Matt Damon and his lovely wife Luciana, who was a waitress when they met
When I turned 25 I decided to devote the rest of my twenties to being a star writer struggling freelancer. Having spent my first few years after university in a corporate setting, I at least looked the part of a successful young woman (evidenced mainly by my pencil skirts and laptop bag).
After I made the switch to impoverished creativity, any notion that I was a professional went out the window and the gulf between my long-term boyfriend’s success and my own became glaringly clear.
He’s the CEO of his own mid-sized online startup. He started a company and grew it to what it is today. He did this through natural brilliance and an insane amount of hard work. I admire the hell out of him and would never detract from his well-deserved triumph but really, living with that day and night starts to screw you up a bit.
Having never harboured Mad Men fantasies (beyond liking pencil skirts), this knowledge began to eat away at my self-esteem and slowly warped my idea of what I should be striving for.
Instead of coming up with articles that I felt passionate about I began to trawl the most prestigious titles out there, devising ways to get myself published in them, regardless of what it took and what I had to write. Seeing my name in print in these publications would validate me as a writer. I’d be known in my own right, not just as the lovely partner of The Successful Entrepreneur.
To be clear, he never lauds over me with his ridiculous success and is my number one champion and all the rest. But his blockbuster career is still there in front of me, quietly brushing its slightly whiter teeth next to my sink every night.
The logical thing to do would be to simply let it go and accept three very important arguments:
1. He’s a bit older
2. We’re working in two very different industries
3. It’s quite possible that as a freelance writer I’ll never feel successful so I should probably just get used to this feeling of professional insecurity now
But really, I’m human and most of the time I can’t accept logic when it comes up against my own vulnerabilities.
So, instead, I’ve developed two very curious habits that allow me to reassure myself and maintain somewhat of a well-adjusted approach to both my relationship and my career:
1. Career porn
Yes, that’s right, I have become addicted to career porn. Each day I secretly (and sometimes even in public when my need gets bad enough) read stories about writers who have really inspiring lives. Scratch that, not just writers, women who speak and teach and run companies and present and write and mentor and do all manner of things that combine to form a really awesome career. I’m looking at you Sheryl Sandberg, Lauren Bush, Patty Sellers and Hanna Rosin. You’re my dirty little secret.
2. The search for the anti-trophy wife
I have also fallen into the habit of trawling the Internet for those hidden stories of wives and partners of successful men (which, btw, are not easy to find. Laurene Powell Jobs, wife of Steve, only has 200 measly words to her name in Wikipedialand, despite her MBA from Stamford and the massive role she plays in women’s human rights organisations).
So that’s it. That’s my coping strategy. That and hard work (but whatever). Are these immature ways of dealing?
Marina is a twenty something freelance food and lifestyle writer living in Sydney. Her writing has appeared online at Women’s Weekly, ninemsn and Sydney Morning Herald. She’s currently working her way up to features.
Have you had to deal with a more successful partner? How did you do it?
Comments
86 Comments so far
Marina, from reading this article you seem like a strong writer so you shouldn’t hold yourself up to the standards of your bf’s success because your success is simply defined in a different way.
Likewise to Anonymous below… hello?! You’re in the medical field AND raising kids! Regardless of how many papers your hubby writes or how much money he earns you’re still a success in your own way ’cause no one can put a price or write an academic paper about your family.
Marina, I get where you’re coming from with the anti-trophy wife thing. Women should choose to make their own successes in the world whether that be in regards to education, career or family but comparing ourselves to other people 24/7 probably detracts from what we have already achieved but yeah, it probably sucks for women like Michelle Obama and Therese Rein who are perceived to be in ‘their husbands shadows’.
Annyway, it probably comes down to measuring success by money… it’s ain’t all that!
loading...
I’m often jealous of my partner. He does the same type of work I do but due to choosing a more lucrative part of medicine, earns double what I do for half as much effort!! Plus he has a research career that doesn’t suffer from the kids. I inevitably manage them, because I’m home a tiny bit earlier. But the fact that he is more single minded, can concentrate on writing a paper even in a roomful of kids, and always puts his work first unless its pointed out to him, means he tends to achieve more in the research world than I do. But I’m a good 5-10 years ahead in the clinical world (although paid less!!) and have the joy of part time work and the chance to spend time with my kids. When I remind myself of that, and him, we can manage the tensions. But am I jealous of his bigger income and more research time for less work? Hell yes.
loading...
Hello I didn’t realise this article was about me?!
Same as everyone else posting I spose. Early on we earned comparable wages, he earned slightly more purely due to industry – mine not for profit, his corporate, but I had other benefits such as a car etc.
Fast forward 10 years. His pay rises are my annual salary and his bonus last year had a 2 in the front and 5zeros after it….
But I get the joy of hanging out with my children all the time, we have the financial stability to afford us freedom of choice and in time I hope to significantly contribute (financially).
But he really truelyrulley couldn’t be where he is without me and I know he values my work in the home.
Dems the breaks but we’re happy and it works.
loading...
I think I’m one of the few people who understood where the author is coming from. My husband makes most of the money at the moment (I’m studying a PhD.) Being unable to contribute to bills or rent makes me feel like I’m a burden. It’s a big dent to my pride. And no, washing dishes and vaccuuming doesn’t make me feel more valuable – it’s feels like something I have to do as a penance for being poor. (He never suggests this, it’s just how I feel within myself). I can’t wait to be back in full-time work and financially independent. I never spend his money on clothes or things for myself, it would make me feel terrible.
loading...
I understand completely. My husband genuinely doesn’t care that I earn 1/3 what he does – he’s in IT, I’m in publishing – enough said …
But I have a sneaking feeling sometimes that my career report card reads ‘Could do better’. Ah, well, luckily for me it is a bit of a FWP – no- one’s starving at our place.
loading...
My husband is a corporate solicitor for a building society and regularly goes out for power lunches and important meetings. I am a social worker (not for DOCS!) and regularly get spat on and sworn at, with the occasional punch, in the course of my work.
He earns good money. My wages are beyond crap.
He leaves work and forgets about it. I often get phone calls at 2am asking me to fix something right now.
He wears a suit. I wear jeans and an old T-shirt.
The plus side?He reads boring boring documents all day. I get to actually help people change their lives for the better.
He hates his job. I love mine.
loading...
Bless you for doing the important work that keeps society together.
loading...
I have a husband waaaay more successful than me. However, when we met we were on a pretty even platform. I was big in media, he was pretty damn good at what he did. Back then our incomes were comparable. We got married, decided to have a family and the agreement was that he would be the breadwinner and I would be the mother! (Seriously, we discussed and agreed on this!) Old fashioned/traditional, whatever. Anyway, now he is wildly successful (helped by my support!) and I am the keeper of the home. I made breakfast for the family, lunch for him as his getaway from his frenetic work life and I make a great dinner too. I look after him and the kids and he looks after us. I could berate myself from here to eternity about our differences in income if I chose to, but I don’t, because it was a choice we made together. Honestly, we couldn’t have the life we have together now had we not made this agreement. It works for us! Oh, and though don’t attempt to be, I sorta have become the trophy wife. I can afford all the good stuff – I could before too, but now it’s from one inflated income rather than from two good ones.
loading...
My story is similar to yours.
My husband would not be able to be as succesful in his career if I was still in mine as well. When we had children our income was pretty much the same, we sat down and decided it was important to both of us that our kids had one parent at home with them. He loved what he did and had huge potential to grow his career without having to work stupid hours. Whereas I really didnt love mine and to get ahead in my industry involved ridiculous hours which simply would not be compatible with running a family the way I wanted my children to grow up.
So it was a no brainer that I left work. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner, I run the home and I look after our children. School holidays, when they’re sick, pupil free days are no stress for my husband because I am here to do that. There are no fights over who has to leave work early to do the soccer run or the party drop off because I chose to be available for all of that. And that helps him be totally focused on what he loves and what supports our family.
loading...
Your answer is the same as mine, but so much better written, with the real detail that we live with ie sick days, headlice!, school holidays etc. And I get to do tuckshop too which delights my children. Thank you!
loading...
I can honestly say I’d struggle a lot if Big Fella earned more than me or was more senior than me. I don’t know if that is because for the last 10 years it hasn’t been like that or if I’m just a horrible person lol.
He is far smarter than me and prefers ‘hands on’ work. So whilst we started not to far apart, it makes him happy to keep doing what he does and it makes me happy to climb the ladder into management, then the executive level. That doesn’t interest him at all, so it would be a big change for me if he changed direction. A change that like all the others we’ve done (kids etc) we’d figure out, but it would spin me out at first for sure.
Working in the same industry makes it more obvious who is ‘on top’ I think.
loading...
As a few people have already said, this all depends on how you measure success. I think I probably used to measure it in terms of progress up the career ladder, but I’m well over that now. The other thing that success is not (again, depending on how you measure it) is a competition – especially within a relationship.
If you think of success as making a contribution, it casts a different light on everything.
loading...
I think I am one of the few who can relate to this. I would prefer to be the main breadwinner of the relationship- my career is one of the most important things in the world to me.
loading...
In my 20′s I associated success very much with my career and company car park. I think I talked about work just a little too much and became quite obsessed with what the next step would be. I can’t remember ever feeling like it was a competition with my husband, I think I just wanted him to do really well.
When I was 31 we moved out of Australia and I was 5 months pregnant and desperately trying to meet new people and make some new friends. I really struggled with not having a career in my introduction or a business card with a title and suddenly had to think about who I was without any of that. It was the best thing that happened to me.
It appears that you and your partner are going to have very different successes as you have chosen very different career paths. Freelance writing can be incredibly soul destroying but at the same time I’m sure clicking on mamamia today and seeing your piece was fantastic.
When it comes to Laurene Powell Jobs, (did you mean Stanford?) I believe she is an intensely private person and would possibly be very happy to have a low profile in the press. She has done some incredible work in her own right and by all accounts is a pretty fabulous mother.
I guess my point is that you may find success comes in all different forms in your life. My biggest success this week:
I wrote another chapter to give to my agent.
I remembered to put the lunch money form in (I forget to do this regularly)
I watched my second child’s basketball team win a tournament – this wasn’t the success – the success was I then watched my other 3 children run on to the court and jump all over her. The fact that they genuinely like each other is perhaps my biggest success so far.
Good luck with the writing, by the looks of the things you’re doing a great job.
loading...
Wow Kirsty I had no idea you were writing a book! Can’t wait to read it
I really enjoyed reading this piece too as I struggle with my own freelance writing and staying motivated.
loading...
I have read some of the comments, but not all, and what strikes me is the question of how we define success.
On paper, my husband is much more successful. He has a good career, makes good money and has achieved a lot in a relatively short amount of time. I, on the other hand, am a SAHM, who works part-time from home. My income is good in its context, but cannot compete with my husbands.
However, I LOVE my job and have so much more job satisfaction than my husband does. We have both made choices that have led us to where we are today, but I am the one who feels blessed every day for the life I have. My husband deals with stresses and issues that are not a part of my daily life, and although he mostly enjoys his job, we constantly have to find ways to help him find balance.
We are a team, so we are in it together, but I have found that while I can share his stress and try and help him through the busy days, weeks and months, it is much harder for him to share my contentedness. He doesn’t want to leave his job, he knows that he has to take the bad parts along with the parts he just loves, but I think he would be the last person to say that he was more successful than I am.
loading...
A degree from “Stamford” … in Bangladesh? Surely Laurene Powell obtained her MBA from Stanford, in Palo Alto, California.
loading...
With my first boyfriend he was always jealous if he perceived I was ‘better’ in any way – better uni marks, better job, earning more once I got work, having it ‘together’, looks. I felt that I was to still be ‘good’ (heaven forbid I seem not good enough for him in front of his friends) but not as good as him, lest his ego be damaged. There are some people like that, be aware of people who a) drag down your accomplishments or b) lord theirs over you and make you feel lesser.
With my current partner he is older than me and very successful and I will never match him in income. I’m fine with that. I’m confident in myself that I have worth, and that he knows that too. Worth isn’t just about income, your partner can earn big bucks but you can also be good at many things outside of career.
Sometimes it’s also just a reality that two people cannot both have high powered careers. It’s not impossible, many do it, but my partner travels a lot and works long hours, if I chose to do that too then we would never see each other. I am interested in having a fulfilling but moderate career and excelling in more flexible areas of life.
loading...
Why on earth would I complain about money? Money doesn’t buy me happiness, or love, or support. My husband and I were both broke students when we met. We managed to scrape by with little dollars, but plenty of laughs.
Fast forward six years, and hubby has completed one year in his dream job as a cop. I worked to support us and our son while he pursued this career as have never seen him so happy, or so fulfilled. The day he graduated, he made twice my income and I didn’t care – I still don’t. And now, it’s my turn, I’ve cut to working part time while I complete studies for my own dream job. And money is no concern for either of us, because we made it work while we were broke, and we’re not afraid of having to do it again!
loading...
I’m in the reverse situation with my husband. He owns and runs his own small landscaping business and clears about $25K per year; last year I earned over $100K in an office management role. But to measure and compare our worth and overall contribution to the relationship in terms of simply our earnings would be short-sighted and doesn’t represent the value we each represent. Ok, so my salary pays the vast majority of the bills – but that’s it. While I’m stuck at the office every day (and exhausted by the time I get home), he takes care of everything around the house. He only works within 10 minutes of home most days, comes home at lunchtime and vacuums/does the washing/looks after our pets/mows the lawn/etc. If not for this, we’d have to hire cleaners and gardeners – which sort of negates earning the big bucks. I’m so grateful for everything he does as it allows me to pursue my career without worrying about the state of our house. And I’m sure if the roles were reversed, he’d have the exact same attitude.
loading...
My husband loves what he does and is very good at it. He could not possibly have the same level of success if I wasnt able to support him.
loading...
When I got my present job (about 2 months ago), I do think it got my partner down that it seemed so much better than his situation in many ways. I had to say to him (at least once): “Something that benefits me benefits you too. This doesn’t make you worse off at all.”
It’s hard when you want similar things to what that person is getting, but comparison is often the quickest way to make ourselves feel dissatisfied. If you’re really a team, what benefits one person will improve the lives of both.
loading...
I think my partner’s successful because she’s already retired and I’m still working…
loading...
My problem goes the other way. I am a young corporate lawyer, earn a stack and work my ass off because it is what I love – the amazing salary is just a bonus. My current and past boyfriends have all had problems with the fact that (for now at least) I earn a lot more than them. It’s like they can’t see that the reason I am where I am is because I have worked hard, never partied and stated focused on what is really important to me – the law. Somehow the apparent threat to their sense of masculinity blinds them to the fact that life is not a competition.
loading...
Lawyers are so common nowadays, they’d better get over their complex!
loading...
Marina, I am in a similar situation to you. My partner is very successful, has his own company and makes more money than I can ever hope to make but I don’t feel jealous of his success in the slightest nor could I ever imagine feeling this way. I am proud of him, I love that he is so intelligent and successful and realise how lucky I am to be with someone who does well financially therefore removing a lot of my financial problems.
Like him, I am highly educated and have a career of my own but it’s one that doesn’t reward me with big bucks (public health) and that’s okay as that was never my priorioty.
I really find it difficult to understand that someone can be jealous of their partner’s success and need ways to cope with it. It just sounds really immature. Or perhaps your self esteem needs to be worked on? I would imagine that anyone in your position would be grateful and be thanking their lucky stars.
loading...
I like to think of my husband and I as being complementary.
We’ve achieved vastly different things in life – things that can’t always be measured in terms of salaries or prestige.
And ultimately we both know that what one of us achieves, both of us achieve. Neither of us could do what we do without the love, support, and respect of the other.
loading...
This is an odd article and one that for some reason, just doesn’t quite sit right with me.
I don’t feel this way about my partner nor would I ever because aren’t we a team? Isn’t it about what we bring to the table as a couple? Whilst my partner currently out earns me, I bring more to the relationship in other areas and I am just generally ‘better’ than him in some areas and vice versa. Isn’t that what being in a relationship is about?
It also seems a tad self indulgent that you are taking advantage of your partner’s income, in that it allows you to freelance without being starving but then you are complaining about it. I don’t mean to sound rude, but that is how it comes across in the article.
loading...
I completely agree aleced, my husband earns a big salary and up until recently I have been pretty much a SAHM for 8 years. I love being in the support role, he travels a lot with his work and everything would fall apart if I wasn’t playing a suport role and keeping the home life running smoothly for the children. It’s never occurred to me to be anything other than thrilled that he works in an industry he loves and earns lot of money which certainly makes life very comfortable for us. I also now work part time which I really enjoy, but I work school hours which is great.
I’m proud of my husband for his successes, and it doesn’t make me feel any less because he is so successful. We are a team and bring different things to the relationship and family structure. Weird article, don’t get it at all.
loading...
I’m in the same boat as you. My husband earns a lot but also travels a lot. I’m a SAHM who plays the supporting role and love it. One day I will return to work but in the mean time I’m going to enjoy supporting my husband and keeping the home life running smoothly. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m proud of my husband and can’t understand people who would be jealous of their partners.
We enjoy quite a comfortable life and I am grateful for that. If I were to go to work now it would just bring unwanted stress to the family. I’m fortunate to be able to be a SAHM for now and I’m not going to complain about it.
loading...
hmmm, nope. I used to out earn my partner, then he got a new job and I went off to have a baby and of course now he out earns me big time. Can honestly say I have never felt competitive about it. The more he earns, the easier our life becomes. End of story. We are at a different stage in life though I guess and I’m not really focused on my career right now.
loading...
Depends on how you define ‘way more successful’. This whole idea that money or fame constitute success is an all too common furphy imo.
Many times research has concluded that the happiest people are infact the middle of the road types, with good balance in their lives, not hung up on comparing themselves to others but with enough money to not go without the things that are important in life.
Those that yearn to be ‘equal’ to those they percieve to be at the top of the tree are most likely yearning to be like people that are often not happy in themselves despite all the trappings (not saying that your hubby is in this category Marina).
I think the whole definition of success needs a good shake up in our society, and our celebrity worship only seems to be underscoring more and more things that dont really matter.
Surely ‘happy and content’ are the quintessential measurements of success.
loading...
Well said, I was starting to feel distinctly middle of the road reading some of the comments (as far as income goes), but don’t actually feel poor. Hubby still out earns me, but I work part time, so it won’t always be that way.
Anyway, we’re actually happy and I don’t think I could be bothered to go chasing the big bucks.
loading...
Admittedly, I have the more sucessful career… My husband and I have discussed it sereval times and it is harder for him being the man – and not the main breadwinner. But… he is the most wonderful and supportive man in the world. I’ve been in relationships with more sucessful men and even though they chipped in financially, they didn’t provide the emotional support that my wonderful husband does. Each to their own I say.
loading...
I am rapt beyond belief that I have a more successful partner (financially successful, anyway). My husband works in IT, and has done very very well for himself. I give thanks for that every day, because it means I get to stay home 4 days/week and follow my passion- writing novels. (The fifth day I work as a psychologist in the public health system- despite me having three degrees and 12 years of university education, this barely keeps our family in groceries. It’s not right (just as it isn’t for nurses and teachers), but that’s another post).
I make a bit of money from my books, but nothing- NOTHING- like what I could earn if I dedicated myself to private practice. But I don’t want to. My husband keeps our family well looked after and lets me instead pursue my dreams. Cope with his success? I am ludicrously grateful for it.
loading...
I’m a bit in the same boat… studying psych and LOVING it. I doubt I’ll ever earn much from it (want to work PT in schools) but my husband doesn’t care. He’s happy to work FT while I get to be at home with the kids, study for years (6 to go), and eventually work for peanuts. I know exactly how fortunate that makes me
loading...
Whew! I’m rapt that you’re rapt with your husband’s success … I just finished reading Last Summer and went straight out and bought After The Fall to reread.
Oh re nurses and teachers … I have passed up promotions (if that’s what you want to call them but really, promotions to what?) to stay on the bottom rungs of the career ladder so I could be with the patients I really enjoy being with. My study is leading me elsewhere at present and I’m working on a way to be with patients and at the top … it could just work and fingers crossed so far… the career ladder in nursing is a strange ricketty structure anyway
loading...
Susan please, please please find a way to administration. You sound so competent, and you actually like your patients! We need more people like you running hospitals!
loading...
Thank you hannah … administration seems to be where I am heading after all this time which is a big surprise for me … hopefully I will see you there too!
loading...
Susan, thanks so much for your comment. I showed my husband to prove that it IS all worthwhile
(Not that he ever complains- just me feeling the need to justify it occasionally.)
As for health admin- go for it! I’ve also turned down opportunities to get into management, purely b/c in the bit of psych I do I want to be with patients, not spreadsheets…. but we NEED people like you in admin to make better policies and set better direction for healthworkers, people who care about the clinical aspects of the job as much as the financial. Good luck. xx
loading...
Your writing is amazing Kylie… I hope to have a fiction book published like you one day. xxx
loading...
Thanks for your encouragement Kylie and I have taken it on board. It’s heartwarming to have other MM readers offer support to each other.
I, too, showed your response to someone in my family. My daughter is starting her very first prac in nursing next week and is as excited as she was on her first day of school. She and I both love reading your novels and rereading them too. They are standouts in our home library for the gentle and perceptive way they really “see” the people in them which makes your writing strong, powerful and deeply moving. We both thank your husband for making it possible xo
PS I hope we can all remain as excited as my daughter is about our work. Everyone wins.
loading...
Now you’ve made me teary! Good luck to your daughter. Doctors make my referrals, but nurses are always the ones I turn to to get the real story
loading...
My husband earns almost double what I do and has a very successful career that is progressing quickly. I really enjoy my job but working in the non-profit sector, I’m never going to even nearly match his earnings.
I can honestly say this doesn’t bother me. He works so hard and has achieved so much and I’m really proud of him for that. He never ever lauds it over me that he earns more than I do (even though I spend wayyy more than he does). I just feel lucky that I’m with someone that’s so successful that it allows me to enjoy a career that is never going to be terribly lucrative.
If there was one thing I could change it would be that he didn’t work as much, but you have to take the good with the bad sometimes..
loading...
This might not be a popular suggestion. But maybe think about the fact that his financial success means that you can concentrate on creative success and not live in poverty in the mean time.
Better than you both being struggling artists…
loading...
Hmmm, I understand what you mean by career porn. I have often felt intimated, inspired and envious of other women’s career success — all of who I greatly admire and wondered why I haven’t quite achieved those heights yet…
I call myself a freelance writer, too (among other things), but I certainly don’t envy or feel the need to compare myself to my partner (same age) who is a successful and respected photojournalist. He’s worked incredibly hard and has carved out a good career for himself in a competitive field, which I admire, but it’s like comparing proverbial pieces of lunchbox fruit. Plus, his success means I don’t have to work at desk job I hate full time (only have to do it part time) which means I’ve got more time to devote to my writing and study.
I think this post is more about feelings of inadequacy, which I can most certainly relate to, but as I’ve gotten older and looked very carefully at women (friends mostly) who are content with whatever they’ve achieved career-wise, family-wise etc., it isn’t necessarily what they’ve done or achieved that’s made them happy, but the fact that they’re just happy with who they are as a person — which is something I’ve tried to take on board myself to be happier with my place in the scheme of thing.
loading...
Gosh. Maybe it’s because I’m not really a competitive person, maybe it’s because I’m not career driven, but I can’t imagine ever being jealous of Husband or competing with him.
He’s smarter, funnier, more successful, gives better advice, wiser, kinder, more charismatic, stronger (physically, mentally, emotionally), has the ability to command any room and the ability to stand up for himself and others.
I am a better person because of who he is and who I am when I am with him.
loading...
What lovely things you say about your husband but it’s my bet he’d say similar things about you in return.
loading...
Just out of curiosity Miss T, what do you think you bring to the relationship or are ‘better’ at than your husband?
loading...
As I said on Twitter, I was really torn on how to answer this. Were you implying I don’t bring anything? I know you weren’t (you told me) but my first reaction was one of concern. What if I bring nothing? Oh noes!!
Well, his mum says I’m a good influence. So I bring that. And he says he’s happy, so I bring that. I manage all our money, so I bring that.
But just quietly, sometimes I do wonder why on earth he chose me!
loading...
I’m so mortified that it came across as critical because that wasn’t at all my intention.
I just think women are often guilty of not being able to recognise and articulate their strengths and what they bring (in work and relationships). I asked the question because I was genuinely curious as to what you think you add because there are obviously things you bring to the relationship because he wouldn’t have chosen you otherwise. I also think its important that women recognise their strengths.
I’m just feeling all about the sisterhood today lol.
P.S. I think you should ask your husband what you bring, he will probably come up with a list as long as yours
loading...
I agree – Miss T, you should ask him!
I don’t really know you but from where I sit you have many strengths, which I’m sure you bring to the relationship in some form or another. You write well, give fabulous advice, are caring, have good taste, are thoughtful, articulate…
loading...
He married me for one very good reason: He loves me
loading...
I am so looking forward to meeting your husband (Mr T?) over Christmas/New Year…he must be pretty amazing, because I think a lot us would say the same things about you that you just said about P.
loading...
Thanks JJ! I’m looking forward to your meeting him too.
He is amazing, well, I think so and I’m biased
loading...
I am in a similar situation, working freelance while my husband has a good job and a clear career. Whilst he does support me financially and emotionally most of the time, when we do fight he always brings up how little I contribute financially to our lives and how unfair it is that I “sleep all day” (which I don’t, I work hard and dare I say harder than he does because I have to always try to bring in new work and my work never ends it can be 24/7 sometimes, whereas he just does his thing and leaves the office at exactly 5.30pm every day). Anyway it is a never ending issue in our household, he doesn’t understand that sometimes I don’t know the exact day a client is going to pay me, that sometimes I have to do some work for free to get my name out there, that sometimes I have to work all weekend….ok he doesn’t understand it at all it seems. Yet he is proud of my achievements and he moved cities for me to advance my career (which ended up advancing his more than mine, go figure). At least your partner is more supportive of what you do.
loading...
This article seems rather odd to me… it sounds as though whenever your partner has some kind of career success you groan and head to blog sites…
Perhaps you should add to your coping strategies – spending less time comparing your career to others and more time working on your career and celebrating your own successes – like getting published on Mamamia for example? (Congrats by the way, I’d be stoked!)
I also definately think you should stop refering to your partner’s success as something you have to ‘cope’ with. Sounds awfully self indulgent.
Maybe I’ve missed the humour of this article and am giving out unsolicited and unwelcome comments here, but the heading headline grabbed me and just doesn’t sit right with me.
loading...
Is it just me or was his article upsetting to anyone else?
loading...
upsetting isn’t the word I would use, but it certainly has agitated me… maybe we haven’t gotten the joke?
loading...
Hmmm..she’s with a hard-working, loving, supportive (and loaded) man , and has the freedom to pursue her dream career …. and she complains. What is wrong with this picture ?
loading...
I thought the same thing?
I think alot of people would like this situation, she calls it a problem, sorry but I don’t see it that way, just plain jealous.
loading...
One word for people with a more successful partner ….. $$ KA-CHING $$ !!
loading...
Ahhhh….so timely for me. When we first met and fell in love, I was earning more and shortly after, I was promoted and loving my job while he remained miserable and under-appreciated in his for the next 4 years.
This week he starts his dream job and I can see that this will change things – his starting salary now eclipses mine and I have a feeling he’s started on a trajectory that will mean possible relocation of our family in the future….is it terrible and anti-feminist of me that I am really looking forward to taking a bit of a backseat, career-wise, and enjoying the fact that he is now happy and fulfilled in his career while the sheen is wearing off of mine? Perhaps I’m romanticising SAHMotherhood, but I can’t wait for it and feel like if i can be successful at that, it’ll feel better than anything I’ve achieved in my career.
Or, am I going to feel depressed in a few years’ time about becoming a kind of Stepford Wife? Especially if, god forbid, things don’t work out and I end up having to completely fend for myself again?
loading...
It’s the eternal dilemma isn’t it? I guess only time will tell for you.
loading...
It isn’t “anti-feminist” to desire something other than a successful career that is ultimately based on what suits most men! (ie the typical man can slog away at a career and have it nicely progress in good time … women on the other hand need time out if they want babies which tends to make the career trajectory jerky and full of setbacks…)
I have no doubt that you’ll do the SAHM thing for a while and find it totally satisfying, enlightening and empowering. Then you’ll possibly want to mix it up with work outside the home and that will be great too!
Because that’s the essence of feminism. Being able to choose what you do with your life and being rid of structural constraints in society that might hinder your progress. You can absolutely be a Stepford-feminist. Many women feel called to be homemakers, and that choice takes no less intelligence or courage than to be a corporate Superwoman.
So go, be free, have a fantastic life
loading...
I love yoooooo xxx
loading...
Bahahaha you too hon! xo
loading...
My husband is extremely successful in his work, and I am also a freelance writer. My coping strategies are (in list form, because who doesn’t love a list?):
1. Being grateful. I couldn’t even be a freelance writer without his financial support, I would have to work full time (which I did before, while looking after our children, and it was hell).
2. Joking about it. I cheerfully call myself a Stepford wife (even dubbing my car a StepFord) and buying ironic aprons.
3. Not being competitive, because what we do for a living has nothing to do with our relationship.
loading...
Well said! I’m not married but I also don’t understand this article at all. No one will ever earn exactly the same as their partner. Make it work, enjoy doing what you love and forget about the money. As long as someone is able to earn money and you don’t have to drink dirty water and sleep under a tree who cares?
loading...
Next time it gets you down try spending some of his money!
loading...
Marina, I know how you feel in a slightly different way!
Mr Whippersnapper is a lawyer and so am I. He is a fantastic lawyer and absolutely LOVES his job, he is so smart and so good at it – I admire him so much, he is such a high achiever and I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else. He gets it right with his “work/life” balance too, and still is a screaming success!
On the other hand….it is hard, because I do not love it the way he does. I *do* like the job I have, but ever since I read Lisa Pryor’s Pin Striped Prison (in my last year of uni – great idea), I just cannot shake the feeling that I might be destined for something else.
When you see your partner in the same profession kicking goals and loving it (and subsequently, earning more) in the exact same career, it can be a little hard, and sometimes, a little bit depressing!
loading...
Oh, I know how you feel … Hubby and I met at a big commercial law firm and while he loved his job I was merely going through the motions – hence he kicked (and continues to kick) massive goals, while I just chugged along, getting more bored and miserable by the day.
About 2 years ago (after 5 years at the firm) he encouraged / pushed me to resign and pursue a career I was interested in – I’ve since moved across to criminal law and will eventually be making my way to the bar. I’m kicking my own goals now and it feels great.
I’ve been incredibly lucky that my hubby was willing and able to support me in this move (including financially when my salary was halved by the move), but he consistently maintains that it was absolutely worth it, for my happiness and subsequently both our health and marriage.
Try and find your own path where you’ll be inspired and happy yourself – success and fulfilment can only follow from that!
loading...
Thanks for your comment Kate! I love reading comments like yours
loading...
Hi Kate… I am in a similar situation to you re being in a commercial firm and just going through the motions. I have a good job, well paid, good hours (hard to come by in a law firm) and I like the people I work with but I just don’t love the actual work! I have been thinking about trying criminal out for awhile now and I was just wondering what steps you took, what experience you had to have and how you got yourself out there and positioned your job change? I wish I had the financial freedom but my partner is a photographer …
loading...
Oh, I’ve heard that book is fantastic! My school Business teacher recommended it to me ages ago and I never got around to reading it.. Thank you for reminding me
I’m so glad I’ll never be part of the corporate world, how brave of you.
loading...
Are these immature ways of dealing? Yes, possibly. But at least you are aware that your self-esteem is affected by your boyfriend’s success and you’re trying to deal with it. Perhaps you’d be better setting some specific, career-related goals for yourself and slowly but surely work towards them.
I also find that men, even if they are racked by self-doubt in their careers, don’t focus or talk about this as much as women. I used to moan and moan and analyse each and every work day, meeting, interaction, decision, etc, yet my husband quietly (and very successfully) just got on with it. When I finally left that job, he said to me, “thank goodness, you were becoming unbearable. I much prefer you now that you’re happier and not whinging all the time.” I had no idea I’d been such a Debbie Downer.
So my advice: rely on your partner for support in your greater career goals but don’t get bogged down in the minutiae of your daily work life. You’ll have a better relationship with your boyfriend and a less toxic attitude to your work. And be kind to yourself: don’t let your competitive nature riddle you with insecurities. You can only be yourself. Enjoy it.
loading...
I’m not sure why you feel it is a competition?
If you constantly compare yourself to others you will never be happy as there will always be someone out there who is more successful, has more money, is prettier, younger blah blah blah. Life will be full of disappointment for you.
loading...
I don’t really understand how those coping strategies are helping –
The first one – are you inspired/aspiring or are you just comparing and finding yourself falling short?
The second one – I don’t even understand the concept.
I felt this massively when I left my job to follow my husband around the world as an expat – maybe you should talk to expat wives. They know how you feel, and maybe worse because they have put their man before their own careers.
What I did as an expat ‘wife’ *ugh* was to build up my own career – which I guess is what you are trying to do….just work on yourself…that’s all I can suggest.
loading...
I feel sad for you that you feel that way (and I don’t mean that in a patronising way at ALL). I’m in the same position in that my husband is incredibly successful in his field, due to immense talent and insanely hard work. But I am SO proud of him and have never felt jealous or threatened in the slightest. I love that he is high achieving – I honestly couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t a high achiever. I don’t really know what to suggest except that I don’t think the way you feel has anything to do with your partner, but rather how you feel about yourself. Sounds like you’ve already achieved a great deal. Maybe start focusing more on all you have achieved instead of what you haven’t and stop comparing yourself to others out there? As a very wise person once said, there will always be people greater and lesser than yourself. x
loading...
Well said Kerri.
loading...
You have drive and that’s all that matters. I believe it takes something internal and something external to succeed. Your drive seems to come from an internal desire to achieve and an external (albeit seemingly irrational!) pressure of your successful partner. This is a great recipe for success. Sounds to me like you’re on the right track…..just remember to take a step back every few months, isolate yourself and your story and realise your achievements. Success is not a relative measure, it’s about kicking a goal you set for yourself.
loading...
I am the primary earner and I wish it was the other way round! I left a job I loved for a higher paying, less fulfilling one, because I could and we needed the money- but my partner is in a career rut and is stuck in a low-paying role. I will have to go back to work as soon as we have children, but if the situation was reversed we might have more options.
loading...
Coping? I wish I’d had to cope with a more successful partner. Try being the more successful one (and primary money earner) and a woman too. A big imbalance in ‘success’ is not much fun from either side of the fence. The only advice I have is to believe in yourself and define success in as many different ways as you can and def. not by how many words are written about you in wikipedia.
loading...
Interesting post.
I’m in a different situation altogether, opposite in-fact!
My husband does, and always has, earnt much more $$$ than I. When we first met it was marginal but it increased with every year and now, after almost 10 years of marriage it is the thing that may well tear us apart. He “allowed” me to indulge myself with a career change from the corporate to creative sector (yep, you guessed it – freelance writing). I had no confidence and it took a few years for me to really get things up and running – he supported me. All this time we were trying to have kids and that was proving tricky so off we went to IVF (six times, one miscarriage and thank my lucky stars every day and night two perfect children now just 3 and 6 months). Unfortunately now he resents me not earning much, he feels (perhaps because we have 2 kids and he is the big breadwinner) that there is too much pressure on him and he, despite having very young children and already working part-time, now makes me feel inadequate for not earning an annual 3 figure sum. I, on the other hand, can’t tear myself away from my heard earnt kids and feel my confidence has taken such a battering it would take a while for me to get back on my feet (well in the way he wants me to). I also realise there is something very wrong with this situation and the overemphasis on $$ = success. I see myself as very, very, very successful (and lucky) every time I look at either of my 2 kids, the fact he can’t see that makes me think we really are in vastly different places. Oh and the fact that his support and love is conditional to $ too. I would love my partner to be the way yours is, you really are lucky (not to say you are not entitled to your POV of course!)
Big dump there folks!
loading...
Hummm. I sorta feel like you might need to bite the bullet and get a job or ramp up your writing or something. The fact is that everyone has to earn their way in this world! It’s all very well for you to consider yourself successful while your husband carries the entire burden of supporting you and your family – seems bit selfish on your part I’m sorry to say.
Having a stay at home mum inthe family is a joint decision between both partners. Let’s face it, most of us would prefer not to work outside the home, but necessity means most of us have to.
You and you husband are meant to be a team. Time for you to pick up the bat sister.
loading...
Wow – that seems a bit harsh! Sounds like they had a deal, and now he doesn’t like his side of the deal anymore.
Not to mention condescending – “time for you to pick up the bat sister” – they have a 6 month old! You think he’s going to drop everything to become the primary caregiver while she “picks up the bat” of full-time paid work?
You’re right that everyone should pay their way, but right now it sounds like she is paying it – in running the household and looking after their kids, including a baby.
loading...