day and I love that, even if I’m tired. It’s not every day, but we get about 4 in a week.
We probably ‘reject’ each other once a month or so. The rest of the time we go ahead and do it, whomever initiated it, and feel so much closer for it.
Yet again, this is a topic that is different for everyone – don’t bag someone else’s life IF YOU AREN’T THEM.
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Totally agree.
Get over yourselves MM readers and face reality.
When I first met my hubby, we had wild, hot, crazy passionate sex three times a day for a year….10 years later, we both have demanding jobs, twin boys, and are lucky to have sex 3 x times a month….
my hubby wants it lots more than me, and i feel really mean denying him…but I have put on about 20kgs since we have married, and I hate the way I look nicky noo, so I avoid it…
BUT – it is really important to him..and I very much love him, so I often do it, when I am not in the mood, or feeling like it – because I love him, and he acknowledges that we are working together as a couple to satisfy his (and my – occasional) physiological urges….
If i was still a size 10, and felt hot and sexy..would we do it more??…yes ..probably, but thats not the case at the moment…
the point that i am making is that when we actually do have sex, it brings us closer and i ALWAYS think – hmmm that was good, (even if its a 10min average quickie) we should really do that more often…
so every day would be too much for me, but I can see what the author is saying…
ALSO – just want to say that I have been a MM reader for many years, and if an article doesnt appeal, I just dont read it…simple as that….but there are still plenty that do appeal…
treat this site like a newspaper or a magazine…you are not going to want to read every article – and thats OK…get of your high horses and appreciate this site for what it is..
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Nicky Noo! Love it.
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ahem sister … someone had to say this and I’m glad it was you Jo – pat on the back – sex does not always have to be fireworks and earthquakes … some times it can just be bread and butter and not the whole triffle – we often settle for the pre kids up quickie and then we do feel rather smug with ourselves all day for making it work – best to you – Le
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If the lack of 10 minutes worth of bad sex results in this lady’s partner feeling lonely … rejected … disconnected … in the space of a day … then I would seriously question the depth of intimacy or real friendship in this relationship. In other words – if we took the sex away from this couple, what would they have left? Sounds like nothing much.
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three children, two careers and eight years of sex ….
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I totally relate to what Jo’s husband said. It’s just how I feel connected to my partner. Similarly, when I’m with my family or friends I want to sit physically close to them, touch their arm when I speak, etc – I feel connected to people through physical proximity. Sex for me is the ultimate was to connect with my partner, and I start feeling lonely if I don’t have it. It’s not to do with the relationship, it’s to do with how people feel loved and connected.
Some people feel loved and connected when their partner makes them a tea and a nice meal. Some people get it through making love. Who’s to judge?
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We’ve gone through times of struggle. He thought my not being in the mood was a reflection of my feelings for him. We put effort in now and it has paid off. It was a problem for stretches of time and that’s when it took time for it to affect him. I just said no while Revenge is on. No tantrums. He totally understands that Revenge is off limits.
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This article made me cringe the whole way through. I can’t believe this has been published – why oh why is this being held up as a good example of a marriage/sexual relationship? Yes it may work for some, but overall it makes women think this is the societal norm for a ‘good marriage’ when in fact I bet a lot of people who have sex once a month have a better marriage than lots of those who are doing it everyday! Not to mention I can bet which relationship will be the one winning the award for longevity, given there will be times when sex may not be possible at some point along the road…
Marriage is about so much more than sex, yes it’s an important component but I think this kind of approach being presented just builds resentment.
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I strongly disagree with this article, but I think it’s an essential discussion for us to be having as a society, so for that reason, I’m glad it was posted
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You can disagree but different people, different marriages. I can tell you that my marriage is way better with regular average sex than how it was once a month. I actually put an ultimatum to my spouse that we have to have it regularly after a dry spell.
It’s part of the ‘institution’ of marriage and I expect it just as I expect communication or respect. And hopefully that makes my husband really happy as well!
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Everyone is different.
EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.
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I wonder what your partner would really say how he feels about sex once a month and how sex isn’t important in a relationship. Maybe that is just your opinion. I haven’t met too many men who say they are getting too much sex.
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Why does everyone assume I resent it? I wouldn’t do it if it did and he wouldn’t do it if it left me feeling resentful. Everything we do makes us closer or we wouldn’t do it. Is it so bad to try and commit to regularity and hope for quality? I am proud that we put so much thought and effort into our relationship. We have disagreements but not about this.
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Thank you Jo for writing so honestly and openly. Whatever you cats are doing is totally working for you. Bravo.
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‘cats”? too funny. Totally agree Mia, Jo’s article is a very important one.
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If i’m not in the mood then i don’t have sex with my boyfriend.
Although 95% of the time, i’m always in the mood. However, there have been a couple of times where i’ve been too tired/lazy but my bf really wanted it, so i was happy to be a ‘starfish’ and just lie there while he did his thing.
I’ve been with my bf 6 months and we don’t live together but we see each other a lot, the only time we don’t have sex is when i have my period.
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I don’t think the ‘wives’ who don’t put out daily are doing so because they don’t want to feel sexual pleasure daily. It’s that having sex doesn’t equate with pleasure for them. Anyone who doesn’t want to have sex all the time, male or female, isn’t with a partner who is interested in really indulging their particular set of perversions. If partners were open and honest about what really turns them on, and could feel fine about indulging their partners’ desires with respect, this article wouldn’t have been written. This ‘shut up and just take it for the sake of your marriage’ is really about women’s sexualities not having the supportive context they need to fully develop and be indulged.
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“Sex is different for women and men. To me I have to feel loved, connected and happy to have sex. On the other hand, sex leaves my husband feeling loved, connected and happy.”
This is not a universal truth. We teach men to be emotionally stunted and fearful of their own feelings. We teach women that to enjoy—or, shock horror, to pursue—sex is somehow shameful and unladylike. None of this is true.
Shame on you for perpetuating this ugly, regressive nonsense. Go have a real conversation with your husband. If you’re ignoring your husband and reading a book during sex, your unwilling vagina isn’t the only thing that’s getting f*cked.
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You quoted me talking about me and my husband, not all men and all women. I wasn’t trying to perpetuate anything. I hope everyone talks about it in their relationships and come up with a solution for them. We laugh about it and do our best.
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Laughter is the best aphrodisiac……
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Thanks Mia but I might write about hair colour and vegemite vs marmite next. I might be brave for writing this post but you started this site and gave us a voice. And boy are we using them! X
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“Ugly regressive nonsense”??? Sounds like you seriously need some endorphins.
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I agree.
Many women feel the need to have sex in order to feel loved and connected. I think women are more prone to lose their sex drive due to issues in life such as pmt, childbirth, exhaustion, relationship trouble etc. This is what maintains the myth that men are like ‘this’ and women are like ‘that’.
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At work I listen to all my colleagues complain about how little sex they get. Some are borderline clinically depressed about it, the rest just feel unloved, abandoned and misunderstood. They daren’t say anything to their wives, mindful of her right to not be in the mood, to have had a bad day, and to not be “there to service his needs”. So they silently put up with it, when they are completely miserable. And how awful would it be to hear your spouse say “sorry honey, I just don’t feel like sex with you.” Soul destroying.
Reading a lot of the comments below, I wonder how many of you ladies who say your husband is OK with you only engaging in sex when you are 100% in the mood know whether or not he really is (not that he wants to rape you, just that he’d prefer it more often). The marriage is about both of you, and constantly saying “we’ll only have sex when I’m in the mood for it” means that your sexual relationship only considers the needs of one, not both.
How would you feel if he came home and said “I’m sorry honey, I’m just not in the mood to listen to you talk all about your day, maybe on the weekend when I’m more relaxed”? Consider that men can feel the need for sex the way women feel the need to talk about their problems and issues.
And please, please, everyone, get over the “book” comment.
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It goes both ways. I’m sure most of us women actually wouldn’t want our men to have sex if they weren’t in the mood either. I see sex as something that both parties do when they’re in the mood. I’m funny like that.
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The only time we have had sex when he wasn’t in the mood was during baby making.
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I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that if my Husband wasn’t in the mood for sex, I wouldn’t be nagging him into it. In fact, lately he HASN’T wanted sex (he had surgery a little while ago) and we’ve agreed that when he’s ready to launch back into things, he’ll let me know. Until then, I’m not taking it personally and I sure as hell am not going to put pressure on him – that’s not the way relationships work. In terms of the amount of sex, we’ve settled on an amount that we feel is right for US – not just for me. Some weeks it’s more, some it’s less – but it averages out about 3 times a week which suits us.
Recent surgery aside, I know that if he’s had a shit day at work, he’s not going to be in the mood for sex and I also know to give him some space – he’s not going to want to hear about the details of my day and that’s fine.
In this marriage, we’re considerate of each other. One persons needs aren’t more important than the other. It’s all about keeping communication open, taking care of each other and compromising. For example – I don’t feel much like sex during my period but I’m not going to deprive Husband of any form of intimacy – I enjoy giving him a hand job or blow job if full-blown sex is not an option. And sometimes if neither of us is in the mood for sex, a long hot shower together is just perfect.
[ http://perthwife.wordpress.com/ ]
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Maybe half the problem is that these men should be working when they’re at work, then when they’re at home, start ‘daring’ to speak to their wives. Why on earth should all and sundry but the wives be privvy to this info?
If someone’s soul is destroyed by someone being told they’re not in the mood, then I’d suggest they have bigger problems. Everyone gets told they’re not in the mood at some point. Let’s face it: we all get sick, tired, etc. Men are not immune to that fact, and even, *gasp* sometimes aren’t in the mood either.
I don’t think any woman says, ‘we’ll only have sex when I’m in the mood for it’. It’s more, ‘we’ll only have sex when WE’RE in the mood for it’, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
When I have sex, the turn on is the being wanted, and I know that’s no different for men. When I’m reading a book, I want to enjoy it. When I’m sleeping, I want to enjoy that. When I’m having sex, I want both people feeling some ethusiam about it, enjoying it, whether it’s a stellar effort or a lazy shag.
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I know men who haven’t had sex with their wives for years. These guys used to be confident, but years of being rejected (and not just when they want sex, but any kind of physical affection) has made them terribly insecure and filled with self loathing. Their wives made them feel like they were thoughtless pigs for wanting sex, so conversations about it went nowhere.
If a woman is only in the mood once a month, I’d hazard a guess that most guys are going to jump at the chance even if they aren’t really in the mood, because having sex they don’t really want now is better than going 2 months without sex.
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Obviously, if a woman isn’t having sex with their partner for that many years, there must be other problems within that relationship, though.
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Not really. I know these women, and I know their attitude is that now that they’re married (and know there’s no way their husbands would ever leave them) and have the kids they want, they have no reason to have sex ever again.
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Have they actually told you this? Because I could imagine any number of scenarios where a woman might not want it. There could be medical reasons, their hubby might’ve let themselves go and don’t make an effort anymore, and so on
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Yes, they have actually told me this. I actually know a lot of women who think like this. I had thought it was just previous generations, but these days I know young women who can’t wait to get married so they don’t have to “put out” again.
“Their hubby might have let themselves go”
Seriously? If we were discussing a woman who had been rejected every single time by her husband for years would you suggest it must be her fault for ‘letting herself go’?
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If it’s a hygiene thing, then yeah. That can be a turn off if we’re talking about basic personal grooming
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I completely agree with you, it’s such a common occurrence, wives not wanting sex and a sexless marriage. So common.
But I’m curious to know why their husbands would not leave them? and how can they be sure of this?
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But that is very very common. Marriages where the woman does not want sex and this goes on for years. This is the issue, it’s a huge problem.
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Whats wrong with spooning if you are both too tired? A good spoon can sometimes be better then ‘bad sex’, well at least in my relationship.
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We certainly love a good spoon too! Actually I think it may be the foundation of our relationship!
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Unlike alot of you, I didn’t read it that he would just jump on and have his way while she read, I thought it was more that her hubby would initiate foreplay and then go from there. My hubby does the same thing and more often than not the kissing and caressing gets me going and it’s not always earth shattering, but I always feel closer to my hubby. I had a friend, who I always thought wad a little straight laced, tell me that she gave her hubby an orgasm a day, however way it happened. She said it made him happier and their relationship was better. I was really shocked, but when I thought about it, it made sense. Imagine if our hubby ignored us, no kissing, cuddling, kind words etc. Well i have come to realize that a lot of men need that physical intimacy to feel loved, wanted and connected. Even if you need to schedule it in a few times a week and do it no matter what, your relationship does benefit and in the long run it will become more spontaneous again. It’s no different to compromising in arguments, sometimes you need to meet past where you think is halfway for the benefit of your relationship, not just to satisfy your pride.
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An orgasm a day shocked you?! Really?
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Is that Harry Potter Lego??? Cause I’m pretty sure that’s not Ginny…….
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Brave article Jo, I really enjoyed it.
If I were in a long term relationship I think I’d be the same but of course there’s going to be somedays when it’s just not possible.
I think the main thing to take from this article is to find balance between both your own sex drive and that of your partners. It can be tricky!
I think you’re one of the lucky ones Jo!
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I find this article really sad and backward. Its like reading an article from the 1950s telling women to attend to their marital duties even if they’re not in the mood. It feels so wrong to me for your husband to have sex with you while you’re reading/half asleep and not into it. Its just like you’re a blow up doll and makes me feel sick :S. I can’t understand how anyone could be aroused and continue to have sex with someone who wasn’t into it or engaging. I know you’re married and obviously love each other but the image just reminds me of rape type scenarios. The whole tone of the article just feels really outdated to me and I am disappointed Mamamia chose to publish it. The comment about the escort and her married men clients implies if wives don’t put out enough then they can expect their husband to trot off to a prostitute! I think women have enough pressure on them and this article just encourages more pressure for women to have sex everyday for the sake of their marriage.
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I agree.
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It’s NOT rape if she is a willing (if bored) participant, which she clearly is. For God’s sake.
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I wasn’t implying it was rape! I am saying reading about it REMINDED me of rape scenarios and I felt uncomfortable. Clearly it is not rape as the author consents.
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Oh no, is it really backward to communicate and try and solve a problem? We are both happy and relaxed about it. Sleepy sex is lovely and I always put the book down, except for a joke. And the escort, I just read that interview during a time when we were in a financially induced drought. We love each other so much and we love how connected we are. He would never do it if it hurt or upset me.
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I don’t doubt that it works for you. I just don’t find it appropriate to encourage other women to do the same.
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I do. I think the idea of outsourcing this function is appropriate, but people with religious persuasions still see the monogamy as their saving grace. Sex is fun and it is something my wife does not have to do all the time if she does not feel like it. She does not clean all the time – that’s what cleaner is for, she does not cook all the time – we both do or we go out… so why not have your husband go out at times to a party where he can let his hair down (if he has any left
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Hell why not?! Do you realise why most marriages end – lack of sex! Also the reason many men cheat and there are so any miserable messages.
And of course women who are denied sex in a marriage/relationship will also have affairs.
Sex is extremely important in a relationship and it’s time that women stopped pretending that it doesn’t matter. And think it’s acceptable to consistently refuse sex in a marriage/relationship. It’s not ok. And we have to stop bagging me for wanting sex.
Sex is an important element of marriage and if a woman, or a man, does not want it then they need to address the problem. Not ignore it or criticise the man for wanting it.
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Most marriages end because of lack of sex? Nonsense! It is rarely as simple as that. Women or men who are denied sex will not automatically have affairs! They may choose to but they may also choose to when theyre getting plenty of sex too! Anyway I have no problem with articles advocating the importance of sex in marriages. What i DO have a problem with is an article advocating having sex with your partner even when you don’t want to and giving them a free pass to your body whenever and whatever you’re doing..reading, sleeping, anything. I think its incredibly dangerous to say this as some men will read this and see it as a go ahead to get their way with their partners whenever they want. Just because Jo says she is open for service whenever does not mean all women are and this is a dangerous message to promote especially after a date rape article !! I find it incredibly irresponsible.
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10 minutes?????
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I agree
That was my first thought, even bad sex lasts longer than 10 minutes in my household.
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10-15. Have two kids close together and you will speed up too. About once or twice a month it lasts much longer.
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Haha! Sorry Jo, I’ve got two close together too (18months apart). 10 minutes isn’t long enough for either of us!
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16 months apart for me. 10-15 is enough for him but not for me. When I can concentrate we take a lot longer. If only I could stop the to do list in my head and all the other distractions.
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Thanks for responding Jo – I’m glad you guys have found what works for you. All the best xxx
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Maybe mine are too far apart then? I doubt spacing of kids has much to do with it though – I have 4 children and 10 minutes has never happened. Sometimes I am quite quick but my husband isn’t.
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Bad sex is definitely not good for a relationship! My husband and I are currently seeing a doctor to resolve our bad sex issues before it destroys our relationship completely. I’ve spent the last 13 years putting up with crap sex to keep my husband happy and let me tell you, our relationship is not better for it and I am not a happy little wifey.
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Can I ask what you mean by “bad sex”? I’m genuinely curious – we mostly have what you would call “bad sex”, where I do it but don’t really want to. It only bothers me sometimes, in that “hurry up and get it over with” way, but when I am in the mood he goes all out for me and it’s fantastic.
Is this kind of what you had or was it always bad?
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Bad sex as in he never lasts more than 60 to 90 seconds, and never has. If I held out for good sex we’d never actually have sex, so I just make the most of the tiny amount of time I have when we are having sex and then masturbate later.
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wow… i had no idea sex COULD be that bad… ongoingly… condolences… rough gig…
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So why not mutually masturbate. We seem to lack confidence to touch our partners.
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Have you tried him masturbating you first? Then the lack of his staying power might not be as disappointing? I think a sex therapist might be able to teach you both techniques to give him a bit more staying power too. Good luck.
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I don’t think Jo is telling us to have bad sex. I think her point is that instead of holding out for great sex because we’re not in the mood/too tired/too busy/too stressed/too ‘whatever’ that sometimes it’s ok to go ahead without the expectation that it has to be amazing every single time.
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I know, it’s just a sensitive point for me. To be told just to put up with it for the sake of my marriage is just bit too much for me today, maybe because we’ve got another Dr appointment coming up this week.
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Don’t think Jo was telling anyone what to do. Just what she and her husb do.
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“You know what you have to do now, right? It’s just ten minutes. And who knows, you might even enjoy it. ”
I agree, this article would have been fine if she didn’t imply it’s what we all have to do to keep our husbands from going to prostitutes. She should have just left it at ‘this is what works for us’ rather than ‘this is what all women should do’. Not all men want sex everyday either, I question whether this would work in the reverse scenario.
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No, I think she was just stating the facts. If men do not get sex they will either have affairs or go to prostitutes. It’s a fact and should be acknowledged.
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You put up with crap sex for 13 years????? DId he know during that time that you thought it was crap?
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Gutsy artical!
I totally get where the author is coming from. I think what she is saying in that the busy grind of daily life, time and energy sometimes get in the way firworks and romance. In a loving relationship comprimise is key.
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I liked this article. Like the author, I have 3 children and have been married for more than a decade. My husband and I definitely have our nights of mind blowing sex, but often at the end of a day looking after the kids, I’m tired and don’t really feel like it.
Rather than continually putting him off, we will have sex that is not mind-blowing for me necessarily but it means we are still intimate, still looking into each other’s eyes and still connecting. I think I may be unusual (?) but I can pretty much have sex without any foreplay. Or maybe that’s life after 3 kids??!
I don’t resent it at all. In fact, i’m pretty happy that he is satisfied and I can GO BACK! to reading my book.
Works for us anyway.
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I would feel pretty stressed if I had to have sex every day. One more thing on the pressure list. And sometimes I really can’t stand being touched. To tired, to stressed to busy. No way.
I do commit to once a week though and sometimes more often if I am feeling generous or in the mood.
Luckily my husband doesn’t feel like it every day or I would feel guilty.
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Ok, the author of this article has found something that she thinks works for her and her relationship. Good for her.
But it’s not going to be the same for every couple.
And I have a few issues with what she has said..
If your relationship suffers due to lack of sex over a relatively short amount of time.. I have to wonder how it would react if a real crisis should come about. Where it were physically and emotionally impossible not to go there. I know (from experience) my relationship would maintain the intimacy, because it takes work how to learn to do that without sex.
She’s taken advice from an escort, who benefits from infidelity. And lets not use these men not “getting it enough” as an excuse to cheat and hurt their wife. These men weren’t strong enough to work through their problems and run through the highs and lows of a relationship.
If the parties of the relationship are feeling issues of guilt, loneliness, depression etc etc without sex.. it’s time to talk. And work through the issue. Because it is in issue if the only source of intimacy you have with your partner is sexual, and without it your relationship suffers.
But each to their own, if it works for her way to go.. but I don’t think this is good advice to giving.
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I couldn’t have said it better.
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It took a while for it to be a real issue but we were going bankrupt at the time and I had just had a baby. Just because I don’t understand why he is so badly affected by the times when it doesn’t happen for ages, doesn’t mean I don’t want to fix it. After so long together we do all we can to make each other happy. We do everything with love, respect and a fun spirit. We have a really good foundation and we hope to build from there.
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Ummm… I’m not very sexually experienced so maybe thats why but I’m about 99% positive that if my partner tried to have sex with me while I wasn’t in the mood it would be ridiculously painful, if not impossible?
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Lube
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This post doesnt sit well with me at all. I can’t imagine a worse way to think about being intimate with my partner than fear of him cheating on me with a prostitute if I wasn’t prepared to have sex every day. I’ll take cuddles daily and amazing sex when we are both into it, in a close and secure relationship based on best friendship over mechanical daily release. Good on you if this works for you, but I disagree wholeheartedly with it.
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I doesn’t sit well with me either and you have articulated it perfectly
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Yes, perfectly said. Mechanical release is not the basis for a intimate physical relationship. Ultimately, one persons sole gets destroyed.
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Ok, but can I ask what makes it ok for women (it’s mostly women) to refuse sex to their husbands? And to do this over a long period of time?
We have to realise and accept how crucial sex is in a relationship/marriage. It’s not acceptable to not want to have sex with your husband and to refuse sex. It is a very serious problem and one that can’t be glossed over.
I think we are ignoring this important fact and it has to stop. We have to start accepting the importance of sex and acknowledging it. and acknowledging that refusing sex is a serious problem.
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“Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m half asleep, sometimes I’m reading, but he knows he’s always able to go ahead with it and if I’m in the mood I’ll join in.”
That is awful.
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Why? We do things all the time we would rather not because we love our partner. Would I rather watch the footy or have dinner with inlaws? I would much prefer the former but always end up with the later.
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Because we are not talking about watching the footy. We are talking about a woman giving her husband permission to masturbate in her whenever he feels like it. If that works for them then fine but a lot of other couples are going to find that pretty awful. If I just laid there and did nothing while he banged away my husband would be really offended – sex for us is an activity we do together, not individually.
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I think what the comments above are trying to say is that having sex in a relationship is not just a physical act you have with someone (its not like a one night stand that means nothing). The way i see it is that a sexual relationship is abt intimacy… how much intimacy do you truly get if your doing it while your reading a book or half asleep? I mean no judgment in this comment, as someone has already said- each to their own and A LOT of the time how often couples have sex depends on their sex drive.
The main issue for me when i read this article was that sex is seen as an act because the man in this relationship feels loved when he does get it. I have one question, maybe he needs to have sex consistantly because INTIMACY is lacking from the relationship… not sex but intimacy, where often doesnt need to lead to sex, sex sometimes is the end result and people equate that with intimacy.
While i think its great they can have sex everyday, there is something very creepy abt the reading a book comment. I am trying to understand what Jo meant and perhaps she meant her husband doesnt need to hold back when he feels like attention etc.
While im not married, and dont know what its like to have children and still be able to maintain a sexual relationship w ur partner, I have been in a 5 yr relationship with a man who has the complete opposite sex drive to me. So while i wouldnt mind having sex each night, his sex drive is much lower and often finds there is pressure to meet my needs. Over the years we have worked on a way that we are both happy and feel connected to each other.
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Kim, I agree with you. This type of sex sounds cheap, meaningless and complete devoid of respect.
I mean to say, it reminds me of that old joke about a woman who writes a letter to an agony aunt informing that her husband is sex mad, takes her anywhere and any time that he wants. Asks what should she do about it and then asks her to forgive the shaky handwriting.
Surely the “lie back and think of England” approach to sex died years ago ?
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I think the article is refreshing, especially as someone with a couple of kids. Sometimes you can be completely knackered but should you wait around for a time when you are both in the mood?? With schedules and families to contend with it could be a long time between ‘drinks’. Every relationship is different after all.
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I agree 100%
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“Let it be known that you are open for business and let go of any resentment.”
I love this and need to put it into practice.
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My partner and I are exactly the same!
Great article!
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That may work for the writer, and cheers to that.
But I don’t think it would work for me.
I don’t want that kind of sex. And I’m pretty sure my husband wouldn’t either.
But then what do you mean by ‘bad’ sex anyway? I imagine that term would vary greatly amongst people. Having been raped in the past I think my bad sex concept would differ greatly to those who haven’t perhaps.
For me it’s about us both enjoying it, even if it isn’t ‘great’.
I wouldnt feel good if husband climbed on me and got to it whilst I was reading a book. I would feel pretty disgusting. I’m not there to service him.
And in our home, I’m the one who is left wanting more than he is anyway (just want to dispel that little myth that all women find sex a chore).
Also, in our home, having sex everyday is just impossible.
But we make time, sometimes that is more than other times, depending on many factors in our life. I wish i could have it everyday because I love it. But I think that about chocolate too.
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This post has some valid points, but the thing that put me off was the comment about reading a book while he gets off. That doesn’t seem loving or intimate to me.
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You totally missed the point.
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I think it’s the same for women too, I put it out there more than my partner and if he says no, too tired etc I do feel quite rejected. If I push it he says, well what time did you get up today? or how long were you at work? (I study so nothing I do with my day can ever compare to his long day of physical labour… but I don’t think thats the point!?)
We’ve only been together for a year and I think that we should still be having alot of sex but he seems to be indifferent!
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Now that I’m past children and am only having sex for fun, I take the Nikki Gemmell philosophy. I am not willing to settle for bad sex. Or average sex. Bad sex actually leaves me feeling so bad it puts me off!
However, I also believe the more you do it, the more you want it. It does make your relationship better.
The author seems to have a happy relationship full of laughter. If it works, I say go for it!
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You’re right there is nothing worse than bad sex, it’s depressing.
I don’t think Jo meant “bad” sex, I think she really means “not mind blowing sex”.
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So, correct me if I’m reading this wrong but it seems like the article is saying he basically has a free pass to jump on whether she wants it or not, do his business and that’s it? In my opinion that’s what his hand is for. To me, sex should be at least enjoyable and wanted by both parties, I can’t imagine how my bf would feel if I just laid there with a book til it was over, but I can imagine is be feeling very used, very fast.
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I would much rather have intense, full on sex a couple of times a week then mindless boring sex daily, and i know my husband would too. Interesting that the acticle before this was a rape based one, because to me while you’re reading a book and your husband jumps on???? Yeah sure your not screaming no but still seems a little forceful and intrusive to me.
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Please don’t compare this to rape. The wriet has clearly articulated that her husband has her consent, and she seems perfectly happy with the situation. I find it incredibly offensive that anyone would call that rape.
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As i clearly said “It seems intrusive to ME” key word ME
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Haha, this is so my life. My husband would prefer sex every day, and if he doesn’t have any for two days he gets depressed, withdrawn and downright annoying. His balls also get very, genuinely painful (and if you think that’s just a lie to get you into bed, imagine how you’d feel if he said “no, it’s not period bloating, you’re just fat”).
I don’t enjoy intercourse, never have. But putting out every second day doesn’t offend me that much. He is very considerate and respectful and tries to inconvenience me as little as possible. We have good sex once a week or so.
But the fact is that my husband has needs, as do I. Looking after each other’s needs is what marriage is about. He brings me tea and tim tams while I watch Gossip Girl; I don’t feed him tofu. He deals with anything that needs to be (or has been) killed; I deal with Optus. He puts up with my mood swings and grossly unfair double standards; I put out. Everyone wins
Cause you know what? If I didn’t, he’d jerk off in the shower or toilet. And I personally think that’s a really mean thing to make him do.
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How is it mean for him to masturbate?? Masturbation is completely fine and most people do it, in relationships and out. If you don’t want sex as often and he feels he needs it what is wrong with him taking control of his own needs? If I wanted sex and my partner didn’t I would happily masturbate later instead of pressuring him to do something he’s not in the mood for.
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Once in a while is not a problem (and it happens, don’t worry), but if he had to do it every single day? As I said, to me marriage is about taking care of each other’s needs, as they arise and whatever they are. I don’t pick and choose which of his needs I think are worthy of my attention, I do my best to take care of everything he needs. And vice versa. He gets much more enjoyment from sex with me than masturbating, and I’m all about making him happy because that makes me happy. Same as no matter how tired he is when he gets home, he takes our son “out” to give me a breather. And trust me, give me sex over a grumpy 5pm toddler any day! Plus I LOVE the fact that after 9 years and a baby, he still finds me so hot he can’t keep his hands off me. Happy marriage
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How can it be a happy marriage if you “don’t enjoy intercourse, never have”? I don’t want to be mean, but surely you realise there is something seriously wrong if you don’t and never have enjoyed sex?
And this comment is extremely concerning – “He is very considerate and respectful and tries to inconvenience me as little as possible.”
Nothing up with masturbating every day either whether in a relationship or not.
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Give me quality over quanity any day! But hey if it works for you who am I to judge?
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Oh, couldn’t of said it better myself!
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Yes.. but she still gets the quality. He just also gets the quantity.
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Guys, I think some of you are just focusing on one bit of the article re the reading the book bit. I would imagine the book gets ditched pretty quickly once things heat up.
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How hot can it get in ten minutes?
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Pretty damn hot I have to say. Don’t knock it till you try it.
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There’s usually sexual tension leading up to that though. Not just reading. Although maybe the book the writer is reading is 50 Shades of Grey…
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Lol, some of my steamiest encounter’s have only taken a few minutes.
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I agree wholeheartedly with this post – the most successful times in my marriage have been when we have sex everyday. Or everyday and twice on Sunday’s as we did for over a year, we fought less and both felt there was more love in the marriage. I don’t think she meant the sex was awful but rather it doesn’t always have to be like the movies with earth shattering passion. Sometimes it’s just nice but that’s ok – my theory is I’m up for it anytime – it doesn’t take long to convince me and it’s not like it’s an unpleasant feeling, sometimes a bit of self sacrifice is worth it – a relationship is not always about you
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Im sorry but there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex every day. Every couple has to find their own level of intimacy and what works for them and I don’t think you could say that just because one person is unwilling to have sex when the other person wants it that something is ‘not working’. I would actually say the opposite is true…if a person can handle a ‘knockback’ with empathy and maturity then that is a sign of a loving, mature relationship not that there is something wrong.
Obviously if there was a continuing problem and it wasn’t allowing the relationship to flourish then you would need to address it but to suggest that ‘look out, your other half is going to be unfaithful because you didn’t have sex often enough’ is simplistic and unhelpful.
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You read and he gets on with it? Oh, wow. That isn’t what I want in my relationship.
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Seriously? just jump on even if I dont feel like it? Darling have you heard of feminism…or even the right to own your own body or the fact he has a HAND! I am not there to provide a release valve for my husband when he feels like it regardless of how I feel!
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So true – love this post. I had a real revelation after reading some Bettina Arndt articles on this topic, and the benefit to my marriage has been huge.
Yes, sex is best when both of you are “in the mood” and not tired and full of passion and energy, but if my husband and I waited for that to happen before ever having sex it would be a loooong time between drinks. I’ve realised that even though my libido is much lower than my husband’s, having sex is a way of showing my love for him. And hey, it’s not like it’s a chore – usually once we get into it I have a pretty darn good time too.
But it took me a while to realise that sex didn’t have to be perfect and amazing to still be good and valuable, especially for my husband who, like the author’s, feels most loved and appreciated when we have sex.
While it’s 100%, undoubtedly, absolutely a good thing that women no longer feel obliged to have sex with their partner, I do think perhaps we’ve taken that right and freedom to a selfish level – all about us and not our partners anymore.
Just my two cents anyway – I reckon if all long-term couples had more frequent, average, everyday sex their relationships would be ten times better.
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Fantastic article! I love it.
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I really enjoyed this article. It’s me in our relationship who wants to make love every day – mainly for the intimacy and the closeness. We both work long hours and have 5 kids between us, so it’s this time when we are alone I am wanting him all to myself – as my partner. And it’s not at night when we are exhausted, it’s in the morning (whatever time that might be) before the crazy day begins. It’s not a marathon and sometimes it’s quick and a bit rushed, and other mornings when time isn’t such an issue, it’s spectacular. In the early days of our relationship when I used to “say” that I wanted to have sex – rather than just get him in the mood without all the pressure and the speaking about it, it created so much drama if he wasn’t in the mood. Finally I realised that by shifting to mornings (when he is most in the mood and loves cuddling anyway) and by dropping all the talking about it which he construed as pressure, we now make love pretty much every day and I’m a happy girl and he’s got one big smile on his face when he goes to work every morning!
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I’d be happy to have sex every day. My husband is the one with the “not tonight honey I have a headache” issue.
I’m lucky if he puts out once a week.
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I had this issue, do you think he’s a ‘morning man’? When I finally twigged my guy was much more amorous in the mornings, our sex life improved 100%. Plus, I initiate the sex, I think that is what gets him going. Just some friendly hints from someone who also had a very frustrating time in the bedroom or a while there.
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Nah, it’s just not a top priority for him. I’ve always initiated sex, sigh. Thanks for the suggestions though.
We do discuss it every now and again and the situation improves for a while.
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I think it’s sad that the author says sex with her Husband often isn’t very good. Shouldn’t sex always be fun (and good) almost ALL the time?
Sure, there’s always going to be times where I can’t orgasm (libido drops off right before my period) or an unfortunate SRI (sex-related-injury) stops things in its tracks, or things are just bad – but those are few and far between. They’re things that just happen – like a bad nights sleep or a case of food poisoning.
I also can’t stand the fact that the author tries to read during sex sometimes – I know she says she’s fine with it, but I’d feel very used and Husband would be totally turned off if I wasn’t into it.
Husband and I have sex about 3 times a week. Neither of us have huge sex drives so this suits us. And you know what, we always try to make it good sex, not just adequate (and definitely not bad). And don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying it has to be special or perfect or mind-blowing 5-star performances.
Besides, how can one get warmed up and naturally lubricated in 10 minutes? Unless I’m in the middle of my cycle (where I’m raring to go at the drop of a hat 24 hours a day for about 5 days), I need a bit more time than 10 minutes to get worked up enough for things not to cause painful friction.
Personally, I’d rather keep our sex life than have the authors sex life. Sure, we do it less, but 99% of the time, it’s damn good.
[ http://perthwife.wordpress.com/ ]
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I agree with you 100%
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It’s always fun but not always great. We attempt it every day with fun and love. Nothing is resentful and it’s as intimate as we can manage.
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