I discovered my mother-in-law was actually a monster-in-law at my first dinner with the family. She placed a beautiful plate of food in front of me and said: “Don’t think I did this for you. I want my son to eat well.” What followed were constant insults, rejections and once even a threat (she said she wanted to kill me when she thought I had not treated her son properly). I was 20 when I started dating the man who is now my husband and father of my children. Back then I was unsure of myself and overly polite and I continued to be meek and fearful of her for the next five years.
“Your food is so salty. I never need to add salt to mine.” “What are you wearing? You look like a dog.” “That hair colour makes you look like a tart.” “Do you have so many clothes because you like to tart yourself up?” are just a few of the remarks I would have to endure. Comments made to her son in front of me included: “You’re not shaving enough. Send her out to buy your razors.” “You don’t need life insurance because if you die she’s not your problem. The state will take care of her and the children.”
My monster may be a little different from yours. Yours may be passive aggressive while mine is aggressive aggressive. You may have to witness yours belittling her child, whereas I watch mine standing guard from underneath his pedestal, sharpening her claws. Either way, for many people the mother-in-law relationship is hard and you’re not alone if you are having troubles coping.
When you find yourself at the crux of a highly stressful situation, eventually something’s got to give and this happened for me in the lead up to our wedding. Perhaps it was a mini meltdown (or, let’s be honest, a full blown breakdown) but my mother-in-law was taking over my day and I didn’t know how to stop it. I would sob at my parents’ kitchen table, wail to my friends and wake up at three in the morning unable to breathe. Until my sister said: “That woman is going to outlive us all and you’re going to die of an ulcer.” It was harsh but true. I needed to take action immediately. I needed help.
So off I went to a counsellor. I was going to learn how to stand up to my monster, things were going to change and I would take charge of my life. No more hiding. No more panic attacks. Sitting in the waiting room thoughts flowed through my head. What would my counsellor do? Hypnotise me? Role-play? Tell me that actually I wasn’t good enough for my partner? Fifteen minutes in and my counsellor said something that completely surprised me. “I want to meet with your fiancé … without you.” And, what followed was equally as surprising. My partner agreed to go and during the session he had a brain snap. He acknowledged that his mother had been controlling us, her behaviour towards me was unacceptable and he was going to be the one to deal with it. To hear him understand me and acknowledge what I had been through was the greatest thing I could have heard. To know that he was going to take care of the whole bloody mess was one of the most relieving experiences I’ve had in my life. It also made him feel stronger and more in charge and our relationship thrived. There was a light at the end of my monster’s dwelling and I was going to escape into it while my partner led the way.
Here’s what we learned:
1) Only see your mother-in-law with your partner
When invited to family events do you suddenly come down with a cold? Or have an urgent dilemma to attend to, or a work function you can’t get out of? If so you must stop with the lame excuses and face your monster. If you mother-in-law is always dropping in on your partner at work for some one-on-one quality time this also must stop. Why? Because the two of you must appear united. She has to understand that her child is the other half of a team now and she can’t wedge herself in the middle. If there comes the time where she is supportive of your relationship then things like one-on-one lunches are A-OKAY, but in the meantime you two are your own private army.
2) Change your language and conversation
This follows on from point one. Your language must also reflect that you are now a team and you can do this by changing your pronouns. Instead of: “I want to live here,” or “I want my child to attend this school,” say: “We decided it would be best if we move to…” and “We are discussing school options for our child.” If she is rude to you, your partner must pull her up on it straightway with replies such as: “Please don’t talk to her like that. It upsets me,” or “Mum, you’re being rude/unfair.” If she is trying to bully you into something such as: “You must get health insurance/a new car/take holidays with us,” reply with: “Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll think about it.” Then don’t give it another thought.
3) Don’t react
Both of you must stay calm, cool and collected. Don’t give in to tantrums, mind games, silent treatments or bitchy remarks. This might sound silly but try visualising a coat of armour around you. Also, make sure to mentally prepare before you see your mother-in-law by reminding yourself that she can’t hurt you or harm your relationship in any way. Your partner chose you and loves you for who you are. What she says doesn’t matter, but if you react by getting angry or tearful she’ll be able to use that against you and act as though you are over-sensitive or hysterical. At the end of the day you’ll feel better if you have controlled your emotions.
4) Learn to laugh at her
It sounds childish but do this in your head or behind her back. Make the things that used to upset or anger you now amuse you. I’m sure if you think about it enough your monster is a bit ridiculous. Whether it’s her nutty viewpoints, or the extreme way she reacts don’t allow her to bring you down. You and your partner deserve better.
This post was written by a Mamamia reader who does not wish to be named.
How do you deal with your in-laws?
Comments
304 Comments so far
My parents in law are nightmare and caused us heaps of trouble when we first got together. Eventually we figured out the exact course of action outlined above and that’s what we did/do. The keys to us surviving the whole thing was my husband deciding once and for all that the relationship between he and I (and now our son) was his first priority and letting go of his need for his father’s approval and me being willing to forgive them for the evil shit they do and remain civil to them.
They still pull all manner of shit but we try and let it just roll off us. US. Not just me, though it’s often directed at us individually, we always meet their challenges as a team.
IN the end, they made us stronger as a couple – back when they were really working to break us up we had to really examine our relationship and where it was going to get through it .
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I wish my husband could see that the kids & I are a priority over his parents !! He chooses to ignore the problems and does everything to please them without a thought to us.
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Was he weak like this before you married him?
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I never thought he was… its only been since we’ve had kids that we’ve had problems with her!! It literally started the day after my eldest was born!! Carrying on that her family will never have anything to do with our kids etc (which is so not true and nothing like that had ever come up before) She ended up turning the birth of our eldest child into a stressful situation that somehow became all about her!
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We had to do the same. It was the only major stresser in our marriage – how to handle his difficult (impossible) parents. Now, 15 years down the track we have an ‘understanding’ about how we deal with them. I can’t say it didn’t annoy the hell out of me that they gave us this stress – but yes I agree we are now stronger as a couple. But, it did take a long time for my husband to see what was happening (or admit it). It is so much more bearable now we are together on this issue. It was difficult for him because she had ‘programmed’ her sons into never speaking up and always doing what she said – even now he finds it nearly impossible to speak his mind to her. She is a very forceful person.
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Oh my god, can totally relate. My mother-in-law has been a passive aggressive nightmare for years. Once we started having children four years ago it has been worse than ever. For the most part, my husband sees her for what she is, but of course she is still his mother and he will sometimes take her side against me. After putting up with this for more than a decade, I have had enough and have decided “honesty is the best policy”! So next time she makes a cutting remark about my children/how they’re raised/my family/friends/how I look after her son etc etc, I will be saying “What a rude thing to say. I would never speak to you that way”. Should make life interesting!
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Wouldn’t it be better to speak to your husband first? It really should be up to him to confront his mother about the way she treats you. I think what you’re suggesting would create a family argument when all you want her to do is be polite. Also, I think the author’s suggestion about only seeing your MIL with your husband is good advice – then he can see first hand what she is like.
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I have spoken to my husband about this many, many, many times. Mother-in-law saves her “best” comments for when he is not there. (Unavoidable at times, such as when she visits us – my husband works full time and I work part time.) As I said, my husband does see her for who she really is, but he’s not big on confrontation. There are also several complicating factors relating to her behaviour – namely some mental health issues which she likes to medicate with alcohol. My husband is aware of my new “honesty” policy. In the past I have bitten my tongue for days at a time and then lost my temper – so I’m thinking a timely “what a rude thing to say” every time she chips me is better than me losing it altogether! And you know what? When a grandmother’s reaction to the birth of a happy, healthy grandchild is disappointment because it’s not a girl….well, I have every right to be angry at her behaviour and to stick up for myself.
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I think we have the same mil Brooke!!! Hubby avoids confrontation like the plague and would rather have me totally lose my shit at him than confront his mother!!
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You have my sympathies Anon! I think my husband is sick of me losing my shit at everyone, him included! lol!
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he “sometimes takes her side against me”???!!!! OMG! That is appalling.
Don’t worry about putting up with her, how on earth do you tolerate him?!!!!!
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Because, 99.999 per cent of the time he is world’s most wonderful, loving, caring, supportive husband and father. He’s worth it. Everyone’s parents mess them up a bit! Just some more than others
My husband has managed to overcome depression – due to his chaotic childhood – and is truly an amazing, generous person. Even if I could have seen into the future and seen all the craziness my mother-in-law has brought into my life, I would still have married my husband. I’d do it 100 times over. He is worth it. And so are our two beautiful boys.
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I’m a big believer in having a united front. In my marriage I was third in line of importance behind his family first, and friends second.
When I told my husband I would like to have a holiday JUST ONCE with just the two of us, I was called a bitch. So my husband was fully supportive of his parents bad behaviour.
I didn’t realise how awful his parents really were until after he died. They are horrible human beings, using their grandchildren as leverage, expecting everyone to help them after their son died, instead of helping me, the widow. Saying everyone who is mean to them has the problem, it’s not them at all, they’ve done nothing. And what really upsets me, is that I only found out about a month or so ago, how rude they were to my mum TO HER FACE but didn’t have the balls to do it in front of me.
So glad they completely abandoned me after the husband died. Assholes.
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Sound like complete bastards, lucky you are out of their life now!
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Going anon today, hahah
My MiL is so passive, aggressive. In our early days she’d make plenty of digs – she learned we had a cleaner so she offered to teach me to iron my husband’s shirts.
She used to call me all the time to bitch about her other son and I made many lame excuses (Um, have to go, my favourite TV show is about to start”.)
She’s fooled me many times, every time I think she’s being nice or interested in my life, I let my guard down and she turns it back on me somehow.
Well – now we live on the other side of the world and only have to see her every couple of years. YAY.
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My MIL is lovely but it’s her daughter who has made my life hell at times. And my husband does not get my back. Am going to apply these rules to her though to be honest I can no longer tolerate being in the same room as her. What gives people the right to make bitchly comments to you then act all offended if you call them on it. You can pick your friends but not your ‘family’
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I am so with you – My MIL is great – the odd silly comment here and there – but nothing that is too bad…. it is her daughter that is the problem… what is with passive aggressive sisters???? She is not very happy in her life and I can see she is jealous of her brother’s success in life…but she can’t take it out on him so she takes it out on me. Subtle digs are never ending! Thankfully she lives a distance away so I only have to see her 6 times a year max. I know it’s awful but I actually put a cap on the amount of times I see her. For my partner I am always polite and engaging when I see her but we will never be friends. Its like she likes to see how far she can push before she gets a reaction from me…my blood is boiling inside but I smile sweetly and say nothing… I am not giving her the satisfaction of her thinking her snide and underhanded comments are hitting their mark.
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It’s terrible how we tiptoe around how we really feel so we ‘don’t upset’ so and so. Yet they have no hesitation in speaking their minds. Like many of the other posts on this topic I have decided enough is enough. She doesn’t have to like me but my god she will respect me. Good luck with yours
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My daughter suffers. Her MIL will try and feed the grandsons alcohol if she isnt watched. They are 1 and 4!!!
She says it ‘helps them sleep’ other older grandchildren (from other kids) are showing signs of brain damage (in and out of prison)
And my daughters husband wants the kids to spend time with his mum.
So now they aren’t allow there unsupervised anymore!
How do you say “I love you, but your mum is a child abusing alcoholic monster?”
This lovely MIL also insisted on calling her by his last girlfriends name for 3 years.
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My mothers mother was like that. She would offer us alcohol all the time and anytime she made us a drink there would be alcohol in it. She had 6 children and 2 of them are now alcoholics, one has had his life completely ruined because of his drinking. She is now in a nursing home with a form of alcohol induced dementia.
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Holy cow Anon! What a horror MIL!
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Woah woah woah!
Criminal.
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I can sympathize with this. Not only do I have a MIL from hell (which is bad enough) but also 3 sister-in-laws from hell. The stories I have collected over the past 13 years could fill a book…His sisters are particularly nasty – they are all older than my husband, and all unmarried and unhappy. I often think if they just had their own husbands/families (or just got laid every once in a while), perhaps they would focus so much on mine?
Quite unfair, as my family rocks (and I’m not being biased, hubby agrees!) They love my husband like he is their son, and we are all very close. I can’t complain too much though, my husband completely supports me and can see his family for what they truly are – manipulative, spiteful and unbelievably passive aggressive (I often wonder how my husband was spared and is so normal in comparison?). He often says he loves my sisters more than his own, which is lovely, but at the same time really quite sad.
We’ve tried to address the problem many times – the amount of times he has told them that if he has to choose he’ll choose me, they need to change the way they treat me if they want a relationship with him, etc, etc. But, nothing changes. So we see them a handful of times a year, and laugh off the ever increasing aggression and negativity that accompanies our visits with them.
We are hoping to have children one day soon, and sadly, have agreed that they will only play a small role in our children’s lives – my husband feels that he has enduring issues stemming from the way he was raised, etc and is adamant he wants none of these passed on to our kids. In fact, I have on occasion had to “remind” his mother that unless she changes the way she treats me, she’ll never see her future grandkids. The look on her face *almost* makes up for the hell I’ve been through. What I’ll never understand is that she is always going on about how awful her MIL was – I can’t shake the feeling that this is payback – if she had to endure an awful MIL, why shouldn’t I?
Anyway, rant over…
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I am so grateful that, inexplicably, my boyfriends parents seem to really like me, and are so lovely to me. To the extent that for their daughter’s wedding reception in a few weeks, they are so nice that I get to sit on their table rather than at a table of people I don’t know (as my bf is a groomsman, and will be with the bridal party).
They say sometimes, half in jest, that they just can’t believe I ‘put up with him’.. I reckon they don’t quite realise how awesome he is!
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My partner and I have been together since high school (almost 20 years) and my MIL was like a second mother to me until she hit menopause then it all changed, she lives in NZ and we haven’t spoken in over a year, she hasn’t met our youngest child (he’s almost 2) and doesn’t seem to want to, in 7 years she’s yet to remember my oldest son’s birthday and if she sends a present she always sends clothes that are 2 – 3 sizes to big (haven’t worked that one out yet). For Xmas she sent my then 14 month old an elf suit that was for a 6 year old (go figure??). When she does talk to my husband she seems jelous of everything we have and do and never seems proud and as a mother I just don’t understand that. It still gets to me that she doesn’t doesn’t seem to want to be a part of my kids lives and I feel bad for them and my husband but I must say I’m glad to be away from the drama – I used to dread the weekly phone call and not knowing what you’d done wrong this time.
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we had to call the police on my MIL once…. nough said!
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I’ve complained my MIL a few times on MM before.. to be honest my FIL is just as bad. When they are both together it is like the Costanzas are at my place. They constantly talk over the top of each other, no matter what gets said my FIL will argue with my MIL. With each sentence they have to increase their volume to be heard, to the point of basically yelling at each other. Oh it does my head in.
My new motto to calm my blood pressure: Stay Calm and Remember the Free Babysitting.
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Serenity now!
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I’m not sure why but I don’t really consider my sons to be ‘mine’. I’ve always felt they’re just passing through…..
However, in my mind, my daughter is definitely ‘mine’. Perhaps it is she and my future son-in-law who should be worried!!!
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I was actually just wondering how many men had issues with their MIL?? and i saw your comment. I am one of 5 ( 4 girls and one boy) my mum is pretty intense, we all are. I know she has probably broken my BIL’s ball many a time but i don’t think she has made their lives the hell that some women are describing. I must remember to ask my brother’s wife if he ever get married
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thanks for this story… It reminds me of myself and the struggles I created in my head about my MIL for many years It all goes back to when I first met her when I started dating my husband. She made some negative comment, and from then on I decided that she did not like me, and ever since have been trying to prove myself right.. I remember offering to make a salad with a roast that she was making as do not like eating carb’s at dinner. I asked everyone else, even my FIN if he would eat some salad, when my MIL said you do not eat salad with a roast… and said that her husband would be eating roast veges… I took this so personally, and did not understand why you could not eat salad with roast… anyway, that was another reason for me to think that my MIL did not like me. I would always be anxious going to MIL’s place, and always creating something to prove that she did not like me… I would say to myself.. “see, your MIL does not like you and does not think you are good enough for her son”. I laugh at myself as I write this, and realise that it is me who thought that I am not good enough for my husband, and saw that his Mum saw the same thing… but the reality is that his Mum is happy that I make her son happy, and it is me who created a unlikeable MIL… I now know myself as an fricken awesome person, and do not take things personally, and I can actually have a great relationship with my MIL…
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Rule Number 5 – Do not take her personally
Sorry if this sounds condescending LuchiB but I think you should be proud of yourself too. That kind of self-awareness is uncommon, I think.
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thanks for your comment, Tastbud
, not condescending at all… it has only taken me 30 years or so to realise… lol.. I am proud of myself now..
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My MIL was fine (or maybe I could handle her better) until we had kids… She has been a passive aggressive nightmare…. She is also a very negative person which just shits me. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t always have my back. She lays guilt trips on him and his siblings & he is too scared of upsetting his mother to say anything to her if there are issues. He says he doesn’t want to choose sides…
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My partners MIL passed away from cancer years ago so ill never really know what its like. However he has an evil step father that seems to be my version of a monster-in-law.
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I feel this way about my Mum. Poor Husband having to deal with a terrible MIL. I love that other people agree with uniting with your partner because that’s what Husband and I do but to my Mum this is bad. Apparently I shouldn’t put my Husband first.
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B’s Mummy – I feel exactly the same way – in fact I think you and I have discussed this before! It’s a horrible thing to have a mother who treats you like dirt.
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We probably have! It’s not nice. I especially hate that my mum thinks she’s entitled to do this or never admits that she did anything wrong.
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Yeah, my mum’s the monster too…
She told me that she didn’t understand “why my husband loved me”, a week after I had given birth. I was a hormonal, chubby, sleepless wreck. I couldn’t understand it then, either. I cried in the shower about that for months.
She told me that she “just couldn’t be happy for me” that I had had my much longed for second child, as it “meant that Gran was going to die” (WTF?)
She told me…. Well, she’s told me a whole lot of crap, basically, and I just don’t take it any more.
She’s allowed to visit my house once every couple of months, as long as she brings along another member of her family as a chaperone. (She is on her best behaviour if her dad, aunt or brother are here. If they saw her true colours they might realise that the stories she has been spinning about what a terrible daughter I am are untrue.)
I do not let her stay overnight or for more than few hours, and I will not visit her house. That keeps everything on an even keel.
But now she’s started in on the kids “when are you going come and stay at Nanna’s?” My answer? “They aren’t, Mum.” No discussion will be entered into, I can’t hear you above the roar of your burning bridges….
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Archie sounds like my situation. It was when my mother said to my eldest son “you don’t want to live here do you? You want to live with me!” that i knew we had to move away. It’s horrIble to have a mother with no love, boundaries, empathy or filter. But I’ve learnt how to deal with it. Coincidentally i have to see her this weekend for the first time in four years. They are not invited here and we will meet them somewhere public and somewhere I can make an easy exit once she starts with the insults wrapped up in compliments. I’m done!
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My grandmother was the monster and made life hell for my mum right until the day she died at 87 years old. Was insanely jealous of all my mum’s boyfriends when she was younger and when older was jealous of anything at all that took up mum’s time, including work. The fights, tears, manipulation, guilt trips never ended, no matter how much mum tried to stand up to her. As a family we presented a united front because my grandmother tried to manipulate us kids against mum (never worked). So sad that she was never able to see how much she missed out by continuously sabotaging the relationship with my mum (whom she loved dearly, just in a very selfish way).
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The problem with my MIL is that she is selfish and self-absorbed – she does not, and apparently cannot, see the perspective of other people or think about someone else’s feelings ahead of her own.
After many years, my husband has said to me that seeing me with our children now has made him realise that his mother has always been like this, but as a kid he just didn;t know any different.
My MIL sees my kids only four or five times a year, but spends no time with them when she does see them – she is always commenting on how noisy, disobedient, messy, argumentative, demanding and selfish my children are – they are four and two!
She is forever commenting about how my husband looks like he ‘needs a good feed’ or a night out, and how hard he works and how I don’t do enough to make his life easier.
She sends me information about diets and beauty treatments, telling me that her son is such a prize that I really need to take better are of myself – it makes me want to scream, ‘Lady, since I’ve married your son he has lost his hair, started wearing glasses and has now got a really hairy back – my children don’t even recognise him from photos when we first met – but I don’t care because I love him. Don’t I deserve I the same?’
I could go on and on, but it would just get depressing. I have had people ask me why did I marry him if she is so bad? I tell them that he is worth putting up with her – he sees it, he loves me and he makes me happy. My husband is not perfect, and neither am I, and there have been plenty of situations that I wish I had handled differently. But I’m getting better at it, she upsets me less as time goes by, and I have come to realise that no matter how badly she behaves, I’ve got what she wants – she wants to spend time with her son, but he won’t do that unless we are together. And I have never allowed her to see my kids unless I have been there (she often says thoughtless things and I won’t put them through that unless I can be there to make sure they are okay).
I have beome the passive agressive one – I do not argue with her or call her on her behaviour, I simply don’t call at all. She has been to see us but we have not been to visit her in over a year because the last time we were there she tried to smack my son and I told her that we don’t smack. She told me ‘in my house…’ – so we simply no longer go to her house.
Sometimes I feel ridiculous playing games like this, but my husband and my kids are worth it. On a side note, he husband, my FIL, is a nice man and a he has becomne a bit of a ‘silent ally’ of mine, and sometimes I get a bit of an idea of what my husbands chidlhood must have been like, with his mother carrying on the way she odes, and his dad quietly subverting her. Families!
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My MIL is a very nice person who I get along with very well. She lives in New Zealand but comes to stay with us a few times a year. She was a single mum and raised my partner, who is much younger than his two older siblings, by herself from the age of three so they have a very close relationship.
My sister, on the other hand, has an awful woman for a mother in law. She and her partner have been together for nine years later this year and are getting married. They met as teenagers but this woman refuses to accept the fact her son has made a life for himself that does not revolve around their family. They are very insular people and she is a very strange woman. Despite my sister constantly reaching out to try and include them in their lives, they just ignore both of them. They have lived in their house more than 18 months and his mother has still never seen it.
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I am definately trying to do points (3) and (4) but it is bloody hard!
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I got along quite well with my MIL before I had children and we still get along, however, things did change when my first born was a girl. You see, she always wanted a girl but got two boys and when Emma came along she was the daughter that she never had. There are times when I truly think she thinks of Emma as her daughter and even makes comments to my husband that my 2 and a half year old said that she wishes SHE was her mummy. I know my daughter is not capable of that kind of comment. She obviously wants Emma to love her so much and wants Emma to love her the most out of anyone else- including her own mother! Which is a little bit twisted, but anyway. The thing is she helps us out so much in so many ways, it’s hard not to forgive and forget; after all we have to live with these women for the rest of our lives. I have learnt to stand up for myself when she tries to give her opinion, but it can be hard. I am gradually coming to accept her for who she is and not become upset by the ridiculous comments she makes. Deep down she is a kind-hearted woman, but she says the most ridiculous things sometimes. At the end of the day, I am glad that she is in our lives and grateful for all that she has done for my daughter. We’ll see how my son fares (he’s only six months old) when he’s a bit older, but at the moment, it’s all about Emma.
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Reminds me of what mine said to my first child at the hospital “You’re my little prince, she’s just the care-taker”.
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WTF?!
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My MIL plays mummy at my kids school. Once she called and introduced herself as ‘Mrs Shared-last-name’ and didn’t correct the teacher about who she was! She got caught because she has an accent. I let it slide, mostly because she does it out of a place of love. Also, it gets me out of craft mornings.
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Mine did that. ‘How’s our baby?’
‘My baby is fine – and I married yours’.
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My mother in laws sister, as I mentioned further up, is even more troublesome than mine.
She turned up at her grandchildrens school and took herself into the office. She demanded to know if their school fees were up to date because they had been ‘splurlging in silly things lately’ and she was ‘worried’ they werent able to keep up with their bills. She told my MIL, who told me. They thought she was being a caring grandmother!!!!! I was really angry and told her to tell her sister it was none of her business and that was really embarressing for her son and his wife, not to mention their children. And if she genuinely had concerns about their finances to take it up with them personally and give them some money if she was so concerned. I dont think they even know she did it.
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My mother-in-law cooks for us which is just….a life-saver. We have a great relationship although it is a uniquely intimate relationship that you have with your partner’s mother – the two women who love him most in the world.
I wonder what kind of MIL I’m going to be?
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Hi Mia.. thanks for tweeting at me
(TheTooky)… I’m sure you’ll be a great MIL! Mine bares a lot of resemblance to the one described in this article! And I have just passed that stage of being overly polite and letting her bring me down… starting to tell her what I think and trying not to let her get to me. The whole family including her own mum and sister don’t speak to her anymore and my hubby finds it difficult to speak to her/be with her…. sad case
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How do I put up with my inlaws? I don’t.
We moved to the other side of the world and haven’t spoken to them in 12 years. They loved me until we said we were getting married, then they turned and did everything they could to try and get me out of their sons life, including telling him they would buy me a plane ticket to get me out of his life a couple of weeks before we got married – something he did not tell me until years after we were married. When it all blew up before the wedding and immediately after it, they then stupidly made my husband choose between them and me. Silly mistake.
My mother in law misses my husband terribly and is extremely upset come his birthday, Mothers Day, her birthday etc but still, all these years later, she still won’t take responsibility for her (or my father in laws, neither will he) actions – they basically ruined our wedding day – and until she does, I doubt her son will even think about speaking to her anytime soon.
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I’m going to stay anon for this… I have had my issues with my MIL. One of the biggest ones was when she turned around and told me that I was going to force her son to change his religion (meanwhile he is not even religious and we got married in their church out of respect) and that I didn’t respect her or HER family. She was yelling at me but I tried my best to stay calm and was assuring her that was not the case even though I wanted to tell her to F OFF! Anyway my husband is SUPER close to his mum, his dad is not really in his life, I mean his mum and dad live together but are technically separated and his dad is very quiet and doesn’t have much to say.
My husband talks to his mum everyday, even now that we are overseas, at first it used to bug me but then I got over it and started sending my MIL msgs every now and then asking her how she is, and I think our relationship is fine now. We are not very close but I wouldn’t say I hate her. I think she realised after we got married that I wasn’t ‘taking’ her son away…I’m sure she isn’t happy that we are overseas but that was his choice to come here and I’m sure my parents are happy I’m far away either but that’s life.
I guess I’m lucky in that my MIL had nothing to say about our wedding, I mean she never offered any help or opinion on anything even though I tried to get her involved. After reading the above article I guess I don’t have much to complain about lol
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I’m more confrontational than I perhaps should be, but I also think that it’s important to signal to a bully early on in the piece that you’re not going to be an easy victim.
MIL:“Don’t think I did this for you. I want my son to eat well.”
You: ‘Woah, that’s a pretty abrupt comment, were you joking or have I done something to upset you tonight?”
I know that this approach is not for everyone, but if you can pluck up the courage, then you set up a much better tone for future MIL conversations.
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I’m a big fan of this. Set the tone early.
And out her in front of others. Laugh and take your volume up a notch:
“Did you just say you didn’t do this for me? Really?”
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I always find that commetns like this take me SO by surprise, I am too gobsmacked to think of a response! I sit there thinking “Did she really say that? Or did I misunderstand? I must have misunderstood, no-one could be that rude. But no, that WAS what she said, wow, what a bitch! Gotta think of a clever comeback… hmmm. OK got one…” and by the time that thought process has played itself out, it’s time for dessert and the moment has passed!
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Mzfddsdd,::
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I was so lucky with my MIL. She was a beautiful person who was supportive and thoughtful and everything a dream MIL shoul be. My own mum died when I was 15, and my MIL was my stand-in mum.
Sadly, we lost her 3 years ago this Friday. I miss her!!
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great subject,however remember ladies that are all gooey over their infant sons remember that one day,another women will be number one in his life and you dont want to be the mother in law from hell
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Was just about to comment on this.
My 15 week old son (2nd son, 3rd child) only has eyes for me right now. You know, that period when they look at you so unbelievably lovingly? All of the time?
I am truly cherishing the experience. Yet, at least once a day, I get an overwhelming sense of sadness that one day soon that ‘look’ will be for someone else.
I wonder if some of these MIL’s have never been looked at like that before? Or even since? It’s incredibly intimate.
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Thanks for bringing that up. I just dont get the son thing. I have sons and daughters. I was honestly never one of those women who had to have a son. When they were born I loved them to bits but I honestly dont think the relationship is any different to the one I have with my girls.
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My mother-in-law reads Mamamia. Hi!
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Quick, say something nice!
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So which “anon” did you also post as Lana? Hehehe
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My children are all dating or engaged to lovely partners. I’m eternally grateful they put up with my offspring!
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Thank you so much for telling your story and also for sharing what are possibly the most practical and useful tips for dealing with a monster-in-law that I’ve read. And I’ve read a few.
The only way I survived a terrible number of years with mine was by writing a “cloak and dagger” type series of emails to my family. It was set in a war-torn era and I called my husband the “Defence Minister” and the MIL was “the enemy”. It made us all laugh and was cheaper than therapy
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I think this method is brilliant and you should probably publish the emails
you could make squillions!
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My family said the same but unfortunately I still value my marriage
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Use an assumed name!
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My monster is the FIL
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I am so grateful to have a wonderful relationship with my (not quite yet, but hopefully soon) MIL. She calls to see how I’m doing with work or if I’m feeling better after being sick and calls just to chat and share her thoughts with me. Even on the first day I met her 5 years ago she made me feel like I was already part of the family.
I don’t know how I could deal with situations like the one above. On the plus side, you must be really in love with your partner if you put up with that to be with them!
On the flip side – are there any stories horrible fathers-in-law?
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Shannon, I too have a wonderful MIL like yours. She calls me to say hi, we can chat for hours and value each others opinion,
I’m so grateful for husbands family and for my own, after reading some of these stories in feeling even luckier!
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We moverd interstate to get away from my FIL and his rude comments and crazy girlfriends. I am still the “greedy” woman who made him move for they money. We moved to save our marriage and have struggled on our own, but can be proud of what we achieved. Sadly he doesn’t know his grand kids and is up to girlfriend number 4
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What a dreadful woman! Fortunately my MIL likes me and has always been supportive. My SIL is not so lucky! She married the favourite son and MIL is still trying to adjust! We went to visit her at Christmas and she told me that she isn’t bothering to put up their wedding photo cause she’ll only have to take it down again!!! They’ve been together for 7 years and married for 2!
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I am in this position.
It’s not nice to witness my MIL’s nasty side. Or to continually try to hide it from my SIL
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My poor SIL married into the family a few years before I did and apparently she got the worst of it, even though it has certainly never been easy for me either. MIL would invite them over for dinner at 5pm on a weeknight. When they would explain they couldnt possibly get away from work that early she told the extended family that her sons new wife was trying to break the family apart. Once I was on the scene she started to orgnanise the same dinners again at ridiculous times but at least then both of us were able to stand up to her and suggest 7pm dinners might work better.
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I find my passive aggressive MIL a problem. We are planning a family holiday and several times now she has suggested she and FIL come along to help. This is incredibly nice (she is incredibly nice) and I feel bad saying no. I just want it to be us and the kids.
My FIL will come crashing in on our renovations and change things around, and do things the way he thinks it should be, or try and talk my husband into something we already talked about and decided against. When I use the excuse that it costs too much they offer us money. I feel I can’t say no to his suggestions because FIL is helping out around our house. Did I mention they really are nice?
Tough problem to have, I know
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When we were first married mine would turn up on our holidays unannounced. Surprise! I’m here for a few days to stay with you. And would then begin around 8am with ‘what are you cooking my son for dinner’….um we’re on holidays we’re going out for dinner. Then would tell me that was a waste of money and any wonder we have such a big mortgage, you’ll never pay it off at the rate you waste money! After 3 years I made sure our holidays were too far away from home for that to happen and never gave details!
She has mellowed since she has gotten older, which is nice for both of us, but gee she didnt do herself any favours in the beginning. And of course she was smart enough to only make the insulting comments when her son wasnt around. He honestly didnt see the malice in gate crashing our holidays, which I have worked out is normal in their family. If someone in the family goes away to Avoca or Killcare, which is only an hour and half from home, its normal to have family arrive for the weekend. Uninvited, they just arrive! I think thats rude and being a freeloader, he thinks it sharing with your family. He now accepts that I dont like that and its not to happen. Navigating different familes is always tricky.
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Just for the record not all in-laws are awful. My MIL is a lovely person; we lived with hub’s parents for two years in fact, and as petty as it could be at times I think we grew closer for it.
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Mine gives me plenty of material to blog about.
When she oversteps the mark I either hand the phone to my husband or hang up on her.
She has begun to tell me I seem tense lately, so I simply replied that I wasn’t interested in her opinions anymore. If she could keep them to herself we will get on just fine.
I just have to remember to be a perfect Mother in Law for my sons when they get married one day. Thank god there’s about 25 years for me to practice!
xoxo
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That is the ONE lesson I have learnt from my MIL..how to be a lovely MIL for my own son’s wife in the future and what NOT to do or say! I hope I can remember it when the time comes in 20 years or so.
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Divorce their sons….;P
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Good advice. Except it doesn’t help me. My problem with my mother in law is completely different.
My partner went off the rails for a while there and his family all started to get really really worried that he might not survive this. He did however have the amazing will power to pull himself out of it. Around the same time he was doing this we got back together. He’s now clean and we are engaged with 2 beautiful daughters. But it’s all because of me don’t you know. Just ask mum, I saved him from a life of drugs and turned him into a family man. Pffft.
But now I am this golden child adopted into their family like one of their own because I saved their un savable child. But it’s all a bit much for me some times. Like when I had out first child and she started priding my boob while I was nursing o_0. My own mother wouldn’t do that. But these are just things I have to deal with to be with the man I love.
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I can sympathise with your story. My mother in law called my husband the day after our engagement party to tell him what a horrible person I was for not spending enough time with her at the party (where 150 guests attended and my husband and I barely saw each other trying to talk to everyone) and told him that he shouldn’t be marrying me. I was lucky as he stood up to her strait away and defended me and although we have an unstable relationship with her now, my husband and I have never been more united as a team. As long as you and your partner are united, they can say what they like as nothing can really break a true bond.
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