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According to my Greek grandmother there are two types of people in this world: Those who are in relationships and those who wish they were.
(Actually, there are lots of ‘two types’ of people in her world: Greeks and non-Greeks, people with and without Foxtel, people she sends Christmas cards to and people she does not…)
And, according to her, those women not in a relationship can be divided into either women who wish they had a boyfriend and women who wish they had a girlfriend. The end.
(This argument is only ever offered about the ladies because men do not end up barren, haunted old spinsters who collect cans of beans and other people’s cats. Apparently.)
According to this logic there does not exist anywhere in the world people who are single and happy. Like properly happy. You can’t find them. They’re a myth. A lie told around the world. Like ‘leggings are a substitute for pants’ or ‘I had a good day jeans shopping.’
According to my grandmother, everyone, no matter who you are, needs amorous companionship. There are some 2 million homes in Australia that contain only single people. Are they happy? Discuss.
Apparently coupledom is ‘natural.’ It’s like the hot bread section of the buffet – the place where everyone wants to be. It’s our default mode and no matter what people say deep down we are social creatures who yearn to be paired off/married off/pissed off with another soul forever and ever amen.
Discuss.
Now I’m a bit of a feminist. I’m all about life choices and alternate pathways and rainbows and moonbeams and having whatever kind of relationship floats your boat. I know lots of happy single people who don’t want or need relationships and live utterly fulfilling exceptional lives solo. I know that you don’t need a partner or kids to live a life surrounded by love and contentment. I’m not single at the moment – I’m in a long distance relationship because I’m a moron who likes to feel sad at unexpected moments and cry at toilet paper commercials. But if something happened and I was single again I’d have no qualms about taking the unescorted path through life. (I was going to write ‘solo’ again but thesaurus suggested I use ‘unescorted’. I think it sounds like a fancier voyage through life draped in fine jewels, feather boas and clutching martini glasses…)
Ultimately I am an advocate for happiness, single, coupled or swingers. Whatever state people need to be content, as the french say le go for it. When my grandmother makes these kind of comments I get on my high horse/soapbox (whatever is closest) and quote the poetry of Destiny’s Child Independent Woman to her (ssh, she doesn’t know.)
But sometimes I wonder: could she be right? I know that people can be happy and single, but then again do I really know this? Or is this something people say to hide the truth that ultimately, deep down, everybody wants to be wanted? That sure, you can be single and moderately happy but that really coupledom is the winning goal. Paper beats rock.
Now I could razzle dazzle you with the pro-couple ‘science’ (or ‘things I have learnt from TV’) and says things like: Couples live longer. And Penguins mate for life. And single people end up dying alone and they’re not discovered until the postman smells something funky and decides to investigate.
But the sentiment is more succinctly expressed by my grandmother: ‘I worry for single people. They’re all alone. Who will help them if they have a fall?’
My grandma’s underlying feeling is this: Sure you can be happy single but you’re not really happy. Like shopping in Ikea for his and hers shower rails happy. Like escaping someone’s undercover fart happy. Like having someone to call the ambulance if you trip on a wet towel happy. That kind of happy.
I don’t know if I necessarily agree.
Is there such thing as single and happy? Or is single happiness the second place ribbon to coupledom?
Claire Varley is a writer and community development worker. She works with women, youth and communication for social change, and has worked in China, Nepal and the Solomon Islands. Check out her blog here.
Comments
167 Comments so far
I have been single for the past 2 years after seperating with my baby daddy. I would say it took me at least a year to ‘get happy’. It was a long journey of self discovery and letting go of hurt and anger, but I feel I accomplished it.
I have now reunited with said partner, and am extremely happy as well.
I honestly believe the key is being happy in yourself, and letting that person ‘benefit’ you, as opposed to ‘complete’.
For me it’s about self preservation and maintaining my identity, be it single or coupled.
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Lets face it, most of us would like to have companionship on our own terms. Having a warm body to cuddle up to, bounce ideas off, and share with when we’re in the mood.
And peace and quiet and our own space when we don’t.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: It’s better to be alone than wish you were.
Like most single women, finding the right man with whom to share my life would be ideal. But I’d rather be single than be stuck in a so-so relationship where, after a while, even Houdini wouldn’t be able to escape that nagging feeling that something’s missing.
I only know one woman – she’s in her 60s – who has never been married, never had kids and is perfectly content. (She’s a legend.) So, I believe that these women do, genuinely, exist. But I think they’re quite rare.
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I have friends who are newlyweds and are enjoying all that goes with the honeymoon period, this I would love to experience. I have friends and family who have been happily married for years, in fact my Aunty and Uncle celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary this weekend, and I would love to be able to accomplish that. However, I also have friends who are in relationships / marriages that I equate to the relationship equivalent of the plague, and I do not want to emulate that. Then there are those that have separated; many for completely understandable reasons and then those that viewed marriage as an “until such time as I get bored…” alternative.
In today’s ‘disposable’ society I think too much focus is put on what it represents to be in a relationship or to be married, that somehow you are not complete / happy if you are not partnered off. To me, who believes that marriage or the relationship equivalent is “until death do us part” not “for the foreseeable future”, it is far more important to make sure your choosing to enter into said relationship because you want to spend the rest of your life together, not because you think it is what society wants you to do so.
Just because someone is single, by choice, because they haven’t yet found the right person does not mean that they are unhappy. Choosy, yes. Unhappy, no.
To quote the quintessential deliberator of all things ‘single’ and ‘relationship’…
“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” (Carrie Bradshaw for those that don’t know)
Ps. Loved the post! Great conversation starter…and funny!
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I also think that there are generally two kinds of people – those that can take or leave a relationship and those that really NEED to be in one otherwise they will always be unhappy. I don’t believe that everyone deep in the crevices of their soul is miserable being single and I think ultimately we need to be happy within ourselves and be whole alone – because ultimately who we really are deep inside is perfect and doesn’t need anything from outside of ourselves to complete us. Also some people are simply happy single. In fact some spiritually minded people don’t want a relationship because it can distract too much from their path in life. Yes the grass can appear greener on the other side for a lot of people but not everyone even notices the grass or that there is another side. On a slight side note: look at Mirabai – the 16th Century Rajput Indian princess that was so absorbed in her deep love for Krishna that she danced in the streets and sang devotional songs about her deep abiding love for Him. She was married off to a prince – but had already ‘married’ Krishna who she considered her husband – she didn’t appear to be lonely for a man before marriage and when he died – she turned more towards Krishna. Cool huh?
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Love the article!
I’ve been in a relationship for a little over 5 years, and often still feel like a single person. Not because I don’t love my boyfriend to bits, but because I’ve never been one of these ‘he completes me’ people. I have an awesome life, and it would be nearly just as awesome if he wasn’t in it. But it sure is nice to have someone along for the ride!
I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was almost 23, and I was beginning to feel like a bit of a weirdo. Not because I wanted a boyfriend, I was super happy single, but because society expects people to be coupled up, even at that age.
I do believe that people can be happy single, even for their whole lives. Why do you have to have a partner to make your life complete? Yes, they’re nice but not essential for happiness. But I also think there’s two kinds of people, those who want babies and kids and husbands and won’t feel complete until they have them, and those that aren’t fussed either way. I think the second group can be happy without a partner, but I don’t think the first group can. Just depends what kind of person you are.
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Singles, couples whatever – Everyone can be happy. It’s just all different kind of happy.
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I’m single at the moment and I am happy. Myth busted!
I have never been as lonely as I was in my last relationship. We were engaged and incompatible and it was torture. Marriage is no longer my holy grail.
However … I would love to meet someone and live my life “escorted” (Note: “unescorted” sounds much more elegant; “escorted” makes me sound like I’m after a gigolo!). I believe it will happen whenever it does. I can’t control it and I don’t intend passing up on the possibilities of life in the meantime. If I did that a lovely guy might pass me by because I’m miserable or boring or needy and who’s looking for that! I relish the freedom I have to do what I want to do while I’m single.
I don’t know anyone (which is not to say they don’t exist – I’m sure they do) who would choose to be alone over being in a happy, fulfilling relationship with someone fantastic. But I don’t think that means that everyone’s actively looking for that person. Some of just have faith that they will show up in their own time!
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I think you (you being everyone plural!) should be happy as yourself. That self-happiness should be the base we all aim for.
Your partner should be able to complement that happiness, but it shouldn’t be diminished if you are single.
PS You’ll notice I said “should”. I recognise this is a perfect world scenario and not always a possibility!
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Dear Claire
Please write more posts for Mamamia.You are HILARIOUS.
Sincerely
Bec
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Dear Bec
(blushes and giggles like a moron, unable to say anything)
Sincerely
Claire
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I don’t think it needs to be a romantic partner or spouse, but I do think everyone needs strong healthy and positive relationships in order to be happy.
Some married people don’t have this and may be more lonely than a single with many close bonds.
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I completely agree that healthy and supportive surrounding relationships are an important part of being relatively happy. When I became single again at 30 after ending a relationship I thought would take me to the alter, the most saddening factor was having to rebuild my life again. THis did not involve finding another soul mate at that point, but having a good group of friends to cry, laugh and chat with. The hard part of that is, the older you get the more people tend to be paired off and have less time for you. If you manage to keep rebuilding and finding satisfying friendships, then single aint so bad
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Ha ha. Bedizz, that reminds me of a quote from the Australian play, Cosi.
“My dad always said ‘You can find loneliness in a marriage, but never solitude.”
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I’m married and absolutely adore my husband, I adore coming home to him and when we’re apart I feel like part of me is missing.
But that’s my husband. When I was with my ex I desperately wanted to be single. Every moment with him I just wanted to be out, free, living and loving life, able to do what I want when I wanted (I finally got the balls to break up with him).
I believe that everyone who wants someone (and I don’t believe everyone does) has someone out there who really gets them.
I would far rather be single than with the wrong person. People can be happy single and they can also still want a partner, that doesn’t mean they’re not happy now. Way better than being with the wrong person and unhappy!
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Miss T, you are so wise. You need your own column. xx
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Thank you!! MM, did you catch that?
Actually I do write on two websites, but I can’t promise it’s all wise
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MissT, I agree with you completely. I think you can be happy and still want to share you life with someone. and so true, I was in a relationship where i was constantly thinking of being free and living life. After i broke up with my ex and met my new bf I feel happiness even in my saddest moment. After 5 years together; i can honestly say there hasnt been a day when I wanted to be away from him to be happy…
ps. I agree, i always love your comments – they are so wise and open minded!
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Yes but do you think you will feel the same way about him in 30 years. I dont know anyone who has been married for 30-40 years who describes their husband in that way.
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Are you always this upbeat?
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Actually, I have been married for 32 years and do feel the same way
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Well thank goodness I do, I know a few actually.
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Don’t worry, 20 years here and still love him.
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My parents have been married 45 years and still giggle and hold hands and miss the hell out of each other on the odd occasions they’re apart. So yes, it does happen.
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Married, fifteen year, still learning and loving more about my husband all the time. Guess I’m lucky?
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Miss T, I feel the same way about my husband. Funny enough I also felt the same loneliness with my ex. You
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yes yes yes! that is the beauty of ex husbands they teach us what we don’t want and teach us what real unhappiness is so, when we do find happiness, we know striahgt away what it is and jump in with both feet totally naked!!!
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None of my friends are in relationships that I would wish to emulate – I am single not because of a lack of offers but because I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.
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Whenever I hear “refuse to settle” I think… Are you narrowing your options a bit too much? It’s fine when you’re 22 but if you’re 32 and still single (and wanting children possibly) you might find yourself adjusting your standards a little.
The men who make the best husbands may not be the ones who “give you butterflies.” I found the right relationship felt more like friendship than giddy romance. Sure you can aspire to both, but butterflies are fleeting creatures.
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I think you need to be a ‘happy single’ if you want to ever be in a ‘happy couple’. No one is attracted to a grumpy single and then turn magically into a happy couple
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You are spot on there.
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Perfectly said.
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I know people who are very happy being single but then go through times when they wish they had a partner. On the other hand, I know people who are happily married/in long term relationships who have moments when they feel they would be happier single. I’ve been in both situations and neither is better or worse than the other.
My point is that I don’t think these states of being (happy/unhappy and single/partnered) are mutually exclusive. I think it boils down to accepting yourself THEN sharing that with the world, regardless of your relationship status.
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I think if a person enters a relationship with the belief that they need someone to “complete them” or “make them happy” they are in for a hard time.
It took 8 years of a medicocre marriage then a year of separation for my husband and I to both realise that we are responsible for our own happiness. Since getting back together our marriage has been infinitely improved by knowing deep down this one core truth.
Of course you can be single and happy, in fact, you MUST or you will never have truly healthy relationships.
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I’m happy being single, but I hope it doesn’t always remain that way.
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Yes, I think so too. Everyone wants companionship, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be happy before you get into a relationship or find that special someone. For me I want to “find myself” first before I can be trusted with a relationship. Not everyone can find their someone early on, it may take a while, maybe even later on in life, but being happy while single is possible.
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i have been single for almost 22 years and everyone seems to think i am happy. i am independent, like to do things for myself and stand up for what i believe in. i have never had a relationship but really want one. i always told myself that i like being alone (which i do to an extent) but there are some nights when i just want to cry myself to sleep because i am so lonely.
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That doesn’t make you desperate. Everyone feels that way sometimes. And being independent doesn’t mean you don’t want and/or can’t find a fulfilling relationship! I really hope you find one.
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totally agree with your yiayia
if she was anything like my yiayia – her wisdom was endless…
you can’t be alone and happy forever – maybe for a moment or two – but not forever – its not in our nature
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You do not speak for me, so don’t do it please. It may be impossible for you to be happy and single, but that’s you. Your inability to be happy and single does not automatically transfer to every human being on the planet.
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I don’t think being in a couple is any kind of indicator of actual happiness, but aside from happiness I’m sure it’s true that most people would like to have a partner to share life with. But, not just any partner. It has to be someone that gets you in the right ways, or whatever makes you feel good about a partner. Otherwise, single is happier. So, I’m single, and pretty happy at the moment (like, can’t think of a worst to make a contribution to the bests and worsts lists – life is just chugging along), and there’s no-one I wish was my partner, and I don’t sit and pine for a partner. But if someone was to come along who I wanted to be with, I’m sure I would jump at it, whether it actually made me happier or not.
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My happiness does not depend on someone else.
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Human nature is to belong, when you hit your 30s, most of your friends are coupled up, married and prob on their way to having kids. So it’s hard to separate genuine ‘unhappiness’ from the anxiety that comes from being different, which can bring about a sense of isolation. Not sure if this makes sense, but I think women aren’t given a chance to really embrace singledom as they are more often than not the odd one out in their worlds- it takes a woman with a strong sense of self to say ‘I’m different and I’m ok with that’.
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Very good points.
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I agree with others. I am single and happy. But while I’m not actively pursuing a relationship, I would be devastated if somebody looked into a crystal ball & told me I’ll be single forever. I don’t want that.
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You know I don’t think it’s so much about being in a conventional relationship per se, as it having soul mates (YES – plural) as part of your life. That person may be your partner, it may be a sibling, a friend or a parent – having that acceptance, reliability, that connection – it allows you to fully understand and appreciate yourself, life and other people. And a soul mate isn’t necessarily for life – they are just what the words mean – someone who sees you as you really are and accepts and understands you. There’s a reason and a season for everything
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Totally agree! It’s easy to get that sort of companionship from a partner – but it just doesn’t always have to be that way.
I’m hitched now, but one of the happiest times of my life was sharing a house with my older brother. We get along so well! We had our own stuff going on, but it was nice to come home to someone who you could have a decent chat with, go grab a DVD and have someone you could rely on for housey stuff, and share that responsibility. If he didn’t have that crazy ex-wife, that time of my life would have been completely awesome.
C’est la vie!
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Hey Nellie, me too! I loved sharing a house with my older brother, one of the best times in my life.
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Yia Yias rock!
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Why is it that coupledom is the ‘norm’ and singleness is an abberation that needs to be ‘fixed’? No one is born married/partnered – it’s something we CHOOSE, not a natural state of being. Society tells us that partnering is normal and singleness is abnormal… how many times do single people hear the question, “So, are you married YET?”… as though marriage is a given.
For the record, I’m in my 40s, unmarried and very happy. And if I were married, I’m sure I could be happy with that too. They’re just different states of being, and pining for what you don’t have (regardless of where you’re at now) is a waste of emotional energy. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and realise I wasted years wishing for a different life.
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I know that for me, I can be very happy and fulfilled as a single person, but I am happier and more fulfilled as part of a couple.
That said, I’m sure there are people out there who prefer to be single. And being single doesn’t mean being alone, you can have close friendships.
The brilliance of my situation is that I know if something happened to my relationship (crosses self, throws salt etc) I would be just fine as a single person. I had a good friend say to me once that she had never been single long enough as an adult to have any idea who she is when she isn’t in a relationship. That to me is more worrying.
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Well, I don’t know how you win this argument or convince anyone that you’re happy and single, because the rebuttal “but deep down you feel X” can’t be refuted. You try, and get “but really, DEEP DEEP deep down…” whatevs!
I’m single, have been for years. Yes I’m happy. I could tell you that every relationship I’ve had I’ve ended at 3 months or less. Every one. Let me reiterate this… I ended the relationships. Every one. I would get the telltale itch of discomfort and unease, that would grow into unhappiness and frustration that would not go away until I was single again.
You could say I just haven’t met the right one, and having heard and tried to refute that statement for years, I now nod and say “sure”. Because maybe that’s true, but I won’t know until/if it happens so why waste time trying to convince anyone otherwise.
Married people can feel (and be) very alone. Equally, single people, if they’re fortunate, have family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and kids who worry about them or are there when they fall. Partnering up simply does not guarantee eternal happiness and frankly I thought that was understood years ago. To bring this up again is akin to questioning women’s right to vote… I mean really, duh???
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I suppose if I hadnt had my children I might secretly be yearning for a partner, but I’ve done my breeding and am now quite content. Between being a mum, work and Uni I dont have time or inclination to even date let alone settle down with! Maybe when my girls have grown up I might find someone lovely to retire with…but if I dont, meh!!
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Claire Varley, I love reading your writing!
That is all.
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Aw! And I love reading you comments! Thanks, Liv.
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Likewise! Love the humour.
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When my last serious relationship ended in December 2010, I hot footed it out of the country and was living abroad within 2 months…
I have been so happy being single the past year and a half.. it has been so fun. I’ve traveled, met new friends, dated amazing guys and had extraordinary adventures… but I was really happy on my own.
I’m now getting to the stage where I think… it’d be great to fall in love again, and I’m really excited for it to happen – but I’m not actively searching for it… it will happen when it happens
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I am very happy with the freedom of singledom. I like my own company and simply am not interested in having a partner. It suits me but I am aware that it may not suit others. Whatever makes you happy is my philosophy, there is no right way to live your life just your way.
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Honestly? I’m very happy single but I pray it’s not forever – it works for me perfectly now but eventually I want a partner.
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I agree, that is what most people eventually want. Enjoy your single years but at the end of the day we all hope to have someone to love and love us back. Quite a sad existence for those that never have this.
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Single women of a certain age, catch up with their friends and their discussions revolve around men. Single women who claim they are happy being single are fooling only themselves. What an existence to pretend to be happy when inside they are crumbling….
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seriously??? How can you speak for all the single ladies?
Human beings are complex.
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Yes but at the end of the day no one wants be be like Marge Simpsons spinster sisters Patty and Selma from the Simpsons.
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Oh please. No, we don’t. And that is why we live, and enjoy life, not sit around all day wishing for what we don’t have. I am 41, single, and loving life. There’s a difference between ‘single’ and ‘lonely’.
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One of the worst words in the English language is spinster simply because of the connotations. I am single but hate being referred to as a spinster. A bachelor is made to sound free and easy going and fun, a spinster is bitter and twisted. It certainly does not reflect most single women’s lives.
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Women over 35 still single have issues which councillors are constantly having to deal with. Feeling of rejection, isolation and anxiety. These feelings get worse as her child bearing years decline. Unfortunately its a fact of life, women do not want to alone for the rest of their life. Childless and single tends to decrease their feelings of depression and anxiety.
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I think society’s expectations and judgements might have something to do with that
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What are you basing your assumptions?
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WOW I think your comment is a little bit too intense and a gross generalization. I’m 25 and single, while I don’t intend to be single forever I don’t see the reason to be a major joy kill and wait around for Mr Right to fall magically into my lap. I plan to go on living my life and being AWESOME – I’m not going to settle (like so many of my friends have). So, I’m quite happy doing my own thing until I find a guy that ‘really gets me’.
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Maybe we want to be like Bridget Jones – she got Colin Firth *and* Hugh Grant. What’s not to love?
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And how much happier was Bridget when she secured Colin Firth…… I rest my case
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I would rather be single than married to Homer!
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Patty Bouvier is a lesbian.
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Only because nlshe couldn’t get a bloke
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“Single women of a certain age, catch up with their friends and their discussions revolve around men.”
Yeah, and everyone knows married ladies NEVER do this. *snort*
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That was a troll comment. Nothing more.
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obviouly single Shan…….
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Sure am
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I was wondering what that was.. it’s my insides crumbling because I haven’t bagged me a man yet.
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Hey, way to inspire debate!
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