The following story literally made me gag. Then want to take a shower. Then want to hold my children close.
Am I over reacting? Probably, but you’re all fairly accustomed to that by now right?
My sister- in-law related this story to me and it has haunted me ever since.. It is in regards to a “friend” of hers.. (You will come to see why the inverted commas are now around the word FRIEND when before this incident they would not have been required.)
Jill* (my sister-in-law) had a couple of the girls from her Mothers group around to her house last week. Let us call them Mother number 2 and Mother number 3.
As lunch time rolled around it became apparent that there would not be enough food in the house to feed everyone so Jill and Mother number 2 said they’d go and get lunch if the Mother number 3 didn’t mind staying with the kids.
Of course she didn’t mind, so off Jill* and Mother number 2 went.
While they were shopping for cheese rolls, sushi and apple slice unspeakable events were unfolding back at the house.
Jill and Mother number 2 were gone for a total of 30 minutes. In those 30 minutes that Mothers group would be CHANGED FOREVER.. (Forever, forever, forever……… - FYI this is a dramatic echo)
Am I building the suspense enough? I still bet you can’t guess what happened..
Jill and Mother number 2 arrived back at the house to find all three children having a nap.
Well done Mother number 3 they exclaimed! Mother number 2 was especially surprised as her child hadn’t been fed yet and was hard to get to sleep when she hadn’t been fed. No milk = no sleep for Mother number 2′s child.
“I’m surprised you could get Misty* to sleep, she hasn’t been fed yet. I always have to give her a feed before she goes down at lunch time. I don’t know what I’ll do when I stop breastfeeding HER.”
Mother number 3 replied:
“Oh, Timmy* skipped his feed and I had a full boob so I popped Misty on it. She guzzled it down and went straight to sleep!”
OH YES. YES SHE DID. YOU BET YOUR SWEET BIPPY SHE DID!
MOTHER NUMBER 3 BREASTFED MOTHER NUMBER 2′s CHILD!
Let us pause here. This is an act that can NEVER BE UNDONE. Never, ever not once ever can it be undone..
It’s like finding out your flatmate has been cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush. You can’t take back all those times you had the brush in your mouth after it had cleaned the crevices of your toilet.
The image of Mother number 3′s nipple in her child’s mouth can NEVER be erased form Mother number 2′s mind. That milk can never be un-drunk.
Yessssss, I know there were wet nurses back in the day and I know some women today use them but for me it’s JUST NOT RIGHT. I’m not saying you are a bad person if you allow some other woman’s boob to go into your babies mouth for nourishment, I’m just saying don’t ever let it be my baby.
Breastfeeding is an intensely personal thing. It is bonding time, it is boobs and nipples and babies and family and well it’s breastfeeding! Who shoves their tit in a random kid’s mouth without at least asking said kid’s Mother first? (Wow that sentence would be SO wrong if taken out of context.)
Mother number 2 apparently lost her shit.
Mother number 3 was ushered out of the house at a rapid pace. It was excruciatingly awkward and none of the girls have been able to speak since.
I don’t think I would recover from that type of thing either.
Am I being a weirdo? I totally accept it if you think I am.. Perhaps I am not as open minded as I thought I was..
How would you react if this was your child?
*Jill, Misty and Timmy’s names have been changed to protect their dignity and identity.
Em Rusciano appears on Network Ten’s ’7pm Project’ and the Nine Network’s Mornings with Kerri Anne, You should follow her on Twitter here and read her blog here. No really you should
How would you handle it if someone breastfed your child? Would you ever breastfeed someone else’s baby if you could?
Comments
601 Comments so far
I think you need consent before sharing body fluids. For personal preferences and boundaries, as well as for the risk of disease transmission.
But this is a common practice throughout history and in undeveloped countries, so it’s not like it’s an abhorrent or crazy thing to do.
I would be supremely pissed off if I had a kid and someone else breastfed it without my consent, due to both personal boundaries and the risk of disease. It’s small but it’s there.
But it doesn’t make me want to gag or have a shower or anything. We’re just lucky we live in a place and time where we have access to all the resources we could possibly need to the point where this seems strange to us, not a life saving necessity like it is elsewhere or was in the past.
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I’m disappointed that this article was run. Not what I would expect from MM at all as the tone is just so negative. Comparing a woman breastfeeding another woman’s child to a flatmate cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush?? Really?? This story (if it is in fact true) is very judgemental towards mother 3, and it simply goes along with the story of the writers sister. Chinese whispers much?
No doubt mother 3 should of asked if this was appropriate to do, but perhaps she thought it was perfectly normal thing to do. Perhaps she and others breastfeed each others children? Perhaps Misty was crying and unsettled the entire time her mother was out getting lunch and mother 3 was trying to calm her. As many commenters have said below, massive overreaction.
Really do not like this article.
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Completely agree Emma… it is disappointing!
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Well said! I agree
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Good point Emma. I’ve read so many articles on MM over the years on how we should stop judging mothers, yet this article seems to be all about….judging a mother. A mother whose side of the story is not even known to us. The more comments I read about how OUTRAGEOUS this was, how UNACCEPTABLE she was to feed another person’s baby, the more I wonder whether, as I wrote earlier in another comment, she is from a culture or country where feeding another person’s baby is the norm.
I just feel really, really sorry for her. Even if she simply made a bad judgement call, I don’t think the level of hysteria the author has displayed is really warranted.
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Couldn’t agree more Benita!
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Yes and bagging Mel B for being on Jenny Craig and having a cigarette. Not what I would be doing but nonetheless why judge her? I’m sure she’s a perfectly good mother. I’m so sick of women judging each others parenting and this site seems to perpetuate it at times. I love most of the content but not this.
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I know this isn’t the point of the discussion but what does “should of” mean?
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I don’t get what the big deal is??? This has been done for centuries. It was good for the child and resulted in a restful calm baby. That mother did a nice thing and what did she get in return? She got ostracized. Nice. No wonder people are hesitant to help out others these days.
PS You all drink the breast milk of cows everyday!
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I’ll never forget the look on my male cousin’s face when he discovered that my mother and my auntie used to feed each others kids (born 1 week apart) when it was necessary. He looked at my mother (his auntie) with such unadulterated horror…hilarious.
My sister and I are due on the same day in a few weeks. Either one of us has the kids most of the time, I’d be surprised if in my 9 months of mat leave I didn’t have cause to feed her child.
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Hmm. See, I have no problem with the idea of ‘cross-nursing’, that is, feeding someone else’s baby or someone else feeding my baby IF REQUIRED (e.g. illness, unable to produce milk, serious circumstances etc). I think it’s a better option than artificial milk.
BUT!!!!! Not without it being discussed and agreed upon first!!! And I would prefer my baby to have someone else’s expressed milk in a bottle, because, for me, breastfeeding is a very special connection between myself and my baby.
In an emergency – say, for example, I was in a car accident and my baby was very young (she’s 16 months now), and she needed a feed, I would prefer her to be breastfed by another women than have a bottle of formula. But this is an extreme situation.
The above situation is very, very wrong, and sadly gives ‘cross nursing’ and milk sharing a bad name
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No question that this shouldn’t have been done without permission, but the way this article is written is pretty pathetic and not really the quality and reasonable writing I’d expect on this site…. It looks more like a stupid rant that someone is going to want to delete once shit hits the fan when their friends see that its out on the net for all to see…
But definitely not OK to breastfeed someone elses baby in my books WITHOUT getting permission first.
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who else is holding their boob while reading this?
( sheltering my boob from the trauma)
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Interesting responses to this story! As I sit here breast feeding my daughter whilst reading I had a couple of reactions: she should have asked permission for several reasons including allergy issues;I believe Mum 2 & Jill* overreacted, & I feel for Mum 3 (if this story’s an actual event) & how she’ll feel reading this blog; there’s probably way more to this story than we know – dangerous game is ‘hearsay’ – a bit like Chinese whispers … if my baby was hungry, & I knew & trusted my friend, & she asked permission, I’d have no problems with it!
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I agree to some degree – obviously, Mum 3 did NOT think it was wrong! If she had, she wouldn’t have done it OR wouldn’t have told them. So I do feel sorry for her. But really, I think in our society most people understand that you need to ask permission before you feed someone else’s baby a chocolate frog, never mind your own breastmilk…
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I am currently feeding my 6 week old, and if this happened I would lose it. How utterly rude and disrespectful to feed someone elses child. Why would you do that!! Its all sorts of crazy and I don’t know what I would have. done to stop myself physically lashing out at her if it was my baby she fed.
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I’d be peeved that I’d need to express due to bub already being fed…
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Nope don’t think you were overreacting Em! I would have gone ballistic too! My breasts are for my children only.
Even if a mother asked me to breastfeed their baby, I wouldn’t do it. I would consider expressing milk into a bottle but never breastfeed someone else’s baby.
The article did not say that the baby was in distress and crying because she was hungry, it just said that her child would not take the breast so she had a full breast and decided to give it to the child. That is invasion of personal space and crossing of a very distinct invisible line!!!
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Bottles will be available on prescription from a doctor.
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Creepy! I agree with Em. So awful.
My issue with this story is how many mums (known for their ability to do twenty things at once and be planning to do at least 20 more) does it take to go get some lunch at bubs sleep/feed time??? Seriously 2; seems a bit excessive.
My physical reaction to my baby needing to be fed would transcend time and space. I knew he needed a feed even if i was miles away.
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Everybody is at fault here – mum no3 for not calling and asking (I presume this took place in 2011). Mum no2 for not being a mature adult and explaining why she was upset, not to mention the fact she left her hungry and tired baby with someone else, and hasn’t demanded a HIV or hep check which I presume is why she is upset. Mum no1 for blabbing it all over the countryside!
I have actually been in this situation – holding a hungry baby for a friend while she changed her toddlers nappy. My breasts had let down and I got covered in milk. It hurt. Next time I’ll do the nappy!
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Very true. It can be very distressing as a mother to hear a baby crying and not be able to comfort them – the neighbours above us did ‘ controlled crying’ for a week with their tiny baby, and every night I would be in tears listening to the baby screaming, and my milk would be drenching my top
I had to have earplugs and music on. Or go and cuddle and feed my own baby…
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so NOT OK to breastfeed another person’s baby… not without permission anyway…
If the mother gives permission it’s fine – otherwise NO WAY.
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Wow- this is shocking enough to REQUIRE CAPS!?
I must be more laid back than I thought….
I feel for the mother left with 3, sleepy bubs!
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This is not about whether you agree with sharing breastmilk, it simply a matter of over stepping boundaries. In this day and age, you cannot give another child a snack or meal without checking with their parents or guardian first and the same should be said in this instance. Mother number 3 overstepped a very personal boundary, but she also assumed a parental role where she should not. How, where and what you feed your child is YOUR decision, YOUR right and no one has the right to interfere with that.
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Lines get crossed in mothers groups. This is off topic but several years ago a friend of mine (in a very close mothers group) had a stillborn baby. And one of the other mothers turned up at her house with her 3 week old baby less than a week after the stillbirth. (This is despite the other members suggesting she should perhaps give the grieving mother some space.) Why would you do that? Why would you take a newborn baby to the house of someone who had just lost a baby? Especially when other members had said not to. The mind boggles.
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Oh for goodness sake…the baby was hungry she fed it. If I have kids over to play and they are hungry I will feed them a sandwich but I will NOT ring and ask permission first.
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If I have kids over to play and they are hungry I will feed them a sandwich but I will NOT ring and ask permission first.
I agree.
In this day and age, you cannot give another child a snack or meal without checking with their parents or guardian first
That is a crazy thing to say. You bring other kids home from school to play with your kids and the first thing you do is offer them all some food.
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yes but with so many allergies now..?
a friend of mine, her boy was very allergic to dairy, and she couldn’t even eat a dry biscuit with dairy in it before breastfeeding him- i would worry about the mothers diet affecting the baby adversly, but it’s really about permission. it’s not like she was gone all day and they tried to get in touch with her and she had to feed her.. otherwise i’m not at all ‘disgusted’ (very stong word) about a woman feeding another womans baby..
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Breast milk isn’t a sandwich.
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No, it’s not a sandwich, but it is all that babies eat therefore the example stands.
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Of course it doesn’t. Milk is a body fluid! From a human body! A sandwich is a sandwich.
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And you can’t contract HIV from a sandwich, but there is the possibility from breast milk!
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I agree, I would be furious
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Publishing this article feels a bit like bullying.
Though names are changed, it wouldn’t be to difficult to figure out the degrees of separation between the author and the sister in-law. How would it feel to be Mother 3 reading this article? I hope the other mothers expressed their concerns in a mature way with the third mother, rather than gang up on the woman.
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Mmmm Em, I would say an over-reaction. While in this case the mum was not interested in having her child breastfed by another, it really is no big deal in a general sense. Less than 50 years ago children were nursed by others in the village (my relatives) when needed. These days we accept EBM (Expressed Breast Milk) when supplies are low in the birth mother and these are given via a supply line or bottle. I would happily have my child who needed it fed by breast by another mother if she liked and I would feed another if I could. It’s really up to the individuals.
Saying you wanted to gag and neede a shower (to purify was it?) makes me feel that we have absolutely and irrevocably made breasts and a women’s maternal body into something illicit. It’s sad really.
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Absolutely agree… Breasts have definitely been oversexualised! They are first and foremost an aid to breastfeed!
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Would she have preferred her friend give the baby formula which can play havoc with a breastfeeding baby’s belly? I wouldn’t have been overly impressed but hey, you move on. And no I am not having a go at formula feeding here.
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Whoa! Over-reaction. Mother 3 did a very practical and generous thing – what’s the big deal?
“It’s like finding out your flatmate has been cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush. You can’t take back all those times you had the brush in your mouth after it had cleaned the crevices of your toilet.”
No, it’s not. If your flatmate cleaned the toilet with your toothbrush that would be disgusting. Sharing breastmilk with a hungry child is NOT.
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Reading all the comments it seems this topic has real division amongst your readers. It seems most of the feedback is about the lack of permission which I think would be hard for anyone to disagree with – a quick phone call would have been the sensible thing to do. Interesting to read the different points of view though.
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Good grief! Are you kidding? Talk about a storm in a DDD cup! Everyone oohs and ahhhs and it’s a total media “feel good” fest when a mother tiger is given, and photographed feeding, a litter of piglets- complete in little tiger suits I might add.( My reaction to this was what the hell???O_o) And yet there is something wrong with a human doing what comes naturally? Have you girls never heard of a ‘wet nurse’?
Why on earth did Misty’s mum leave if it was feed time for Misty and she knew full well her child was not going to settle? THAT was irresponsible and selfish and unfair to both baby and sitter.
You all need to get a grip. The primary function of the human breast is to provide nourishment for babies. Are we now living in a society that is so overly sexualized that as women we find the simple act of breatsfeeding so threatening/shocking/abhorrent blahdee blahdee blah? WAKE UP girls. What would you prefer if you were as stupidly selfish and disrespectful as Misty’s Mum? That Misty be quieted with a bottle of cows milk, goat’s milk, soy formula or be left screaming for another ten minuted or more before you get back to feed her? Truly. Get over it. Top marks to the earth mother who was generous and loving enough to give Misty what she needed without all the drama expressed y the drama queens in this article. Poor woman ought to be congratulated, not condemned.
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as a Lactation Consultant I believe it is much better to provide human milk to babies than cow’s milk that can play havoc with their immune system!
Sharing milk is still very common overseas and it wasn’t so long ago here that families shared their milk.
I think the biggest drama here is the lack of permission and boundaries that have been crossed rather than the ingestion of someone elses milk.
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and here, here to Lou Lou!!
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Lou Lou – well said! Sums up my sentiments exactly.
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actually the concept of the earth mother is what irritates me….really i dont think the 2 women would have left together if it was actually right on feeding/sleeping time…I think it’s actually reasonable to assume that they left happy babies & assumed that there was time to get lunch before their 2 children needed to be fed & put to bed. I actually think the Earth Mother wanted to prove something by having all the children settled & asleep when the others got back! There is actually no mention of any children having been crying & upset. I think she totally overstepped the mark – all she needed to do was supervise the babies….not feed & put them to sleep.
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No, it’s a distinct possiblity. We couldn’t really know from this distance but poor Mother 3 could have been expecting kudos and back slapping for being such a super-efficient earth mother member of the mummy group.
I don’t think you need to be unhinged to pose this idea. If Mothers 1 & 2 were made of different stuff, 3 could have gone down in history as the hero of the day and they would have broken out the sparkling to wash the sushi down with.
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I think the article is a little over the top (although I do think even the notion that someone might consider breastfeeding another woman’s baby or giving your baby to another woman to breastfeed is weird, with or without permission, other than in the most extreme circumstances-alas, I have only a male’s perspective). However, comparisons to wet nurses and EBM banks and other such things are not reasonable as, thank goodness, in a modern society, all of those things require (some of them by law, some by just plain common sense good manners) some sort of informed consensual agreement between the parties.
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Well said LouLou!
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I have to admit, my mind wandered and I was expecting something a lot worse…like that she breastfed her husband. Or herself. Or her mother.
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Me too! I really thought it was going to be something shocking. Not shocked by this at all; rather I am surprised at what seems to be an overreaction on the part of the others in the story.
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Yeah i dont see the big fuss but then again im not a mother. I thought it was going to be that article about the woman who breastfed her own father. Now THAT is weird.
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Oh yuck Sami, is that really true???
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I can’t guarantee that it’s true but see for yourself!
http://www.oddballdaily.com/2011/03/24/woman-breastfeeds-her-dad-claims-it-will-save-his-life/
So much wrong with that situation
gag!
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Very very rude of mother no.3. What happens if the baby had an allergy or certain foods caused terrible wind? She certainly should’ve asked permission before feeding the baby.
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If they were all in the same playgroup and know each other well enough to leave this woman in charge of the kids then one can assume that she would have known of any allergies. A number of kids in my circle of friends have severe allergies and all of us mothers know and accommodate those allergies. Get over it folks!
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Really, really bad form that she didn’t ask, but I honestly don’t see what the big deal is! It’s just breastmilk! It’s just a boob! We all drink cow’s milk, from a COW’S BOOB. (Okay, udder, but same same.) What’s the massive problem???
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I think for me, it would be the bodily fluid issue. Not to be a panic merchant but i do recall reading that there a number of things that can transferred between humans via bodily fluids – breast milk included. I know it is a HUGE ‘what if’, but if Mother 3 had something, she could have unwittingly passed it on to someone elses child. I of course, am not a medical professional, so im possibly wrong, but for me, THAT is the line that was crossed.
Also comparisons between cows milk and humans milk are a little bit of a stretch in my otherwise unqualified opinion. The milk you get from a carton or bottle is highly processed and therefore unlikely to transmit anything to you by drinking it, and I would be hesitant to suggest that there are many things that cows can transmit to people, or even that cows could have any germs worth worrying about anyway. Except mad cows disease – but i *think* that was only in the meat…
I should point out that I am aware of wet nursing etc, but at the end of the day, the mother should have the right to choose whether the substitution is offered to the child, because I would choose ‘no’, and I would be horrified on both accounts if I wasnt offered the choice, or if i was powerless to avoid it.
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The only diseases that can be passed through breastmilk are HIV (and even then, it’s rare), active TB or active Hepatitis. Everything else is fine. So unless the mum had one of those, it’s safe. I have talked about this with my friends, and I honestly think our culture would benefit from us all having a more relaxed attitude to feeding each other’s kids (obviously, I’m talking about close friends or relatives here). Provided, of course, you trust they don’t have HIV, TB or hepatits, but then I assume you trust your friends???
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But would you presume to know about the health & history of someone in a mothers group enough to make a judgment that they dont have any of the mentioned issues? Im not talking about family members, or your oldest girlfriends, these are presumably known on a much less intimate basis…
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If I trusted someone enough to leave my baby with them, I’d trust them enough to believe they weren’t going to try to poison my child with diseased breastmilk (because obviously if you’ve had a baby you would KNOW if you were HIV positive or had TB or Hepatitis).
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Ok 2 things – a woman can still contract all of the above, from after birth (particularly HIV because you dont necessarily have symptoms until you are specifically tested). Its a stretch and I understand that, but what I am trying to get at is clearly the world isnt cut and dried in any aspect, so mother 2 should have definitely been given the option to say no. Mother 3 assumed it would be ok, but the story doesnt say ‘the baby was hungry’, it was that she had a full boob and her bub wasnt feeding – it reads like a convenience factor rather than being anything else.
Also, just because I would leave a child with someone for 30 minutes actually doesnt mean I would necessarily base that on their health, just their parenting credentials.
I am happy to agree to disagree, but I really do think that Mother 3 assuming it would be ok, is a minefield that could have easily been avoided via a phone call.
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It’s pretty common for people with those diseases to not be aware they have them until the get checked or start to experience symptoms.
Universal precautions – assume everyone one has something and protect yourself from the risk (use condoms, don’t share needles, wear gloves, don’t share breastmilk…)
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First trimester prenatal screening for mothers is a blood test for, among other things, HIV, Hep B, Hep C, Syphillis and Chlamydia.
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Yes but who knows what she’s contracted since first trimester? How old is the baby.. that is a while in the meantime to contract something.
I’m just pointing out that you can’t assume someone has no diseases, that’s risky.
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I agree, I was horrified when my baby was given a bottle of my expressed milk in hospital and I wasn’t asked. Having someone else breastfeed your baby without consent is like the ultimate betrayal. I completely agree with Em on this!
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Your hungry baby being fed is a betrayal? WTF?
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Im just guessing but maybe its ‘betrayal’ because she wasnt given the option to do it herself. It was her own breast milk, but not being given the option to provide the feed at such a crucial bonding time like in hospital wouldnt feel too crash hot…
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But it isn’t as if it was someone randomly walking around the hospital breastfeeding babies themselves, or giving the baby formula. It was her own expressed breast milk! Which kind of suggests to me that bubs was separate to Mum for a reason. NICU and SCN nurses aren’t all ebil gubmint agents – most of them are doing what they think and usually know is right from experience!
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I agree that nurses arent all bad, but i think giving the mother the option, or informing her that it was going to happen, rather than after the fact, wouldnt have been too hard for the nurses. I know that nurses do a fantastic job, but i can see why the mother would feel like the experience was cheapened by not finding out until later…
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But what is the milk being expressed for though? She considers milk that she’s expressed, presumably to feed her baby with, being given to her baby a “betrayal”? I’d suggest it was done to give her a rest or similar. My daughter was held by nurses and my Mum and doula on her first day (while I was getting sewn up and coming out of the General), she didn’t have any trouble knowing who Mummy was.
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Agree, ask, but seriously, WHATEVER! I read a story once about mothers sending their breast milk to African children, guess those kids are ‘different’ (not obviously). Maybrle just be honest and say I would rather you didn’t, but no need to over react and make a scene. Let me guess, the kid will grow up a it precious and spoilt! I know this is kind of a different category, but I can’t stand parents who try to micro manage your interactions with their children.
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What a total over reaction. Yes the mother should have asked first, but seriously, it was one feed and then the baby went down for a nap. Seems a bit ridiculous to get so worked up over it.
Now if the mother who was breastfeeding someone else’s baby had HIV that would be different…
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Oh, and I’m relieved to hear that ‘Jill’, ‘Misty’ and ‘Timmy’s’ names have been changed. I was a bit worried that we were reading about a 1960s farm animal story.
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So much LOL.
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I thought she had breastfed the entire World Health Organisation every time I came across the headline (slow learner…)
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Lol, I thought it was going to be a clever title about how the WHO recommends another woman’s breastmilk over formula for a baby, but it wasn’t. Now it’s just an ironic link.
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Could she not have just texted to check if it was ok? It would have prevented the whole thing!! Simple really…
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I think they should be big, big girls and sit down and talk about it privately – just the three of them. I bet they aren’t doing this. I bet Mothers 1 & 2 have ganged up and are saying awful things about Mother 3. Actually, I know they are because they told the writer and hasn’t she taken a mature approach and presented the story with a balanced tone – (insert ‘Borat not’ here).
They could talk about where each of them was coming from, agree to disagree and either stay friends or move on without all the hurt.
I think one of the underlying problems is what mothers expect from a ‘mothers’ group’. We’ve all had a baby, so we’re all in this together and will instantly bond. Well, not so. Before babies, all women have come from different backgrounds and have had varied life experiences, all of which inform the way they parent. Perhaps tread carefully and move a bit slower and let the friendships form over time, not instantly.
Personally, it sounds like the babies were little, and if it were me I would have trooped off WITH my baby to get the sushi. If I left my (little) baby without milk (i.e. my breasts) I would literally get a fast-beating heart until I could return.
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This. Well said.
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LOL “insert Borat NOT”. As opposed to a Wayne’s World Not. They are different! Love it!
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Love this!
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You left your hungry baby with someone else. If she has expressed and bottle fed would that have been ok? How about if she had given your baby formula? What about water? Moral of e story? Why did 2 of you need to go shopping? Why weren’t you organized enough to have enough food in the house to feed everyone? Did you tell her what you wanted her to do, or not do before you left? Get a grip, she made a judgement call, and you didn’t like it, but you didn’t plan either, live with it.
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Um, I read exactly this scenario about a year ago on a different baby site. So, I am having some suspicions that this story is contrived, but hey, I don’t know, so let’s go with it.
Should have asked permission, but mum No. 3 wasn’t trying to be malicious or awful, she was trying to help. Perhaps instead of making her feel like a total leper she could just be told not to do that again.
And Em, you’re carrying on like a crazy lady in this article. Save your hyper-ventilating, it actually ruins what could have been a more interesting piece of writing.
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I agree. Beat-up on a massive scale. Since when is it perfectly acceptable to go from zero to lunatic in an instant? Rationality? Anyone?
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I wonder if maybe that’s because it’s really not a big deal, so it’s happened before?
I like Em a lot but I agree she’s not really toned this well – I think she’s still getting used to the difference between writing and breakfast radio.
A lot of people seem to feel the same level of hysteria as she’s expressing though, judging from the comments. EG: ‘Lauren’ below who says she would have gone ‘screaming mad with a shotgun’.
I guess some of us are just more chilled than others.
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Agreed
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OMG! OMG! OMG! Who does that? I would have gone ballistic – as in screaming mad with a shotgun.
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So would I!! No where in the article does she say breast feeding is unnatural, she breast feeds her child! But as someone who only got to bf/ for 6 weeks (scar tissue issues) I understand the intimate and special bond that it is for you and your child to share. It is not ‘just food’ or a sandwich. It is something quite special and for some, taken for granted. Mother 3 showed a total lack of respect and understanding as how Mother 2 reacted. I am not sexualising breast feeding, just respecting the special intimacy that mothers have during that time.
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Plus this happens in ‘Away we go’ a movie with Maggie Gyllenhaal. She plays someone who breast feeds a child without permission and hates prams because they “push the child away from you”
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Well said. Maybe it shouldn’t be a big deal but I would’ve lost it too. We were unable to breastfeed and I was devastated. Breastfeeding is an incredibly personal thing to me and I hate to think how I would have reacted if someone assumed this would’ve been okay with my child.
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Personally, I think about breastfeeding as being a very intimate experience between the mother and baby so this is a MAJOR overstepping of social boundaries for me. It’s not just about providing nourishment for a child. Breastfeeding an intensely personal bonding exercise. I find the whole notion of a person breastfeeding someone else’s child without permission so repugnant. I would not deal with someone else’s child in any way unless I had heir express permission to do so. This is taking far too many liberties for my taste.
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Now that is just plain weird. I have no issue with breastfeeding a baby who is not mine if necessary and desired by the other Mum. I have had friends do this for other Mums who have had to have surgery and one who donated expressed breast milk to a newborn who was starving but her own Mum’s milk had not yet come in. . If both people are fine with it, then there is no issue,
But to do that WITHOUT ASKING???? No. Way. Not. Ever.
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Have come back to add that this is absolutely not something to end a friendship over. I think Mum 3c made the wrong call. But she does not appear to have been malicious or horrible in her intent. She was simply problem solving. So the other two should cut her some slack and get over themselves.
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Am so with you there, Contented. I think Mum No 3 made an error of judgment, a lapse in working out where someone else’s boundaries lie. I’d be a bit put out if I were Mum No 2, but I certainly wouldn’t ostracize her. I think this may be where people are feeling angry about the article — Em, who wasn’t there and wasn’t affected in any way by what happened, is using really melodramatic language on a hugely popular blog to castigate this woman for a simple mistake. What Mum No 3 did was hardly calculated or cruel, but writing this piece in such a way was.
I usually enjoy Em’s take on things, and I expect to in the future. Just not this particular piece.
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My first reaction was that it’s not OK without asking. Especially considering that the mother was only gone for half an hour. My first child was breast fed with formula top ups due to low supply. My second was breast fed for a few weeks and then weaned due to low supply. So I have experienced both.
I have no problem with the concept of wet nursing or milk banks. Especially in developing countries.
I live in PNG and shortly the sale of bottles will be totally banned. There is an amazing charity up here that promotes breast feeding along with maternal and infant health. Shortly there will be a total ban on bottles up here. Dirty bottles, dirty water and watered down formula cause so many unnecessary deaths up here.
Actually, Susu Mamas would make a great story on Mamamia! Let me know and I can put you in touch with some amazing people!!!
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Would love to hear more about this.
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it would bother me…considering i bottle fed my child….now THAT would have been even more disturbing!
I havent breastfed and dont intend on breastfeeding so i am not sure of the political correct boobie “manners” but i can tell you that if someone breastfed my child without asking, weather i bottle fed or breastfed i would be pissed! I get that back in the day to was normal, but i think thats pushing the friendship now ..so to speak!
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I don’t think bringing out the Selma Heyak example is really relevant … that was a child who was actually starving and truly, truly needed it. The other mothers were gone for half an hour and a child probably can hold on that long. I’d have a huge fit. The main thing that came to mind is what if the other mother had some kind of communicable disease? Call me paranoid if you must. Even with changing nappies, I would really, really prefer you to be a close blood relative. Some things are just private, even for a small child. The emotional implications are also huge. I feel as if it was a throw away for the mother who did it, which is disrespectful. Ask first for god’s sake!
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Conceptually I have no problems with this…I mean, wet-nurses have existed for centuries, if not millennia…
But not asking permission? What was she thinking?
(Hey, IAmEvilCupcake…more boobs!)
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Boobs make the world go round JJ
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I can understand being upset about not being asked first but not to the point of being hysterical about it. Health issues count here and I would be extremely concerned about those but the bond between a mum and child would not be broken by one breastfeed or ten or 100 …
I would be talking to the breastfeeding mum to ascertain whether she has any infectious disease that could be passed as well. I can’t see why you wouldn’t speak to her again.
Why did “The Slap” immediately come to my mind here?
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The squeal to The Slap? The Tit!
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Haha “The Squeal” or “The Tit” or the sequel … works every which way you look at it. Too many boobs on your mind JJ
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Bahahahah….freakin spell check!
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Response of the week – and it’s only Monday.
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I thought the exact same thing, you beat me to it! I also have a preoccupation with boobs, perhaps you’re my long lost brother…
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I think this is a scenario that has been in debate a while. When myself and my friends had our first we discussed it after reading a similar story, One of my friends was horrified, myself and another wouldnt have minded so much. Some random person or not very close friend i would have a problem with . I think its also about having the discussion before you ever do something like that, I would never assume it was ok. Interestingly, when myself and my 2 friends had out second children, the friend that was most affronted by the idea changed her mind on the subject with her second child, and we concluded that everyone is more uptight with their first and less so with consecutive children. All that said we never did it!
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A line was crossed. I mean seriously. WHO WOULDN’T ASK PERMISSION???? (And it’s totally different to the Salma Hayak episode in Africa … that was about desperate mothers wanting to save the lives of their starving babies).
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Totally agree with Bec. For me, it’s all about permission and the intimacy that is breastfeeding between a mother and HER child. What about the baby? Wouldn’t she have been confused?
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sounds like the baby was just fine with it and enjoyed her nap…
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There is no way I would want another womans nipple in my babies mouth. That woman was completely out of line and I would have gone beserk!!
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I don’t agree. I think the Selma Story is exactly the same. Yes we cheer her on for saving a baby – but we also cheered on the government for saving Aboriginal babies by removing them from their mothers in clearly in derelict conditions!
Both times we failed to ask permission and acted out of ‘what’s best for the child’. Just like in the story.
And where the other mum’s failed to share their differing opinions and simply asked her not to do again, they ushered her out of the home and stopped speaking to her. I thought mothers group was to help support but here they’ve made her feel rejected, and maybe like a failure.
I don’t mind that they didn’t like her methods, I do mind how they dealt with it and put her mothering techniques down.
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So do I. And even though KDot has only ever had my milk (until she started solids – she still only has my milk for drinks), I don’t think it’s as sacred and intimate as people make out. It’s how our bodies are designed to feed our young. Same as pigs or kangaroos or cats or dogs. Cool that we can do it? Sure! But mystical and sacred? Nah.
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So, so wrong. Not without permission – that’s just weird.
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This is really overstepping the line! It’s not so much the physical act of the breastfeeding someone else’s baby (though this is still a tiny bit odd). The part I have a huge problem with is not asking permission, and just swooping in there to ‘save the day’ when the mother was only 10 minutes away!! Who hasn’t had to cuddle and pace the floor with the crying or screaming baby of a friend for a little while until they get home? We seem to manage fine, without shoving a boob in the baby’s mouth! Rude, arrogant and clueless woman! I would never want to see her again.
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I can’t believe that Mother 2 went out shopping when her child was hungry and tired. I couldn’t imagine doing that – nor can I imagine any two of the mums in my mums group leaving their babies with me, while they popped out when we were on a playdate. It altogether seems a bit strange to me…
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I fail to see how its strange to leave to get lunch (the story paints it to be more of a necessity, rather than cruising the local Westfield) while you leave your child at a place which is otherwise comfortable and safe (presumably) with someone you would otherwise trust.
But maybe thats just me.
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I suppose it depends on the age of the babies and how well you know the other people (obviously not long by the sound of it).
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Exactly, if it can be assumed that these mothers group participants are otherwise fit and responsible parents, it wouldnt be a stretch to assume that you could trust them to mind your child for half an hour. Maybe not in this case in hindsight though!
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But was it necessary for two mothers to go to the shops to get lunch, leaving mother 3 with 3 babies? That’s the strange bit for me.
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I completely agree! its all a little too wierd to me…
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Didn’t Salma Hayak breastfeed a starving baby in Africa? If I could ease a child’s hunger and pain, I would happily breast-feed heaps of babies ! I know it is a different case, but it was not done mailiciously and she would have thought that she was doing a good thing…
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I cant tell you how many times I have wanted to take my boobs to Ethiopia during this famine, so distressing. And yes people have been wet nursing since the beginning of time, i think its more our modern day obsessive culture that makes this so taboo.
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Yes you are completely over reacting.
Mum number 3 did cross the line. You absolutely should ask before doing anything with or to someone else’s child (unless it’s a medical emergency). But…. my Mum and her friends would breastfeed each other’s kids if and when needed when they babysat for each other.Mum is quite proud of the fact that she donated expressed milk to the milk bank at the maternity hospital my siblings and I were born in. Until the Aids epidemic in the 80′s when all sorts of anxiety about body fluids started, it was quite common to share breast milk if a baby was hungry. (Didn’t the actor Salma whatsit do this on her visit to Africa.) Until manufactured baby formula became readily accessible it was the only way some babies survived and probably still is in some countries and cultures.
Yes Mum 3 crossed the line and I wouldn’t be completely comfortable with it but she was probably trying to help out a hungry baby. She didn’t poison the baby and unless you keep banging on about it forever, the baby will not be scarred for life.
Suck it up Princess and move on.
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“suck it up princess” – gee, that seems a bit harsh.
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Yes a bit harsh but given the melodrama of this statement
“Let us pause here. This is an act that can NEVER BE UNDONE. Never, ever not once ever can it be undone..
It’s like finding out your flatmate has been cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush. You can’t take back all those times you had the brush in your mouth after it had cleaned the crevices of your toilet.”
and this
“Mother number 2 apparently lost her shit.
Mother number 3 was ushered out of the house at a rapid pace.”
I’m going with harsh but fair.
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I remember years ago working with someone in theatre (operating – not dramatic) who was a twin. Her and her twin had had babies around the same time and quite regularly breastfed the others child so one of the mothers could go out and shop or go to the hairdresser in peace. I was about 24 at the time and it was untinkable to me, however, this story got the ball rolling and a range of different people commented that either they had done the same or their child had been fed by another woman.
Nearly 20 years on, having fed my own children I still wouldn’t like to have them fed by another, but I can see it works for some (as long as you have permission from the mother). I guess its not for me, but it is still used in a range of countries over the world when women need to go a long way for food and water and I can see the merits as long as you know the health of the mother and the milk.
I’m not sure mothers in a mother group would be thebest place for it though and like Caro says – no sharing body fluids without permission.
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Well said.. ‘I can see how it works for some, but it’s not for me’. I think that is the real issue here- mum 2 was not given the opportunity to say whether she was ok with this or not.
It does seem a little odd to me that 2 people went to get food while one was left with 3 bubs but I think a call or text, or merely giving the baby a cuddle to calm her (if she was actually unsettled) would be more appropriate.
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I have a child who wasn’t breast fed despite my very best efforts to do so. I don’t agree with what mother 2 did, and believe that the emotional implications are far greater for the mother of the child who was breastfed by mother 2, and no I wouldn’t like it if it were to happen to me…..however I find your comparison to the use of the toilet brush and toilet scenerio immature and provocative as it insights the imagery that breastfeeding is a filthy act. I do agree with you that this article is an over reaction….will the child be emotional and physically affected by the event…no…….. was it wrong……no-but very inappropriate without the permission of the mother
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