Real Housewives of Sydney recap: "Did you call me anorexic?"

Excuse us, but the real housewives are going to the Whitsundays because they need a break from fighting in Sydney.

GOODNESS.

Nicole is packing and teaching her daughters about the critical difference between washing cashmere and fine silk and we’ve already forgotten because this is information we will never need. 

She is hoping to corner Athena on the trip and speak to her about her, um, behaviour.

Listen to Josh Britt, Jo Abi and Jessie Stephens discuss tonight’s episode of Real Housewives on The Recap. Post continues after audio.

Okay, no.

Every episode of The Real Housewives of Sydney is EXACTLY the same. Someone reprimands Athena X for starting shit, and then Athena X somehow gets invited to another event, and starts more shit but with different women.

This is literally genius no wonder there are like 47 spin-off series. 

The ladies have landed and there are lots of slow-mo shots of their silks flowing and Athena X is wearing some very inappropriate headwear that we feel might edge on culturally insensitive (she's legit wearing a turban) but whatever.

Nicole speaks to Athena X one on one and suggests that maybe she tries asking people questions about themselves. "Do you know my kids names?" Nicole asks.

Athena is having none of that. "I'm not running a pre-school here to remember children's names," she says, as though there really are particular pre-schools devoted to just knowing kids' names. Of course, Nicole knows everyones children's names, probably because she stalks them on Facebook on the reg.

"Whoopee doo dah," Athena X says and goddamn that's a good comeback. Remind us to use that more.

There is still enormous tension between Matty and Athena X, ever since Athena X called her "Mrs. Botox," while basically spitting out her champagne in crazed laughter.

"What she said was a personal attack, but the only option is to move away..." Matty says to the camera, which sounds wise, except for the fact you are literally away on a girl's trip together to the Whitsundays. 

You... you definitely have not moved away.

Athena X apologises to Matty in the only way she knows how; by telling her she looks like J-Lo.

After some champagne by the water, the women sit down for some dinner and engage in their favourite subject of conversation; the fact that Athena X is a hypocrite.

"I said I was vegan but I actually don't really like cheese, haha," Athena says, and OH MY GOD THAT SENTENCE MAKES ACTUALLY NO SENSE BECAUSE CHEESE ISN'T VEGAN EITHER.

She then swaps meals with Matty who was given fish. "Are you a vegan because of animal rights?" Nicole asks her, but not at all in a genuinely curious way.

"It's more of an ethical thing," Athena X says with an air of superiority.

Ah, yes. Because animal rights are very different to ethics. Very different.

Nicole furrows her brows and inquires about the ivory bracelet around Athena X's wrist.

"An elephant has died to make that bracelet for you," Nicole says.

"It's pretty awful," Lisa remarks.

"It's very morbid," says some lone voice that belongs to no one.

"How do we know this elephant didn't just die from natural causes?" Athena X asks as though she is actually four and a half years old.

Lisa legit looks like she's going to fall of her chair and says "Yeah he probably just naturally walked in front of a shot gun."

So true. 

Poor Athena X explains that she wishes she could be a full vegan but she can't because of her lifestyle. She's just too rich, you see. Poor people have it much easier.

Meanwhile, Victoria is really pissed off that Lisa told her she wanted a divorce and now isn't getting one. It's really quite rude, you know?

Lisa thinks maybe she should try harder or get counselling. It's probably the sanest thing she's ever said, but Victoria feels personally betrayed by Lisa's decisions within her own marriage.

When Lisa talks about the fact that her and David don't sleep in the same bed, Nicole and Krissy get super judgey. Because that is helpful. Never mind the fact that their husbands don't actually live in the same country as them. Oh, no. Never mind that.

The next morning, the housewives board Victoria's yacht (we're not really across the technical language for fancy boats), and FFS, there's a problem.

There are seven women and four rooms, so naturally, six women share and Athena gets a room to herself. This is not the issue. There isn't even a discussion - it's just accepted that this is the best decision for everyone.

The problem is that Athena's room is bigger than the one Matty and Lisa are sharing. They won't stop complaining, because when someone has you on their yacht, you complain when your room isn't up to standard. It's just not on.

Given the DESPICABLE state of the yacht, the women decide it's time to go snorkelling. Matty says she's not really "a the sun and the water type person." Jesus. Nothing will make these people happy.

For a period of time, the housewives appear to be doing an activity without calling each other sluts or bitches. It's... disarming.

Sure, Krissy and Victoria straight up bully each other about their stand up paddle boarding skills. Sure, Athena tells Melissa that Victoria said she was anorexic. But all in all, everyone seems fine.

But when it comes to lunch time, someone's missing. It's Lisa. No one knows where she is so they choose to do what all good friends do when a friend is missing: they start to eat.

They even decide it's time to challenge Victoria about her bad hospitality having seven women on her yacht.

It's almost disturbing how little anyone cares about Lisa's wellbeing. Almost. 

Halfway through lunch, she turns up and she is ANGRY.

You guys, she "nearly f**cking drowned." And literally no one cared even a little bit.

She explains her dramatic rescue story, as she was found by a "morbidly obese man" (it's not clear how his weight was relevant), who brought her in with a blow up swan.

No one believes her, and they genuinely bully her about the fact that she almost died. Lovely.

OH IT'S DINNER NOW AND ATHENA'S WEARING A TURBAN AGAIN.

She tells the ladies she'd like them to know about a part of her she hasn't talked about: her art.

Nicole is like, "umm are you serious. I know absolutely everything about your art you don't shut up about it." Athena's offended by the fact that she's already told Nicole what she wanted to tell the whole group. Basically she wants them to come to her art show. They agree. Our Sunday night next week is sorted.

Melissa changes the subject by challenging Victoria about what Athena told her. She asks whether Victoria said she had an eating problem, and Victoria pretty adamantly says, "no." Melissa chooses to believe her because Athena X is, well, Athena X.

OH NO LISA'S CRYING.

It's her wedding anniversary and she's become emotional.

At first we genuinely thought she had burst into tears because of her general... environment... but she tells Nicole she just feels as though she should be at home with her family.

She decides to go to bed, and even thanks Victoria for dinner. This is a different Lisa Oldfield. We don't know this person.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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