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According to my Greek grandmother there are two types of people in this world: Those who are in relationships and those who wish they were.
(Actually, there are lots of ‘two types’ of people in her world: Greeks and non-Greeks, people with and without Foxtel, people she sends Christmas cards to and people she does not…)
And, according to her, those women not in a relationship can be divided into either women who wish they had a boyfriend and women who wish they had a girlfriend. The end.
(This argument is only ever offered about the ladies because men do not end up barren, haunted old spinsters who collect cans of beans and other people’s cats. Apparently.)
According to this logic there does not exist anywhere in the world people who are single and happy. Like properly happy. You can’t find them. They’re a myth. A lie told around the world. Like ‘leggings are a substitute for pants’ or ‘I had a good day jeans shopping.’
According to my grandmother, everyone, no matter who you are, needs amorous companionship. There are some 2 million homes in Australia that contain only single people. Are they happy? Discuss.
Apparently coupledom is ‘natural.’ It’s like the hot bread section of the buffet – the place where everyone wants to be. It’s our default mode and no matter what people say deep down we are social creatures who yearn to be paired off/married off/pissed off with another soul forever and ever amen.
Discuss.
Now I’m a bit of a feminist. I’m all about life choices and alternate pathways and rainbows and moonbeams and having whatever kind of relationship floats your boat. I know lots of happy single people who don’t want or need relationships and live utterly fulfilling exceptional lives solo. I know that you don’t need a partner or kids to live a life surrounded by love and contentment. I’m not single at the moment – I’m in a long distance relationship because I’m a moron who likes to feel sad at unexpected moments and cry at toilet paper commercials. But if something happened and I was single again I’d have no qualms about taking the unescorted path through life. (I was going to write ‘solo’ again but thesaurus suggested I use ‘unescorted’. I think it sounds like a fancier voyage through life draped in fine jewels, feather boas and clutching martini glasses…)
Ultimately I am an advocate for happiness, single, coupled or swingers. Whatever state people need to be content, as the french say le go for it. When my grandmother makes these kind of comments I get on my high horse/soapbox (whatever is closest) and quote the poetry of Destiny’s Child Independent Woman to her (ssh, she doesn’t know.)
But sometimes I wonder: could she be right? I know that people can be happy and single, but then again do I really know this? Or is this something people say to hide the truth that ultimately, deep down, everybody wants to be wanted? That sure, you can be single and moderately happy but that really coupledom is the winning goal. Paper beats rock.
Now I could razzle dazzle you with the pro-couple ‘science’ (or ‘things I have learnt from TV’) and says things like: Couples live longer. And Penguins mate for life. And single people end up dying alone and they’re not discovered until the postman smells something funky and decides to investigate.
But the sentiment is more succinctly expressed by my grandmother: ‘I worry for single people. They’re all alone. Who will help them if they have a fall?’
My grandma’s underlying feeling is this: Sure you can be happy single but you’re not really happy. Like shopping in Ikea for his and hers shower rails happy. Like escaping someone’s undercover fart happy. Like having someone to call the ambulance if you trip on a wet towel happy. That kind of happy.
I don’t know if I necessarily agree.
Is there such thing as single and happy? Or is single happiness the second place ribbon to coupledom?
Claire Varley is a writer and community development worker. She works with women, youth and communication for social change, and has worked in China, Nepal and the Solomon Islands. Check out her blog here.
Comments
167 Comments so far
i don’t see the point of dating if everyone seem’s picky, so for now i’m content with being single! life’s too short to pair up and breed just to fulfil societal rules!
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grandma can have her opinion and I can have mine, no worries. It’s not like this is a maths question, like there’s only 1 correct answer, it’s fluid, everyone has there own feelings and they also change.
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Well firstly, if you aren’t happy within yourself, then single or partnered, you won’t be happy. Full stop. It’s simplistic to imagine that a relationship will somehow “make you happy.”
Secondly, an important point (which has been mentioned already), partnership is rarely a permanent state. Even when you take divorce out of the equation, one partner will usually end up outliving the other – and given that women have greater life expectancy, it’s usually the ladies left.
But don’t let this make you feel that you will “die old and alone.” My grandmother is living on her own for the first time at 87, as my grandpa has developed bad alzheimers and had to be moved to an aged are facility. And you know what? She has neighbours that keep an eye on her day-to-day, family members and friends that regularly call in to see how she’s going, a regular cleaner/help around her house, meals on wheels, assisted trips to the supermarket/movies/ library, a call from the red cross each day to check she’s alright, and a panic button worn around her neck in case she has a fall. Gone are the days where living alone meant no support. If she can embrace her independence at 87, I think we all can.
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I’m single and more than okay with that. too many people are in unhappy relationships due to societys expectations & coupledom seen as ‘success’.. at the end of the day an elderly couple rarely die together so someone will be alone at the end anyway! Live your life, surround yourself with amazing people and exist on your own terms, you don’t need someone else to ‘complete’ you, just complement you
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I’m single and very happy. I really don’t want a relationship at all. It might seem selfish, but I honestly don’t want to share my life or my bed, nor do I wish to make compromises. The biological clock is not an issue for me- I already have a child and have no desire (or the physical capability) to have another. My daughter, my family and friends are enough for me. I’m certainly not lying to myself in order to feel better about my single state- I have actively avoided relationships. If this makes me strange, so be it. I’m happy as I am. Side note- nothing irritates me more than people trying to tell me that I’ll change my mind, or to “just wait” until the right person comes along. I find it offensive. I know what is right for me, and I certainly don’t need anyone else telling me how I should live my life. If I do change my mind at a later date, then that is fine, too. But for now, I really can’t see it happening.
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I’m surprised by how conservative some of the comments in this post are. Of course you can be happy if you are single. I thought we had progressed beyond the idea that everyone either wants or should be in a nuclear family or live a particular lifestyle. I don’t perceive a lower level of happiness in my single friends than in my friends who are in relationships. Everyone is different.
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I agree with many of the comments here in that regardless of being single or partnered being happy within yourself is important.
I think on a basic level people can most certainly be happy alone, where it gets more complex is where there is a desire for children. We are born with boobs and a uterus so clearly there is a built in physical and mental expectation there for many women that simply cannot be ignored. This pain cannot be ignored and along with a desire to breed comes with a desire to partner simply because generally you need a man and woman (pertnership) to do so. There are exceptions of course.
So my tTake on it is (and I’m simplifying obviously) if you’re not feeling the kid thing then you can most certainly be happy not in a relationship, if you do want children with that desire can come a huge sadness to not be in a partnership. There are always exceptions, but I know myself that I always wanted children and at times in my life where I found myself off that path I didn’t like being single. I’m now married and have children who I adore and find that my personality and interests are very suited to being in married with kids. Lucky my husband is also not a solo kinda guy. But I’ve many friends who are single and loving life. Each to our own, these are just my observations, but underlying rule to happiness with your lot is taking time to love and nurture yourself.
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Ok, I’ll bite. Yes, I’m single and I hate it, but I also think my situation is very different to most single girls, especially those who say they love being single. I’ve never had real relationships. My last one was 4 years ago and lasted just over a month. It was kept secret because we were mates and we wanted to make sure it would work out before we “came out”. It didn’t, so I got dumped and had to pretend I was fine while know one knew what happened. My only other one before that was a two month thing that was similarly secretive. So here I am, 30, and I’ve never been introduced as anyone’s girlfriend, never been told “I love you”, never had an anniversary. I am lonely all the time, especially when im playing 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel to my couple friends. The girls who say they live being single, I find, are ones who have something behind them. Maybe it was a dodgy relationship, and they’re excited about their new freedom. I’ve had nothing but freedom. It sucks and I won’t feel sorry for acknowledging it sucks. All I can do is keep trying, but it’s bloody hard!
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I hear you. I have a very cute friend who’s exactly the same and I have no idea what to say to comfort her. I don’t know what you are like but there are things that I wish that I could say to her about observations I have made about her behaviour that I have kept inside, as I worry I would be overstepping the line. Please let me know if you might be interested in hearing them? I can’t promise they will be helpful to you, but who knows…
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I never had a proper b/f either until I was 32 and I married him. So don’t give up
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I think the issue is, can an individual be happy. Period. You have to make the decision to be happy. To change how you react to life. A lot of people – whether in a relationship & single- are simply unhappy because of their attitude. It’s not easy to be happy. It requires a lot of mental re-training. And you are not always going to be successful. You will have bad days/weeks. But it is possible to be happy with your life on a whole.
I could write all day on this, but that’s my (quick) two cents worth.
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I’m 24 and haven’t been in a relationship that resembled anything serious since I was 18, so I deal with this question a lot. It’s generally automatically assumed you just can’t find anyone if you’re still single and that you spend Saturday nights at home by yourself. I get where people are coming from when they doubt you could be happy without having the relationship that is ‘natural’ for us to want, but that point assumes that those who are happy single and those who are happy in relationship are in entirely separate camps. I really like being single, but I’d also really like being in a relationship with the right person. I don’t spend time wishing I was in that relationship, unhappy with my single status, but I’m also not saying I don’t want a relationship. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. There are positives to being in a relationship, but there are also positives to being single. But right now, I’m happy either way
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I’m single and in my late 40′s and would dearly love to meet someone special…where are all the decent single men? I wouldn’t say I’m happily single because I don’t feel it’s a choice but I’m generally happy most of the time. Why do some people meet their soulmate / life partner early in life and some of us don’t ever seen to find or be found by them…why is that? I always thought I would meet and marry my soulmate / life partner in my 20′s and live happily ever after…sadly, that hasn’t happened and I’ve had to watch the majority of my friends get their happily ever after.
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You’re not alone. I turn 38 next week. I am the only single gal in my group of friends and family. As a teenager I thought I’d be married with kids by my mid twenties. Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan. But I refuse to sit around and mop. I’ve traveled extensively and have work as a freelance which is financially perilous. I couldn’t do these things I had partner/kids to consider/support. Am I happy? I choose to be.
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It’s not “happily ever after” though – just look at the high divorce rate and declining marriage rate. It’s more like “happy for while, then abjectly miserable, then maybe you fix it or maybe one of you leaves.” Your path may have been different, but other paths are not necessarily any better / happier.
Having said that… if you want a piece of the “happy for a while” couples’ pie, perhaps you need to make changes to ensure that happens. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got…
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You’re not alone – I’m in my early 40′s and listen to the 20+ yo’s in the office talk about their bfs and wonder why my life is the way it is. But I am happy – I’m not sitting on the couch every Saturday night crying for my knight in shining armour to come to my rescue. I create my own happiness and I enjoy my own company.
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I don’t have anything at all against relaitonships but after being in a marriage and a string of relationships, I’ve decided to be on my ownn for a while. I’m 35 and yes, call me Bridget Jones if you like but it doesn’t bother me. I’m about to do some travelling(on my own) and do what i want instead of always doing what my partner wants. Not once did my husband ever discuss with me things together. It was just always expected if we went out, I’d drive and he’d drink, the budget was his way and what we wanted at shopping was always what he wanted and I just had to adapt to everything. I contibuted equally to the household but he never listened to me. It’s up to the individual. My parent’s have been married for 40 years and are still happy! I heard a saying not long ago and it was: Single? Taken? Who cares! As long as you are happy, that’s all that matters! How true! I just wish people would stop judging me for the decisions I make and like me for me. If you don’t like me then walk away! You don’t ever have to see me again! I’m just sick and tired of people butting their nose into other people’s business when it’s none of theirs!
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good for you. Enjoy your travels.
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I have to ask, why did you marry this man then? I wish more women would take responsibility for their personal choices.
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While I’m happy on my own after a string of awful men, I don’t think you are any less of a person if you choose not to marry/be in a relationship.. Besides, some of the most annoying people I know are smug married types.
“There’s only one thing worse than dinner with smug married couples… Dinner with lots of smug married couples.” Thanks Bridget
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I am either eating coffee ice cream or wishing that I was eating coffee ice cream.
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I have been married and am now single and have never been happier.Freedom is what I feel.Independant is what I am.Peace is a beautiful thing.I just wish people would stop telling me I’ll find someone.I will never give up what I have .I finally can be my self….lovely
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I am very happily single at the moment – a deliberate choice after years of back to back relationships. I’m loving it. But I wouldn’t want to be single forever, and probably the hope/knowledge that one day I’ll find someone right for me and settle down is the thing that makes being single so sweet. If it were forever, it would be less joyful and exciting and fun.
A partner (to me) is a partner in crime, a best friend, someone you face the world with and play with and having amazing sex and intimacy with. Why wouldn’t everyone want to find that?
It doesn’t mean you aren’t happy without it – but why wouldn’t you hope to one day find it?
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I thought Mamamia was supposed to be like a dinner party?
You would never, at a dinner party, say to a bunch of people (many of whom are single)
“My grandma says that there is no such thing as being single and happy. I’m not sure. What do you think, single people? Are you happy, or inside are you desperately lonely and sad, and this whole time you have been lying to yourself?!?”
What exactly is the point of this argument? It is asking for opinions, yes – but I wonder – how can anyone’s opinion on this matter?
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Been in some great relationships, been in some that make me want to gag. It’s human nature to pair up but I’m sure as hell having the best time as a single twenty-something traveling the world, managing my own money, doting on my friends children, calling in to places just because I don’t have to be anywhere at any time. I’m in charge and that’s empowering, my status and happiness have no connection.
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If only there was a muffin flavour that made you feel like being in love….
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Or there is the radical thought that one can be single, be happy but still be interested in meeting new people (for possible bedroom fun/his and her bathrails) but not have the happiness be contingent on finding said new person. I have been happy in relationships. I have been as equally happy not in relationships.
Here’s an even more radical thought:
You’re own happiness is not based upon your relationship status.
well eff me, I’m a philosopher.
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Is there anything sadder in life than never finding someone to love whom loves you back?.. If you never find love life can be pretty grim.
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do you include friends and family in that? I think going through life without anybody to love would be horrible. But I don’t think you necessarily need romantic love to be happy.
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I think at the end of the day we all crave companionship and intimacy. Very few can go through life happily without ever finding true love.
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YAY !!!! Another fabulous article leaving me feeling totally shit about myself being a single person, was fine till I read the lines…..
I know that people can be happy and single, but then again do I really know this? Or is this something people say to hide the truth that ultimately, deep down, everybody wants to be wanted?
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The one woman who is most insistant that I need to “find someone” had a disasterous marriage, left with the child that he wanted & she didn’t, & is now living with a man because she can’t afford to be alone (otherwise she wouldn’t be with him). Me thinks she’s a little bit jealous that I nearly own my own house, & can go anywhere, do anything with whomever I chose, whenever I want – and she can’t.
I have no objection to being in a relationship, but I prefer to live alone.
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I truly dont know any woman who is jealous of a single woman living alone. Seriously…
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My SIL was always jealous of me when I was a single gal – but then, her marriage has been a bit challenging at times. The grass always appears greener,,,
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I don’t know one woman who is married with kids who doesn’t wish their partner would leave. They mightn’t be unhappy enough to put their kids through a divorce but they don’t want to be married or have sex with their husbands anymore.
Marriage is not and has never been about women’s happiness. Singleness though is yours to create.
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That’s sad your married friends feel like that.
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thats a big call- “Marriage has never been about women’s happiness”, one i dont believe anyone can make as marriage means and is different things to different people. Although I am not married, I know plenty of happily married women, and some not so happy.
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You mustn’t know a great many people. I’ve known couples who have split up, but I know happily married couples (myself and my husband included) too.
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How sad to only know people like that. Or perhaps it’s simply your perception. I love my husband, we’ve been together since we were 16. He’s incredible and our life together is too. I know many couples who are just as happy.
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I seriously dont know any single woman living alone that wishes to be alone for the rest of her life… NONE!!!
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Hi, Anonymous, I’m Katherine. You now know one.
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I am happily married and love my husband and love our children and our life together. Happiness in marriage for a women does most certainly exist.
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I absolutely believe you can be happy or unhappy in a relationship or single. I don’t think most people would ever think one situation is always better. But as a matter of curiosity I do wonder how many happy and single people do see themselves with a partner down the track? Not asking how many are desperately searching for a partner but how many people in the back of their minds still think about finding the one? I think you can be happy and still thinking this but if that is the case it gives a little merit to Nannas somewhat loony theory that ultimately (maybe not right now) but ultimately people wish for one special person?! Not judging and not agreeing completely just wondering!!
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What I don’t understand is this either/or dichotomy. Like when you are single you are one type of person and when you are in a relationship you are another type of person.
I am me. Whether I am in a relationship or not I am the same person. Only my lifestyle alters when I have a partner versus not having a partner. (If I had to choose based just on lifestyle alone, single life will always win, hands down. The freedom I have to just do just about anything at anytime is the best part).
I am single at the moment and the way people react when they find out is so interesting. Some get quite uncomfortable about it. Some peg me in a hole and say things like “Oh your single so……” But most just want to live vicariously through me and my dating experiences. There is nothing more hilarious than hearing about my RSVP disaster dates.
A few months ago, me, being single came up a lot. I attended quite a few weddings and I was put on “the singles table”, I was introduced to the single guys that attended that were totally inappropriate, I was asked by the woman doing my makeup for when I was a bridesmaid, “But why you single? You so pretty?!” I just laughed it off. The cultural expectations that she was raised with that to be pretty and to have a man is everything in a woman’s life, is not a paradigm that I prescribe to.
Age has A LOT to do with how you feel about being single. But more importantly age has a lot to do with how OTHER people feel about you being single. Especially in the 30′s. It’s crunch time. Make or break. Last chance training. In the 30′s you get told all the time (completely unsolicited by the way) “you still have time”. I don’t know about the rest of the other 30 something women on here that are single – I can say that I DO feel the societal pressure to settle for some guy and have a family. I really do not need to be reminded of it all the time as it just adds to the pressure.
Lately what makes me really unhappy though is 2 things –
1. I’m getting sick of hearing the cliched thing everyone says to you – “Oh it will happen when you least expect it” (well if that is the case stop asking me every time you see me how my love life is going, I’m sick of justifying myself)
2. I’m sick of answering my friends constant questions about my single status.
So yeah, I agree with the assertion that single people are deep down unhappy. It is because we have to put up with smug couples, our friends and family harassing us all the time! Hahaha.
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Haha. I do agree with you, as someone who spent a bit of time in my 30′s single, that it’s the assumptions & judgements from other people that can be most annoying. I absolutely cherished my single time, it was great.
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I think the trick is to be happy with your life. Enjoy what you do, spend time with good company and build solid relationships.
If you are genuinely happy with what you have in your life, the fact that you do/don’t have a partner won’t have quite the same clout as it would if you were constantly longing for something else.
Probably easier said then done, but I think the first step is to love yourself, before you can truly love somebody else.
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150% agreed… Agree with another poster also in that what does someone who’s just desperate for a relationship actually bring to the other person?
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Going through a divorce at the moment, and infitnitely more happy being single than when I was with my ex!
A lot of people have said things to me like “You’re still young, you’ll meet someone else” etc.
The thing is, I have zero interest in being in a relationship ever again. I have spent my whole adult life until now always compromising with what another person wants. Frankly it was exhausting. Now I just want to be on my own and do as I damn please.
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Amusing topic
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I’m 28, single, never had a boyfriend. Even though I don’t often stop and think about it, subconsciously I know I am not normal. I don’t let it get me down, though. I get on with life. The one thing that scares me is that I may never have children.
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You are fine! What’s normal anyway? And you have more than enough time – I had my first baby when I was 40.
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That is the best comment I’ve read possibly ever, I’m just about to turn 30 and although I’ve had boyfriends and was engaged I’m feeling pretty sad about not being married. Your comments gives me hope that I have time to marry and have a family. Thank you for the comment, you never know what impact you’ll have on someone’s day.
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Oh, I’m glad it did Laura. When I was 31 I was in a similar position to you. I ended up really enjoying my single time in my 30′s though. Enjoy it, I bet you it won’t last forever x
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Having a kid at 40?! Seriously. So when your 57 your kid just turned 17. Thats not really good for the kid to have an old parent and also women who take children at a later age chances are allot bigger on miscarriages.. Just saying. Im 17 so time enough for me:p
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I was told I was infertile at 18, and for 10 years I struggled with it… I had tried with my partner of many years to no avail. We did all the tests, there was nothing wrong with him, just me. He couldn’t accept it and we split up. Strangely I fell pregnant, in a rebound fling a year later. My daughter is now 3 1/2. I was a single Mum from pregnancy until 4 months ago and never thought I’d meet anyone who would accept me as a single Mum… but now I’m happily partnered.
Also, my best friend met her husband at 36 and had kids shortly after. She thought she was past her “use by date” as she says, but then she met him. You never know where life will take you… don’t give up hope!
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Laura M I got married at 31, had my first child at 33 and my second at 37. Don’t panic xxx
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Thank you, ladies. x
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You can be happy and still want for things. You can be happy and want to travel, or want a new house, or want a dog. Coupledom just happens to be one of those things for some people.
Like the old saying about having everything you want, you would not necessarily be the happiest person alive.
Personally, if someone wasn’t a happy single, I would be very concerned about what kind of partner they would make. Would they become overly dependent/attached/controlling? Would they be so unsure of themselves as a person that they begin to take on your characteristics? (I had one of these. I kid you not. Being with a male version of myself was not much fun).
Maybe that’s a slightly unfair judgement, but I guess there is some truth in the thought that the appearance of desperation turns people off.
Be happy in the moment. Develop your own sense of identity and self-worth. What you have now is not likely to be what you have forever.
And when relatives/well-meaning friends stop asking singles when they are going to get hooked up, then those who are happy singles will stop doubting that they should be happy at all!
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Why are our only options happy or unhappy? I’m pretty sure no one, regardless of their relationship status, is 100% either way.
I’m single right now and I would love to find someone special but it wouldn’t be their job to make me happy. Of course if the relationship is an unhappy one most of the time, that would be a problem.
I’ve found that I’m actually much kinder to myself when I’m single than in a relationship.Being single, I can focus more on my health and fitness, my friendships, my family and my work which all make me happy and sometimes I have lost myself a bit in relationships.
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I think people want to belong to something but don’t all necessarily want to be with some one. I think people can be happy single as long as they have friends and belong to something.
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So strange, I was just thinking about this exact topic this week. I have been single forever, and am starting to think, is this my default mode? In evolutionary terms, we are meant to pair off but this has just never happened for me. Am I truly happy single? No. But I dont know what else I can do about it. If one more person tells me to put myself out there, I will scream. Because I have!
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This is me to a T, Florence.
On some level, deep down, I guess I would like a partner, to know that (un?)conditional love and commitment. But it just hasn’t worked out that way for me (so far – I’m 35). Maybe it’s just not meant to be for me?! I count myself lucky that I’m a lot happier alone than most people might be, but exactly as you say – what’s the point in feeling bad about something that’s out of my control? I don’t think I’m too picky, or particularly unbearable – the right person (or anyone even close) just hasn’t appeared – what am I to do about it?!
x TDMJ.
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I am unsure if I agree or disagree but all I know is every single person I know says they wish to be a couple. I do not know any happy single people.
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I call bullshit on that.
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Of course you can be happy. If you’re happy you’re happy. Regardless.
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I totally agree with Granny (and MetroKit) and for the record, I love my life, have been married and then had a beautiful 4 year relationship with a new partner. I have a successful career and adorable children but now I am solo and something is missing. I broke up with that partner 12 months ago and whilst we’ve both been dating other people since, he still comes back periodically – in tears (seeking connection and intimacy – not sex, that he says he cannot get from anyone else) saying he loves me and nothing will ever change that. METROKIT; If your long-distance lover broke up with his partner in December and you only met in Feb, that’s not a whole lot of time for him to heal and let go/move on if his previous relationship was a truly, special one OR if he left that relationship because he felt secretly insecure/inadequate or feared long-term comittment despite loving his ex (we can be fooled by the false bravado of a otherwise successful man). Don’t be taken in by the gifts – in my experience this is what men do for their ‘shiny, new thing’, especially when they are not short of cash. Men need to feel wanted and special (and desired sexually which can often be the reward of such lavishing) and can come across as the ‘dream’ guy initially. I have seen it with several friends’ partners however, when they work out their ego/insecurities etc they do end up back with their true love or take a considerably long time letting their former love go completely.
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Thanks anonymous.
I may have explained myself poorly in my post re gifts, there have been a few small gifts, but I just meant that he’s been willing to spend money on flights to visit me and other than that he calls/texts/emails me A LOT.. The flights between our cities are not cheap and although we both have good incomes, we both also have plenty of financial commitments so the cost of these flights is a bit of an issue, so we can’t see each other at the drop of a hat and driving is not really a viable option as it would take days and we both work, etc.
From what I have been able to glean from him so far, it sounded like he very much loved his ex and treated her beautifully, but things just didn’t work out and she was more of a fair weather girlfriend than a truly loving and supportive one. I think she realised shortly after it ended what she had given up and how it’s not so easy to find someone like him out there, as she tried to come back to him in March this year and he turned her away. He said something along the lines of he was happy to have had the opportunity to love her and grateful for the good times they had but it was too late and he wished her well..
Obviously, I only know his side of things and just the bits he has shared with me, but I have no reason to doubt him. He has said to me that now he’s met me he can look back more clearly at his time with her and see how unsupportive she was, however, it is also clear to me that he loved her and I know that he doesn’t love me (or doesn’t love me yet as I like to tell myself).
I’m actually feeling that he does want to settle down, but my fear is that not with me despite the fact in many ways he acts like we’re together. I think that if we were in the same city he would probably form more of an attachment to me than he has from afar. Problem for me is that I have become very emotinally attached to him and it is so hard to just play it cool and pretend I can just take it or leave it. I keep thinking about the saying if you love something set it free.. Problem is it’s hard to follow this without seeming like you are just being mean and playing manipulative games.
I will say this though, even though I am now in totally agony about this situation for much of my time, it beats being completely single.
I’d be so happy if this worked out because he really seems special. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.
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I don’t think that happiness should be based on the condition that you find someone to be in a relationship with. This is an extremely narrow and limiting view of what happiness can be. The assertion that we cannot be not truly happy with our lives until we find the right person is ridiculous. Ideas like “I will be happy when I find someone to love me/spend my life with” are ultimately negative and I think sets us up to fail in attaining that happiness by placing too much pressure on a relationship, so when it breaks down (and they often do) you can no longer be happy. Is that it for your happiness?
Be happy now regardless of your relationship status…I am
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I’ve found that the phases tend to go:
1. single and happy
2. in a relationship and happy
3. in a relationship and not happy
4. single and not happy
5. single and happy again.
Repeat.
There is something about happy, single people that attracts other happy, single people, in a way that morose miserable single people don’t. So the old story that “you only find a good relationship when you’re not looking for one” is absolutely true.
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omg! this is me!
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I hate this type of argument because it divides people into two camps only and dosen’t allow for the myriad of human backgrounds and experiences. I am 34, single and very happy. I am lucky enough to have wonderful family and friends and am very grateful for them.
I have had long term relationships with nice men but have always secretly preferred to be single.
I honestly feel that the fairy tale concept of being rescued by a knight in shining armour is so detrimental to women and girls.
To say that people who are in a relationship are all happy and satisfied is ridiculous, as well as it is to say that all single people are desperate and lonely.
The only people i feel sorry for are people who are too afraid to spend any time in their own company.
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It’s a false dichotomy.
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I know i’m going to die alone, so frankly i’d rather spend every moment before then in a state of not-alone-ness
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I’m single and I’m happy. The end.
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As a 21 year old single girl, I can say at the moment I am pretty happy being that way.
I definitely want to be in a relationship, the whole marriage and kids thing, but at the moment, I’m happy.
I’m a first year teacher in a country town, and despite what people keep telling me, I have no desire to marry a farmer (nothing against farmers, but I’m totally a city girl); so between uni for the past few years and now this, I’m happy being single.
But come talk to me in 5 years, haha.
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Can’t we be happy in a relationship and happy being single? Obviously, both states can’t coexist but I think we are all capable of finding happiness in different ‘relationship statuses’ at different periods in our lives.
I d,however, think it is very rare(although not impossible)to find someone who would truly prefer to be single forever. While they might be happy in the ‘right now’, I don’t know if many people exist who would truly choose a solitary life forever.
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I would agree with your granny here, but I think it may depend on what your age is and of course your individual circumstances.
I’m in my early 30s, I’ve had two long-term relationships, both of them lasting about 4 years, and various liaisons inbetween ranging from weeks to months. The relationships I’ve had, have in the main all been with good guys, and things just didn’t work out for fairly basic reasons like growing apart, wanting different things, etc. There was no major drama, however, the end of each of them was always a sad time, even if it was the right decision. Looking back iI could also categorically say that I prefer having a significant other, that someone special in your life that is always there for you and vice versa, than being on my own.
For the last 3 months I’ve been in a long distance relationship that’s not going anywhere fast. It started out fast though and the guy absolutely went all out to win my heart like nothing I’d ever experienced before and made me totally fall for him in a big way, but I digress.. Despite this I know that I’m still actually single.
I don’t want to be with just anyone, I need to really feel genuine and strong attraction and love towards them and that is not always easy to find, particularly as you get older and everyone is taken or has too much baggage.. (I wish I’d been more decisive and relationship focused in my 20s!).
I only have a few friends left that are around my age or older and still single and I can tell you that none of them are happy being single. In some cases they can’t find someone they want/like/connect with, in other cases it’s perhaps because they are too difficult/high maintenance or something like that. In any case, none of them are happy, but would admit this to very few people, unless you caught them at a really bad moment of sadness and depression.
Many people look at my life from the outside and see my comfortable and healthy lifestyle, high income, expensive home, family, many material possessions, freedom, etc (please don’t hold this against me, I’m just making a point that my life looks good on the outside) some of them think that I have a great life and I am happy, while others automatically feel sorry for me and think that no matter what else I have, I am alone, so my other success does not really count. I agree with the latter group, whilst I rarely admit to how lonely and unhappy I am in my life. I generally do a pretty good job of pretending.
I find that being single at my stage of life is usually a state of just coasting along, going through the motions and experiencing very few highs or lows. It’s like being a bit numb.
Over the last 3 months, now that I can add a long distance lover (who I have only spent about 10 days in total with in person) to the mix of my life, I’m now feeling the highs and lows again, two very extreme states. When I first met him, I had initially felt like I was home. It was the strangest yet most comforting feeling ever, but he hasn’t made a committment to me, and he says he’s not ready to settle down again yet (he finished a 2 year relationship in Dec 2011, we met in early Feb 2012). The funny thin is I have never had someone appear so committed to me in terms of buying airfares, calling me, checking in, etc, but it all seems to mean nothing, and he freaks out if I try to get too close.
Anyways, I agree with the granny
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Loved reading this, thanks
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Hi MetroKit, I included a comment about your post, in mine, good luck!!
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This long distance relationship sounds very familiar to me, I was in two in very similar situations one after the other. One was with a lovely guy – we were both on different journeys exploring the world and eventually grew apart, the next was when I had just arrived back in Australia. I was footloose and fancy free, met an absolutely dreamy man and was totally cool about it… To begin with… The ‘is this a relationship isn’t this a relationship’ nature of it all ate away at me until I became slightly insane (I recognise this in hindsight). The up side? My insanity led me to meeting my beautiful now-fiancé – hang in there everything seems to come to something good eventually!
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Hi anonymous
I hope you’re right.. Yes I can relate to the mild insanity. Its amazing how some of this crazy behavior manifests despite me knowing that it is not going to help me get what I want (quite the opposite in fact).
I always give my friends the best advice when it comes to the dating game and getting to that place where the guy actually falls for you and then you get to relax and just be yourself (and normal!). Let’s hope I can get there.
In my heart I do agree with you that everything leads to something good eventually. I believe this in all aspects of life. Having hope and a belief that everything eventually will work out for the best is what gets me through life.
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Your grandmother forgot the ‘kids/no kids’ divide … one of the most contentious of all, but we’ve had that debate here already, haven’t we?
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I haven’t met ‘everyone’ yet and asked them, but when I have I’ll get back to you and let you know!
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This is just my opinion, so if you care to disagree with me…go right ahead.
I think that it is a fairly sad type of git who doesn’t want to share their life with another person. After my divorce, I was one of those sad gits. I didn’t trust anyone, and although any type of a relationship would have been better than none I didn’t go out deliberately seeking one. Mind you, I didn’t necessarily try to discourage any interest that might have come my way. I became extremely fussy.
Being fussy paid off. My wonderful wife is my bestie in every way. I like to think that she helped to send the sad git on his miserable way. Thank God !
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I’ve always been pretty fussy with actual relationship choices, Braddles. I don’t see anything wrong with that.
I’m uber-independent, I hate “I’ll check and see if I can”. If I want to do something I want to be able to say yes on the spot and not have to worry about what someone else wants to do. Yet when I’ve been in relationships the very things that most people bitch about, I don’t do at all (like whine that they’re out with the boys and not snuggled up with meeeeeeeeeeeeeee) and this is somehow a defect too!
I’m also heartily sick of people assuming that I want a bloke now I’ve got KDot, who will of course “Take both of us on”. What is that??
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Kris, where were you when I was single ?
One of the first things that I liked about my wife was her independent spirit. I can stand clingy or domineering. I like to know that not only can “my gal” (term of endearment in this house) can make her own decisions, and when necessary…make decisions for me.
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I’m coming up to eight years single, after a 25 year marriage, and I have NO interest in another relationship. The thought of a moody man asking who I’m on the phone to or how much that dress cost makes my blood run cold.
I still have half the children at home and, I think, grandchildren not too far in the future so I’m surrounded by activity, family and friends. It would be lonely otherwise.
I just think I overdosed on aggravation and I have no man-patience left.
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