So honey, what’s in the box?
by JO ABI
Yes, you read that correctly. My loving husband of almost ten years decided it was a good idea to purchase a vibrator as a gift for the birthday of the mother of his three children.
After all my hints about anti-aging facials and jewellery he decided what I need was a big fake penis.
Because between work, our children, laundry and trying to get to the gym my biggest priority is to have as many orgasms as possible, as quickly as possible and with this particular gift apparently I can get the job done in minutes.
Ironing, check. Bills paid, check.
Orgasm achieved, check.
I’m not sure why I found this gift so offensive. I think it’s because we’ve been through so much lately, that we are so close, that I’ve been dying for us to see a movie together, that I’ve been feeling so happy and content with our relationship and our beautiful family.
I wanted a birthday gift that signified that, that showed he not only cared, but listened when I dropped hints. I wanted something from him that would help me relax, a facial, some time away, a good book, a massage, anything to help me relax!
And then I realised…that’s exactly what he did. He bought me the ultimate gift for relaxation except he forgot that for most women, orgasms come second to foot massages, books, chocolates and anti-aging facials.
He tried to buy me something to make me happy and to relieve my stress. He just came up with the boy answer, not the girl answer.
It didn’t help that it was wrapped in Christmas paper, left on my pillow for me to find shortly after I’d woken up that morning and that the card accompanying it was signed by my kids.
The offending vibrator.
And boy did I let loose. He was gobsmacked. He was truly surprised that I didn’t like it.
“It’s not a birthday gift,” I explained. “Buy it, fine. I doubt I’ll ever use it. But not for my birthday!”
And they’re expensive. Apparently it was almost $200. That would have paid for a two hour facial with me just lying there being pampered.
My poor husband. I can count on one hand the times he’s bought me a gift I actually like.
Actually, there have been two. He gave me a voucher to buy books once (awesome) and he bought me the most amazing bag once.
So now I have a giant vibrator hiding in the back of my closet, in its original wrapping. Maybe I can sell it on eBay? My first instinct was to throw it in the bin but the cost of it stopped me.
What was he thinking?
how would you have handled it?
Comments on this post have been closed by the moderator as of 2.20PM
30 Comments so far
I’d take an orgasm over chocolate and facials any day!! It’s a bit presumptuous to state that for most women orgasms are a runner up to these things. To be honest, I think you’re over reacting. Your husband wouldn’t intentionally get you something to upset you, maybe just respect that at the time of purchasing the gift he genuinely wanted to get something to make you happy.
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Oh jeez cut him some slack!! I LOVE for my hubby to come home with a vib for me,birthday present or not! I don’t find it offensive or ridiculous and am perhaps thinking that you’re looking for a reason to be pissed off about it.
And for the record – I’d take an orgasm over foot massages, books, chocolates or anti aging facials any day! An orgasm is MUCH more enjoyable.
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Boy, some people here are being so unsupportive!
It’s not exactly about the vibrator everyone! It’s about the LACK OF THOUGHT that went into the gift. Here is Jo wishing for a relaxing facial, some books….and she gets a buzzing bit of plastic made in China that costs a fortune. I would hit the roof too, Jo.
By the way, vibrator fans, not everyone finds them the ant’s pants and a way to ‘bring intimacy to the bedroom’ – bleeech! Some of us are a little more conservative and there is nothing wrong with that.
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Good for a gift – but not a birthday gift, unless it’s been discussed previously or you know she likes new things in the bedroom. I’ve had an ex give me one just for fun (not celebrating anything) & it was fun. In fact if my husband pulled one out from his bedside draw while we were being intimate – I would be very excited. However if he gave me one for my birthday – wouldn’t be too impressed. I don’t think it was the gift that was the problem – just wrong context to receive it. My cousin was given one as a Kris Kringle at work!!!!
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I have one. I bought it on my husband’s suggestion. WHen I first bought it, I was on the telephone one afternoon and my then five-year-old walkd into the lounge room, holding this buzzing object and said, ‘What’s this, Mum?’, and holding it to his head cried, ‘Look! It’s buzzing in my hair!’ I had to bite my hand in order to stop from braying laughter down the telephone!
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I think cut him some slack! It’s a great present. Fair enough,you got a bit of a shock, but it might bring you closer in fun and exciting (and of course, relaxing!) ways.
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Maybe it’s just what you guys need to get closer? I know each couple is different but for me it’s very fund, exciting and intimate to experience new things together in the bedroom (TMI sorry). for me it helped me to really loosen up and be a really sexual person (not a wife, mother etc..) It made me feel like a kid again- I felt safe knowing I was doing it with someone who respects me and WE HAD FUN!
Isn’t it the thought that counts? He perhaps thinks you guys need to have more fun together and he wants to see you let loose and do something you wouldn’t normally do. Just remember he is your husband who loves and respects you!
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I can’t understand why you’re so offended either. He bought you a gift, it may not be the gift you wanted, or in the paper you wanted, but he bought you a gift. People don’t buy vibrators just on a whim. He’s put massive thought into that and gone out on a limb, and sure, it may not have been what you were expecting, but it’s like going to a restaurant, saying “you know what, I like meat – surprise me” and then they bring you a steak tartare when you were expecting a hamburger. Don’t be all down on the tartare. It’s awesome.
By the way I have 3 vibrators (and 3 kids, it’s not related though) and they really are a fantastic way to relax.
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Jo, you are very quick to attack your husband for not caring or listening to you but perhaps you are failing to listen to your husband. How would you feel if he had phoned you at work and berated you for the gift that you had got him for his birthday? Poor guy must have felt awful. My husband would be gutted if I then condemned him so publicly. Did you stop to think about how he would feel? I’m sure he didn’t intentionally upset you and like most guys probably thought he’d done the right thing.
…And was it really so wrong to buy you something intimate and spicy? I’m not sure I believe you are as disgusted as you claim.
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I completely agree here. My partner would be absolutely GUTTED if I said anything like that (let alone saying it publicly) … Well, I would never, ever do that to him. I know how much he agonizes over buying me a gift. And I’m sure Jo’s husband was just the same – especially in this case, a $200 vibrator is not a gift you buy lightly.
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Cracked me up! Especially the bit about the card from the kids…oh dear! I could almost visualise your poor hubby’s gobsmacked face as you were tearing into him down the phone line. My hubby n I went shopping together for a vibrator for my birthday and we love using it together…it enhances an already thriving sex life. But it’s a different story when two people talk to each other first, agree on a pressie and then go shopping together to buy it. Perhpas the key here is in the TALKING…rather than expectation that he will listen to your hints and buy you stuff you really like. Sounds to me like you have unrealistic expectation and poor communication in your marriage. So …how much for the vibrator? I’ll start the bidding at $50. You’ll get that facial in no time.
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Well it was my birthday yesterday and my husband was apparently too busy to buy me anything.. not even a card.. so at least you got SOMEthing! If you tried it, I’m sure you’d find it’s probably the best gift your husband ever bought you!
Is it time we gave up expecting them to get it right, even with the 100 hints.. as they always seem to get it wrong & you’re only left disappointed! It’s not about the material things, we just want to know they’ve put some thought behind it.. and your husband did!
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My boyfriend bought me a vibrator for my 28th birthday last year. We’d only been together for a few months so I guess it was a risky move, but the context of why he gave it to me made it the perfect gift. I still had not ever had an orgasm and having never owned a vibrator, he thought it could be a good way for me to get more ‘in touch’ with myself. Turns out he was absolutely right – a few sessions and I was experiencing the great ‘O’ that eluded me (but seemingly not everyone around me) for so many years. That vibrator was like a packet of Pringles to me, once I popped I couldn’t stop, so needless to say it has been laid to rest after almost a year of service. I’m not saying a vibrator is always a good gift idea, but to me, it was almost life changing.
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I wish my husband HAD bought me something like that when we were married…. Our sex life was extremely boring and uninspiring (also with two kids & 18 yrs of marriage). I’ve been divorced four years now and have had the best sex of my life with some wonderful men, one of which bought me a fantastic vibrator which we often used together, and I solo… Give it a chance, open your mind to it and it may just help to save your marriage down the track. Don’t wait to feel like I did
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I’d be thrilled with that gift!
“You bought me an orgasm for my birthday? Hell, yes!”
Having had some very frank conversations with guys, I think the vibrator is kind of sweet. Quite a few guys seem to be put off by the concept of a vibrator, it seems to make their self confidence shrink a little, as if they can’t do the job themselves. To me (and my husband), it is a wonderful tool, and a different kind of job/experience that is getting done! The gift of a vibrator from a partner to me says that their self-confidence is less important than your enjoyment, if that makes sense!
My husband and I had an argument over Christmas due to the gift issue (in our case, the distinct lack of). We have started up a shared Google Doc, to which we add things as the mood strikes us. How many times have you been out and seen something you thought would be great if someone gifted it to you, then promptly forgotten about as soon as someone asks what you want for your birthday? This eliminates the ‘unwanted gifts’, you get what you want with it still being a surprise, and you can tell others what to get the other person as well, with confidence!
Boys think with the ‘boy brain’, and perhaps it is a little unfair of us to get mad when they try to come up with a solution that doesn’t match the girl brain. If we give them the tools, then they have to rely a little less on the boy brain!
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Trust me, not all women prefer chocolates and books over an orgasm. Not even close. I would love it if my husband bought me a vibrator. Just sayin’. (And its no commentary on our sex life, which is great, and that’s with a one year old baby, I’d just like the novelty factor of toys). In fact I’ve hinted at it before but no dice. I get that you feel like he hasn’t listened to you and that hurts but your reaction was pretty OTT. I’d be careful, you may just end up with a husband that buys you nothing at all as he’s too scared of offending you, rather than one who tries to think out of the box and surprise his wife. Some people are just bad at choosing gifts. But I bet there’s a lot of other ways that he’s a great husband, so why not take a deep breath and focus on those instead? (Ps if you really don’t want the vibrator, send it my way!
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“He just came up with the boy answer, not the girl answer.”
That right there, says it all. My husband is the same.
After 18 years together I basically buy my own gifts (including vibrators, erotic fiction, beauty products etc.) Nowadays on my birthday, it would be a box of chocs ‘from the kids’ and maybe a nice dinner out.
They try hard, I know, buy some guys just don’t have a clue. I used to think my man was really selfish, but now I know it’s just how his brain works. It helps to know this, as I get less angry with him now (not just with gifts but parenting and other relationships etc.)
Such a pain for you though when well meaning ppl ask you “What did you get for your birthday?” A big… ‘argument’ that’s what.
Sadly, you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last…
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Um… I think you should take it out of the box & give it a red hot go. Sounds to me likehe probably bought you EXACTLY what you need, you just don’t know it yet!
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Men do not actually hear women. They only hear according to their own imagination. And they ignore anything genuine. It’s either too confronting for them or cast off as irrelevant. Getting them to really hear you means spelling it out in minute detail and insisting that they repeat what you said and what it means to you. Then getting them to repeat it all a week later to make sure they’ve remembered and understood what you said and to make sure they haven’t translated it into their own interpretation of what you said. They don’t like this procedure very much, because they feel like kindergarten children. Getting them to hear you is like penetrating another galaxy. Unless you can get them to hear you, you might as well be talking to a horse. 60 years of marriage teaches you all this.
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Wow that’s offensive. If my husband spoke about me that way I doubt I’d be very interested in listening either.
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Oh Jo! That truly sucks, especially in the emotional-investment stakes. And the worst part is, it sounds like he REALLY believes that he gave it his best effort!! Tell him to get wRapt! for his iPhone. It will give him a better starting point for Mother’s Day.
And go for the eBay. And buy yourself that facial.
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Use it together. Much more fun. He’s trying to open your mind beyond the day to day. Ps I have two children and a busy life as well…..
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Jo, I’m tipping your blog is partly to polarise but I’ll play along.
Are you serious? After 10 years of marriage and three kids I’m not sure you could be as offended as you profess.
I’m pretty sure it’s not all about “gifts” or their quality. If it is, I hope you have a very nice house and a very nice car, and a very nice … whatever.
Some – if not most men – in long-term marriages are actually quite worried they aren’t satisfying their partners. We all like to think we have the stamina of the 18 year-olds we used to be. But, stress, work, and all the things that go with life and responsibility have an effect on performance … satisfaction.
The fact he bought it for you takes courage, regardless of what it was wrapped in. Sounds like you’re being selfish to me and he’s just trying to make you happy. The abuse you let loose with more than likely hurt him more than you were offended by it.
So instead of being offended, perhaps reflect on the fact he may not of intended for it to be used when you’re alone but when you’re together to add a bit of spice back into your bedroom. Doesn’t sound too selfish to me. Being offended does. Unwrap it, put the batteries in, it may offer a pleasant surprise.
And, oh, happy birthday.
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Sorry Peter, but I cannot agree. After ten years of marriage and three kids, Jo’s husband should have known Jo well enough by now to buy her a gift she would love, especially given all the hints. It was her BIRTHDAY, so for him to have gone the extra mile to either listen to her hints or ask female friends or relatives what to get her, would have been great. If he wanted the vibrator to share more intimate times with her, then he should buy that for himself for HIS birthday to share with her, not hers. Women get repeatedly annoyed with men because for a man to speak a woman’s language just one day in a year, would not only go down fabulously well, the woman would then have thanked him by getting the vibrator out and using it together. But, in many cases, they don’t. After ten years, if he doesn’t know this, or if guys in general don’t know, that IS selfish behaviour. Speak a woman’s language for her birthday once a year… won’t kill you guys.
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LeeLee are you suggesting after 10 years of marriage men aren’t speaking the language of their partners and vice-versa?
What sort of relationship is that? If you take the opposing view, Jo should have expected him not to get it right – considering she and you are accusing him of being predictable (ie: not listening, being selfish).
You can’t have it both ways. If she knows he doesn’t take hints well, then she should have said, I want “x.y.z”
Your response smacks of blame and hypocrisy.
Perhaps you should take your own advice and “speak a man’s language” at least once a year. BTW, I find that pretty sexist.
Blokes cop and awful lot of flack because we’re wired differently (it’s a well documented fact)…
Fortunately, my wife and I respect each other and our opinions and listen to each other more often than not … and I buy materialistic gifts with meaning… and when I get it wrong, she doesn’t call to abuse me if I don’t quite get it right.
All seems pretty selfish to me.
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Dear Peter. It was HER birthday. Effort on the man’s part needed here. Had she been selfish on HIS birthday, I would have blamed her. Blame on the man only – nope. I’m not sure you’re getting my point. My point is that after ten years of marriage, either partner should a) know the other well enough by then and b) make more of an effort to get something SHE or HE likes. Please note the capitals are used for emphasis only.
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Spot on Peter…too much expectation and not enough good communication. And lets face it, guys need to be spoken to very clearly and slowly and often over and over again before it sinks in
kidding…sorta
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Well said.
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My (STBX) husband did the exact same thing and my response was just like yours. I really wanted something “nice” that would pamper me and make me feel loved and appreciated and valued and attractive. He also didn’t “get” that his idea of the perfectly inspired gift was verging on insulting. I think the icing on the cake was when he actually said “I paid good money for that”. He could have shoved his “good money” somewhere dark and just picked me a bunch of flowers from the garden and I’d have been happy.
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If I bought my wife an anti-ageing facial, she would come at me holding a pistol sideways like a gangster and execute me with 2 quick and professional caps to the head.
Uh, uh, skincare for birthday one year, still limping.
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