.
by NATALIA HAWK
I’m not engaged. Not even close to engaged. But the other weekend, I found myself sitting in a bar on Fitzroy Island (just off the coast of Cairns) planning my future wedding there.
I’ve always been a fan of the destination wedding. The whole tying-the-knot-while-barefoot-on-a-beach vision just appeals to me. And the island was gorgeous. Blue water, coral beaches, a stunning marble-decor resort, a cool bar with a rainforest at the back door… what’s not to like?
At one point I actually started calculating how much it would cost to accommodate everyone on my imaginary guest list. Sadly, it was too expensive even for future me. So could I expect my nearest and dearest to pay their own way?
Fact: weddings cost a bomb even when they’re located in your home town. Gifts, parking, childcare, new shoes, maybe you’re a bridesmaid – it all adds up. But destination weddings add a whole new layer of expensive hell, as columnist and author Sam de Brito wrote this weekend:
‘You are invited to the wedding of Jack and Diane,” says the embossed, heavy-gauge flap of tasteful, cream cardboard. You think, ”Sweet, this will be fun”, and then you see the suggestions for accommodation in Byron Bay, Bali or friggin’ Bangladesh.
Yes, you are invited … to spend a shitload of money.
Flights. Car hire. Accommodation. And if you have children, you have to farm them out or bring them with you. Then it’s more clams for babysitters or bribes to relatives to look after your little darlings.
And that’s if it’s domestic. Overseas weddings? Add in the cost of visas, travel insurance, rabies shots and, maybe, a discreet firearm once you’ve landed – if the groom’s from the former Soviet Union.
But hold on, you also want me to buy you a friggin’ wedding present? I’d have thought my ”presence” in Zagreb proved my affection.
After all that – why would anyone ever consider a destination wedding? Well, on the flip side, Sam points out that they might actually help to filter out some of those “just-because” invites which can only be a good thing when you’re talking about your partner’s distant cousins. And their kids.
What do you think of destination weddings? Would you have one? Have you had one? Have you ever been to one? Do you think it’s ridiculous to ask guests to travel too far?
Comments
213 Comments so far
We were living in Sydney when we got engaged but had the wedding in Brisbane. Not because of the inherent glamour, but because it’s our hometown and it would make life easy for most of our guests. I get the ‘destination wedding’ but reckon if you can’t afford to shout your guests the trip, you should elope and have a big ol’ party when you get home.
loading...
My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have three children. We eloped, mainly because I was doing a lot of writing for bridally things for some newspapers I worked for and the idea of wasting so much time on what colour serviettes/flowers I wanted etc left me cold. I have never regretted it and am probably the one of the most happily married people I know. I work with lots of young people and the amount of money it costs them when one of their friends gets married is terrifying and ridiculous. Even as I’m writing this I realise it’s making me sound old – I’m not really! – but weddings just seem to consume hours of time and bucketloads of money, let alone one that you have to travel to another country for! Having a destination wedding is lovely if you are going to pay for everyone else, but I really think if people want to get married away they could elope and have a party when they get home. It’s one day, one tiny moment in time that will hopefully be eclipsed by a million other joyful things that happen to you and your family in the years to come.
loading...
I see nothing wrong with destination weddings, as long as you’re o.k. with the fact that some people will be unable to come for financial reasons, and not make them feel guilty for being unable to come. I have been to 2 destination weddings, and I enjoyed them both. 1 more than the other because it was pre-children, and the 2nd was nice but because it was a destination wedding I was forced to take my baby when I would have preferred not to. Haha the children at weddings is an article for a different day though lol. I am currently planning my wedding, and am horrified by the prices! I would love a destination wedding but my sister’s disabled and wouldn’t be able to attend, so I’ll have one close to home. I love love love weddings! I love reading everyone’s opinions … we’re all so different.
loading...
I forked out $3000 to attend my brothers Las Vegas wedding. It was so hard to save for because I was a waitress when invited. Luckily I got full time work and a good wage and could save properly.
Now I am invited to my eldest brothers Thailand wedding. God help me. I have a new car to pay off, a credit card, car rego and I just can’t afford to pay for it even though it will be lovely and a holiday.
I am glad I only have 2 brothers and this is the end to destination weddings! I’ll get married right here in Australia, thank you!
loading...
Every wedding is a Destination Wedding for a lot of guests.
It’s likely that quite a number of the people you invite to your wedding will be family and friends who don’t live down the road. Many will live out of town, interstate or overseas.
Yes, I would definitely exchange presents for their presence.
Like you, Nat, I am far from being engaged. But I certainly hope to get married one day. And I’m going to do everything within my power to get as many of my loved ones there as possible. Heck, I will pay some of the costs if I have to. I’d rather spend money on having my nearest and dearest there than many of the other trappings of a traditional wedding.
loading...
I totally agree. Would happily pay for my loved ones to get there, even if it meant they all had to eat toast and drink water at the reception.
loading...
Heh heh. I would spring for some good cheddar cheese on that toast.
loading...
So true! We, and most of our friends, live in Canberra, and we are getting married here in September. But neither of our families are Canberra-based, so it will be a destination wedding for them.
Every wedding is a destination event for someone; if you’re determined to go you’ll usually work out a way. If not, it shouldn’t be any skin off the couple’s nose – these things happen and you can’t get to everything. And of course a destination wedding is an excellent way of keeping things small if you’re leaning towards eloping.
loading...
I think you can do what you like but if you’re going to have a destination wedding, you need to be prepared that some people will not be able or want to go and you need to accept that. I’m not dropping over several hundreds (or thousands) of dollars to merely attend someone’s wedding. The only person I think I’d do that for is my sister.
I can’t see myself getting married but if I did, I would not have a destination wedding. Absolutely nothing about it appeals.
loading...
I think it’s extremely presumptuous to expect people to shell out for a destination wedding/birthday/whatever. I know a few people who’ve done it, I’d never expect anyone to be willing and able to spend so much for something like a birthday or wedding!
loading...
I am about to spend 9k on flights and accommodation to attend my best friend’s wedding in Thailand. The thought of spending all that money makes me feel sick, but not attending her wedding (I am the maid of honor) was making me feel worse.
Aside from the cost, we are really looking forward to taking our kids over there, as we actually eloped to Thailand ourselves a few years ago and sent everyone a text message to let them know!!
loading...
In April, I was the lucky photographer at a destination wedding. The destination was Thailand. The couple are Australian but live in Hong Kong. They have family and friends from all over the world. It was a fabulous solution for them. They invited in excess of 100 guests but expected maybe about half would attend. They got to 100!
Think of it this way….if you are invited as a guest and can’t afford it – don’t go. If you can afford it – treat it like a holiday (I ended up staying in Thailand for 3 weeks). The Bride and Groom do NOT expect gifts if you go to their destination wedding. (If they do then that is plain wrong).
Yes, it’s more expensive for the guest but I can tell you, an amazing time was had by all. The celebrations started a week before the nuptials and ended a week after. Lots of functions were hosted by the bride and groom throughout the 2 week celebrations.
It was the most divine wedding to photograph and an amazing opportunity. The guests were actually thrilled to be there and got to know one another as well. Bought together by the gorgeous couple – people that everyone had in common.
I have been married 22years and hell, yes – I would do a destination wedding if we had our time over again!
loading...
After my husband went to a friend’s destination wedding (as a uni student I couldn’t afford to go), he really wanted one because he liked the idea of going on a holiday with heaps of friends. I couldn’t justify the money my immediate family would have to spend in order to go and plus, isn’t the honeymoon the destination part??? I can understand if someone is from the destination but otherwise I think it’s rude to expect people to fork out so much money. I’ve been invited to a few since then and haven’t gone to any of them. One couple knew most friends wouldn’t go so they had a huge engagement party and a gift registry where the cheapest item on it was a $70 tea cup ahem.
Another thing I don’t like is when people have weddings on a weekday.
loading...
I have been to two, and have one more to go.
One bride told us not to get a present (lovely), one told us to give her cash (!!!! how about the $1500 we spent on flights?) and one gave us the link to their registry….
I would have loved to do it, but not all of the people who I really wanted there could afford it, so I didn’t… I kind of wish I had eloped, but that’s a whole other story.
On the one hand, I think it is a bit selfish…I mean, I know people don’t HAVE to go, but when it is a very close friend or family member, the wedding guilt is immense, and it is almost forcing you to go.
On the other hand – they can be very, very fun.
It is EXPENSIVE
loading...
to be honest I would say most people have destination weddings because they dont want everyone who they invite to come.. well at least that would be why I would have one..
loading...
Amen to that! We were planning one (we’re now getting married down the road from our house) for the simple fact that most of my fiance’s family wouldn’t be able to make it!
loading...
We got married in Vegas this year. At our engagement party my husband and I already knew we’d be getting married overseas, so our invitation stated that this may be the only chance to celebrate with us. The destination was left unsaid, but it was no secret we had planned Vegas. At that party there was awesome catering and a bar, but it was held at my folks’ place – so it was not over the top expensive, but it was ‘nice’. In hindsight I see it was just a party for created by and for my mother. Another reason Vegas sounded great.
Then people began asking if they could come to Vegas. My mother said yes to a few people, some family booked tickets, and one of my best friends said “I wouldn’t miss you getting married if it was in a potato sack in a feild!” and despite just returning from many months travelling through Europe, she pulled out her credit card and bought her ticket.
Our little party was growing. Overall 20 people came. We didn’t insist on anyone coming, and the only person who we offered to pay for ended up turning us down (a friend who said “my bf won’t let me go” which of course she later regreted).
Once realised it was all about my family (persuasive mother who invited her own guests), we changed our travel plans so we caught up with everyone on the day of the wedding only. We met up with a few friends who lived in the states and of course saw my close gf who flew all the way – but other than that- the trip wasn’t about everyone ‘seeing Vegas with us’. We didn’t care about what people’s plans were. If they wanted to be there – great- but those who tried to change our plans to fit in with the holiday they wanted were just ignored!
loading...
A friend of mine missed her sisters wedding because she simply could not afford it. The wedding was in Thailand, and her sister got engaged a few weeks before my friend got married herself and moved into their newly built home. My friend was devastated, but having just spent her savings on a mortgage deposit and (small) wedding there was nothing that she could do.
loading...
I have already had one destination wedding this year which was last month and have another one in November in Boracay. I struggled to afford the first one and will probably not make the 2nd one. they are the same grop of friends.
Problem is I am IN the 2nd one. I got told by couple #2 to go to wedding #1 so I did, I told them I might not be able to afford theirs but they, at the time, we’re fine with it. Now they’re less fine with it and I keep getting helpful “tips” on saving money. They’re in a completely different life/financial situation than me and can’t see my side of things.
It was suggested I extend my c/card or get a loan. Why should I go into debt for their dream? Yes I would love to be there for them.
But I would also love some new furniture for my apartment and to pay off some debts.
What would you do?
loading...
I think it’s very rude that they suggested that you extend your credit card and take out a loan so that you can attend their wedding in Boracay (!!!). How much time are you going to spend together during the wedding anyway, at most half an hour, surely.
I would not go – I probably wouldn’t have gone to it anyway, but I definitely wouldn’t if my friends suggested that I go into debt to finance the trip. To me, that is totally out of line.
loading...
I can’t believe your friends expect this of you!!
I don’t think you are wrong to think this is unreasonable.
I would not go into debt over someone else’s wedding – I think I would just have to tell them the truth and if it ended our friendship think they were probably not the friends I thought they were.
Best of luck to you – what a horrible situation to be in.
loading...
If they are in a much higher income bracket than you, and you have made them aware that you would be going into debt to attend their ‘dream wedding’, then if if they are real friends they would offer to pay your fares and accommodation, wouldn’t you think?
loading...
I’ve been to 3 destination weddings and turned down a few. Selfish as it sounds, I didn’t decide whether or not to go based on how close I was to the couple. It was whether I could afford it, could get the time off work and whether the destination was one I was genuinely interested in and could have time after the wedding to go off and do my own thing, see more of the country, etc.
That way, when the bills piled up, I viewed it as my own holiday budget, with the bonus of a great party while I was away. It helped me not to feel resentful of the couple and I had the BEST time at all of them.
I think if I was hosting a destination wedding, I’d feel much more obligated to do something really lavish to make it worth peoples’ while, so the idea didn’t appeal to me. We ended up getting married in my hometown of Perth, which meant our simple wedding probably cost us more than a lavish Bali wedding, but at least the costs weren’t passed onto our guests and it meant my whole family could be there.
Ultimately, they can be great fun, but any couple planning one should know that even people who dearly love them won’t be there and they can’t pressure or expect anyone to make it there just because it’s what they want.
loading...
You don’t sound selfish at all – especially not after your description of your own wedding.
loading...
I thin you need to (in a nice way) put your foot down and tell them you simply can’t afford it. If they know you and love you as a friend, they should understand (especially given you gave them a heads up), or even figure out a way to get you there.
I’ve got one in Noosa next month, I had to make the call to say I couldn’t go due to lack of funds. Within the hour, bride had booked me flights to and from Brisbane with her frequent flyer points, got me transfers from the airport to brissie to noosa and back, and had two options of people to bunk in with so accommodation was covered. Champion!
loading...
I actually think that’s the right way to go about it. If you have chosen an overseas wedding and someone you really want there can’t go, then offer to pay for them! Otherwise, accept that they can’t go and don’t be offended.
loading...
No that is what you call a real friend
loading...
I wouldn’t go into debt to attend a wedding, no matter how good a friend they were. My best friend was married in Vegas just after I graduated uni as a mature age student. I simply couldn’t afford to go. She was very understanding and our friendship is as strong as ever.
I think it’s rude of them to expect you to go into debt to attend their wedding.
loading...
Thanks for all the comments. Gonna be a tough one, but I told them I’d be telling them for sure after I’ve done my tax return.
Gonna be a hard conversation as they are two of my closest friends.
But I also want to be selfish, it’s not somewhere I’ve dreamed of going really so why should I go into debt.
Guess we’ll wait and see what tax time (or the tattslotto draw this weekend) brings.
Im also struggling to see the real point of the overseas wedding part as they’ve just said they want to holiday & honeymoon on the beach, so can’t they just get married here and then go over there? They say it’s cheaper to get married there, but it’s not cheaper for me!!
loading...
Oh that is awful. It really makes you re assess your relationship with people doesn’t it? Good luck with it all:)
loading...
We had a destination wedding- albeit in Australia. With both of us brought up in different states, having spent a decent amount of time living in two other states, our friends and family were equally spread across the continent. No matter where we got married, a decent amount of people would have had to travel, so we chose somewhere that we liked- and where none of our guests were from. We didnt choose it because of this reason, but because we couldnt decide on any other location. We still ended up with a guest list of over 100 people, and we are so grateful to every one of those people who made the trip to celebrate our wedding day with us- we had a ball!
Sometimes
loading...
I had a destination wedding, we paid for everyone we wanted to attend. There were a couple of ‘ring ins’ we didn’t pay for, but everyone else we covered flights and hotels for a week in the city we chose. We did expect people to come up with their own spending money, and ‘side -trips’ they took after the event though.
We had 13 people all up (including ourselves) and it was perfect. But I didn’t expect our friends and family to get into debt or extend themselves for our dream, I think that’s beyond rude.
loading...