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I cheated on my partner. We’re not in an open relationship. I wasn’t drunk. There was nothing to justify it, there rarely is. When this mange-ridden cat finally limped its pathetic way out of the bag, the person I love almost collapsed. That night, twice, he had to run to the bathroom sick with sadness and disappointment. And when we left each other that evening there wasn’t a gutter filthy enough for me to cry in.
Almost a year on and we’re still together.
‘Having an affair‘ is really too good a phrase for what I did, perhaps ‘causing an infection’ is more fitting and it’s what happens if left unchecked. It’s a gut churning guilt that creeps in whenever we watch a Rom-Com with a love triangle or being in bed and knowing he knows my body isn’t quite as special, that it’s ‘used goods’.
It was only after a few thinly veiled attempts at being friends we made the decision to give us another go. There were pitfalls, days where we stopped mid-sentence and thought: “Oh yeah. That awful thing I did.”
Nights where we’d stop kissing, when my jaw would lock up and I’d just run, to the kitchen, to the laundry or anywhere else but in front of the face I let down.
But yeah, we’re still going.
Kick starting a relationship feels kind of like microwaving yesterday’s spaghetti. The ends go a little dry, there are cold bits and the mushrooms are always gooey. Okay that last bit didn’t fit the metaphor. Questions constantly arise in your mind. Is this still the relationship you want to be in? Is it worth saving? Why did you do it anyway? And will ever as good as it was before you ruined it? Oh and you might hear this:
“I guess I was to blame a little as well.”
When you hear it your heart should break in two and you should run to the nearest megaphone and shout:
“No! Not at all! Also I love you!”
It’s odd to say, but sometimes it helps to say it out loud. If not a professional or friend, admit it to yourself. In accepting fault you take away any lingering doubts your lover has about their own actions, and they will have doubts. Sure, there is a chance they will hate you forever, but hey, you deserve it – idiot.
It wasn’t long ago I asked my man why he stayed on board. He didn’t have much of an answer, just that he loved me and knew if I loved him it wouldn’t ever happen again. Furthermore if it did happen again that I shouldn’t bother picking up my stuff, because it would be on fire. Ultimately he is the one that kept us together; in fact no matter how hard you work or how sorry you are, it always has to be them who chooses.
We don’t talk about it much, more importantly he doesn’t use it as ammo for arguments we have about unrelated topics. It is a flaw in our relationship that we will always have, the Bay Leaf in our reheated spaghetti if you will (Sorry about that). But I do love him and I am sorry, and he is sorry I did it but he loves me in return – I can only be thankful and hope he doesn’t change his mind.
At first we thought about it every day, then every few days, now I’d be surprised if we bring it up even once a month. It does pass if you both decide to let it. If you are the one cheated on, don’t be ashamed to be in that relationship if you believe someone loves you, if they do truly love you than believe they are sorry – otherwise, drop the bastard.
You might also enjoy Brendan’s other posts on Mamamia:
Comments
89 Comments so far
I’ve been the one that he’s cheated with… On a few occasions.
It’s not a good feeling, I’ll tell you that. But the way I see it, it’s his decision to make. I am simply an outsider, and if he’s willing to mess around with his relationship then so be it. This sounds disgusting, I know. But just accept that’s the way I view it.
I would be the first to say that I would never want to be in a relationship with these people. Let’s face it, if they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.
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When I was 15 I went out with a boy at my high school. I am only 20 now and I realise I have a lot of maturing to do in life but I felt like this relationship I had in high school aged me 10 years. At 15 I had a boyfriend who was a drug addict, alcoholic, had depression, dropping out of high school etc etc. It was too much for me to handle, but I did handle it as best I could because I was in love (looking back it was definitely 15-year-old-kind-of-love, but I think will change me for the rest of my life. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about him). Anyway, so when I was 17 (we’d been broken up for a year), he went out with my best friend. We all tried to make it work and be one happy group of three friends, but I couldn’t take it. To feel like I wasn’t “losing the break up”, I went out with one of my friends. I did like him, but I could not return the intensity of his feelings towards me. My ex and I tried to be friends (even though I had shut my best friend/his new girlfriend out of my life), but one afternoon sitting in my room something happened. He pushed me into kissing him and even though I didn’t, we did masturbate whilst lying next to each other. To me, this was a very grey area of cheating. Is it cheating? I don’t know. I did know it was an awful thing to do though. Anyway, I told my current boyfriend about it. He forgave me but we didn’t last long and broke up a few months later. My ex told his girlfriend (my ex best friend) and she forgave him but they both blamed the whole thing on me and we haven’t spoken since. They’re still together (from what I am aware of, but I have lost all contact with them) and I am living life single, not tied down and am enjoying being a 20 year old.
So why did I do what I did? Was I still in love with my ex? Probably. Did I want to get back at my ex best friend for “stealing him away”? I don’t think so, because if I did then I would have kissed him when he asked me to, I would’ve slept with him when he was begging me to. I am NOT excusing what I did, because cheating is never acceptable. However, I believe that this force that is bigger than me took over, I controlled myself as much as I could by not kissing him and not touching him, by only touching myself.
I dunno, it was a weird situation. When I told my friends about it, a few were caring and sympathetic and were like “Well good on you for not sleeping with him”, others were more blunt and said “How could you do that?”.
Either way, I’m very glad that this toxic guy and that toxic relationship is out of my life. It is definitely something I am not proud of but after the bad shit happened, I think I handled it reasonably well. Just in the fact that I owned up to it to my boyfriend at the time, and I took responsibility for it. In time, I forgave myself for it. A quote from Glee (Glee I know, not very deep and meaningful but it stuck with me), it was something along the lines of “The first rule to being an adult is to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made as a child”.
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My sister and I couldn’t believe it when our mum took our dad back after a prolonged midlife crisis affair. I thought it was the weakest example she could possibly set for me and lost what little teenage respect I had for her. It wasn’t as though Dad came crawling back on his hands and knees either; it seemed to be a pattern of screaming matches followed by cold wars that sometimes lasted months.
Eventually, it seemed the message got through to Dad that he had irrevocably hurt my mother and that it was entirely possible for her to leave him for good. I guess it dawned on him just how valuable she was to him. Slowly but surely, my mother forgave him and, I think, herself. Their relationship blossomed into something I’d never seen: loving. I could hardly believe it.
It took years for me to accept that what my mother had done was not weak at all but incredibly strong. The respect and consideration my parents hold for each other is, now, unshakeable. I guess it’s true what they say about relationships surviving the toughest of times; they must truly be cherished.
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Help, please, someone.
I met my current husband *Paul 7 years ago. 8 months after we met, he went overseas (I was to follow four months later- he’s European) and I met another man *Sam whilst he was away. We locked eyes in a bar, he asked for my number, I said no. We kissed. He tracked me down through bits of info I’d given him. We then virtually had a relationship for four months. At the time, I was 21. I didn’t really understand what this meant- thought it was just a fling before going to Europe to be with my boyfriend. Although I enjoyed so much this other man’s company. I got the sense that he very much liked me but I was “not available” in my mind.
Over the last 6 years me and Sam have kept in regular contact. He emailed me when I was in Europe 6 years ago proposing we be together when I return. I said no, that I felt very guilty about what we’d done, and that I was in a committed relationship.
He has always maintained that my happiness is most important to him and if I’m happy with Paul then he’s happy I’m happy.
In the meantime, 5 years ago he met a woman. He has always indicated to me, however, that whilst he is happy, if I were to end my relationship he would end his to be with me but that in the meantime he has to live his life.
We have emailed and texted countless times over the last 6 years. He has sent cards and presents for all of my birthdays. We’ve slept together a few times and then pulled back, both feeling very guilty, then we’d cease to see each other for some months. A common pattern.
About a month ago we caught up for lunch and, as always, it was bitter sweet but still OK. We’ve sort of had this agreement that we would remain friends no matter what because we’re very important to each other. We hadn’t had sex since 2008.
Three weeks ago somehow things intensified and we began sleeping together again. Then last week I went away on business with him and we had, as always, an amazing time.
However, a year ago his girlfriend had a child- unplanned, she was on the pill.
For the first time, we’ve started discussing the possibility of us actually being together. We have finally understood and confessed to each other that we’re in love.
But now he has a child. The child is his priority which I absolutely support and respect. But I am so, so sad and angry with myself because I’ve left it too late to understand what is between us.
In the meantime, I’ve poisoned my relationship. I’m not in love with my husband- who I do love very much- and don’t think I ever have been in love with him.
I am extremely scared of what I am doing. There is a very strong possibility that Sam will not leave his girlfriend to be with me as he is so very dedicated to his child. He is a very loving father and wants to be there physically as his child is only 1 year old.
However, in spite of this, I feel that I need to leave my husband because I’m not in love and I don’t want to live my life wondering how it could feel to be with someone I did love. Our relationship is not rotten, we don’t fight and we are very affectionate. But I am not in love with him. I am very much in love with Sam and believe I have been for 6 years.
I am now 28 and I’m worried that if I leave my husband I will never find someone I love as much as Sam and that I will never have children. This is a dreadful way of thinking, but I think, well if I can’t have Sam then perhaps anyone will be a compromise.
I’ve made some very bad choices and I’m sad and angry with myself.
Any advice much appreciated!
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Wake up and see what is right under your nose! The grass being greener is a myth!
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I think it’s brave of you to put your story out there, and I’m sure it’s not an uncommon one. For me, the saddest thing I read in that post is that you’re worried that if you leave your husband you won’t find anyone else – you deserve the chance to be in a true loving relationship and you’re obviously not if you’re cheating. The same goes for Paul. Doesn’t he deserve the chance to also find someone he is madly in love with? I’ve always believed in the motto: ‘I’d rather be by myself forever than be with someone because I’m lonely.’ It’s not fair to you, or fair to your partner, to be in a relationship that you’re not 100% committed to.
As for Sam, you can only make your decisions based on what you feel and not what you think he might feel or do. If he decides to leave his girlfriend, then that’s a choice that he has to make, and live with. As for the child involved, having grown up with parents who divorced when I was young I can say that it’s much better for everyone involved that the child is raised in a loving environment. That means more than just love for the child, but love between the parents. If the parent is happy, the child is happy.
Finally, I’ll say that something needs to change. It has to because you can’t keep on going like you’re going, hurting Paul and hurting Sam’s partner. Hope you figure it out.
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Hi Untitled,
Thank you for your thoughtful response.
Since posting, I have acted and left my husband. It was the right thing to do. Yes he does deserve to find someone madly in love with him and I really hope he does.
With Sam, time will tell.
And I agree with your philosophy- being alone is better than being in an unhappy relationship.
Again, thanks for the response.
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How about the partner who then suffers from low self-esteem, and finds it hard to trust again?
If you are going to be unfaithful – in one word – leave.
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Beautiful post, so much to learn ….
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Thank you Brendan for being a man and being honest to your patner. It restores my faith in humanity a bit. Yes you made a mistake but you realized it was your partners right to know what happened and choose the outcome. My ex boyfriend dumped me and was so weird and got a new gf in a week although now that it all adds up I feel stupid for not realizing that he was cheating and I still don’t know how long for
we lived together and although I knew something wasn’t right. He ran away like a coward when I confronted him about his anger issues (what a catch right?!) and just went to this other girl and has been horrible to me for the last six months. I could talk about all the cruelty he has shown but the worst part is knowing he honestly didn’t care about my health and safety enough to tell me he cheated so I could go get tested. He cares more about his reputation and not getting confronted or having someone angry at him. I can’t believe I have wasted five and a half years of my life who can’t even show the slightest bit of courage and dignity. My ex has done many bad things and doesn’t care. You made a mistake and care so much I can feel your pain. I really hope things work out with you and your partner you both sound like sensible and kind caring people. Xoxo
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.??? I’m sorry I didn’t understand that?
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I have a genuine question for people who have cheated. In the moments just before you crossed the line into cheating, did you think about your partner at all? And if so, why wasn’t it enough to stop you?
It’s something I’ve always wondered.
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I got caught up in this confused reality-disconnect – basically, my mindset was: “Oh fuck, my current relationship is so wrong and has so many things wrong with it, I should have more integrity to end it before starting something new, but I don’t, which makes me a horrible human being, so horrible that perhaps this person standing in front of me is the only thing that could redeem me, I feel so terrible and I need comfort, I don’t care who it comes from – actually, no, it would be better *not* coming from my partner because I wouldn’t want to use him like that”.
So, no easy answer. For me, it was very circular and tied up in notions of “the one” and how you tell the difference between infatuation and love. I did think of my partner when I cheated, but all I could think of was that I was so screwed up that I would rather inflict all that on some random stranger than the person I actually loved.
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I don’t think cheaters think about anyone else at the time but themselves and their “fix”. It’s a completely selfish act, so no, they’re not thinking of their partner at the time.
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Thanks this is really excellent honest writing. I bieve this is what we call emotional maturity.
Only I disagree about the spaghetti bol. It is better the next day, it has more flavour, complexity and depth. Sounds like your relationship does too.
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Another lyrical piece that rings devastatingly true. I was in a same-sex relationship for years. It was stunning by all accounts, bar the fact my girlfriend was ashamed of her sexuality. Eventually, it was all too much for her and she started sleeping with her best guy friend. We split soon after but the hardest part was not the infedility itself. It was knowing that no matter how much she loved me, it still wasn’t enough. Not even close.
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I know how you feel Poppy Fields. My ex partner never came out to her parents and family for the six years we were together. She only had one friend, a mutual friend at that, who knew we were together. It played a huge part in the breakdown of our relationship. I felt she didn’t love me enough to tell her parents. My family had welcomed her with open arms. Yes maybe her family might not have understood but it was devastating for me to live a lie when we were at her house. I felt like I was still in the closet which made me scared and insecure.
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I think there’s one thing that people who have never cheated don’t understand. It’s not like you wake up in the morning and think, ‘I’m going to cheat today’. Things happen in increments, and gain momentum in a way where when you look back, you think ‘how on earth did that happen?’ I once caught my partner in bed with someone else, and cheating was the most abhorrent thing in the world to me. But what I learnt is noone is immune.
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I really enjoyed this piece.
I cheated on my partner also. We broke up last year after 6 years together. Am I ashamed and disappointed in myself? Absolutely. Even though we’ve been apart for nearly a year I still question myself and my behaviour. Maybe everyone who cheats doesn’t do this but I certainly have.
I know what it feels like now to lose the most important thing in my life. To be honest I don’t miss the relationship – it wasn’t working and I shouldn’t have been so gutless to cheat, I should have just ended it. I miss our friendship because I believe if I acted like a caring partner we could have been life long friends.
I still believe she’s my soul mate but I just hurt her too much and I didn’t deserve another chance.
It has taught me an important lesson for my future relationships. I am forever granted for that.
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My partner cheated on me. That hurt, but the fact that he tried to lie about it hurt so much more.
I could only forgive him when he finally said “I’m sorry for hurting you” rather than “I’m sorry you were hurt by my actions.” When he finally could take responsibility for the fact that he deliberately acted in a way that he knew would hurt me, rather than shrugging it off as a justified action that I happened to get upset at, that was how I knew he got it, and was finally sorry for it.
I’ve also been in a relationship with somebody who was otherwise attached. He was engaged, met me and broke off his engagement, we started a relationship and then I found out that he was still with his fiancee, they had just called off the wedding. She found out about me and went off the pill without letting him know, and suddenly he was strung between me (who he had been lying to about still being with his fiancee) and the other woman, who was pregnant by that stage. Despite all his reservations, he’s married to this woman now, with twins – and I have no doubt that he will cheat again.. in not being honest with himself about what he actually wants, he’s ended up hurting everybody, including himself.
Monogamy is tough. The best film I have ever seen on love and relationships is How to Make an American Quilt, which offers this quote that just sums everything up so well – “Young lovers seek perfection. Old lovers learn the art of sewing shreds together and of seeing beauty in a multiplicity of patches.”
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Actually Brendan, I’m interested in why you cheated in the first place. Why couldn’t you have just said ‘no’ I will not cheat on my partner?
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Beautifully written. I agree with the comment about honesty over monogamy. We’re human; we err. To accept ourselves and others are they are, to forgive and be vulnerable is really to love. Thanks for sharing this. (Loved the spaghetti analogy! Such a clever writer.)
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“And when we left each other that evening there wasn’t a gutter filthy enough for me to cry in.”
Diddums.
Did you tell your partner because he asked, or for some sort of atonement for your guilt when he had no idea until then? If the former, you did the right thing; if the latter, you compounded your selfishness by sharing your hurt with him. You should have kept your mouth and your pants closed, never done it again, and left him with his illusion that all was fine.
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Are you joking?
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You know I don’t even remember now. I believe it was the former. He asked.
I do wonder how a relationship would ever have a chance of working if someone kept such an awful secret? I only believe I love him because I can tell him the truth. I suppose it’s different for everyone.
Diddums indeed.
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Brendan, I cheated on my partner ten years ago, and for what it’s worth I firmly believe that if I had kept my mouth shut we would have fallen apart within months. There’s no chance our relationship could have withstood that level of dishonesty. The cheating is shit, lying just makes it worse.
Ten years on we don’t have a lie between us, ever.
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THANK YOU
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Are you seriously suggesting a relationship built on lies and guilt is better than honesty?
Brendan,I think you are incredibly brave and you proved just how much you love your partner by taking the harder option and being truthful.yeah you made a mistake….a phenomenally big mistake at that….but who amongst us are perfect?the fact that you have worked through it and are still together shows that your love is very powerful and your relationship is very strong.
I know neither of you will ever forget what happened but it sounds like your partner has forgiven you….maybe it’s time to forgive yourself.x
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I cheated on my partner once and have never told. I know my partner won’t benefit at all from me telling, our relationship won’t, the fling means nothing to me (cliche I know), and I can get through my days ignoring that it ever happened. It hasn’t changed the dynamics of our relationship, which was fairly new at the time (about 8 years ago now) and we have since married and had children.
Why did it happen? We had been seperarated by half the world for about 6 months, a friend of mine came to visit, he was also feeling emotional after having left an ex, pregnant with his child, to travel Europe for a few months. I think we came together on that occasion to fill an emotional and physical void.
I realised that I couldn’t complete the deed because I loved my partner too much. That’s all I needed to know.
I know that if I had ever told anyone about this (this is actually the first time I ever have) nothing good would have come of it.
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Similar thing. I cheated a year and a half ago, about a year into my current relationship. It’s a horrible horrible feeling, but I know that it will never happen again, and the guilt I feel is what I deserve.
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as someone who has had years of experience in being lied to, i can say that the actions are never usually as bad as the lies. being lied to is such a horrible feeling. it just takes all trust out of a relationship and leaves with a diminished sense of self and a poorer ability to trust your instincts.
give me truth any day
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You had me at the first line…. so brutally honest, stripped bare. You are to be commended for your courage in writing this.
I have been in your partner’s shoes and forgiveness is HARD….. he seems to be doing well so far… I had an insatiable need to make my partner pay – which he did until I finally let it go.
Good luck to you both – I hope you find happiness.
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Sometimes spaghetti leftovers can reheat and be just as good if not better than when it was fresh the night before
just some food for thought Brendan. Good on you for having the guts to write this article. Well done.
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Brendan you have such a gift, you write beautifully and with such honesty. I didn’t stay with my cheating partner but we should not judge other people’s decisions as there are always more complex issues involved than just the physical cheating!
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I am going through this at the moment after 12 years and a child together. It is not easy but I really don’t feel the correct response is for me to rave and rant. I thought I would but I just don’t feel like doing that. It doesn’t really seem to serve either of us. He is clearly in the midst of a crisis not entirely related to me or to us or to the other person. I can see past what has happened to a person I have loved in pain and despair who made a mistake. He lied and deceived me for sure and that hurts but this is not really about me entirely. We are a long way from staying together as he needs to deal with the other stuff but I don’t necessarily think it is a deal breaker if he can truly deal with what he needs to and come back to me with love and committment. The vows do say for better or worse after all.
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Certainly hope this works out for you.
I suppose the awful, non-helpful response in my mind is you just have to do what feels right. But “right” can be a really, really tough place to get to.
Genuinely, best of luck, hope he works his butt off to save the twelve years and family you built.
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Honesty beats monogamy.
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Once upon a time I would have been devastated if a partner slept with someone else.
Then I spent a couple of years having casual sex and I realised that sex can mean absolutely nothing.
I would prefer to have a don’t ask don’t tell, keep it on the down low, don’t humiliate me situation in a relationship I think. My partner having sex with someone else wouldn’t be the best feeling but it’s not the end of the world.
I think an emotional betrayal is far worse than physical betrayal. I would be much more hurt to find that my partner had an emotional relationship with someone else.
Read the book http://www.sexatdawn.com/ if you’re interested in finding out how we became monogomous.
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My partner cheated on me and I decided to take him back, and it was just like you said in your piece Brendan, over time it does become a rarely thought of event. I chose to take him back because I truly loved him and knew it was worth fighting for. It may sound strange but I do take some comfort in the fact that he will never do it agin because he saw how much it really hurt me, and how lucky he was that I took him back, that he would never do something so stupid again. (Hopefully)
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Hopefully, But the doubt will remain there, I am sure.
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trust is a hard win when it has been violated.
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Your writing is truly amazing but it’s hard for me to imagine that relationships can have a happy ending after infidelity. I just can’t see how it’s possible.
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Another interesting dimension is how other people think and respond about your mistake. Will his friends ever look at you again in the same light? Has it caused any complications eg do they now think your not good enough for him?
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Thats an interesting point about what the public or semi public view of their relationship will be in the aftermath. I know that several couples have admitted years later that they went through something similar, but they dont make it known until the healing has finished.
I think when it comes to things like this, outside opinions complicate the matter, so I would suggest that Brendan and his partner have done their ‘healing’ which is why he is ready to go public – so that friends etc dont open fresh wounds with their opinions on the matter.
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Got it in one.
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Interesting thought. My close friend’s partner cheated on her while she was pregnant. They pulled it back together for the sake of their daughter, they’re great parents to her and it was my friend’s choice to be with him now. But I still want to stab him when I see him and therefore try to avoid him. I think I need relationship therapy to get over his affair so I can maintain my friendship with my close friend
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I know exactly what you mean! I have a close friend who has a complete and utter tosser for a boyfriend. They don’t have children yet but they’ve been living together for a long time. He has cheated on her before (and lied about it for months – that’s the part that gets me!) and is so emotionally manipulative. Nor does he look out for her and take care of her – his needs always come first. All of this sends me into a complete and utter rage every time I think about it. And it’s damaging our friendship – I really try to bite my tongue and be supportive of her and their relationship but it’s hard. And I think in her heart of hearts she knows what I think of him. What a mess!
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You’re a lucky bastard to have a partner so forgiving and acutely perceptive. A brave, honest, bastard who writes well, but still a bastard.
Thanks for this, and remember folks; communication is the answer to everything.
It will save the world.
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Just. Wow. Your writing never ceases to move me. xxxxx
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I think that Brendan is such an engaging, thoughtful writer. About any topic, he writes with such honesty and I love reading his posts. Thanks Mamamia, and Brendan.
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Welcome back, Brendan! Your previous article on here about being a ‘relationship stepping stone’ is one I re-read every couple of months, simply because you write with such beautiful, bare-bones vulnerability. I ‘ve been hoping to find more of your contributions on MM.
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Brendan’s boyfriend, if you’re reading this, you should lose that zero and get yourself a hero!!!
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Seriously? People cant make mistakes?
Even heroes and heroines make bad choices sometimes. Being a great person and a great partner isnt about being perfect, its about learning from the mistakes you will invariably make, and doing whatever you can to minimise the hurt and damage done to your partner.
Brendans partner made his choice, because he obviously thinks what they have is worth fighting for. If you have not found yourself a relationship worth fighting for, then that says more about you than it does about the relationship in the article.
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Wow. That was powerful. And beautifully written. And so honest. I’m going to look for your other contributions.
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I like Brendan’s partner’s stance on if there were to be another cheating incident – this was the same concept my boyfriend applied to me at age 18 when I kissed another boy – once can be a mistake, twice says you mean it.
Also, one of the most interesting things I took out of my catholic education is the idea that while the act of forgiveness might make the ‘sinner’ feel better, it really should be about the person who has been hurt taking stock of their feelings and making a conscious choice to let go – remove the issue from their heart and mind in order to make themselves better by not carrying anger/hate etc around with them.
I love this concept, and it shows that bringing the issue up in fights, constantly judging the person etc means that you haven’t truly forgiven. You can still be hurt and saddened by the act, but choose to no longer hold the it against the person.
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This article hit close to home, Brendon.
I was being cheated on for about 4 months before I found out. I could have forgiven if it was just cheating; what I could not forgive was someone who didn’t man up to what they did and who insulted my intelligence and feelings by lying to my face again and again.
If you’ve cheated, own up – it’s the only chance you’ve got of salvaging your relationship.
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Sounds like we dated the same man, Spunk.
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You and me both!!
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Lied constantly and then tried to tell me ‘you are imagining things’… yeh right!
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Self serving therapy! Time will tell if this is of any value to the author. I have never understood Anglo-Australia’s obsession with the apology. My anglo ex-girlfriend of some years would nag me incessantly to apologise about things that I did, that hurt/offended her or, worse, accidental damage.
My take on it was, that if have to be prompted to apologise – or if I have to apologise for an accident then it carries no value. If I don’t convey how i feel about something (honestly) without being prompted then it’s my weakness (flaw) – but prompting for an aplogy is pathetic.
I suspect, the author was put up to this as some sort of bargaining plea. Pathetic and sad.
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I’m not sure what you mean BB? As I mentioned it’s been about a year. We’re going very well and we’re talking about me moving in. It’s a happy story – I’m not sure where you found the negativity.
Oh well.
But I will give you this, it is self-serving and I’m certainly not spending my time calling myself brave or heroic, it’s not. It’s just a blog post but I do believe in apologies, forgiveness and I do think reflecting on it can assist other people that may be going through it too.
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I’m also not sure how this applies to the story, but I do agree with demanded apologies not being worth the air they carry through.
I’ve always found it strange when parents just demand their kids apologise for something or other. I understand the need to teach kids that you should apologise for something you did wrong, but it seems silly demanding an apology rather than making them understand why what they did was wrong and thus making them WANT to apologise.
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I have always struggled to understand infidelity.
As someone whose husband cheated on her, and could not explain why he did this, I still struggle to understand infidelity.
I admire you for writing this, BUT I admire your partner even more, for sticking by you, believing in you & in your relationship.
I could not do this.
Obviously our circumstances were different, but I could not trust my husband ever again. The betrayal of the act of sexual infidelity was bad enough, but the lies, deceit, and blame (heaped upon me) were what killed our fragile life together.
I hope that you do not destroy the (obviously) wonderful man that is your partner by cheating on him again.
My advice to all people – if you are not happy in a relationship & feel the need to cheat, walk away, don’t betray the love & trust that the other person has placed in you!
My two cents!
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I totally agree with anon…just walk away. It’s so hard to put yourself back together when the person you committed your life to shatters your world and your heart.
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I have never been cheated on, but my brother has just found out that you will eventually get caught if you do cheat.
He has a girlfriend of 4 years and went away for a few months on and off for work and ended up having a few flings and starting a new relationship whilst none of these girls knew of the other.
I so wanted to tell his long term girlfriend, but it really wasn’t up to me. He spun a web of lies and got away with it for 12 months. He came unstuck when he told us (the family) that he had broken up with the long term girlfriend for good and since my brother’s girlfriend is really close to her she blurted out that it was for the best them breaking up as he is a cheater. She was really shocked and said that they had not broken up yet and what was going on?
It all hit the fan on the weekend and the “other” woman broke it off and the long term girlfriend wants him back and thinks the can work things through. My brother is a wretch and I am cross with him for being so stupid. Now that the other one gave him the flick, he is thinking of patching the first relationship. I have no idea if it will work – I have serious doubts and he will be watched and punished forever.
I think he needs to go and be single to start fresh and hopefully learn a big lesson here. It makes me wild that it doesn’t just affect two people, it looks bad all round for friends and family too if you know about the cheating and the people involved are the last ones to find out.
Great piece Brendan!
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Perhaps you should remind the long term girlfriend about the “he’s just not that into you”… Once off maybe I could forgive and i say maybe – not likely but maybe. More than once or ongoing forget it!
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I got a little confused in the middle, but it’s a great piece. I did like the weird spagetti references too
I liked how he said if there was a next time your clothes would be in a burning heap. I think the person betrayed needs to stay strong too, purely acting the victim on and on is just likely to drive things apart, new groundrules do need to be discussed and both people retain their dignity.
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Yes you should be sorry. You both need to get past it. It sounds like your partner is a fantastic guy and still loves you. But I can’t help but wonder whether he has fully forgiven you, or maybe if he has he hasn’t let you feel that sense of total forgiveness that needs to be there. If my spouse cheated on me I would still forgive her totally and unconditionally and make her KNOW that I did.
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How else should his partner show his forgiveness?
Remaining faithful to him, never bringing it up and moving on is a pretty clear indication of forgiveness for me…
Just curious as to what else is required?
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They seem to still be bringing it up. Maybe I misinterpreted “At first we thought about it every day, then every few days, now I’d be surprised if we bring it up even once a month.”
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Heh – I usually leave the comment box conversation to the community, but this one I can field.
My syntax is all over the place in this article, that sentence is an example of when I could have just said what I meant.
I actually think before I told him I was going to write this article it had been about three or four months since we mentioned it, but that just didn’t go with sentence.
Sorry to be confusing!
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Thanks for the clarification matey. Wish you all the best and I’m happy it now seems to be working out. While on some fronts your relationship may have been weakened by it, you may find it actually makes the bond with your partner stronger in the long term.
R
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I understand this ‘bringing it up concept’ it’s not that you bring it up it’s that it comes up – in tv shows, in your friends lives etc.
My partner and I are in the 1st few months of recovery after his cheating incident and so it’s still fairly fresh for us. I notice now I think of it or be upset by it less and less each month but then something will happen that makes me just mull it over and over again.
Just yesterday 2 friends in our group have ended due to his long term cheating coming to light. While I feel for her and will be there for her the instant understanding and sting is there for us – both ‘re-living’ in a way our own recent disaster.. our awkwardness of any cheating subject is killer and will be for quite some time..
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This has truly become one of the best articles I’ve ever read.
I never thought someone could put into words the wide range of emotions that you go through when this happens. Yet, here it is.
Thank you so much Brendan.
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“If you are the one cheated on, don’t be ashamed to be in that relationship if you believe someone loves you,”
Love this, it is so true. I think there is a lot of pressure from friends, family etc to drop someone once they’ve cheated. Like you are somehow weak if you choose to move past it. But it depends on the person, reasons, and your own sense of self to decide if a relationship is worth it – not some black and white breaking of rules dictating that it must be over.
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Wow Brendan. This article took guts to write. You are excellent (you dog). Also, wonderfully written.
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What a beautifully written piece.
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“if they do truly love you than believe they are sorry – otherwise, drop the bastard”.
In a nutshell.
A powerful piece of writing. Thanks for sharing your experience Brendan. I am taking a lot away from reading this.
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This post has just made me cry. It’s very close to home for me. Brilliantly written – thanks Brendan.
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What Angela said! Just beautiful Brendan – wow
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Just out of interest Brendan, why did you cheat? Of course you don’t have to answer, that’s a very personal questions for a complete stranger (me) to ask.
You see, I have at theory, that women cheat because it starts off as something emotional that leads to sex, and with men it starts off as sex which could possibly lead to something emotional.
Gross generalisation I know. But I have a friend who cheated on her husband because he neglected her for years, and she found someone who actually listened to her, she formed an emotional connection with him, which then lead to sex.
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I cheated because I’m an idiot for one.
I won’t be too specific, but there is an old saying that you only get into a new relationship when you’ve finished the last one completely and moved on. My impatience to move on to my beautiful new partner was my down fall.
So in my case, it was about holding on to old emotions. Though I don’t want people thinking there is justification, there really isn’t.
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Thanks for replying Brendan.
You are right, there isn’t a justification, but there is always a reason.
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I disagree, from experience, women DO cheat just for the sex. I don’t think women/emotional,men/sex stereotypes do anyone any favours.
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I wasn’t sterotyping. I know cheaters, both male and female, and from their experiences, my theory is correct. The males cheated because they weren’t getting enough sex, and the females cheated because they weren’t getting the emotional support.
But I also know a woman who cheats because she just needs to boost her ego.
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How do you know that this is why they cheat though?
The fact they SAY this is the reason doesn’t mean it IS the reason.
I mean, it is a lot easier for men in our society to say “its coz I wasn’t getting enough sex” and for women to say “I didn’t feel loved”. Switch the words into the other’s mouth and the woman comes across as sex-fiend, and the guy a sissy.
Something to think about…
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Did it work out for your friend? The one one who was neglected for years? I am close to doing something similar.
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Once again, I read your work and wish to hell you’d write a book. You make words beautiful.
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*nods* Yes, a book. Also, more music please.
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