By EMILY DE SILVA
Her: My snuggy wuggy, can I have a kissy-wissy?
Me: No, get fuc—oh, sorry, you weren’t talking to me? Well, I’m in the near vicinity and your pathetic baby talk just made me vomit in my mouth.
Don’t you wish you could say that the next time you’re privy to that idiotic, cringe-worthy baby talk between couples?
When women, and friends especially (or at least people you are obliged to see on a regular basis) dabble in that saccharine sweet, high-pitched baby talk – it’s embarrassing and it makes everyone uncomfortable.
I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it stayed within the confines of a relationship behind closed doors and wasn’t out there in public representing womankind as downright idiotic. But it is and you need to stop.
I just don’t understand why it is that perfectly articulate, intelligent, highly-educated women choose to talk like a baby-waby around men (see how annoying it is?). I mean, it’s presumably because by dumbing-down and reverting back to the mental state of a toddler they’re making their man feel superior. That or they’re trying to appeal to a man who digs that whole women are the weaker-sex and Me, Tarzan bullsh*t.
But ladies? You are bringing the whole feminist establishment down.
And also? Just don’t.
It’s such an irritating trait that psychologists have spent time studying the phenomenon. Their research found “experimental evidence that women speak in a higher voice pitch to men they find attractive.”
Seriously? Do you really want to portray yourself exactly the same as someone who regularly shits their pants? I don’t think so.
Because you’re talking like a baby, you’re acting like a baby, what’s next for you? Adult diapers and handing over all the financial responsibility to the man, that’s what.
What? You think this reactionary feminism to a bit of boobsy-woobsy may be going a step too far? Well this will definitely impress you then: I’m going to employ the now fashionable misogynistic litmus test from author Caitlin Moran as my bullshit-o-meter for baby-talkers: Are the men doing it? Are the men talking like they’ve forgotten 98% of their vocabulary?
In my experience? No, no they’re not.
Least not in public.
And that’s probably because not only is it embarrassing but it’s also really dull. Babies don’t have any opinions on who should run the country or the fate of Bradley Manning or if the Spice Girls should reunite. They’re too busy opening and closing the same drawer 83 times and saying ‘fart‘ before laughing hysterically.
Still not convinced? Well, if you’re thinking about dabbling in some high-octave baby talk I’ve devised this handy test for you:
Are you under two years of age?
Yes -> Go right ahead.
No -> Just. Don’t.
Seriously, leave the baby talk for babies. You’ve got much more intelligent things to say.
What do you think of baby talk? Be honest, have you ever done it?
Emily de Silva is a 30-something mother of two. She does not talk to her husband or children in a baby voice. And nor should you.