When do you let your kids get their ears pierced?
by HEATHER SMITH
I have pierced ears, the simple variety, one in each ear. I remember wanting to get it done for some time. During my late teens, I made my way to Pacific Fair on the Gold Coast, and the deed was done. I paid for it with my own money. One was fine; one goes in at a bizarre angle.
After a haze of 80′s pastel coloured chunky fashion earrings, I grew bored of the whole thing, and let holes grow back over. Well I thought this would happen, but after years and years, the holes did not seal up.
So now Ms 13 is nagging me to get her beautiful ears pierced, because “all my friends have their ears pierced & I really want them”. My response is no, no, no, no, no, under no circumstances do you have permission to get your ears pierced. No, No No.
Frankly I don’t really have much against her getting her ears pierced. I prefer that she didn’t but I am not super stressed by it.
Heather
I will let you into my perhaps silly parenting secret. I don’t support her desire to deface her body, so when she rebels against, and being a female moving into her teenage years, I am preparing for the rebellion, she has a buffer zone available to her.
I define my buffer zone of rebellion, as rebellious acts she can undertake, without really doing too much long term damage.
I have this picture in my head of her standing in an arcade deciding between great big exposed tattoos or getting her ears pierced, and she will choose the piercing, and all will be right in the world.
It even sounds really stupid to me, reading back over this. But I am paranoid about these teenage years.
Heather Smith is a small business expert, accountant, specialising in XERO and MYOB and the author of Learn Small Business Start-Up in 7 Days. You can find her at her blog and her Twitter.
What do you think? When should kids get their ears pierced?
Comments
199 Comments so far
I’d let my kids get their lobes done at 3 and their seconds done at 10 if they wanted them.
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Thank-you to everyone who commented!
I took all your comments to heart – especially the stuff about its her body she should make her own decisions – someone highlighted this quote from Will Smith –
“We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it’s like how can you teach her that you’re in control of her body? If I teach her that I’m in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she’s going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She can’t cut my hair but that’s her hair. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she’s going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives.”
So I spoke to Ms 13 with my long prepared speech “Ms 13 You can have your ears pierced ….” and before I could say anything else … she said Yuk mum – ears piercing is soooo horrible and ugly – I don’t want my ears pierced – so maybe I was wrong and maybe I was right?!!?
btw I have always let her do what she wants with her hair in terms of colouring/ cutting – non permanent changes don’t stress me out!!
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I remember my mother making me choose from a selected few of pretty & shiny things and before I knew it, there was a gun-like machine up against my earlobe and gosh it was a startling pain. The fact that that’s how I remember it confirms that I was very young. Remembering my teenage years, the fights between my mother and I were more so about how I “never” had any privacy or the freedom to go to that party where everyone will be. I feel that piercing her ears should be an opportunity for you to share that experience with her. Go with her, share that excitement, no doubt set some rules such as “no other piercings or you’re dead,” and let her remember it as something nice. I’m not a parent so I’m not trying to preach, but there were so many times where I wished my mother was with me doing certain things rather than simply saying “no” without talking about it. Now she’s always telling me to go out and have fun, when all I want to do is hang out with her! Hope this helps you to find a good balance with your daughter.
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If I were you I’d be more lenient while she’s still asking you. In a few years time she’ll stop asking permission and just do whatever because she’ll think you’re going to say No all the time.
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I understand where she is coming from in terms of providing her daughters something to rebel against. However, that being said, my mother allowed me to get my ears pierced at age seven and then another hole at age fourteen. This was where my boundaries began and I started rebelling against her and now five years later I am sporting thirteen odd piercings and three tattoos – maybe if i had the boundaries i wouldn’t have been so interested!
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I have read many of the comments below and think many of you are missing the point of the article. Heather is giving her 3 daughters something to rebel against. She doesn’t really mind if they get their ears pierced, but it is a boundary that she has chosen to set. My parents did the same- only I rebelled against going to church every weekend. Without boundaries kids will rebel with the larger things.
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I think one set of earrings looks pretty, it’s when you and others to the ear that it goes from classy to tacky. Better it in the earlobe than in a belly, lip, eyebrow, cheek or chest!
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My parents told us we couldn’t have our ears pierced until we were 16, and then after begging they let me get mine at 6. It sounds young now, but considering your daughter is already 13, it might be more likely she knows she wants them whereas I just did because my sister did. I still went on to get another set at 10, the third ones at 13, the fourth at 17 and one in the helix (sort of in the middle!) of my ear at 20. I still love them all but I know they’re not permanent if one day I don’t. And also, no one ever notices them despite how many there are.
But the big thing is that my parents never said no after the first ones. They always said they were my ears and they didn’t care. I still always asked them before I did it though. But mine were therefore never about rebellion, and so maybe that approach will work better?
Good luck!!
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I’m sorry, I just don’t see why this is such a big deal. Other body piercings perhaps, but ears? Teenage girls love trying out new looks, whether it be clothes, hair or in this case accessories. At thirteen, she’s starting to develop her independence and sense of self, stifling the small stuff like this could just lead to bigger problems surely?
My mum was never keen on it, but I went out and got it done professionally when I was 14 with a friend and she was ‘ok’ with that. It didn’t really hurt, I’ve never had any major issues and I still love wearing earrings twenty years later!
If I ever have a daughter, I’d probably tell her to wait until she was a teenager (but that would depend on the personality of the child) and then I’d happily take her to get it professionally done.
You talk about creating a buffer zone for rebellion, but how about helping her to develop a gradual sense of self starting with small, reasonable aspects like clothes, hair and earrings? Maybe empowering her to take control of these things will mean she won’t have to seriously rebel down the track! Good luck!
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I was about 6 when I first asked my Mum about getting my ears pierced.
I went on and on for the next year until she gave in but all the while telling me how much it would hurt. To be honest I can’t remember if any of the other girls in class had them I just really wanted them. Two simple gold studs which I somehow managed to keep clean. Then came wanting my nose pierced at 11, thinking back it was probably a bit young, but again they were quite supportive although the novelty wore off pretty quickly with that one and I haven’t worn it since I was 16 (ten years late and my husband doesn’t even know it existed).
I’m unsure of how I will be in the future with our kids (I may not tell the about getting noses pierced at 11) but I think I will try and be fair with the point, although I can understand how hard it can be as in our minds they will always be our babies.
I’m thankful that I had parents that were quite relaxed and made us informed and responsible for our own actions and choices, whether good or bad, because of this I feel we never had any reasons to go behind their backs to do what we wanted.
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I don’t have pierced ears. The thought of putting holes in my body gives me the creeps.
So the universe sent me three girls!
All along I simply said to them “If you ever want your ears pierced you can, as long as I never have to have anything to do with them. So, sure, go ahead.. but just don’t ever come to me for help with getting them in or out, or dealing with any ooze or pus from infected ears.”
So they are now 19, 17 and 14, and none of them have had their ears pierced. Ms 17 is the only one who would be likely to (who cares about fashion), but seeing her friend once get her earrings caught on her beach towel has put her right off..
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…if my mum had banned me from getting pierced ears at 13, I would have gone out the next year at 14 years old, and done something way worse, such as shoplifting or having sex! She’ll trump your authority if you come down on minor stuff like that. I’m not saying you need to be her ‘friend’ or the ‘cool mum’ but ease up a little bit. Maybe you can make a mother-daughter thing of it, for example say (A) if you get an A in maths, English and Science you can get them piereced, and/ or (B) if you save up and pay for it yourself.
Finally if she meets these requirements, and goes and does it, make it a mother-daughter bonding thing. Go with her, take her out for dinner afterwards and make her feel like she’s hitting a milestone (she is, she’s become a teenager). Emphasise though that you are proud of her marks at school, savings ability, her honesty, trust for and relationship with you, rather than celebrate the piercing thing (don’t make that the big deal).
Enjoy these years, because all too soon, high school ends (four to five years only) and she’ll leave your nest! Make the ear piercing day a fond and significant memory for you both to recall in years to come.
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yes you are being paranoid, she wants her ears pierced, big deal……when she comes home and asks for her navel, tongue,nose or god knows where else they pierce these days then you have a problem.
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Our daughter had her ears pierced at 9, after thinking about it for a few years, she would always ask “when can I have my ears pierced” we would tell her whenever she wanted to, but she had to look after them and it hurt.
have to say though, no spacers in our house, they can wait until they move out, revolting look, and even worse is the ear without the spacer (especially if they were large spacers.)
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I’ve just read the ‘first world problem’ piece and now this. Kinda indulgent, stressing over ear piercing at 13 I think!!
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my thoughts exactly. cant even believe this was published and I am even commenting
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Thought this quote was pertinent:
“We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it’s like how can you teach her that you’re in control of her body? If I teach her that I’m in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she’s going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She can’t cut my hair but that’s her hair. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she’s going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives.”—Will Smith, in an interview with Parade.
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My god that man is sensible- what great way to look at it
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Choose your battles.
Why not say if she can save up to have them done then she can have it done?
I don’t see the big deal at all and think that you are being a bit over the top.
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Yeah I had friends who’s parents said no and their friends did it for them in a messy ‘at-home’ job. If anything it will put her off piercings entirely if that happens. My mum let me get my first piercings when I was around 6 and I’ve gotten a few more over the years (I now have 9) and although I do have a few there are limits that my mum and I agree on for obvious reasons (no facial piercings. Ever.) and I still lead a normal life and most people don’t actually even notice them. Plus piercings close over eventually and you can take them out etc so no real harm except maybe a scar or 2.
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Well, you could say no and let her find the money and means on her own, which is giving me visions of my friends in the kitchen with giant sewing needles when I was 14, or, you could take her somewhere clean and safe and get it done. This is one of those things you should probably be going half way on – for example, you say no to wearing all black (as my mum did), and she goes out and does it anyway(as I did), the clothing comes off. She goes out and gets her ears done somehow and they risk serious infection and scarring.
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I got my ears pierced when I was six. My Mum’s theory was if I’m old enough to take care of them – clean them, don’t wear studs when sleeping etc., then I’m old enough to have them. Twenty years later and I don’t have any tattoos, additional piercings, or the desire for them.
Seriously – she could want much worse things than getting her ears pierced. And at least she hasn’t (yet) gone out and got them anyway.
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I dont understand why getting ears pierced at 13 is a big issue. Both my girls had their ears done by 6 months and my youngest was the only one to wimper abit and my sisters and i were 3months. I know back in south america its younger still. My girls have enjoyed being girly growing up and being able to change the earings for different occassions as they have grown. I suppose its a cultural thing..growing up i had earrings my anglo friends didnt ..we got to year 7 they could have boyfriends i wasnt allowed to..didnt make sense either way to me
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My mum said I couldn’t get my ears pierced until I was 18. So when I was 14 I went out and got them anyway. This rebellion gave way to other things as I realised my parents really couldn’t stop me.
I think you should let her get her ears pierced and treat her as a smart individual who can decide for herself.
Being strict on your kids always backfires. They’ll learn to rebel before other kids whos parents allow them to do stuff.
If you don’t care about whether her ears are pierced or not, then why not just let her instead of using an excuse that doesn’t make sense to anyone, even you as you admitted.
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I got mine done as a baby and my second hole when I was 11. That’s as far as I went until I was 21 and got my belly button pierced. The one thing I do like about piercings is that you can take them out and yes soemtimes the hole will be there for a very long time but at least for a spur of the moment thing, it’s not as permanent as a tattoo.
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How can you wear earrings if you don’t have pierced ears? Whatever age the kid wants it done is a good age. I don’t agree with any other piercings until the person is over 18. Why anyone wants their tongue pierced is beyond me, seriously WHY do they do that!!
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am I the only one who thinks this is a weird question? I’ve had pierced ears since I could walk. In a lot of cultures ears are pierced on infants and toddlers. I think 13 is a more than sufficient age for a piercing. If she gets sick of them eventually, she can always just take them out. I agree it’s worlds better than “Mum, can I have a tattoo”.
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I was not allowed to get my ears pierced at all when I was younger and when I got to an age where by I could decide for myself I had gone off the idea. Our daughter is 15 and at around the age of 13 really wanted her ears pierced but we said when she was 18 she could make her own decision then…she too has gone off the idea already!!! Go figure!!! Mind you myself and our daughter are in the minority…all my friends have pierced ears and cannot believe that I don’t!!! Our daughter is the only girl in her year not to have pierced ears…she likes that!!!
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I hope you don’t take the comments too harshly, but i do think most people have a point. I think sometimes in life we over-complicate things, and assume they will turn out a certain way, when in fact, things hardly ever go to plan! I have to say, my view is that your plan is unlikely to work, and in the scheme of things, probably the wrong battle to pick. I’m sure you’re a great parent though, we all try our best dont we!
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I originally didn’t want to let my daughter have her ears pierced until she was about 10, or at least until she understood it might hurt and that she had to clean them every day. My husband talked me into letting her have it done when she was 6. (sooky father giving in to his daughter) I prepared her for possible pain in having it done, and also if they got infected, she said she was ready. We got a pharmacy to do both ears at the same time, she said it didn’t hurt, and was old enough to know to clean them. There are special antiseptic sprays these days which makes the cleaning really easy. However when we tried to take them out to put in different earrings, they hurt when we tried to open them. She refused to take them out. That was 3 months ago, and each time there is a school holiday (allowing her to break uniform policy of no fancy earrings) I offer to take them out, but so far she has declined. I think this has taught her that parents have rules for reasons and I was only trying to protect her. I will wait until she wants to take them out to swap earrings before I try to take them out again.
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I got my ears pierced as a gift from my uncle on my 7th birthday. But I wasn’t allowed to wax my legs until I was 13 (and I was certainly never allowed to shave them!).
I understand that sometimes we just get these ideas in our head of when something is the ‘right time’.
Maybe instead of saying “no, no, no, no’ give her a time. Her 14th? When she finishes grade 8? Something that gives her an appreciation for the right of passage without denying it indefinitely.
Only you know your daughter well enough to know what the best way to handle the situation is =).
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This is the best solution I think I have read yet!
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I had my ears pierced at 10 years of age. a friend of mine had her daughter’s done at the age of 6 weeks and to me that it to young but from the age of 10 that should not be a problem
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I see what you’;re saying. If you keep her focused on this one desire which is right now unattainable, then she won’t want any ‘worse’ desires. Clever. It’s the nature of the human beast that we want something desperately and will do whatever it takes until we get it – at which point it becomes interesting and we focus on a new desire.
Maybe you could use this to your advantage and keep her focused on doing well in school and being a good role model to younger kids etc etc, ie ‘earn’ the ear piercing. I am curious to see how it goes…
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I got my ears pierced when I was 5 I think. I had two holes in each ear and a cartlidge piercing by the time I was 13.
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Ears pierced are a total nothing now days. I told my daughter she was old enough to get them done once she understood that it would hurt a bit, and if she still wanted to go ahead with it knowing that (and knowing she’d have to get them BOTH done – Ie, couldn’t get one done, decided it hurt and not do the other one), I’d take her whenever she was ready.
Sorry, but I have to respectfully say I think you are way off in thinking your daughter shouldn’t pierce her ears. She’s not asking for a tattoo or a tongue piercing, and she’s THIRTEEN! It’s totally fine. If anything, you saying “no” to this innocuous, culturally acceptable practice (when you know it’s stupid) will just make her want to to even more crazy things when she’s out of your clutches (seen it happen).
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My daughter asked to have her pierced for her 8th birthday. I told her if she still wanted them done on her 9th birthday she could – more to see if it was a passing phase or just interested in because of her friends. She talked about it all year and sure enough on her 9th birthday we went and got them done. She forgot to clean them for a couple of days and they got (slightly) infected – it certainly taught her a lesson about discipline in following instructions and she still cleans them every day 2 years later!
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Really? I got my ears pierced when I was five and have turned out totally normal. I still wear earrings and I like to. Far worse things to be denying your 13 year old.
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I’d say no since she only wants them cause everyone else has them. If her reasons were different, allow her then, easy as that.
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Oh Heather, wowsers, by 13 I had 2 holes in each ear! Got my first holes at 5. It’s not like she’s asking for a tattoo. The good news is you can take the jewellery out of ears, nose, lips, eyebrows and there’s no damage done. Just make sure it gets done by a professional. Wow I would expect a question like this in the 1950s not 2012!
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Wow, i cant believe so many people have rules in their households as to when this can be done! I just dont consider it an issue. I have let my nearly 11 yr old get her ears pierced, she.got them done at age 3, and now she is saving for a second piercing in her ear. And to stop teasing she is allowed to shave her legs and gets her eye brows waxed. Call me a bad mother, i dont care, but the thing is that i dont see these things as something to battle and in all honesty when it comes to these things we discuss the issue and come to an agreement, but she also knows if i say no its no. Its about picking your battles.
Sorry but i find this article silly and really cant believe that its an issue to begin with and that we are even discussing it!!
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It is ridiculous, I had my ears pierced as a very young child and I was so far from rebellious it was pathetic. Such a goody-goody I was!
As for the leg shaving – when I was in high school I asked mums permission to shave and she went BALLISTIC, it still makes me cringe thinking about it now. Yet at the time I just didn’t want to get teased for having hairy legs. Sometimes it’s okay to let your kids fit in, instead of having to always ‘be themselves’ and ‘not worry what other people think’. Yeah it’s good to be an individual but to be the loser all the time isn’t fun.
So I don’t think you’re a bad mother in the slightest. You’re just normalising things that as adults we hardly give second thought to. Why make a big deal out of bloody everything?
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In 1986 I got my ears pierced at 10, it was a right of passage for me and my sister and something to look forward too. We nearly didn’t get it from the fear of the pain. I did secretly peirce my ears at school a second time and they got infected. A friend did it with a needle and it was quite a painful experience. At 13, your daughter, is at that age now when she will start rebelling. If she was to get this, she’d feel very empowered and a sense of trust with you, I’d say, by being allowed this indulgence. It would be a coming of age experience you can share
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I would understand if she wanted to get a tattoo or her nose/belly pierced but just one in each ear lobe is pretty tame. 13 was the age I had to wait until I could get mines done. I wanted them pierced for years before that like my friends but my mum made me wait until my thirteenth birthday. In hindsight I think that’s a good age. I do think pierced ears look funny on younger girls.
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Let your poor daughter get her ears pierced, it’s nothing! If she was a baby I would think very differently but she’s 13!
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I’m afraid I agree with that sentence in your last paragraph: “it sounds really stupid”. It absolutely does. You’re choosing to manipulate your daughter instead of building a strong relationship based on trust and responsibility. I personally don’t find ear piercing a big issue, but it’s a good small step in tween/teenage life to start that two way street of communication. Sit down and have a discussion about why she wants them done, whether she knows how much it will hurt, make sure she knows that she willhave to clean and turn them etc, discuss what she will do if they are a bit wonky (like yours) or get horribly infected, how she is going to pay for them etc. It’s give and take. She shows that she is responsible enough to handle something like this, and you support it by giving your permission.
You reap what you sow. You say you’re afraid of what’s to come in the teenage years. Then start creating an open dialogue of trust and responsibility with your daughter now. If, as you’ve indicated here, you use emotion to manipulate her by deliberately overreacting about this, then she won’t trust you enough to talk to you about the bigger issues (when she’s thinking about having sex, when people offer her cigarettes or dope or alcohol, when she’s feeling depressed) because she’ll just think you’ll fly off the handle. And that’s when she could get into trouble.
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I Totally agree with you, these are words of wisdom every parent should commit to memory.
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Ahh the dilemma – I am looking forward to reading the responses as a Mum with two young girls I know I will be having this conversation at somestage.
I was 15 and went off and got my ears pierced without my Mum or Dad’s knowledge as I wanted them done for my Year 10 formal – oh the act of rebellion! Mum’s response “oh well, you need to look after them now”.
I have always been of the thought I want my girls to be old enough to “buy” it for themselves. I think they will appreciate it more if they have had to pay for it with their own money. As for an age, I thought final year of primary school or maybe first year of high school, kids grow up way to fast and I am keen for it to be something they will cherish as they earnt it!
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I was EXACTLY the same! Mum had said not until I was 18 but I decided to do it when I would be able to wait out the obligatory 6 weeks with stud then wear funky earring to my Yr 10 formal. I was a bit devastated when she said “oh well, don’t let them get infected” when I’d geared myself up for a massive spiel.
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I got mine done at 10 and it was a really big deal, a rite of passage. As was getting a gold ring with my birthstone at 16. So I am repeating these things with my girls. My eldest got her ears pierced at 10 and we were all excited and celebrated that she is growing into a young woman. My second just turned 10 but doesn’t want them done yet which is even better – she isn’t ready to mark this passage yet, so I’ll wait until she is.
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I think some parents would be very happy if an ear piercing was the worst of their problems …
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I had my ears pierced at 8. I got my nose pierced at 15. I got a tattoo at 18. Why? Because my father didn’t want me to. I don’t regret getting them done, on the contrary, I love my piercings and tattoos, but would I have got them if dad hadn’t cared whether I did or didn’t? Probably not. I definitely wouldn’t have been desperate to.
I do because I can. I can because I want to. I want to because you said I couldn’t.
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It’s only pierced ears. So long as she’s wearing age appropriate earrings which surely school would insist they be small studs or small sleepers, what’s the problem? As many other have said, pick your fights. Make it a special day out together.
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Although I absolutely hate piercings (or any jewellery) on the little ones.. I think 13 is beyond reasonable to get ear piercings!
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In most Eastern European hospitals, they ask you if you want your baby girls ears peirced before you leave the hospital when you give birth. A babies skin is so thin they hardly feel anything. A lot less traumatic then having it done at 10 or 13. Mine were done a few days after I was born.
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My daughter has been asking me to get her ears pierced since she was 4. When she turned 6 I decided she was old enough and off we went. Daughter didn’t flinch (although mummy shed a tear) and she reminded me every evening to clean them. Some of our friends were horrified, they won’t let their daughters get pierced ears till they are teenagers. They will however buy $300 electrical scooters for their children (which I won’t). Oh well, different strokes for different folks. I don’t think pierced ears are gateway drugs to multiple piercings and tattoes. And anyway, piercings don’t bother me in the slightest. I had 6 piercings (belly button, tongue, nose, other parts) when I was in my 20s and now in my 30s they have all closed up. Big deal. There are bigger fish to fry than this …
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