It is just on a year since my son Isaac’s passing and losing your baby (whether it be stillbirth or like me passing away in the NICU) your world is changed forever. Your state of normality is not the normal from a year ago, which unfortunately only the people from our select club would seem to understand.
Here is my story of the loss of my son Isaac and how I have tried in a small way to help myself by helping others who may be or may go through this difficult situation…………………
On the 8th December 2010, my wife and I were blessed with the birth of our son Isaac at 26 ½ weeks (13 weeks early). He spent two days in the NICU at Royal North Shore Sydney before sadly passing away on the 10th December 2010.
A father is expected to be the pillar of support (strength) for his wife/partner, extended family and friends. He is the communication channel to the outside world and on many occasions, if he has other children, he becomes the chief caretaker of those children whilst his wife/partner recovers from surgery and the birth.
In Isaac’s short time with us, I spent many hours in the NICU and worrying about my wife and child. I was expected to have broad shoulders with minimal opportunity to get away from things and in many cases continue with work to ensure that there was money still coming in to pay for the mortgage, bills, doctors fees etc.
Being in this situation you will find that friends and family always offer support or to do something for you but there really isn’t anything they can do to help you with your grief and the guilt of not being able to do anything to fix things. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to have a couple of mates who took me out for a round of golf (with the blessing of my wife) which allowed me a sanity check, some personal time and gave me the opportunity to reflect and more importantly time out to reenergise and refocus. It was the best thing for me and prompted me to create a support program for fathers in this tumultuous time. (NB. A year on I still need these periods of time out and will continue to do so as losing your son does not ever go away).
From my own personal experience when Isaac was in the NICU and subsequently passing away, I found that there was little assistance available to a father who has a child going through a traumatic experience (or something similar). It also showed me that there was little “me time” to take care of myself as I had to be there to be the Pillar of Strength for my family to ensure that everything continued in some sense of “normality”.
I have found that the above is a common theme with fathers who are faced with prolonged periods of their child being in the NICU, sick in hospital or passing away. There is little time for them to do something for themselves or get support as they need to provide it to everyone else (particularly their wives/partners).
This has provided me with a desire to make a change in father’s lives through facilitating something that can make a difference. This is “Pillars Of Strength“.
Pillars of Strength is an Australian first initiative which aims to provide fathers with some support and time out they need while their baby is sick, or to provide some informal support after the loss of their baby. (NB it is not a counselling service but more an informal peer support network).
Since August, through the Royal North Shore hospital, the NRL, Sydney Olympic Park Golf Centre, and 2UE among others we have been operating a pilot program, assisting dads and families during this difficult time through the “Time Out” and “In hospital support” programs.
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What a great initiative Gary! My son spent 3 months in Royal North Shore NICU after being delivered at 28 wks while we were on holidays in Syd from Melb! Although I had family and friends in Syd, my partner didn't have his own support network. It would've been fantastic to have this program available when we were there. Well done Gary - I truly hope it takes off!