When it comes to embarking on a new relationship, sometimes you’re prepared to overlook certain things.
He can’t dance? No worries. He doesn’t know who Penny Wong is? OK. He wears Crocs? Maybe.
Every woman has different dating/relationship deal breakers. What doesn’t matter to you (they’re just shoes), can be the end of the world to someone else (BUT THEY’RE CROCS!!!!!).
It seems though, that there is one thing most women agree on.
Would you date a man who was unemployed?
If you answered yes, go forth and good luck to you (just make sure you’re cashed up enough to pay for dinner and a cab).
If you answered no – you’re more typical. New research has found that the vast majority of women won’t date a man who doesn’t have a job.
Ouch.
That’s right, if he don’t have a job, chances are he’ll be single too.
A whopping 75% of women would be “unlikely” to date a man who doesn’t have a job — partly out of fear there will be a financial obligation if they date someone who is out of work, but also because they believe it will limit activities they can do in life.
Another 42% of women answered “Maybe” to whether they’d date an unemployed man, with the stipulation that “I wouldn’t want to throw a lot of time into it unless they had a game plan for getting back on track.”
Worse, 33 percent said flat out “No” when asked if they would date a jobless guy.
Right, so that means he’ll be splitting his time between seek.com and RSVP. That’s intense.
Before you assume this is about money, hold fire. Survey respondents said that their aversion to a man without a job wasn’t about his income. Rather, it’s about doing something and having a daily activity – these women didn’t want to date a man who had nothing to do with his time.
The creators of the survey said that “women’s old-fashioned beliefs about sex roles come into play more obviously in the dating world. Women expect the man they date to be able to take care of them, to pay for dinner and to treat them ‘like a lady’” (we’re not sure if that’s insulting rubbish or secretly true. No doubt you have an opinion which we’d love to hear).
Interestingly, when men were asked the same question – two thirds said they were open to dating an unemployed girl.
What’s your deal breaker when it comes to dating? Would you date a person who was unemployed? Do you think women are less inclined to date unemployed men because old-fashioned stereotypes say that men should be the breadwinner?
Comments
118 Comments so far
My friend’s deal breaker is a guy not being able to do calculus.
Going to agree with some others though smoking is my biggest deal breaker
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Why would I date a female who is unemployed. I totally agree with equality. From a man’s point of view it’s not worth the risk. What if she’s the type that expects to retire when a baby comes along so I miss out on my own child growing up. We know that if only men were more like females the world would be a better place. So I’ll do what 75% of females do which must be the right thing. Surely.
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I have to say that as a woman that has reached the stage in my life where I am looking for committment and stability, unemployment would be a huge dealbreaker for me. I want someone I can move forward with. Also, I am big on routine and structure so being with someone who sits around all day and does nothing would drive me insane.
But that’s just me…
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Due to having been unemployed, save for the odd contract role and regular volunteering, for the last five years, I’d have to say that 75% of women might want to reconsider the kind of guys they want to date. I’d also say it’s a massively huge generalisation to say that being unemployed is a dealbreaker. Just “sticking to the Centrelink requirements” and being too lazy to actually make the extra effort to get yourself noticed by an employer would probably be a dealbreaker for me.
My boyfriend knew I was looking for work when we met and now I’m employed full-time. It’s amazing what can happen when someone actually decides to take a chance on you.
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I supported an unemployed man for nearly four years and with his first serious pay packet he left without warning.
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My boyfriend only knew me for three months before I got my job. I guess to further articulate on my last sentence, it’s amazing for the self-esteem and it would give any sensible person the extra motivation to get their life back together.
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There are lots of date-able guys who work in my building. But if any of them work on the first floor and take the lift instead of the stairs that’s it. NOT interested!
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The lift? Really?
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Heehee… well I can’t help but stare incredulously at those people who get on the lift to go one level and who obviously could go the stairs instead of slowing us 10th floor babes down!! It would be against my high and mighty principles to date one of them! I’m sure I could compromise though if I were allowed to tease them about it…and if chocolates were involved.
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While I was studying at university, I wasn’t actively seeking employment. Aside from university, I took over caring for my brother who is disabled while both my parents were working. I also did all the cooking and shopping, as well as acting as “chauffeur” to two other siblings taking them to and from school, appointments ect. I did alot of the chores within the house. During this time period, my parents were paying my bills and giving me an “allowance” Had it not been for this, I would have been seeking employment.
It would depend on the reason why someone was unemployed. But long term unemployed or never been employed (straight from school to Centrelink) would be a big no no for me
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Unemployed doesn’t necessarily equate to lazy. He may just be having some bad luck currently, or need retraining because his normal occupation is changing or be a struggling artist, trying to make name for himself. There are many reasons why someone is unemployed and to assume it’s due to lack of ambition or expecting that the world owes him a living says more about the women who wouldn’t date him than the man.
Poor blokes. Imagine, dealing with the low self-esteem which often arises from unemployment and also now knowing that most females will ignore them
until they are “eligible” again. Sheesh, I thought we’d come just a tad farther than that!
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I think the majority of people who have commented are saying that it is very dependant on the situation. If they’ve just been fired or a student, most people are fine with. But there are many guys who are happy to remain unemployed, don’t even bother looking for a job, are happy to keep their Centrelink payments or sponging off their parents.
I think if I met a guy who had lost his job and was actively seeking employment, then I wouldn’t have an issue with it. If he loved doing a minimal wage job because it made him happy, then it wouldn’t worry me. He’s doing a job he loves and that’s great. It’s not about the dollars.
A friend recently dated a guy who had more or less been unemployed since leaving school (he was now 30) He bounced around some temp jobs but mostly lived off Centrelink payments and his parents. He had no ambition, didn’t want to study, just wanted to keep going from job to job and basically 6-9 months of the year be completely unemployed. To me, that says alot about someones character. What about the future? Are those Centrelink payments going to cover a mortgage or clothes for the kids? It’s one think to be a little aimless at 19-20. It’s alot different when the problem is going on 12 years after leaving school.
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Then why the hell did you date him in the first place?
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I have dated unemployed men before and wouldn’t do it again unless it was “gardening leave” unemployment ie they already have another job lined up. My preference has nothing to do with men being the breadwinner, I want to earn and have my own money and not be dependant on anyone else, I just haven’t had positive experiences dating unemployed men (especially when they are on the dole or DSP). Past experiences have also taught me that a man without a car can be frustrating, and a man with multiple children by different mothers – not doing that again. Lovely men, just not for me or what I want out of my life. Also, anyone who likes techno music and clubbing – sorry, I’m a metal and blues fan, just can’t deal with that type of music LOL
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My ex was an unemployed plumber – yes you heard right… Years of experience, very good at his trade – but lazy. He’d earn enough to have $10,000 in the bank, then quit his job and be a bum while the cash ran down. And he smoked – gah!
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Ew. Smoking is an absolute dealbreaker for me.
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I would and have given a chance to an unemployed prospective partner. It was definitely worth it! I saw proof of motivation and ambition in him, and always knew he’d find a great job eventually and he did.
When we first started dating, a couple of my girlfriends were surprised to learn that we always took turns to pay the bill. They’re more old-fashioned than me, I guess. The same friends who complain that their partner never does the laundry or housework. But I’ve found that an equal attitude to money works very well with housework, too!
That said, a person with no motivation, who spends their days aimlessly – yeah, that would turn me off, even if they had a huge trust fund or similar.
But this is very different to being unemployed, and I don’t think one should ever assume an unemployed person isn’t driven.
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the question needs to be qualified by what ‘unemployment’ encapsulates to the person being asked. For many people employment is a large part of what they do, who they are and how they spend their time.
To me it’s less of a financial question and more of a personality question.
I am my job. I love my job and i love that it makes me who i am. I want to be able to share that passion with my partner.
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Oh boy. Words of advice from someone who has been there – DON’T date, get engaged to or marry somebody unemployed. You don’t know how long they will be unemployed for. It is also likely that, during their period of unemployment, they won’t do much around the house either. Save yourself the exhaustion, frustration and resentment – not to mention the money (that you work hard to earn).
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Homophobic and a laissez faire about politics and injustice in the world are definite deal breakers for me.
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This is an American study. With the current unemployment levels and economic situation in the USA is it surprising they got the result they did? Context matters! I doubt you’d get the same result here in Australia given our low unemployment and growing economy.
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I’m far too shallow and materialistic
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Depends why he is unemployed. If he’s unemployed because he is loaded from selling an app or writing one hit song, surely no one would mind a little bit of “unemployment”?! Muahahahahahaha
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Depends why he was unemployed, how long ago his last job was and what he did or is qualified to do. If he was in between jobs and he is qualified in something or studying he would be worth a chance.
If he was a bum or just loafing around contemplating life I would run fast. You have to look at if it ends up being long term or marriage – it could just make life hard and limit choices for your family if he is a drifter who leaves jobs regularly or has an aversion to working.
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It depends on why he was unemployed. If he was studying, then it wouldn’t worry me. If he was looking for a job after being fired from a previous job, then it wouldn’t worry me. If they were a carer for someone, then I would be fine with that too. It would be very dependent on WHY they were unemployed.
But if he was just not working, not looking for work, not studying ect, then it would be a deal breaker. It isn’t about the money he does or doesn’t have. But if they’re happy just to rely on Centrelink payments or just living off their parents, it doesn’t say much for their motivation or planning for the future.
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You could hire him to be your boyfriend
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I would consider dating an unemployed man if he was actively seeking work, and didn’t just spend his time doing nothing. If a man is educated, well-read, intelligent, interesting, or just knows something about the world around him, that means a lot more to me than a job. Although obviously if it’s clear that he has no intention of supporting himself and is just leeching off me, I would probably give him the flick, but I wouldn’t judge each case under the same huge generalisation that unemployment equals inferiority.
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I would never view someone negatively for being out of work. If he was motivated and interested in carving a career for himself and developing his interests, then that is what would count for me. I have been unemployed (for 3 months) and it is awful. And it didn’t reflect me as a person – I am passionate and career oriented and really want to make a difference. If he was sitting around all day getting stoned and wasn’t interested in finding work then that would be a deal breaker…
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now i’ve read this and given it some thought, my 3 ex’s were not employed when we got together and eventually, sometime in the relo’s, they have gotten a job. i think it’s a big factor on their personal identities and if not having a job effects who they perceive themselves as, it will in turn affect your relo with them.
i cant help but channel that SJP movie, failure to launch, where she gets guys outta their parents homes but in this case, my 3 long term relo’s got these guys in a career and then we went our seperate ways. *sigh*.
so my current partner started the same way but 2 years on (still shorter than the other relos so fingers crossed) we’re still kicking strong and loving life.
he didnt and doesnt associate himself according to a career so i think this and maturity is the big difference
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I dont think I could date someone who didn’t work, but not because of the lack of income, but because of the lack of motivation or daily structure/activity they may have. It would bug me as it would feel like they arent doing anything, and it may show the kind of person they are. Ultimately, I want someone who will be able to support me and our family (if/when we have one) so that’s not possible with no job!
Having said that, my boyfriend took a couple of months off last year as he needed a break, which I was ok with, and he still had enough money saved to support himself. I dont think I would have been ok if he wasn’t working when we met.
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My immediate reaction is to say “I could deal with a man who was in-between jobs, but long-term unemployement is an absolute deal-breaker AND a turn-off.”.
But hey. In this economy, anything is possible. Yesterday’s corporate high-flier is today’s job seeker. By overlooking someone due to unemployment, you could be missing out on someone intelligent, educated, creative, kind, and sexy.
I’m no stranger to financial difficulty, so I understand the desire to be with a man who can provide (or at the very least, pay his own way). I also understand that it’s not very appealing to date someone who spends his days on the couch.
But you know what? I’ve been unemployed! I was unemployed for quite some time! And it’s a HORRIBLE feeling. You want to scream at the world: “I’M PRODUCTIVE! I’M INTELLIGENT! I’M WONDERFUL!”. It’s awful to be judged on your joblessness.
I’m thankful that I was never overlooked by partners on the basis of being in between jobs. I would hope that I’d always give a man the same chance!
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I agree…your comment is pretty much what I wanted to say, but sounds much better than what I said!!
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Last year I dated a guy who was 10 years older than me and told me when we first met he had an “income stream” and was taking a break from work for a few months. OK, I thought, he’s living off some investments. Turned out his “income stream” was Centrelink payments…. LOL
Every time he stayed (with his 2 children for the weekend), he’d give me $50… like that went anywhere near feeding him and his kids for 3 days. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I sent him down the “stream” (which I hope turned into a raging river and he went plunging over a waterfall)
I won’t date men who are unemployed – he was the first and the last.
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I wouldn’t date a man who couldn’t or wouldn’t want to take that traditional role! Yes I’m old fashioned, been told that I belong in the 1950′s & am picky! But I actually found it easy to date once I got back into it! When I worked out what I wanted & stuck to it I found there were so many guys out there with traditional values! I think I’ve paid for lunch once & groceries a few times while he has paid for everything else including trips away! If I have to take that traditional role to be treated like a princess than I will happily do the dishes!
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I am quite motivated about my work and achieving career goals in my profession. I have studied & worked hard to get where I am & I believe that is reflected in my core values. I am not sure I would have much in common with someone whose values didn’t reflect my own. In saying that, just being unemployed when I meet them doesn’t mean the person isn’t motivated about their career, maybe they are taking time off to study or for health or family reasons. Maybe they are in between jobs, or they have just won lotto. I think it depends on their entire outlook, not just their current employment situation.
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I dated a guy that was unemployed and I worked but depending on other thing that you like about that person can overcome money. We are now married and he has a great job and now earns more than me. Things change over time, as he wanted to get married he had the ability to get out there and do study and then a job. so don”t judge a person by what they have at that moment.
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In support of the ‘it’s not just about the man being The Man and being able to pay for things’, I’m bisexual and I’d be just as reluctant to date an unemployed woman as an unemployed man, particularly now that I’m in my late 30s. It wasn’t as much of an issue when I was younger because we’re all still figuring stuff out in our 20s, but if you’re approaching middle age and you haven’t got yourself sorted out, I’m not likely to be interested. That said, the job market being what it is, I think perhaps the more pertinent question isn’t whether the person is employed but whether they’re employable, want to be employed/doing something they genuinely care about, and motivated to get on track. I also think that my own level of motivation and employment are factors – I care about this stuff, so it makes sense to want to be with someone who shares that.
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Deal breaker for me?
Smoking.
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I agree, Cordeline. No smoking!
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Yeah cuz smoking makes such evil and bad people. There’s no possible redemption for us, none at all. Right?
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It’s not about being evil and bad. You just stink.
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So…. you want a guy that’s easy on the nose 24/7?
I hear puberty kinda ruins your chances for that.
But there’s no point getting to know a guy, no matter how decent he is, if he smells bad occasionally, right? Or of he’s unemployed? There is no POSSIBLE way he could be the right kinda person, and you know this for sure before you’ve even tried.
I don’t buy it.
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Or perhaps it’s that most people don’t want to be sitting by a respirator because someone’s too retarded to know better than to smoke.
Smoking’s a dealbreaker for me with women.. As is inability to locate a wallet to pay for anything anytime. So I guess that’s more common than out of work – but same level of sponging.
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I’m sure some people don’t care about the smell, but those of us with sensitive noses do. It’s not about smelling occasionally either. If you smoke regularly, you reek of it: your clothes, sure, but also your skin, your hair, your hands all stink and the taste….!!!. I dated a smoker who made every effort to minimize the smell, never smoked around me or before we went out and basically bent over backwards to accommodate me and although I adored her, it just. didn’t. work. So yeah, smoking is a total dealbreaker no matter how awesome the person, because getting close to them is just impossible if smell is important to you.
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No Marty, it’s not that you’re evil or bad, it’s just that you all have that smoker smell and waste ridiculous amounts of money on something that’s going to kill you. And I’m yet to meet a non-smoker that wants to kiss a stinky old ashtray.
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Good thing I’m a human being, and not an ash tray then.
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that’s a deal breaker for me too, and not because smokers are evil/stink. We all know that smoking contributes to a huge range of different diseases, and I don’t want someone I love to do something that will make them ill. Yes, I know that there are other factors (genetics, diet, weight etc) that can contribute, but smoking is such a major yet preventable risk factor.
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Can we all play nice please? Thanks everyone.
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I never thought I would end up with a smoker, was a definate deal breaker. Guess what though, I fell for a smoker. Hate his habit but love him. He has got a job though!
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Marty, no, it’s not because smokers are evil and bad and there is no possible redemption for you. My parents smoked till I was 15 years old. They are not evil or bad, and they did redeem themselves though.
But while they were smokers, I could barely stand to be in the same room with them. The smell of the smoke and them would make me physically ill. Nauseated, often I would vomit and my asthma flared up (thanks mum for smoking while pregnant with me).
My dad later in life suffered throat cancer. Thanks smoking. My grandfather died of lung cancer, my grandmother liver cancer. Thanks again and again smoking.
The smell of cigarette smoke makes me physically ill, so no, I would never be in a relationship with someone who’s scent made me physically ill. Would you Marty?
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I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years, approximately 18 months of that he was unemployed. Despite the fact we’re still very much in love, It was exceptionally hard, and the fact I paid for everything has almost become habit, even though he’s been working full-time for 18 months now.
It has caused a huge strain in our relationship and the fact I have a successful career is quite challenging for him. Despite our even salaries, I end up paying for most incidentals and generally end up paying for bigger purchases which he’ll pay me back as over time.
This could just be him specifically with lingering behaviours, but long term unemployment is certainly a turn off, and had he been like this when we met, I’m not sure if I could have stuck it out.
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So you’ve been with him for 4 years, he was unemployed for 18 months and has now been employed for 18 months.
You’ll have to make up a better story next time.
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It’s quite possible he was employed for a year before he became unemployed… It doesn’t sound like he was unemployed before they started dating…
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Being a single female who is ‘between jobs’ the last sentence of this article gives me some hope!!
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Money shouldn’t come into the equation. If there’s real chemistry and attraction, and lust at first sight , money will be the last thing you’ll think of.
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That may be true for say, um, the first 4 weeks. After that reality will set in and ‘chemistry and lust’ will be replaced with annoyance and resentment:)
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Money shouldn’t come into it?
Are you kidding?
Try being a bloke on a first date. If you don’t have the money to pay you won’t see a second date in a fit.
Money always comes into it. I’ve never, ever known a woman to offer to pay for the entire first date. About half make a really piss weak effort at offering, perhaps 10% or less actually insist on paying half, but never, ever, do women pay for the entire first date.
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Stupid generalisation based on anecdotal experience FTW.
My partner and I have the Dutch or swap agreement. We either split costs or alternate them. And I paid for the first date, because he was at the end of his pay cycle.
I’m sure a lot of women can say the same, too. Geez.
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So my generalization based on experience with dating a couple of hundred womem is of less value than your generalization with one bloke.
Yeah, I can see how you justify that.
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Considering it’s the standard among my circle of friends, across various partners – my anecdotal evidence probably holds more reliability and definitely less bitterness. And it’s not a generalisation, it’s a world view accepted and practised by many women.
I doubt you’ve dated a couple of hundred women. Maybe a couple of dozen. If you don’t want to pay all the time, set the correct expectations and boundaries early in the piece. Not hard, though it does require open and friendly communication.
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They say you marry your father …
Well mine is a lawyer and I do seem to date guys who are professionals, that said, I am at law school and I suppose it makes sense that I date men who are similar to me. My current boyfriend is a geologist which is different and really cool. Have dated lots of students (like myself) but probably wouldn’t date someone long term unemployed, no.
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My dad is a minister… I don’t think there is ANY chance of me marrying one of those!!
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haha, but maybe you’d date someone with similar principles? I look at my dad and he has the same kind of ideals I look for in men I date …. and I inherited all my emotional shortcomings from him too, so it’s probably why I’ve dated so many arseholes. I’ll blame him anyway, lol!
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ha ha ha – my dad may be a minister but he doesn’t have very good principles and is a bit of an arsehole too, so hopefully I stay away from guys like him for reasons other than I’m not religious
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My fiance is a Geologist too – his favourite joke is “Geologists make the bed rock”. Har har.
Seriously though, aside from his questionable sense of humour he does have an interesting career (FIFO in WA) and is well-paid, having worked very hard to go back to uni while working as a cleaner. For a lot of people, having a cleaner as a partner could have been a deal-breaker but for me, I understood the flexibility it allowed him and was impressed that he never considered himself ‘above’ anything.
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I love that.
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I met my geo husband when he was a poor student, I stuck with him through vegemite sandwich meals and cheap/free dates. Now he has a very well paid job and immense career satisfaction. The person you meet today does not define who they will be tomorrow.
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My boyfriend is unemployed, he was unemployed for close to 18 months due to a back injury, worked for 10 months then was recently made redundant – now back on the job hunting circut and has been for 3 months. When you have such a long break from work and then again only a short stint back in the workforce, I don’t think you look particularly desireable for employers to hire. When he injured himself he was doing some casual labouring in between jobs – so that he wasn’t sitting around being lazy & unemployed… Makes me wish he’d just stayed unemployed for longer and maybe life would be a little different!
He was studying when we met (so was I) and I think if he had been doing NOTHING (ie. not studying AND not working) I’d have viewed it a little differently – especially now I know how hard it is to support another person financially! But it’s always good to keep an open mind and remember there are many reasons for someone to be unemployed – there is a big difference between choice & circumstance making one unemployed.
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Oh and by the way not wanting to date an unemployed man would have nothing to do with who is the breadwinner for me… it’s more about drive for life & wanting to be independent rather than rely on others for money etc…
Been the ‘breadwinner’ my entire relationship and while some view that as unfair, if it was the other way round I’m sure less people would be inclined to comment to me about it…
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I agree – my boyfriend is unemployed too, and we’ve both had stints of unemployment in the last few years. Chances are it’s going to happen to most people in their lifetime now. Being out of work is really tough going; I can’t imagine how depressing it would be if everyone refused to date you because of it as well.
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Well said! I hope your boyfriend has made a full recovering. I know what it’s like to be taken out of work because of illness or injury. It’s really really hard and it’s worse when people judge you not knowing the full story.
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Thanks oliveblanche
)
Sadly not a full recovery, he has restrictions on how long he can stand and walk so even trickier to find anything other than an office job.
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Aw megalasaurus, your man is lucky to have your support – he sounds like a good and otherwise hardworking guy. Maybe he just needs to do some further study and train a different field so he can get some confidence and job satisfaction back!
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I once went on a date with a guy who was unemployed – he bored me to tears…. so i left and never saw him again. So ladies don’t let my bad experience get in the way of dating a potential Mr. Righ, you never know what could happen
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Do you think this particular person probably would have bored you to death even if he’d been employed? So perhaps his status as ‘unemployed’ had nothing to do with how boring he was.
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Have you ever considered that it wasn’t him who was boring, but that you need to be entertained like a 4 year old at an opera?
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what happened to my other post!?
look i went out with a guy who was was unemployed, I didn’t care that he was unemployed because he had dreams and ambitions which he was working towards which I thought was great!. but I personally thought he was boring – we didn’t have anything in common – and so i never saw him again. It’s not that I need to be entertained or anything… i just wanted to laugh on the date, and if I had to force myself to laugh on the date, then what’s the point in going on a second date.
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And so I guess that would be my deal breaker – a forced laugh during a date
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I don’t like to think I am shallow but I have declined to date a guy because he was unemployed. When he asked me out, he was twenty-three years old. He had dropped out of high school when he was in year 12 and had done nothing since. He pretty much stayed home all day, every day and played xbox (which is fun to do on holidays/once in a while, but everyday for five years?) It wasn’t his present lack of money that bothered me so much as the fact that he had absolutely no motivation to get a job/go back to education. I can’t imagine dating someone who just wants to play xbox all the time. From my perspective, it looked like he had no intention of ever getting a job. I am a university student (with a casual job) and I would date a guy who was a student who didn’t have a job.
I think there is a difference between a guy who is unemployed but looking for work (or at least wanting to work) or a guy who is studying compared to someone, who for all intents and purposes, looks like they are going to permanently be unemployed.
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I finished school but had no idea what I wanted to do in life, until about 25. I wanted to attend Uni, but couldn’t afford to – so I became a bartender and saved my pennies until I figured out what I wanted to do. Not all people skip Uni, because they can’t be bothered to study. Sometimes, they just can’t afford it and not everyone is approved for HECS. But then again, my friends who did go to Uni, have finished and are working in jobs that have nothing to do with their degrees. It seems to me, they also had no idea what they wanted to do with their lives when they finished high school.
For this article, motivation is my key factor. Not employment or what job they have or don’t have. If you’re motivated and treat me the right way, then you’re in!
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Oh, I have nothing against people who delay going to uni (or who choose not to go at all). My main problem with this guy is that he wasn’t working or studying (for five years which suggested to me that this was not a temporary arrangement) and didn’t seem to have any intention to get a job or enrol in a course. I couldn’t imagine a relationship (or a future) with someone who didn’t do anything but play xbox.
I kind of admire your courage for admitting that you didn’t know what to do in life and saving money for when you did. From my experience there is a lot of pressure to know exactly what you want to do when you finish school and persue it immediately. Your situation sounds completely different from the guy who asked me out. Like you said, you were working and saving money during those years, whereas he certainly was not.
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You’re completely right! It’s definitely the motivation and their ‘will’, I guess. People who lack it, are definitely not people I want around me. When I was young and trying to figure myself out and save my pennies, I also dated a guy who fell in with the wrong crowd (liked partying more than being responsible) and he lost his job. I supported him for about 6 months before I had enough. If he was motivated, or tried to clean his act up, or even tried to find another job, I would’ve stayed; but the money I was ‘lending’ him, went to the pub instead. He looked at it as, ‘You have heaps of money’ AKA my nest egg to eventually start my own business. What kept me in there for that long, was knowing he had a horrible childhood and a horrible mother and basically no mental support or love from his parents.
But it is a huge pressure to figure out the rest of your life, when you finish school. I did find some people from school were scared, because they didn’t know either and picked Uni degrees for the sake of it. Using my own experience and people I know, 18 is far too young for a lot of people to make such a huge decision and am glad I didn’t make any decisions back then.
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You never would have dated the likes of Steve Jobs, then. He didn’t turn out too bad, employment wise that is.
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I’m pretty sure 150% of women completed this survey…unless I have completely misinterpreted the relationship of the quoted figures to each other…
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The wording is really confusing – the 42% who said maybe and the 33% who said no add up to the total 75% who would be unlikely.
The “Another 42% of women answered ….” should be “Of that 75%, 42% answered…”
I had to read it a couple of times!
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…in which case the headline is incorrect, misleading and contrived to get attention.
“Unlikely” and “maybe” are NOT the same thing – “unlikely” is negative, while “maybe” is neutral or positive.
So “75% wouldn’t date this guy” is untrue – women are not that bad. It should say 33% wouldn’t, and 42% might.
It drives me nuts when magazines (in this case the Huffington Post, reposted by Mamamia) or clients (who usually own the research so can do what they want to with it) misread or misunderstand stats, and then use them to mislead customers or readers!
Although it can be very entertaining…
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Really good point. Also…it’s a survey in America. The social context definitely makes a difference.
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My sister is dating a guy who’s unemployed. He’s a sweetheart and they love each other dearly, but it does concern me that she’s paying his way. They’ve been together for 9 months and she says she considers her hard-earned money to be his as well. I’m all for choice, and maybe we’re just two different people, but he hasn’t worked in ages. She was in a similar fix not long ago, but she’s super motivated whereas he just doesn’t seem to be doing much for his situation. He doesn’t help with the housework, she cooks his meals… I don’t know, would this bother anyone else?
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YES! Be bothered!
If he’s not working, he should at LEAST be cooking and cleaning the house – it’s what I demand of my boyfriend when he is out of work.
I learned the hard way after doing what your sister is doing for FIVE YEARS with a previous boyfriend – when there is no pressure, there is no motivation to change. And there is no growth.
If he can’t get work, then go back to school/TAFE, learn something new and change direction. If he loves her, he should want to lessen her stress by helping where he can, starting with the home.
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OH God, she’s not just dating him, it sounds like she lives with him! That means she is supporting him completely. What a shocker.
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My boyfriend is unemployed and I love him dearly, but I am not responsible for him financially. Of course I can pay his way, but that would be unhealthy for both of us – emasculating and demeaning for him, resentment-inducing for me. Getting a job is difficult and your sister’s partner will need her support, but it should be mostly emotional. It’s hard enough for guys to rely on their partner so much without the money thing too.
If he doesn’t find it unempowering and depressing to live off your sister, and isn’t doing much to change that situation, then he will be probably living off her for life – he is clearly unmotivated and a bad match.
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When I was younger I would have said ‘Hell no’ to dating a man who is unemployed. However just over two years ago I met THE most wonderful man, who is perfect for me – he is also blind. He was unemployed when we met and now works part time (which I am so proud of!) but his employability is very limited. He is never going to be a major breadwinner and I have had to adjust my own goals to accept the fact that I will be the big household earner from now on. If we were to have children, he would be the SAHD and I would be back to earning the dollars.
In many ways, what seemed like a challenge has turned out to be a blessing. It has forced me to re-focus my career and it is truly wonderful to come home to a clean house, dinner on the stove and a happy man. So different to my past double income relationships. Money isn’t everything and it certainly can’t buy you happiness.
Having said all this, it is important to me that my partner be motivated, inspiring and interesting so I’m still saying no to the video game playing, drugged up stereotype that many women would be envisaging when they hear the term ‘unemployed man’.
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I met my boyfriend of 4 years when he was taking a break from uni AND unemployed. We were housemates. It just happened. He didn’t have a plan and was in a “what the hell do I want to do with my life” phase. Which he is still in, but for the record he works as a postman, and is considering leaving to get a job with more hours.
I didn’t think much about it because by the time we got together I knew him really well. What I was more worried about was my friends / family reaction, my family took a little while to warm to him, but after he helped me through a tough time with illness 2 years ago they embraced him 100%. Most of my friends seem cool with him but a couple in particular give me the vibe they don’t think much of him and are constantly asking “So, what’s he up to? Still a postie? Is he going back to uni next semester?” It’s annoying (not to mention none of their business!). I’ll admit that in a lot of ways he’s not good on paper, but you can’t help who you fall in love with!
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He treats you well and has a job. I don’t see any problems with that!
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Sounds like its your friends problems not his. He has a job…..who cares what it is. That’s really rude of your friends. If you love him, he loves you and treats you well that’s all that’s important. I know we need money to live but it is possible to get by with not a lot and if you aren’t worried why should your friends be? If the only issue with him is his job then he sounds like a pretty good guy.
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To me, it isn’t about the “employed” status… it is the implications and other character traits that often come with it.
There are times in a persons life where, for some reason or another, they are unemployed. If you are studying full time, have prospects, left one job to persue your dream job, are applying for jobs and genuinely looking (not “looking” just so Centrelink doesn’t cut you off), if you are trying to improve your employablitiy by undertaking training, and doing courses – these are all positive things. These often mean someone is bold and a risk taker, invested in their learning, interested in long term goals not short term gain, and that is appealing to me.
Chronic dole bludger? No thanks! Living off family wealth? NO!
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Right on Kate
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I agree with you on that.
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I’ve changed/left jobs and some people think it’s impulsive or whatever (especially signing up for the Navy!) but I think a lot of the derision comes from some others wishing they could do it too. You’ve just described me over the years – working, looking for work, studying. I’ve never been scared by it.
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Never sick of work. Love it. It keeps me sane.
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This is pure evolutionary biology and sexual selection. Basically, in many animal species the males compete to be the best available partner to the females and the females choose their preferred suitor based on the one most likely to provide and produce strong offspring. Now, is the female peacock going to choose the male that sits around on his tail feathers all day playing video games, or the male that puffs his feathers and provides for his new family?
I don’t think we always realise how wired we are to our natural evolutionary ways.
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Spot on Kate.
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But I don’t need someone to provide for me. I need someone to provide for himself.
I can provide for me!
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I suspect their ‘yes/no/maybe’ results here is more about how they ‘feel’ when they think of an unemployed man. People often pick socially conforming answers even in anonymous polls so the justification for their yes or no probably rationalises that. It’s more PC to say ‘I’m worried about shared activities” rather than “I want a man who can take care of me” or “I wouldn’t feel secure in the relationship”
If it was about shared activities, wouldn’t you expect the results to be similar to the mens’?
“I wouldn’t want to throw a lot of time into it unless they had a game plan for getting back on track.”
This is more than fair.
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Mine was working 3 days a week as a pick-packer at Woolies distrubution centre. He’s now down to 1 day a week and starting uni in about a month. Last few months have been fraught with indecision, switching between courses and finally settling on the course he wants and is excited to do.
He has been having back problems with work, he has collapsed arches in his feet so they play havoc with his posture. (Which is why he is down to 1 day a week until he can get his back checked out) As we live on the Central Coast, the work has all but dried up so without qualifications it is almost impossible to get work there.
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Well, I guess it makes it even harder for someone like me, who is female, unemployed, over 50 and going to uni to find someone to date. And I do wear Crocs on occasion.
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My Deal Breaker – Smokers.
I don’t care how amazing you are, you have no respect for your body by smoking. Considering the research of the outcomes to smoking, you shouldn’t be doing it.
I know too may people it has killed/killing.
It may sounds harsh and I do realise its an addiction for people. But there is so much support out there for people who want to quit.
Another factor is I hate the taste of kissing an ash tray!
Luckily my current partner quit long before dating me, and has no urge to go back to it.
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I’m with you 110%!
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The amount of young people (30 and below in particular) who smoke shock me …addiction is not an excuse for them because they were taught about this in school, yet they still do it… and it really isn’t cool anymore, so why young people WHY?
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Plus, it tastes like kissing an arse. Would never date a smoker or more importantly perhaps, a heavy drinker. Grew up with one. Never going to subject myself to that again.
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Unemployment wouldn’t bother me because it can be tough to get a job at the moment. Education is important to me. It shows they care about the future and bettering themselves. Although if a guy had a minimum wage job but loved it and wasn’t materialistic I would respect that too. It’s the guys who do nothing with their life and bitch and whine and make false plans that drive me crazy!
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When I met my partner he was unemployed. It didn’t worry me as he was looking really hard for full-time employment and working as many casual hours as the temp agency could throw his way. He found a full-time job about 3-4 months after we started going out and three and a bit years later we have a house in the burbs, cats and a really nice life.
At the time one of my friends said she would never have agreed to a second date if it was her because of the lack of job.
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LOL….wearing Crocs right now. I’m at home and they’re bloody comfortable.
Penny Wong = saw her pushing the pram AND a grocery trolley at Central Markets a few weeks ago. Personally, I think she is bloody amazing. Hubby didn’t know who she was, but then again he doesn’t care for politics.
Unemployment issue = when I first met now husband he was unemployed (but not necessarily unemployable).
He had been working for his Dad for 5 years with whom he did his apprenticeship. He had enough and was trying to ‘find’ himself at 20 years old! He did some other jobs and got into restoring cars as a hobby, but evenutually went back to his trade, because he is really, really good at it.
So yeah, when I met him he was on the dole, but that didn’t sway me. Initially, I was taken back when I found out because I was working full-time. But, it was just a phase he was going through. We didn’t start living together until he had a job though.
There is a big difference to being unemployed AND unemployable.
P.S. He can’t dance either
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