It’s such an age old question. And everybody is probably thinking ‘well, duh, how offensive, of course we can be’ and ‘we are humans with intelligent brains capable of divorcing our emotions and so on’.
But not so fast. An independent film maker decided to ask the folks at his university what their thoughts were. Men and women.
And his results were, well, very one-sided:
Hmm. Do you agree? Can men and women really be friends?
Comments
70 Comments so far
I don’t understand why you can’t be friends with someone you have feelings for? I have three bestie’s one woman and two men. The first Man tried to hook up with me at the same time as I was trying to hook up with the man who is now my partner (of 17 years), whether or not he got over the sexual feelings I don’t know but he has had a number of girlfriends since and we are still very close. The other man is married to a gorgeous woman and has a beautiful kid (my partner and I have three). We have acknowledged that at a different time and in a different place we would be more than friends, but we are both people who believe in the sanctity of our relationships and as such have decided to be mates. there is no denying the sexual tension, it’s there, but it’s fun and it goes nowhere, and we are good mates. My partner is also friends with both of these men.
I think that the premise that sexual tension precludes friendship is questionable. Maybe not when you are 18 and away at uni, but when you are 30+ and realise there is more to life than sex, friendship is do-able even where sexual tension exists. (We are not base animals after all)
loading...
Interesting idea for a doco… although it is obvious what the maker what the maker had in mind to achieve when you can here his comments in the background! LOL!
Still nice and thought provoking! I think you really have to go with your gut feel and I think Men and Women can be friends platonically – which I think probably only works if there is no “lust” involved.
I have a really good guy friend that I met at uni. My partner (now husband) has never had issues with him (my husband also has good female friends). In fact, after increasingly being frustrated by my close female friends, who make little effort to see or include me in conversation now that they have children (and I’m shock horror waiting a few more years to start a family… which appears to make me no longer a desirable friend) I am looking at trying to make more friends – male or female!
loading...
i have had two male friends for 20 years now, when we visit their wife/girlfriend chats to my husband and I gossip to them.
We have similar interests and since these interests are a little different (we like SF/ new science research/ really unusual machinery etc) it is only fair that we take this “boring talk ” away from our partners.
We have nights out together, or visit each other without partners. My husband covers himself if he has mates around by saying my girl friend is here. Meaning we talk about things his friends don’t.
Alternatively he has time with mates who are into computer software, tweaking computers etc.
We have time with all the partners together, but really gender is a bad way to split friendship, surely hobbies and interests are more important as one gets older (I am retired recently and still have my friendships with the non retired few)
loading...
They can as long as they don’t find each other sexually attractive – by that I mean not all people (men and women) are attracted to one another. Isn’t that the obvious answer? There are some women I could never be “friends” with, if you know what I mean…it would be too difficult.
loading...
For me, it’s a no, and I’m inclined to side with a universal no… but there will always be people adamant otherwise!
When I look back on all my good male friendships there has always been at least a *tiny* element of mutual attraction there; or was, at least initially, before it completely went away. That diminishment may be so total that I can barely remember it, and may actually feel repulsed by the idea of any sexual contact now, but if I’m honest with myself there was always “something” in the beginning, however tiny the spark.
I honestly don’t think we’re hardwired, as human beings to get really close to those we’re physically and sexually put off by… it just doesn’t gel with our makeup. What possible evolutionary purpose would there be? Sexual attraction is just part of our makeup and honestly, those implicit and subtle flirtations that are part of male/female friendships are one of the very reasons these frienships have such a wonderful intensity. It’s – to my mind – pretty harmless and nothing to deny.
loading...
I think you most definitely can. I have a friend Scott and he is honestly like a brother to my sisters and myself.
I actually have quite a few male friends. I’ve never understood why people say you can’t have platonic friendships….
loading...
For some reason I have always preferred hanging out with guys. I think it is because there is no bitchiness. All through high school most of my friends were guys and when I left home it was to move into a sharehouse with a couple of male friends. I fully believe you can be friends with the opposite sex. It was sad that I lost most of them when I met my ex as he was jealous and controlling. I lost my best mates. So you really need to have a partner that is understanding about it too.
loading...
Of course men and women can be close friends without wanting to jump into the cot, together. I have been friends with two women for 30 years or more, and have never felt the slightest desire to bed either of them…..It’s about shared interests, not carnality……
loading...
If I was ‘just friends’ with the hot, hot interviewer, my answer would be NO.
(Yes, he’s awfully young, but it’s Xmas)!
loading...
definitely. anyone that thinks men and women cant be friends obviously hasnt tried or found the right people to be platonic friends with, or is a serial ruiner who sleeps with all of them..
loading...
That would be no. Never.
Ask yourself this. How would you feel if your husband rang you and said ‘sorry Darl, won’t be home for dinner – going out with Cheryl then drinks at the pub’ Ahh, no thanks.
PS When Harry Met Sally proved it! And we all know Hollywood movies are true to life..
loading...
Some of you have such a narrow definition of friendship…
loading...
honestly if i knew the woman and knew the relationship they had i dont think i would mind if my husband went out with another woman, especially because i probably wouldnt want him coming along to hang out with me and my guy friends if we were having a night out
loading...
My husband and I both have close friends of the opposite sex – and I have been in the situation you describe. I trust my husband, and I trust his female friend so I send him on his way and hope he has a good time.
Of course I feel a twinge of jealousy, but I know it is about me, not about their friendship. And I expect him to suck it up when I go out with my male friends.
loading...
I believe they can, the friendships are quite different to that of ones with the same sex but I believe they can still be as valuable and intimate.
I have been friends with my best guy friend since we were 13. His friendship is one of the most important I have ever had in my life. Absolutely no attraction on either side, He is like my brother. I love his girlfriend and he loves my partner there is no jealousy in that department.
I can love his soul without being attracted to him in a sexual manner.
loading...
My best friend is a guy. We are both 22, straight and have been friends for about 8 years, best friends for about 5 (after simply ‘deciding’ we were while drunk!). Not once has anything remotely sexual been implied or happened- the thought of it actually makes me cringe and feel sick! Naturally strangers will ask us if we’re a couple, or if there is anything more to it- I guess it is to be expected…. we are very similar and spend so much time together that we are naturally drawn to eachother in social situations, so I can understand why from an outsiders perspective it could look like something else. Normally people accept it once we explain that we are just friends- it is only frustrating when we have answered THAT question and people still push it. Just because it hasn’t worked for them, doesn’t mean it won’t work for us. The reason it is frustrating is because for us, our friendship is not based around our genders. We go shopping together (both clothes and cars!), we talk about relationships, sex, family/friend problems, work problems… just like any friends do. I actually find him the easiest person to confide in (particularly with boy problems) as he doesn’t judge as quick as women tend to. We recently travelled together and spent alot of it helping eachother pick up haha! And it is bloody helpful having him around when there is some creepy guy at a bar that won’t leave me alone. Luckily for me, it has never been a problem when i’ve had relationships– I don’t think I could be with a guy who had a problem with my best friend. It was a slight problem with his ex-gf (not at first strangely… she loved me for the first yr of their r’ship when i was single, but when I got a bf she turned on me and hated my best friend spending time with me…go figure!?). For us- we are best friends; we get along well, and we trust eachother… our genitalia has nothing to do with it.
loading...
Of course they can, but most of the time it ends up with one side developing feelings for the other.
One of my best friends is male, we became close last year, hung out most days during uni holidays, talked on the phone all the time etc etc.
But of course, those damn feelings arose i think when we hooked up after a drunken night out. He continued to have feelings and wanted to be my bf. I really didn’t see him that way, and the friendship is way too important to me to screw up.
But yes, guys and girls can be friends, as long as there is not sexual attraction there!
Note: do NOT see the movie ‘Friends with Benefits’ with a guy friend who has feelings for you!
loading...
Is the idea that we can’t based on the premise that men and women will always be attracted to each other to some extent?
It doesn’t really take into account how gay communities are often really tight knit though, with gay best friends of the same sex quite common…
loading...
Exactly!
loading...
I’m really sorry but I just couldn’t concentrate on the video because that dude was so damn CUTE! Hellllllllllo…
loading...
I know!!!
loading...
Anyone heard of editing? Wonder how many people he had to ask to get the right responses. Bias people. That was the angle he was going for I think.
loading...
Definitely!
One of my oldest friends is male. I’ve known him since I was 5. We went through primary school in the same class. Different high schools but the same church youth group. We’ve just always been friends. We even used to go out on a Friday night together when we were both single and 20!!!!! We met our respective partners the same week (nearly 12 years ago!!). He gave a speech at my wedding, I was his witness at his wedding. I adore his wife. I know all his family. Having him as a friend is really no different to my girlfriends except I’ve known him longer and in many ways treasure him more dearly.
I also went through grad school with a guy who was like a younger brother to me… he was here for dinner last week with his wife. There is ZERO sexual ‘stuff’ there. Urggh… the thought gives me the heebies!!!
loading...
That is lovely to stay friends for so long Sarah! But I bet he had a crush on you at least once even if he never admitted it to you…
loading...
Yeah…but so what?
loading...
I think about what it would be like to hook up with my girlfriends pretty much as much as I do with my guyfriends. So… ?
loading...
I’d be able to be friends with guys if they didn’t always want to have sex with me for some reason. It’s a hard life being so attractive. *sigh*
loading...
I agree with Harry on this one. The sex thing always gets in the way. Sure you can be friends but you cannot be close friends without starting to find each other attractive. If you say otherwise, I call bullshit – and it doesn’t matter if you don’t have a partner but as a married woman whose best friend fell in love with me, I’m telling you it gets messy and someone ends up hurt.
loading...
Of course they can. I had lunch today with two male friends who I’ve known and loved since high school (I’m 40). I shared a house with one of them for two years.
They have both become dads in the past year. We talked about some of the joys and challenges of new parenthood and I tried to share a little of the female perspective.
Many of my close friends are men and the relationships have been purely platonic for decades.
loading...
What a sad world if we can’t relate as human beings firstly and assume that men and women can’t interact without some sort of sexual agenda. I often prefer the company of men, more likely to get an honest opinion, don’t need to worry about comments being taken the wrong way and more likely to be interested in talking about current affairs etc. Of course a good intimate conversation with a GF is great fun too.
I like the idea expressed below about considering the person before the gender. If we work on the assumption that we’re all humans first and foremost and keep things honest and open, I think we can be friends.
loading...
I have male friends, but I don’t have any male best friends anymore- apart from my husband.
loading...
Girls and guys can definitely be friends – as long as both parties know that friends is what they are doing!
I have always been better friends with guys than girls. I usually meet the person before the gender, if that makes sense. I’m not the ‘sharing all my intimate secrets with girlfriends’ kind of girl. In fact, if you ask one of my best friends, he will tell you that I’m ‘not really a girl, though’. Thanks, dude!
Not all guys want to have sex with everything that has girl-parts. And not every girl flirts with anything with XY chromosomes. I think that sometimes people begin to believe the stereotypes that have been put in front of them, and seem to even try to match them. As if stereotypes become expectations. The expectations of what a typical girl is possibly can’t be good friends with the expectations of what a guy is. But many of us deviate from that, so in reality, girls and guys can be friends.
loading...
No.
loading...
Really? Then what are my female friends…figments of my imagination?
loading...
Actually, yes, but usually it’s because there’s another reason that makes the sexual angle irrelevant. For instance, I’ve had close men friends in a workplace environment – because it’s been so toxic that we’ve banded together against the ‘enemy’, so to speak. Nothing sexual in it, just real understanding of each other in a war zone.
loading...
I totally agree, I would love to think the males around me are happy with being my friend but I know thats not true. It’s very hard to deal with when you have a partner, I have come to the conclusion that I can’t really have men as friends-unless they are not interested in females.
loading...
You’re obviously socialising with particular sorts of men. Plenty of men are capable of thinking with their brains, as opposed to their dicks, and are perfectly able to distinguish between ‘friend’ and ‘potential sex partner’.
loading...
A guy once said to me that when a guy is friends with a girl he is either having sex with her or wants to have sex with her. I think this is true in most instances and the only guys i am friends with are my friends partners when we are socialising never one on one which would feel sort of weird.
loading...
I think men and women can be friends. I have some great male friends. But my relationships with my male friends are different to my girl friends e.g. no sharing of intimate details. For example, we’re more likely to discuss an episode of 30 Rock or talk about the footy lol! I think the important thing if you’re in a relationship is to clearly draw the line and be honest and know where to draw the line- with your partner, your friend and yourself.
loading...
From my (I’ve edited here) point of view: I think men and women can be friends if his wife says you’re allowed to be. Not saying it’s fair, certainly not being bitchy, just saying that’s how it seems to play out.
loading...
My hubby & I were friends….we still are of course! but I mean we started out as friends. It was a risk at first, ie: share a large group of mutual friends so if things ever went bad our paths would still cross. But things have gone from strengh to strenth, celebrating our 6 year wedding anniversary in February.
loading...
My husband is my best friend corny but true. We were amazing friends for about 4 hrs before we slept together.
loading...
Does this mean Rick and I can never really be friends? Because, you know, he wants me?
loading...
Nice try Idle! I actually do act very differently around men I find attractive though. Which is good news for you!
loading...
Burn!
loading...
My wife says I’m as funny as I am good looking. Which I take to mean “Very, very good looking”
loading...
Vid says “YOU LIE!”
loading...
so mean!!!!!!
Edit: oops that was meant for Rick….
loading...
My best friend is a guy. We are both very-long-time married (30+years) and have been close friends for most of a decade. We have boundaries, sure, and are careful to always put our spouses first in any conflict of interest.
but I’ve always had better friendships with guys, and never been in any situation that has caused my husband the slightest concern. I’m so tired of our culture wanting to reduce everything to sex .
loading...
I agree lynnetait – I have a great male friend I’ve been friends with for 20yrs. We’ve never gone beyond friends. In that time we’ve written letters, shared a house, shared many a drunken, late night of chatting, seen partners come and go, went to each others marriages, 7 children have arrived and a couple of major heartbreaking life events have happened and the friendship remains. His wife asked me, a long long tme ago, if there had ever been anything more than friendship between us (I imagine she had asked him and he’d said no) & I was really proud to say no. I love him, but not “that way”.
loading...
I think it depends on your personality. I don’t discuss intimate details with my girlfriends about my partner other than the very basics, i’m not naturally flirtatious, i’m not touchy-feely, i don’t drink alot and i rarely make a real effort to get to know someone so for me, these traits make it easier for me to forge friendships with males without it becoming intimate because the boundaries are always set.
But i know some friends do have difficulty drawing the line with their male friends because they are touchy-feely and they are naturally flirtatious and that can get misinterpreted quite easily for something more intimate than it is.
loading...
I think you’ve touched on something important here — i’m not a flirter either, in fact I don’t think I know how to be. Nor do i drink much. that probably helps keep the signals clear
loading...
I think you might have something there MissV. I am not a naturally touch-feely or flirty type so I am quite comfortable having platonic relationships with men. My good friend however is quite the opposite and she is often getting herself into tricky, uncomfortable situations because her intentions are misinterpreted. She also has trouble distinguishing between normal friendly conversation with men and flirty, sexual conversation which has in the past led to her getting the wrong idea about the intentions of several happily married men. I think it does depend on the individual and how they perceive relationships with the opposite sex…
loading...
I have several close male friends and I have never had trouble maintaining platonic relationships with men, and I think it’s because I’m the same – not flirtatious or touchy-feely unless I actually want to pursue something with someone. Boundaries are easy to maintain if you mean it, in my experience.
loading...
Hmm before jumping to being outraged maybe think about it for a second. How are you with your girlfriends, you tell them everything right? I mean EVERYTHING, well I do.
Now imagine If your husband was really good friends with a woman from work/sporting club/volunteer group and went out to dinner regularly alone(like you do with your girlfriends), went out for a boozy lunch alone (like you do with your girlfriends) and confessed all about life/relationships/partner etc like you do with your girlfriends?? Feel weird about it? Same!
I like to think I’m not jealous and I’m open minded but the friendships woman form are way more intimate then what men have. Do you want your husband having an intimate close friendship with another woman?? Hell’s no!!!
loading...
i don’t tell my girlfriends EVERYTHING and i loathe the assumption that all woman do that (ie. just like the girls on sex and the city)
the reason i don’t is that i think it shows a huge lack of respect for the person you’re in the relationship with.
i have male friends and i never discuss anything about my marriage with them that would hurt or embarrass my husband. and i behave the same way with my female friends.
loading...
Each to their own. Just saying that my friends and I are extremely close and share a lot of our lives, god I don’t get into the nitty gritty of my sex life, just relationship hurdles and life. They are a wonderful group of people but I would never share what I share with a male. Its different.
loading...
I agree! As my relationship with my partner developed, I spent less time with my boy friends and I honestly think it was because I felt comfortable talking the nitty gritty about him to my girl friends just not my friend who was a boy..
loading...
Who says women have a monopoly on close intimate friendships. Mateship is often one of the closest bonds imaginable. What, do you think we only grunt and talk about footy together?
loading...
Friendship comes in many forms. I choose my friends based on whats between their ears, not whats between their legs.
loading...
There’s more than one type of friendship you know…platonic friendship between a man and a woman is different than being someone’s BFF…doesn’t mean it’s not as valid as a BFF…
loading...
I agree – too many hormones in your early 20′s. With time the hormones settle and you can view your friends as ‘friends’, not male or female.
loading...
LOLZ I think what you meant to say was: “I like to think I am not jealous and I’m open minded – BUT I’M TOTALLY AM JEALOUS AND I I’M NOT OPEN MINDED”.
See – its easy to say. No need to beat around the bush.
loading...
Not if “When Harry Met Sally” is anything to go by hehe
loading...
Oh FFS!
You ask a bunch of 20 year old men if they can “just be friends”, of course they are going to say no…
20 years later, ask the same guys if they can be friends with women, they are going to tell you the opposite…yes, you can…
I call MAJOR BULLSHIT on this one…
loading...
god, this is rubbish.
really disappointing Mamamia.
This guy was just asking a few university students? how about a group of people who represent all ages.
loading...
I think it serves as a lunching pad for some more in depth poignant conversation (not to be taken too seriously).
loading...
A lunching pad… Sounds delicious.
loading...
Oh *cringe*, bad spelling and grammar is one of my biggest gripes.
loading...
I thought it was intentional! As in, ‘let’s do lunch ….’
loading...