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break up1 10 reasons to leave your lover after 3 years

You mean we have to stay together 3 years IN A ROW???

Has your partner put on weight recently? Do they leave nail clippings on the bathroom floor? Do they snore? Wear unfashionable underwear? Because really you might want to think about kicking their arse to the curb.  Don’t even wait another day.

Remember the 7 year itch? It’s gone.  Replaced by the 3 year itch.  Because you know we are so busy, we can’t even wait 4 more years to start scratching.

A survey of 2,000 British adults in a study commissioned by Warner Brothers to promote the release of comedy film “Hall Pass” in UK cinemas shows that most steady relationships marked  36-months as the time when relationship stress levels peak. The study also showed a trend of more girls or boys nights out even solo  holidays away from partners to keep the romance alive. According to a Reuters report:

“The poll compared feedback from those in short-term relationships (defined as less than three years) and people who were married or in longer-term partnerships.

The findings showed that 67 percent of all of those surveyed said that small irritations which are seemingly harmless and often endearing during the first flushes of love often expand into major irritations around 36 months.

More than half of the Brits surveyed (52 percent) who were in younger relationships said they enjoyed sexual relations at least three times a week, compared to just 16 percent of those in relationships older than three years.

This suggests that as we get older together, romance gives way to day to day practicalities, supported by the fact that 55 percent of busy people in longer-term relationships admit that they now have to “schedule” their romantic time.

The report also said that those in the first flush of love can look forward to an average of three compliments a week from their partners – a figure which falls to an average of a single weekly compliment at the three-year high tide mark.

The prognosis gets worse the longer we stay in relationships, three in 10 of those surveyed that have been in a relationship for five years or more said that they never receive any compliments from their partners.”

The top 10 passion-killers:

1. Weight gain/lack of exercise, 13 percent;

2. Money & Spend thriftiness, 11 percent;

3. Anti-social working hours, 10 percent;

4. Hygiene issues (personal cleanliness), 9 percent;

5. In-Laws/extended family – too much/too little, 9 percent;

6. Lack of romance (sex, treats etc.), 8 percent;

7. Alcohol – drinking too much, 7 percent;

8. Snoring & anti social bedtime habits, 6 percent;

9. Lapsed fashion-Same old underwear/clothes, 4 percent;

10. Bathroom habits – Stray nail cuttings etc., 4 percent.

How long have you been in your current relationship or how long was your last relationship?  What are the little things that kill the LURVE for you?

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217 Comments so far

  1. Lara

    Sorry but my only single friends are typically lively people but are very selfish, fussy and superficial. I think this article says it as it is.. No wonder blokes never commit.

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  2. ads

    I have been with my husband for nearly 5 years, married nearly 3 and I do have to admit the niggles are starting to show. We seem to get a lot more “snippy” or at least more open about those things that bug us about the other but we are a far cry from splitting. No marriage is perfect every day. I still love my husband with all my heart and he can still melt my heart with a kind gesture or by doing something completely foolish but adorable.

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  3. mon

    Being with one person all your life is highly unnatural & has been romanticised by movies, religion, etc. Truth is, once you see each other flossing teeth, the romance is over. Or as Kath & Kim say: O-V-A-H!

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  5. kateharris

    A month ago I split with my boyfriend of three and a half years. We lived together and after 6-12 months of pretty ordinary times we decided to call it quits.
    One of the reasons I persisted was articles like this. Many people I spoke to also said that it was normal for a relationship to become less exciting, particularly physically and socially as it progressed and thus I continued to stick it out.
    After living with my partner and being together for such a long time, I also worried about what my future would hold and how I would manage such a dramatic change in my life.
    After finally taking the plunge, I haven’t looked back. I have since realised how much of my individual identity had been as I had thrown so much of myself at the relationship in an attempt to repair it. I have spent the last month learning a lot about myself as a person and reidentifying with who I am. In the heat of the relationship, I was unable to realise how unhappy I really was and have also realised it also negatively impacted on a number of health problems I also had at the time.
    When I split from my partner, I felt that I was a failure. My partner was not abusive, violent nor did he fit into any of the categories about which also made it difficult to definitively justify our break up. There are so many relationship self-help books and I felt that I was not committed enough to make this work. Whilst one does need to make an effort and compromise in a relationship, it is also not worth for your physical and emotional wellbeing, pursuing something that you don’t think can work.
    Every relationship is different and I think it is important that you are honest about what you value and desire from your partner and what you can also provide for them. I believe it takes just as much effort to make a relationship work as it does to walk away from one that has been a fundamental part of your life for a period of time. For others going through a rough patch in your relationship, be strong and ignore the external pressures and expectations and look after numero uno. Only you know what will truly satisfy you and what you will find adorable rather than irritating for the rest of your life.

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  6. Stephanie

    Desperately needing advice…
    Have been with my boyfriend for 3 years (practically to the date) and it is funny that this topic should come up.
    The last 6 months have been tough – lifestyle changes from uni to work, he had a sibling die 2 years ago who was 17 – changing friends – still having high family involvement in our lives, he still lives at home @ 21 etc etc
    So recently it got to a point where out of pure frustration I said I was walking away…he said fine, your choice your a smart young girl who will make someone else happy. Then in the same sentence asks how to get me back and wants to kiss me.

    I said no and we didn’t talk for a few days. Now everything has changed. He is treating me like crap, acting as though I’m annoying, won’t sleep with me, write back to text messages or anything BUT he still comes over, sleeps over, spends time with me.
    If he doesn’t like me so much anymore why is he hanging around?
    It’s not like he is even hanging around for sex.
    I just need to know:
    A) Is there any way of going back from hitting the 3 year wall?
    B) Is he just punishing me for a while cause he’s upset I broke up with him?
    C) If I act like I don’t need him so much will he regain interest?
    Were both only 21 and everyone keeps saying that as soon as it gets hard get out cause we don’t need this – but I think that’s very defeatist. We are planning to move out together at the end of the year, so how do we reignite things so that that still happens?

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    • Grace

      He is acting that way because he is scared. You threatened to break up with him and he’s waiting for you to do it again. I think you should stop messing with him and leave the relationship, if its meant to be you will find your way back, no point hurting both you and him in the meantime.

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    • Grace

      He is acting that way because he is scared. You threatened to break up with him and he’s waiting for you to do it again. I think you should stop messing with him and leave the relationship, if its meant to be you will find your way back, no point hurting both you and him in the meantime.

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    • Lara

      don’t walk. Run.

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  7. Emily

    I have a guilty mind today as I had to have a talk with my partner regarding him putting on weight. The snoring, the chubby cheeks, it’s only got worse as the poor bugger eats and drinks more and becomes more comfortable in our relationship.

    Has anyone else had to do this?

    It actually had hardly occurred to him, even though I had dropped so many hints I may have well have said months ago “Lose weight and don’t put it on again!”

    I have literally found it hard to look at him the past week and had to put him and myself out of our misery by having the awful conversation.

    But yes a passion killer it is.

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    • Brett

      Wow.
      Have you ever wondered about if you put on weight, or, God forbid, your appearance changed in any other way? How would you feel if your partner reacted the way you’re reacting?
      I love my partner. She could put on 100 kilos and I’d still love her just as much.
      But that’s just me.

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    • ekd80

      Having been the female recipient of the “I don’t want to have sex with you while you are this fat.” from my husband let me tell you that it does not make you want to loose weight, nor is it a good reason to loose weight! All those kind of discussions do is create hurt feelings and make you feel unloved. If you love you your partner get involved in exercising and eating healthy with them instead of making them feel inadequate.

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    • Anonymous

      I met my husband when he was quite big. He has since lost about 40kg and put on about 20 again. Never have my feelings for him changed. I am happy when he looses the weight because he is happy and I am unhappy when he gains it because he is so down on himself. I sometimes feel that if you love someone their physical appearance becomes almost irrelevant. My only concern when it comes to my husbands weight is his health

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  8. Eliska

    To be fair I have a boyfriend who is cleaner than me , he cooks and does the dishes and takes out the rubbish.He does the laundry and mows the lawn.

    He says I am lazy and it is true.I always lived with my parents and am a bit spoiled. I was insulted when he said I was lazy but I can see that now. I don’t pick things up , I put things off and whinge a lot.

    I am lucky to be with someone who helps in the household. I really need to get off my arse.

    Btw, he is not trying to make me do all the work,just wants me to go 50/50.

    :)

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  9. Eliska

    He eats Jatz one by one out of the packet and the munching is so loud.

    He picks the skin off his finger nails and toe nails.

    He makes these weird poping noises in his throat when he sleeps.

    It wakes me up and I want to smother him with a pillow.

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  10. Melissa

    Considering last week’s post about emotional abuse, I think that’s my dealbreaker, along with addiction and disregarding or showing contempt for my feelings.

    I feel like a lot of these are not that trivial (except maybe #9 and #10) and are actually quite serious and symptoms of deeper issues in the relationship or your lives (overwork, weight gain, alcoholism)

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  11. Lily

    I’ve got a problem to throw open to the floor: I’ve been married a couple of years and am in my late 20s. Any my husband is fantastic in almost every way – except, his lack of sex drive. Rarely wants sex. Agrees to it every now and then to keep me happy (although, it’s not often enough to keep me happy, but I know he’s trying) but I think if it were up to him it’d be once every few months max. He says he’s always been that way, and I believe him. At first I wondered if he was secretly gay, but I’m pretty sure he’s not. Then I thought it was me, but I don’t truly believe it is. He works long, exhausting hours and is generally a placid guy although work stresses him out. I think he just genuinely doesn’t enjoy sex as much as other guys. I know I have the opposite problem than most other women but would be interested to hear of anyone else who’s experienced anything similar?

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    • Anonymous

      You could have mine for a while if you like?! We have the exact opposite problem in our house so I’m afraid I can’t help. Sorry Lily, hope you guys can reach a happy medium (and if you do, can you let me in on the secret) :)

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    • cos

      my best friend had the exact same problem with her husband. This is how they got around it. They agreed that sex could ALWAYS be a quickie. That way she was getting the sex that she needed and he wasn’t required to give the whole ’3 courses’ every time it happened. So they just went with that agreement for quite a while. It took the pressure off him because he didn’t have too much expectation on him and she was happy because it meant their sex life had improved (not awesome but at least they were having semi-regular sex). Over time the regular contact help reconnect to putting him in the ‘mood’ for more.

      Hope that helps some.

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    • Saffron

      Hi Lily, yep you and me both :-)

      I’ve been with my husband for seven years, married for three. I was used to guys wanting it ALL the time but not my husband. It really bothered me in the early days and I would sulk and carry on but I am sort of used to it now. We also have two children (youngest six months) so it isn’t high on my agenda at the moment anyway. I thought the same thoughts as you: is it me? is he gay? was he like this with all his ex’s? I don’t have any solutions for you though. FYI he is 39 but was 32 when we met.

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    • Anonymous

      I’m In the same boat it sucks!

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    • Scarlett

      I would first check whether he is getting his fix from another woman or from the cyber world. If he isnt then I think both of you should go see a sexual therapist together. Everyone has peaks and lows in their sex drive but I think what you’ve described is a bit unusual. I dont want to frighten you but the reason why my now ex partner stopped having sex with me was because I found out later he was cheating on me. You’ve only been married a couple of years and are both young and presumably healthy so it is unusual, particularly for a male. What I’d like to know is has your husband always had a low sex drive or has it diminished over time?

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  12. Glory Fox

    I’ve been to a conference recently where there was a key speaker discussing loneliness.

    The fact that it is so much easier for all of us to walk away from relationships (friendships, lovers, family) than every before means that we will have a much lonelier society. To the point that loneliness will be something we need to plan for in the future.

    I was speaking about this with a colleague – she’s been married for 24 years. Her advice was fantastic; “Honey, there are a lot things that are more worse than having an ordinary relationship.”

    A very good point I thought. Marriage, in the end, can be a practical solution to social problems. It can provide decent financial, moral and social support. If it’s not abusive or violent, but merely gets a bit boring or unsexy overtime, is it really worth walking away from?

    Just a thought.

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    • Najla

      Fantastic post.

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    • Kris2040

      It’s also possible to be incredibly lonely whilst in a relationship. Why stay and be miserable with someone you don’t love or who doesn’t love you when you can cut and run and be happy on your own terms?

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      • Anonymous

        So so true Kris

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      • Elisha

        I agree completely, Kris. I have never been happier since cutting loose from my lonely, patently unsatisfying relationship of 7 years about 18 months ago. I have rediscovered my identity, reclaimed my independence, taken back control over my life. It will take a VERY special man to get me to commit to a relationship again, but I don’t actually see anything wrong with that. I believe strongly that if the sum is not greater than the parts, why bother? And I try not to worry about other people judging me as selfish or inflexible or uncompromising – hell, if I am those things, a relationship is not going to make me (or a poor partner) happy anyway!

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        • Kris2040

          Yep. I’ve been surprised at how many people have said “Oh you’ll find someone else” since bub’s dad did his disappearing act, and how they think I put up with stuff just to have someone around. I’ve never been a big relationship person who felt the need to be in one. I like my own company, and if I meet someone who likes my company and I like theirs, tops. If not, it isn’t the end of the world. People still seem dubious when I say I was quite happy with a casual relationship. I guess we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lacking if not in a relationship, and it just isn’t true for many of us.

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  13. Zoe

    Haha this is hilarious. My husband and I argue pretty often, but we never fight – if that makes sense. We don’t let things build up – if it’s on our mind, we say it.

    Having said that, I’d say things that could cause me to leave (I hope I never do!) would be his long working hours, and the various problems they bring.

    Having said that, things that could cause him to leave me are plenty! Particularly my ridiculous shopping addiction, hopelessness with money, leaving wet towels on the bed, being generally messy and bad at housework – the list goes on! I’m very lucky!

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  14. Faybian

    The biggest potential deal breaker my hubby did was to get a loan for a motorbike without discussing with me. To make matters worse he lost his license on it and had to sell it to try to avoid jail ( which was what the judge said saved him). Things were not pleasant. However he has helped raise my older kids, putting up with a lot of crap from them, so much so that they legally changed their surnames to ours. For me the real deal breakers would be abuse, addiction, repeated infidelity the big ones.

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  15. Anonymous

    I recently left after 27 years. We were the perfect couple. We spent our life avoiding confict by not arguing. The problem was, in order to not argue, my opinion was never expressed or taken into consideration when decision had to be made.

    What killed the lurve – his inability to see that things were not good, the fact that he didn’t see it coming and that it was my fault for not ‘knocking him over the head and pointing it out to him’ everytime he was insensitive.

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    • Flutterby

      Don’t worry too much Anonymous. I told mine till I was blue in the face. When I left after 12 years, he still said he never saw it coming.

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  16. KitKat

    Oh my lord – I can put up with the tiny things. Let me know how you deal with someone whom everyone thinks is perfect and yet you know in your heart they’re lettin you down in so many ways. I’ll have at least one comment then! :-P Love ya work Mia x

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    • Mattie loves to read

      I think we’re married to the same man.

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  17. Anonymous

    tick tick tick tick tick….oh dear all of the above

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  18. Rose Russo

    My last relationship was for almost 6 years. I ended it almost 3 months ago. Hardest decision I ever made and am still trying to get over it as we still work together, and I live in our apartment.

    Things that kill the lurve…

    1. Trying to control your partner
    2. Making your partner feel guilty for seeing his/her friends
    3. Constant degrading comments about things you’re proud of
    4. Jealousy
    5. Not getting along with his/her parents or friends

    I’m sure there’s many more!

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    • ads

      ouch! I think I am guilty of number 2 of your list! Must remedy that because I love my husband too much to allow that to become an issue. Thankyou :)

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  19. ineedaname

    4 years and yes there are the odd times when all the typical things annoy me, never changing the bins, not noticing when things need doing, never noticing or doing anything about been out of milk until its too late and never putting things away,but I figure as long as the big issues are ok then thats whats most important. More than likely you will just leave these habits to find the next person has the same ones or similar.
    I try not to sweat the small stuff although sometimes it can be very hard!

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    • Anonymous

      I try not to sweat the small stuff as well but I did ban my husband from chewing gum as I said it made me nauseas. The real reason was he is a gum smacker and it was horrible!

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  20. Ames

    What is it with guys and freaking nail clippings?

    My boyfriend cuts his nails anywhere and everywhere and doesn’t pick them up or anything. It’s gross.

    We’ve been together for three years and still going strong.

    The little things like nail clippings and wet towels on the bed can be annoying but it’s all about perspective.

    I think he’s still damn fine. I love and like him including his habits, no matter how weird or normal they may be.

    We just puzzle.

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  21. Louise, aged 15

    Un clearness is a definite killer of love. Because I totally over think everything…

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  22. Shannon

    4 years. Uni and work kills the love. Not his uni or work. Mine. And it doesn’t kill the love quite so much as it makes me really in no mood for physical love. So I always try extra hard to show him how much I appreciate him putting up with me.

    But other than that, I think we’re pretty good =)

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    • Anonymous

      I have been pretty uninterested in physical love since we had a baby over a year ago. Mostly because I am tired and he works shift work which can make things difficult. Its still there, just a little less regular. As long as you talk about it they understand. As long as he knows its not HIM!

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  23. Michele Clune Oakley

    i am 50 and getting sex every night when i dont have my daughters. how about you? i love it. i am single. happy. have two teenage daughters who are here for a week every fortnight. the off week i have sex, lots of it. loving it. and frankly i dont care how tired i am, i just want it, i need it. when i was married it was all too boring, and maybe thats because we had two young children, and i was tired. or maybe it was because i wasnt into my husband. all i know is its great to be 50 and sexy. yahoo

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    • Michelle

      TMI

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    • Anon

      I’m pleased for you but what does it actually have to do with the topic…

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      • RaRa

        Who cares, it busts the myth that as you get older you should just curl up with a good book. Good on you!

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  24. Poss

    My partner has suddenly developed really bad table manners. we moved in together a year ago and I have only just started noticing. Im a bit worried about what his mum will say when we go and stay with her next week!

    its ok to nag about the toilet seat, nail clippers and those sort of things but I somehow dont feel right about telling him his table manners are terribe.

    Most of the time it is just the 2 of us eating dinner and so you are a bit more relaxed but he routinely licks his plate (with his finger not his tongue) and often licks the knife and eats his meal 3 mouthfulls at a time.

    I know his mother would die if she saw him eating like that so i know he knows how to eat properly.
    Not a major deal but it surprised me how i feel i can nag him over other things but for some reason nagging about his table manners doesnt feel right.

    has anyone had this situation?

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    • canberramel

      I guess it means he really enjoys his food!! :)

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    • Michele Clune Oakley

      honey who cares

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    • gypsy

      Yes, I experienced that once with a boyfriend and it really irked me! It started off with noticing the bad table manners then spilled over to noticing many other sloppy behaviours which he thought were fine and I really didn’t like. It sounds petty, but it indicated that we weren’t on the same wavelength on lots of levels and I realised that in time with more major things too. Needless to say, we didn’t last and now I am happily married to someone who doesn’t lick the plate!

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    • Me

      Uh oh that sounds like me !!

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    • Poss

      I don’t really have a problem with it-he is just being a bit less well-mannered than he used to be and I don’t know what the line should be between what is acceptable ‘at home’ and what is acceptable ‘in public’. I was just merely musing at the fact that there are things I feel I can nag about and things I feel only his mother can nag about.
      He is perfect in every other way-cooking cleaning etc. one of the benefits of having a boyfriend who’s mother is a school teacher-he is whipped into line!
      Maybe I should take it as a compliment-that he likes my cooking 

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      • Anon

        You could make a joke of it, like ‘babe I know you love my cooking but there’s no need to lick the plate’ and then he’d get the hint without you nagging him about it? :)

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      • Wendy

        Me, I care. Particularly elbows on the table.

        My children hate me on that one.

        Probably one of the first things I told hubby not to do….

        Difficult when the kids friends stay overnight and I say elbows of the table (to mine). Amazing how many kids who have awful manners (decorum?) who also guiltily take their elbows off the table when I tell my kids to. …So instead of mentally deciding the parents must be heathens, the only real assumption can be, the kids are still learning…

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    • RaRa

      Sweet, my husband came to the table in his underpants the other day – a new low.

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    • AlyssaKT

      why are you worried about what HIS mother thinks of him? It’s hardly like she can blame you. The only question is can you put up with it? Sounds like you can, but don’t want to.
      So, just as his behaviour isn’t a deal-breaker for you, you asking him not to won’t be a deal-breaker for him.

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  25. Gisele

    Tick: Numbers 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9 and 10.

    I didn’t leave him after 3 years, but after 25, and those 8 things were certainly a part of why the LURVE was gone.

    I feel vindicated :-)

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  26. Spoonerist

    I’m still nauseatingly in love with the Welshman after six years, but whenever any of these things pop up I joke with him that it’ll probably unravel us later in life…

    - He doesn’t use gladwrap. Items go straight into the fridge, uncovered – and we all know how rubbery and strange food goes when it’s left to bask in air a la fridge.

    - When the bin starts getting full, he knots the top of the binliner, then leaves the bag sitting in the bin. I mean, what IS that?

    - His aim isn’t very accurate when he’s not wide awake. Hence, a nice damp area in front of the loo first thing in the morning. Mmmmm lovely.

    Though having said that, he’s incredibly domesticated in every other way – I’m a very lucky girl!

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  27. girly world

    I hate that neck crack thing people do – you know the one, tilt head and shoulders, reach head around the other way. Always reminds me of some sort of demented animal in the vets trying to lick its own arse. Serious deal breaker – obviously my husband of 13 years does not do it. He is pretty perfect really ;)

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    • Jenna

      Thanks. Now have a mental image of a dog trying to lick its own arse. And I’m NOT a dog person. ;)

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  28. Better be anon

    I think the key component here is that when the little, niggling things outweigh the other things they do…then the relationship is probably over.

    My husband’s annoying habits only become more grating as our relationship deteriorates. I truly believe that both of us use these small (sometimes not so small) things because it’s easier to deal with them than deal with the hugeness of trying to fix our relationship. They are a tangible element I can point to rather than the harder to pinpoint and harder to describe elements that are probably way more important.

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    • Michele Clune Oakley

      i think you may be right

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  29. redballoon

    I’m reminded of a postsecret I saw ages ago, it went something like:

    “My ex-boyfriend kept leaving his toenail clippings on my nightstand, so I cooked them in his mac and cheese.”

    lol, not suggesting Anything!

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    • Michele Clune Oakley

      lmao

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  30. MJG

    ‘Not putting the toilet seat down’ being such a common complaint has always confused me. Why is it such a big deal? Men could just as easily get mad at us for ‘not putting the toilet seat up’ after we use it!

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    • Michele Clune Oakley

      i agree

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    • Anon

      That’s why both toilet seat and cover should go down, best compromise and cleanest.

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    • Helly

      If you flush with the lid up, a fine microspray of toilet water (and all that it contains) rises up and floats around the bathroom, eventually settling on anything that might be out in the room, eg. towels, toothbrushes, hairbrushes etc. Not so much a problem if it’s a separate little room, but if it’s all in the one room…. ewww…. once this is pointed out, most people decide it’s better to close the lid as a first course of action!

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  31. the Original Camille

    sligtly-off topic, but given the number of posts re nail clippings- since when is it OK to clip your nails on the bus???? I have noticed that it is always people of a certain (non-anglo for want of a better word) persuasion that do it and it is GROSS!! Especially if I am sitting in front of them, it makes me wonder if I have little slivers of nail caught in my hair.

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    • Wendy

      Does filing your nails count.

      Sitting trapped in those situations, seems like a good time to file the nails, but I know several people who find it sends them postal…

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      • the Original Camille

        not sure. i think i could bear it more, the nail matter is more confined.

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        • Gee Jen

          personally i hate the sound of filing nails – for me its like nails on a chalkboard urghhh

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          • Elisha

            Oh God, me too. It’s the reason I’ve NEVER had a ‘cure’ of any kind (mani or pedi).

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    • chellebelle

      Ewww! That is never ok!

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  32. AnonC

    I have had a few relationship break-ups and not for any of the reasons listed above. First, after 8 years of marriage, was because he didn’t want children (great, telling me that beforehand would have been a clue). Second after 4 years because he had major controlling issues and was verbally/physically abusive.

    After that I though I had it all sorted out, knew what to look out for. Then got involved with another fellow, and after 3 years I realised I should have just stayed single. I’m much better at being his friend than his partner.

    The one common factor with all of these relationships? All of them gave me a false person, someone they thought I would love rather than the person they really were. It’ll never work, the true self comes through eventually. If you can’t be yourself, don’t even bother getting into a relationship.

    Now I’m happy, single and the mother of two beautiful girls. I plan to stay single for a long time to come.

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    • Mish

      Me too, I’m a single Mum now and have ended relationships because either they have been abusive, controlling or addicted to drugs/ alcohol. What I would give for a relationship with a man whose only flaw is that he leaves the toilet seat up and wears unfashionable clothes. My goodness, how picky can some people be!

      By the way, I’ve been seeing someone for a month, and he’s already started to show major signs of being controlling, like telling me what to eat and wear, not to drink even one glass of alcohol, ever, because he doesn’t like it, that I need to be a better parent (even though he’s never met her) etc. And so I’ve been backing off very quickly. When you wrote “If you can’t be yourself, don’t even bother getting into a relationship” it completely confirmed it for me. Thankyou, I’m ending it. You are SO right.

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      • Anonymous

        Exactly mish!! In in a controlling jealous, mentally abusive one now, trying to get out!! Its hard when its someone i love very much that has a good side too ;(

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    • Michele Clune Oakley

      hey anonc and mish, same boat, same anchor. good for us, lets keep the boat afloat on your words and mine. single is good. men are way too controlling for my liking. not my way then the highway. hit it boy. had enough of men who want to own me and control the way i dress, dont want me to go out with my friends, blah blah blah blah. its over. i use them now. its nice. real nice.

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      • Mish

        I don’t think all men are controlling, but unfortunately you can’t see it in the first few weeks. Luckily I have enough experience to recognize it early this time round. I wouldn’t ever “use” men though… I think if you do that, you are limiting yourself to the opportunity of meeting a great man… or having a fabulous single life.

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  33. Bejazzled

    Very funny…. Lurve killers for me during our 10yr relationship/marriage:

    1. Leaving piles of used dental floss on my vanity, because there is no bin in the bathroom, (there is one in the toilet, right around the corner!) He did this for months on end until I publicly humiliated him about it in front of friends….that had the outcome of him cleaning it up….unexpected but I’m happy.

    2. Leaving fruit/food scraps all over the kitchen. I remind him almost daily that we have a bin and its under the sink…hahah

    3. Doing a number 2 with the toilet door wide open, daily. I explain daily that I don’t want to share his shit with him…..to no avail…ho hum.

    4.Hypher critical/ perfectionist with hugely ridiculous expectations of me, without any of himself because he’s already perfect!!!! Doesn’t really have huge compassion for adults either, especially me. This is a BIG one.

    5. He is nude alot, quite like Bear Grylls. Always getting his kit off. I don’t mind it, but some days I just don’t want to eyeball “tackle & crack” for hours on end.

    I’m happy that he is very loving & responsible father, continues to compliment me after 3 kids, doesn’t drink/ smoke/ do drugs or party or play golf every weekend. He will always go to the shops for me when I need him too, and when desperate will cook.

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    • Anon

      I used to have a flatmate (female) who always went to the toilet with the door open. I never mentioned it to her but thought maybe she was claustrophobic or something. The toilet was the last room at the end of the hall so there was no danger of anyone walking past but still, it was a bit strange.

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    • ClaireC

      Does he look like Bear Gryllls though…I think I could stand looking at that tackle for hours on end…without the bug eating of course…

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      • redballoon

        LOL
        or the urine drinking…

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  34. elle

    i dont like how he slurps his tea….but thats probably the worst thing so i guess im lucky!

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  35. MissMel

    I love reading through these comments right now… they are making me realise my boy is not the only one out there leaving nail clippings around and old jocks on the bathroom floor…

    It could be a whole lot worse, what lucky women we seem to be :)

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    • Detachable Princess

      Bathroom floor? ;) iPhone?

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      • MissMel

        Boyfriend on the mind :P
        Amended!

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  36. Alena

    this actually made me happy because I’ve been with my partner for four years! so I guess I’m safe now? haha. although he does have rather antisocial working hours and his fashion has always been ‘lapsed’!

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  37. In KL

    This topic is dangerous. I bet most of the posters on here will go home and pick a fight with their partner because they have just got angry either reading or posting about the bad habits their partners have.

    I bet the argument has already been done in their heads and the poor bastards at home won’t know what’s hit them when they walk in the door.

    I want you all to think of two positive things you have done today to get you out of that shit mood.

    Think of one good thing your partner has done for you when things were really serious like, when your parent was ill and they visited them in hospital without you knowing, or even the small shit like they made sure the kids left you alone when you fell asleep on the lounge, or the even smaller shit like they made you something to eat or said they would get their own, or brought in the washing out of the rain – NO, don’t think about the mess left on the bench or the fact that the washing is bunched up in the basket. Just take their effort at face value.

    These topics are akin to a comedian taking a swipe at whoever is currently leading the country – it’s a cheap gag and done for instant results.

    Sure we can complain but do we have to nag? Stay positive.

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    • Anon

      A tad over the top don’t you think, 99% of people are having a laugh about it.

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    • Another one

      I’m not sure what this says about me but I actually feel better after reading all the comments. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with a very annoying husband!

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    • Catherine

      I think you have a point , women get focussed on the negatives about their partner, bitch and moan endlessly to other women about how hubby/partner is defective, and thereby fuel their dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Many women have a great sense of entitlement and crack it if their partner e.g. forgets their birthday/ Valentines Day/wedding anniversary and put the poor bastard in the dog house for weeks for this minor lapse. However, he gets little or no credit for doing the hard slog of a relationship day in and day out which is far more important.

      Sometimes we would be doing our fellow women a great service if we pointed out their partners good points to them when theyare bitching and moaning about his faults.

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      • Wendy

        When people keep points on who does what housework etc, I wonder if they keep a balanced view. For instance, the woman may do more housework (cleaning, cooking etc, child minding), the man may bed doing the maintenance/outdoor stuff). Replacing windows, painting, cutting down the tree which may be about to destroy the drains etc etc.

        All things are equally valid, but because it is not you investing the effort, you may not see it.

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  38. Anna

    current relationship – 10 years. Dated 7 years, married for 3 years.

    relationship killer – sandles with socks. WHY WHY WHY!?

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    • Michele Clune Oakley

      oh honey, you have to say something about that. not on. thats fashion suicide. rotflmao

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  39. justamum

    My in-laws are the no.1 problem in our marriage. They always have been and always will be.

    We’ve gotten past the three and the seven year itch…we must be okay ;)

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    • Lisa

      I’m sorry to say with so much passion but I hate my in-laws with every bit of me. After so many years of trying I gave up and once my husband and I married they never spoke to us again – thank god the celebrant didn’t ask if anyone was opposed!! The main reason why my husband and I got thru it was he understands where I come from in my dislike for them. He sees it from my point of view which I think of he didn’t we couldn’t make this work.

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  40. Claudia

    I’m finding this post hard to read simply due to all the toenail stories – ARGH!!!

    My husband is great around the house but my main beef is he needs to be reminded of things a lot. Once he is, he always does them but it would be nice if he were more proactive.

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  41. Kathy W

    Time for a little self-reflection here. My husband left me – but maybe it was because I was a pain in the ass. I expected far too much! These were my deal breakers:

    - I hated him playing golf EVERY Sunday and leaving me with two little ones under the age of four.
    - I hated him ‘calling in to the club for one’ every single day. And one was never one. It was like five or six.
    - I nagged him about moving his dirty laundry from the bedroom to the actual laundry – about six steps away. But no – too hard.
    - I asked nicely if he would please see the doctor as his weight was alarming. Ditto his snoring. He got offended and never went to the doctor.
    - I asked him to please not mock my menial job – yes it was in a newsagency/general store but it was helping pay HIS way through his university degree.

    So after 13 years of marriage these are the nit-picky reasons he walked. Oh…and he told me he also hated my dad and just pretended to like him and was relieved that our divorce meant never having to see my dad again.

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    • Claudia

      You are so, SO not a pain in the ass. The list you made included some real deal breakers, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. To put it frankly he sounds like a selfish ass x

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    • Najla

      As I said below. Anything is workable if TWO people work it. Looks like you were the only one….I hope your ok :)

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    • j

      sounds like you’re better off without him

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    • The real Dani

      sounds like a prick. sorry. I would be mad about those things too – particularly cos it was repeated behaviour. Abou the doctor thing – guys are crap with stuff like that, but it shows you were concerned about his health, shame he took it the wrong way. Hope you are ok

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  42. Cordeline

    We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 7. We drive each other batty at least once a day but he is my whole world (along with the kids). I get so excited when I hear his key in the door at night.

    They are certainly not deal-breakers but the little things that kill the lurve are:

    toenails on the loungeroom carpet (what is going with all the blokes?!)
    wet towels on the bed/bedroom floor
    dirty laundry everywhere buy the laundry basket
    a really loud clicky jaw (ok, I don’t always notice this, but if above sins have recently been committed the clicky jaw will get me every time!)

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    • Emma

      Smiling at the bit where you get excited when you hear his key in the door. Can completely relate.

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    • SoMuchSerenity

      Me too about when they get home, my tummy does a little happiness flip when I hear the garage door go up and I know he is home, together 12 years this June!

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  43. Najla

    According to Harvell Hendrix relationships are designed to bring out our darks sides. It is the responsibility of each partner to help the other person heal….

    My stance is this- Anything is workable. As long as BOTH parties work it. If one party works it, FORGET IT!

    Psychologist and Scientist are now turning the attention to Indian marriages. They are not suggesting that people should have arranged marriages, but the idea that lowering our expectations is compelling as it may influence the longevity and happiness of couples…. Apparently traditional couples are not only happier, but also stick together….

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    • Mabol

      Najla

      Do you know what Bride Burning is?

      It’s something that happens to Hindu brides in India when the family isn’t happy with the Dowry or sometimes because a woman is expected to burn (alive) on her husbands funeral pyre as he is being cremated.

      Every 5-6 hours in India a woman suffers death from being burned, beaten or driven to suicide.

      I’ve seen estimates that domestic violence against women in India exceeds 70% !!

      If you’ve been to India you will have noticed (in general) the remarkable absence of women as you walk around…. because they are dutifully at home living the traditional life of being a commodity!

      The vast majority of Indian women couldn’t leave their husbands even if they wanted to.

      The expectations for Indian women needs to be significantly raised!!

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      • Najla

        yes…very sad…..

        i agree with your comment too :)

        Not the point of my post. I was stating why scientist are turning their attention to their marriages. I too was shocked sitting in their lecture hall hearing that scientist are interested in Indian marriages. So, I understand your sentiment.

        I think that because their is something negative in a culture, does not mean their is nothing to learn from it and adapt for our own.

        Apparently their is a lot of respect in Indian marriages too. Apparently.

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        • Mabol

          Hi Najla,

          Of course we can always learn something positive from other cultures – and by the way I absolutely love India! and think there many wonderful and fantastic things about their culture and country…. but women’s rights is not one of them.

          And I think this is reflected in their marriage arrangements. I am not saying there is ‘nothing’ that can be learned from Indian traditional marriage..but I dispute that they should be studied as an example because they are ‘happier’ and ‘last longer’ and are ‘respectful’.

          I’m not sure how you can judge the longevity of Indian marriages as being relevant when both partners (but particularly the woman) don’t have the option of leaving!…. if we take the option of leaving away (even when one partner is being treated horrifically) our marriages will last longer too…

          I’m not sure how it can be said there is a lot of respect in Indian marriages given the incomprehensibly high domestic violence rates and where the woman is culturally treated as a commodity and is allowed very little freedom. I honestly can’t conceive of a woman who is seen in this way as being respected!

          I am certain that there some wonderful marriages in India where there is mutual respect but ‘culturally’ I’m gobsmacked that someone would want to set this as the example. I certainly would loved to have been sitting in your lecture! Can I ask what subject and country the lecture was in…I’m genuinely interested to know.

          I guess we need to be careful to define what we mean by respect! For me a woman cannot be seen as man’s property and respected at the same time. Respect for me is grounded in equality between two people and mutual appreciation of each others autonomy, feelings and values. And the option to leave if it isn’t there.

          And I wonder why the spotlight is so constantly on Muslim marriages and treatment of women (and rightly so) … but the Hindus are literally getting away with murder and get so little attention outside of India.

          Here is a song for the men of India on behalf of the women of India!!

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FOUqQt3Kg0&feature=related

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          • Najla

            I LOVE THAT song lol :)

            I must agree with you. I too was confused as to why scientist/psychologist would even suggest looking at these marriages. But apparently there is merit in it.

            I learn’t this in psych. It was years ago when I did the relationship subject. From what I remember, the reason Indian marriages are of interest to scientist is because they seem to last regardless of the lack of love during the initial stages of the relationships. Apparently, the western model of love is not working seeing that 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Scientist are suggesting that our western view of love places too many unrealistic expectation’s on the other. That our expectations are so much higher because of these so called love feelings. But because Indians ( amongst other cultures) view love as something that grows, there seems to be something more realistic in that. Love is built on respect and action. Not feelings.

            I do believe that some cultures are more abusive than others. However, to suggest that most Indian men simply do not respect their woman is treading some very fine lines.

            I have not done any research into this area at all. I just learnt this a few years ago and I do believe it is interesting.

            I also think that we can take the good bits and leave out the bad bits with absolutely almost everything.

            I do understand your passion.

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        • Mabol

          Hi Najla,

          Thanks for your response. I agree that we seem to agree mostly. I’m sorry to keep replying…but I’m very interested in what you are saying on many different levels…and I am trying hard to sort out my own jumbled thoughts…

          I do want to point out that I have been very careful to give my definition of ‘respect’ because I feel that its a rather ambiguous word, particularly in a cultural context. And by ‘my’ definition I have no hesitation in saying that in ‘traditional’ Indian marriages in India (which is still most of them) women are not being respected by Indian men. I hope I didn’t make it sound simple though, as you suggest.

          I’ve been wrestling a LOT lately with my feelings of the treatment of women in other cultures and the cultural sensitivities of making judgments and criticisms about the situation. Particularly because I’ve seen how quickly, it can be used as fuel for xenophobia and very real discrimination (particularly against Muslim people).

          For me, I’ve decided that its okay to be critical of other cultures when they are oppressing other members of that culture (and I suspect you agree)… and part of this may be from the fact that whilst I don’t deny that I have been heavily influenced by my own culture…I honestly identify more as a person of the world than with any particular nationality or culture. But you are right, we need to be careful and thoughtful.

          I’m looking back at my comment now though and wondering if I should have been a little bit more cautious in the way that I have phrased it… perhaps my passion for the situation of women in India has run away with me a little.

          The other thing I worry about though is as much as I admire and respect most psychology I wonder about the value judgements that psychologists /scientists make sometimes e.g. . A ‘good’ marriage is…. or western marriage isn’t ‘working’ because….(And I am still genuinely confused about how it can then be said that Indian marriages are ‘working’ because they last – when they don’t have the option of leaving…)

          Whose to say someone can’t have 3 marriages that all worked. ;)

          I guess what I am asking is ‘is it perhaps possible that our expectations as a society for marriage are too high?’ (which doesn’t equate to not taking marriage seriously or throwing him/her out because they have started snoring or putting on a bit of weight! ).

          Personally I’m quite attached to the idea of one person for life… and its certainly something you feel when you are in love ..but I don’t feel that I need to necessarily think I’ve in some way ‘failed’ to make my relationship ‘work’ if for some reason if it doesn’t last forever.

          Or judge someone else likewise. Or the institution of romantic marriage as a whole (To see what needs to be ‘fixed’ in it … possibly by performing a marital transplant from something found in traditional Indian marriages)

          If you had to choose up front (without knowing the people) between having two mostly amazing marriages that span your life..or one fairly average one that lasts…what do you think you would choose?

          I think people would answer very differently to this question.. and I would be hesitant to label someone’s answer as right or wrong…and I’m a huge critic of science/psychology when they suggest they can formulate studies like this and claim they are based on objective factors- when they are in fact value judgements.

          I certainly agree with you that there is generally something valuable to be learned from arranged marriages per se. And that building relationships that go beyond romantic feelings to be deeply grounded in respect is a worthy endeavour (though I still question if this can happen in a relationship that isn’t also based in equality). Sorry for the long post.

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          • Najla

            I love your analysis…So much food for thought…

            Thanks :)

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  44. Two Mummies

    Almost 9 years now…biggest passion killer is our 5 year old :-)

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  45. Anonymous

    My husband slept on the couch for nine months while i was pregnant cos I snored as loud as a freight train everynight. He also supports me, my son (from a previous relationship) and our two daughters, so i don’t have to work… so i think i can overlook weight gain, daggy underwear and even a little back hair!
    Love is so not about toe nail clippings left in the sink, its about a partnership, it’s about not walking away even though times are tough.
    I once cried to my husband ( think i was hormonal) and told him that i was overweight and hairy (i was in need of a wax), he just smiled, hugged me and said that i could never be as fat and hairy as him… and you know what? i’ve never felt more loved or beautiful! He loves me and my chin hair… can’t get any better than that!

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    • Nora

      aaaaaaw that’s sweet

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    • Lu

      Thats lovely!
      And so true. A good relationship is about compromise and being able to admit that he’s not perfect and neither am I !

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  46. Lu

    Together 17 years, married 15 years – and we didnt live together until we got married!
    I still cant get him to put the toilet seat down, but we also now have 2 sons who have joined in on that one…..it still annoys me but not as much as it used to. I can overlook it more easily now because he is otherwise a neat freak and loves cleaning stuff. Scrubbing our baking dishes and cleaning the oven are favourites! With that I really cant complain….

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  47. Latarche

    Would never be a deal breaker but my little annoyances are:

    The clicking noise his jaw makes whenever he eats. It isn’t his fault but it really annoys me. Then again all “mouth” noises annoy me no matter who is doing them.

    How he only washes his own clothes. My clothes are in the same basket but he sorts through them and only puts his in the washing machine. Why?

    When he cooks he still rings me constantly with questions “what should I cook” “how long should this be in the oven for” “how do I cook rice in the microwave”. I love that he is cooking for me every now and then but if you are going to constantly question me I would prefer to cook myself. The joy of not cooking is the not having to think about it.

    Again would never break up over these issues but I suppose they are my little pet peeves.

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    • Chrissy

      Maybe he only washes his clothes because he is afraid he will ruin yours? (you’d be surprised how many men I have asked say this)

      The joy of not cooking is NOT COOKING! :)

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      • yos

        Nah I have to agree with Latarche here. The joy of not cooking IS not having to think about it.

        I’m with you on the clothes thing though, I bet that’s the reason.

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    • redballoon

      Haha, I’m such a control freak I don’t Want my husband to wash my clothes. What if he machine washed something that is meant to be hand-washed? Quelle horreur!!

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    • carrie

      Wow. I would never complain about my man doing his own washing. Saves me from doing it! Even if he didn’t do mine. I’d rather he not touch mine anyway he would def damage it!!! And it would thrill me if he rang me for cooking tips! Lol I have a macho man of the house…

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  48. Amy Sheaves

    My current relationship is the only relationship that both me and my husband have ever had. 3 years of dating + 13 years of marriage and we’re here to stay.

    I’ve wanted to leave a hundred times over the silliest things (see list above!) but geez….I know I’m no walk in the park – in fact the crap that I have dished up in our relationship would send a saint running.

    And yes, I know (as I am told all the time by my friends) I am incredibly lucky to have found such a wonderful partner who loves, supports and adores me.
    I sound terribly smug, I know. It’s just that I was told by MANY ‘older and wiser’ people that I was too young to marry and that it wouldn’t last.

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  49. Cleopatra

    I have always had a 5 year itch with relationships. First one – 5 years then bang over, I felt I had outgrown him. Second relationship – 5 years and I walked out, although I should have at least 2 years earlier as he turn verbally abusive and was unsupportive. Now I am in an almost 6 year relationship. When the 5 year time frame came up I was nervous that it was to be expected that it would be all over with tears and drama as the others had but I have married this man so I feel that we have something to strive for we have had ups and down the last couple of years, parents dying, family dramas, the augment on when’s the best time to have children but the years earlier we would fight through these things together, it was us versus the world. Now in the past year is us versus us and we don’t seem to be able to find that happy medium. But instead of walking away blaming my 5 year itch I feel it’s my duty to try and try again to make things work for the sake of our marriage. I can see why the little things can add up and drive you crazy and I can understand why people walk away. We need to find a way for the things that once were charming about these partners are once more again!

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  50. Chrissy

    Wow, I am amazed at the little things that people get so annoyed about! As my man is fond of saying “its the big jobs you have to worry about!” Who cares if he leaves socks lying around or wont put the toilet seat down? So long as he respects you and treats you and yours with kindness and love, makes you laugh, and turns you on then anything else should just fall by the wayside.

    I think this is just reflective of our “disposable” society. There is seemingly a newer and better model of everything coming out every other year (first version Ipad anyone?) so why stick with the one which is annoying you with its glitches when a replacement is so easily attainable?

    I have long preferred retro / second hand to new and shiny so I am quite happy with my man of 3.5 years, quirks, niggles, glitches and all. I would soon tire of perfection – it is our “faults” that make us interesting. :)

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