I discovered my mother-in-law was actually a monster-in-law at my first dinner with the family. She placed a beautiful plate of food in front of me and said: “Don’t think I did this for you. I want my son to eat well.” What followed were constant insults, rejections and once even a threat (she said she wanted to kill me when she thought I had not treated her son properly). I was 20 when I started dating the man who is now my husband and father of my children. Back then I was unsure of myself and overly polite and I continued to be meek and fearful of her for the next five years.
“Your food is so salty. I never need to add salt to mine.” “What are you wearing? You look like a dog.” “That hair colour makes you look like a tart.” “Do you have so many clothes because you like to tart yourself up?” are just a few of the remarks I would have to endure. Comments made to her son in front of me included: “You’re not shaving enough. Send her out to buy your razors.” “You don’t need life insurance because if you die she’s not your problem. The state will take care of her and the children.”
My monster may be a little different from yours. Yours may be passive aggressive while mine is aggressive aggressive. You may have to witness yours belittling her child, whereas I watch mine standing guard from underneath his pedestal, sharpening her claws. Either way, for many people the mother-in-law relationship is hard and you’re not alone if you are having troubles coping.
When you find yourself at the crux of a highly stressful situation, eventually something’s got to give and this happened for me in the lead up to our wedding. Perhaps it was a mini meltdown (or, let’s be honest, a full blown breakdown) but my mother-in-law was taking over my day and I didn’t know how to stop it. I would sob at my parents’ kitchen table, wail to my friends and wake up at three in the morning unable to breathe. Until my sister said: “That woman is going to outlive us all and you’re going to die of an ulcer.” It was harsh but true. I needed to take action immediately. I needed help.
So off I went to a counsellor. I was going to learn how to stand up to my monster, things were going to change and I would take charge of my life. No more hiding. No more panic attacks. Sitting in the waiting room thoughts flowed through my head. What would my counsellor do? Hypnotise me? Role-play? Tell me that actually I wasn’t good enough for my partner? Fifteen minutes in and my counsellor said something that completely surprised me. “I want to meet with your fiancé … without you.” And, what followed was equally as surprising. My partner agreed to go and during the session he had a brain snap. He acknowledged that his mother had been controlling us, her behaviour towards me was unacceptable and he was going to be the one to deal with it. To hear him understand me and acknowledge what I had been through was the greatest thing I could have heard. To know that he was going to take care of the whole bloody mess was one of the most relieving experiences I’ve had in my life. It also made him feel stronger and more in charge and our relationship thrived. There was a light at the end of my monster’s dwelling and I was going to escape into it while my partner led the way.
Here’s what we learned:
1) Only see your mother-in-law with your partner
When invited to family events do you suddenly come down with a cold? Or have an urgent dilemma to attend to, or a work function you can’t get out of? If so you must stop with the lame excuses and face your monster. If you mother-in-law is always dropping in on your partner at work for some one-on-one quality time this also must stop. Why? Because the two of you must appear united. She has to understand that her child is the other half of a team now and she can’t wedge herself in the middle. If there comes the time where she is supportive of your relationship then things like one-on-one lunches are A-OKAY, but in the meantime you two are your own private army.
2) Change your language and conversation
This follows on from point one. Your language must also reflect that you are now a team and you can do this by changing your pronouns. Instead of: “I want to live here,” or “I want my child to attend this school,” say: “We decided it would be best if we move to…” and “We are discussing school options for our child.” If she is rude to you, your partner must pull her up on it straightway with replies such as: “Please don’t talk to her like that. It upsets me,” or “Mum, you’re being rude/unfair.” If she is trying to bully you into something such as: “You must get health insurance/a new car/take holidays with us,” reply with: “Thanks for the suggestion. We’ll think about it.” Then don’t give it another thought.
3) Don’t react
Both of you must stay calm, cool and collected. Don’t give in to tantrums, mind games, silent treatments or bitchy remarks. This might sound silly but try visualising a coat of armour around you. Also, make sure to mentally prepare before you see your mother-in-law by reminding yourself that she can’t hurt you or harm your relationship in any way. Your partner chose you and loves you for who you are. What she says doesn’t matter, but if you react by getting angry or tearful she’ll be able to use that against you and act as though you are over-sensitive or hysterical. At the end of the day you’ll feel better if you have controlled your emotions.
4) Learn to laugh at her
It sounds childish but do this in your head or behind her back. Make the things that used to upset or anger you now amuse you. I’m sure if you think about it enough your monster is a bit ridiculous. Whether it’s her nutty viewpoints, or the extreme way she reacts don’t allow her to bring you down. You and your partner deserve better.
This post was written by a Mamamia reader who does not wish to be named.
How do you deal with your in-laws?
Comments
304 Comments so far
When I was first seeing my husband my MIL went around town telling all sorts of people I was infertile (I was 33), the gossip got back to me through a friend of a friend, she’d told everyone. When I did get pregnant she insinuated that I’d had help (another lie) and told my SIL that I’d got pregnant because they’d been praying for me in her prayer group. I eventually confronted her and she finally admitted it but said her only mistake was that she didn’t think I’d find out.
She’s made many more passive aggressive comments to me and is always trying to manipulate and control every big family event. She even says horrible things about the kids like ‘we’re we really upset that we had another girl and not a son, therfore we didnt have a perfect family’ like their nephew and said my daughter was not personable cause she doesnt hug and kiss her. My husband tries to talk to her she puts on her sweet little voice and says she would never do something like that and he ends up believing her.
My FIL also sat me down when we got engaged and told me that he wanted to make it clear to me that I wasn’t in their will, I wouldn’t expect to be but I also think its really rude to say that to someone.
Now they wonder why I’m never keen to see them and now tell everyone that I’m a horrible person who’s keeping them from their grandchildren.
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What is the monster’s son doing about all this?!?
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He say’s that that’s just how she is, he admits that if she doesn’t know something she will make up a story, but thinks she’s ditzy and doesn’t mean anything. Also she does the victim act and puts on a hurt little voice to him. When he’s not around she sounds like a completely different person. He knows his dad is a bully but the whole family seems to think I should just deal with it.
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Holy smokes. Telling people you are INFERTILE is a tad more than “ditzy”. Good luck with that love. I think hubby might need to wake up and smell the crazy.
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Good for you Anonymous! Congratulations on facing your monster!
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My mother in law is fine now, but I suspect there will be problems when my husband and I start having kids. She believes all forms of day care/after school care are child abuse and has actually written letters to her local member of parliament to that effect.
Meanwhile, I have worked damn hard to get a job where I have decent maternity leave available and the option of negotiating part time work after returning from said leave. Good thing she lives a five hour plane ride away.
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my MIL to be lives a few hours plane ride away as well.. but that doesnt stop many visits and long overnight stays
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My MIL told me sending our children to preschool was a waste of her sons money and I shouldnt be so lazy and look after our children myself.
Sometimes you just have to laugh.
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Oooh, DO be careful… there are significant pros to distance, that’s for sure, but the biggest downside is that they come to VISIT. I sort of miss when they could just pop in and it was a few hours I had to endure not a few days or weeks.
We now have a “max 10day stay” rule on any parent visits (mine too), and there has been some serious SERIOUS negotiating to be done at the time of baby arrivals. When our first was expected MIL kindly informed us that she would be flying in the weekend after bub was born. I wasn’t even out of hospital. We eventually got her to hold off a week, although having her arrive the day I came down with mastitis and frankly broke down with some severe sleep deprivation was SUB OPTIMAL. Bub 2 due soon and I have been very vague about due date, and have put a one month exclusion zone around any visitors. I wish I’d had the foresight to agree on some of these things with hubby before MIL got in his ear first.
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I worry about visits too, but luckily she’s heavily involved in the local community so it’s hard for her to tear herself away from her civic duties a lot of the time, thank goodness.
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Is your MIL Mem Fox?
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My MIL to be isn’t exactly a raging lunatic, but f*ck she’s annoying! My partner and I are recently engaged and this woman CANNOT stop talking to me about grandchildren. To the extent that every conversation we have, she twists to being about giving her lots of grandchildren. Having children is not even on our radar at the moment, and not for at least a few more years until we’re more established in our jobs. Plus I have significant health issues so even getting pregnant is likely be difficult. What can I politely say to her to get her to shut up about it?
And she never says anything about grandchildren in front of my partner – just me. I can’t imagine how much worse this will get over the years and how much more it will upset me.
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Tell her politely and succinctly what you put here and let her know what pressure it’s putting on you.
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Tell her it is none of her business and to shut the hell up!
Okay more realistically, when she brings it up ask her if she could please stop asking you about grandchildren as it’s making you upset/uncomfortable. Then explain as little or as much as you would like to. You could say something like children aren’t a consideration for you at the moment.
Best to sort it out with her now. Good luck!
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Whenever we got the ‘So, any kids yet?’ question, we would answer with ‘No, but we’re having fun practising!’. It tended to shut people up quickly.
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Oh dear. I can only imagine WHEN you DO finally have kids! >:s When it happens, make sure you let her know she is the GRANDMOTHER and NOT Mum! It sounds like she’ll be one of those Grandparents who dictates everything about their new grandchild and believe me, if you haven’t blown up yet, wait ’til the kids come along. My MIL and I got on great before I had a baby. Now, I can’t stand her manipulative ways and un necessary nasty remarks towards me, just because she’s jealous and wants to be my daughter’s Mum. Not my fault she wished she had a daughter but ended up with 3 boys! Move over, Monster! This baby’s MINE and I plan her life until she’s old enough to do so!
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I respect my mil but I don’t like her very much. She raised two teenage boys as a single mother for about 5 years and obviously endured a very difficult marriage with my husband’s father. I admire the strength she had to leave him. I do find it very hard to like her personally however because I find her to be very selfish. Over the years, I would go out and spend a lot of time with my husband and his mum and stepfather, often sacrificing time with my own family. This was because I was keen to form a good relationship with her however she has consistently rebuffed my efforts. Instead of trying to have a conversation with any of us, she regales us with the same stories of her travels or gossip about her friends. Her husband and sons are very used to it and I think were oblivious to it all. After 10 years of trying to not take it personally and being grateful that we weren’t on bad terms, I have had enough and no longer go out of my way all the time to try and make a connection. We have had a first child this year and my mil has made no effort. I can see she loves her grandchild but she doesn’t seem to have it in her to make the effort to come and visit (she lives 20 mins away) or just be a part of it all. My husband now sees her for the type of person she is and is devastated. I tell him it is our role to support her and help her be a good grand parent but inwardly I am so sad that my mil doesn’t seem to want or even know how to be friends with me. There is no animosity but there is no connection either. She seems to be like this with everyone…very sad.
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I agree with you she may just be selfish.
My MIL and mother both carried a heavy parenting burden (for different reasons) and I don’t think they’ve got much left in the tank. Frankly.
In addition to finally putting themselves first, they both also gossip incessantly about people that don’t have anything to do with us, let alone actually know! FWP but honestly drives me bonkers.
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My MIL has never liked me, but I know it’s not personal. She hasnt liked any of her daughter in laws. Her own childhood was so bad that she was never able to form a caring relationship with other females and loved her boys so much that I imagine them forming their own partnerships devestated her.
She was always pleasant enough to my face, but used to bitch about me behind my back and my husband let her.
It all came out when I heard her talking nastily to my kids and got him to intervene. It’s been up and down since. The worst was recently we had a shouting match on the phone (the first in 20 years) and it only got cut off when the phone died. I offered via text to sit down with her and work it out, but haven’t heard back. My husband hasn’t spoken to her since then.
I like your tips, but unfortunately they never really have or will apply to us. I don’t know where to go from here and at this stage, don’t really want to try anymore.
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My Dad’s mother was a terrible mother-in-law. At least once every visit she would reduce my mother to tears. Dad was great, he stood up to her, but she was sneaky, getting in behind his back or doing things like bringing everyone except Mum a gift, or making those backhanded compliments that are really an insult but you can’t call them out on.
My Mum is the sweetest loveliest person you will ever meet, but no-one was ever going to be good enough for my Dad in the eyes of my grandmother (well maybe a tennis/chess/card playing barrister who could cook like a chef, speak German, was rich, thin, politically collected etc).
Dad did everything to help that relationship, but given that he didn’t even really like his mother, in the end it just meant that she only got to see us a couple of days a year. She was awful to my Mum but in the end it only left her alone.
To show how lovely my Mum is though, after suffering through this for 25+ years, it was my Mum not my grandmother’s children who organised her nursing home and looked after her there. She didn’t deserve it but I thank god I have a Mum who is that kind and forgiving.
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This is my mother’s story too. My grandma softened towards my mother in the end – especially as she was there for her (despite the horrible treatment toward her for the previous 30 years) when she realised her own children would never give her the care my mother would.
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That is my story too except in addition to having a mil like that, I also have two sils and 3 bils that live in the same house ( I wasn’t allowed to get married unless I lived in the same house) and unfortunately all of them are like my mil!!! So something as simple as I went to visit my brother for his 18th birthday became a massive issue and when I came home mil laid it into me (because one bil and sil were putting it in mils head how dare I go see my brother I am supposed to come straight home after work). so I go the silent treatment for an hr then I got the shouting all while I could see from the corner of my eye sil was just looking on at what unfolded. my husband stuck up for me but he got told to get lost and they then started on him.
The sooner we can manage to move out the better! I cannot win and I am reduced to tears every other week. I cannot gain weight because of the constant pressure of living at home!! Just don’t know what to do anymore.
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So how do you handle a MIL that still sends gifts to the cousins from her children? Both my husband and his sister have been in the same relationship for over 20 years, and yet their mother still thinks that gifts should come from just the two of them. In my 22 years with my husband i never received a birthday or xmas gift from her. She has only sent one once for her grandchildren. But sent her son money so he could get his car serviced! Glad she lives on the other side of the world.
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My FIL ignore my birthdays too. Gives my husband money for his birthday and Christmas but I don’t even get a card. I don’t expect a present but it would be nice to be acknowledged that I exist on my birthday.
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I have a great MIL (boyfriend’s mother to be precise). My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and in that time, she has been nothing but delightful to me and has made me feel like part of the family from the start.
I am curious to hear from the author as to why her partner did nothing about these very public and rude comments until after he went to the counsellor? I would be extremely disappointed in my partner if I felt that he wouldn’t always stand up for me, even if it is a difficult situation. So much so, that I would start to doubt our future together. Surely he could tell these comments were rude and inappropriate??!!
I also disagree entirely with your first point about not allowing your partner to see HIS mother without you. If my partner decided that I couldn’t see my parents unless he was with me, I’d pretty much tell him to go jump. Presenting a united front is one thing, being controlling is another entirely. Aren’t you just doing exactly the thing that you are complaining your MIL is doing by trying to drive a wedge between them? On the contrary, maybe by them spending some alone time together MIL can be comfortable in the fact that even though her son has a new main woman in his life, he will still have time for his mother. He can also talk about how he feels about you and your good qualities which may allay some of her fears?
I appreciate that you are only detailing your experience but I would be genuinely curious to hear how this made your MIL feel and how she interpreted your actions
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I think the comment about only seeing your MIL with your partner is only while the ‘treatment’ for the ‘problem’ is happening – and it’s meant to be a mutual decision by the couple, nobody is forcing or ordering anybody. It stops the MIL whispering bad things in her son’s ear about you behind your back, and it stops her front saying bad things to you while her son is not around. Definitely could ease tensions all around if that is maintained for a few months! I see it as a process of breaking the bad habits of the past, while changing the way you all relate to each other in the ‘triangle’ – good advice, I reckon!
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Funny how many anon comments there are here? LOL… My MIL is just like most of the MILs here…she is the type to serve a meal of raw fish, oysters, pate and soft cheese if she knows you are pregnant-with a smile (passive aggressive – but can also be aggressive aggressive)…there are way too many stories to share…However I find sharing the stories with a select group of friends and laughing at her evilness it helps me through…
As for the men who don’t stand up to it…I went to counselling in the dark days and discovered that many of these men are passive aggressive themselves and have spent their lives with a domineering mum…they in turn marry strong, assertive or independent women but still never stand up to mum…I bet many of you with hubbies that have stood by and said nothing will find if you display overly emotional or assertive behaviour yourself (eg: in a fight with them about anything) those men switch right off, and often seem emotionally unavailable-tears or screaming just won’t get through…there’s another thing to thank MIL for – that was your man’s way of coping in his younger years with what he percieved as emotional blackmail…I had a fab MIL once, so I have seen both sides!
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Oh you are SO right!! Not sure if you are just observant or have some psych experience, but you’re correct in every point. My MIL is an ex-alcoholic, but still displays the emotional behaviours. My husband can’t cope at all when I ‘lose the plot’, but it’s also hard to get is attention that there is a real problem otherwise.
My MIL is a selfish, controlling PITA, who only cares about her own convenience, beliefs and points of view and makes big trouble when things don’t go her way.
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Holy MOLEY. That was so insightful for me– I feel like I should be paying you by the hour!
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Oh dear, scary stuff. My MIL is a dream. I can complain about her son and she gives sound advice, she makes me dinners when she knows ive had a stressful week, we go shopping together and she spoils me to death. Once in a while there is an issue and she can be a little bossy (she was a little full on for our wedding) but really i cant complain. Im very very lucky….
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I have a great relationship with my ex’s mother, still (she is grandmother to 2 of my kids) and she has filled the breach with my current MIL. In that, she plays grandmother to my 2 youngest, even though she’s not related biologically to them.
I hope that I’m an ok MIL. We get along with my daughter’s partner and my son’s ex told me on the weekend that she misses me (she has major mother issues).
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My partner’s mother falls into the aggressive aggressive category. My partner’s dad died when he was a teenager and she came to rely heavily on my partner to be ‘man of the house’ as he was growing up. So when I came along, her reaction was basically intense jealousy – it wasn’t me that she didn’t like, it was the fact that my partner made me his priority over her. She has spent the five years we’ve been together launching offensive movements to try and get rid of me, and we both just largely ignore her (it became a lot easier to do this once I realised that it wasn’t me that was the problem, but rather, what I represented). However, the straw that broke the camel’s back was when, after announcing that I was pregnant to her over dinner she congratulated us, only to phone my partner on the way home to ask ‘are you sure it’s yours? Get a paternity test, I have always suspected her of cheating on you’. The joke was on her though – he had her on speakerphone so I heard the whole thing. Once this was pointed out to her, she was very apologetic – I guess she didn’t doubt my fidelity enough to want to miss out on meeting her first grandchild as we threatened to do if she didn’t start behaving more kindly upwards me.
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I reckon MM should base their next article from a MIL’s perspective!!
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I am fortunate that I didn’t end up with my ex’s parents as in-laws.
We dated 2 years……but I wasn’t allowed to be in the house if he wasn’t there (he still lived with them being at uni). He was a waiter, so worked at 6am, I had to leave when he did! All I would have done is slept in and left a couple of hours later. No destroy the house!
After being with my current partner for 8 months ans hating the new room-mates, his parents asked me to move in with them for cheap rent so we could save for our own place!
Almost 2 years later we move out in 9 days to a place we bought.
I consider them very much part of my family and they get along great with my parents too!
I never had a problem with either of them, though living in their pocket out of one room was hard. Bad habit (which we all have) got on my nerves a little too.
But they love me apparently
Though I think I will enjoy/appreciate their company much more after I have left.
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My MIL and I have had a wonderful, warm and loving relationship even when I separated from her cheating son after 12 years and three children. Sadly, she is now caught up in the financial issues of the divorce, totally supporting the cheating liar and making false statements about the financial history in the relationship. As sad and devastating as it is to lose the relationship, I do think she’ll miss me and regret the lies she is supporting. Sad to have had a great MIL and end up losing her in the divorce, I miss her way more than I miss him
)
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I had a coupla boyfriends like that. Missed their mum more than I missed them!
Best of luck with the divorce, if one can say that.
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I love my MIL. She is helpful, friendly and NEVER offers me parenting advice. In fact , I have to ASK her for her opinion on things.
I am truly blessed. I hope that when my now 6 month old looks at another woman with those beautiful adoring eyes of his that I can be just as gracious!
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My MIL may not be one from hell, but we don’t see eye to eye on…most things. I married eldest son, who is also the golden child, and now that he has a family he doesn’t have as much time for them as he used to. What happens when we move a little further away than we currently are? We currently live the next suburb over from them and it drives me bonkers most days when it seems they are always over wanting to spend time with our girls, and offers of babysitting while my husband and I go out for a coffee. I know, I know, it’s a first world problem but I work full time and the time I spend with my girls on the weekend is precious to me so handing them over to grandparents (that includes my mother) on the weekend while my husband and I go out for a coffee (which we do at home when the girls are having a sleep or at night after they’ve gone to bed) is not something I want to do.
My MIL and I have had it out, twice now I think, and I went to counselling and I feel liek I’ve made all the compromises but I’ve learnt to be a much calmer person around her now. Whenever I get agitated by her I have to stop and think aobut how my mother would feel when the time comes for my brother to marry (possibly and again) and how she would feel if she was treated badly by her DIL. So yes, I bite my tongue more often than not but my mother didn’t teach me to be submissive, unless my MIL’s mother who is of the school of ‘children should be seen and not heard’ – so at least I know where the teaching comes from!!
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OK not really my business but I get what you’re saying about family time being so very precious at weekends. At the same time though it’s so nice when children can have a relationship with their grandparents. I lost my grandparents as a young kid and missed out and we moved to a new state before my kids were born so they don’t get to see their grandparents enough which makes me sad. Could you in laws help out by having time with your kids during the week when you’re at work? By picking them up from school or creche and having the afternoon to spend time with them before you get home. A friend of mine has this arrangement with her MIL and it works beautifully for them.
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I agree, help is only real help when its on terms that suit both lots of people. When help is only being offered because they’re at a loose end on the weekend, when you could really use some help after work, thats not really beneficial. Genuine help is when its genuinely needed the most and offered freely.
I remember one situation where we had a babysitter already booked and my MIL insisted should would happily mind our children for us instead. She we reluctantly cancelled the babysitter and then she started setting all sorts of restrictions on our night out…we had to be home by a certain time, kids had to be bathed, fed and ready for bed before we left etc….not really helpful at all. Sooo much easier just to pay the babysitter.
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Sigh. Don’t we know these all too well… what a well-written article.
My in-laws are very old fashioned, and my FIL loves me, but MIL is in denial that her daughter is gay. She often introduces me as my partner’s ‘friend’, which to me, is just totally wrong. We’ve been together nearly 3 years, sleep in the same bed, and share a financial relationship. And I’m a friend? It upsets me greatly, because I always wanted to be a part of their family, but now I feel as if I will just always be a ‘friend’ of the family… so to speak…
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Please don’t feel bad about it too much – I’m 21 and have with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, living together with joint bank accounts for 18months (for the last few months and foreseeable future, we’re living with my parents!) and my mother introduces my partner as a ‘friend’. I tease her about it in private, saying that bf and I prefer he was introduced as my housemate
I’m sorry she hasn’t accepted your relationship the way you’d like her to, though. Must be tough.
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It can be tricky. It’s a whole new world. My parent’s had no idea what to call my sisters’ partners once we were bit older. Boyfriend seems juvenile, partner wasn’t really in their vocabulary and also seemed to imply a permanent commitment that they weren’t sure about. in the end, they just came out and asked what they wanted to be introduced as but it took us few years of uncomfortable introductions before we worked out it was an issue.
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I get on well with my MIL even though we have little in common besides loving her son and being keen readers. Above all, my MIL has beautiful manners and would never dream of interfereing. Actually, I’ll correct that – sometimes I think she wants to make a comment about something I do but she bites her toungue. For that, I am very grateful.
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Awesome. That’s really what it boils down to isn’t it? Good manners.
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Having had my fair share of FMIL’s (Future Monster-In-Laws) while dating, I feel very very fortunate that the one I eventually ended up with has turned out pretty normal.
Sometimes – like this weekend when she spent all weekend sewing and hanging curtains for my bedrooms, or when they went guarantor on our home loan – I actually pinch myself at my good fortune (she’s a doer, not a sayer, this turns out brilliantly for me in any number of very practical ways).
Sure there’s been a comment here or there in our 12 year history together (like when she mentioned that naturally I’d want to be losing weight for my upcoming wedding) but I’ve learned that these reflect her own insecurities, and anyway aren’t common or all that hurful. In general we’ve grown towards a mutual respect and even a friendship over the years ….more than I could ever have hoped for.
And lucky for me, since we live around the corner! Not likely to be able to avoid ‘em
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My MIL is a nightmare, FIL has been in the past but better these days. They have constantly interfered in my relationship with my hubby before and after we married. She got so drunk at our wedding she was spewing outside the marquee by 10pm. Usually its not in front of hubby though so if I say something he says she wouldn’t ave meant it that way. When my firt born was only a few weeks old and not settlng well she took him off me and while he was screaming put the dummy in his mouth and pressed his face into her boobs and rocked him. I ended up in tears (very tired and hormonal) and eventually took him back off her a shut myself in my room. We have been close to splitting so many times because of her and her lying and now she says things to my kids, who are too little to be involved. My kids see her but I don’t like them being left alone with them, which doesn’t go down well with my hubby. Would happily never have to deal with her again.
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OMG Anonymous! We may have married the same man…cos your MIL and my MIL sund like the same woman…LOL
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YUCK. I hate it when they do things like that to your kids. My MIL once handed back my newborn absolutely reeking of her vile perfume and covered in crumbs from the cake she had been eating over her poor little face. The minute they left I bathed her absolutely sobbing – oh the hormones and sleep deprivation!
Also what’s with removing screaming bub from mum action? My MIL absolutely loves that shit, and does it to my other SIL too. We both hate it.
Good luck!
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To my mother in law, I’ll never be good enough for her son. She won’t set foot in my house because of an imagined slight 2 years ago. So I just keep moving along and try to ignore her.
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Reading all those comments about bad M’sIL is really sad.
I am very lucky with my in-laws, with my parents-in-law I have a great relationship, they are like parents to me. particularly as mine live overseas. they do every now and then comment on something(but nobody is perfect and it never goes beyond a opinion). but generally very supportive of us, and that also shows in the whole family(my hubby is one of 4 kids), so we are all very close and like catching up on a regular basis.
I literally think every day how lucky I am and appreciate it.
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I am lucky that my MIL is fabulous. Admittedly she lives on the other side of the world and we only see her every 2years, but she usually comes and stays with us for a month or so, and I have nothing but nice things to say about her. Twice she has come to stay when we have had a brand new baby in the house and she helps cook, clean, takes the baby so I can go for a walk or have a sleep, and is incredibly unintrusive.
One thing she did, one of the first times I met her, was to call me by the name of my now-husband’s long-term ex-girlfriend with whom he had only recently broken up, to be with me. She was utterly mortified and couldn’t apologise enough for the slip!
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It seems I’ve been really lucky over the years. I’ve had a handful of long term relationships and have absolutely adored every single one of my boyfriends mothers – to the point that most of them kept in some form of touch with me for quite some time after their sons and I split up and were very sad when the relationships (between their sons & me) didn’t work out…
My now-husband’s mother died before I met him and it really saddens me that I never got to meet the woman who raised such an amazing son.
My own family has always been incredibly important to me and I’ve always made the sort of effort I would expect to be made with my own family with the families of my partners over the years so that may have helped a bit… either way though, there are some wonderful mothers-in-law (and fathers, sisters and brothers-in-law) out there – I thought it needed to be said!
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I don’t understand all these men who LET their mother speak to their partner that way. Why on earth would you be with someone who wouldn’t defend you, even if it was against their mum? I just don’t get it.
Yes, my mother-in-law can be a pain sometimes and my sister-in-law is an unmitigated bitch, but I know that whatever they say, whatever they do, I know my partner is on my side.
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Totally agree! It’s one thing if the MIL is bad but if the partner is not standing up for you completely then it’s a huge issue. I”d be far more worried about the unsupportive partner than the MIL. That, his lack of support, would absolutely be the major concern of mine not the MIL.
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It’s just not that simple. My husband is amazing in every way _except_ when it comes to standing up to his mother. Her particular “mode of attack” is of the passive aggressive variety, so he often doesn’t even notice it’s happening until I bring it up afterwards, at home or in the car, etc. She has endured some tragic things in her life, and she uses these events to prevent her sons from ever ‘calling her’ on things. She’s a victim, in other words. She cries if confronted about anything, and somehow always brings any situation back to her own pain (including my breastfeeding difficulties with my first child, etc– ridiculous).
My husband understands this pattern on an intellectual level, but emotionally, when it gets down to it, he’s powerless against it. I’m too “nice” to confront her myself, but I always feel like I’ve been done over somehow, after the fact.
Despite all this, this particular dynamic is but one issue in the otherwise very happy landscape of my marriage. Worth complaining about? Yes. Worth LEAVING him over? Erm. I think not.
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Anon 2 I could have written your post word for word! This is our exact situation.
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No sorry, not a victim… It’s called MANIPULATIVE and self absorbed! (I have a mother like that – cannot talk to her. She yells back or cries if its too hard/can’t argue a point and turn it around for her own benefit).
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Is her name Marie Barone? (Everybody Loves Raymond) So much of her ‘stuff’ on that show is so TRUE in my experience!!!
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YES! This is who I call my mother in law! I also find her very manipulative and very sly in her comments and actions.
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yep this is almost exactly my situation as well!!
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Yep, your right, it’s not that simple. I could have written this about my wonderful husband and my evil MIL. It is particularly hard when MIL’s are of the ‘passive/aggressive’ variety. If you try to call them out on it they will always tell you they ‘didn’t mean it that way’ and you end up looking and feeling like you’ve done the wrong thing. I think that my husband and I fought for the first 10 years of our married life over comments his mother made. They were the only words of disagreement we had. In the end I let it go and he ended up seeing her for what she really was like anyway. We are still happily married – 25 years – and his mother is still causing problems and she lives 20,000 kilometers away – go figure.
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Great comment. I went for twenty five years with my MIL and sister in law making nasty comments directly to me (often at my own table) and my husband never said a word in my defence.
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Exactly!!! Grow a spine!!! Believe it or not, husbands, your mother will actually LISTEN to what you have to say and WANT to make YOU happy! Stand up for your wives!!!!!!!! GAH!!
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The mother in law who says nasty comments to her sons wife is usually so clever she only ever says it when nobody else is in earshot. Men usually dont get subtlety, and often the comments are subtle. So even if you do repeat it to them they dont get it. It takes a long time, from experience before they begin to see the pattern for themselves.
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I’m pretty lucky, although my future sister-in-law isn’t. And we both have the same mother-in-law. (We got one brother each, we’re not part of some weird polygamy-type situation, just so you know.)
The brother I got is independent by nature. He’s always done his own thing but will happily call on the help of his parents when needed. ONLY when needed. It goes vice-versa too – if they need help, we’re there – but we don’t live in each others pocket.
My future sister-in-law got the younger brother. The one with the umbilical cord still attached to his mum. Despite the fact that he lives with his fiance, mum still does his shopping, washing, cleaning, tax returns, looks after his dog, watches over his bank account etc. If I was his fiance, I think I’d have gone insane!
I think I got off pretty lightly in comparison to what SIL has to deal with. Yes, there are the odd snide remarks about my lack of cleaning skills and the fact that I choose to cook with lots of herbs and spices, but when Husband and I got engaged this is what she said to me. “We couldn’t have picked a better person to look after our son.” Those words meant the world to me and every time she drives me a bit mental and starts trying to re-attach the umbilical cord to Husband, I remember those words and it calms me down. And if it doesn’t, then there’s always valium.
[ http://perthwife.wordpress.com/ ]
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I have always believed that you also marry your inlaws so be very very careful. There was no way I could have married my ex because of his mother, I could not have coped with her.
Of course there were major problems in our relationship also.
But I think you need to really evaluate not only if he is the one, but if your potential inlaws are too.
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Wow.
Apart from the fact that I love Mr W more than anything and sincerely hope that he wants to marry me one day (SOON!), I REALLY REALLY hope we get married and his mother is my MiL. I love her to pieces and couldn’t imagine a better person to be my MiL.
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You’re luckier than you realise! And I really hope he does marry you soon
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My MIL is a very aggressive, outspoken person. She attacked my Mother verbally at my wedding, ordered her out of family photos and insisted that she be allowed to invite her friends we didn’t know so she would be “comfortable” over our own friends.
When our son was born, I was attacked for breastfeeding because it would cut my husband out of the picture. When I suffered from PND she rang all her relatives and told them she was worried I was going to kill her grandson. My husband received frantic phone calls saying I should be sectioned.
I have dealt with her hurtful behaviour by accepting that it is more about her than about me. She is a desperately unhappy woman who has never dealt with any of her issues. I am friendly and courteous, and know I have my husbands full support.
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I am genuinely shocked by the things some MIL’s can say. Criticising your breastfeeding??!! Honestly, there’s a book in this.
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Good grief! You must be one strong lady, Desiree!
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Desiree, your story is very similar to mine, do not ever let her bring you down to her level. As you wrote, it is more about her issues than you. Keep being the lovely person you are.
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You sound lovely and so does your husband, sorry you have to put up with that awful abuse, it must be hard.
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GEEEEEEEEZE what a psycho. You poor thing.
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I used to be really close to my MIL she even said I was a daughter to her and she would confide in me about wanting to divorce FIL. She would tell me how her son was the happiest she had ever seen him. FIL however hated me from about the first meeting cos I wasn’t a meak and mild yes doormat like MIL. He went into one once cos during a conversation it transpired that my partner had actually done the grocery shopping and I said yes he is able to read a list and push a trolley – amazing isn’t it! Went downhill from that point. We both worked full time so did our equal shares. Since we had our son though things went from bad to worse, he got in my MILs ear and they have not seen their grandson since he was 8 weeks old and he is now almost 3 1/2 years old and my partner has nothing to do with his parents. It’s all very sad, his mum is obviously verbally abused and kept “in her place” but we cannot interfere in the marriage.
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it’s so nice to see such a positive story-my MIL was very similar until her passing last year. my kids loved her, but she knew her place was to support my husband and i.
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I think you might need to re-read the above Delia? It is actually not a great situation by the sounds of it.
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I have a pretty good MIL. She has always known to keep her distance, so much so that she has never once dropped in to our house to see her son or grandchildren (we have to visit her) as she doesn’t want to intrude (she comes when she is invited.) She looked after both our children when they were babies when I went back to work. She would also cook us dinner and have it ready when I picked up the kids (yes I know I was very spoilt). All this for free. She always saw it as her responsibility to look after the children. Of course, my children have been spoilt rotten, so much so that I can never cook spaghetti bolognese as I will never match up to my (Italian) MIL’s recipe! This is true. They literally tell me not to bother making it. I have to agree with them. Mine’s crap compared to hers.
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I put up with all sorts of passive aggressive behaviour form my MIL for about 4 years until I snapped one day and yelled at her after a particular annoying comment about my daughter. Then when my husband said I had PND she said I was lying. And continued to assert I was lying despite hubby saying he was there when the CHN did the test. After that I said I wasn’t going to see her anymore but Hubby and Daughter can see her. Hubby then decided he wasn’t going to do that until she apologised. 3 years on we are still waiting.
At the end of the day you have to be a team and your husband needs to stand up for you.
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The mother-daughter in law dynamic is very difficult.
The mark of a healthy mother/son relationship is the ability for both to cut the apron strings. In no way should the wife be made to feel sub-par in comparison to their partner, because a mother in law says so or makes her feel that way. Both partners are equal in importance, their roles in the marriage are as valid as each other (e.g: workplace vs home) and no MIL has the right to treat her DIL as if she is “lucky” to have nabbed her son.
It is the heights of arrogance: that a man is more special in a marriage, simply because he is *her* son. If anything, it is basic manners to show respect to the person your child chose to spend his life with. Anything less is disrespectful to your DIL AND your son. And most women that age should know better.
I have 2 boys and I will be damned if I treat their future partners the way my MIL has treated me: as if I am insignificant, nothing but an incubator and a husband slave. As if I ceased to exist as a person the minute I married her son. Like my sole purpose in life is to make the lives of her son and grandsons as comfortable as possible. Me, though? I am meant to sacrifice all fun, pleasure and comfort, because wives and mothers are meant to serve.
When my sons start having relationships, I will take pride in the fact that I raised them to choose a partner appropriate for them, I will respect their choice and remember that their relationship IS NOT ABOUT ME! I will not invade their personal time or decisions, I will not tell their partner how to parent her children or how to keep the house. I will maintain the healthy view that my sons are adults and they are old enough to make their own choices.
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Hooray! Kudos to you x
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Reading the comments below has made me grateful to be single – no mother-in-law dramas. Having a “monster-in-law” is such a stereotype but going by the comments it seems like there’s a reason.
I’d love to see a counter-post from a mother-in-law. There must be two sides, right?
One of the great things about my brother’s recent marriage has been seeing how my mum acts as a mother-in-law. Mum has really welcomed my brother’s wife into our family and tries to include her in everything, with or without my brother. If I ever choose to marry, I can only hope that my own mother-in-law is half as supportive as my mother is to my sister-in-law.
Why is there no stereotype about fathers-in-law worth discussing on a forum like this? I’m sure there are some shocker stories out there to warrant one.
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It’s because of MIL monsters like this that crappy males are released into society. What a huge shame/embarrassment.
My MIL actually thinks she’s above everyone else and says things like: Ohhh I like him because he’s from the upper class!! As if she herself is upper class!!!! First of all woman! You’re not upper class. Second, there’s nothing wrong with being middle class (or upper class for that matter). Third, your obsession with money (leading you to kick out husband no 3′s kids from HIS house, so you can sell it) is sickening. UGH SAVE ME.
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FFS!!
The plural of Mother-in-Law is Mothers-in-Law.
Same with Sisters-inLaw and all the other family members, like Governors General, Attorneys General.
You’re driving me nuts!!!!
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Settle petal.
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Right with you on this!
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I love my MIL. I am sure at first meeting she thought I was a princess (which I totally can be!!) but she knows how much I love her son and I will always be there to help her when she needs it and she does at the moment. She needs something I will do everything I can to get it for her. She lives a few hours from us so when we visit we do what we can to spoil her.
My husband loves my mother and gets on so well with her. And he is very happy that I love his mother too.
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“Learn to laugh at her” is great advice. I spent too much time stewing & feeling ill over my monster in law, my heart used to race and my stomach would be in knots whenever I heard her voice on the phone. Be the better person, don’t allow her to infect you with her nastiness, or you will find yourself turning into her. My monster is a toxic virus who poisons everyone she comes into contact with, not just family, everyone. None of her four children allow her to know their home addresses, her ex-husband and her son-in-law have had restraining orders against her. It took me a long time to realise her hatred towards me had nothing to do with me as a person, she has a personality disorder and treats most people like this. The silly old thing, she is missing out on so much love and happiness, but she continues to sabotage herself with her anti-social behaviour.
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I have a future mother In-law just like this. Except im pregnant and she tries to upset me as much as she can about her sons first son from a previous marriage and how I need to cater to him so he doesn’t feel any different and she lies uncontrolably to my fiancé about things that we talked about and even says I call her when she calls my phone non stop until I answer. The only way I have found to deal is not to answer. One day she is trying to be supportive and all nicy nice and he next day it’s like she wakes up in a different world.
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I wish I had read this years ago. I applaud you for seeing a counsellor, I was only 20 when I got together with my husband and was not strong enough to manage my MIL who was manipulative and selfish. she took over our wedding and cried so loudly that I could not hear the minister! My favorite was about ten years back when I became seriously ill and was in ICU. She came to visit (having been escorted by the chaplin because she was so upset!) and sat down beside me (tubes and wires everywhere) and told me how I had upset her and my husband by getting sick.
I am a MIL myself now and try so hard to be a good one. I have no opinion about anything, unless asked.
My MIL taught me to be a good MIL through her actions and I try to be grateful for that.
I would urge anybody not to be too hard on their spouse over parent issues, remember your Parents In Law have had all those years to work on your partner.
My mother did not like my choice of partner either and our parent’s hostility bound us to a degree.
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Ha ha, “I have no opinion about anything, unless asked” is a great quote! I’ll out that in my toolbox for when I become a MIL!
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what about the Sister inlaw that marries your brother and try to destroy the whole family, wont allow any of us to see the children.. seems mother in laws always get brandished as the worst in the world, but try having it from another angle… its not much fun either.
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And your brother has no role to play I suppose?
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Oh yes I have a monster of a sister in law. Way too many years of her trying to control and destroy the family and must be the centre of attention.
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Me too me too! My mum has had to deal with depression bc of my sister in law. None of us in the fam see them or their too beautiful kids. My brother is ball less !
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This is me. This is me. This is me. I know horrid mother-in-laws exist but my friends and my sisters are all so lucky to be blessed with the most amazing in laws. My MIL is a nightmare, aggressive aggressive and sometimes passive aggressive and manages to get away with it by chucking a laugh on the end of any horrid sentence.
Like the writer I was just 22 when I started dating my now husband, and didn’t have the life experience to be assertive to her. I was humiliated, often in front of her family and friends, she actually didn’t refer to me by name for the first 3 years of our relationship but as the “loose woman who stole her son” but said with a laugh, which my husband still insists there is no malice behind it.
9 years later I also had my meltdown moment, when she was cruel to my mother. I just realised no matter how polite, how far I bent over backwards (we would give them our bed when they stayed in our tiny 1 bed apartment) she was always going to be horrible to me so why bother trying.
So I learnt to say no. No you can’t come away with us on our first wedding anniversary, no you can’t stay at our tiny apartment for 2 weeks for the hell of it, no my sisters child will not call you Grandma etc. She calls me a b*tch to my face often (with a laugh of course) but she has backed off, she no longer dominates my life to the point of panic attacks. Although I am dreading what she will be like when we have kids……
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She sounds awful! I am so sorry for you that you have to have someone like this in your life. This probably doesn’t help much, but it may be some comfort next time she acts up again.
Her behaviour towards you really says so much more about what she’s like as a person than you. Good grief, I think I would have exploded much sooner! So you’re a patient person to put up with this.
Also, hubby probably deserves some sympathy for having a mother like that. Don’t forget he’s had a lifetime of this manipulation, so he can’t easily see that it’s wrong. He should, at the end of the day, stand up for you when it counts though. Not all the time, cause he should be picking his battles, but when you make it clear that you need support – or it’s obvious that you’re upset.
And when you have kids – that’s when you hold all the cards really, because they’re YOUR kids, not hers. Grandmas don’t have any rights but those given to them by the parents!
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Thank you so much, answers like yours is the reason I love this site!!
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Well my comment is not about my FIL or MIL but about my own father and stepmonster (oops I meant step mother). Some years ago my partner said something to my father and stepmother (about something that was said and done to me) and I recevied a vitriolic letter disowning me and with details about a changed will. I wrote back explaining that my partner did not mean anything , but he wanted me spoken to nicely. For three years this continued until I had twins and suddenly they were back, without a sorry or explanation. While we took them back into our lives, we have little to do with them. Often when my sister comes over for the kids birthday, there is a little dig about not receiving an invitation (neither does my sister, she just comes and spends the day with us).
Lucky for me my parent in law are nice and we have a lot to do with them, which I enjoy.
If only my own mother had lived, she would have made a great MIL and kept my father on an even keel! You can’t have everything – at least I have good in laws!!
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My monster-inlaw is sometimes pleasant, but I will never forgive her for her comment “is it too late to get rid of it?” in reference to our announcement of the pregnancy of youngest child… with whom we had a scare with while in-utero. I am hopeful she will not sink any lower than that, but she can be particularly nasty about other people… so can only imagine what she tells others about us!
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My MIL and I have an *ahem* understanding. I like her and have a lot of respect for her – however, I don’t take orders and while I’ll accept CONSTRUCTIVE critisism, I will not accept outright critisism that has no purpose other than complaint.
I think we both realised how similiar we were to each other (read: stubborn and pig-headed lol) when we first met. My partner’s friends all call her “The Judge” but when I came into the picture I was called “The Boss”. Things went well for the first two years – it was a placid truce… neither of us really pushed each other or disagreed….
Until my son was born last year. When he was about 4mths old, the proverbial hit the fan. I’d been out for dinner with my old workmates the night before and my old boss had offered me a Snr. management position at the company. I’d had to turn it down as it would involve moving thousands of kilometres and my partner leaving his job (which he can’t do until at least August this year due to his contract).
However, while out for lunch with the MIL the next day she asked how my dinner had gone. I’d lamented the fact that I had to turn down a job offer and was feeling a bit upset about it. She asked how I would have managed to work with a baby and I’d made the comment that my partner could stay home with him. Um… that didn’t go down well… the “discussion” continued for a while before ending with her waving a red flag in front of a bull with the words: “Why did you have a baby if you wanted to go straight back to your career?”
I saw red. I was SO angry at her at that moment and certainly made my thoughts on the subject known. I didn’t yell, I didn’t swear. When I get angry I go very quite and use what my mum calls my “headmistress” voice. I explained in GREAT detail exactly what was wrong with the double standard of expecting the women to always stay home and that just because you have kids, doesn’t mean you give up your own identity, dreams or enjoyments. In the end, she apologised for her statement and for the double-standard she’d imposed on us.
Since then, she’s tiptoed around certain subjects with me. I think she’s hesitant to give me a reason to fire up at her again. I do love her, but if I won’t take orders or complaints from anyone when my own mother doesn’t treat me like that (she has treated me as an equal since I started working).
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What the hell? You needed a counsellor to tell your husband to stick up for you? This kind of support SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING. I really don’t know how your husband put up with his mother’s criticisms of you. Thank God he has been told how to be a man and curb his mothers remarks. Truly discraceful of the MIL.
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Agree. As she was only 20 years I’m guessing her partner was also young. But how could he have allowed his mother to treat her so appallingly????
DIsgraceful. I would have been very concerned about marrying him, not just about the MIL
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I also had the most horrid experience with my boyfriend’s mother – and was also 20 when we met – seems to be a common thrad. However still after 9 years, she says horrible comments dropped into the stream of conversation about me in front of my partner- and my partner says nothing. It because he doesn’t actually hear them – he learnt to tune her out long ago – so I hear them and he’s actually thinking about what he’s going to have for lunch – I suspect that is quite common & why many of these guys don’t say anything back. Now we live in a different state – it helps.
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My mother in law invited her friends over to OUR house for morning tea so she could show off ‘her sons house’ to them. She was coming over anyway to see the grandkids, but when she arrived mentioned to me that she had her friends coming over at 11 so I had better tidy up and make it look perfect for them. That one still has me shaking my head. My husband told her off for it (he was at work) but she couldnt see that she did anything wrong because it was ‘her sons house’.
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We had just finished a renovation so I can see how her friends might have been interested in seeing what it looked like. All she had to do was ask first.
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holy crap!! why wouldnt u say something? I would be like ‘sorry, but I was not asked abou this, please arrange this with me, as this is not just your sons house it is also MY house! tell your friends they can come back when it suits ME, not YOU!! and clean it up yourself if its not fucking clean enough”…. but I’m seriously hormonal right now cos im pregnant and having a bad day….so probably shouldn’t take advice from the crazy pregnant woman right now! haha but seriously…dont take shit from MIL, if they think they can get under your skin, they will always do it, and u need to put them in their place
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I am pregnant and have a monster Inlaw and I don’t think it’s crazy at all I think out of everybody you said it best!!!!!!!!! Applause to you girl
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I’ve had this happen. MIL turned up unannounced (as ALWAYS) and proceeded to show someone through our house (me with 3 little kids and renovating too) – and I heard her say “this is kind of a boy’s house!” – as a way to explain the clutter and mayhem. She never ever rings to say she is coming and is always very upset when we aren’t free – who with 3 kids is just free whenever to drop everything? Oh, and the other thing (don’t get me started!) when we are away she asks to stay at our house, and then rearranges my entire pantry, bathroom, drinks all of our wine etc – I hate it, but how can you say “No, you can’t stay in the house” (they live 4 hours away). Grumble grumble grumble.
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YES! Mine came to stay once for a few days to ‘give me a hand’ when I had a newborn and toddlers. I went out for a Drs appt and came home to find she had rearranged the pantry and placed lace doileys on our furniture! She had bought them with her obviously planning to transform my decor so it was more in keeping with her taste.
Would have loved to put her in her place about the morning tea visit, but I know how she works. If she had to ring them to cancel, I know she would NEVER have admitted I knew nothing about it, she would have made me look like a bitch who just changed her mind at the last minute. Her friends always tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful MIL, they seriously have no clue about the hell she puts my SIL and me through.
Another one, I had just come home from an overnight stay in hospital for minor surgery. She came over to visit, literally as I got out of the car. All I wanted to do was have a nap so I went and had a lie down. Leaving her with my husband and kids. She came into my room and told me to get up and serve lunch and stop being such a princess, she was hungry.
When I told my husband (again she strikes when he’s not within earshot) he was furious with her and sent her home. She sulked for a few weeks after that one.
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WTF???!!! I honestly cannot comprehend this behaviour. Who does that? Shocker.
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My MIL did this too! It was when my first child was 6 months old, and I pretty much hadn’t had a full night’s sleep the entire time, and THE LAST thing I wanted to do was have two of her friends, who I had never met, over for morning tea!! Crazyness indeed.
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Lu, I feel your pain. My MIL is wonderful and would NEVER do that to me but my mum used to cop it from her MIL.
My Grandmother used to ask people over to see our house, as mum and dad built a house when I was a kid. They took people for tours around our new house to entertain them. It went on for years.
My mum used to get so wild about it and yet, she does it to me now occasionally. She usually want to bring all her relatives over to entertain them, it isn’t about seeing us – it’s about seeing where we live.
Insane!
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Wow. A whole thread devoted to women tearing each other down. There are always two sides to every story. This article presents just one side, and then facilitates contributers to do the same to the women they hate in their own lives.
We havnt come very far have we?
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To be fair, I would suggest that one side (at least!) comes from a nutcase. Everyone has one territory which they can get unreasonable over – its only natural to consider that some of those peoples are mothers/fathers/sisters etc who dont like their relatives choices in partner.
I do usually consider that two sides need to be heard but comments about parenting/weight/appearance etc (from the stories in the other comments) probably dont require the other side. Is there any justification for these things, which would change how horrid these comments are?
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Kate thats really not fair.
I went into my relationship with my MIL openly and honestly hoping it would be lovely. Unfortunately her jealousy made that impossible. She has treated my SIL terribly too. But the biggest eye opener is the way her own sister treats her daughter in law. She is even worse to her. I think some families just have overbearing dominating women who are very hard to deal with unless its completely on their own terms.
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A little off topic, but the last point reminds me of Harry Potter’s “Riddikulus!” spell to banish boggarts. Perfect way to banish your fears
Imagine them dressed ridiculously.
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Hahaha laugh out loud funny, will keep that in mind next time I see my MIL
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My son is 9 and is the love of my life. And I his. It’s just the two of us and we are very close. I can’t imagine what it will be like when he decides someone else’s opinion is more important than mine, or that he would rather spend all his time with her than me. Having recently split with his father, I wonder if it will be similar to the pain of that rejection. I still matter, but I am no longer the most important person in his life.
I think it must be like this for some MILs. And when you feel displaced like this, all the insecurities and insanities come tumbling out. It’s not excusable to treat someone this way, but maybe it’s understandable. And let’s not forget that not only does she have to cope with her change of status in her son’s life, she has to welcome this woman into her family and her life, and love her. It’s a big ask. Especially if she is not the most stable or secure of personalities – no wonder it’s a minefield.
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It is disrespectful to the son to be rude to the person he had chosen as his life partner. if you have raised him right, he will make a good choice. It just might take time for you to see it!
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But that’s life. You have to cut your son free and allow him to live his life. That’s just the natural progress.
They, the mothers, have to have their own lives, not just live through their sons (or daughters).
If you don’t start living independently from your son at a reasonably early stage, you’re going to smother him and stop his maturation. You want your son to grow up to be an independent, strong, healthy man not a mummy’s boy. That is where your focus should be.
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I didn’t marry until my late 20′s, so I was very independent.
I lived alone, in a rural community, managed huge accounts in advertising and was loving life .. I thought this would transfer to my married life on the farm …..
WRONG!
Every cent was watched …. the local shopkeeper used to tell my MIL weather I’d been in to town and how much I’d spent … soooooo… I decided to make her a cake … chocolate to be precise.
Every single ingredient required a separate trip into town .. flour, cocoa, butter, milk, sugar, icing sugar blah blah.
I presented her with the cake, which she was very grateful for … and sat back and sent pleasant thoughts her way when she visited the local shop owner the following day …
JUST SAYIN!
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I thought you were going to say you sh*t in it like Minnie does in The Help!
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Me too! Lol.
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why was I thinking she added laxatives to the icing..I would have.
My MIL and I tolerate each other. We are cordial for the sake of the children and out of respect for my husband and his dad. i cant stand her holier than thou attitude and personally I could do without her snide comments, constant negativity, lack of affection towards anyone but the dog (and it explains why my husband took so long to open up and be the great man he is). NOT ONCE have I ever heard her say anything nice about anyone or not have a negative comment,nor tell the kids that she loves them. it’s a good thing they are nomads and visit very infrequently.
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