Have you ever stayed friends with a friend’s ex?
by KATE WALTHER
About 10 years ago I set my best friend Emma up with a guy named Thomas I knew from school. He’s a really sweet and gentle man that I am particularly fond of – someone that I thought would make her happy. It worked. Emma was happier than I’d ever seen her. They dated, fell in love, bought a house and four years later I was standing next to her in a sparkly purple dress as they said their ‘I do’s’.
Life was good. We had a standing Saturday night double date with two old friends with whom we had mutual interests. The boys loved beer and Em and I…well we got to gossip. We were one couple and a few oversized coffee mugs away from a trendy 90s sitcom.
And then one Sunday last year, in the middle of the night, I got the strangest phone call I’ve ever had. It still feels unreal.
“Tom’s left me. I don’t know what to do.” At first I thought it was a joke. They were married. They had a home and pets together. They were talking about having kids. I had seen them the day before. They were happy, or so I thought.
Turned out Emma had thought the same thing. She hadn’t seen it coming – she honestly thought they were in a good place. His leaving has destroyed her. She’s lost her husband, her future family and more recently her home. She is completely unable to trust people and struggling to get herself ‘out there’ again. My heart absolutely breaks for her, and we’ve had many discussions about why he would do this and how she is going to pick up the pieces. In 12 months she’s gone from being on the brink of having everything she’s ever wanted to feeling completely alone and hopeless.
Tom pretty much fell off the earth after he left Em. I have barely seen or heard from him, save the odd response to Facebook messages and texts I send to check in on him. I hadn’t really had a conflict of interest, and was free to commiserate with her, which is pretty much the role of a best friend. And in a sense he had left me too, although I think his sudden absence may have been his way of protecting me from having to remain neutral.
Until.
Until one night my husband and I ran into Tom at our local pub. We had dinner. We chatted. It was just like it had been, and I was relieved. I have known this man more than half my life. I wasn’t ready to let go of such an old and trusted friend. I may not like what he did to Em, but he felt it was right, and he had his reasons. After all, it is really between them and short of being there for them both there’s nothing more I can do.
“I want to have my cake and eat it too.”
Unfortunately my best friend does not see it that way. She was angry I had dinner with him. She felt betrayed and hurt when I told her, and said to me “This is not going to be amicable. You will have to pick a side.” That was just before she stormed out of my house angrily and slammed the door.
In some ways I don’t blame her. She feels alone as it is and his presence in my life has left her feeling like one of her few lifelines is being slowly eroded. He hurt her so badly, and I’m not sure she’ll ever fully recover. But on the other hand, it was a year ago. Life does go on. And I’m not sure always blindly taking her side is the best thing I can do for her.
He had some valid reasons for leaving, there were no kids and no third party involved. He simply fell out of love. He may not have done things the way I would, but can I blame him for his feelings, any more than I could change my own? And does it help Emma to keep reliving the past, rather than encouraging her to focus on her future?
I love them both. Neither are perfect, (who is?), but unlike our family we choose our friends. We choose them, and love them, not despite their faults but because of them. Without all the nuances that make up their person they wouldn’t be…well, them. I want to choose them both. I want to invite them both to dinner parties and kids birthdays. On the odd occasion I have the opportunity to go out without the kids I want to enjoy both their company, although I don’t expect them to be friends with each other. Perhaps it’s naïve, but I don’t want to lose either of them. I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I know Emma and Tom will both be okay. I know both friendships are strong enough to survive and I hope with all my heart they do. In the meantime all I can do is be there for them in whichever way they need me. As for Emma’s assertion that I need to choose, I am hoping she will have a change of heart as she heals from this terrible loss and I won’t be forced to choose between two of my very favourite people. Now about that cake…
Kate Walther is a business owner, personal trainer, and now a stay at home mum to two cheeky monkeys, who just loves to write. You can usually find her building train tracks, playing fairies or eating chocolate ice cream.
Comments
31 Comments so far
I am currently seeing much more of a friend’s ex than I am of her. He’s simply better company, and there wasn’t a bad guy in their break up. She might resent it but she’s too polite to say so and I pretend it’s totally normal. It’s not. As the writer knows, there is a social prohibition against doing this. But we choose who we prefer anyway.
loading...
I have been in Emma’s position – the only difference being we had a child. I think for me, whilst I never asked any of my friends to choose, at the time it feels that if people saw my ex they were supporting his choices in abruptly ending our marraige and his treatment of our son.
However I have long since learnt that friends have the absolute best intentions of trying to remain good friends with both parties – but in time people naturally tend to gravitate towards one person after a while.
loading...
Honestly these things rarely come out of nowhere. My mother still insists my father asking for a divorce was a complete and utter shock but for literally years he’d been completely open about the fact that he wasn’t happy, that he didn’t things were working etc. and she just brushed him off every single time and never gave it a second thought.
Twice I’ve been accused of ending relationships “out of nowhere” and both times I couldn’t have been clearer about my unhappiness. We’d had many long talks in which I laid out my feelings and we discussed ending things. But some people just hear what they want to hear. For example both times the the guy mentioned kids and I said I didn’t want children. That became “but we were talking about starting a family”.
loading...
I went through this recently and it was very difficult and sad. I introduced my best friend from high school to my childhood male best friend at my 18th birthday and they were together for over 10 years.
My girlfriend actually left him for someone else who she has since married. She really is the happiest I have ever seen her which makes me very happy for her. I did feel a little sad on her wedding day as I always imagined celebrating the love of my two friends rather than just one and a new partner I only just met. I know that is terribly selfish.
I stayed in touch with her ex for a while. A few text messages, emails and facebook to make sure he was okay. Its been about two years now since they broke up and we’ve since gone our separate ways. I think he found it too hard to stay in touch as it brought up how he felt about her and how she left him. They always had their issues so I shouldn’t have been suprised but its still sucks a little as I loved them both. He was a link to my childhood and she is one of my best girlfriends. He de-friended me on facebook shortly before my girlfriends wedding, understandably.
Its sad and I miss him but I completely understand why he has distanced himself. Imagine how awful it would have felt seeing us all tagged in her wedding pics? I know he has a new partner and is happy. We still have friends in common and I always ask after him so I know he’s okay. If we saw each other on the street we would be fine, we just cant have the same relationship we had before.
I miss us all as a group (we went on lots of group holidays etc) but people and life moves on and you’ve just got to remember the good times with a smile.
loading...
a sad and difficult turn of events. it’s great that she is happily married though.
loading...
So your best and oldest friend has been devastated by her (relatively recent) divorce, despite it obviously hurting her you still want to be able to hang out with her ex and not only that but you want to be able to catch up with them both at the same time?
Really?
If you’re that desperate to stay friends with her ex then my advice would be to not tell her about it. Don’t rub her face in the fact that you can still spend time with the man she loves until she’s ready for it.
As for inviting them both to things… all I can say is that I’m just glad I’m not your friend. If I was expected to attend events with ANY of my exes you wouldn’t see much of me at all I’m afraid, they’re exes for a reason, you may not get that but maybe try and understand why your friends might.
loading...
I am in this situation right now. I was dumped in a pretty shocking way and it has completely ruined me. I hate that people I know speak to my ex. I feel that they should all be on my side, I should get all the friends in the break up as it was him who did this, broke my heart and embarrassed me. BUT I do realise that this is unrealistic, I can’t make everyone hate him because he hurt me but if I could I would.
loading...
When I was 18, I started dating a guy 10 years my senior. He was (and still is) the lovliest guy, and all my friends and family thought so too. After dating for four years, we (read: I) called it off because our different views on our relationship were getting in the way of us progressing. It was sad for us both, but it wasn’t working. Before calling it off, I had a very honest discussion with one of my best friends who clearly stated that she was my friend, and as much as she liked him, she was here for me. That was that. My other best friend (making us the three amigos) didn’t really comment about which side she was taking, but made it clear that she loved me and wanted me to be happy.
About 6 months later, I was talking to my mum and she mentioned that friend 2 was going to yoga with my ex. While I wasn’t angry about it, it definitely left me with an odd feeling. My ex wasn’t someone she knew prior to me dating him, so I assumed when we broke up that was it for them. They still hang out every now and then to this day (almost 2 years after the break up), and it still gives me an odd feeling. She has asked many times if I am OK with it, and deep down I am, because if I can still be friends with him, then why can’t she?
I guess you expect your friends to always take your side no matter what, but in the end, you can’t tell someone who they can and can’t be friends with, even if it does make you feel a little broken hearted.
loading...
We aren’t dealing with a divorce, but a wife who no one gets on with! And its so similar – but the couple are together!
The husband is one of my oldest friends and our closeknit group of friends is struggling to like and get along with his wife, whom he met and married within 6 months. The issues have arisen because she has taken a dislike to one of our friends within the group. At events which we all attend she has tried to make me choose her side against the other friend. Just after their wedding she rang to try and work out how to live with her own husband (as I’ve been friends with him for 15 years) and discussed intimate details of their lives which I know he would be horried about.
I’ve very clearly stated to her that I will not choose between my two friends (both male) becuase I’ve been friends with both for too long.
Its becoming messy and we’re not telling one friend when we’re talking to the other and feeling guilty if we have dinner with one and not the other.
But they’re still married!! Its doing our heads in!
loading...
I dont know how you could remain friends with someone who treats his wife like that. Leaving without any warning at all would have to be the most cruel and selfish thing a person can do.
If he had gone down the counselling path and worked on it with her and gave her a chance to deal with what was happening you could respect him, however his behaviour doesnt deserve respect.
I dont have anything to do with one of my bridesmaids any more over her treatment of her ex husband. She had affairs and then when she threw him out and divorce was looming, playing on his desire to win her back, she got him to agree to the most ridiculous financial settlement, where she basically left him pennyless. His only fault was loving her. I cant respect someone like that and have no desire to remain friends with her.
loading...
Stay friends with both.
loading...
When my marriage ended, a few of our friends remained our friends. It was a bad divorce involving children and although I wished that they would solely be my friends, I respected that they were not taking sides. Many years later, I respect these friends even more. They see my ex and his wife and children and also see me, and my husband and kids. They love us both. I felt like i was the one hard done by in my marriage and divorce but in hindsight I was very young and I can now see the part I played in a bad relationship. Those friends who did take his side were not really my friends to begin with. Also, unless you are in the relationship no one really knows why a relationship ends. There are always two sides to a story which perhaps contain a few difficult issues.
loading...
Totally agree with 2 cents!
loading...
i was on your mates side until i read that it was a year ago. i’d avoid inviting them both to the same event if possible but she needs to act like a grown up and accept that her friends can be friends with whoever.
loading...
I wouldn’t maintain a friendship with ‘Tom’ because I wouldn’t want to cause my friend any more pain and suffering than she is already experiencing. ‘Emma’ obviously needs you more than Tom and so I would cut him out for her sake. How incredibly unrealistic it is to think you can invite them both to dinner etc. If that is ever possible it won’t be for many years. I think it is really selfish to remain friends with them both and risks causing lots of damage in your friendship with ‘Emma’. ‘Tom’ may not be a bad person and may have valid reasons for leaving his wife, however it is very harsh just to leave because you’ve ‘fallen out of love’ without your wife knowing anything is wrong or even trying to work on the relationship.
There is a difference between a serious relationship or being married for years and someone you briefly dated.
loading...
We experienced this about 15 years ago, and probably handled it terribly, when I think about it now.
We were friends with both of them (I never knew either before they were a couple) but she took it very heard when he left her and seemed to think the extended friendship circle would wholeheartedly take her side, even though neither of them had behaved particularly well in the years leading up to their breakup – both slept with other people etc. and were clearly unhappy. It was not nearly as clear cut a situation as the one described in this article and in all fairness we could see why he had pulled the plug.
Anyway, the upshot of it was that most of our friends ran for cover, and there was much futile sneaking around and ‘not mentioning’ bumping into him and his new partner on occasions. It helped the rest of us immeasurably – cowards that we were – when he left to go interstate.
loading...
I write this comment while sitting at my oldest friend’s house…
Later tonight I’m going for dinner with my best friend… His ex.
They both got told when they spilt that the one who asked me to choose, would be the one to loose.
7yrs on, they still dont speak to each other – but they tolerate each other’s presence in my life for my sake. 15+ yrs of friendship with each is them is worth more than their 5yr relationship break-up was.
loading...
Whilst I understand he is your friend the way he has gone about splitting with your best friend is quite abrupt and cold. Personally I think your loyalty lies with her for now and perhaps in time you can catch up with him. How sad for her that he just did this so suddenly. He must have had some good reasons. I hope he doesn’t choose to end all his future relationships in that manner.
loading...
I am going through the exact situation now. Only my friend knew that I would never take sides as I did not understand when friends took side in my divorce. (Something I never expected them to do.)
Even knowing this she is holding it against me that if I bump into her ex I speak with him. I don’t actively seek him out, but seeing as their split had nothing to do with me and he did nothing wrong (she left him as she was cheating) I don’t see why I can’t say hello to him if I run into him. Their split and why is none of my business
Personally, I wish them both the best and my friendship and support is there for either of them.
loading...
I am in a similar situation – but with my son’s ex-girlfriend. I maintain that if she had been a work colleague, I would have liked her and wanted to be friends with her. We had a similar sense of humour and enjoyed doing stuff (girly visits to nail bars etc) together. My son and her broke up almost two years ago, we are still FB friends, but my boy has recently met another girl (who is also lovely!) and I am worried it’s going to be awkward. Help – there’s nothing in any parenting manual for this one!!!
loading...
I think it is lovely you are friends with your son’s ex. When our son broke up suddenly with his high school girlfriend I gave her a bunch of flowers telling her that we thought she was a wonderful girl and always welcome to visit us. A year later they got back together. In your case your son should respect the fact that you like the people he falls in love with and that there is always room in your heart and life for good people.
loading...
special consideration to his current, as she may end up being your daughter in law!
loading...
I have a friend whose mother in law is still in regular contact with his first wife!
By regular I mean meeting up for coffee, having her over to meet her new baby etc etc…she couldnt care less because she is confident in her marriage however, the mother in law isnt as friendly to her and it is causing problems with her ability to like her as she doesnt put as much effort into her relationship with her as she does her ex daughter in law. I think the mother in law needs to back off and nurture her relationship with her new daughter in law and let her ex daughter in law get on with her new family.
loading...
I dated my high school boyfriend for 2 years, and almost 10 years later his sisters are two of my closest friends, and I regularly visit his mother when I make the trip home. After we separated, he found a new girlfriend quite quickly, she is now his fiance and has made it abundantly clear that she dislikes me. It’s only as I’ve gotten older that I’ve realised how difficult having the ex hanging around must be on the new girl – so Yvonne, my advice would be to be careful, but remember that you can chose who your friends are, and it’s really no-one elses business! Good luck!
loading...
You cant have both, yet.
And it seems this situation isnt about you.
You bestie needs a stable, trustworthy ground, and you were providing that. If you cant, thats Ok, but she needs complete honesty and transparency to move through this.
The man seems OK? And yes, as the instigator, he would have processed this before he left the relationship.
So , you met up, had dinner, built a few bridges, and all is good.
Perhaps you could put your desires aside for the current moment and her her to get to a good place too . She will heal, but not to your time frame- to hers, if you give her a chance.
And then, in the future, see ex huby more frequently.
Might happen sooner than you think, if she has trust and support.
Just a thought from someone who has been her position.
loading...
I would be wondering if he can do that with the person that he was married to then he will have even less loyalty to you!
loading...
10 years ago my father and his second wife split-up. As she and I met as adults we had always been dear friends. I was as close to her as I was to my childhood best friend. Their split was a long time coming and no-one was surprised. There was no third party involved.
He did move on quickly and when I refused to choose and shun his new relationship my friend disgarded me. I was very hurt. I understand why she did what she did. Even if a relationship is doomed it still hurts when your ex moves on. I don’t regret my actions as I did my best to stay true to myself. It was their divorce, not mine.
The good news is after some very uncomfortable years she recently wrote me a beautiful and honest email to which I responded. We were able to tell each other how we felt, then and now and have come back together. Can’t believe I have a second chance at friendship with this fabulous woman.
loading...
I am in a very similar position. My best friend just left my husbands best friend (and godfather to our son). Birthdays, dinners, holidays. Do you invite both or one or neither??!? It’s so tough. And then the new partner issue? Gives me a headache just thinking about it. My husband and I keep saying we feel like children of divorce trying to pick a favourite parent (though obviously with less emotion attached).
loading...
She’s not going to change her mind. Out of nowhere and without making an effort he broke every promise he ever made to her. And you want her to feel comfortable trusting his friends? Not going to happen. You might still get her in your life but as an acquaintance. You will lose your best friend forever if you continue to hang out with her ex husband.
loading...
I absolutely agree! I was surprised to read that she felt “well it has been a year she needs to move on” (paraphrasing) I think it was maybe 2 years after my first boyfriend dumped me that I truly stopped caring when he was making out with others and stopped wondering what he was doing and felt happy. And he was just a boyfriend!!!!!! He BROKE her heart!! If you truly want what is best for her she needs to have a life free of him. If she is going to ever truly move on, and it will take much longer than a year, then having some friends who bring him around to bbqs and mention him occasionally will NOT help at all! It sounds to me like Tom is fine and also that Tom was fine to cut contact to brief texts and messages on Facebook. Your friend is not fine. Her trust has been completely broken, everything she thought would happen in the next few years has changed. She feels betrayed, stupid, scared and alone. If anyone needs a friend I think it’s pretty clear who. And if Tom isn’t fine I think whoever he was with when he cut you and his wife out of his life can help him.
loading...
God I wish you were my friend Kate. 99% of mine chose my ex husband after I left him. It’s been two years but it still hurts to hear that my ex and my two girls caught up with my ex-BF and her family on the weekend. Or my colleague with whom I still work but do not socialise. The list goes on.
Please have that cake and eat it too. And eat a slice for me.
loading...